782 - How to talk yourself INTO the life you want

Hello and welcome to the new mindset who this podcast, my name is Kase Kenney

Ath, Kase.Kennyi Instagram and this is my weekly podcast where I create short

no BS episodes dedicated to helping you become the person you're meant to be

leave your conflict zone and live a purposeful and fulfilling life.

Let's go.

All right, welcome to episode 782. Hello, my friend. Welcome to a fresh new

episode of new mindset who this as always, thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for supporting me in today. I want to talk about words because there is a

conversation happening inside your head right now and it's probably the same

conversations that's been happening there for quite some time and it's a conversation

around two very specific words and it narrates your choices, it justifies your

choices, it writes the story not only of who you are but who you'll be, it decides

sometimes before you even decide what's possible for you, what isn't possible

for you and I think a lot of us don't examine it. The power of two very specific

words but two researchers have and I want to reference their work here around

something that I think will be really, really useful. The research goes like this,

Vanessa Patrick from the University of Houston and Heinrich Hagvet from Boston

College in 2012 they ran a series of studies where they gave people different

scripts for talking themselves out of temptation. One group was told to say I

can't give in to the temptation, another group was told I don't give in to the

temptation. So that was it, just two simple words, simple words, same meaning on the

surface but wildly different results. The I can't group really struggled. The I

don't group held firm but the finding that really matters came at the end of the

study after everyone thought the study was old over right after it was over and

the participants were leaving, they were offered a gift of hey do you want a

chocolate bar or do you want a granola bar? The I don't group chose the healthy

option at dramatically higher rates and nobody told them to, the experiment was

over, there was no instruction but it was an interesting anecdote about how the

language lasted outside of the confines of the lab. It didn't just influence

their behavior in the experiment, it kind of changed how they saw themselves

with these two words. So what makes the words different? Well I'll break it down

as clearly as I can and how I see it because it's really twofold but first I'll

say when we say I can't, I can't do something, this is about ability, right?

So it's in the same logical category saying I can't lift the car over my head

or I can't speak Japanese because I literally don't know how, right? So it

describes a literal wall, something is blocking you whether it's your

circumstance, your willpower, your fear, your ability, whatever. And the message

you're sending your brain is there is something bigger than me at play here.

There's a force bigger than me and it's winning. I am on the losing end of

this situation. The decision isn't really mine. I can't do it. I don't on

the other hand is about identity. So this is in the same category as I don't lie to

people I love or I, you know, I don't take shortcuts on things that matter to me.

So this is about a standard. This is about the kind of person you are and the

message you're sending to your brain with this is this is simply something I don't

do or I do do because of who I am. I am the author of the situation, the decision

is mine. It's a decision. So I can't verse I don't. One is a locked door that

someone else has the key to the other is a door that you don't even walk up to

because you don't, you don't even care about what's behind the door. But here's

the thing that makes this more than just like a, you know, chromatical, linguistic

little, little playful trick. Your brain is constantly building and updating

a model of who you are. Every action you take gives your brain new evidence

and your brain then uses that evidence to say, Oh, hey, look, here's evidence.

They're doing this thing or they're not doing this thing. So clearly they're

this kind of person. But your brain isn't only watching what you do. It's not

only looking at behavior. It's also listening very much so to what you say.

And every time you say, I can't, you are giving it a sturdy piece of evidence

that says this person is limited in this way. This person is blocked in this way.

This person is defeated in this way. And each of those pieces, even if they're

just words, it builds your self-concept equally as strong as actions.

A self-concept that's fueled by action. Well, that is very clarifying.

A self-concept that's fueled by defeat because of words. That's also very

clarifying. But let's go back to this language because really there's, I see

there's two stages of, I can't and I don't. The first shift isn't about

pretending that you've arrived somewhere that you haven't. It's about refusing

to let your current situation define you. I can't do something really sneaky, right?

It takes that temporary struggle and marks it as a fixed trait. When you say,

I can't speak up in that meeting. You're not just describing that meeting,

that Tuesday meeting. You're writing your identity. You're telling your brain,

this is who I am. Speaking up is not my thing. I don't do it in that meeting.

I don't do it in any meeting. And the brain is going to agree with that.

So then every meeting that you stay quiet in in the future becomes evidence for

that story. The first upgrade we can make with our language here is,

it's to break that quickly, logically, to take the limitation out of the language

and make sure the brain knows that this is just a temporary setback.

So instead of saying, I can't speak up in meetings, we say,

I don't speak up in meetings yet, but I'm becoming someone who does.

This is step one. There's a step two, right? So we say, I don't speak up in meetings yet,

but I'm becoming someone who does. Instead of saying, I can't stop over thinking

this, we say, I don't trust myself yet, but I'm learning to build that trust.

Instead of saying, I can't take that risk. We say, I don't take risks easily

right now, but I'm working to change that. Right? So the idea here is,

we acknowledge the limitation. Right? We're not pretending we're someone

we're not. We're not pretending we're somewhere that we're not. But now the story's changed.

You're no longer a person who can't. You're a person who's in motion.

It's no longer just a Tuesday meeting and then every meeting and no, it's actually,

no, it is just that Tuesday meeting. You are a person who is becoming.

And that distinction between between being stuck and moving is everything.

And your brain responds to it. When you tell yourself that you're becoming something,

your brain looks for evidence that it's true. And it's like, oh, that's great.

We're in the process of doing this thing all because you move to I don't.

So this is the first bridge, the first bridge. We rewrite the I can't in terms of

I can't in terms of I don't blank, but blank.

I am not this limitation. I'm someone who's leaving it behind.

The second phrase is the most powerful. The second stage here. The full commitment to

I don't. This is where identity language becomes very, very useful.

This is the destination that the first stage is walking you toward.

Right? It's not it's no longer I'm working on becoming that person. It's no.

It is who I am. And so it'll sound something like I don't let fear keep me quiet in

meetings because I have something valuable to say. I don't let perfectionism prevent me from creating the

book, the song, the music. I don't make big life decisions from a place of fear.

I don't let weeks go by without doing things that bring me joy.

Right? So notice what's happening here. These are absolutes. These are statements.

These are statements. Not about what you're trying to do. They're statements about who you are.

Right? So there's no hedging here anymore. There's no I'm working on it.

At this point, we're not acknowledging the struggle. It's a clean, clear declaration

of who you are, the person you are. And this is stage two.

Because really, you can't fake your way here. Like your brain is not stupid.

We talk a lot about, you know, training your brain. Your brain knows what's up.

If you if you try to jump straight from I can't speak up in meetings to I never let my honesty go and spoken

without some of this intermediate work part one, the brain is like that's bullshit.

Right? So as an affirmation, we have to bridge that got part one part two.

But now we're a part two. So if you've done the stage one work, if you've been saying I'm becoming someone who speaks up,

well, then speaking up now, even imperfectly, well, it's simply joining these two things together.

And now you have the identity. The evidence is there. Your brain has the evidence.

And now you say, yes, I'm committed. I don't leave my voice behind.

So stage one stage stage stage zero, right? Stage zero would be I can't have hard conversations

because I always freeze up. Stage one would be I don't handle conflict well, but I'm learning to say things

that matter. Stage two would be I don't let important things go unsaid.

Right? So it's stage zero, stage one, stage two. Stage zero is I can't.

Stage one is I don't yet. Stage two is I don't boom affirmation.

So more examples. Stage zero would be, you know, I can't put myself out there because what if it doesn't work?

Stage zero. Stage one is I don't take risks naturally yet, but I'm practicing being more bold in that category.

Stage two would be I don't let fear of failure talk me out of trying new things. Love it. Love it.

Or speaking as a writer or creator, stage zero would be I can't share this. It's not good enough.

Stage one would be I don't share my work easily yet, but I'm pushing myself to stage two would be I don't let perfectionism

other decide when and how I should release my work into the world.

In each case, the journey is the same. You break the permanence of limitation. You give yourself a direction

and then boom, you decide the kind of person you are. So that's the idea of this episode.

So I think what you should take from it is language doesn't just describe your world. It's never neutral.

It's never just a description. It is it is a creator of your reality. And if it's repeated consistently, the brain believes it.

The brain believes that I can't build permanent walls. I don't, but I'm doing tears those walls down and says those are permanent.

And then when you step into I don't and you fill in that blank, you walk right through where that wall used to be and you build something entirely new there.

You know, we've talked a lot about this on the podcast how actions update your identity.

But words is what builds your actions. So start today pick one thing that you've been saying I can't about move it to stage one.

Say it out loud. I don't do that yet, but I'm becoming someone who does and mean it and start building the evidence.

And then once the evidence is there when your brain has what it's need needs, take it all the way.

Don't say you can't say you don't and then become the kind of person who never who never even needed that yet in the first place.

So that's it. I'll enter right here. I hope this was helpful. I'll give you something to think about if it does and you want to apply this in your dating life, specifically around having standards, high standards, be sure to check out my book, the opposite of settling.

But that's it. As always, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for supporting me and until next episode. I'm out.

You

You