Worship in the Dark with Myshel Wilkins (SEEN SERIES)

Because I made up in my mind that enemy was either going to torment me in this moment

or I was going to torment him.

I think up my hands and worshiping my king in the middle of, I don't know what the world's

going on, but nevertheless, I'm not letting go of you God, I'm not going to count you evil

against me.

I'm holding on to you when it doesn't make sense because I trust that you love me.

I know that you love me and that you won't leave me.

Those are the two things I held on to.

Yes.

Hi, friend.

Welcome to Beauty and the Brokenness, where we have honest conversations about the Bible,

our real life struggles, and the hope God brings for healing.

I'm your host, Theresa Whiting, an author, Bible teacher, and trauma-informed life coach,

but mostly a friend and fellow-struggler.

No matter who you are or where you've been, I'm inviting you to encounter the God who

is still creating beauty, right in the midst of your brokenness.

Welcome, friends.

I am so excited to introduce you to my guest today, Michelle Wilkins.

Michelle is originally from Frankfurt, Kentucky, and she traveled with her missionary father

and her Ghanaian mother to various countries, speaking and leading worship from a very young

age.

I feel like you already, that right there, you have a fascinating story.

She graduated with a degree in political science from Tennessee State University and was

Crowned Miss TSU and named Miss National Black Hall of Fame.

She earned a master's degree in organizational leadership from the King's Seminary and then

moved to Nashville and became a Christian musician.

Michelle, welcome.

And before we jump into the conversation, would you tell the listeners just a little bit

more about who you are and the work that you're doing now?

Yeah, well, I am a missionary kid.

I have a Ghanaian mother, so I have family in West Africa.

And I am just very passionate about sharing that God is better than we think He is.

And I don't care if you think He is the most amazing thing He's light years better than

that.

And so, when I'm singing, writing, speaking, whatever the Lord desires to use, whatever

gift that He's given me, He gets to breathe on it and glorify Himself through it.

I'm very passionate about that because I feel like that's why He created me.

And I wonder if I feel the reason why He created me, like, what else is there to do?

Yeah.

But waste time, right?

I'm being a counterfeit version of what He never intended and that would break my ass

whole soul.

I just, I don't want anything to do with that.

And so right now, I'm still doing that God is so kind that I get, I enjoy doing a partner

with Him.

So I've written a book and I continue to speak with women all across the country and

beyond, ministering to them whether through worship or through speaking.

And I'll be releasing a worship record sometime next year and I'm thrilled about it because

through my darkest moments, there were songs that were birthed and I can't wait to share

them.

Yes.

Oh, I love that.

And we can hear the enthusiasm, like it's coming, it's coming out.

So I'm so excited.

And if you're watching on YouTube, you can even see it in your face.

So that's beautiful.

In our podcast, we kind of jump right into the, to the meat.

So I know, I know you're, you're a go getter as well.

And so as part of your story, and I've read the book that you just published and it's

beautiful, we'll get to that in a little bit.

But as part of your story, you and your husband endured eight miscarriages and dealt

with infertility.

And if you are willing to share kind of that part of your story and what it was like for

you to, to hold on to God's goodness in the midst of that really, really difficult season.

You know, I learned so many lessons that I've never learned on a mountain top when everything

was great.

God is incredible.

Oh my gosh.

And I got to experience a deeper understanding of that as I walk through one of the darkest

moments of my life.

You never know what you really believe and tell us tested.

You can sit in church and you can say, yeah, I believe all that and you know it's right

here.

But when you're faced with something that looks scary, you don't know why it's happening.

It doesn't make sense.

Wait a minute.

God, I thought we were cool while you're allowing this to happen.

All these things that can come against your understanding of who he is in your life.

That's when what you really believe shows itself.

You know, much like, you know, the tea bag and hot water, everything comes out.

The good, the bad, and that's what happened to me.

And I allow the Lord to show me the good, the bad and the ugly that came out of my heart

during that time, even though the focus at the time was, Lord, I want a child and I kept

having miscarriage after miscarriage.

But the Lord was so kind to me.

He allowed me to have like an ultra building moment that I would be able to remember what

he did every time the doctor would say, I'm sorry, you missed another.

You lost another one.

You lost another sweet one.

I remember when the nurse told me that the first time that I had miscarriage and I couldn't

process her words.

My husband was like, wait, what?

He fell on my, he collapses on my chest.

He's weeping.

He says, check again.

She checks again.

No change.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm pretty numb.

It's just like, it's like, you know, you're on a plane and right before it lands, you

feel this like you're gliding right before you hit.

Right.

It felt like, what are you going to do now?

Like what, what are you getting ready to do?

Because there was a pit that opened up, right?

And that pit was screaming how God was unkind and how he could, why would he allow this?

And you're, you're, you're too good for such a trial.

You know, look at all the things you do to serve God.

Why would he allow this to you?

It happened to you.

This sense of entitlement comes, starts, starts pouring out of me, all kinds of crazy stuff.

And that pit felt right.

It felt like what he was, what the, what the voice was saying was correct.

Yeah.

I am a good person.

And I could have agreed and fallen into shame and anger and pulled away from the Lord

and all of that.

That felt more natural than what I decided to do, which was to worship the Lord.

I knew if I was going to fight the good fight of faith to believe God, sometimes as

a, as a real fight, I knew in order to stay out of that pit and God knew how long I was

going to be in that pit or who I would become.

I just didn't want any part of that because I knew that in that pit, the enemy was going

to steal from me.

He was still my purpose, my reason, my relationship with the Lord, the fullness of what God intended

for me to release in the earth, the reason why I was created, he was going to steal that.

Because in that pit, I was going to reserve my faith from God because He disappointed me.

Right?

I wasn't going to believe in for anything big anymore, just in case His disappoints me.

And so He was going to steal my forward progression and what God's called me to be a do in the

earth in that pit.

And so what I decided to do was to worship God.

It was the only thing I knew to do was it easy did I feel like it, no, absolutely not.

But I knew enough to know that this was my way of clinging to the Lord and declaring

His goodness in a moment that didn't make sense and that literally saved my life.

Wow.

I love what you described there that moment.

I love, love, love that you made the choice to worship and the power that that holds.

Talk a little bit about that, about the power of worship in those dark moments because

I think that's something we, we don't naturally, like you said, it wasn't natural.

It wasn't easy, but you chose to tap into that.

So what does that look like and what does that do to your soul when you choose to worship

God instead of listening to that voice that says you have every right to be angry and

withhold your love?

Yeah.

So your emotions are incredibly potent.

They're intense.

They're intense.

They're intense.

And you know, the Lord knows you have a choice in that moment, all right?

And He's not going to be mad at you.

If you do fall in that pit, He'll come in there and get you.

That's His love and His grace, all right?

So if you didn't worship, when you went through whatever you went through, that doesn't

mean I'm any better or deeper or closer to God than you are, all right?

I'm just telling you my story.

So He knows you have a choice and something powerful happens when you decide that I'm

going to lay my emotions that are raging right now and everything that makes sense to

me right now.

But I know it's not true, but it feels true.

You'll lay that down and make it bow to the Lord, taking every thought captive, right?

What do you do?

Come on.

It has to bow.

That's the most important time it needs to bow.

When you're in the grocery store, should I buy this, should I do that?

You know, the cool thing is you can manage.

It's when you're going bananas inside and you're trying to figure out what is happening.

A tragedy has struck.

That's when those emotions got to sit down because that's when you start leaning into your

own understanding and the Bible warns us about that.

Very dangerous, especially when you're going through a very dark and difficult challenging

time, right?

So I had to lay that aside and begin to sing.

At first, I started off as a hum because I couldn't think of anything to sing.

I mean, I told you it was hard to even start doing this.

I just started humming.

Then it turned into you are good.

You are good.

You are good.

I just kept singing how he was good because I made up in my mind.

The enemy was either going to torment me in this moment or I was going to torment him.

I lived in my hands and worshiping my king in the middle of, I don't know what in the

world is going on, but nevertheless, I'm not letting go of you God.

I'm not going to count you evil against me.

I'm holding on to you when it doesn't make sense because I trust that you love me.

I know that you love me and that you won't leave me.

Those are the two things I held on to.

Yes.

Almost blindly.

I just said, I'm here and I'm not moving and I'm not going to fall into that craziness.

I'm here.

I'm here and I'm not budging.

And as I worship the Lord, His presence, His holy presence came filling my house.

I will never forget that moment.

That was the moment I'm talking about that I held on to the next time I heard bad news.

His presence was so powerful.

His holiness was so great.

I couldn't get low enough.

I wanted to become one with the carpet fibers.

He's holy.

And my husband who was downstairs comes running to the banister, standing at the banister

and says, baby, keep singing.

Because the atmosphere in my house had shifted so dramatically.

His presence was so powerful that literally all the accusations I heard when I first heard

the sad news were far from me.

It was almost like a force field was around me.

The darts were just falling off and I was in his presence.

And it just washed over me in a way I can't put language to.

I will never forget that moment with the Lord.

And I carried that special moment that indeed he is close to the broken hearted.

Every single time I would hear the doctor say, I'm so sorry you lost another one.

I would say, surely you're with me, surely you love me and I'm not letting go.

That is so beautiful.

That's such a beautiful response.

And I think of the song that you wrote, Royal Roar, I've listened and watched the video

and it's amazing.

And I'm going to link it in the show notes.

But tell us a little bit about the birth of that song.

Yeah, so that's a funny thing.

I wanted to write a worship song and so I connected with the producer and we sat down

and we started talking, okay, what do you want to do?

And I said, I just, and it was almost like something changed.

I had an idea before that meeting and then as soon as I opened up my mouth I said, I want

people to know who they are.

I want people to walk and there are full blown identity in Christ.

They're a 40 in Christ.

We're not, oh God, how could you love someone like me?

No, no, no, no, there's a crown on your head, right?

And he has covered us in his grace and he says, come, come know of me so that I can tell

you who you are and you walk with that.

You straighten your back, lift up your head and you move forward with fire in your eyes,

feeling with the Holy Spirit and the enemy is running scared because of who you are.

Very much like David when he looked at the giant and said, who is this uncircumse?

Do you know who is with me?

So any chart that we face, we can arise shining conquer because we know who we are and

we know who's we are.

And that's the posture that I want people to understand as they listen to that song.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

So you just mentioned arise shining conquer, which is the name of your beautiful book and

I'm going to hold it up because I have been reading it and tell us a little bit about

the story behind it.

Why did you write it?

What's your hope for this book?

Same reason.

I used to mentor a lot of young women.

I still do, but there was a season in my life where there were lots of coffee conversations,

right?

Lots of coffee meetings and I kept seeing these young women, most of them in college, losing

battles.

They didn't have to lose because they didn't know who they were and they weren't really

sure that God was who he says he was because you have the word up against your feelings

and what people are saying and what you're seeing and experiencing.

It seems completely opposite and I saw them just really just have a hard time, especially

when they were going through dark seasons.

And so I wanted to share my story.

I wanted to show my scars.

I wanted to share my highs and lows, but most importantly, showing that God is a treasure

hidden in dark places if you look for him.

I love that.

I love that.

You are speaking my language and the language of this podcast.

So the podcast was called Find Hope Here and I recently changed the name to Beauty and

the Brokenness because I have such a passion for helping us discover that even in the

brokenness, even in the darkest times, the hardest, we're just looking around at the

rubble that there is beauty there.

And you've kind of already touched on this, but are there are there other moments in your

life where you've said, I've walked through such brokenness and here's the beauty that

God showed me in the middle of that brokenness, in the middle of that hard time.

And maybe there's another example from your life.

I'm sure you have multiple.

So I want to actually highlight a moment where people could not detect the brokenness that

was there.

Can I tell you about that?

Yes.

Yes.

So I was touring with names that you would hear on the radio, big names on the radio,

Christian radio.

And so I was able to go from city to city and thank you New York, thank you, you know,

so and so.

We're all worshiping and having a great time on the stage with Mendisum, on the stage

with Toby Mack.

I'm on the stage of all these wonderful artists.

And I looked like I had it all together.

The reality was is that in my heart of hearts, you couldn't detect it because I spoke the

Christianes.

I said all the right things.

But there was a time where I was saying a prayer that sounded like I was being, you

know, a noble prayer, a noble sounding prayer of Lord, send me to the nations.

But really, what I really wanted God to do was make me a superstar in the name of Jesus.

And there was a, and as a, as a result of this mindset, there was a brokenness there.

There was an identity crisis there.

I wanted to be relevant in front of my friends.

I wanted to show people that I had.

I had value and worth.

So there was utter brokenness, but it was masked with this thing that looked like I was

doing amazing things, right, for Jesus, right?

And people say, oh, you get to travel and all that.

But the Lord saw through it and then he came for me in the sweetest way, but it was

very stern.

And he said, you want the people to love you, but you have no intentions on loving them

back.

Is I, I don't need the superstar.

I needed to love the people I put you in front of.

And I was wrecked that day.

You hear me?

The crying that came forth was extraordinary because he had ripped the covers off this thing.

I had made looks so beautiful.

And he said, I do have a call for you.

And I do want to see each of the nations.

However, your heart posture is stopping that from happening and until you fall in love

with my people, fall in love with me, know who you are, I can't, I can't, I won't do

that.

I'm a good father.

It will destroy you, right?

And so I surrendered, I repented, and I'll never forget the pain was so great.

I was a bearist.

I was like, the ugliness was shown to me and the selfishness, the self centeredness,

the comparison, the, you know, someone won something or did something great.

It was like, oh, it's so great.

And in my heart, it was the Lord was like, enough of this stuff, okay?

You need to be real.

I need you to be happy for people when I bless them because there's enough for everybody.

Just so many things that I needed to just say, Lord, I surrender and heal the insecurities

that I have that are rooted to, to mom or dad or stuff in my past.

I want to be healed and healthy and made a hole in you so that when I opened my mouth

to sing, my mind is on your spirit that it would hit people's hearts, bulls eye.

When I write a song, it's not to be the never one billboard chopping tart song.

So that you would rest upon it and break chains, right?

Yes.

My wife, my wife needed to be purified.

And so that was a moment where God's love and correction just wrecked me in those beautiful

way.

Oh, my child, thank you for sharing this.

It's something that is so relatable.

I think all of us can relate to that.

And it might not be being a top Christian singer, but there's something in us that we want

that recognition.

It's so much easier to say, I want to be loved than I want to love the people in my life

that God has put right in front of me.

There's so many, so many beautiful things you're sharing with us.

One of the things that we have been doing on the podcast recently is we've been talking

about different women's stories and scripture.

And we've been talking about Elizabeth and her story.

And obviously, you know, she lived in a very different culture.

In her culture, infertility was a source of great shame of great, you know, it was a sign

she was cursed by God because she was barren.

And so we don't live in that culture, but I think that there are things maybe that are

that you have experienced in common with her, not necessarily the shame, but the feelings

of inadequacy or when you were not able to conceive or you kept having miscarriages.

Were there any kind of social ramifications for you, for that thing that you were walking

through that so many women are walking through today?

Yeah.

So, you know, you have to cling to the Lord because the thoughts of maybe I shouldn't have

eaten that or maybe I worked out too hard.

It's my fault.

Right.

What did I do wrong?

Right.

That's the enemy trying to torment your mind so that you will put on this shame and guilt

that doesn't belong to you.

That's one thing.

And then you've got people, well-being people, who want to say, who want to bring an answer?

They want to bring clarity in their own mind.

Godhead, nothing to do with their advice.

Kind of like Jill, but his friends who are trying to figure it out and trying to help

them.

But people, family members and friends can say some of the craziest things when they're

attempting to help you, but what you have to do is be a well-oiled machine of forgiveness.

Because what you don't want to do is be bound up and locked up with all this hurt, shame,

what is God?

Where is God?

How could he do this?

There's bitterness.

Then now you have unforgiveness against other people and now you're entangled, like really,

really deeply entangled with all this stuff and the enemy is like, yes.

And God actually wants to take the thing that is really difficult and hard and allow

you to walk to the fire, but not come out something like smoke to display His saving power.

He wants to show the world that God is a keeper and that He loves us and that we can go

through some of the toughest things and still come out with His glory just shining through

our lives.

That's how you we walk through stuff.

It's all hard.

Yes.

But how are you going to walk through the hard?

Who is going to get the glory out of your heart, right?

And so you have to forgive.

You have to understand that they are trying to help and they're sweet way and then there's

some people who are not.

They're being ugly on purpose that kind of jabbing a little bit.

That happens to women as well.

You know, that mother-in-law, this is something crazy, right?

And that didn't happen to me, but I've heard some stories, y'all.

Some crazy things that have happened and all I can say is yes, that probably was not

cool.

That's not right.

It was wrong.

But your responsibility with that is to let her go, to forgive.

That's what God wants us to do.

So I was adamant about emerging from this very difficult season, my husband and I, better,

anointed, stronger, wiser, closer to the Lord.

And it took me forgiving.

It took me holding onto the Lord.

It took me worshipping through it.

It took me clinging to his words, his words, not my thoughts are trying to figure out

why, his words, laying down my understanding.

It took all of that and the Holy Spirit, you don't have to figure out how to do it.

The Holy Spirit from 24 hours to the next 24 hours to the next 24 hours is not overwhelming.

He just let you get bite-sized pieces.

Every single day he walks you through the process and gets you to the end of the thing.

Yes.

Moment by moment.

So how did your story continue and progress because I know you have two sons?

I do.

So tell us kind of the progression of your story.

After I had that encounter with the Lord that just rocked me to my core in the most beautiful way,

I can't explain how I knew, but I didn't get up and run to the store the next day and buy one, one Z,

you know, continue for one child.

I went to the store and I felt to buy two onesies and I put those two onesies in my closet.

I'm telling you, when you spend time in the Lord, he will drop something in your spirit.

It doesn't make sense, you just go with it.

So I put those two onesies in my closet and every single day I felt that I had permission

to contend for a promise.

And that was me saying every day, I can't wait to hold you.

Oh, I can't wait to see your sweet faces and kiss your sweet faces.

And I would say, Lord, your promises are yesterday, man, I stand on it.

And that was challenged because after, you know, believing this, there's another miscared,

and another miscared, and another miscared.

And you have to go back to those onesies and sit before the Lord and say, Lord, your promises

are yesterday, man.

And there was a hospital that was being built next by my home.

And I pointed that a hospital every single day and I would say, I'm going to have my child

and that hospital.

And when I was driving home from the current hospital, I was going to, and they would say,

I'm so sorry, you lost another one.

And I'm weeping, driving in the car.

And I would pass by the hospital and say, nevertheless, Lord, my womb is healthy.

I made a hole.

I will have my child in that hospital.

And the day that I was standing in that hospital, looking at that same road, I would declare

going, going back and forth, and I had just had my son, y'all, the worship that came

for me, because the Lord had done it.

And let me tell you this.

I have to say this, I have to say this, before I was able to hold my son, I did say something

to the Lord.

And I said, if you never give me what I'm asking you for.

If you never tell me why I'm walking through this, I will not slow my pace in you.

I will not allow anything that I desire, cause me to pull away from you.

You are my greatest desire.

You are.

Yes.

And I just laid it at his feet, and God was kind.

He didn't have to do it, but he did.

And I was able to give birth healthy, strong boys, two of them.

And they currently mess up my house, are very loud, running all over the place, but I praised

God because God was faithful.

He was kind to me, and he blessed me.

And I always remember he didn't have to, and even if he didn't, I wasn't going anywhere.

Yes.

I love that.

A similar story, my husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

And we, it took us about three and a half years to get pregnant, and we had, we had adopted

a set of twins.

And then I remember being on a walk, like I remember exactly where I was in the neighborhood

when I was just crying and praying and laying out my hands and, a similar prayer, like

Lord, if you never allow me to give birth, you are

still good.

It's okay.

You are still good.

And I hate to say this because I don't want to, it's not a magic, it's not a magic formula

that was not anything magical, but, but God did allow me to get pregnant.

So we had adopted a set of twins, and then God allowed me to give birth to a baby girl.

And then when she was eight months old, I got pregnant with another set of twins, so it

was what?

For easiness.

Now we're empty nesters, but, anyway, my point is something amazing, yes, like we could

never have planned that.

We wouldn't have planned it that way, but God was like, guess what?

I'm doing something you never would have imagined.

That's right.

Wow.

Wow.

One of the things you've mentioned repeatedly is God's word, you know, what a source of comfort

and strength and power it's been for you.

Has there been a particular passage or maybe through your journey or just in your life

that you've really clung to or, you know, share with us some scriptures that have been

really meaningful to you?

Oh my gosh.

So I would eat the book of Hebrews.

Okay.

There was no specific place.

I would just eat it because it's the book of faith.

And I love how it documents the different people who believe certain things, right?

And how God sold their belief, how he was impressed and blessed by their belief.

You know, I'll say this one time I was sitting with the Lord and I asked him, I said, you

know, we all come to you asking all kinds of stuff.

What's your end?

Like what do you want?

And I felt like the Lord said, I want to be believed.

I want to be believed.

We have a lot of unbelieving believers.

We know it here, but when trouble comes, we're so full of fear that we now resort to our

plan of A, B, C, D, E, F, or, you know, everything else.

And we act out of our lack of belief and but throw a little God dust on it, but we still

are acting out of unbelief.

And so eating the book of Hebrews just really ignited a faith in me that these people were

relentless.

And I noticed certain stories in the Bible where they would be relentless in their faith.

Like the woman who's like, I'm not even supposed to be out here with these people, but if

I can just touch his hem, the hem of his arm and I can't get in the house, but how about

we just rip the roof off, right, or, or blind boredom is screaming and I'm like, you all

like the pressure of the people saying, should be quiet.

And he screams out even the more and says that Jesus stopped and said, come.

But lastly, the woman, oh, the woman who was, was like, Jesus basically said no to her.

All right.

And he says, she said, listen, I'll take the crumbs.

Just heal my daughter.

Those people were highlighted to me in the word of God.

And there was something about them that they just didn't take no for an answer.

And it moved God to see that they would believe him in such extraordinary ways.

In fact, it says that God marveled at the censure and he said, you don't even have to come

to my house.

Just say the word.

That's the kind of faith that I wanted to have.

I wanted to impress the Lord to say, you know what?

I believe you.

And if I look crazy, oh, well, I'm going to believe you.

And the Lord, he just, I don't know.

He just blessed my socks off as I walked through this difficult time.

He showed me who he was and it was just, I'll never be the same.

One of the things I wanted to mention is that you have a podcast as well called Embracing

Freedom Today.

And you obviously are passionate about the freedom that Christ gives us.

Tell, tell us a little bit about your podcast and why that's such a passion for you.

You know, I hate the enemy with every fiber of my being.

He has hurt so many people.

He has blinded so many people.

He has told so many lies.

He's been so incredibly destructive.

Look at the world.

Look at our families.

I loved ones.

I hate him.

I'm sure the feelings meet you all.

But I don't care.

My point is, is that if Christ dies such a gruesome death for us to be free, for us to

be reunited with God, I don't care how difficult it is, have it.

Embrace it, possess it.

It's yours.

If we're bound and someone says you can be free, have it.

And so I'm very passionate about that, right?

Since it's available, I can't leave it on the table.

And I don't want you to leave it on the table.

Because I want you to know who you are, a free version of yourself, right?

The free version of yourself.

Who would you be?

What would you do?

How would you think if you embraced a fullness of what he intended for us to walk it

and be?

Right?

And so I want that for everyone.

And so I put together a podcast of Bracing Freedom today.

We're taking a break, but we're going to bring in some wonderful guests who have

incredible stories about how God brought freedom into their lives on so many levels.

But I want people to hear the testimonies.

I want people to hear that it's real and it's possible to walk in freedom.

Yes.

Have you ever encountered people who have walked in that freedom and then get bound up

again?

And then they walk in freedom and then they get bound up again.

And what kind of encouragement?

Because I think that's something people could identify with.

Absolutely.

You know, there's a scripture that talks about getting delivered and that clears all the

demonic stuff out of the way.

But if you don't do it that freedom with his wisdom, then that can actually come back

with even stronger enemies, right?

Now you're really bound even stronger than before.

That's what the scripture says.

And so it's really important that once God brings freedom, we're not just like, okay,

we're back to where it was, just keep doing what I was doing.

No, no, no, no.

We have to stew at that freedom.

There are habits.

We need to change.

There's mindsets that we need to relinquish to the Lord, allow him to show us what we need

to do with that.

Sometimes he says there's a Christian counselor that needs to unpack some of the things

you're thinking, some of the things you're walking through to help you bring you to a place

of lasting freedom, right?

And so let the Holy Spirit's wisdom guide you in your freedom so that you can keep it.

You've mentioned this idea of playing it safe or just like, I'm not going to get my hopes

up because then I'm going to get hurt again.

That's a real thing.

That happens.

And what would you say to the person who would say that's where I'm at right now?

Like I'm refusing to get my hopes up for this thing, for this prayer to be answered

or for God to come through for me.

I get it.

I totally understand what that feels like because it is scary.

And it's almost like the day that I was telling my son to jump from where he was into my

arms and he wouldn't because he just felt like I just might drop him.

And boy, did I hurt my heart?

I was like, Mom, it loves you.

I won't drop you.

I'm fully capable of catching you.

And I, in that moment, the Lord was like, that's what that looks like.

That's what that looks like.

I'm here.

I'm here to catch you.

I'm not going to let you fall.

I have you.

And just because we're afraid of pain, we're afraid of disappointment, we won't take

the leap into his arms, the safest place where we could ever be, right?

I would just say to you, first of all, the Lord loves you more than you could ever begin

to comprehend.

And he wants a deeper, closer walk with you, relationship with you.

He wants to walk you through some of the most difficult times

of your life, it will allow him to come in full blown.

Like, don't let crack the door a little bit

or say, okay, God, you can come in but this far

because it's too painful.

Buzz said door wide open.

Let him come in and sub with you.

Tell him what's all on your heart.

Pour it all out to him. He can handle it.

You can cry.

You can tell him you're angry.

Tell him you're frustrated.

You know, David said all the things throughout the Psalms.

And what does God say?

He was a man after my own heart

because he was honest.

You can do that with your father.

You can do that with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

They welcome it and they're ready to bring reconciliation

and love and healing and everything that you need

to get through this time.

So open up your heart and trust him.

And he's going to be a blessing

like you can't even begin to believe

and dream that he'll be in your life.

Yes.

Yeah, I think the message of the gospel is God with us,

with that presence.

It's not just, we pray a prayer

so we can go to heaven someday.

It's so that we have this union with Christ

and we walk with him through all the things

and we let him hold us and carry us and bring us through

and we walk through life in that relationship with him.

That's right.

Was there anything else?

Anything else we missed that you wanted to share

before we give our closing questions?

I just want to make sure that everyone knows

God is worthy of our trust even when it hurts

like you can't even put language to worthy of it.

And so just take the leap, jump into his arms

and let him carry you through.

Yes.

Where can people find you?

How can people get in touch with you, Michelle?

I love meeting new people.

It's my jam.

So I would love for you to connect to me on my Instagram

and that is my show music, one word,

my show music on Instagram.

And then you can go to my website,

which is myshowwilkins.com

and there you'll find everything that I do on my website

and I'd love to connect and partner with you all.

Awesome.

I will obviously have all of that in the show notes

but as we close out this episode,

Michelle, you and I and even Elizabeth,

we have happy endings to our story.

We were people who walked through in fertility

and got to hold a baby.

But there's a lot of people out there

that that's not their story.

They haven't had that experience.

They're still waiting, they're still hoping

or maybe it's too late for them

and they're saying, well, that's great for you

but that's not my story.

What words of hope or encouragement

would you share with those listeners?

The first thing I would say is just make sure

that our hearts are open to the Lord

because sometimes after a time we can begin to kind of close

ourselves off to Him, just make sure that's wide open

because the Lord wants to escort you

through this season consistently

and we don't want to give God a timeline.

We don't want to give Him what we think

or the way we think things should happen.

We yield to Him, right?

And so what I did before I even held a baby

was just say, I don't want to get in the way

of what you're doing.

I don't want to get in the way

of what you're processing in me.

I don't want to get in the way.

And so I would just say every day, I would say,

Lord, show me how to walk through this.

Do I contend?

Do I say, Lord, you're going to bring an adoption story

into my life?

How will this unfold?

Am I supposed to be a mentor to many women?

And I'm a spiritual mom to so many women.

How does this work?

Show me how you want me to be a mother

and because you give me a mother many different ways

of course you want to hold your own, absolutely.

And God knows that.

And so talk with Him consistently.

Keep your heart and mind open.

Don't fall into shame, don't fall into bitterness,

don't fall into anger, don't fall into any of those things.

And when they come, because they will knock on the door,

you have the power to resist them

and to put them in their place and keep moving.

But stay open in Him, stay close to Him.

And I promise you, the Lord will show you His ways.

And He's going to do something that you,

it's going to leave you kind of like, wow.

Whether He brings a baby, brings children that you'll adopt.

Whether you'll be a mother figure to someone,

I don't know how it will open up for you.

But please know, God's ways are extraordinary.

And He's worthy of being trusted.

Even when it's tough, even when it hurts,

even when it's hard, just cling to Him.

And I promise you, He's going to find a way

to bring glory through what's going on in your life.

Yes.

Yes, thank you so much for this conversation,

for being like my guests on Beauty and the Brokenness.

I appreciate you and the work that you're doing.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

And God bless you for the work that you're doing as well.

Thanks for hanging out with me today on Beauty and the Brokenness.

To find anything I mentioned on the episode,

go to terisawiting.com slash episode-145

to find all the show notes.

I'll have all the ways you can connect

with my shell.

You can find her book, watch her music video,

and just continue to be inspired by her.

If this podcast has been encouraging to you,

would you take just a minute, go to Apple Podcasts,

and leave a five-star rating and review,

like this one from Jodi Allen.

Terisa is a calm and refreshing voice

in a busy chaotic world.

She offers encouragement through genuine conversations

and relatable teaching.

Thank you for being a place where God's Word is honored

and celebrated.

And thank you, Jodi, for that kind review.

In closing, I want to leave you with this prayer

from number six, 24 to 26.

The Lord bless you and keep you.

The Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you.

The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

The Lord bless you and keep you.

The Lord bless you and keep you.