#521 - Subversive Regional, Call Roger Bannister and All At Sea in a Brandscape

On Wednesday, I walked to my wife's busy who appeared even more thoughtful than usual.

I asked her what was wrong and I received the following reply.

I dreamt you cheated on me last night.

Rubbing sleep out of my eyes, I began to reassure her, of course, but I could see that she

was desperate to tell me more details.

After you told me I was very upset, Alice, but I could only think of one thing to say.

I shucked at you in the kitchen.

Just answer me one question.

This woman.

Is she Welsh?

When you replied that she was, I screamed, then you got to live your dream.

This is Rochtis as a family, because I now realise that regardless of age, background looks

at relationship status, Izzy sees all Welsh women as a threat.

So I got me thinking, I haven't had a Welsh girlfriend for over 20 years.

I haven't had a Welsh speaking girlfriend for a quarter of a century.

How would me living my dream have impacted on world culture?

I, of course, would be Brennan, Padle diade, Camry, the king of Welsh podcasts, and my

sterling work on Roger Camry, presenting the breakfast afternoon and drive-time shows

would have seen the honours of Druid and the Nationalist's south-fod.

However, the ultimate distinction would be when I was given a ceremonial sheriff's glove

by the mayor of my hometown of Camarvan, which would allow me to commit white collar

crime between the hours of 9 and 5pm on a weekday, as long as the profits were shared

with local bishops.

But what of Dave in this sliding doors thought experiment?

What would have happened to Dave if we'd never met all of those years ago,

because I was living in Wales rather than London, and committed to Roger Camry's supposed

to radio ex?

Dave, of course, would now be producing drive-time on capital radio Manchester,

getting listeners revved up as they sit in traffic, and constantly energising as audience

for the weekend from 4pm on Monday until 7pm on Friday night.

I feel like that's a network from London now, actually.

Oh, that's already Dave.

With Dave at the helm, there should be a constant stream of giveaways, roll-over prices,

and competitions, and bosses would turn a blind eye to the fact that all of his best ideas

come after he does 11 desperados and pounded his nose.

Hanna, of course, would have left him.

But what of John?

What if we had met, because rather than trying English-language stand-up in 2005, I'd been

building a lovnest in West Wales?

Well, having been lucky enough to read his wonderful, awe-inspiring memoir first, I can

only conclude that John would be dead.

LAUGHTER

Dennis Adorno!

It's a great book, can I love the wisdom on every page, but he would be dead, dead, dead,

dead and mega-dent!

LAUGHTER

What a lost, a global culture.

Without me as valuable ballast, nobody would have seen his pivot from hungover boo-hoo

my bird has left me commeding in broadcaster to sober as a judgmental health grifter.

LAUGHTER

Oh my god!

It's like I've come out of retirement to fight Klitschko.

Right, he moses.

I'm 50 years old.

Unless what a belt in the 80s.

And so it just leaves me to say to Izzy, I love you very much, I'm happy with the life

I've chosen.

And here I say it, so I take the jump.

I don't know that you sound pretty happy with this alternate universe.

Yeah, I know, I suppose it does sound quite good, actually.

Well, the bit that surprised me the most, because when Izzy found out she was Welsh,

my mother-girl, I cheated on her within the dream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought that was then going to lead to Izzy hitting the roof, but what Izzy's response was,

you must live your dream.

No, no, no, no, so you get to live your dream and try to do business.

Oh, there's venom.

Right, sorry.

There was venom there.

Oh, I thought that was her setting you free.

No, no, she wasn't setting me free.

Right.

She was hungry, she was willing to fight for me.

But she was like, ah, I always saw this coming.

Yeah, this was all right, this was around the corner.

All this was always in the post.

Well, it does suggest frustration on Izzy's behalf that she doesn't get to live her dream.

What?

Which begs the question, what's Izzy's dream?

Yeah, a sort of humble Darbyshire Yolma.

Yes.

A sort of farmer from Matlock, he's got a saith, who's still farms in the traditional way.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, it was very funny.

Just answer me one question.

That was good.

Yes, she Welsh.

And those are hints of it's a wonderful life about John's life without Alice in it.

Yeah.

A panel of parallel lives.

Yeah.

Things sliding doors.

Very interesting.

It's a very interesting idea, isn't it?

Did the term sliding doors moment exist before the film?

Yes.

Good.

And I knew that.

And I said that because I just wanted to just sew that out.

Yeah, the film is titled because of the fact.

Yes, I knew that.

Is it?

I might be.

I won't be.

You know, Darbyshire.

Maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know.

Well, I do.

Two laptops are open.

I've never heard that term before the film.

Wow.

No way.

I've often.

If it was a game from the blooming film.

Yes.

And I knew that.

And that's why I asked it.

That has rocked me.

Directive.

Same with Jurassic Park.

What?

That came from the film.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No one said Jurassic Park before.

No, that's true.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

And because I don't think I've seen the film.

It can't be.

It's actually had a genuine impact on the English language.

That's huge.

I must admit that that has surprised me.

I thought the film was made because sliding doors moments were a thing before.

It was a great.

It was a good film.

Oh, is it?

Aqua on the soundtrack.

You're not semi-intimidif.

No, they actually had a very heartfelt song called Turn Back Time.

So immediately you think of Aqua and you think of Barbie Girl.

Come on, Barbie, let's go party.

First thing I thought of.

Yeah, of course.

I actually could share.

Yes.

If I could turn back time.

Yeah.

She's a different song.

That big gun.

Yeah.

But Aqua actually wrote a very nice song called If I Could Turn Back Time.

A little.

A little.

Ah, probably that's a Josh's podcast.

But.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gwyneth Paltrow, John Hanna, John Lynch and Jan Triple Horn.

1998.

There you go.

Well, there we go.

Anyway, how are you, John?

Fine.

Good, good, good, good, good.

I wrote down.

I started keeping thoughts on a note on my iPhone.

What do you mean by thoughts?

I thought, if ever you ask me what I'm doing and I can't tell you what I'm doing.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Yeah.

So.

You go one or two ways.

John's thought.

Is it a good, is it nice document to have?

Yeah.

Everyone living in the developed West.

Right.

Here we go.

The majority.

If you've been listening to the news agents.

No.

The majority.

I love the way they introduced themselves.

It's Emily.

It's John.

It's Louis.

So let's just say this is an open forum discussion show, late review style.

Yeah.

One of us is smoking.

Of course.

Yeah.

The majority of people living in the developed West.

Yeah.

Have a better quality of life than any monarch up to Elizabeth II in the 80s.

80s.

1980s.

Yeah.

I don't think.

Any monarch.

Well, a monarch in the 1970s.

The King of Denmark had a worse quality of life.

He didn't have Wi-Fi.

No.

He didn't have an air fryer.

Yeah.

Flaxseed.

He didn't have a cordless vacuum.

This isn't.

This is interesting.

There are lots of metrics, I think, by which life would be worse.

We're more obese as a society, for instance, although healthcare is obviously improved.

Exactly.

If you think about it in the terms of like your day-to-day existence, Henry VIII.

Yes.

I mean, he didn't have paracetamol.

No.

His body rotted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can have traitors.

You didn't have traitors.

Wait, didn't I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, you could have an enormous chest of gold in your room.

Yeah.

But he's not got a doofay.

No.

He's not got a running hot water.

He'd have had a blanket and he'd have had people getting him hot water.

He wouldn't have had blankets.

He'd have lots of hides.

No, he'd have had knitted blankets in the 1500s.

I understand why we've got a better value, a better quality of life than Henry VIII.

I think the 80s is interesting.

More incidents of depression and dimension of than in the 70s and 80s.

Yeah, I mean, we are living longer.

It doesn't have to be the 80s.

It could be the 70s.

It doesn't matter.

It's a movable feast.

It's not a feast.

No, let's just say that a 10-year margin of error.

My point being.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very recent.

Go back to King Harold.

Oh, yeah.

Queen Elizabeth II.

Wooden teeth and constant pain.

An excellent flowing down the street.

Yeah, dead cats in the street.

Elizabeth I.

Coffee was disgusted, man, as well.

That's interesting.

Potentially the richest person on earth, most powerful person on earth,

didn't have as good a quality of life as the majority of people in the developed West.

Pain.

In the thought experiment.

Oh, yes.

You've been up to with your weak, and you've been playing with that.

You've got the fridge.

Yeah.

You should have antibiotics.

Yes.

You shouldn't have Coke.

The kinds of Coke.

The pain relief would have been.

Or meal deals.

Or meal deals.

Or Tetris.

Or yoghurt.

Hundreds of years before they had yoghurt.

But it wouldn't have cats as long.

They're butter, but not spread.

Yes.

Ah, prefer that anyway.

No, my might.

Pepper was more expensive than gold by weight.

Was it?

Yeah.

But she could afford it.

She could afford it, yes.

Yes.

It's an interesting conversation.

But I wish I'd prepared for more.

But yes, what made you think that then?

Well, I was thinking of reasons to be grateful.

Because I do my sort of gratitude experiments.

Oh, yeah.

And you know, often my list eyes things like sewerage.

Like we're very true.

No, no, no.

Because I tell you one thing.

Take it away from people.

Oh, my word.

Take it away for a day.

In less than 10 seconds, there's going to be complaints.

Yeah.

It's like when your toilet breaks.

Yeah.

A house without a toilet is a very different place.

Yeah.

So let's say very lucky today in 2026,

to live in houses where you don't live very close to your effluent.

Yeah.

You know, that's a huge measure of.

Unless it's a choice you've made.

Yeah.

Like having access to education.

Yeah.

You know, having access to a GP.

Yeah.

No matter how like fraught that experience can be.

Yeah.

And judging by the amount of ways they want to test.

How you can book a GP.

It can be quite fraught.

Yeah.

My heat pad that I sometimes lie on on my feet.

My feet are cold.

Oh, my back is bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes.

You know, I was thinking about people running marathons in the 20s.

Yeah.

They're essentially doing it in dApps.

Yeah.

There's a guy who walked the perimeter of Australia.

The first person to do it took him three and a half years.

When?

It was in 1920.

Oh, wow.

I think this is the 100 year anniversary.

Right.

Okay.

He's wearing like shoes you would wear to a job interview.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he walked 10,000 miles.

Yeah.

So I was in the new balance shop on Oxford Street the other day.

And they...

And I was in the ASICS shop.

And I read Ben, I went into the anti-dust shop.

And then I went into the night shop.

And then I went into the...

Sorcony shop.

And then I went into JD Sport and Sports Direct and Liddy White.

And then you hated them all because new balance is the way to go.

But they had a...

They had a trainer that was worn...

Like the 1968 Olympics or something for a marathon in the...

In a glass case.

I thought I wouldn't run 100 meters in that.

Not a carbon plate inside.

No.

No form or anything.

No.

So as I was compiling one of these daily lists, you know, shower,

I can jump in the shower.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's hot or cold or in the middle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Henry VIII didn't have a flushing toilet.

Henry VIII didn't have a shower.

Well, he had a keeper of the stool.

He didn't have an electric blanket.

He didn't have a fridge.

He didn't have an air fryer.

He didn't have gas hops.

Not his concern.

No, but think of...

Other people would have been trying to solve those problems on his...

He didn't have someone to recreate an air fryer.

He would have had someone to roast his fessant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was the keeper of the stool?

Well, those to look at his stool, Steve.

Yeah.

Isn't it toilets?

Yeah.

To assess his health and things.

Oh.

Yeah, it's not a great job.

No.

So even if your Henry VIII...

Yeah.

You've got probably the equivalent of billions of pounds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You own half of Europe or something.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I tend to zone out of that period of history.

Yeah, yeah.

Six wives.

Six wives.

If you say the king...

Which sounds like too many.

The king wants a bath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've got a heat a copper bath over a fire.

It's still going to take an hour.

Yes.

So I...

It was just a way of feeling lucky.

But then it made me think,

well, what monarch would we have to get to?

At the which point of their sort of quality of life on balance

was better than mine.

And I opted for Elizabeth II in the 80s.

Oh, so this is your opinion.

Yeah, yeah.

What did you think it was?

I thought you'd read an article.

No, this is just a thought experiment.

Elizabeth II in the 50s,

I would have had flushing toilets,

should have had hot water,

there'd have been an immersion heater of some sort

of fucking a palace.

Yes.

She definitely could have had a bath in a shower.

Yeah.

Like that.

No internet.

No internet, but you can argue.

No boggle app.

No boggle, but you can argue that the internet

is as much of a forceful way for the rest of the day.

It's good.

Yeah, but if I want to find out how much the car bloed

before a marathon, I can Google it in seconds.

I don't have to ask one of my courteers to a library.

To go to a library or find the...

Or call Roger Bannister.

Or call Roger Bannister.

Who would be round very quick in fairytale.

Yes.

I mean, all of human knowledge

at your fingertips is pretty good.

But she still would have been able to find out that stuff.

Would it take a longer?

Yes.

She wouldn't have had a car with air conditioning.

No.

That is true.

But I suppose also it's all relative

to the expectations that you have.

So they don't know any of that.

They don't know any difference.

Yeah, I know.

And then this is maybe why I need to remind myself

to be grateful of these things,

because we can take them for granted.

Yeah.

But you know, it's pretty cool in a...

You know, I've got quite a small house.

To be three feet from a fridge,

six steps from a hot shower,

six steps from a toilet,

eight steps from electric blanket,

half a mile from antibiotics

if I can get a blim in appointment.

Yeah.

You know, antibies are great.

Pain relief is the big one for me.

I mean, imagine I'm in Tothic

in 150 years ago.

I mean, we had freezer sections

in supermarket scoring up,

but there was no chilled aisle.

What was it not?

There wasn't a chilled aisle in Safeway in the 80s.

I think that's stiff bean.

Actually, where did they keep the milk?

Yeah.

Anyway, you see my point.

So that's my thoughts.

Well, good.

And did I perk you up?

Yeah, it did actually.

Well, brilliant.

Then it's working then, well done.

That's good.

Yeah.

Another one was a fact I saw on a podcast

from a neurologist,

a neuroscientist, sorry,

who said,

if they invented alcohol today,

it would be banned in a class A drug, yeah.

Do you know what the legal safe amount

would be in terms of like food standards and danger?

Oh, no.

It's going to be some tiny amount,

like less than a shot of, you know, whiskey or something.

Do you know what it is, Dave?

Do you guess?

25 mil.

Per...

I don't know.

It's half a glass of wine a year.

Because of its carcinogenic properties

and all of the damage it does.

Isn't that not so?

Half a glass of wine.

Half a glass of wine per annum.

Per annum.

Okay.

Is the safe limit.

That is shocking.

Yeah, it is.

Whoa.

So those are the two things on my thoughts.

Yeah.

And I'll keep that going.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe show them to us before.

And I'll act surprised.

Half a glass of wine a year per annum.

What's the point at that point?

Oh, mate.

Can you imagine if you only had a half a glass of wine a year?

When would the throat spin cut?

When would you...

When would you have it?

First day of the day.

First day of the day.

I wouldn't have it.

Well, no, you wouldn't have your eye.

I'd go, mate.

What's the point?

At that point.

Oh, mate.

Can you imagine if you only had a half a glass of wine a year?

When would the throat spin cut?

When would you...

When would you have your eye?

You'd go, mate.

Yeah, you would go, mate.

Wondering at what point in the year you have that half a glass of wine.

Was that 62.25ml?

It was basically a double and a half shot of wine.

Yeah.

You could...

You could maybe divide it into three.

And you could have one winter sauce dish, one summer sauce dish, and one, I don't know.

What a third of a half of wine.

What's that?

How are we talking about?

2021.81ml of wine.

That is less than a shot.

Every third.

What a harvest.

What a summer solstice and one at Cron Christmas Day.

Blooming heck.

Okay.

I think we're going to put people off drinking.

Well, no, because that makes them think, God, I'm glad I'm allowed to drink more than half a glass of wine a year.

Obviously, our goals got terrible health implications, but that's a very stark statistic, isn't it?

I guess it doesn't take into account the sort of...

I don't think you would get much community benefit from half of a glass of wine a year.

No.

What would be a party with less than two five minutes?

Having a catch-up with your friend annually in a pub for five minutes.

Interesting.

Yeah, it's all grist, the mill.

John.

Yes.

Rumor has it.

Ah, my blushes.

There is a special edition version of John Wins Again.

Hit the theme tune, please.

John Wins Again.

Wins Again.

Wins Again.

I mean, I reckon if George III had had had a go on my mattress, he would have made me freeman of the realm and said that this is my chief mattress here.

I was able to lie down the other day and I thought this is comfortable.

Yeah.

He would have probably had a big sack full of hay and wool.

He would have been rubbish.

Yeah.

He would have been rubbish.

He would have been good for him.

I should probably do it.

I should probably do something about this, but my son's bed's quite uncomfortable.

And I can't sleep on it because it's just too soft.

Oh, that's no good soft.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd rather sleep on the floor.

But, yeah, bed's 200 years ago.

Rubbish.

Rubbish.

Yeah, wait, yeah.

No tar.

Yeah, so the police came to my house the other day.

And said, Jon and Russ, you know, suspicion of creating too much content

and being dedicated to the return of Britain to it as a soft power.

Yeah.

Because what you are doing, he's keeping the nation going and that's why we're arresting you.

I've had the checked his notes that said I think there's been some mistake.

I'm here to give you an award.

And he took the award out of the back of the car.

And it was just a great moment, so it was in the local press.

You have the right to remain creative.

You have the right to remain creative.

That's good.

You have the right to make content.

Yeah.

So it's a special edition of Jon Wins again.

And because I know how loved the feature is.

It is.

And I wanted to celebrate that with something we have been discussing for a while.

Let's hit the first clip.

Well, here we are.

On the day of days.

Sun is shining.

The birds are singing their own glorious tune.

What are they singing about?

I think their song tells a tale of Liberation Day.

Because today is the opening of a new song.

Of a new Aldi.

All across Buckinghamshire.

The talk is of brighter future.

Different way of living.

And though the Aldi is just a short drive from my house.

I have decided to walk to take in the atmosphere.

Gauge local opinion.

Feel if people are walking with a spring in their step.

I can see a gentleman to my left, for example.

I'm not going to speak to him.

He's not going to speak to me.

But his gate.

His mana.

His one that says,

I live near an Aldi now.

And so in his refetching dark red brooks.

He is like a gazelle who roams the plains of choice.

It is actually debut day.

I was planning to be there for the actual opening in the morning.

Which was being hosted by an Olympian whose name escapes me.

And the first 30 customers got complimentary bags of fruit and veg.

Which was a lovely touch.

Unfortunately, I had a nightmare about a man in an off-license trying to shoot me.

Which is old isn't broken sleep.

And a bit of a lie in.

So I've missed the ground opening.

But it's all up in the air.

It's all to play for.

Very excited.

On my route I will be passing the old Tesco.

And it made me laugh because two days ago I went to the Tesco.

And lo and behold, would you believe it as luck would have it?

They'd just decided randomly to install the food truck in the car park giving out free produce.

And I said to the chap, what's going on here?

So we just want to thank you for your loyal custom.

And I thought, oh, OK.

This is my 30 pieces of silver in the form of a bacon bap.

And they didn't do vegetarian options.

I said to him, do I have to promise not to go to Aldi?

He said, I've never heard of it. We had a laugh.

But I knew, I knew the dark, underbelly of what was going on.

The library, fraud, kidnap, who knows where this will end.

Just checked with Dave, I do need to be clear.

Just to cover our backs legally, there was no threat that Tesco,

any of its employees, any entity connected with Tesco, would kidnap me or anyone else for visiting Aldi.

That was, you know, a little bit of humorous exaggeration.

One or two people have taken a little bit too seriously.

So there you go. The scene is set, part one.

Big day, big, huge, enormous.

What do we play a clipper week for the next six months?

No, no.

It's one of those days where I'm thinking, I can't believe this is just 24 hours.

You wanted it to be longer.

Well, I just felt enormous the day, like Christmas day, when it gets there,

how is this only like 7 AM till 10 PM?

The buildup was too much.

You're going to shop in all three, aren't you?

In general.

In general.

And you can as sort of by some things in the Tesco, some things in the living room.

Who knows?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Who knows? It depends what the Aldi is like.

The dream you had that somebody shot you in a news agent,

is that when you told me about where you prevented your death by asking to pray with the assistant?

Yes.

Yeah, that was that was that was that day.

So did you wake up?

You woke up knowing this was the day.

Yes.

Yeah.

How did you know it's the day?

But did you know?

Because they've been building it for months.

That's fine, but our planning application was in years ago.

I won't mention who objected.

I mean, you'll take a genius to work that out, but also quite a few members of the public.

Yeah.

But you knew just because they said opening on 4th of March.

They don't just suddenly open.

Do they not?

Oh, this is it's a big deal.

Yeah.

It's just a buildup super market, Dave.

If you live in a small town.

No, I know.

If you're talking about it.

Yeah, no, no, it takes ages, but because you're someone CUNY and Dave.

No, I just, I don't know.

It's on every street corner.

No, I would know that it would take ages.

And then the day or, you know, a couple of days later,

when it had opened, I'd say a town.

Oh, did you notice that they had opened?

Well, they built Morrison's in Camarthen,

which prior to that was Safeway.

Huge.

I mean, that was just wasteland.

And suddenly with a massive super market arrival to Tesco.

Dave, these are just a big deal.

We should have done outside broadcast from launch, Dave.

Big times.

What we should have done.

So you'd be very good for doing relatable vehicles for voice or first supermarkets.

Thank you.

Yeah.

They don't want that.

They won't warm regional.

They do.

It's the one thing I can't do.

I can do angry regional.

I can do offensive regional.

Oh, yeah.

Subversive regional.

All right.

You mean, how do you essentially?

There we go.

That's so crazy.

Listen.

No one wants that.

No, they won't.

Oh, you should do.

I'm going to go buy some sprouts.

They're really nice.

Take a moment.

Make them into a noise.

Oh, trust me.

Trust me.

Take a moment.

That's what they want.

They do.

They want trust.

They want Diane Morgan, a thousand times.

Yeah.

They do.

Yeah.

Maybe I don't know.

She'll have Kevney's had a good ol' go at that sort of thing.

Kevney's still dead.

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Is he big name in that world?

That's true.

Oh, is he, of course.

They want people to go.

They wouldn't lie to me because they're not from London.

And they've gone from London as a liar.

Yeah.

They didn't.

They were privately educated.

Because most people lie.

They've been to Astor.

Yeah.

But they're not so regional that I'm scared.

Yes.

That's exactly what they want.

Manford.

Manford is laughing it up.

Oh, yes.

Clip number two of ten.

I'm just passing the test go.

And would you believe it?

They finally cleared up the verge next to the petrol station.

They cleared all the litter, all of the, uh,

the rugby hedging and planted shrubs in there

and put woodchip down.

Too little, too late.

Just going to see if the, uh, truck's still there.

Yeah.

Still hawking his bacon, baps.

It remains to be seen whether they are farting in a thunderstorm.

Or, I don't know, what's the opposite of farting in a thunderstorm?

Thundering in a fart storm.

Maybe they're thundering in a fart storm.

Maybe it'll work.

I'm on the approach now.

And you can, you can sense a lightness in the mood.

I've seen some people handing out leaflets

as if it were a general election.

Well, in many ways it is.

We vote with our feet and we vote with our pounds

in a two-party democracy in this town.

Some people voting tactically by heading to a no-hondon barrett,

maybe, or a shell garage.

But it'll do no good.

I'm going to get my first glimpse of,

well firstly, the car park in action

and the controversial zebra crossing next to a roundabout

which is going to be a nightmare.

A few empty spaces in the Tesco car park, actually.

Perhaps a foreshadowing like Abraham

in the Old Testament, I think,

who probably said something about a lamb

that it turns out was Christ.

Perhaps these empty car parking spaces

are future lambs of Christ.

What does that mean?

A woman held her dogs back on long leads

as I walked past saying Christ into my phone.

I'm going to have to come up with a tactic

for when I'm inside so people don't think I'm mad.

So I might have to pretend I'm on the phone to my wife

talking about what we want for tea.

Always makes by people who wear masks

on their own in their own cars.

What are you going to catch from yourself?

Okay, I'm now crossing the zebra crossing.

I have to say the flow of traffic is unaffected.

I am thanking the drivers who stop.

Eat and that annoys me because it's my right of way.

But it's now become just a social moray

that you thank people for stopping at zebra crossings

when legally they have to.

I don't thank people for stopping at red lights.

Here we are.

Okay.

It's a squat design looks like a modern secondary school

or leisure centre,

but a small leisure centre.

I'm going to go without a pull.

I'm entering the car park and I can already see problems

because the road that funnels you in

immediately passes cars reversing out of spaces.

You're talking snowlubs.

If that were to happen

and it were to back on to the zebra crossings

and causing snowlubs,

well, I'm again.

Let me hold off.

I just want to explore this car park.

One, two, three, four, four, six,

six mother and baby spaces,

four electric spaces,

six disabled spaces.

Surely that's not enough.

Surely that's not enough disabled spaces.

I think the Tesco has too many,

but this doesn't have enough.

And there is often a scenario

I'm not, you know, I'm not having a go at them

where dads and mums use the child spaces

when the child is not actually with them.

They're used to it.

I understand that.

No one's there to enforce it.

They were high of offered.

But, you know, just because you've got a buggy in the boot

and a booster seat doesn't mean you've got a child with you.

Anyway, I'm heading in.

I may have to pretend I'm talking to my wife.

So that's the car park.

Is he there?

No one else is doing this.

I love the way John said amen to his own observation.

I keep this thing just a while ago.

I'm on board with this guy.

What a genius.

Why isn't, why aren't sky making this?

I can give you a million reasons.

I love to hardly click my neck.

Oh God, like that Olympian who paralysed herself.

Nothing to her boyfriend.

But not like that.

Just click my neck.

Goodness me.

Oh, so how many clips are we in?

Two?

Two out of any?

Four, halfway.

The car park though.

It's a nightmare.

Is it?

Well, it's a nightmare that's yet to unfold.

It's a potential nightmare.

I mean, it will have definitely, it will have ticked all regulations.

That's legal.

Legally.

But you're as soon as you drive in, there's people reversing out

to then do three point turns to come out.

So busy times.

You, it reminds me of, do you remember?

You know when you get through the seven bridge.

Oh, yeah.

And there's this sudden, like, mat.

Well, it's history.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like that.

But people are reversing in and out.

It's too wide a space of tarmac.

You know, I deal with possible solutions later on.

All right.

Do we?

Are we going in?

No one else is doing this day.

We were here first.

Yeah.

No, I love it.

I genuinely love it.

You know, on locations.

This is on the radio.

Yeah.

Potentially.

Or two pioneers.

The profit is not recognised in his own country.

The last time we had these audio diaries from John,

it was when he had just picked on another.

Yeah.

It was the Irish Odyssey.

So it's nice to hear a slightly more boyish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm not buying shed loads of booze.

No, you're not.

You're not.

I'm not complaining, you can't.

No.

Not at all.

Not a single tear was shed.

Oh, wait.

Onto in Aldi.

That's growth.

That's growth.

Yeah.

All right, then.

Strap in.

Paisu.

Paisu.

Zun.

Yeah.

And you're straight into Fruttenvege.

And then they've refrigerated all the berries.

That is controversial.

Do they need refrigerating?

They've refrigerated the lettuce.

Huh.

Never seen it done before.

They've not refrigerated the onions.

But they've refrigerated the mushrooms.

That's I'm not keen on.

Okay.

It's all ready.

Susan.

You're quite effective.

There's already some light staining on the floor.

But my God.

Look at the brands.

Harvest morn.

Golden bridge.

Four seasons.

Emporium.

It's like an alternate universe.

Look at the size of that pie, Ella, for goodness sake.

That's got to be for two.

I tell you it's a bit like being in a European supermarket.

The juice company.

Actileaf.

I'd love to have been on one of the sort of brand meetings

when I came up with all these fake names.

A couple of familiar brands.

But Rissimo.

Diplomat.

I know the price of a can of beans in Tesco.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

Here we go.

Interesting.

Very, very interesting.

Two-peer can cheaper.

This is proper cook report stuff.

I mean, it's very spacious.

I'll give it that.

Susan.

What time are you back from work?

Okay.

I will be there and kiss you in the hall for a while.

Then we will have our dinner, which I am shopping for.

Do we need hot cross buns?

No, of course we don't.

It's bed-disgusting.

Oh, there's the middle aisle.

I've heard a lot of quite bad stand-up about the middle aisle in Aldi's.

Let's see if it's full of drills and fishing rods.

No, Doritos and popcorn.

It's not that bad.

Golden Grahams aren't new.

I'm seeing nothing unusual yet.

Beans and Vento.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, here's the mad bit.

Pop plant, chicken manure, pillows.

Keeping cups, chopping boards and walks.

Still feels relatively run-of-the-mill.

I don't actually need anything.

So, despite saying I was cooking dinner that I'm shopping for here,

but I've changed my mind and we're going to have a takeaway so that we can make love

in the kitchen before showering and watching moss.

I'm going to paint my decorators paint.

What decorator shops in the supermarket?

You finally have my attention.

Those croutons are cheap.

So, just keeping a mental note of what is cheaper.

So far, it's croutons, sugar.

Those greek olives are cheap.

Right, noted.

I don't need any now, but I will do.

No doubt at some point.

How do I get out without buying anything?

Salt.

Oh, God.

I feel like a thief.

But I'm not a thief.

I'm an investigative reporter.

Who takes a trolley and entire trolley for the food into the toilet?

That's not normal.

Okay.

Oh, my.

You didn't even need anything.

You didn't need a single thing.

That's crazy.

Which puts me in an enormous position of power.

Well, you miss a shop hungry.

Never shop hungry.

I had a big lunch.

Yeah.

I had a bit of an emotional slump straight afterwards.

And then as soon as I rose again, I was out of the door.

Pounding the key.

Yes, again, with the biblical Christ-like imagery.

He rose again.

I rose again.

I rolled away the stone to go to Aldi.

That's the bit they don't mention in the book.

Oh, good Friday.

But why didn't you go and do all this when you needed to buy something?

Just a two-bird or stone.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

So I'm walking into the bank asking for a loan.

And there's holes in my trousers.

And the souls have worn through on my shoes.

And I say, dear Mr. Bank manager, I need money.

Yeah.

It's not giving it to me.

Because I clearly can't afford to buy new trousers and shoes.

No, you walk in there with a gold watch.

You walk in there with a gold chain, a gold suit, and a gold hat.

And gold trousers.

And gold trousers.

Yes.

Nightmare, you like one of those statues in Trafalgar Square.

He's standing in his office, stock still.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He thinks, finally, they'll ever take it.

They've installed a statue of me.

Yeah.

He thinks, how'd he sit in like that?

Yeah.

I then move.

He's shocked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it on the bank.

But I say I need a loan of £10,000.

He says, well, I trust this man.

He's clad head to toe in gold.

He's good for it.

I get my loan.

Why don't you just sell your trousers?

Yeah.

So, so, remember that back to Al D.

If I walk in Hungary, they have the power.

Yeah.

Because I'm going to make impulse purchases.

Yeah.

Because I'm going to want to eat everything.

Okay.

So I'm going to, in my troubled state, need in adversity commas everything.

I need nothing from you.

It's crooksons.

It's a pomegranate.

I'm not saying you have to do this scenery.

It's a strategy.

I'm saying why didn't you do this when you needed to buy stuff from the supermarket?

You can do that whilst you're still not hungry.

Because this is not, this is before then.

This is the reconnaissance mission.

Okay.

So now I know.

Well, you mean it's a tell me, dear, that you don't do reconnaissance missions for when

you go to the supermarket.

You just go to the supermarket.

Yeah.

Oh, your majesty.

What the three again?

It's one walkable from the other.

Yeah.

Yeah, big time.

Oh, okay.

So it's not an enormous.

The whole point is, you know, am I going to create a hybrid shop between the two?

I thought there were three.

Was it not?

Was it not?

I'm technically four.

Yeah.

And there's going to be five.

Oh, I can't wait for that.

I know.

It's going to be mad.

The hybrid mega shop.

The hybrid mega shop.

Right?

Yeah.

But at the minute, I'm just assessing it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, of course.

You must.

You mustn't.

You must.

You mustn't.

It's interesting, isn't it?

It is interesting.

Yeah.

There's more to come.

Is that?

Yeah.

Well, thoughts, feelings, reflections.

Of course.

We think I just walk out of there and walk home.

Wow.

He's, he is a, he's like Harrison Ford, Dave.

He's obsessed with storytelling.

We have another conclusion yet.

Oh, I still have the speech from Harrison Ford.

I was saying speech.

I was so important.

I was storytelling.

And this is it incarnate.

I've kept in costner given an unlimited budget.

And it usually doesn't work well at the cinema.

No.

But dances with wolves has bought me some time to do this.

Yeah, yeah.

So has fielded dreams.

Yeah.

The postman.

Wow.

Sticker.

Waterworld.

I'd actually really like that.

The one that cost about 250 million dollars.

It's actually not a bad film.

It made light come in.

It made light come in as bad as they thought.

No, it was the fact that it cost so much money.

I think Tommy Lee Jones is very watchable.

Oh, he's good.

He's good in that character.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the next clip, please Rodrigo.

Right, so I'm outside now, back in the sunshine.

They have made a major error with that car park entrance road.

But we shall see, car parks can be changed.

Lines can be redrawn.

But there's no doubt that Aldi have drawn a noticeable line in the sand.

First takes very spacious, given that small square footage.

The aisles were wide, which I liked because some people,

not going to name any age group in particular,

but they do diva and look like they're lost quite a lot.

Whereas I walk into a supermarket,

having perfectly mapped out the route of my shop,

knowing where things are.

So you could diva in the Aldi and get away with it, probably.

I'm not saying they've designed it for ditherers,

but it is a dither of friendly space.

I don't know that the price reductions in and of itself

to pay off a can of beans is going to be enough.

It's certainly not enough to tempt me away from doing my main shop elsewhere,

just because, as is always, the trade-off,

lower choice, lower prices.

Also, as suspicious as I am of brand premiums,

am I going to walk into a entirely untested brand landscape?

No, you're not going to find Johnny J.R.

all at sea in a brand-scape.

However, that sugar, those stockpots,

the Greek olives, noted Aldi, noted.

I'm off home.

That was a special edition of John Wins again,

a report commissioned by the BBC for the BBC,

directed, written, starring John Robbins.

This was as John Robbins production for the BBC.

Copyright, 2026.

John nodded at his own findings there.

They make a look. This guy speaks sets.

Yeah, he speaks to you.

Brandscape, lovely portmante.

Thank you.

Well done.

How could Diki olives are the ones aren't they?

Do you like those?

That was what we're talking about.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interesting.

Now, I didn't buy them.

It's interesting.

It's interesting being in a supermarket

where you're unaware of any of the brands.

Yeah.

The trusted brands.

Because obviously the big, the big supermarket,

sort of the big three or four they tend to use the same brands,

you kind of know it, then it's just an initial price.

So is it 100% brandless?

No.

I would say it's 85% brandless.

But they're, I mean, there are brands,

but they're all these sort of uncanny valley brands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But some of the ones you don't recognize

might be better than the one you do stew.

Well, totally.

But what do you do?

Well, I guess the next edition,

John wins against as I buy everything in the shop and test it.

Like it becomes an experiment.

Yeah.

If the next edition is maybe in the Tesco

or the Sainsbury's, that'd be useful.

Well, so for example, almond milk.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's mentioning no specific brands.

Tell you a tale of almond milk.

Some brands separate in tea and coffee,

making them completely useless.

Oh, I'm still a curdled man.

It's horrible.

And you're like, how can you sell this stuff?

Not the most.

You just can't.

And is it doable?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I think you have to put some stuff in it

that people probably think is bad.

But hey, I'm here for a good time.

Not for a long time, right?

I've never spent my whole life.

John Robbins died of almond milk.

But I've been such a bloody good laugh.

But I don't want to be like constantly stirring my tea.

Yeah.

As I'm drinking it to make it look like normal tea.

I lived another two months.

Yeah.

Give me the stabilizers.

Give me the Xantham gum.

Yeah.

Whatever it is.

So, dude, this new almond milk brand they got in there,

which is called something like Sunlight Season or something.

Do I try it?

What if I get it home and it separates first pour?

Then I'm going to have to say that one's just for cereal now.

So I have to get the old brand that I use for tea and coffee.

I don't want two almond milks in the fridge.

Why not?

I'm not that guy, my fridge is too small.

Yeah, history.

I've been there.

He's too young.

Too young.

Too young.

Too young.

I've got too much going on, Dave.

Too almond milks in the fridge.

Too much going in front of two almond milks in the fridge.

Well, thank you for that.

Thank you for that.

Because genuinely, that was a real commitment to the content cause.

Yeah.

I really enjoyed it.

Stop making it Sunlight Ward if.

I know, I really enjoyed it.

He just did a big voice note for the supermarket.

He's on the front line.

Well, it was a mixed picture.

You gave it a mixed picture.

Tesco, Morrison, Saintsbury's.

We've done all that.

That's fine.

We are 53 minutes in.

And that's why this feature is so loved.

Do we?

We can't wrap it.

We can't wrap it here, can we?

We should at least connect, I think.

Oh, we've got to connect.

We've got to at least try.

I've been failed to connect with the listener for the first 53 minutes.

Let's see if we can connect with one listener for the last ten.

Yes.

It's time for the comery connection.

It's another comery connection.

Elisinks his tactics, a ship, a faction.

But his questions have one direction.

Where did you go to school?

Do you know Daffy Devons?

No.

Come on, mate.

You must do.

And then often he will just list a name or three.

Ignoring Johnson, flooring, think like us.

Like us too.

Listeners all are hoping.

If he can elevate his strategy to nifty.

He'll achieve a magic 50.

Elis, go connect.

Ellis James.

Renowned Pokemon card Tiktokker.

Oh, my God.

Random Welsh caller.

Can he connect in just 60 seconds?

We'll find out very soon.

But first, before we hear about Ellis's stats,

listener Roy wasn't too happy with the last week's connection.

We call a nick from Pontiprith.

Roy says,

Someone who worked at the BBC.

Comery connects with someone who worked at the BBC.

Hmm.

Something smells here.

What are the links between Dave and Asian betting syndicates?

That's from Roy.

What is Roy's problem?

Ellis turned the corner on a poor runner form last week,

despite achieving his sixth hat trick of failed connections

the week before he managed to pull a win out of the bag.

Was it a sign that the tugboat was turning,

which is to flash in the pan?

Boyed on by the positive jingle,

can he build on that success?

Can he elevate his strategy to nifty and achieve that magic 50?

Let's find out.

I can't stop thinking about that guy who's not cutting his hair.

Yeah.

Like the Elis and John version of the United Strand.

Yeah.

I'll keep in touch.

Let us know how it goes.

I can't stop thinking about the caller from last week

who I want to be my dad.

Yeah.

Such a nice guy name.

I like to, but not.

Yeah.

Let's find out if this week's caller wants to be my dad.

Hello, caller, what's your name?

My name's Annie.

Dadette.

Ellis, you have 60 seconds to find a mutual connection

with our caller, Annie.

Your time starts now.

Age and school.

It's 28, clandofary college.

Uh, clandofary college.

Do you know you're not going to know Kevin Bowering

who managed the Welsh rugby team in the 90s, are you?

No.

No, that do I.

Okay.

What are you doing for living?

Um, I work for a site-lost charity called Blind Veterans UK.

Oh, where's that?

It's, uh, remote work, sorry.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I went to Union London.

In London, what did you study?

Art history.

Okay.

Uh, clandofary college.

Do you know my friend, Anne Harrod, the translator, who now lives in Madrid.

She's from clandofary.

She's...

What's her surname?

Oh, I can't remember.

Her dad is actually the mayor of clandofary.

Oh, I do know her.

Yeah!

Oh, wow.

Hello.

He was all at sea.

He was flailing.

And from nowhere,

the helicopter, the RNLI,

and he's sharing on the back of a dinghy.

Her dad is called Hayden, I think.

I met him at an old people's home.

He's a lovely bloke.

But Anne Harrod's lovely.

She speaks my four languages.

And I, I know her brother a bit,

because he's met with Ryan from alternative wheels.

Yeah.

He's amazing.

She was, she went to, we went to the same school.

She's a sprinter.

Yeah, very, yeah.

A great.

So how did, have you met her, Anne?

Yeah.

Yeah, we went to school.

She was a few years older than me, but.

Okay.

That's fine.

And you've met her, Alice?

When I went to Madrid to meet

Gareth Bill to interview him for the one show,

she is a translator.

She speaks four languages, one of which as well.

She speaks Welsh English, French and Spanish, I think.

And she lives in Madrid.

That's her job.

She's just a general translator, I think.

And she was like, oh, a local fixer.

Oh, wow.

That sounds illegal.

Use a different word.

But no one in the...

She's your concierge.

Yeah, no one on the team could speak Spanish.

So she was tickling us to all the right places.

And she introduced us to Madrid fans,

because we had to interview some Real Madrid fans for the item.

She was there when we met Gareth Bill,

which was absolutely amazing.

She's lovely girl.

And big football fans.

So I have bumped into a footballer couple of times.

Yeah.

Great.

And then I bumped into her dad.

And I saw her brother at the last wheels away game in.

Living in Stain, I did drink with him in a hotel.

This is good.

Well done for going back to the school.

Could I thought you'd moved away?

And I thought he's not going to return to the obvious link here.

Did you go to the National Southwood in...

Not the National Southwood Red in London for the last year, two years ago?

No.

I did it.

I live in Brighton now.

Do you?

It's not for a lot of bunting.

Yes, we're in.

It was for a few months of bunting.

Okay.

What's your name?

It's Andy, isn't it?

I'm Andy.

Yeah.

Any more connections, Andy?

I'm really good, no, Andy.

Good.

I also know the girls from Adwai.

I wasn't sure.

What do you have?

Oh, wow.

That's why I think it's a bit of a bit left field.

Because I...

I'm from Camarthen.

I'm...

From MacGradig.

Oh, are you?

But you went to school.

I'm definitely to you.

I wouldn't have gone Adwai from Thunderfree.

No.

But there's...

There's many, many connections here.

Maybe you need to add, like, where we brought up.

Because sometimes people go to school,

not in their main zone.

Yeah?

I mean, not that it held you back there.

But good question.

The Nan-Gradig scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't have got...

I wouldn't have got an Nan-Gradig scene from Thunderfree.

Even though it's what?

Is it 15 miles away or something like that?

Yeah, there's a big scene in that gridig as well.

It is a big scene.

Nan-Gradig.

Nice place.

Thank you, Andy.

I feel really positive.

Yeah.

It was a good win.

That was a good connection.

Oh.

Good.

What are you up to the rest of the day, Annie?

Uh, working.

The Toad work.

Squats on your head.

What's that mean?

It sounds like you've been studying alcohol.

No, no, no.

It's a... it's a Philip Larkin poem.

Oh, right.

Are you...

Are you really called Toads?

And then Toads revisited.

Okay.

I'm hard at my friend.

Is a very good athlete.

And...

Because the Spanish had an incredibly strict lockdown.

Doing the Covid pandemic.

She had to do all of her training in the flat.

Wow.

So it was like a...

She would put videos on social media for doing...

Like, basically you'd running on the spot

because there was no way she wasn't on that side.

Have you seen the guy run a marathon in a bath?

No.

There's a video on YouTube.

Strava looks absolutely mad.

Obviously.

It's in a four-foot-long bath full of water.

Just going up and down.

Just going up and down his bath.

That's...

Why would you...

Sharon, I hope it's charity.

I didn't check.

But it might be just resistance training

or maybe it was an ending sentence.

Going around a track drives you mad enough.

Goodness.

Me.

Well, thanks very much for being...

Thank you, Deal.

Thank you, Deal.

It's a brace.

So is that...

Has he?

Yeah.

Last week and this week.

Oh, so we keep playing the extended jingle whilst he's winning.

Of course.

Yeah, so...

Two down...

Three to go.

Three to go.

And the guy can have his hair cut probably before he wants to.

Cricut.

Ah, good.

That's good.

Nice.

Really nice stuff, actually.

Actually.

Supermarket.

Heavy show.

Considering when we're not a food podcast or...

I suppose we are in effect, a proxy money-saving podcast.

We're a lifestyle podcast, aren't we?

In a mad way, yeah.

Right.

I don't think we need made up games

because it's a lengthy one.

So we can give...

Also, thank you for everyone who diagnosed Ellis

with a number of different mental problems

after last week's made-up games.

Some of you are on the money.

Others pretty wide of the mark.

Some quite offensive.

Well, do head to five lives in Instagram account

because a lovely post has come out,

which does detail the capitulation in all...

It's not that one.

I didn't sign off on that.

You don't sign off on any of them.

Well, there's like what are we doing.

I'd like to have been given the right to sign off.

To not reply to the one-son message.

It's very funny.

So, yeah, it's on Instagram.

Yeah, but anyway, thank you for looking to it.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's it for today.

Hmm.

Can't believe that's going to be on the radio for ages.

Yeah, I'll think about Monix.

I'm making some mental gymnastics.

I think it's all right.

Thank you.

Nice. Good.

It's good stuff.

There it is.

Everyone uses supermarkets.

Yeah.

So it's actually the most relatable kind of content possible.

And if the BBC don't like it,

we will take a boat into the English Channel

and broadcast it from there.

Yeah.

Read your car line it.

If you wanted to be an amazing observational standard,

you would all be supermarkets stuff

because everyone uses them.

Anyway, thank you very much.

Listen, goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.