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And the transcript WARNING if you're a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry - you have been warned - is it an 'ism
#477 Don't Blame Your Parents Or Anyone Else
. So we're back with the longer deeper dive from the FMQ. Who or what is to blame for your failure? Do you remember that one? Remember those excuses? The excuses? Oh, it was the weather.
Look, I can't do it because the weather's not right. I have to wait for the summer. I have to wait for the winter.
The economics, well, you know, it's not quite right at the moment. You know? Or, well, if it wasn't for them, because they didn't accept me, they didn't support me, you know, and then we get that belief, which is, I'm not good enough. I don't belong here.
It's just all excuses, isn't it? Well, we think they're reasons, don't we? We think they're reasons, bloody good reasons why we haven't succeeded. This is blame, isn't it? We're blaming somebody else or something else. Maybe we're, we're blaming, well, that trauma I experienced when I was younger.
That's given me all these other isms. Because you get isms, don't you? Everyone has an ism these days. And they, I'm sure they were about a long time ago, but it didn't seem to be an excuse then.
People got on. They dealt with things. They took responsibility.
We'll go there later. We even blame our parents, don't we? They didn't support me. They didn't guide me.
They weren't there for me. I've even got a thing that I used to blame. It was an ex-boss of mine.
And he was a mentor. He was a superb guy when I was a fledgling in my first career. And he supported me.
He did everything for me. Until one day. Until one day, he didn't.
And he did it quite publicly. And to the point where I had to leave that company. And he didn't bat an eyelid.
So I thought, anyway, so I thought, in my mind, God, why did you do that? I needed your help. I could have stayed. I could have done something if you'd have been there.
So it's your fault. And I harboured that resentment. Because I lost a bit of confidence.
I lost a lot of confidence. And I thought, you're to blame. I never used to be like that.
Now I am. That's gone, by the way. Because I did some work.
We did one of the processes, and I did promise you two. Two processes, and that's what you're going to get today, in this episode. And one of the processes is to let go of that connection with somebody.
Somebody who you're blaming, or you feel is to blame. Or you use an excuse to blame. I did for a little while.
And then I did this particular process we're going to do. And if I met him now, it would be cool. I'd be okay.
And he'd be okay. And you see, it's all about, are we living at the effect side of life? Because it's cause and effect. And each one I've told you is an effect.
We're giving what we think are reasons, and in fact, they're excuses. Now we have a real issue here. You see, one of the questions just below the conscious level is maybe the question that you don't like to answer.
And what is it? Well, if I stop blaming dot dot dot dot dot, what happens to my story? You know, what happens? Because it's a story I've been telling myself for so long. And if that goes, I'll tell you. We're going to go through the answers, but I'll tell you, you're going to feel absolutely brilliant when it goes.
Your story will be your true story. The real you, the empowered you, because that's where we're going. Empowerment, which seems really grand, but it is when it feels that good.
So at the moment, if you feel like this, it's like it happened to me. This happened to me. It's a story I'm telling again.
They did this. Another story we're telling. Because of X, I can't do that.
Cause and effect. They're all causes, aren't they? And effect. But the real thing is, you're not a victim.
You're not. And that's victimhood, if that's a word. We're just sitting in that victim little mentality and blaming the past, blaming the people, blaming everything.
It's all because, because, because, because. And we're going to change that. There will be a shift.
Now this is a covert bit, but I'm going to tell you it because it's now overt. This is a shift I want to make. I want you to be able to say, this happened to me.
It did happen. Past tense. But I learnt.
And I've learnt this. And this is how I'm using it. I want you to be able to say, that shaped me to the person I am now.
It doesn't define me. I define me. I do that.
I've got my dreams, my goals, my values. I have my positive, supportive beliefs. I define me.
But I learn from the past. I learn from my experiences. I create me.
I build me. And at the bottom of that is, I choose. I choose how I want to be.
I choose the steps I make. I choose my opportunities. I create them.
Massive shift there. But all it takes is a little, little bit of refinement. That's it.
Now, we said two processes. I'm just letting that sink in just a little bit. Because consciously, you might be thinking about it.
But unconsciously, that's going in. Unconsciously, it's being seen as, oh, that's so much more powerful. Oh, that's so much more safer than living on the effect, the victim side.
When we take control. When we access all the resources we've got. All the learnings we've got.
We become safe. Because if you think about it, every excuse you give doesn't feel safe, does it? Because just one little thing. If you're blaming other people for where you are now, you're accepting that you have to wait for them to change before you can change.
That's bollocks. We acknowledge it. We acknowledge it happened.
We're learning from it. It shaped me. But now I get to do this, because I've learned.
So what did I do with that old boss of mine? A little process. And it worked so wonderfully well. And you can do it too.
You can do it too. And you can do it with me now, because we're going to do it now. So you don't have to do this eyes closed.
When I did it with him, and I also did it with a, I did this, I do it a number of times, but two examples. One, I did it with him because he was dragging me down. And I did it with a real good friend of mine.
And we were in business together. And I was going to change my direction in the business. And I didn't think we could let go of each other.
So we allowed, or I allowed this process to let go of him and send him on his way, safe and sound. So it can be done for, call it for the good, and letting go of the heaviness and the stuff that you want to let go. So it's a wonderful process.
It's not just for the negativity or negative side of your life. It can be done for positive. It's a great process.
And what I did was, now, I'll explain it first, and then we'll do it together, if it's okay. So you might want to find a place where you can be, or will be undisturbed. So you can close your eyes, you don't have to on this one, because it's just, it's like a visualisation and imagining somebody in front of you.
And as you imagine them in front of you, you'll notice how you're connected. Some people see it as a beam of light. Some people see it as a little thread.
Some people see it as like an umbilical cord. I see it differently for both of those. For the guy I was letting go to do his own thing and me to do my own thing, I saw quite a few different connections, like little beam of lights coming from my body to his in different places.
For the other one, the one, the ex-boss, I wanted to let go of that resentment, that hurt, that blame. I just saw a little thread. I've been dragging him around.
So here's what I want you to do. Find that safe place. Find that safe place where you'll be undisturbed for only about three or four minutes.
If you have to wait, pause, pause this and then get into that place. But just anywhere will do. If you want to close your eyes, you can.
You can do it sitting down or standing up. I didn't mind standing up because I just, for me, that's the way I like to do it. But anywhere is perfect for you.
And then I want you to imagine that person standing in front of you, maybe a couple of meters away, just in front of you. And there they are. If you want, you can pass on a thanks for the good things, things that you respected.
For the boss, there were things he did for me when he was my mentor and I thanked him. I had so much gratitude for the opportunity he gave me and how he taught. Similarly to my colleague, of the way we worked, the way he supported me, gave me opportunity.
And I thank them both. But we're doing one person at a time. And as you do that, just imagine or bring to mind, how you see that connection with them.
Is it little beams of light coming from your body to theirs? Is it a very thin, like gossamer steel thread? Maybe it's a rope, maybe it's an umbilical cord. Whatever it is, it's fine. Just imagine seeing yourself connected to you, to them and giving that thanks.
You can maybe just begin to feel. If it's a negative emotion beginning to disappear, dissolve. You know, we're neutralizing that resentment and reclaiming our personal power.
If it's with somebody that you're just letting go in your life and think of like a past partner, you can just thank them and then feel that personal power coming back. Just notice everything and you maybe just ask yourself, for your unconscious mind to ask itself, what did I, what can I learn from this connection to make me stronger? And one thing we could just realize, that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they can access right now. They're not their behaviors, that's not the person.
Because behind every positive, every behavior is a positive intention. They're doing the best they can for themselves with the resources that they're being able to access at the moment. Maybe they were suffering from anxiety, depression, you don't know.
Maybe there was problems elsewhere that you didn't know about. They were doing the best they can, they're not their behaviors. So maybe as that slips into your unconscious mind as another resource, you can just thank them for the lessons learned.
And as you do that, imagine in your hand is like a metaphorical knife, some people think of it as a sword or maybe just a pair of scissors and just cut that cord or dim those lights and turn them off and allow them to disappear into the past where they belong. That's right. Dissolving all the emotional residue.
Letting it go. Knowing that in the future if you met them again you would meet them clean with this inner power, this inner strength and all the learnings. Because you'd be in charge of you.
And when you've done that, take a wonderful deep breath and open your eyes and come back to me and notice how you feel. Notice how you feel. For me it was really weird.
I seemed with my boss to understand what he was going through even though I didn't really know consciously. But I could imagine things I'd forgotten because that blame, that resentment was in the forefront of my mind and as soon as that peeled away, disappeared like a fog just blowing away, I could see clearly. I felt I could see clearly and that was so good.
With my colleague who I was letting go to continue his business while I did a different business, this type of stuff, I felt a lightness. A lightness that it was okay. It was like giving myself permission to do the things that I wanted to do.
I wasn't being held back and it was okay. It was okay. I was on another step of my adventure, my journey.
I don't like the word journey but it was my adventure to a new life, a new part of my life, another step in another part, another chapter of my book as it were, my own personal book of my life. So just let that sink in and sometimes you can maybe let it go for a day or two and then just notice how you feel the next day. Just check in.
When you bring that person to mind, just bring them to mind and picture in your mind and go, how do I feel now? Ah okay and then you can just let it go. So there's that one. It's a lovely little process and you can, because it's so simple and in simplicity, there's genius.
If you wanted to you could spend a little longer doing it but quite honestly you don't need to. It's really just recognising, acknowledging, thanking, getting your unconscious mind to learn and then letting go. But you can replay that whenever you want and what I'll probably be doing is I'll be doing this as a separate track for my hypnosis page.
So it'll be complimentary hypnosis where you can spend a bit longer and go into a deeper state if that's what you feel like. If you feel you need that deeper state and you get that deeper unconscious knowing, then I'll be doing that I think. But I'll let you know.
But you don't need it if you don't need it but if you do, I think it'll be available. So there you go, that was process number one. So what's process number two Cloughie, you might say? Well, it's our parents isn't it? Sometimes we blame our parents and we blame them for the expectations we had as a child I think.
That was for me. I had what I thought was the dream that I wanted to do and I didn't feel supported. I didn't feel that I was given the right advice.
In fact I feel, I feel, I can't remember specifically but I felt I was told you'll never make it. It's too difficult. Don't do that.
Go for the safe and the steady. Now I can understand that now. I can understand why that advice was particular to them because I've given that type of advice to my children and I'm thinking oh really Cloughie? Can I add to it now? And that's what I do.
I give them two sides of the of this of what I think might be the story they they need to take and then they can develop it and they do. But sometimes you know we think of our family members that are not supporting us you know maybe we've inherited their narratives. their beliefs, their unmet expectations, because sometimes parents like to live through their children, don't they? And sometimes we take all of that on as an identity. And when you think about it, that was your parents doing the best they could with the resources they could access. They were doing the best they could with their connections to their parents, your grandparents, and even their going back and back.
Where did those beliefs come from? Generations ago, they've all been just evolved a little bit, but sometimes those were different circumstances in the world. That belief supported them back then, but now it's not yours. But you took it on as a sponge.
So you're responsible in some ways, even though you were a tiny little child. You took it on as a sponge because you just loved your parents. They were the only people that you would take that information from uncritically, because that's what we were when we were that young.
But even as we grew older a little bit, they were doing the best they can. That was not their behaviour. Who they were as an identity level was not their behaviour.
That's the bit you saw. They were always doing the best they can with a wonderful positive intention, but sometimes it wasn't right for you. So how are we going to let go of that? How are we going to let go of that? Now, you might need a tissue.
I've done this a couple of times and we needed tissues, but you don't necessarily need them. It's not bad tissues. It's just tears of joy normally.
Tears of joy. All we're going to do is visualise parents individually. Again, maybe there's a certain parent that you attribute a little bit more blame, unsupportiveness, wasn't there for you maybe, and you hold that at the unconscious level maybe, or you wish it was different.
So pick that one. And here's what we're going to do. I want you to again, find a safe space, a place where you'll be undisturbed.
And it's adding on again. Take three, four, five minutes. And again, you can do it standing, sitting, lying, you can do this one in any position you like.
So all I want you to do is take a deep breath. And as you let it go, maybe allow your eyes to close because this one you can really focus in on now. Because this isn't about letting go.
It's about noticing, noticing something special. So as you breathe gently and easily, you can feel yourself getting more and more comfortable. And as you become more and more comfortable with every breath, just imagine in front of you and below you, just over there, a stage, a little stage in front of you and below you.
And on that stage, in a moment, we're going to have that parent come onto that stage. But not as they are now, not as they are in your mind, your memories maybe. But I want you to see them in a moment as a two year old, maybe even younger, no more than two year old, maybe a one year old, maybe as a little baby.
So imagine now inviting them to come onto that stage over there below you and in front of you. As a child, an innocent child, that's who they are. Innocent, waiting to learn from the world just as you were.
Waiting with all those wonderful expectations that they weren't really aware of, the whole life ahead of them, full of just love. Accepting love, giving love, pure innocence. And see that for, or see them for what they were then.
Just an innocent little child, waiting to go on their adventure, to go through their experiences, to form their own beliefs, whatever they are there. They're just waiting for it to happen now. And just notice that how you feel for them now, at that age.
Pure love, pure innocence. No expectations now. No blame.
How can you blame an innocent child? And allow that to go deep into your unconscious mind. Because that's a memory. It isn't yours.
It's theirs. But we all started this way. And in some ways, we, well, we chose our own path.
Doing the best we can, with the resources available to us. Sometimes experiences were not dumped on, but had to be gone through. Because that was their past and their future.
Doing the best they can, learning as best they can. Maybe they didn't have the opportunities as they grew up, as you have now, to be able to learn through processes like this. And maybe you can now feel this connection with them.
The innocence, the love. And maybe just ask yourself, I wonder what I can learn from this. And how can I use that learnings in the future? To grow.
To be me. To choose my life. Knowing this.
Because they had their own limitations. But that's not you. And you have all the resources that you need to create the life that you want.
That is here for you. That you deserve. And you deserve even more than you can imagine.
Because whatever you think you are, you're more. And when you think of that, you're even more than that too. So maybe you can just look to the future.
And wonder what new opportunities will come to you now. With this new learning. With this new perspective.
What would a wise mentor tell you now of how you can use this and create the life you want? How will it empower you? And just let that settle in for a moment. Maybe consciously it's a blank. Maybe consciously you're getting a picture.
A word, a feeling, an emotion. But just send your thanks to that beautiful child over there. And as you send your thanks and gratitude.
Acknowledging all they ever did and went through. Allow them to disappear. Into wherever they need to go.
Wishing them well. Sending them love. And just for a moment.
Just be you. Where is your centre? Where is your centre? Put your mind into your centre. Of who you really are.
And maybe you can now connect to that wonderful positive belief about you. I get to do this. I get to choose.
I deserve this. I'm going to make it happen. And then with a wonderful, wonderful in-breath.
Open your eyes. And we're back where we want to be. Now, when you're back.
When you are back. You can maybe want to take a moment or two. Maybe a little bit later when you've got some quiet time, you might make a few notes of what your intuitions are.
Maybe you can think about, well, what did you need back then that you didn't get? What didn't you get? Maybe you didn't get the support. Maybe you didn't get quite the love you wanted. Maybe you didn't get X, Y, Z. You fill in the blank.
And say to yourself, I give that to me now. I give me love. I give me support.
I give me whatever I need. Because you're now you. The real you.
The you that makes decisions. The you that wants to create the life you dream of, you desire, you want. And now you can.
And I suggest putting all this on paper. What now comes to mind of new opportunities, new dreams, new goals? Because now you are clearer and take the opportunity to really quickly as this all integrates and you then access all the stuff that's going on and be able to act upon it. Create your plans, your goals, your dreams, knowing that you're freer, you're lighter, you're not dragging around stuff.
You're no longer blaming because you're empowered. You're back at cause. I get to do this.
I get to decide. It's me, no bugger else. I can learn what I need to learn.
I've got a lot of learnings, a lot of resources, but I can also learn more. I can find more resources. I can find mentors.
I can find help through podcasts like this, films, books, so many resources available to you. You can do whatever you like, as long as you know the direction you want to go. Maybe you don't know exactly what you want as in a 20-20 vision goal, but if you can get that feeling, the feeling that you'd want to achieve when you're really succeeding in the way that you want to succeed, whatever success is for you, your dreams, your goals, how you want to be.
Get that feeling and I believe you'll begin to see the opportunities which will give you that. You'll begin to have opportunities to learn the things that will allow you to get there quicker, faster, bigger, brighter. And if you can bring other people along with you, absolutely fucking awesome.
Mental people share what you've learned and you can do that in so many different ways. You can say this is what I learned. Tell them as a story.
Give them advice if they need it. Advice given is this is what I do is better than this is what you should do. This is how I have done it in the past.
Give them examples of the story. Be that living example of what's possible. Be the you that you want to see in the world.
Selfless service. So when you do that and you expect nothing in return, guess what? You get a dump load of bloody good stuff. The law of reciprocation.
That's what happens. It's awesome. All for doing the good stuff and really striving to fulfill being the real you.
That version of you. That ultimate vision of you. Striving to get there.
It'll always change by the way because it always gets a little bit further away because you're getting closer and it wants to get even better. So it's a wonderful adventure and journal it. Journal your results, your thoughts and you'll be absolutely amazed of the progress.
So when you look back and you go last month I did this. Oh a year ago. Bloody hell.
You'll realise how far you've come because you never realise it at the time. But you look back over a few months, six months, a year and you can go wow I can't realise. I never knew how far I've come.
And then you can look to the future and then start making even more plans. And some of those plans will maybe give you a little bit of a ooh. And that's what I want to hear from you.
I want to hear the things that give you that little ah. Because then if you let me know what they are, we can come up with wonderful simple little processes like these to allow you to get even further. Because you've got all the wherewithal that you need.
Sometimes we just need a little bit of guidance and that's all it is. You drive the bus but sometimes you need a little sat nav to make sure you go around the obstacles. Yeah.
Have a think. How do you get in touch? Feedback at personaldevelopmentunplugged.com That's the email address. It's the only bugger here.
Everything is confidential. You get a personal reply. But also if we talk about it on the podcast as you've seen, no one has ever been mentioned here.
By name. Because it's all about how can we share and how can we learn even more. And talking about sharing, please share this to anybody.
Anybody that you know that just may be, you know, maybe dragging something emotionally, negatively emotional with them. It's all baggage. They call it, you know, I've got my baggage.
Yeah, we'll put it down and walk away. Once you've learned from it. So do that.
Press subscribe. So you get those seeded, I call them seeded FMQs now. The FMQ that seeds into the longer, longer podcast.
Get you to think about something. And then when we come here, you're already there without even noticing or knowing that you're ready to go. We've sown the seed and then we're going to water it and nurture it and move on.
So please share. Have more fun than you can ever, ever imagine. And sometimes you can be surprised.
Surprised, yeah. By feeling happy for no reason. And when you do, you go, Cloughie, you got me.
You go fly, my friend. Warning. You are now leaving the unplugged mind of Paul Clough.
It's time to fly. Be brave, my friend. Personal Development Unplugged.
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