372. Why You Can't Get Out of Bed: Understanding Nervous System Shutdown vs. Rest

Hey, this is Paige de Sorbo from Giggly Squad, and today I want to talk to you about Boost

Mobile.

Quick question, why are we letting our phone bills bully us?

Here's a money tip.

Stop paying a carrier tax.

When you bring your own phone and switch to Boost Mobile's $25 unlimited forever plan,

you can unlock up to $600 in savings, that's real life money, not money trapped in a

pricey phone bill.

$600 is a trip, a shopping spree, or paying something off.

Your money belongs in your life.

You get unlimited data, talk, and tax for $25 a month with no contracts and no minimum

line requirement.

Your phone, your rules, had to boostmobile.com to switch today and unlock the savings you

actually deserve.

After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience lower speed.

Customers pay $25 per month while active on Boost Mobile unlimited plan.

Savings claim based on a January 2026 Boost Mobile Survey, comparing average annual payments

of major carrier customers to 12 months on the Boost Mobile unlimited plan.

Visit BoostMobile.com for details.

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports.

Right now, the NBA is heating up, March Manus is here, and MLB is almost back.

Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself.

That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app.

For me, it's about staying connected to my sports.

I could follow the teams I care about, get real-time scores, breaking news, and highlights

all in one place.

Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

This is the exclusive table with the view.

This is your name on the list.

This is three times points on dining with Chase Sapphire Reserve and a $300 dining credit.

Chase Sapphire Reserve, now even more rewarding.

Learn more at Chase.com slash Sapphire Reserve.

Cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank and a member of FDIC, subject to credit approval.

If you've been on TikTok lately, you've probably seen bedriding.

People staying in bed all day, calling itself care and radical rest.

Gen Z is embracing it as a way to recover from burnout.

And I'm finding it's not just Gen Zs who are doing this.

I see you millennials and Gen X have even seen it with some boomers.

So, but here's what's actually happening.

Your nervous system has gone into shutdown mode.

Today, we're talking about the difference between genuine rest and nervous system shutdown.

Why your body chooses sometimes this immobilization over action.

And what to do when you literally can't get yourself out of bed.

You'll learn the science behind shutdown, how to tell if you're resting or avoiding

and very practical tools to gently reactivate you when you're stuck.

So, stay tuned.

Welcome to the Relationships Made Easy Podcast, where I give you the exact steps

to create connection, joy and ease and all your relationships.

Whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or most importantly, yourself.

I'm Dr. Abby Medcalf.

Psychologists, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and the bossy Jewish mom you didn't know you needed.

Each week, you'll get no nonsense, research back strategies, serve with humor and love.

So, you can stop second-guessing yourself and start having the relationships you deserve.

You'll always leave knowing exactly what to say and do to shift your relationships for the better.

So, let's get to it.

Welcome back to the podcast.

And again, this is not just for Gen Z, even though that's where I see most of this

reporting coming from, but I know, because my clients tend to be not Gen Z.

And I have people who just are, again, like scrolling all day on their phone or sitting,

you know, really not moving.

And I have certainly had these days where I, maybe I'm not in bed necessarily,

but I'm maybe sitting on the couch all day, you know, saying kind of things.

So, what is bed rottings?

Let's just start with what it actually is.

And the term went viral on TikTok in like 2023, but it's continued to gain traction.

And there was searches spiking throughout 2024 and into 2025.

So, it refers to spending extended time in bed.

Again, or that can be on a couch, really, or just laying down.

Often an entire day or weekend doing nothing particularly productive, you know,

scrolling on your phone, streaming, watching TV, snacking, maybe napping on and off.

You're not sick.

You're not necessarily depressed, although that can be part of it.

You're just staying in bed.

So, or staying on the couch or staying really horizontal.

The people that I see mostly posting about it frame it as intentional rest, kind of like,

I don't know, like a rebellion against the hustle culture, a way to reclaim downtime

in an overstimulated world.

And hey, I get the appeal, okay?

We're all exhausted.

So many of us are over-scheduled overwork, overstimulated.

The idea of just saying, sort of, screw it and staying horizontal for 24 hours, you know,

sounds pretty damn good.

But here's the thing.

What people are calling bedroding isn't usually rest.

It's shutdown.

So, I want to talk first about the difference between rest versus shutdown.

There's a massive difference between resting and shutting down.

And most people can't tell which one they're doing.

But here's the thing.

There are actually three states you need to understand, okay?

Not just two.

Not just, you know, rest or not.

So, I want to explain what's happening in your nervous system.

You know me, give me, let me give you the science too, because that's where it really gets

interesting, I think.

And then you'll understand, because if you're listening, you probably think this isn't good for me.

And it might be, you know, not all, quote unquote bedroding is bad.

Sometimes it can be a great thing.

So, I want to be able to distinguish that for you.

So, your autonomic nervous system has three main states.

Your autonomic is often also called your automatic nervous system, right?

It has three main states, according to polyvagal theory, which I've talked about a lot here

on the podcast.

It was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, P-O-R-G-E-S.

I think I always say his name wrong, sorry, Dr.

I think of these as three different kind of operating systems your body can run, okay?

So, you have your, what's called your ventral vagal state.

Number one is that your social engagement system.

This is when you feel safe, you feel connected and calm.

You think clearly, you're emotionally available, your body is genuinely at rest.

This is where recovery happens.

So, this is the goal of this state.

Number two, though, is your sympathetic state.

Your sympathetic state is your mobilization system, that's what we call it.

This is your fight or flight, your body's activated, you are ready to move,

you know, you could be anxious, you could be angry, you know, you're revved up.

And then the third state is what's called your dorsal vagal state.

And that's your shutdown system.

This is the oldest part of your nervous system and it's designed for one thing

and one thing only, a mobilization.

When your body knows if fighting or fleeing doesn't work,

you kind of play dead, your body plays dead, you collapse, you freeze, you shut down, okay?

So, and sadly, you know, this is what's happened to rape victims.

This state takes over, you know, for someone's in a, or in some sort of violent situation where they

just can't get out, they can't fight or flee, right?

That the, it's like the brain takes over as a way to not be so terrified.

So, it's an old, that's why it's so old in our evolutionary body.

Now, now here's what makes this confusing.

What you do while you're in bedroding determines which state you're actually in.

And this is where most people, I think, get it wrong and why I want to do this episode.

So, recovery, which is, that's the ventral vagal, is active rest that actually restores your

nervous system. So, this looks like going for a walk outside, connecting with a friend,

meditating, engaging in a hobby you enjoy, sitting quietly without screens, I'll say it again,

sitting quietly without screens, no electronics, no phone or nothing.

Your body feels calm, but present. You're choosing activities that feel nourishing.

And when you're done, you feel recharged. That's genuine rest, you know, real recovery. You get that.

Passive consumption is what most people think is rest, but it's not actually restorative.

I'm going to say that again. Passive consumption, in my experience, is what most people think is

rest, but it's not actually restorative. And that's, you know, doom scrolling on your phone for

hours, binge watching Netflix, playing video games mindlessly, um, grazing on snacks while you're

staring at a screen. You're not in shutdown, but you're also not recovering. You're just,

you're just numbing. Your nervous system stays in a low grade stress state. I want to say that

again, your nervous system when you're doing this is staying in a low grade stress state because

you're constantly consuming simulation without actually processing anything. And I have so much

research for this episode, I went down every rabbit holder is. And whenever I say research or the

downloads or past episodes for any of my new folks, you can find that below the video if you're

watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe if you are. Leave a comment. Um, and otherwise,

you can go to the website, abymechaf.com, go to this episode page bed rotting, you know, and

you'll find all the research, all the downloads, everything I talk about, you know, that you would

have to click on, you can find in one of those two places. Okay, really easy for you. So,

and you can also read the blog, by the way, I always have a blog that goes with every single

episode, just to make it, it's not a transcript, it's a natural blog, to make it easy for you,

because you might have someone you know who doesn't like to listen to a podcast, but who would read

a 10 minute, who would read for 10 minutes, right, about this. So there's also the blog. Okay,

so when I say the research, go look, if you feel like it, if you don't believe me or if you want to

also look at the research. So the research shows that this kind of passive rest doesn't restore

your energy or improve your mood. It does not. You might feel temporarily distracted,

but when you stop, you're going to feel just as drained as before. That's why, you know, it kind of

keeps going on. Now shut down, that's that dorsal vehicle I talked about, is when your body has

essentially turned off, you feel numb, you feel heavy, completely disconnected, you don't think

really clearly, you feel like you can't get up even if you wanted to. Time passes without you

really noticing, you're not choosing this, your nervous system has made the choice for you, right.

So, and here's the really, well, it's all important parts, right, but here's the really important

part, bedriding usually involves passive consumption. You're lying in bed, you're scrolling social

media, you're streaming shows for 10 hours, you think you're resting, but you're actually stuck

in a middle zone that doesn't give you what you need. You're not in full shutdown, but you're

also not recovering. You are just avoiding and that's what's not good. So when people say bedriding

is self-care, what they often mean is I'm lying in bed consuming content and calling it rest,

but passive consumption, as I said, isn't recovery, and if you're doing it long enough or often

enough, you might actually be sliding into shutdown without realizing it, and that's what is so

dangerous. So here's how to tell the difference. Let me tell you how to tell the difference, because

again, I have absolutely taken a day off, laid in bed, done nothing, whatever, and have found

it really rejuvenating. I've also laid in bed, done nothing, whatever, and not found it rejuvenating,

found myself even more tired than when I started. That's kind of how you know, but let me, let me

tell you how you really know the difference. This, these, here are signs that you're in recovery,

in other words, that you're in that ventral vehicle, the one we want. These are signs you're in

recovery. You feel calm and peaceful. You can think clearly. You're making, making active choices

about what to do with your time. You feel recharged after resting. You can easily transition back

to, you know, like activity when you're ready, like it's so you can, and then get right back into

things. You feel connected to yourself and to other people. All of that are signs of that. Now,

signs that you're in passive consumption. Remember, that's when we don't want. You're scrolling or

watching, but not really enjoying it after a while. You realize, I'm not even enjoying this. Time

passes without you noticing how many times does that happen to you? You kind of wake up, you know,

right? And you've been on your phone for four hours. You feel slightly numb or zoned out. You

can't get up if you need to, but you don't want, you, you can get up. Sorry, if you need to,

but you don't want to. So you could move. You could do things. You just, it's so hard to find

a motivation to do, to do it. You feel vaguely guilty or like you're quote unquote wasting time,

right? And when you stop, you don't feel better. Okay. And then here's the signs that you're in

complete shutdown. That's that again, dorsal vagal. That's the only really don't want. You feel numb,

heavy or disconnected. You can't think clearly or make decisions well. You feel like you can't

get up even if you did want to. You feel worse after extended time and bed, not better on the

couch or whatever. You feel isolated or like you're watching your life kind of from the outside

yourself. You're avoiding something, even if you can't name what? Yeah, I'll let that sit there a

second. So research on dissociation and shutdown states, there's a lot of research on it. And it

shows that people often describe feeling like they're not really there, like they're moving through

fog or like they're watching themselves from a distance. That's your clue that you're not resting,

you're shutting down. So, so why, why does your nervous system shut down? That's got to be the

next question, right? Why does this happen? Your nervous system, your nervous system shuts down

when it perceives a threat that's too big to fight or escape from, okay? It doesn't mean you can

name it. It doesn't mean it makes sense. It just means that's what it is. So in our evolutionary

past, obviously that was very useful. If a predator was about to attack you and you couldn't fight it

or outrun it, playing dead could save your life, right? They could. But here's the problem. Your

modern nervous system can't tell the difference between a predator and your, you know, overflowing

inbox or the 15 projects you have due or whatever it is. It can't tell the difference between a

physical threat and emotional overwhelm. So when life feels too much, you know, too many demands,

too much stress, too little support, too much uncertainty, your body might choose shutdown.

And as you might imagine, there's a lot of research on trauma and chronic stress and it really,

it shows consistently that shutdown is especially common in people who've experienced situations

where fighting or fleeing didn't work. So maybe you grew up in a home where expressing your,

your needs led to criticism or punishment. Maybe you've been in relationships where your boundaries

weren't respected and you didn't really know how to draw a boundary because you never learned.

Maybe you faced situations where no matter what you did, it didn't change the outcome. That

could be right now. You could at your job or somewhere else or with your partner or your parents

or whoever. Over time, your nervous system learns that action doesn't help. So it stops trying.

And it just shuts down instead. And I want to say this too right here. Sorry, I think I'm talking

fast. Am I talking fast? I'm so excited. Okay. Things keep occurring to me. I want to say right now,

this is different from depression. They can overlap. But this is different from depression.

Depression is a mental health condition and it has very specific diagnostic criteria. Okay,

I'm not going to get into that today. But you know, we have our diagnostic and statistical manual

of mental disorders that we psychologists and healthcare professionals use. That's very

specific. I know we use that. We're all used to press. She's depressed. We say that a lot,

but there's really specific criteria for that. Shut down is a nervous system state, not a mental

health condition. Say that again, so depression, mental health condition, which obviously affects

the nervous system. But shut down that I'm talking about today is a nervous system state.

You can be in shutdown without being clinically depressed and you can be depressed without

being in shutdown. But they often show up together, which is I think why it gets so confusing.

Okay. But so I'm not going to talk about depression today. So I'm going to be clear. But I'll

alluded to some things later with when we talk about help. So let's talk about when shutdown

becomes a problem. And again, here's the tricky part. Occasional shutdown isn't necessarily

a problem. If you've had an incredibly stressful week and you spend Saturday and bed recovering,

that might be exactly what your nervous system needs. Okay. I've done it. Have you done it?

It's good. It's beautiful. If you can manage that, it's kind of amazing. The problem is when shutdown

becomes your default coping mechanism when that's all you got. The research shows that when you

regularly go into shutdown mode, instead of addressing what's overwhelming you, you're not

solving the problem, you're hitting a pause button. And every time you come out of shutdown,

the same stressors are still there. So you go right back into shutdown again. It creates a horrible,

horrible cycle, a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of cycle. It's not good. You feel overwhelmed,

you shut down. You feel temporarily relieved. You re-enter your life. You feel overwhelmed

again and you shut down again, right? And over time, this is so important to hear. Over time,

it takes less and less stress to trigger shutdown because your nervous system has learned that this

is the safest option. And you might have already found that. You might have found previously that

your tolerance for things was higher. And then you end up doing this bedriding thing or something

close to it. And your tolerance is actually getting lower. I know. It's hurting you. It's kind of

like, you know, I feel upset and I have a drink. You know, it works very temporarily, but it's going

to over time. And if I keep drinking too much, right? It's going to impact me in a really negative

way. It happens with my clients who smoke pot regularly, other things. You end up with a lower

tolerance because you're using this particular coping mechanism. If you're using it for that,

instead of addressing the real problem. So, and there's a lot of research on avoidance, right?

We call it avoidance coping. And the research on avoidance coping shows that while like I just said,

it provides a temporary relief. It actually increases anxiety and stress over time.

You're not building resilience. You're building a pattern of escape. And that's why you're probably

listening to me right now because you realize this is not working for you. This, this way you're dealing

with things. So there's five things to do when you're in shutdown, okay? That, well, there's

many things you could do. These are my five. So, so if you recognize that you're in shutdown mode,

right? What do you do? And the goal isn't to force yourself out of bed through sheer willpower,

okay? That that usually backs backfires. You already know it does. The goal is to gently help

your nervous system shift from that dorsal vagal shutdown back to ventral vagal safety. That's

what we're trying to do. And that's why when you've just tried through willpower, it hasn't worked

before. And actually, this is a good time to mention that I have a great free download for today.

I'm killing it with my free download. So I want to say, I'm trying to really help you have

something after the podcast that you can do that will, you know, move the needle. So the free

download for today is it's a guide on nervous system regulation. And it'll just, it'll help you

understand what's really happening in your body and give you practical, practical tools to start

feeling better, right? And of course, I have a therapy to go bundle, which I'll talk about at the

very end if you want to, if you want to get that. But for free, you can get this other thing. So,

and I'll mention it again at the end. But for now, these are my six, and these are all research

backed tools to help you, to help you, okay? So number one, and these are really specific.

Start with the smallest possible movement. Again, from the research, this is the stuff to do when

you're this shutdown. When you're in shutdown, big actions feel impossible. So don't try to get

up, shower, start your day. That's why you, you're trying that. That's why it's not working. And

you think it's a willpower issue. But your nervous system has shifted into something that you're,

you've got to overcome biologically first, not psychologically. I'm going to say that again,

you got to get out, this is a biological nervous system thing. When you keep trying to address

it psychologically first. And I'm not saying later, you know, you have to look at what's bothering

you. That's my therapy to go bundle. You know, I'll have more stuff in there. But,

but first, and that's what the free download is for. Let's just get you

movement, like something small. And so really, again, from the research, start wiggling your

toes. Seriously, just move your toes. Then maybe stretch your legs. Then maybe sit up.

Maybe, then maybe stand. Each tiny movement sends a signal to your nervous system

that it's safe to come back online. Movement, again, even micro movement, it activates your

sympathetic nervous system just enough to pull you out of freeze without overwhelming you. I'm

telling you, I've been doing this with clients for many years. It really, really works. So just

wiggle your toes, wiggle your fingers, just just a little bit, little bit, just a little tiny bit.

You're, you're trying to get, I always say like you can't get from shitty to giddy, you know,

like you can't get from, you know, you're like not even on the ladder, right? And you're

trying to run up the ladder, like, you know, to like starting your day and being motivated, don't,

don't do that. To, you know, turn the inner critic off for a moment and do what I'm telling you.

The second thing you want to do is you're wiggling your toes, you're doing that, you know,

and then you want to engage your sentence, your senses. Sorry. Second, number two, is you want

to engage your sentence. Senses. Why do I have a trouble that word? So shut down. Again,

come at complete shutdown, often involves really a disconnection from your body and your environment.

So grounding techniques that engage your senses can help you come back.

One of the most common grounding techniques is, you know, notice five things you can see,

four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you

can taste. That's, that's a common one. One I love is picking a color like blue and then naming

everything in the room that's blue, something like that. And these aren't just distraction techniques,

they're literally telling your nervous system, we're here, we're present, we're safe enough to

notice our surroundings. You see that? Like again, small, small, small, small. And part of my

therapy to go bundles a whole list of grounding techniques, but again, I'll talk about that later.

Number three is to use your voice. This always surprises people, but it's really powerful. I know

it sounds weird, but talking out loud, humming, singing activates your ventral vagal system.

Your vagus nerve connects to the muscles of your throat and face. So using your voice

stimulates the part of your nervous system that helps you feel safe and connected.

So you don't have to call someone or have a conversation, just hum, hum a song, read a sing a song,

read something out loud, talk to yourself about what you're noticing. The sound of your own

voice can be enough to shift your nervous system state. I know, it's amazing, right?

So even just listening to my fabulous melodic voice is not enough, you need more, you need yourself.

Okay. Number four would be to get vertical. There's something about being horizontal that keeps you

in shutdown. There's a lot of research on posture and mood. I did a wonderful episode a few years

ago with Dr. Eric Pepper, Dr. Pepper, is that the best name ever? Who's one of the leading

kind of researchers in the world on biofeedback? And we did a whole thing on posture and stuff. So

I'll, I'll link to that again, like below the video and on the website. I'll link to that episode.

You might want to listen to it. He's brilliant about just like putting your shoulders back and

your chest out, things like that. There's a lot of research on posture and mood. And it always

shows that sitting or standing upright actually improves your emotional state, compared to lying down

or being slumped. So it's not just psychological. Your body takes cues from your physical position,

it all the time. I'm not going to go into all that here, but it really does. So once you've done

some small movements, engage your senses, try sitting up. Even if you stay in bed, just

or on the couch, just sit up fully, right? Then maybe stand, maybe walk to another room. Each

shift in position helps your nervous system reorient. And that's what you're looking for.

And number five is after you do all that, and this would only be if you've done all the rest of

this, is you could ask yourself what you're avoiding. And this is a hard one, but it's probably the

most important. Shutdown is almost always about avoiding some telling you something feels too

overwhelming to face. So your nervous system chooses to shut down instead. But here's the problem,

whatever you're avoiding obviously doesn't go away just because you're not looking at it. It's still

there when you come back. So you need to figure out what it is. And I'm not talking about surface

level avoidance like, you know, I'm avoiding my inbox. So you know, I'm talking about what's

underneath that? What are you actually afraid of? And let me give you some questions to help

you get there. I wasn't going to do this, but I am. So let me give you some questions to help

you get there. You might ask yourself, what feels too hard to face right now? Is it a difficult

conversation you need to have, a decision you need to make? It could be a loss you haven't fully

grieved. It could be loneliness you're trying not to face. It could be a drinking or drug problem

you're trying not to face. Uncertainty about the future. The right here in the United States today,

woo, it is scary times. My kids are in college and I'm like, I would hate to be coming out into

this world right now. I would hate to be trying to figure out what I should be. Oh, hey, I just

came out. You just went to school for three years for software engineering. Sorry, that's probably not

a job anymore. You know, I mean, it is like, it's scary. It's scary. I think it's scary.

Guess what? That could be enough to stick you on bed. So

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports. Right now, the NBA is heating up,

March Bandis is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight,

a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app.

For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I could follow the teams I care about,

get real-time scores, breaking news, and highlights all in one place.

Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

This is the Chase Sapphire Lounge of Boston Logan. You got Clamp Chowder in New York,

30 Martini, over 1,300 airport lounges in one car that gets you in. Chase Sapphire Reserve,

now even more rewarding. Learn more at Chase.com slash Sapphire Reserve.

Cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank and a member FDIC, subject to credit approval.

I would have you ask yourself, like, what happens if you imagine getting out of bed and engaging

with your life? What feelings come up? Is it anxiety? Dread, overwhelm? Are you sad? You know,

whatever that feeling is is probably a clue. What would you have to deal with if you weren't in

shutdown? What would you be doing today, quote-unquote, if you weren't in shutdown? Sometimes shutdown is

protecting you from feeling something you just don't want to feel. What is that, right? Is there

something you're hoping will resolve itself if you just avoid it long enough, right? Obviously,

spoiler, it will not. And there's a lot, again, there's research on avoidance, and it shows that

the things we avoid tend to get bigger over time, not smaller. There's actual research on this,

though. It's not just me stating the obvious. The longer you avoid a difficult conversation,

the harder it becomes to have. The longer you avoid making a decision, the more anxious you

feel about that thing. The longer you avoid processing grief, the more it shows up in other ways,

right? It just all of it. You don't have to solve it right now. I want to be really clear,

you do not have to solve it right now. You just have to name it because once you know what you're

avoiding, you can start taking tiny steps towards addressing it. Instead of shutting down every time

it comes up. And again, if this is really hitting you, I don't usually try to like sell hard

here on the podcast, but I have to tell you the therapy to go bundle today for you. I'll tell you

what's in it at the end, because I have something that addresses this exactly. I was very, very

thoughtful with that bundle today. There's a lot in there, because I think this is a big issue.

And I think I was thinking of what my own kids face. And I do have some clients who are younger,

who do face this. And like I said, I have Gen Z's and I have millennials also doing this. So,

there you go. Not Gen Z, sorry, Gen X's and millennials who are also doing this.

So, again, maybe that means scheduling a difficult conversation. That's what I do. If I'm noticing I'm

avoiding something, I schedule it. I'll tell Gary or my kids or something like, hey, let's talk

today at four or something, because it stops me from chickening out. Maybe it means talking to a

therapist about some grief you've been carrying or fear you've been carrying. Maybe it means

sitting with loneliness instead of numbing it. The action doesn't have to be big. It just has to

be in the direction of what you're avoiding not away from it. So, it doesn't, again, have to solve

it. Actually, I'm going to give you more tips. Okay, number six, just thought of another one.

Because this is, I think, really big. You need to reality check your bandwidth and stop comparing.

I think this is something nobody wants to hear, but everybody needs to. Different people have

different bandwidth. They just do. Sometimes I'll be telling my sister about stuff I'm doing and

she's like, oh my god, I can't even hear you talking about your day. I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't

mean my sister has something wrong with her. We just have different bandwidth for things. We just

have different how much we can get done in a day and be emotionally okay. Different people

have different bandwidth. And yours might be smaller than you think it should be. And you know,

you need to make it okay. Because we live in a culture that really glorifies being busy,

doing it all, not slowing down, hustle, hustle. You see people on social media. They have the

thriving career, the perfect relationship, amazing hobbies, lots of money. They're always traveling.

They're hosting dinner parties or training for marathons. And you think, why can't I do that? What's

wrong with me? That I can barely get through my day without collapsing, right? And it's all BS.

I need to tell you, I'm just telling you right now, it is so much BS. I have quite a few famous

people in my practice, people that, and I have for many years, you know, who many would be like,

that's the dream life. That is the only thing, you know, oh my god, they haven't made. They do not.

They do not. There is so much smoke in mirrors in this world.

Because the truth is, you don't know what's actually happening in those people's lives. You don't

know that they're not, you know, beating their kids or doing something that you don't know.

You think you know and you don't. You don't know if they have help that you don't have. You don't

know if they're one bad week away from their own shutdown. You don't know if they're secretly

struggling. And you know what? It doesn't even matter because you're not them. And it's okay.

There is research on individual differences and stress tolerance. There's a lot of it. And

it shows that people have vastly different capacities based on genetics,

early life experiences, current support systems, mental and physical health, accumulated stress

over time. So what's sustainable for someone else might be completely unsustainable for you.

And that's not a moral failing. You're not doing it wrong. You're not broken. It's just

friggin' reality. It's okay. It's sort of like being four foot ten and being like, you know what?

I'm probably not going to be a pro basketball player. It just is. It's not always, we seem to have

courtesy or grace for the physical stuff, you know, like that, but not the other stuff. And it's

wrong, not to. If you're regularly going into shutdown, one of the first questions you need to

ask yourself is am I trying to do more than my actual bandwidth allows? And my guess is yes.

So let me say how to reality check your bandwidth, okay? Make a list of everything you're

currently responsible for. Dump it. It's a brain dump. And I mean everything, your job, your

household tasks, your relationships, caregiving responsibilities, financial obligations, health

maintenance, everything. Write it all down. Then you can ask yourself, what am I doing out of

genuine desire and what am I doing out of obligation? And try to be honest, how much of your life

is spent on things you think you should do versus things you actually want to do? Then you're

going to say, what can come off my plate right now? I know, I know you're going to say nothing,

but that's not true. There's always something that can come off your plate. Can you lower your

your expectations a little bit for that clean house? Can you say no to a volunteer commitment?

Can you stop hosting every holiday? Can you delegate something at work? Can you ask for a

friggin help? Then I want you to look at what external structure or accountability might I add,

okay? Because that really helps. Sometimes shutdown happens because you're trying to do

everything alone with no external support. I argue with my son about this all the time.

Adding structure can actually help. Join a study group so you're forced to show up.

Schedule therapy appointments. Sign up for a workout class where people will notice if you're not

there. Sometimes you need external forcing functions to keep you engaged when that internal

motivation is gone. The goal isn't to do more. The goal is to align what you're doing with what

you can actually handle. If that means doing less than other people, so be it. You're not in

competition. Stop with the FOMO. You're trying to build a sustainable life. I feel like I'm yelling

at you. I'm sorry. It's Jewish mother love. Okay. Now I want to talk about how to prevent shutdown

in the first place because that would really be the goal, right? It's the hardest when you're already

there. It's the best way to deal with shutdown is to catch yourself before you get there. That's

what I'm trying to say. That means learning to recognize when you're getting overwhelmed and

taking action before your nervous system decides the only option is to turn off because that's what's

happening. We both know. If you think about it, you know that's what's happening. You go, go, go, go,

because you're so scared of the bed rot, you know, of the turn off of the laying like a vegetable

that you overdue, but the reason you have to go lay like a vegetable is because you're overdoing.

Otherwise, you could be more consistent. So I want you to think I'm going to give you three

preventative strategies that actually work. Strategy one is to build in regular

ventral vagal rest. So what do I mean? Don't wait until you're completely depleted to rest.

Schedule regular time for genuine rest. The kind where you feel calm, not collapsed. So again,

those walks in nature. I'm a city girl. I don't want to like the nature, but you know what I mean?

Being outside, time with a friend who makes you feel safe, a hobby you enjoy, sitting quietly

without your phone. Any of those things, research on stress and recovery. It so consistently shows

that regular pro-active rest is far more effective than reactive shutdown. You're teaching your

nervous system that rest is available before it has to force you into it. Strategy two.

Step boundaries before you're overwhelmed. A lot of shutdown happens because people don't set

boundaries until they're already past your limit. And by then, it feels like the only option is to

withdraw completely. So you know, you got to practice saying no earlier. You got to delegate tasks.

You have to ask for help. You have to stop your frigging people pleasing. Communicate your limits

before you hit them. This keeps you out of the zone where shutdown feels like the only escape.

Right? Get support. If you're regularly going into shutdown, that's a sign you need more

support than what you currently have. Again, it might mean therapy. It might mean honest

conversations with the people in your life about what you need. It might mean making bigger changes

to reduce chronic stress. You know, you can't regulate your nervous system alone.

If your environment is constantly dysregulating you, it doesn't work that way. So sometimes the

solution isn't more self-help techniques. It's changing your situation. It really works. It helps.

And if you, you know, I've got my boundaries made easy book. If you on there's a boundaries

made easier workbook, you know, if you really need to work on your boundaries, there's a lot of

free things on the website. Just put keyword in boundaries. If you don't have any money, do that.

If you want to have your handheld, get a book. You know, you really have to look at those boundaries.

Is what I want to say. So let me wrap up and then I'll talk about the free download and the

therapy to go bundled. But I want to wrap up, you know, bed rotting is not self-care. It's usually

that passive consumption, masquerading is rest. And sometimes it's your nervous systems really last

stitch effort to protect you from overwhelm by shutting you down. The keys that you have to know

the difference between recovery, passive rest, and shutdown. That's where you need to be.

And you can just ask yourself that question all the time. Recovery restores you. That's how you know.

Passive consumption numbs you. That's how you know. Shutdown protects you by turning you off

completely. And again, occasional shutdown is totally fine. It's probably your body's way of

forcing rest when you won't give it to yourself. But chronic shutdown keeps you stuck. And that's

what I don't want for you. And I think the good news is that once you understand what's happening,

you can start working with your nervous system. Instead of against it, you can learn to recognize

which state you're in. Use those small gentle tools. Wiggle those toes, hum. To help yourself come

back online when you're stuck. You can reality check your bandwidth and stop comparing yourself to

people who have different capacity than you. And most importantly, you can really start addressing

what's overwhelming you instead of just escaping from it. Let's make some changes to your life.

Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe. But safety doesn't always look like

staying in bed. Sometimes safety looks like taking action even when it's hard. Sometimes it looks

like asking for help, even when that's hard. Sometimes it looks like doing less so you can actually

sustain what matters. Right? So you need to tell the difference between recovery, passive consumption

and shutdown. Right? Again, recovery is active rest that restores you, walking, connecting,

meditating hobbies, passive consumption, scrolling, binge watching, feels like rest, but it doesn't

restore you. Shutdown is that numb, heavy, can't move avoiding. Okay? I'm repeating this at the end,

so you really get it. When you notice you're in shutdown, start with those smallest movement,

wiggle your toes, stretch, ground yourself, you know, using one of the grounding techniques,

use your voice, hum, talk out loud, sing, get vertical, sit up, stand, walk to another room,

try to name what you're avoiding without trying to solve it. Just try to name it. And then

really, reality, check your bandwidth. Are you trying to do more than you can actually handle?

And I really want you to start, you got to prevent shutdown. You have to schedule regular recovery

time, not passive, not that passive consumption, actual restoration. Yeah, to set boundaries

early, not after you're overwhelmed. You have to stop comparing your bandwidth to other people.

You maybe have to take things off your plate that are obligation, not genuine desire. And,

you know, you probably have to add some external structure and accountability,

get some support, have honest conversations, you know, maybe make some environmental changes.

All right? Okay. So if you want to dive deeper into understanding your nervous system and why

you're feeling this way, again, download the free guide on nervous system regulation,

find it again under the video or on the website. It's really going to help you understand

what's really happening in your body and give you those practical tools to start feeling better.

And if you're ready to really tackle this, I have this therapy to go bundle specifically

for breaking out of shutdown mode and rebuilding energy. You're going to get worksheets to

identify your specific triggers, step-by-step action plan for kind of that gentle reengagement.

Exercises to regulate your nervous system without overwhelming yourself, right?

There's also a guided visualization as part of this one. And it's just $10. It's 10 bucks.

And you also can find that again below the video on the website. And it includes the free download.

So if you're sure, like, I just need to do more, you don't have to download twice. If you just

get that, you'll get everything. But it's really everything you need to start making real changes

today. It's really kind of me holding your hand through it. So there you go. All right,

that's it. I know that was a lot. Thank you for hanging out. I know I gave you a lot of information,

but I really want you to get out of this. I really want you to notice what's helping you and what's

not and have very practical tools to change. All right. Have an amazing week and I'll talk to you

real soon. Thank you for spending time with me today. If you're loving what you're learning here,

come join my one love collective. It's my private community where we take these conversations

even deeper. You'll get a ton of bonus content, live Q&As with me, guided visualizations,

journaling prompts, scripts, and an incredible community of like-minded people ready to support you

as you create more ease and joy in all your relationships. It's all waiting for you at

AbbieMedCaf.com or right on Substack. I'll see you next week.

Hey, this is Paige Desorbo from Giggly Squad and today I want to talk to you about Boost Mobile.

Quick question, why are we letting our phone bills bully us? Here's a money tip. Stop paying a

carrier tax. When you bring your own phone and switch to Boost Mobile's $25 unlimited forever plan,

you can unlock up to $600 in savings. That's real life money, not money trapped in a pricey

phone bill. $600 is a trip, a shopping spree, or paying something off. Your money belongs in your

life. You get unlimited data, talk, and tax for $25 a month with no contracts and no minimum

line requirement. Your phone, your rules, had to boostmobile.com to switch today and unlock the

savings you actually deserve. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience lower speed.

Customers pay $25 per month while active on Boost Mobile unlimited plan. Savings claim based

on a January 2026 Boost Mobile Survey comparing average annual payments of major carrier customers

to 12 months on the Boost Mobile unlimited plan. Visit BoostMobile.com for details.