3 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over Someone in Early Dating | Rewind

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The fact is a huge number of people can't say yes to that.

Too many of us are stuck in a job we've outgrown or one we never really wanted in the

first place.

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I asked people recently on Instagram, what is a mistake or a pattern that you keep making

in your love life that you want to work on?

One person said that she wanted to work on taking things more slowly so that she doesn't

invest in people before they've shown they actually deserve it.

I thought I'd spend a bit of time here because this is an incredibly common thing.

I know I've done it.

I'm sure you've done it.

You get excited about someone and you rush forward thinking, I don't even think we

are thinking when we do it necessarily.

There's just this instinctive, I'm excited about this person, I'm excited about what

it could be.

We start projecting, of course, onto that person, all of the value that they could have in

our lives, how amazing they are, how great the relationship could be or would be.

And then we start giving a ton of energy to it.

Firstly, is that helpful to do?

And if we agree that it's not helpful, how do we get ourselves to actually slow down?

I would argue that it's absolutely not helpful to do that because it shows someone that

they don't actually have to provide any value or invest in us in order to get all of our

value.

It is a false representation of how great that person is because we probably don't even

know them that well yet.

And it assumes that by speeding up and by investing more, someone will like us more.

And that's just not true.

Something more in someone does not necessarily make them like us more.

In fact, it might make them value us less because they start to take for granted just how

much energy they're getting from us, a time when they're not giving us that much.

So if it doesn't just not help us, if it can actually hurt us, how do we get ourselves

to slow down?

Slowing down with someone, being someone that another person has to actually earn is easy

when we are swimming in options.

Because it feels kind of natural.

If we have loads of options, then it's easy to assess what is the best option.

Who's the option that's giving me the best or giving me the most?

What's hard is going slow when we feel like we don't have any options?

When we've been single for a while, when we don't relate to having attention or when

we don't relate to having attention from the people we actually want.

And then all of a sudden, someone that we do feel attracted to starts showing us a

little attention.

Some of a sudden it feels like we've stumbled upon this incredibly rare treasure and we have

to grab onto it as hard as possible.

It's very hard when we're coming from a place of scarcity to go slow with somebody.

It feels like it goes against all of our instincts.

So how do we do it?

Firstly, in the absence of options, we have to connect to the other parts of our life

that give us a feeling of joy or worthiness or satisfaction or meaning and really connect

to those on a daily basis, especially when we meet someone we like.

So when we do meet someone like that, we're not thinking that this person is the answer

to some kind of existential problem.

And if you watch my videos a lot, you know that I like my business analogies and I think

a lot in terms of those.

In business, there will always be sexy opportunities that come along.

There will be things that feel glamorous or feel like they could be exciting.

And the temptation is when something like that comes along to jump at it because it

feels like a bit of a lottery win.

What I have prided myself on is having cultivated a career where the kind of meat and potatoes

of what I get to do every day is enough for me.

I love making videos.

I love being able to go to my live events and connect with people and run retreats and

write and have this amazing team that I love working with every day.

My daily existence in my career is already enough for me.

So when something that feels kind of glamorous or sexy comes along and says, do you want to

do this crazy opportunity, Matt?

Before I jump and say yes, I always put it through the filter of, is it going to give me

what I really need?

Is it aligned with my values?

Does it feel like it's fits with the culture of my life and what I want to do?

And if the answer is no, it's actually quite easy for me to say no, even to things that

from the outside look wildly exciting, like Matt, how can you say no to that?

It's actually kind of easy.

Because I have an abundance everywhere else in my career, in my working life.

I think our love lives are the same way.

It shouldn't be the case that we only go slow with someone or are able to say no to someone

if there's someone else waiting in the wings.

That's not a strong position to be in.

That's not real confidence.

Real confidence is I can say no even when there's not another option because I'm abundant

everywhere else in my life.

If you have things that you love doing with your day, people you like spending time with

passions that you just feel absorbed in, a life that you think is beautiful, all of that

creates a level of abundance that means when someone comes along, instead of getting over

excited about that person, we go slow and evaluate every step of the way, whether this

is a person who can meet our needs and who fits with the culture that we want to have

in our life.

The second way to slow down so that we don't over invest in someone who isn't investing

in us is to have a clear vision for the kind of relationship that is going to make us happy.

Really think about it.

Instead of just getting excited about the early stages of dating when you meet someone

you like, think about the kind of long term relationship you want to be in.

What's the loyalty you want to feel?

What's the level of peace you want to feel with this person?

How seen do you want to know that you are by this person?

What's the teamwork between you?

How do you conquer life's problems together?

How do you approach life together and you vision and what you're building?

Have all of these things in mind and it may seem like that's a lot to think about in

early dating.

But that's the whole point, seeing that that is what your vision is for your ideal relationship

and forget ideal was like the absolute pinnacle.

I mean, ideal was in, this is what I need as my baseline for being happy.

When you think about all of that, it suddenly starts to feel ludicrous.

How excited we get about someone in week two because we realize I don't know this person.

I know that I've had some fun with them.

I know that it was a really great day.

I know that I feel butterflies.

I feel chemistry but I actually don't even know one tenth of how they would be in this

relationship.

I've not ticked any of these boxes yet so that allows us to start to slow down and come

back down to earth and it checks us a little bit when it comes to feeling this excited

about person or this heartbroken if they haven't texted us for a few days because we go,

I have no business feeling this excited about this person when I don't know that they

can fulfill any of these criteria right now.

In fact, the fact that I'm not getting a lot of investment from them right now, the

fact that their communication is patchy, the fact that I don't feel seen right now is

evidence of it being the wrong thing, not something that should make me mourn the fact

that I'm not getting enough from the right thing.

By having a clear vision about what you want in the future, you can be present today

in a way that allows you to not get overexcited about something that isn't real yet.

And the third thing is we have to back ourselves to find the thing that we're looking for long

term.

We have to be able to say to ourselves, the right thing soon or later is going to come

along.

So I don't need to settle for something that's wrong for me now.

It is going to come along.

Something better is coming my way and therefore I can buy it my time.

Now this is the hardest of the three because it requires a real confidence.

It requires a real belief in our own value.

It requires a real belief in the opportunities that are out there for us.

It requires a longer term perspective and that kind of belief normally is derived from

having some wins in our life.

That kind of confidence that the right thing is coming usually comes from knowing in our

past that the right thing has come before or real belief in our value, real belief in

what we have to offer and not everyone has that kind of belief.

So that third one is the hardest to achieve, the believing that something better is coming.

That's the hardest one to achieve.

The irony of all of this is that when we have these kinds of standards around how we give

up our time, our energy, our intimacy, we become more attractive.

Someone starts to look at us as someone who has to be one over and I don't mean one over

in the sense that we were difficult and then we become easy because we get one over.

I mean, one over in the sense that someone realizes that they have to actually invest in

us in order to get the best of us.

Without these three things in place, it's very hard, if not impossible, to have the kind

of standard that I'm talking about because whatever standard we have will only be fake.

It will be a game.

It will be, I'm going to play hard to get and go slow as a kind of tactic to get you

to think that I'm special, but the problem is there's nothing really underpinning it,

which is why those tactics often dissolve at the first sign of resistance.

To take something from being a tactic to a standard, it has to be underpinned by something

deeper, by these three things, having an abundant life, having a vision for what we want

that is unshakable and having this belief that something better is coming for us because

we know what we have to offer in this world.

Thank you so much for listening to the episode.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Before you go, make sure that you do this today.

I promise you every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say.

I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single

Friday.

The email is called the three relationships, and every email is packed with advice on

how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your

life, your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship

with life itself.

It's a super valuable email, people really look forward to it.

This is not the kind of email that you don't open, it's the kind of email you can't wait

to see in your inbox every Friday.

Go over to thethreerelationships.com to sign up for that email for free, and I will see

you in your inbox this Friday.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Be well and love life.

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