Why You Wouldn't Survive as a Pirate

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Settle in and drift off as we take you on a slow, sarcastic, and deeply uncomfortable voyage into the grimy reality of 18th-century piracy. You’ve seen the Hollywood version — now meet the truth.

Forget buried treasure and daring sea shanties. This is the real pirate’s life: moldy hardtack, hammocks soaked in mystery fluid, and crewmates named things like “Half-Ear Jim” and “Scraps.”

Narrated in a calm, British tone with dry humor and historical accuracy, this immersive bedtime story breaks down the brutal, unsanitary, and weirdly bureaucratic life aboard a pirate ship. Perfect for sleeping, studying, or simply learning why you'd never make it past breakfast on the high seas.

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