X Minus One - Childs Play

0:00Countdown for blast off. X minus 5, 4, 3, 2, X minus 1, fire. From the far horizon to the unknown, come transcribed tails of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future, adventures in which you'll live in a million could be years on a thousand maybe worlds. The national broadcasting company in cooperation with street and smith publishers of astounding science fiction presents. X minus 1, 1, 1, 1, fire.

1:10Tonight's story. Child's play by William Ken. My name, Sam Weber, my job and attorney, and a pretty successful one if I do say so myself. Maybe you won't believe it, my best friends find it hard to believe, but I used to be a completely different guy. Frightened, sickly, near-sighted, a real mortem of me. No kidding. That was ten years ago. The big change in me began to take place on a cold December morning in 1955. Adjust the moment, please. Yes, please. Weber? Yes. Samuel? That's right. Okay, Jack. Step back. All right, fellas, bring it in. Adjust the moment. You must have the wrong way. Watch it, Jack. Sign here. Is that for me? Weber, God in the pommence. It looks like a coffin. I don't design them, Jack. I just deliver them. Sign here.

2:17After much straining, I wasn't in very good physical shape those days. I managed to push the box under my single light bulb. It was a card in the small envelope. Let's see. To Sam from your classmates at the Interdimensional and Cosmic Institute, Mary Christmas. 2155 Holy Jumping Catfish. Hey, mister! Hey, mister! There must be some mistake! Hey! Holy Jumping Cat. They were gone. And I didn't even know which delivery company it was. I sat down to think, and it was just beginning to seep into my sleepy brain that maybe this was one of the little white's practical jokes. But I noticed there was something funny about that box. For one thing, it was dated 2155, 200 years long.

3:18And for another thing, it was solid gold. Pop had been in the jewelry business long enough for me to verify that. At that point, I decided to open it up and see what was in it. After about a half hour of fumbling, I gave up. All right. If you won't open, you won't open! No sooner had I said the word open than it came apart like the skin off a banana. There inside was something resembling a high-powered kid's chemical set. Viles, jars, tubes, wires. They never saw so much scientific looking junk in your life. And on top of it all was a book of instructions printed in mad green streaks. I opened the cover and read page one. Build a man set number three. This set is intended solely for the use of children between the ages of 11 and 13.

4:21The equipment will enable the child to build an assemble complete adult humans in perfect working order. And this assembulator is provided so they set maybe used again and again with profit. Refills and additional parts may be acquired from the Build a Man company 928 Diagonal Level Blunt City Ohio. Remember, only with Build a Man can you build a Man. When I arrived at work that morning in our late, my brain was still reeling with the stuff I'd read in the instruction book. By the time I'd reached the office, I decided it'd been a bad dream and it would be over by nightfall. Summer set no Jack attorneys at law at just a moment all connected with Mr. O Jack. Oh, good morning, Mr. Weber. Good morning, I mean good morning. I've got to get my mind off that book. Only with Build a Man can you build a Man.

5:23It must have been a dream. Probably go home tonight and find the place empty. Well, well, well, if it isn't the poor man's Clarence Darryl, hi, you Sam! Sam? Oh, hello, Lou. I come as bearer of sad tidings. You don't look very sad. Boss wants to see you laughing, boy. What about? Well, how should I know? Oh, and by the way, Sam, you'll be happy to know that I've just been promoted. I'm handling all the criminals up from now on. Congratulations. Boss, you know what this means for Tina and me, don't you, Sammy? Ah, cheer up, son. Tina's not for you anyway. Some got it, some don't. Me? I'm loaded. You? Ha, nothing. So long, laughing, boy. That was my good friend, Lou White. Lou was one of those guys who always lands with his feet firmly planted in the back of somebody else's neck.

6:23In the year I had known him, he'd already managed to steal the job I wanted. And he was now working on the girl I wanted. Her name was Tina. Tina Velvet. She was... Good morning, Sam. Oh, good morning, Tina. My, you look. Yes? Good enough to take the lunch. Oh, I'm sorry, Sam, but I promised Lou. Sure. I hope you're not too disappointed. Me? Oh, no, no. Some got it. Some don't. I don't. Theoretically, Tina was employed by Somerset and Ojak as combination secretary and switchboard operator, Falu and me. I guess she wasn't what you'd call really smart, but she always managed to look like a pin-up girl caught with her clothes on. If you know what I mean. Well, that was Tina. I'd try to steady my blood pressure as I walked into the boss's office. You sent for me, Mr. Ojak.

7:24Oh, here, sit down, we're both sitting down. Thank you, Mr. Ojak. My boy in this business, you've got to be aggressive. You've got to go out and create new clients. I don't mean I'm going to stay single or anything like that, but you've got to show some zip. Yes, sir. Well, getting there and punch, Weber. I want to see a change in you in the next few months as a matter of fact. You'd better. I went back to my office, resolved to show some zip. I bit savagely into a copy of Huckleworth's on torts, and I called Tina for a memo. By the time she came in, my mind was wandering again. Rosenthal versus Rosenthal. On August 4th, the party, the first part, what comes next? Sam, what comes next? Oh, listen, forget the memo for a while. I want you to take a letter. All right, Sam. Today's date, usual heading. To the Chamber of Commerce, Glunt City, Ohio, gentlemen, would you inform me if you have registered a street or avenue known

8:25as diagonal level or avenue? I write on behalf of a new client of mine. Oh, Sam, he was a new client. I wondered about it, but he looked so strange and sinister. What do you look like? It was a terribly tall old man and a black overcoat. He asked if you were in and then he tried to get your home address. But he looked and acted so strange I didn't give it to him. He went away positively furious. That's great. Did he leave his name? Well, that's the funny part of it. He just said he was the censor or the census taker is something from the 24th oblong. I left the office early and went home. Sure enough, there it was. My billed a man set gleaming a little obscenely in the corner. I walked over to it, gave it a kick and hollered open sesame. Three minutes later, I was flopped down in bed reading chapter one, making simple living things.

9:25And now a later I was fooling around with such complicated items as the junior by calibrator, which measured everything from blood pressure to hemoglobin content. And the jiffy vitalizer, which was actually supposed to put life in your creation, providing you had followed instructions carefully. At eight o'clock, I went out to suffer with the idea of getting a little drunk. I did. At 9.45, I came back and made my first simple living thing. Here boy. Here boy. Maybe you aren't a boy. Let's see. According to the book, you are a Rubicular Oyster hog. Not much to look at, but I made you me, Sam Weber, attorney at law. I have created life. Hey, hey, come back here. Come back. Here boy. Here boy. Here boy. Hi.

10:25It was no use. My Rubicular Oyster hog, which was a cross between a field mouse and the noister, had run out under the door and into the world. Next morning in the office, I turned to chapter two, duplicating babies and small humans. Assemble your mannequin, setting all moles to the indicated calibrations. To disassemble a model, use the disassemble later provided with a set. If you cannot destroy your creation, the law requires you to call the census keeper for your oblong. Good morning, Sam. Here's that memo on rose and thaw versus rose and thaw. I also will let it for you. Shall I read it? Please. Dear Mr. Weber, there is no firm at Blunt City bearing the name of build and mill. Nor do we have any thoroughfare called diagonal. Since silly yours, Thomas Plantagenet, mayor. Well, that's that. Oh, by the way, your client was here again this morning, the Goulish one.

11:26What'd you tell him? I said you'd be in later. Thanks. Will that be all Sam? Yes. No. Are you doing anything new, you're Zeeve? Sam, I'm disappointed in you. What did I do? You haven't even noticed. Notice what? The ring, silly. Third finger left hand. What? Who? Lou gave it to me. Well, Lou has plenty of zip. I'm sure you'll be very happy zipping around with each other. Oh, Sam. What's the matter? I don't know. I'm so confused. Hey, listen, what's going on in here? Tina just told me the good news about your engagement. She's crying with happiness. Oh, is that right, honey? Well, no hard feelings, Sam. It's just that the best man got the girl. You understand how it is. Oh, by the way, we're having a little celebration at Sigali tonight. Drop around and we'll live it up a little, huh? Ha ha!

12:29I went home feeling like a man who had been stuffed into a washing machine with a dial set at Rintz dry. I was a failure. My job was a bust. My girl was going to marry a football player. I'd been playing God with a chemistry set from some crazy, futuristic world. And the bill collectors were hot on my heels. Why not? Thank you, honey. A Sam Weber without all the psychological problems you've got. A dynamic, uninhibited Sam who could win a girl like Tina by sheer magnetism. Then when it was all over, we just take the old disassembly later and presto. And I can do it too. Chroma's SOME content. Check. Well, here it goes.

13:30It's moving. Hmm. Holy mackerel. It's alive. It's sitting up. Whoa! Hey, I feel great. Take it easy. Do you know who you are? Don't give me that take it easy, routine. Of course I know who I am. I have all the thoughts you ever had up until the point I was vitalized. My brain is an exact duplicate of yours except that I'm not all blocked up psychologically. Oh, by the way, since we both have the same name, it'll simplify things if I call you Weber. I'll be Sam. Look here. I'll make the decisions. How would you like a good punch in the nose? Is that any way to talk to your own parent? I did create you, you know. And don't think I don't appreciate it, Weber old man, but let's get one thing straight. I live my life and you live yours. Got that? Who pays the rent? You do. For a while, anyway. I haven't decided whether or not I want to stay in the law business. The law business? It'd be a shame to waste all that good training, though.

14:30We went to Harvard, didn't we? On the other hand, I want to spread out a little. Teen is the kind of girl to whom money is very important. Teen! What'd you expect? We're not quite the same, you and I. I've got zipped. Don't use that word. Sorry. Now, how about some dinner I'm start? We'll have to go out. I'll need some clothes. Sorry, I only have this one suit. Fine, you can lend it to me. But what about me? I'll bring you a sandwich after I come back from segales. segales? You haven't forgotten, have you, Weber? We're invited to the celebration. Tina and Lou White. Only it wouldn't look quite right if we both showed up. So I'll tell you all about it. Now, come on off with the suit. And no nonsense. Hey! Yes, that's living it up both! Hey, have another great Mr. O'Jack, come on. Thank you, Lou. Hey, everybody, happy!

15:32Oh, Tina, honey, you haven't yourself a little old time? Well, well, well, well. The half be couple. Good evening, Kat. Everybody's lit up like a Christmas tree, huh? Well, I'll... Sammy, you in the bag. Never touched the stuff, Lou, my boy. Never touched it. Hey, what's gotten into you, Weber? You seem different somehow. Well, I'll tell you, ever since I had that talk with Mr. O'Jack about myself, oh, you remember, don't you? Mr. O'Jack? Why, yes? You made me realize, Mr. O'Jack, that I had a whole reservoir of untapped zip. And that's all it took just like that. I'm a changed man. I don't believe it, it's an act. Why you're nothing but a cream puffer, and you always will be. Mr. O'Jack, I think he owes me an apology for that. I should think so. All right, all American boy, make with the apologies. Apologize, wife, for two cents. So, folks, would you excuse Mr. O'Jack? No, bale's folks. Six, would you excuse Mr. White and myself for a few minutes? Coming, Mr. White? I'll be right back, honey. Oh!

16:32No! Okay, baby boy, you've taken enough punishment. No, Lou. Lou, don't kill me, did... Oh... Oh, dear. You'll be all right in a little while, baby. Did you? I mean... Oh, Sam. Tina. We really shouldn't be... I mean, kissing like this? No, it's... What you've always wanted, isn't it? Well... Is it it? Oh, Sam. Is it? Oh, Sam.

17:33By this time, he's probably kissing her. And there's nothing you can do about it, Weber Old Man. Nothing. Hey, wait a minute. Where's that book of instructions? To disassemble a build-a-man model, merely focused the ray of the disassembly later device and press lever X. Tina, my T Tina. So you're finally home. I'm stuck. My boy, you are looking at a man who in one fell swoop has got himself a razor, promotion, and a wife. At least she'll be my wife tomorrow. Who? Tina, of course. Who have we wanted so desperately all these years? I don't believe it. It's true. I had to put on quite a show, but all around it was a real success. Mr. O'Jack was so impressed, he called me aside, and said he was going to give me a crack at some criminal cases. And if I made the grade, who knows? I may even accept a partnership.

18:33And what happens to me? I suppose I sit in this room with no clothes for the rest of my life. Oh, you'll be well taken care of, Weber. You've got it all figured out, haven't you? That's about it. Only you neglected to consider one thing. Oh, what's that? This. Oh, come on, put that down. I'm going to melt you down like a Welsh rabbit. Weber, you can't do that. It's murder. It's like killing your own son. Take off my suit, you phony. You won't be needing it again. You're going through with it, huh? I am. All right. Here's your jacket. Oh, my arm. You give me that thing? Give it to me. Oh. That's better. Now we'll fix this little item so it can't do any damage. You see, Weber, you don't have the guts to stand up against the man you might have been. What's that sound? Somebody's coming up the stairs. Listen. Take a peek through the keyhole, Weber.

19:33Holy, jumping. It's him, whom? He's burning it. He's burning a hole right through the door. Good evening, gentlemen. Who are you? I'm the census keeper for the 24th Hablong. You see, your builder man set was intended for one of the Weber children, whose arms were tied to the river, and was intended for one of the Weber children, whose arm was tied to the river, who was on a field trip in this ablong, 200 years from now. Because of an unfortunate time warp, the set was delivered here, accidentally. You mean this set came here from 200 years from now? Precisely. Time is with all things is relative. We should have to recover the set of costs and adjust any discrepancies that is caused. Meanwhile, the problem is which of you, gentlemen, is the original sound Weber? difficulties. Why can't I ever have a simple case like the doublet-conn duplication? Now look here, Mr. Censuskeeper. The duplicate will obviously be less stable and more emotionally

20:36unbalanced. Certainly a man of your qualifications can decide which of us is the more valid member of society which of us will conform more readily to the standards. Naturally. I observed that one of you was naked. That of course... Wait a minute. And you seem to be trembling. Where's this gentleman seems quite calm. You're making a mistake. I hardly think so. Stay away from him. Do not struggle. Please, please, you... Mr. Weber. Yes? It would be better if you didn't watch. Of course. You understand it's not the gift of the Build-A-Man set we were afraid of letting you have. It's the principle involved. You people just aren't ready to play God. You understand, of course. Ha ha ha. Perfectly. Well, that's my story. Within ten seconds the old Sam Weber had been completely dismantled and packed into the

21:41box. Tina and I were married, as you know. And I went on to become a full partner in the firm of Ojak, Somerset, and Weber. Oh, and by the way, Tina and I have been doing quite successfully what the old Sam Weber and his Build-A-Man set made such a mess up. We have one, two, three little conuplications. Sam Jr. age four, Sameta age three, and Samina age two months. Good night. You have just heard X-1, presented by the National Broadcasting Company in cooperation with Street and Smith, publishers of astounding science fiction. Tonight by transcription, X-1 has brought to you Child's Play by William Ten, adapted for radio by George Lefferts. Featured in the cast were Bill Zuckert as the truck driver, John Gibson as Sam, Grant Richard as his alter ego, Peggy Lavin was Tina, Ted Osborne played Mr. Ojak, Bob Hastings

22:45played Lou, and Guy Rep was the man from the Census Bureau. Your announcer Fred Collins, X-1 was an NBC radio network production.