1400: When Positive Thinking Feels Fake

If you want to be more consistent, you're in the right place.

I'm Elizabeth Benton, welcome to Consistent, a podcast by Primal Potential that is for

all of you who feel frustrated by your lack of progress or overwhelmed by all the change

that you want to make in your life.

Here, we stop frantically chasing new habits and start strategically building a structure

of consistency.

Let's get into it.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome back to the Primal Potential podcast.

I am Elizabeth Benton, and we are continuing our throwback series.

I'm not playing old episodes.

I'm revisiting and revising old episodes.

We're going back into the archives and refreshing episodes from 10-ish years ago.

We did one the other day, a couple of clients actually come to me and ask me to do a refresh

of episode 201, which was on Wisher's Wanderers and Warriors.

You can listen to that.

It's episode 1399, or the OG one is 201, and we're going further back today.

We are going to a 2015 episode.

How is that 11 years ago?

Anybody?

I just seems unfair.

Episode 69, 069 in that episode.

I was talking about the difference between positive thinking and power thinking, and I

stand by the heart of that episode, but I also think we can take it further and we can

build on it and make it better as a result of maturity, but also as a result of experience.

One of the things that drives me a little bit bonkers is, I don't know anybody who would

argue that mindset doesn't matter.

That mindset isn't important, right?

But I also think that it's gotten oversimplified because a lot of people teach and learn in memes

and Instagram reels and little sunshiny quotes, which is cute, but not really helpful for

doing the work of mindset, which is complex and can't be summarized with a quote card as

much as we might want it to be.

Lots of people hear mindset and they think that it's about being more positive or being

less negative or saying nicer things to yourself, looking on the bright side.

If we can't do that naturally or we're not willing to do that in a situation, then they

assume that mindset work just as inaccessible to them.

The only options are be more positive or stay stuck, and of course that's not true.

A lot of people are thinking that mindset and being positive is like lying with enthusiasm.

Your alarm goes off and instead of being like, I don't want to get up, that mindset is

like, I do want to get up and this day is a beautiful opportunity for me to be sunshine

and rainbows and fit and healthy.

Let's go.

And when that feels totally ingenuine, they're like, pass, right?

Lying with enthusiasm, saying something upbeat because it sounds good, reaching for some

shiny phrase because that's what you're supposed to do.

And hey, if that works for you, you go be you.

Not my vibe.

Clearly, it doesn't surprise any of you.

Not my vibe.

It's like we've reduced mindset to like Instagram quotes over sunsets and then we wonder

why it doesn't hold up when we're standing in the pantry at 9 o'clock at night, you know?

Mindset is not about being positive, though being positive is certainly one way to approach

mindset.

But if I had to really synthesize what we're talking about, mindset is about perspectives

that are helpful, right?

Helpful for what?

Helpful for holding the line, helpful for protecting the standard, helpful for actually

making the next best choice, right?

Not just positivity for the sake of positivity or thoughtfulness for the sake of being introspective,

right?

The quality of your mindset is not measured by if it sounds good, if it sounds nice.

It's measured by if it helps you stay aligned when it would be easier not to.

I want to say that again because this also points to the individuality of it.

Not all of you are as direct as I am and some of you are far more harsh or blunt or direct

than I am and that doesn't make it right or wrong.

It's about what makes it easier for you to stay aligned when it's easier not to.

I've talked a lot about how what is helping me in this season, get up when my alarm goes

off in the morning, even though every day starts with the attempt at an excuse, I can do

it later.

I've been so consistent.

It's no big deal if I take a day off or the kids were up and sleep is really important.

What helps me in that moment is I'm no more rested if I stay here and hit snooze for

another 45 minutes than I am if I get up right now.

It's not going to transform my amount of rest.

It's not going to make my day better to stay in bed for another 45 minutes, but it will

make my day better if I get up even if I'm tired and go do that thing.

That helps me stay aligned when it would be easier not to, but that might not help you

stay aligned when it would be easier.

Not to.

The way that I do my perspective and mindset work when I'm facing a food temptation might

not be the way that you help yourself stay aligned when it would be easier not to.

In this 2015 episode, I was making a distinction between positive thinking and power thinking.

I was not saying just think positive.

I was saying that for a lot of people, forced positivity doesn't work very well because

if you say something that's shiny and optimistic and there's part of your brain that's going,

I call BS, it's not helpful.

When your brain is fighting your words and pushing back, it's not helpful.

The point was about thinking in a way that gives you power, not just thinking in a way

that is positive, choosing a perspective that's more useful, more honest, more likely than

your default interpretation of things.

If I were teaching this episode over today, which I am, I would say the question is not

whether your perspective is positive or negative, but whether your perspective is helpful or

not.

Again, helpful for protecting the standard, helpful in making you choose the better option,

helpful for keeping you in the game instead of checking out and disengaging.

There are a lot of moments in life when positivity is not the point, right?

When your alarm goes off, the answer is not like, I feel amazing.

What a gift to be alive.

Fake positivity is almost never the tool that we need, almost never.

If you're standing in the kitchen after a bad day and you're thinking to yourself, I just

want to treat, I deserve this, today was awful.

The opportunity is not to argue that today was actually really great and you're lucky

to have a roof over your head because that perspective probably doesn't help you hold

the line.

The valuable mindset work is finding, through trial and error in practice, there's no magical

script of phrases, finding what is useful for helping you maintain the standard.

This is a skill.

It's not something that you have or you don't have, it's something that you build, right?

A lot of times we blame our circumstances, like it's our stressful job that's the problem

or it's our busy schedule that's the problem or it's our hormonal challenges or our injury

or the difficulties in our family, but it's rarely the circumstance itself that is creating

the problem and it's the perspective that you have around the circumstance and the way

that you craft a story about the perspective so that it grants you permission to drop your

standard, right?

It's not that the alarm went off and that you're tired, it's that you decided that was

a good enough reason to abandon the standard.

It's not that your spouse brought home pizza, it's that your perspective, your mindset

was, well, I mean, I can't say no or this one thing doesn't matter and I'll be good

tomorrow, it's not that work ran late, right?

It's the mindset that you have that now you're justified in stopping for fast food because

work ran late, right?

It's the way that we craft a perspective, that's part of mindset, the perspective that

we create, the story that we tell that links this circumstance that's behind us to the

choice that's in front of us, that is mindset and that the circumstance is just the set

up, right?

The circumstance is the frame, it's almost like if it's an acting, you know, an improv

and they say, all right, here's the scenario, here's the scene, you plan to cook this

healthy dinner for your family, but your meeting ran over and your daughter's soccer

practice went late, that's not the problem, that's the set up.

And it's your mindset that determines what you make of it.

In the same way that an improv, they could turn that into and then there was a hurricane

on the way home and they ended up sleeping on the side of the road or they could turn

it into and so they baked a feast for the neighborhood to enjoy because everyone was

running late, right?

It's like the circumstances, the set up and your mindset is what you make of it, what

you do next, where you go.

Think about your whole life as this improv, think about mindset as this opportunity to take

the set up and make something great with it.

How often do we take the set up, the circumstance and because of our mindset, we make something

catastrophic with it, we turn ourselves into a victim, we throw away our responsibility

and our creativity and it didn't have to go that way.

It didn't have to go that way.

The circumstance is the set up and it's the negotiation, the mindset, the perspective

that leads you to the choice.

Most people aren't being derailed by reality, that's just the set up.

They're being derailed by the story they build around reality, half the time the problem

is really not the thing, if not more than half the time.

That's the dramatic story that we slap on top of the thing, right?

In the 2015 episode, 06.9, I was talking about positive thinking versus power thinking

and a simplistic version of that was like positive thinking might sound like people would

do affirmations.

I don't know if people are still doing that, I'm sure they are and positive thinking might

sound like I'm lean and I'm healthy and I make amazing choices, I use my time well and

I don't procrastinate.

If your brain instantly is like, layer, layer, then that thought is not helping you and

power thinking was along the lines of like, hey, in the past I haven't made great choices

but they were my choices then and I can make different ones now and today is an opportunity

to practice great choices, like not as shiny but more believable, certainly more useful.

But if we were to go to the next level with that as we are, the way to build on that would

be the good perspective is not the one that sounds the nicest or sounds the most realistic

even, it's the one that helps you respond better right now, right?

It's the one that helps you hold the standard right now.

It's the one that helps you stay aligned right now, right?

It's the one that helps you tap into the whole truth instead of the permissive corner

of the truth right now.

It's not just the believable one that feels better, it's the one that moves you towards

a better response right now.

I think about yelling at my kids, I'm imperfect, I'm imperfect, I yell at my kids, they

frustrate me and I'm working on not doing it and the positive perspective would be something

like, my kids are such a gift and the time is so short and I just, I'm a mom who is

calm and I use a calm kind voice and I know that anything that is said in anger is more

effective said calmly.

Cool, except that's not my reality, so it doesn't feel helpful.

Power thinking would be like, hey, every day is an opportunity to be more of the mom I

want to be true, true, but I would say it falls short and these metrics of like, does

it help me hold the standard, right?

The more helpful version in this 2026 version of this whole construct around mindset and

positive thinking versus power thinking is, hey, in the next 30 minutes, where am I most

vulnerable to losing my cool with my kids and how am I going to set myself up for winning

in the next 30 minutes or the next hour?

Like, maybe I know that if I'm trying to cook dinner and the kids are begging for snacks,

I get really irritated, so that gives me a really practical opportunity to see the setup,

the setup is I want to make dinner and not yell at my kids, right?

And the mindset that I bring to it, if I'm just like, I'm calm and I love these kids and

this is a beautiful moment, that might not help me hold the standard.

But if I'm like, okay, let's be, let's be strategic to go back to kind of the warrior mindset

mode that we talked about in 1399, episode 1399, I'm scanning and I'm going if they're running

in here, digging through the pantry while I'm making dinner, I'm going to lose my crap.

So maybe I give them a craft, maybe I give them a snack, maybe I move them outside to paint

the deck, I don't really care, my kids can watercolor all over the deck all day long if it keeps

them out of my hair while I'm painting dinner. And you might think, well, that's not mindset,

you better believe it is, problem solving mode, being strategic is absolutely a mindset.

And I would say that, yeah, the power-thinking thought of like, hey, man, I'm flawed,

but every day is an opportunity to practice being more calm in the way that I communicate,

even especially in anger. That's cool and that's great, but it's not necessarily what's going

to help me hold the standard in the next 30 minutes. It's not necessarily going to be valuable

for helping me stay aligned and helping me move towards a better response. Marriages are really

great example. If I think positive thinking, I'm so lucky to have my husband, he's a great man,

I trust him, I'm safe with him, you know, he's a child of God, lovely, wonderful. And also,

doesn't really help me when I'm super ticked off because he didn't do X, Y, and Z or I'm feeling

resentful or we've gotten in a big fight. Power thinking might be, I don't have to do this

all on my own and maybe the opportunity is to just shut my mouth. That is valuable, but it might

not be as effective as the next level which is, hey, what's going to help me hold the standard

in the next hour? I know this is all mindset, this is perspective, I haven't done anything yet.

If I go out of my way in the next two hours before my husband gets home to send him a message

of encouragement, like, hey, I really appreciate you taking the kids to the playground today,

I know it would probably be easier to just stay home and let them play in the backyard, but like,

thanks for doing that and thanks for taking them to the bakery where the moms were even though

it was a mom thing and you're not a mom. Like, I really appreciate you doing that and putting

the kids and their experiences ahead of yourself. Do you know that that is a meaningful move

that moves me towards a better response later in the day? The seeds that I plant early in the day

absolutely influence the way the rest of the day goes. So I'm being strategic, I'm looking at

what can I do or how can I think or how can I respond to help me hold the standard? Sometimes

it's thoughts, sometimes it's thoughts that inform actions, sometimes it's both. But if I think

about food choices, it's one thing to think like, I make great choices because I value my health

and every choice is a chance. Cool. It doesn't necessarily help me when I'm standing in front of

the pantry going like, but it's just popcorn, this one thing won't hurt. And so maybe then I think

well, like, every choice moves the needle, every choice matters, but then there's moments where I say

I don't care. So what is the perspective that helps me hold the standard? I have one more good

choice in me. You know, I can do these three things that are supportive of my health for the next

hour and then decide. I can wait it out for an hour and then decide. I can go for a walk and then

decide. These are all things that move me towards a better response. Sometimes our thoughts, our mindset

is not reporting reality, but negotiating with it, right? We're not just saying I'm tired. We're

saying because I'm tired, I'm not going to work out. We're not just saying like, I'm so disappointed.

We're saying because I'm so disappointed, I deserve a treat. We're not just saying today was a hard

day at work. We're saying today was a hard day at work. And so the standard for later no longer

applies, right? And this perspective matters because it shapes whether we reinforce the negotiation

or whether we hold the line. A powerful question to ask yourself is how do I redirect these

thoughts or perspectives in a way that helps me hold the standard? Right? How do I redirect

these thoughts in a way that helps me hold the standard? That is mindset work. It's not

sounding cheerful. It's not manufacturing sunshine. It's not lying with enthusiasm or

pretending everything is great. It's looking for and experimenting with perspectives to find

what helps you hold the line. And I'm intentionally using the phrase hold the line because I think

it captures something more than like cutting off negotiation because sometimes negotiation can

help you hold the line. Yeah, we are going to go out to dinner, but I'm going to do an appetizer

in a salad and I'm not going to do an entree in dessert, you know, or I'm not going to have alcohol.

Sometimes negotiation is the very thing that helps you hold the line. The goal is not to stop

thoughts. The goal is not to stop negotiation. The goal is to stay aligned with the standard,

right? To hear the thoughts, to recognize them and then to choose a perspective that helps you

perspective to protect the standard. That is a far more valuable skill than just being positive

or being empowering. In chasing cupcakes, I go through this detailed framework of positive

redirect, an empowering redirect, a neutral redirect. And I still think that has a lot of value

for a lot of people. And I think that now, you know, being what I wrote that book in 2018, it came

out in 2019, early 2019. So here we are six, seven years later. It's more than that. It's when

the negotiation starts, what perspective helps you hold the line or keeps you honest, right?

It's not, this is easy and I love it and it's worth it. That's where I love the response. I did a

three pep talks episode a week or two ago. And I was talking about how when doubt shows up, like,

oh my gosh, you know, how are these changes in the economy going to impact my business? My response

is very simply, hey, be better because that helps me hold the standard. If I'm about to record a

podcast, how can I make it 5% better? If I'm about to write an email, how can I do it a little bit

better? How can I take a little more time with it or put a little bit more effort into it? Because

if I'm doing all the best things I can do, then the work kind of takes care of itself. If I'm

stressed about some tension in my marriage and I say, like, well, hey, be better. That doesn't

mean I hold all the cards and I control the outcomes. But if I'm focused on the things I can

control, being better about appreciation, being better about affection, being better about, you

know, serving wherever I can serve, then a lot of the outcomes take care of themselves. And I'm

getting myself out of my head and out of the worry or the catastrophizing or the worst case

scenario. And I'm getting into an improved pattern of response. And I think that's one of the

clearest tests for whether or not a perspective is serving you. Does it move me into a helpful response?

Does it move me into something that protects the standard? That's the bar, right? Positivity has a

place. Encouraging thoughts can help, but mindset work is bigger than that. The real skill is

choosing the perspectives that help you hold the line. The life you want is built by thoughts that

help you stay aligned when reality gets inconvenient or emotional or tempting or hard. And that's

what I want you to pay attention to today. Today, when your negotiation starts, what perspectives

can you shift into that help you protect the standard, right? When your brain makes the very

familiar case for why this time should be different and this time you get a pass, how can you show up

with a perspective that helps you to hold the line? Not what sounds nice, what helps you hold the line?

I don't know about you. I'm loving refreshing some of these older episodes. If there's one from

the archives you want me to go back to, let me know. I would be happy to. I hope you have an amazing

day and I'll see you on the next episode.