#783 - GARY OWEN + BRIAN SIMPSON

0:00Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

1:01YEEE! Mixed up the blind right here ladies and gentlemen. And now here's the best damn band in all the land. Make some fucking noise for them. Raul Balaijo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tris Leches. Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, the great white pudding, mat muleing on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys. And the Almighty Powerful Praise B to the one and only D madness on the bass guitar. Oh my lord, what a show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Alright, before we get into it, I gotta tell you guys about something. We just launched Killtony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up, you get every new episode ad-free and uncensored.

2:01We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes, behind the scenes stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to Killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to KilltonySupercast.com. Alright, back to the show. Good evening. Tonight's sponsor is Mary Weather Farms Natural Beef Stick. And if you know anything about me, you know that I love a good beef stick in my mouth. How about you Red Bam? I love them beef sticks. Of course you do Red Bam. You look like your blood type is Gastation Teriyaki. Oh, you son of a gun. Who roasted? These aren't Gastation beef sticks. These are made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones.

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4:07That's marihweatherfarms.com and code killtony for 20% off your first order right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week I like to book it fresh. I like to book it hot as good as it can possibly be just the way that I want it in this week is no exception. This is one of the shows where there is a guest on that I have wanted to book on this show for its 13 year existence. And I've never gotten to have them until tonight. Tonight we jam and I matched them up with one of my favorite local comedians that I work with every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the funniest fucking comedians in the world. It's the great Gary Owen and Brian Simpson. Oh yeah, Gary mother fucking Owen is in the house. And Brian got dancing. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

5:09Oh my god, ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for the Killtony debut of Gary Owen ladies and gentlemen? Ever since I was a door guy at the comedy store, I was watching this guy fucking rip the absolute roof off of especially black rooms. And there was really only one white guy fearless enough to do that at that time. And it was him. I mean, just absolutely dominating. And I would be there at 112 pounds in a comedy store t-shirt watching from the back of the room after seating everybody in their seats. And I thought to myself, wow, maybe one day, maybe one day I can make an all black audience laugh. The way that he does. And as you saw at the Kevin Hart roast, I accomplished that mission. But Gary, you're the man. Welcome to the show.

6:11Thank you first time. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna have some fun. And I've matched you up perfectly with my great peer, the powerful Brian Simpson. A man who gets it. On the opposite of you, Gary, Brian's been ripping white rooms for the last 13 years. It's been absolutely destroying only white audiences. So this is perfect. This is a fucking. But Al Pauw was combined. Yeah, that's right. This is an episode that everyone's gonna enjoy. I love it. Gary, this is your first time on the show. Over 250 people signed up for this mammoth jama tonight. If they get pulled out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that wraps up their set. Completely, I conduct an interview. The whole thing improvise. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

7:11Wow. I'm gonna let this Japanese hooker pull the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. And while we go wait for that bucket pull to be wrangled, I have a golden sicka winner who has not been on for quite a while. A hero to give us a brand new minute. Make some noise for the return of Charlie Mack. Everybody here comes Charlie Mack. Come down. Y'all have just finished my last tour, man. I went to Germany. If you ain't never been to Germany, Germany is nothing like what you expect. So many different races, religions. I'm like, wow. Hilla would be pissed. Come back like, what's he for? You have zoos and niggas. And that tour was called fucked in kids. Don't Google that. You don't end up on a list.

8:12Y'all gotta be careful with y'all. Google, Google almost got me sent to jail. Like my sister called me. She said, bro, I just had my son. But we got him a circumcision and it don't look right to me. I said, I don't remember mine. So I said, I got you. I'm a Google baby penises. She said, you better the fuck not. And that's my time, y'all. Thank you. Charlie Mack with exactly 57 seconds. Welcome back to the show, Charlie. How are you? Oh, I am great, man. How you doing? I'm fantastic. It's good to have you back. Great set. Welcome back. Let me ask you something, Charlie, because I'm looking at your smile. You have very tiny teeth. How does a man with such tiny teeth smile for the crowd? Because you just stop smiling. He knew. See, that's what people do. You make fun of him for the thing and they stop showing it. It's like, oh, fuck. He's about to get me. You have such tiny teeth. How do you eat so much for a man? Really? How do you eat so much for a man with such tiny teeth? What exactly are you getting pre-tued beef or something?

9:13It's good for pussy. Oh, shit. All right. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. Okay, in that case, how do you gain weight from eating pussy? If you got an accident, you ain't that good. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's right. Everybody looks at me. You know, that's a bad pussy. That's a bad pussy. That's a bad pussy. Oh, my goodness. Is this your guys' first time seeing Charlie Mack? You've ever seen anything quite like Charlie Mack? Fine. I just met him today. Yes. Yes, nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. You told me he was going on a world. Yeah. I'm actually about to be the first black comedian to do all seven continents. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. Book 43 countries, you guys. So it was just a little hard because I was like, I'm going to get it. I booked it, but I don't know how to get there. Wow. Seven continents, that means an article? Yeah. An article, too. What's the way to see those pictures?

10:13Yeah. Someone's about to break the ice up there. And I have dark to go. My goodness. Seven continents and all the condiments. Look at you. This is absolutely incredible. I'm going to be able to see you. I'm going to be able to see you. I'm going to be able to see you. This is absolutely incredible. You sure you're doing Antarctica? What kind of agent do you have? Who's booking you on this fucking shore? I'm going to be able to see you. Oh, my God. Is there a venue that you're planning on doing an Antarctic? No, I'm taking an excursion through South America into Antarctica. You're taking an excursion. Yeah. And you're going to walk. Are you walking from South Africa to Antarctica? But even not black people swim, so. I don't think you're swimming the Arctic Ocean. I think it's the Arctic Ocean's the other. I really don't know. This is crazy. I bet you have an aunt named Antarctica. But I don't think you're doing Antarctica. Arctic of Jenkins. WNBA. Power forward.

11:13Oh, my God. Charlie Mack. You are so interesting. Seven continents. Which one are you most excited about? I'm Africa. Oh, wow. They're going to try to keep me. Yeah. I bet. Arctic. I feel like if you booked it with you ain't paid for nothing yet, you're just kind of broken down. You ain't really. They don't know that. You raising money or something? You ain't trying to do a gold fund of me. I'm definitely trying to get a sponsor than everything. But it's hard. Oh, see, it's not a book. No, the cities are a book. The way to get there, not. Right, that's the sad. That's two plane tickets everywhere. Uh. You're not lying. You're not lying. Flying must be really hard for you, right? It's not that hard. I just get Southwest. You get a second seat for free. Is that true? That is true.

12:13Southwest, enabling us, motherfucker. Hell yeah. I'm about to go on a diet. They said, two seats, second one free. I said, for him. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. I love it. What else is going on, Charlie Mack? Man, I created a card game that I actually want to give you guys all a copy of it. I created everything in my damn self. Oh, wow. Look at that. Wow, look at that. Yeah, the game is called Right That Down. It's really for comedians or party people. You draw a prompt card, then everyone writes down an answer to it. Like, once I was the worst thing to say in the front of the room. I leave it. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, Like, once I was the worst thing to say in the front of the room, I leave it right down. And whoever got the most points wins. Okay. All right. And you invented this? That's incredible. Where can people find this at? I think you find that on my website, funny Charlie Mack dot com. FunnyCharlie Mack dot com. That's Charlie spelled with an i e. If you start that, go for me. I'm going to donate the first $100. Oh, yeah. I already started. Yep. You can definitely find that on my Instagram at funny Charlie Mack.

13:13So go find me on the link. Yeah. Brian's going to donate $100 under the name anonymous, I'm betting. This is going to be a documentary too, so we're filming it. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. I'm trying to do shit nobody else done. Hmm. Antarctica would be one of those things. That is the reason. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also a radio personality here now in Austin. Okay. ZI-88.7. Wow. Amazing. You do have a body for radio. So that is incredible. In the face. Yeah. You're killing it, Charlie. Well, way to get tonight's show started, man. I love it. You got it going. The party has started. One more time for Charlie Mack, everybody. Here we go. To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, as you guys may know, this is where shit gets a little crazy. Absolutely anything can happen here. We might find our next great talent out of this bucket. Or it could be just a crazy person that didn't prepare at all. Anything can happen.

14:13Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pool tonight. It's cousin Maddie, everybody. Cousin Maddie. How are you doing tonight, Austin? Hell yeah. When I was 23, I was having bloody shits. I told my primary care and she said, again, a colonoscopy. So I did, and the drink the night before was even remotely the worst part. I gave them my weight and they went to town on my fucking asshole. Problem is, anesthetics didn't work and I was half awake the whole fucking exam. Apparently the doctor and I were having a full blown four-along conversation and I don't recall what was said for a bit, but I remember the keywords, UFC and colonoscopy. That was pretty dick pick. He has more into cardio by then. Call me guys, folks, because I have friends in low places and one of them recently told me

15:13there is a G-spot for a gay anal sex. Well, I saw. I conquered. But I most certainly never came. And that's how I know I'm not a fucking homosexual. I am however three years overdue for fall-up and probably haven't had that sort of cancer, but I don't have health insurance and I'm terrified to go back. Thank you very much. Alright, cousin Maddie. That was an interesting story. Hello, cousin. He was reading the hostage note. There was some real twang in that set. Some real twang in that set, almost like you're a gay guy that's afraid your dad is going to watch this. And that's how I know I'm not a homosexual. And that's coming from me. I barely have to change my voice to do that gay impression. I really just change the essays.

16:13Tell me my dad's dead and I had found his six-year anniversary coming up on September 3rd. So you know that he's watching from heaven right now? Yes, sir. And you don't want him to know your gay. Alright. $20 is $20 and the Killtony appearance is a Killtony appearance. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what that means. What do you do? You definitely do know what that means. I don't know what it means. Explain it. What does that mean? $20 is $20. It's like, you know. No one knows what that means. But it's not what it means. No one knows what it means. But what it means is that people are a Killtony. It gets people going. Okay, alright, alright. I just said that. Okay. cousin Maddie, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Attempting. A year. One year. Where at? I'm from fucking Boston. Okay. Do you still live in Boston? No, I live here. What do you do for work? I bounce the Dizzy Rooster. In fact, I've seen you pass just about every Thursday night. No, you have to talk a little bit slower, dude. You bounce the Disney rooster? Yes, two doors down. You bounce at the Dizzy Rooster.

17:13Got it. You're a bouncer. Yes. Very interesting. They have you out there bouncing. Yeah. Of all the people. You got Charlie Mack out here making fucking card games. At 450 pounds. And then we have this guy. I'm bleeding out of my ass. You get out of here, Mr. You're not allowed in the Dizzy Rooster anymore. You got Charlie Mack being creative in Mending Shit. You got these A.A.Z. white dudes out there, fucking bouncing at bars. Bouncing out there. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Red Bam. Red Bam. Oh, hard work in motherfucker. I have two jobs, actually. Okay. What went on? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I gave you two jobs, actually. Hey, I don't know where to run it. ewahl consoled me. You don't know where you run it? it was just helping you, we're in this place, right? Okay. Here they go. They got 2 jobs, actually. Hey, what went on? No, it's bouncing on his tail. Alright. Alright, alright. Alright, alright, red, man.

18:13Take your wind. Take your wind. What are your two jobs, blowing hand? I worked at Spencer during the day. Oh, god. Oh, my god. I worked at Spencer's. Selina Goon has got spences so many. You think I'm gay? Come see me at Spencer's. What? You know what thing or two because you've seen it there too. Okay. All right. Jesus. You say like six words at once. It doesn't make any sense. He's saying thing or two. He's saying thing or two. He's saying thing or two. He's saying thing or two. I'm writing a thing or bang or dang. Can you do me a one favor? Can you say suffer and suffer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You suffer and suffer time. Very good. Very good. Nailed it. Nailed it. Okay. Cousin Matty. When you're not working in Spencer's or bound thing, pick everyone out of here. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about your actual life. Hitting on single moms. Really? That's what you're into. Yes. Wow. When you're hitting on single moms, what's your big pickup line? Do you have like a move that works? All right. You know, want to go have these on a bastard? Wow.

19:13All right. What's another one? You have a lot of things to do. You know, I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to have to do it. What's another one? You have another big line? You have one that works? I mean, I usually go contextual. So I see what's around me. I use my surroundings to my advantage. Yeah. You see? I feel around. Nothing you could get arrested for. It was surprised anybody didn't know. My dad was a fucking state trooper. And I have a clean record believer in that. Wow. How did he die? He got him mowed down on my aprius and mass chosen. Oh. He got my aprius. Oh my god. Normally, that's a fucking broken ankle. He actually... Who dies from getting hit by a prius? That's incredible. That's like getting killed by a bird scooter. It is amazing. He got mowed down by a bird. Get it out. It was actually... It was at 54.7 miles an hour. Oh my god. He survived and died two years later. He adds S's into things by the way.

20:14Accidentally, God has such a great sense of image. 54.7 miles an hour. It was a spectacular celebration. Oh my god. You are incredible. That's one word. So did the guy... Did the person driving the prius? What type of person was it? Did she look like that? It was a... It was a he. It was a he. Wow. He was gay. Now, were you talking like that before the gay guy killed your friend? That's a question because there could be some psychological transfer here. I've seen this movie. It's like an speppshat. There's something. I was a pretty heavy drinker, so I taught the law slower. Oh wow. I'm sober now. How did you get sober? Tell us your trick to getting sober. Put the ball down, went to martial arts, and did this? Partial arts. I did Moitai in Kavanaugh. Oh my god. Just from alcohol? Yeah, yeah, just alcohol.

21:14I'm open to marijuana. I wasn't off. Just a little bit of meth. Hey, the hot stuff. Hey, Brian, I actually gave you a light when you were walking by a dizzy rooster one night. You were walking by and you said, hey, you got a light? I said, yeah, actually I do. I went down my coming mother's ship lighter. You gave me a light? Wow. Amazing. That's amazing. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So you know Krav Maga and Krav Maga and Moitai you said? Yeah, I train Moitai. I'm a little rusty because. A little rusty. Hope you don't mind. Come see me at Spencer's. This is amazing. Did Disney Rooster or Spencer's? There's no one. It's just amazing. Did Disney Rooster or Spencer's? There's celebrations. That's another bar. On the first bucket point, I didn't get to have a sip of wine before I had a sip.

22:14I didn't have a sip. I didn't have a sip. I did not have a sip. Sizzar. No. So it sounds like one of those little Evian bottles that like you can spray your face. I swear to God, Tony. If you make fun of the way I talk one more time, I'm gonna. Hit on your face. No, I just beat the fuck out of you. I was sewing your face. I'm not like that. No, I train Moitai. I train Krav Maga. Wow. So you're just baiting everybody with these S's. You just want someone to make fun of you so you could just rip their fucking penis off and shove it up your ass. We got D-Madness getting uncomfortable back here. The famous homophobic D-Madness on the bass guitar. This guy does, he does it. He's like, those asses sound suspicious as a motherfucker. I can't see him but he's saying gay as a bitch.

23:14Oh shit. I'll tell you what buddy. You're leaving here with a medium-sized bucky's homage. Handmade. Sons of bugs. Kyltoni jokebook. There you go pal. Andy drops it. D-D-E. Funtime cousin Maddie. Way to get the bucket started for us. There you go. So you see, that's how it goes. Sometimes the minute, not great. But the interview can be amazing. Oh my god. It's the only high-d. Everybody. Alive and the flesh. All right. Alien. That's one bucket pull down. Hello there. It's a scorching sports summer and you can make all your picks on prize picks. And basketball and baseball are heating up and every football preseason game is kicking off. This month on prize picks. America's number one sports pick app. You know, I've been getting in and more and more into football as preseason ramps up, especially with all the rookies and players on new teams trying to make an impact. And prize picks gives me an easy way to follow all the action. I can make a lineup by selecting more or less on player projections.

24:15Add a few players together and track everything right in the app while I watch. The football. That football preseason is here and there's no better place to run your game than prize picks. Build a lineup with players stats, pick game winners, spreads or totals and combine them in the same lineup. It's available in all 50 states. That's right. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups when you win your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. America's number one sports pick app. We're getting word. He's back at the Dithy Roaster. Picking up a ship and fencing Samira. All right. Your next fucking pool goes by the name. Obviously anything can happen here. People make some noise for Clifton Harris. Everybody, here we go. What up, y'all. I've been doing comedy since 1984. In a different venue.

25:15For the past 42 years, I've been a professional rodeo clown. Thank you. Traveling full time, I raised my kid in the business. We were Hollywood and Bookerhead. I'm Hollywood Harris. And my little boy named Bookerhead. We traveled all over the country. And we were in Johnson City. I was in Johnson City just a couple of weeks ago. He was at the PBR this weekend. Anybody go? That entertainer out there, Brinson James. That's my little Bookerhead. So I tell you what, we've done a lot in a rodeo. But this comedy thing, pretty new. Standing up here in front of everybody. I figured I'd tell a few jokes and not get run over. All of the other comics, they get ripped by Tony and heckled a little bit. And if I bomb, I get a horn in the ass, all right. I don't know. You know, I've never had one enter my ass, but I've had two of two friends of mine that have ripped their colon apart. But just keep going, Clifton. Just keep going. I got punched in the ass also one time.

26:16So hard. It gave me a nosebleed. And I wouldn't open for about 30 minutes. It hurts. Trust me. Thank you guys very much. All right. Clifton Harris, ladies and gentlemen. Let's check in with Brian Simpson first. I feel like somebody told him the interview was first. Here was. Yeah. I had no questions for you, Clifton. See y'all. Thank you. No, amazing. I'm kidding. Stay up here. You wish, motherfucker. I was so gay. He's my first time here, but this is more gay than I thought. Oh, it's crazy. You're here in the, you're like, we did. We went, we went from an actual gay man to fuck his Dallas Buyers club over here. This is absolutely incredible. So you were a rodeo clown for 42 years? I still am today. Wow. 42 years in the game. I'll be in Cherokee, North Carolina next week. Oh, my God. The following week I'm in.

27:17All right. That doesn't matter. Yeah. You're going to be there anyway. So you have a son that does it as well. I do. How old's he? 33 now. Super star. Wow. He's like, it just worked Madison Square Garden last year. Wow. Amazing. We just got back to Madison Square Garden. That's the only major building. I think that I haven't worked myself. And I got in the PBR. And then they, they went into Madison Square Garden after I got out. Wow. You got out at the wrong time. I did. But my son, you leave it to your kids, man. You know, you hope they do better than you. Amazing. You passed the, the red blanket. We've had, we've been blessed. Very blessed. Wait, is your son also being a rodeo clown better than you? Yes, he is. He's been doing this since he was two years old. Yep. He started in the act with me at two. He grew up and started flying around the country with me. It's a real carnie, shit, right? Well, carnies and rodeos are way different. Really? Tell us about the differences. We don't know. Tell these kids. We don't know. Tell these kids about cowboys. The real deal.

28:17I grew up in the cattle business. My dad was in Waco, Texas. I was born there. We moved to Florida in 1970 to ship cattle back west. So, you know, rodeo just kind of came in the, in the field there. And guys did it that worked for my dad and always wanted to ride bulls. And I couldn't ride bulls. So, I rode buck and horses all through high school. And a collarship, a started clowning and they fucked up and paid me. Wow. And we've been blessed. I've been wrecked. And I've been blessed. What's the worst injury that you've had out there getting ran over by bulls? Well, I was in Boston one time and this guy, the bull stepped in his nuts. All right. And I grabbed him. The bullfighters took the bull the other way. And I run in and grabbed him up. And I took him to the fence. And I got him up on top of the fence. And when I got on the fence trying to get out of the bull's way, it kind of leaned back and I was like, oh, shit, I'll just sit real tight. Well, the bull hooked me in the ass. And I expected to pull the fence. Okay. Red man.

29:17What do you have your finger hovering over the part button? You are such a child. This is about a man's integrity on the line here. Don't mess with his integrity. All right. Watch for years. He's never had that timing yet, but good job. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Oh, burn. Fuck you. With wood. Oh, I love it. Clinton, there is your... But anyway, the bull hooked me in the next thing I know I was ripped off the fence. And I looked down and my pants were stretching and I'm, oh, my God. Anyway, he hung his horn in my pants and ripped him down around my feet and I was hung to his head for 50 seconds. With no pants on? Was it the last comedian? No. Actually, they were right around my feet and they wouldn't come off. And so I was swinging and kicking both shoulders out of joint and did a jothism on this leg. You all guys know what that is? Snacked it off.

30:17Oh, wow. And luckily, you know, time slows down when you're about to die. I don't know anybody ever about to die in here. Time slows down when you're about to die and you go, good Lord, help me. And everything... Are you about to say that the Lord came down and helped you right now? Is this... My shoes came off. Oh, my... The pants came off and I took off crawling to the fence. This shoulder is completely out of joint. This arm's broke. And when I roll over, my legs go on yonder. Right. And the stories are really long. Yeah. Now I know our roto clowns don't talk. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I was hoping the story was going to be less than eight seconds. But... In rodeo fashion, Clifton, let me ask you this. Here's the question on everybody's mind I do believe. Do rodeo clowns get a lot of pussy? Well, let me answer that to you. I got pussy 1985. I actually met my wife in 1986 and then, you know, I was 85 degrees. She was about, I think it was July 21st, 22nd.

31:19I don't know. The sun set at 7.56 and in there. Sun rose at 8.23. I was actually wearing a fruit of the limb on my bottom at Target. She thought I got her Walmart. And I swear to God, I can't believe Spider-Man's on its eight fucking movie, man. I missed it first. I remember Batman when it first started. That was so good. Adam West. And he was good. Chris Vareed, he actually died on the upper horse. I actually fucked it. And then my son get more pussy than me. They about nail it? Pretty much. Amazing. Amazing. But what's the real story? You've been married the whole time? Are you out there fucking? Yeah. God, I might have hoped she ain't watching. No, I was married for 27 years. I fucked all of that up.

32:19You know what I mean? Yeah. I got a good one now. And it's been a real good life. But I've learned a lot of stuff on the road. I've found some stuff you would never ever find. Yeah, like what? A short story. Oh. That's good. That's so fun. I found my son. Another son. You found another son that you made out there. Tell us about that. I don't care how long it takes. I want to know. I'll give you the rest of the episode. This is like the fucking guy from the Big Lebowski that's at the bar. Well, that was the story of Lebowski that day. We didn't know anything else about him. That's just who he was. I found my son that day. All right. Let's hear it. I was in Bronton, Texas. I was in Brown. I was in Brown. I was in Brown. I was in Brown. Got hands me over a letter. I'm in clown outfit. Got hands me over a letter, and I look at it, and I was like,

33:20Hey, man, I don't have my glasses. Read it later. It's not important. And I took it over to my girlfriend. And I stuck it through the fence. I said, read this. Give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. I need to know. That's kind of how we do thing. Oh, yeah. And I took off and did the cash, scrambled at the rodeo and I came back. And I'm looking through about three fences. And she's going, holy shit. Oh, boy. And I was like, what? And she goes, oh, shit. What? So I go over to the fence. I said, what are you fucking talking about? He said, his wife bought him an ancestry this year. She had bought me an ancestry last year. I figured I'd be up to my belt buckle in him by now. Uh-huh. And I go over there. It took him that long to find me. I guess clown DNA ain't that common, you know? All right. Must be the nose. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. I'm going to get my nose back. But look, look, look. Look, look, look. Look, look, look, look, look, look. It's like, yeah. We can't find the DNA ain't that common, you know? All right. Must be the nose. But look up in the crowd, and here's this fucker. Looks exactly like me. Oh, my god. Exactly like me. And he looked 65 years old, as well. Actually I'm 66.

34:20Wow. Look at that. Unbelievable. But this guy. Looks exactly like my dad. My dad's twin brother. My son. My brother. He looks exactly like the rest of us. Wow. And he looks like the rest of us. like the rest of us. Wow. And it's amazing. He's a retired Navy. His wife's a doctor. He lives in Waco. He's from Coleman, Alabama. Wow. Just by happenstance, he lives in Waco and found us on the internet. Amazing. And we have been blessed ever since. I tell you what, it's a family come together. And Waco is my hometown. How would you know? Amazing. What are the odds? We've had a good life. That is incredible. And you're proud of him. He's not gay or anything. He does have a jeep and get the little dunks on the wall. Well, that's a big deal. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. So someone's been shopping at Spencer's. That's totally nice. How I know he's gay. What do you mean? Oh, I love it, man. I have an old man question.

35:20I know his glasses are like separated. Is it like a, oh my god. Oh, look how cool this fucking cowboys. Look at this guy. I play a lot of poker, so I need to see. Wow. Look at you. Well, you are a real man. Very rarely do we have real men on this show, especially out of the bucket. This is incredible. Tell us, tell us, what do you think is you know your whole life. You know everything. What is the most manly thing about you before I let you go? This has been a long interview for such a terrible set. But you are an intriguing man. And I love a good interview. And this is my only chance I'm going to have you. I don't know. I think just being a little bit vulnerable. Wow. Powerful answer. That'd be the, probably the biggest thing I could do over the, over, over the, there's a bunch of, a bunch of, hey, come do my fucking job, pussy. Yeah. And I'll tell you what. I'm going to do one of the rare things where the minute was just like, you know, I'm

36:24going to do the minute was just okay. But man, the interview so goddamn good and honest and cool. There's a big joke, but my friend, pussy hair. So fun. God damn, we got all shapes and sizes so far out of this bucket. We got a little homo and an old tough guy so far. What can happen next? Make some noise for your Ivan Volkopf, everybody. Here comes Ivan Volkopf. Oh, we've seen Ivan Volkopf before. I'll see you again. I watched a new Moana movie recently. Just pretty good. It was a little girl find precious object in water and put back into volcano mountain. It is like a lord of the rings for people who want to watch something less gay. Ever since producer and ladies man Harvey Weinstein go to jail, Hollywood movie not the

37:31sexy, you know. Moana was an island full of native peoples and Dwayne de Rock Johnson had the best teats. I don't care that they were fake. I still pay $20 to see them. But YouTube is new Hollywood now. I can already hear these sexual allegations. Mr. Beast told us, less one to take their hands up his balls, get a thousand dollars. It was terrible. Thank you. Ivan Volkopf, ladies and gentlemen. Ivan you were famously on the show just a few weeks ago or a month ago or so. When was that right around then? It was just a while back I think. A while back. A month and a half. Well, welcome back. This guy is a Mexican. You're a Mexican with a Russian name and an extremely Russian accent.

38:33Yes. But you've never been to Russia. No, never. Unbelievable. Does anybody here believe him? This is absolutely incredible. But you spoke with your dad so much as a child that you sound like that now. This is what these sound like whenever you speak English. That's really how you talk all the time. Most of the time. When do you change your voice? Whenever I'm Mexican restaurant, I order anything. Can we hear how you would order at a Mexican restaurant or how you talked to the waiters at a Mexican restaurant? Absolutely incredible. What is amazing? Michael, what did he say? What did he say, Michael? You wanted to order some chile. Oh, wow. Some chile, keelies, please. They're delicious. Absolutely incredible. They are delicious. Now I see you have a grill. Did you have a grill in your mouth last time you were on? Yes. You did and I just didn't notice it. Give me a little smile. Let me see that.

39:33Wow. Absolutely incredible. You have a Mexican heritage, a Russian accent and black teeth. This is amazing. That is amazing. How long have you had a grill before? I've had it for about maybe six years. But this is common. My grandmother, on my mother's side, she have gold teeth. Mexican women have gold teeth. A little bit of mustache, but that's okay. You have your grandmother's mustache as well. Thank you. Incredible. Wow. And what did you, and your grandma's in Mexico? No, she in the ground already. Oh. My goodness. That is not Chile, Kiles at all. Wow. Still in Mexico, technically. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Amazing. Wow. Yes, she is. Amazing. So, how about dad? Is dad still alive?

40:33Yes. He's in Mexico. Yes. And he's being Russian in Mexico. Am I correct? Yeah. He's. He keeps himself, you know? What does he do for a living? What does a Russian guy do in Mexico for a living? Because it seems like all the Mexicans would have all the jobs, for sure. I mean, they have most of our jobs. So I can't even imagine how much they're dominating in Mexico. I don't know. He retired now. So I think he just, you know, hanging out, taking his time doing nothing, maybe. What are, what are he used to do? Do you know what he used to do? He used to work. Okay, drugs. That's the vibe I'm getting. Drugs and horse. For sure. Was that basically it? Was he involved in maybe some crime? But no, it's all good now. We call it the waste management. That's right. Okay, very good. I had a feeling. I'm not going to ask anymore, because I've seen some docs on these Mexican cartels. I can't imagine what the Russian guy in that shit is like. I bet he's literally wearing a sex trafficker costume. That is that.

41:34You could buy that at the Spirit Halloween store under sex traffic costume. Clare in the door. You grill, fits any size. Amazing, Ivan. And remind me, how do you make money nowadays? What are you, what kind of hustle are you on? I do electrical, but I recently get promotion. Oh, yeah. Tell us about this promotion. I do quality control now. So what exactly do you, do you just kill people if they do a bad job? No, no, no, no. What I do is people do like, they put product out. They put what? Oh, product, yeah. And then I make sure product, okay? Yeah. It's not okay. They no longer get the book. You did that first, if it's not okay. They lose jobs. I slit throat. I slit throat. I do chilly, chilly. Yes. Wow. You know in this protection program. Are you sure? I will not be ideal.

42:35I think they sent you away. We're going to give you some gold fronts. Ivan? Yes. We're going to teach you Spanish. I think it's Russian for one. So. You were. The Russian John. It would be very bad, very bad, witness protection name. They give me. Yeah. Gary's just white for white. Okay. Man, you are amazing. What do you do for fun? I let them go. No. No, 10 second head start. You go ahead. Go ahead. If you seen a paca, lip toe. Yeah. A little cat in mouse is never hurt any better. Oh, my God. This guy is unbelievable. A little cat in mouse. I fucking. He wants his brain bad. Like not real. Not real. It's not believable. You know? But seriously, for fun, what do you do? You must have some hobbies.

43:36You have a hacky sack or anything like that. There must be something that you're into. Some wacky type of side hobby. You end up something. I like to do. It's hard to explain. I like coloring book. You see this Tony new thing coloring book. Yeah. I like to play cards a lot. I like to like, like, like, lots of poker. Uh-huh. Poker tournament. I like to go to pawn shops a lot. Oh, tell us about that. What do you do with the pawn shops? Because you look. You do. You look like the final boss of the video game pawn shop. You make it to me now. Good luck. He looks like he gives you a mission in grants of auto. Yes. Yes. It's big. Absolutely. He's not denied any of this. Errol Silk. Yeah. Just shook his head. He just laughs so long with that. We're all going to die. My god. 20 story. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Whenever I first sign up, I thought I was signing up for a job.

44:37I said, everybody wants to kill Tony. What is this? Yeah. Absolutely. A hundred percent. They do. What kind of card do you drive? Is that I 1972? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You? I don't know. How much do you earn now? $ exemption 7? $ exemption. $ exemption 7, two? You know what I say about that? $ exemption. $ exemption. Corjudge. I don't understand. I will read you down on Instagram. Yes. I need money. I believe we can share this item with thisföraaaaaahhh Are we gonna finally share this item? we are not gonna share it with thisONE too. Doesn't it look like that? No. Like you know, definitely does. Trans Edgar wrote the last piece. You're welcome. Confidence. You're going to have confidence. Wow. Do you have any kids? No. What is your secret to not having kids at your wise age? Sometimes...I like to paint the canvas, you know what they mean?

45:38Oh, absolutely. For sure. Hell yeah. He's talking about flattering the blood of any girl to say she's pregnant. Wow. So that's your trick. That's your trick. You pull out and then all of a sudden they're the wet back. Yes. I've been bullcuff. I find you so entertaining. You just got a big joke book a month ago, right? Yes sir. Well, perfect. What's up? One more thing. I want to tell you, I meet Patrick Warburg in last time. After... You did the impression. You met him? I met him. How where did you meet him? I met him at Comic Con. No way. Yeah, yeah. Did you show him your impression? No, he's seen it already. Oh wow. He gave me a nude photograph. And he tried to kiss me. I bet. I've been for real. He tried to kiss me. He's assistant film everything. I asked him if... Can you do an impression of what he said to you?

46:40He said, uh... Uh... We'll make out. That's what he built me. That is the craziest talent. Say that in Spanish. That was Sabesavunos. That is good. That is amazing. So, obviously, uh... Patrick Warburden, huge kill Tony Fan, was watching that episode, found you, and then you went to Comic Con to meet him. What kind of Comic Con was this? It was the one in Belton. Uh... It was the one in where? Belton, Texas. Oh, okay. But what I do is just like a regular Comic Con. Yeah, I meet him, uh... Pink Ranger. I meet her. Who? Amy Jo Johnson, the Pink Ranger. Oh, the Pink Ranger. That's so funny. A thick Russian accent. I meet the Pink Ranger. She gave me pictures. I give her pictures of mine, too.

47:40Wow. Oh, my God. The fall off from Patrick Warburden. The Pink Ranger is unbelievable. She is a beautiful lady. She is? Oh, my God. How hard did you rape her? No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You would never. Never. I would never. Many would respect for Pink Ranger. Wow. Where did you... Hmm. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I can't see you. There's no rape. No, you say yes. You say yes. You just said yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It is so funny because we're trained. We're trained as Americans since we're little kids that you hear a Russian accent. It means I'm going to kill you. I will destroy you. I will eat your whole family. And then all of a sudden it's like, no, we respect Pink Ranger. It's just a gap between what we're hurt. I had told to expect from that accent. And the respect for the Pink Ranger. That's your favorite one.

48:40That's your main ranger. Pink Ranger. Pink Ranger all the while. Only ranger. Pink Ranger. Is that the original Pink Ranger? She went by what? Kimberly? Yes. I remember that. See, I remember that. I had an FU. That's my... I was never into the powers of Ghostbusters kid. But I had an FU that was obsessed with the Pink Rangers. And I happened to be an unbelievable uncle. So I remember that because I would converse with my nephew. Yeah. I'm an unbelievable uncle. It is true. Wow. Fantastic. You are so goddamn interesting every fucking time you're on this show. I love your style. You already have a big joke, but keep signing up. I want to talk with you more. Thank you. Some long interviews tonight. I got to be honest with you. But the people are so damn interesting. It's so good. There goes Ivan Volkhov. Hello there. If you've been sitting on a business trip, if I make it easy to turn that idea into something real, you know, when I launched the Killmarch.com storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setups.

49:40Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. One of the biggest things I noticed really on was how smoothly customers moved through checkout. Shopify, check out. Help more people complete their purchases. And returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction-free experience gave me the confidence that the sales side was working the way it should be. And once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the sort of actually growing the business. That's right. Designing things myself, the class of Killtoni, NASA hoodie, and so many other wild successes. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time doing that. Designing and improving products, connecting with customers, and finding new ways to grow. It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first time entrepreneurs to major brands. The infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea. Because I don't have to spend a bunch of time on the technical side. I realize the other day that we could be selling de-matteness knockoff sunglasses and just upcharging you for more money. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Killtoni. Again, your free trial is at Shopify.com slash Killtoni. On to the next bucket board moving along smoothly here.

50:41It makes some noise for Alan Fox. Everybody. Here comes Alan Fox. Everyone. Holy shit, what's up guys? I'm not expect to get pulled up. Alan Fox is a stage name. My actual last name is Kim. And I was really fighting like whether or not I want a stage name or whatever I'll go with Alan Kim. Because anytime you tell someone that you want to do comedy as an Asian guy in Austin people like like like fucking Hans Kim. Like is it like, oh fuck can't I have a different fucking hero? So like every time like people are like, hey, like you want you like comedy? Like like like Hans Kim. Are you guys cousins? There's like no bitch. Like I don't know fucking Hans Kim. You know, I don't it's just like it's just I don't know like there aren't too many heroes as far as like Asian comics go there's like fucking Bobby Lee and there's Hans Kim. And I fucking like them both like they're fucking dope is just like god damn it like can't I have like a different hero than just those two?

51:47You know, um. Like there's no I'm not sharing on them like they're fucking like they seem cool but like I don't know. I met Hans Kim once. He's like two inches taller than me and I was like fuck you man. Um yeah, that's it. Thank you very much. Alan Fox only talking about Hans Kim for his minute. Trying to separate himself from being confused for and everything with Hans Kim, former regular of the show, Hall of Famer, legend of Killtony folklore and to distance yourself from this misunderstanding of being often confused for Hans Kim or asked about Hans Kim you've chosen tonight just solely talk about Hans Kim. Yeah, I mean like you know I have a very complicated relationship with him. I mean he was just responding my fucking letters man then like I feel like Gary you're right.

52:48This is the gay show on planet earth. I got to tell you this is absolutely what's fucking wrong with that man. You know what's wrong with that? This farts were gay and they were fucking bad. Alright, it okay. Okay, what's wrong with being a little gay? Nothing, I agree. Alright, you're cool, you're cool. Bobby, she relax Bobby, she. Alright Alan, how long have you been doing stand up? Oh, like a year man. No way. Absolutely. No fucking way. Absolutely. How old are you Alan? I'm 35. 35. What made you start stand up at age 34ish? Um, because my friend was like listen are you gonna spend the rest of your life being a drunkard and they hang out at the strip club all the time? Or do you want to like a mount? Like do you want to like beat? Or do you want to do comedy and do both? Pretty much. Pretty much. How's the drinking going good?

53:48Oh, it's, you know, it could be doing better. I would guess by that set that you are just rock steady with it. You know, I legit like had no, I didn't think I would be called up very serendipitous. So like yeah. It happens. It's a random bucket. I mean, that's the only way to get called up to the show. Well, I feel like as long as like I'm like cool and chill, like I'll have like an okay time and like hopefully like I don't like. Let me ask you this. Yes, let's do something. Because I'm starting to catch on to something here. Did you maybe eight? Did you maybe have a few cold ones at the bar while waiting to get up here tonight? Like a high noon or like a white cloth? Uh huh. Uh huh. A high noon or a white cloth or a high noon and a white cloth? Maybe maybe one of each. Yeah. What else? What else? Because you seem like you maybe add a little something at lunch time, huh? I mean, that was like a good time. Little socky socky before you sucky, sucky. What's wrong with that, man?

54:48I love it. Every time you call them gays, like what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? You know, we all get it. We're not your dad. You don't have to like defend it. We're just making jokes. Are you from SoCal, like Venturer or something? I am not, man. I wish I was. Um, like West Coast Asians are so fucking cool. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago and we're not fucking cool. Right. Like, like I put on like this is like my second favorite t-shirt. And like I put this on in case I get on kill Tony. Like if I was like from the West Coast, I'd have like a chain and like fucking like Jordans and shit. And like my hair would be spiked. But I'm just like I just showed up. Wow, it's nothing like his voice. Yeah, I know. No, no, it's just, it's from work. It's from work. What do you do for work? A fucking car salesman, man. Oh my god. Yeah, shit has nothing going well. Wow. It's like, it's like saying like you're going to start tripping like something something happened.

55:50And, uh, you want to start on a different trajectory. How long have you been selling cars for? Uh, like three years, man, three long years. Wow. And where they toyotas or Hondas or? They are toyotas. Wow, absolutely incredible. How could I have known? This is the second time we've spoken about cars actually. Really? This one time I went and saw you and I was in the audience and you're trying to be, you know, work some, do some crowd work and you pointed all the Asian people like I bet you drive a civic bitch. And then you call that like what do you drive, sir? Do you look a civic and you're like, yeah, bitch. And the crowd goes wild. You forgot to mention that part. Yeah, because it's a thing that I noticed. It's a, it's a my own personal race of studies. I've learned that Asian people are loyal to Asian car brands. And it works 100% of the time except when I shot my special that sucks. Well, any point it to me in your opinion is Asian. I've got an Asian lady ever to drive a fuckin' Tesla during my fuckin' special because her husband bought a fork

56:51because it's self driving, because he has an Asian wife. Anyway. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, my mother is like an Asian lady, but like get the Asian ladies off the road. Like I'm sorry. Oh, I love it. Your wit, though. Like I've seen my mother drive a car, like we don't need more of that. Like this is... Wow. You... Age Ladies on the road. You said it, brother. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey, you've only been doing it a year. Keep talking about your mom driving. No more Hans Kim. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. I'm not shitting on him. I'm not shitting on him. No, we know you're not shitting on him, but bringing him up, it's like just messing up your whole thing. You didn't do any jokes. You just kind of... I didn't do any jokes. You know, I had some jokes about like being 35, and my life not paying out. But then I just started Hans Kim. And he's like, two inches taller than me, and I was like, fuck that guy. We know that. We know that. I guarantee Ivan's backstage, I can take care of him for you. Yeah. You can take care of Hans Kim. No, no, no. He seems like a nice guy. I want someone bad happening to him. He thinks I'm serious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

57:53Yeah. I don't know. Let's see what's kind of me. I say, Hans Kim's life. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a fucking hero, man. You keep mentioning that Hans Kim is two inches taller than you instead of saying two penis lengths taller than you. Asian penis length? I'll take the help either area, man. But credit score is higher than mine, too. Yeah, it definitely is. It's totally... How many... If you had to guess how many Toyota's you've sold in the three years of being a Toyota salesman, can you give us a ballpark? I don't know, because sometimes I'm like really good, but sometimes I just fuck off. Give me a ballpark. Give me a ballpark here. Oh, I don't know. Let's say, let's say 10 a month. Wow. That's more than anybody would have guessed. You got 10 to 12 is like... You gotta be retarded to not sell 10 to 12. Right. I'm not using that word, you know, offensively. It's just like 10... Guys, yeah, relax. He can say it. Look at his face. He has Down Syndrome.

58:53I have Down Syndrome. If you can put on your pants, you should be able to sell 10 to 12. Right. He's an Asian with Down Syndrome. Or as we call them, our valedictorian. LAUGHTER Yeah. Fuck. Oh, I was proud of that one. You guys... That's a good one. ...you guys are smart until you become drunkard car salesman. And it was implied that I'm a drunkard. What's your dad? You sure dad Asian too? My dad is Asian, man. Mom and dad both Asian. I know they... Sometimes I forget, but like I bump into them, and they're like... And he's like, we are very disappointed in you. Play fucking arm, man. You are not the funny and severer to the old one. I am not a good Asian, man. You are not the funny. I'm a franchise. I don't dress well. Did your dad try to get you to go back to school? Oh, no, man. Not really. No, man. Did your dad... Did your dad know what you're into?

59:53Yeah, man. Like, I think so. Like, I've like the key to my... Like, religion in my parents. I've already done the most fucked up shit. So like, everything I do now is like totally acceptable. And like, well, at least he's not doing... No, no, no, no, no. Like, what? What did you use to do that was more disappointing than being a gay gay carer yourself? Oh, a closet. Fucking closet, and man, there's a difference. Right. Fucking... You're not in the closet anymore. I could be. No. No, you're not. That shit... I could have saved my friend. Can you be kicked me out again? That Toyota has saved my friend. Toyota's ill. No, I used to... I used to do hair on. Oh, wow. Like, needle in the arm, seven... Like, for seven years. Wow. How did you kick that habit? What karate kick? Karate was telling you... You're being a little racist, but...

1:00:54Oh, it's so fun. It's so fun. It's being... If that's racist, then I don't want to be right. No. I karate kicked it. You're the miracle of God. I don't know what, but I put the needle down one day. So everything I do now is just like my mom's like, you shouldn't vape so much. I'm like, at least I'm not doing hair. Dude, Hans Kim would have laughed at that karate kick joke. Yeah. For sure. He would have... He would have loved it. And he would have been much taller in center. I am like a... I've put on some weight recently. Yeah. Like, I'm not proud of it. Like, I've fluffed out to his... It is. Like... You look like a ponds Kim at a baby with a French bulldog. I'll take that man. You're a bull. It isn't like a friendship. Dude, I think you'll... I think your issue is you are wrong about what's interesting about you. What is interesting about... Well, I don't know yet. Oh. I don't know what's interesting about me, shoot.

1:01:57You keep doing it. You'll figure it out, Alan Fox. In the meanwhile, here's a medium-sized joke book. Let's see if all drunky pants can catch this. I got... Go to Pride... Go to Pride Fix right now. Slash Tony. And hit place your back. Because it probably ain't happening. Whoa, look at that. Look at that. With the tongue out, drunk is fuck. There he goes. Alan Fox, aka Alan Kim. All right. Let's get a regular up here, ladies and gentlemen. We have one of our great regulars that writes and performs a brand new minute every week. Makes the noise for the dark storm of Austin, Texas. It's Dead Trick Plain, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Dark Storm. Guys, can I open up to you? I got a big fear of Porto Potties. And I don't think I'm being irrational about that. I think that's the scariest place to take a shit in your life.

1:02:58I would much rather get caught, like, being seven years old at elementary school taking a shit because my shoes were down. And then everybody just called you shitty booty boy until you in middle school, right? Because a Porto Pottie is like terrifying. If you ever go to a festival and you only have his Porto Potties, that's the only time you start acting like women. You just, you look at your homeboys. Like, I got a beat. Can you please come with me? Like, you know, like, all of y'all, can y'all, can't care all 17 of y'all come with me to beat? Because I don't trust these niggas. What if they decide to flip it over? You know what I'm saying? What if they decide to flip? What if they start a riot and they flip over the Porto Pottie? Can y'all watch out for me? Like, what you know about being drunk and then walking home and on the way when you walk home, you got a pee, but you see a Porto Pottie, but you can't trust it, right? Because they ain't no ring cameras on the Porto Potties. Like, you know what I'm saying? They can do whatever they want, geez. You go pee in the bush.

1:04:00Because bush is the safe, right? Bush is the safe. Porto Potties aren't. Because we scared the same two things that can happen. Like you open up the Porto Pottie and it's just like a undercover cop in that niggas like, ah, hi, I got you, you got a beat. You're worse, it's like a homeless wizard. And that niggas convinced you that the Porto Pottie is a time machine, but you got to touch the blue, right? You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? That time travel blue. Porto Pottie and Jews, you got to put your hand in there and it's going to crawl over your body like when, when Neil touched a mirror and the matrix. Dark story I'm done. Porto Pottie. Two minutes. Nothing but truth about the Porto Pottie. That is one of every man's greatest fear is having to use a Porto Pottie. And Tony, I lived in my car for three years. I'm used to shit now, so I'm saying protection is terrifying, man. And I'm sick of holding this fear in.

1:05:01And I'm glad there are people who can openly admit we can all be tough about that. Are you scared of Porto Potties, Brian? I don't know. I used to, when I was deployed, we would like dip the whole roll of toilet paper to make a little pile so the blue water didn't splash up. Oh my god. Interface? Yeah, you got to pilot it up so you don't, because that blue splash, stick to your butt hole and it makes you feel different all day. You can't just, you know what I'm talking about? You got to go home. You don't feel, you feel unclean. You can't wash it off. You got to go home. You got to go to bed. You got to take a shower, go to bed. You got to sleep in the bathtub. He's going to use one right now. He's going to use the porter. He doesn't know what they look like. Blue water. I got to see this shit. Have you ever shitted a Porto Pottie? I've never shitted one of them. Well I mean, it looks like you've shitted everyone that I've ever gone into. I got to tell you Red Band, those things are an absolute disaster. You do wonder when you see them you're like, who shit in this? Yeah. You really think that? The only reason to go in there.

1:06:02The shit? Yeah. I mean, you piss, you go, but like you say, you don't piss in a Porto Pottie. I'm not pissing them. Yeah. I'll tell you this. I've peed. I've gotten a boneroo and like music festivals and stuff when I was younger. I've peed in Porto Potties. I've pooped in Porto Potties. But what I have never done in a Porto Pottie is inhaled. A little fun fact. I'm like fucking David Blaine on that shit. I will, I will tell you. I'll go in. And I come out. I'm as blue as the water on the inside. I'm on my fucking bath bath. I'm scared like some of the shit gonna come up through the stream. Like it's gonna swim up from the peak. Like the blue's gonna climb the piss and then get the balls. Yep. And then you become a smurf. Yeah, again. No doubt about it. It isn't, oh, I literally, I'm like, yeah, yeah, exactly. I never believed in the COVID mask, but I will not inhale whatever the fuck's in there. You man, yeah, you really covered it.

1:07:07Where was the Porto Pottie that inspired this material? Was there a specific one out there? This was happening. This is me, cause I got opened up to you Tony. Absolutely. Give me a little Porto Pottie background music here. A little sum for the Porto Pottie music. We're pushing P right now. Little Porto. No, Red Band, come on. So we had through a crab boil at Carlos Sosa House, it was me, him, and Matt Mueller. And I had boiled a bunch of crabs and shrimps and stuff like that. And then I had left day house and then I went and I was getting drunk, you know what I'm saying? Not like that last dude. That nigga like me at 130 at Missies. You know what I'm saying? And it's only eight o'clock now. So I was walking. I took a lime scooter, but it ran out of power. And then when I was walking to my neighborhood, I had taken shit and I saw one. And then the black inside of me said, uh-uh. That's deep.

1:08:08Wow. That's deep. Wow. That was beautiful. You guys did it. I mean, imagine. You didn't do a saxophone solo from the crab boil? You did nothing. That wasn't inspirational. You inspired that man. That's what you know this nigga got like a castle that he lived in. That shit is like a Mexican castle. That shit was so fun. Did you really shit though? Did you end up shitting up? No. But I did. I did remember that I can't run fast. And so I did that. You started running? Oh, absolutely. You can run so fast if you got a shit. Like you could run as fast as a car if you got a shit. You can hop a fence. It's like all loving. I was actually really proud of myself. Wow. So, man, that's what I'm saying. Follow your dreams. You know what I'm saying? You can really, you can hold like some of you got out and I threw that stuff away. But I just... What time of the night was this? When the moon was up? Wow. Amazing.

1:09:08He was the impressive moon night. He goes off of Werewolf time, ladies. I'm like, I love it. So people just saw you. There could have been... There we go. I'd love to know exactly where your lime scooter died. How far of a distance was it? It was... Well, I didn't have to poop. It's like an off-the-line scooter. Me and Walk. Oh, yeah. Sometimes like cardio and caffeine will inspire you to have to poop. All right, let me... I'll do a song about it, Tony. Oh, shit. Man, come on. Guys, let's take these guys on a walk down Riverside Drive. We don't have no demand to see. You're on bass, too, these. But you know that. I was walking home from doing a crap walk on a couple days. Gorn and Shakespeare's. My belly's still in weird. It's starting to bubble up. Oh, shit, the bubblegum. My scooter just died. My foot makes hella bright.

1:10:10I had to poop. The emergency number two. If it happened to me, it can happen to you. You can run as fast as you say, bulted.susopony. That was good. I appreciate that one. That was an awesome job. Drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. Pleasure. What I want to know is how many people saw you running and called the cops. That's a tough life. They showed up, but I was like, I'm Joe Rogafran. The perfect. And they're fine. They're fine. Get them off the fucking ground right now and go shit, sir. I was like, I was like, they had turned around. I was like, oh, dark storm. And then he just put the gun back in office. That's how it worked. It's a perfect living. Ladies and gentlemen, Dedric Flan, every time. There you go. There you go.

1:11:11The one and the only. And back to the bucket, we go, everybody. We're having fun. Tonight we're flying through it. Hello there. Every week I watch people come up here and absolutely destroy their self-esteem. Unfortunately, Morgan and Morgan cannot help with that. But if you're actually injured because of someone else's negligence now, that's a different story. Isn't that the truth, Heidi? My goodness. Morgan and Morgan have been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. They've got more than 1,000 lawyers, 100 offices nationwide. And they've recovered over $35 billion for their clients. Red band. So if your car gets totaled, you get hurt at work or somebody else's bad decision becomes your very expensive problem, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Mm-hmm. No doubt about it. And let me tell you right now, you can go to FordThePeople.com slash Tony to start your claim. Their fee is free unless they win. And again, hurt feelings do not count. Let me remind you, they've won a lot of people, a lot of money.

1:12:14And it's not easy to make a lot of money these days. So go out there and just basically use them to make yourself some money. Find anything you can do. Make some money by using Morgan and Morgan. If you have to create your own situation, then do it. And use them. Make some money. Go to Morgan and Morgan. Go to FordThePeople.com slash Tony so that they know that we sent you and get yourself a little something extra. Not one gauge joke. Not one gauge joke. That is incredible. It seems as though the show is straightening up, ladies and gentlemen, perhaps we can keep it going. With the comedy styling, some pocket pool, Mark Donovan, everybody here comes to Mark Donovan. So guys, I just got back from taking a shit in a porta potty. I don't know if it felt great.

1:13:14I, not in the best shape. I've been trying to lose weight. Recently, I've been doing OK. I lost about 15 pounds last week. Yeah. Thank you. I can't find that dog anywhere. Yeah. And it was my brother's dog, which is, I mean, he's pissed now. Now I don't get to watch his other dog while he's at a town. So I lost his dog and I lost his trust. But I got my weekends back. It's not all bad. I work at lows. I sell flooring. Didn't know that was a joke. But I basically spend most of my day moving gigantic 50 pound bags grout, which is just this fine white powder that ends up all over my upper body. So I get home basically looking like I've just been titty fucked by a very dehydrated ghost. Yeah. And you know, that's all I got. Thanks. Mark Donovan, ladies and gentlemen, Mark, welcome.

1:14:16How old are you? 43. 43. How long have you been doing stand up? I've got about 50 sets under my belt. 50 sets. Yeah. It's taken about a decade to get that many. Because yeah. Because you're so busy with the flooring. Yeah. No. My first set, I wasn't really trying to do stand up by the friend doing it and wanted something to do with him. Nice. And that went great. So well that I didn't do it again for like five or six years. And what made you want to restart it? What made you want to do it yourself? Did your friends still doing it? No, not right now. OK, so no. No. Right. OK. No. The reason I started again honestly was, I don't know, I enjoyed it, even though I sucked at it. Yeah. And I just sucked it everything else. So I was like, why not? Absolutely agree. I'm 43 at an entry level job at Lowe's. Let's try something else. Why do you have that job? It was basically it was a job I got six months ago.

1:15:19And what were you doing before that? I had a window washing business. What happened near window washing business? I didn't like to sell. And it's hard to run your own business when you give yourself the day off every day. Right. So that'll do it. Yeah. Have you ever thought about selling Toyota? I hear anybody can do it. hadn't considered it, but maybe it's an option. What do you do for fun? You're 43. You have kids. You have a wife. You have anything? No kids. No wife. No family. No pets. No pets. Any plants? You have a cactus or something for Christ's sake? No, nothing. I am unencumbered. Wow. Fucking anything. You have a magazine or something? What do you got in this fucking place? How many roommates do you have? I don't know the exact answer. I just moved into the place a week ago. You don't know a ballpark of how many roommates do I have? I'm guessing four. I've seen. I mean, de-madness knows how many fucking roommates he has. How do you not know? I've seen three.

1:16:19I've heard a fourth while I know for sure. I'm never seeing the fourth guy. And there's like two other rooms in the house that are empty. So, man. Incredible. It's a great place. OK. So let's talk about it. How did your life end up like this? How did you end up being 43 and having the life of a 22-year-old Mexican boy? You were selling flooring at lows with a bunch of roommates and dabbling in some hobbies, like stand-up comedy. How did this happen? Tell us, because we had an Asian that survived a seven-year heroine habit that is doing better than you somehow. And he's gay as fuck, by the way. I didn't have to throw that in. I was just, I was just for my own entertainment. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with he's watching? I know what's wrong with me again, man. What the fuck's wrong with that? Honestly, there's no real answer. You didn't even do heroin for a few years or anything? I have the life of someone who's done a lot of heroin.

1:17:22Tell us about it. What is the day in the life? If we put your whole life together and mashed it into one median or mode or whatever the fucking right term is, day of your life, what would it be? You wake up at around noon, you make yourself a bowl of what cereal or something like that? For a while, it was cereal, then, fried rice. Would you say full island of cereal? For a while. Oh, for a while, the cereal. What's your cereal of choice? You seem like a cookie crisp guy. You seem like a guy that's just like, fuck it. I'm going to put milk on this dessert. Well, if you're eating cookie crisp, you might as well just have ice cream, but I usually go cinnamon toast, correct? Let me go to my cereal ice cream, just corresponding brine, Simpson here. How are you so happy? I feel like you're not sad enough, for example, of me, too. You see what I mean? Yeah. Because you've got so much joy for somebody that doesn't go on at all. Yeah, no, Tony, I don't got no money, no bitches.

1:18:22I don't got no hobbies, no friends. But I'm doing great. I know. You're not the first person to remark about that to me. And it is incredible. Honestly, it doesn't bother me. Of course it wouldn't. That's exactly as important. Look at you. You're happy as fuck. Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty content being by myself. I don't need other people. I sit around and watch TV, play video games. Yeah, I mean, you say. No big deal. Weep is good. OK. There's a little comedian in there somewhere. Mark, what else? I mean, there's got to be something. We're missing what kind of hobbies do you have or something? I used to play a lot of basketball. I basically would enroll in school just to be able to play five or six hours of pickup ball a day. Wow. Sometimes 10 on the weekends, how long ago was this? About two, well, I guess it was about two and a half years ago when I moved from Utah up to Dallas. I had been playing about five days a week there.

1:19:24What made you move to Dallas of all places? My family's in Dallas. So I was in Utah thinking about going back to school and then didn't. And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? What kind of family do you have in Dallas? Your parents? Parents. What are your parents? What do your parents think about you? 43. Cookie Chris. They are too okay with it. Right. They're just like you. They don't give a fuck. I guess. They're just happy as shit. That's where you get it from. Yeah. Probably. Sometimes I wish there would be like, fucking go anywhere else. Right. No, no, come back. Why are you leaving? I'm an old man. I need to be away. Absolutely incredible. Wow. This is amazing. This is amazing. I'm prescribing you Asian parents. You're right. He's unacceptable. You have to get it together. I think it could work. I need exterior motivation.

1:20:24Oh my goodness. We've never had anything quite like this. We've never had this level of content. Content. You just see him sell us shit at low. You like it. Hey. It's good. It's a floor. It's a floor. You're looking for a floor. That's a floor. It's a floor. You want wood, marble? Let's go from one to four. I give it a floor. It's not far off. Oh, my God. Time people come in looking to buy a floor. You just go, yeah, it's right there. Let me ask you this. Since the thing that we've noticed, and I got to give Simpson all the credit, one of the highlights of this show for me so far is him highlighting your unbelievable contentness with your life. Let me ask you this. What is a time in your life in which you have gotten passionately mad about something that really stood out to you? What does it take to wake the beast inside of there? I mean, it doesn't take much. I have a lot of anger. That's about the only motion I ever have. Oh, OK.

1:21:24Here we go. All right. It seems like I'm mad. I am really mad. Where's the cinnamon toast from? That does help. Oh, wow. Amazing. What's the most mad you've been lately? What's something that you're passionate about when someone... About, I guess, about four or five weeks ago, I was still up in Dallas. I applied for the position in Central Austin. And they didn't give me an interview because I lived too far away and they gave the job to someone else. I feel like you'd a type of dude to get pissed off anytime and there's like WNBA news. Yeah. Yeah. You have a throw at Dildo at the court, energies. That's what you have. You're that guy, aren't you? Oh, I'm not wasting those. You're the bandit. Oh, see, that's funny. There it is. We're back. There's a little something in there.

1:22:24There's a little something in there. I love it. All right, Mark Donovan. Well, here is a... Here's a... He's gonna be happy with it. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You thought I'd mess that way too long. A small joke, but for Mark Donovan. We're gonna keep it moving. The interviews tonight are fun. All right. Ooh, a lady. Fun. Make some noise to your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Beth Ann. Everybody here's Beth Ann. I had a friend tell me recently that when he first started having sex, he had to be high. When I first started having sex, I had to be unconscious. Yeah. It's okay. It's okay. To heal from my sexual trauma, I became a stripper. Hear me out.

1:23:25I'd find a guy and convince him that for $500, I could fulfill all of his wishes. I'd get him to that back room, no refunds. He said on his lap, look him dead in the eyes and whisper, so what's your first memory of shame? Maybe I'd add a daddy in there to keep the heat alive. I don't think this kind of manipulation is cruel, by the way. I know what men really want. I know what they're looking for. And in a place like that, they're asking for it. Thank you. Beth Ann, everybody, making her kil'ts-honey debut. Welcome, Beth. I'd like to keep the mic. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up, Beth? Since November of last year. What made you want to start then? I was asked to do stand-up for an album release party. Okay. I'll ask you to stop.

1:24:25She came, she was hired as a stripper. They're like, uh, can you tell jokes instead? Who asked you to do stand-up? I don't get it. I don't get it. Who asked someone to do stand-up for an album release party? My friend Tyler. Okay. How did that go? It went really well. And you've been- The room was my friends and the other half was Christians. Christians? Yeah. It was a Christian rock release party? Yeah. I talked a lot about drug addiction and most of the room couldn't make eye contact with me anymore afterwards. Why? Why couldn't they make eye contact with you? Because I was talking about being retarded on Xanax. Oh, okay. I'll wait. Well. Okay. All right. So let's talk about it, Beth. Are you still a stripper?

1:25:26Retired. How long ago did you retire? Five years ago. Five years ago. And when you retire, what did they do? Did they put your underwear in the rafters or something? So stupid. I don't know. Did they make you go halfway up the pole? You have to stay in half-mast. For a while. You're looking at me so seriously. What made you retire from stripping? How does one exactly retire? What did they club on mushrooms? And I realized what was really going on. When you say what's really going on, what was the understanding? What hit you that night that didn't hit you before? Well, I had a guy offer me $20 for sex. Welcome to my... Red band. Red band. Come on, red band. Grow up, red band.

1:26:27Hit it again. Hit it again, red band. Come on. Okay. So, wow. And that guy was like, you can come back. I got cinnamon toast crunches. I love it. I love it. 20 bucks. I want sex. I swear I'm from Mexico. I'm a Mexican man. Do you like chili chilies? What's the normal price? Like 40 or... Oh my god. Red band. You can't do that. You're objectifying a woman. She's out of the industry. What is the normal price, just other? Not getting them. $1,000. $1,000? Okay. All right. I would use three condoms at once. But... That's an interesting number. I love it. I love it. Okay. So, a guy offered you $20 for sex. You're on mushrooms. What goes through your head, exactly? It's not going to be funny. Perfect.

1:27:28Nothing else you set up here was either. So we're just going to keep it right where it's at right here. Live. This is Kill Tony. If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to. I just realized that given my history of sexual trauma that I was just putting myself in environments where I would continue to receive evidence that that was my... No doubt. A strip club would do that without a doubt. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. Okay. So what did you do five years ago after retiring from the strip club? What does one who has mastered the art of stripping do after that? I'm a life coach now. Oh. Perfect. Yeah. I'm fully qualified for that. In call, out call, red band. Red band. Red band. Stop it. That is unprofessional red band. Do you do out calls sometimes?

1:28:28Okay. So explain to us exactly how you started life coaching. Everyone wants to know who these life coaches are. Where do they come from? What's their background? What's their training? How do they have... I can't even... I can't even... I can't even... Yeah. Well, it's a drug addict to stripper to life coach pipeline. I started to realize that I couldn't really get guys who wanted to like do the strip club thing with me. But they did want to talk to me about their entire life story and all of their trauma. Right. So instead of being at a strip club, dancing, having guys offer you $20 for sex, now they come to you or you come to them. I work with women now. Oh, perfect. Perfect. And so what does the woman's life have to be like? For them to go, I need help. I'm going to go.

1:29:30I'm going to go with Beth Ann to help me get my shit together. Yeah, maybe they don't like themselves very much. Right. I don't experience that problem at one point. Of course. So can you give us an example of a time that someone needed coached and you coached them and they succeeded? Can you give us a piece of advice or whatever that you gave them? I was working with a teenage girl who had experienced sexual trauma and she was navigating some pretty aggressive, negative self-belief. Yes. Yeah. So I supported her in reclaiming that story. Nice. And finding a way to paint herself as the victor in this story. Well, that's good. That's great. Actually. Where's your wacky sound effect for that? Huh? What do you got there? Huh? What do you got? You just hit something. Hit anything. You're taking too long. All right, Red Band. Come on. You're a... He's a wild boy on these sound effects, Beth Ann.

1:30:32Beth Ann, what else about you before I get you out of here? Give us one more fun fact about the life of Beth Ann. Sure. You're an intimate and sexual trouble. You guys aren't interested in that? No, we are. We are. We were just trying to pretend like we're better than that, but we're really not. So what happened to you? Come on, tell us all about it. Tell us all about it. We're a bunch of terrible men. We need a light coach, Blah. So you want something interesting? Yeah, anything. Yeah. The stripper pass wasn't enough. So yeah, I mean, I have all sorts of hobbies. I just... You have any special skills or talents? Anything like a hacky sack or anything? Ping pong balls. Red band. Red band. You didn't have to say the ball's part. Maybe she plays ping pong.

1:31:33Yeah. He was on stage earlier, I think. Okay. I have a lot of hobbies. I like to disc golf. Oh, disc golf. That's a good one. Yeah, that's amazing. I love it. I love it. All right, Bethan. Well, I love it that you signed up tonight. We have all different shapes and sizes of people up here. What the fuck was that? What was that? D's was that you? Hey, Bethan, I'm going to toss this little joke. Okay, yeah. There you go. Oh, inside. Red band. Bethan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Bethan. Sign up again sometime. We'll see what happens here. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Shane Camp. Here comes Shane Camp, everybody. Hey, before I begin, is there a Glen here? A Glen? He's five foot eight. Brown hair, brown eyes, 180 pounds. No. I had to try.

1:32:35My name's Shane trying to quit smoking. They say one way of giving up a bad habit, you got to take up a new hobby. I took up searching for missing persons. So if you guys see Glen, you let him know I'm looking for him. I know it's not a great description. I'm not going to wear brown eyes, but this is Glen. He was last seen in 2009. Do I ever think I'm going to find him? Probably not. But if I'm not out there looking for him, who is? Absolutely hilarious, Shane. I'll be seven Glen, teach your step in the show.

1:33:38Shane, welcome. Hilarious. Have you been on this show before? No. Welcome, welcome. You're a funny man. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy regularly for four years. Four years. Where are at? Pensacola, Florida. Wow. And what has you stuck in Pensacola, Florida, exactly? Well, at age 18, I moved from Pensacola. To be famous in television and movies in New York City. I don't know if you've seen them. I'm not a single one. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So between now, you see, when I was 18, 2003 to 2007, I drove a yellow cab. Really, a young white man driving a yellow cab.

1:34:41It was one of the only ones. One other one. Wow. Was it Glenn? A Hollywood movie. What about the folks out there who talk with me about動画 and that guy, who Oz and Tom was the first one get focused on activist class out there and talked to everyone. Oh. Well, I had not thrown up too many times. And then I had a rich white woman make me cry. Ooh, how did the rich white woman make you cry? Well, she told me to take Central Park, which I took Central Park in my cab. She went through Central Park, so she waited a while, and I just hear from the back, what are you, idiot? Wow. And just that, no. But she went on just to beret. Are you a fucking idiot? And then eventually, I just pulled over as I get out of my cab, and I had tears coming down my eyes. And she tried to give me money. I said, I don't want your money. I said, what I did was an accident. What you did was mean.

1:35:45You're funny even when you're telling sad stories. This is incredible. He's an anomaly, folks. Wow. You are without a doubt the second funny ashamed in the world. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. So we have the story from 2000. Would you say seven to 2000? 2003, 2007. I lived there. I was working at the New York Comedy Club, and when I say working, open mics in front of other crazy people. Yeah, we know how that works. And then what? So you go back to Pensacola because you go broke. I went Pensacola. And then I went to Chicago after that to try and make it. And I didn't. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. I went broke. Went back home. How long did you, how long were you in Chicago? Three, four years. OK. Three or four years.

1:36:45Awesome city. And then New Orleans. And you were doing comedy in all these places. No, I gave up after New York. OK. What made you give up after New York? I hated myself. That's when you become a true comedian. I did get funnier after I started hating myself. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome, my friend. So no, it was when I gave up. You know, I left Brooklyn right before COVID, because I got hit by a car and got epilepsy. So perfect. That also makes you funnier, by the way. All of these things. So the brain injury helped. Yeah. Yep. It does. It helps. So when's the last time? So then you went to Chicago, then Pensacola, then Pensacola, you stayed mostly? Yeah, I've been at Pensacola, which actually, after COVID, had a crazy comedy opportunity. So there's a lot of open mics.

1:37:46And I actually got more stage time there than ever in front of regular folks. And you still live in Pensacola? Yes. How do you make a living? Do you just stand up? Oh, I've had like 40 something jobs. Oh, I love it. So right now is like cabinets. Cabinets. Yeah. So if you guys need a base 36 inch cabinet, I'm your gun. Wow. Technically, you could get your whole place done here at Killtony. We have flooring cabinets. You're leaving here with a brand new Toyota Camry. And Dan Suss in the back. A deck of homemade cards. Life coach. Congratulations. You have a new life coach, everybody. Is that out? Strip. All right. Um. Wow. Shane, how are you? I quit smoking to come here. My wife, the only way I would, I spent all my money to go to Madison Square Garden, both nights,

1:38:47and then to come here. So I have $100 left in my name, and it's totally worth it. Really? Wow. You were at both MSGs and didn't get pulled. You were up there the whole time. That's the way it goes. God, damn it. We needed you, especially fucking night too. Jesus Christ. You would have fucking brought the house down. And it would have been a whole story about how you failed in New York and went back. And then you made it in New York. Wow. God, dammit. We cry for us. Yeah. Yeah. Kino, give me the single spotlight here. Let's see if we can get this going all the way. So good. So good.

1:39:48I'm getting word. I'm getting word that Zach Efron wants you to be his new stand-in. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Wow. Shane, so interesting. How long are you in town for? As long as you want me to be. Wow. Look at that. That's amazing. Looks like I have a new boyfriend. Hello. If you're here at Thursday, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. South West, I'll be changing my flights. Yeah. Shane, if you had to guess how much stand-up, like a full set, the longest set you could do, how much accumulated material. If you had to just give me a ballpark of mine. My 15 is fucking solid. And are you writing at a good pace? Yeah. Every Monday, I try to write for the open mic there. And I try something new. Try to do something new all the time.

1:40:49But yeah, my solid 15 set is sharp. Where are you saying? Where are you going to stay for the next three days? We're going to figure that out. I got you. I'll get your hotel room. Yeah. Look at that. And you're real tears. Real tears. Yeah. Man, I'm glad I followed my dreams. It gets better than that. It gets better than that, Shane, because Brian Simpson is going to give you $100 to your go-funny. Yeah. You're going to double your net worth here. And on top of all that, you just want to go take it on Kill Crows. I can't help it. We need people like you, Shane. Crowds on their feet.

1:41:51Place is in our breakfast. Dreams are coming true. Good make it in New York. Good make it in Chicago. And he's made it here to make it in Madison, Texas. Fantastic sets. Great performance. Great interview. Everything about you is hilarious, Shane. Come back again and let us know when you want to come. Cash that in. Some things. This was great stay in my life. Amazing. You did it, buddy. You gambled on yourself and you were correct. You're absolutely hilarious. One more time for Shane Camp, everybody. Great fans actually cry. There's an actual tear in his eye. Yeah. All right. Someone's got to follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It is OG Rod Eccles, everybody.

1:42:51What's up? What's up? Like you said, my OG Rod Eccles, man. I just turned 60. Yep. Start wearing disposable underwear. Yes, sir. I gave the government 20 years of my life. I gave it to you. I gave it to you. I gave it to you. I gave it to you. I gave it to you. I gave the government 20 years of my life. I did six years in the Air Force. 14 years federal prison. I retired from prison, though. PTSD, post-traumatic sex disorder. Yeah. From no conjugal visits. Just got in here. I went and got me some animals. I tried some animals and later I said, I want to try some animals. She's like, cookies. I said, she, yeah. Don't I look like I like cookies? She gave me a bag of six cookies. I fucked them up. She said, stop. No. What are you doing? I saw me eating these fucking cookies. She said, no, son.

1:43:51That's not what you're supposed to do. I said, what do you mean? She's supposed to take a cookie, you break it in half, and you eat it like that. I look at the lady, I said, ma'am. Well, you haven't seen a fat mother fucker eat a half of cookie. That's my chat. Appreciate y'all. My goodness. Brian Simpson, your dad is hilarious. This is a segment on the show that I call Black Man Meets His Dad. It's a new thing we're doing here. I wanted to surprise you. I know you are wondering why I had you on tonight's show. This is Mr. Simpson. This is Homer Simpson. I love it. The first question, OG Rod Eckles. I don't want to sound racist here. But how much watermelon do you have to eat to dress like that exactly? I've heard you are what you eat, but you, my friend, literally look like a watermelon.

1:44:52To be frankly, I own a man's clothing store in San Antonio, Texas. It's beautiful. I like to wear my shit. I like to flex my shit. I love it. To be frankly, you look awesome. This is amazing. How long have you had fun? If you read Green Blan, I'm going to be invisible to you. You know you can't say that. Well, Demandis has no idea what's going on up here right now. I'll tell you that. He's red, green, yellow, Roy G. Biff. Let's put it that way. Well, I'm a retired Pimp for one, so I'm used to the swagger. You don't seem retired at all to me, my friend. You seem like business is motherfucking boomin'. Yeah. Amazing. How long were you pimping for OG Rod Eckles? Shit, I was pimping for quite a while until the... Me too. I'm just kidding, go ahead. I had to start charging surcharges for fuel. You know, gas went up on the motherfuckers. Oh, yeah, these motherfuckers I want to pay that shit. I want to start buying pussy with after payers shit. Yep.

1:45:52I ain't with that shit. Yep. Cash and hand. Yep. Are all your tricks life coaches now? Actually, they're not. I mean, you know, so one of my bitches, you know, she went down the floor and got a BBL, you know what I'm saying? She came back and I'm like, damn, bitch, when you get that ass from, she said she got a BBL. She went to Florida. I'm like, that's must've caused a lot. She said, you did. I said, well, how the fuck you gonna do that? She said they gave me a loan. I said, well, can a loan. She said they gave me a 30-year loan. I'm like, damn, bitch, you're 60. Oh, man. Fuck, they don't happen. Oh, my God. Go ahead. Never told us why you got locked up. Hey, I was in the pharmaceutical sales, you know. Like I tell you, you know, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. Actually, that's where I'm from. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The home of the... The cocaine fix and bitches turn tricks. You know what I'm saying? Hold my hose, you suck a golf ball through a garden hole.

1:46:52Yep. And for $20 more, they got a little pound in the nose. Wow. I'm glad you said $20. But then she got me caught up. She said she was charged with $1,000. Oh, hey, that bitch shit. That ain't no good pussy right now. I ain't no good pussy. She said in conversation. You know, they say in conversation, rude and nabed. That's my boss. Brian motherfucking sensitive. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Come in hustle and flow too. Amazing. I love it. Believe it. Believe it. Get a wood. Get a wood. Get a wood. All right. All right. We're going to set up the YouTube trademark thing. We can only do like five seconds of a copyrighted song on YouTube. It's all good. It's all good. OG Rod Eccles. I only have 75 more questions for you.

1:47:54I get it. I mean, you are amazing. So these hoes out there. Can you give us another example? Because we love a good story. All these people look at these faces out here. There's not a fucking pimping this room. We want to know. Because we know it ain't easy. We know. We've been told pimping ain't easy. It really ain't. So tell us. One of my hoes I had to get rid of. So the bitch called me. Yep. You know, the same bitch that got the BB-8. Of course. Old ass bitch. Old ass bitch. 60 year old. Yep. You need a car. How the fuck you get a loan for ass and you can't... You got a 300 credits go. I'm trying to trip up this shit. So the bitch called me a couple of days later. She said, Dad, I got this trick. I need a ride. I said, do you? She said, yeah, can you give me a ride? It's the call, Pat Turner. She said, who? I said, Pat Turner. She said, who is that? I said, bitch, pat your feet and turn the corner. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear.

1:48:54I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. When he started, I was like, hey, no, Pippa. No, I really believe you. Pippa, Pippa, that's what Memphis staff are. Making easy money, Pippa, holes in style. Everybody can win. Oh my God. Holy shit. God. Shit. Man, man, man. Oh, man. When you was a good luck fall, man, I'm gonna fall that shit. I'm gonna push this fall and bigger shit than that. That is amazing. Yeah. You are so interesting. Holy shit. We literally prison guards going, oh, shit. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. Put her belt lock down. That one fuckers on Phil Doty, bro. I feel like that cowboy come up to him and be like, he sold me some pussy and said,

1:49:54you fall. Yeah. Oh my God. You have any kids, OG Rodacles? I got kids. How many kids you got? I got five kids, man. I got three bisexuals. Oh, shit. One stud and one emotional ass son, man. I tell him, motherfucker, come on son, we're gonna go do some things. He said, not today, dad, not today. I'm like, damn, we just going fishin'. It's motherfucker's crazy, man. But you know, it is like it is, though. It is like it is, though. You are a bumper sticker machine. I gotta tell you. Everything you say sounds cooler than fuck. It is what it is, though. You make everything so cool. That is absolutely incredible. So six years in the Air Force, that's true, huh? What were you doing in the Air Force? Man, I was a hell-food inspector, man. What? Yeah. No way. Well, that's like me being a pussy inspector. That sounds unbelievable. It's right, it's right. Hey, how can you expect some pussy, too?

1:50:54Well, I bet you have. I bet you have. Let me ask you this, because you were, I could tell, six years in the Air Force, 14 years in prison, but I can tell when I see a man who's been a pimple, his whole mother fucking life. You better believe it. So let me ask you. You better believe it. I'm gonna push the survey out. You know, I'm gonna push the survey out. I can check this out. You know, I have beef with my lesbians, because if two punks together, they can tell what good dick is. If they ain't what good ass here. But how the fucking two lesbians tell what good pussy is by Siserin? In the edit, I want you to superimpose like all those, like all those numbers and math problems that are go over like Gallophinakis's head and that one meme. Just slowly zoom in on me and then put that up there. Come on, now I need to get me an asshole now. Can you answer that? I mean, as a personally, as a lesbian,

1:51:56I can tell you that... Smell! My goodness. Absolutely. I just want to go to a store. Oh, you know. You don't want to. That's a store where you're like, I don't know. I don't know if I'm in a really like anything else swing by here, just like loading the car. I'm the only person ever going that store and buy every small that he had. And Michael Gonzalez. I'll get Michael some matching clothes. Oh my God, absolutely incredible. You have a store? Is it like a real store? It's a store fronters. I have a real clothing school. Is this in a shed or something? Is it like on a... I got a... I got a pump clothes. I got a pump clothes. Oh my God. What's it called? Where's it at? What's it called? Upside fashion is in San Antonio Texas. I'm in San Antonio, Texas. I'm in San Antonio. In San Antonio, Texas, you know I need these zelper views. Give it me a ride. Upside fashion.

1:52:58Upside fashion. It's in the road in Oaxmá. It's in the mall? It's in the mall. Oh shit. Shit. My friend, we made it. And on top of that. On top of that. On top of that, I have a comedy club in the back of it. Wait, what? I have a comedy club in the back of it. And I run a series called Fashion Little Be Funny. Oh my God. My goodness. How many people can you fit back there? I can fit 65 people. You got chairs for those people? You got 65 chairs. You got Dan Wright. Oh my God. How many of those chairs have been thrown at hose when they must have been... I have one. Never one. That's what the hands for. You got to feel it for it to work. And then I recruit my hose in there. I recruit my hose in there. You know, high heels and dollar bills. That's what the whole thing is. Oh my God. He just did it again. He just did it again. He did it again. He stuck another one in on us. Goddammit. I love this guy. That would be him baby. I can't wait to get spent in the same tunnel. Yeah. Kill Tony, ain't for the phony. I'm a real motherfucker.

1:53:59Bitch. Ain't no macaroni again, damn. That's right. I do. I do. I also, um, but... Red band doesn't ought to spell upside or fashions. So we're in real trouble here. Upside fashions. Upside? Sighs. Like small, big tall. We got it all. I got the reviews right here. Tony, they all positive. Are you serious? Let me, let me, I gotta see this. Hold on, wait. No. No. Red band still doesn't have it. Amazing customer. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. We have found it. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm here to tell you this motherfucker sitting at up 4.5. Okay. Not a ya. Not a ya. Okay. Here we go. So. Let's read some reviews. I gotta tell you, they're all five star reviews except for what appears to be one.

1:55:01What I wanna know, just like you, is what's up with this bitch ass motherfucker? What is this motherfucker's problem? And I got, it's really hard to get. Probably one of my holes. Oh. It's from an Anthony Collins. You know a guy named Anthony Collins, money or something? There's one guy I just left to one star. Everybody else says nice people, very helpful. Friendly service. They helped my son pick out an outfit. They hemmed his pants on the spot and got him the shirt he wanted. I'm a tailor too. I do alteration. Oh my God. Is there anything you don't do? You got no jobs and Tommy do, God dammit. And then Tommy do? Tommy. Who's Tommy? Tommy from Martin. Come on in. Oh, I didn't even realize you were talking about my, I know a lot of Tommy's. Yeah, I'm a guy. That's a black program. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm all up in the black program. Oh, you're on the black program? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love the, you ever, I love black programs. You ever watch cops?

1:56:01I do. I do. I love, I do. I love, I get members in the home of the first 48, didn't you? I know. Absolutely. I know what all man, motherfucking young dog. Yeah. Preach. Yeah. Yeah, I'm from, I'm from Orange Mountain, eight ball, MJG. That's why I grew up bit, right? That's right. Orange Mountain, baby, eight, three, two round and three down. That's all I'm saying. I absolutely know. These hosel sets you up. But now these hosel's won't cause you got to have control of a bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's what a pimp is. That's right. That's an MP. That's a player in a management position. Sheila. Yeah. You know how to work that bitch? More, give me more. More. More. More. Get the work that bitch. She got damn right. You like to argue so I set that bitch to law school? Yeah. Exactly. I absolutely fucking love you, sir. I'm obsessed with you. Come back anytime. Sign up again. Big joke, book. You're the man, sir.

1:57:01Yeah. All right. One last fucking poll. One last fucking poll. Is this the fucking episode or what, huh? Big tonight is for your final fucking poll of the night. We know this guy. He works here. This is kind of crazy that he got pulled like this. It's amazing. Makes the noise for the great Grant Atcock, everybody. Fuck yeah, keep it going. Sorry if it seemed a little weird up here. I was almost late for my time up here. I was just outside smoking a cigarette when they called me. And homeless guy was talking to me. He asked me for some money, which is fine. But I said, sorry, man. I don't have any cash on me. And he said, you got to spend money to make money. So I was still trying to figure out what the hell that means. Yeah.

1:58:01He was wearing a New York Jets jersey. That guy's had a tough life. I'm trying to get better at small talk. Fellas, you can't be really late to this. You guys over here. Hey, man, more than two shakes in your playing with it. You guys over here, that more than two shakes in your playing with it. So I'm going to say that to me earlier when I was taking a piss. He was like, hey, man, more than two shakes in your playing with it. I had a telling brother, I'm beating my dick over here. Absolutely. Hilarious. What a smooth, back half of this episode. My goodness. I'm nervous for everybody as they come up here. This is absolutely incredible. Grant, what a fantastic set.

1:59:01Good to see you again, my friend. How are you? Good to see you guys. Yeah. One of the true humble, amazing comedians here at the mothership. You're absolutely crushing, Grant. What's going on in life? It's been a while since we've seen you. Just high heels and dollar bills, basically. That's right. God damn it. Same bitch that claims she loves you. She will set you up. Out here on these streets, there ain't no such thing as luck. This show started gay and then just went pimp. The trajectory is amazing. We have range here. Tony has range. He can be gay. He can be a pimp. Absolutely incredible. Grant, tell us more about your life. What do we not know about you? Give us something interesting out here. You are a true comedian. You're a hilarious guy. You have a podcast with the great Pat O'Neill, Kilt Odie, a royal killer. Great guitar, it's everything.

2:00:02It's been good. Been trying to smoke more weed. Hell yeah. Been trying to smoke more weed to help with my anxiety and my paranoia. Can you guys stop talking about me? That was a bitch, right? No, we love that. We love bits. They work. When they work, they're great. And that worked. Grant. I love it. It's like a hybrid of Nor McDonnell and Shane Gillis. Yeah, mine. Yeah, it's a funny guy. Are you Irish? Yeah, you see my Irish as fuck. Hell yeah. I love it. You drink a lot. Love drinking, man. I love drinking, man. I love drinking. I love drinking. I love drinking. I love drinking. I love drinking. I love drinking. People actually tell me I drink too much. And I tell them all the same thing. I say, give me my fucking keys. Amazing. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Grant, how long you been doing stand up? I've gone on like, uh, spread like seven years. Seven years. Where are at? Where was all of it at? I started in North Carolina.

2:01:03Then I did. I was in North Carolina. I was in North Carolina. I started in North Carolina. Then I did it. It's probably like two mics there. And then I went to Alabama for a little bit. Did it for like nine months? And I've been here for the rest of the time. So nice. And tell us about your adventures here. Because you work here now. Yeah. And how long has that been for? Going on like three years. Were you at Vulcan before? No, no. What were you doing before that here? I was a manager in a coffee shop. Out in West Lake. Wow. Slinging bean out in West Lake. Is it the... I was being slinging pal. Yeah. Absolutely. But then I worked at a sunset trip for a long time. Nice. Hell yeah. I love it. What was the West Lake coffee shop? Civil goat? I was called a coffee shark.

2:02:03Whoa. Never heard of it. All right. Yeah. Does it good? It doesn't exist. I was the last manager I think. There you go. That's how you know you're good at what you do is when they have to retire the place after you're done. It's never going to get better than this. We're out of all the essentials all the time. I was like, fuck man. I'm sorry. Amazing. Amazing. And you're getting spots here all the time, right? It's been all around town and shit. It's been a lot of fun. This is yeah. And your blow up place. You're blowing up. You're so funny that you're doing a podcast with Pat O'Neal. He's fucking insane. He is. He's the absolute man right now. Grant, congratulations. I mean, unbelievable set, Red Man. I love to have you back at the sunset. Fuck you. A singer, so. Here. Here. Grant, congratulations. So much fun. Here's a big joke book. Fuck yeah. There you go. Grant Ad Pop Ladies and gentlemen. Very funny man.

2:03:04Very funny man. Speaking of funny man, he does a podcast with literally, it would appear to be on what seems to be everybody's. I mean, my favorite comedian in the world to watch right now, an absolute fucking anomaly. He is a freak of nature that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. And we're just excited to see him again. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. I present to you the real deal. Pat O'Neal, everybody. Thanks. I don't have a bidet. Just a dog. Oh, school, you know. We don't need technology for everything.

2:04:05A little bit more about me. I love chicks that are into anime. Because in my experience, it's always far easier talking your way into the pants of a girl with a mind of a child. Last week I heard this fat chick say she's having a hot girl summer. I was like, I fucking bet. Make a drop Siberian. Okay, thank you. Today's that fucking Christ people.

2:05:07It's the anomaly. The real deal. Pat O'Neill has without a doubt. Done it yet again. I'm in front every single week coming out with the absolute strongest, craziest, most diabolical punchlines and shaking the room. I mean, it is just absolutely amazing to watch. Welcome, welcome. How are you, buddy? You're so, you're so, you're so, you're so fun to see and look at. I've never heard that before. I know, it's just, I mean, every week. I literally think it every week. Every time I've ever turned from this way to that way, I'm like, ah, so fun. Where do you get your shirts, by the way? Your shirts are out of control. Well, I get them from an upsized fashion in San Antonio. I tend to buy a, it's a pimps repertoire, if you will, Tony. I tend to do a tight five in the back.

2:06:08We do a little stand up there and I buy a pimps shirt. Where do you get these wild shirts from? And I'm just saying that looks cool. This is what it's called, hoodie lab. Oh, wow. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. It's crazy. They look cool on mushrooms. I buy whatever looks cool on mushrooms. He just puts zanian in the search bar. Oh, oh, man. I'm just looking for San X, what I did. Oh, you are a fucking machine, Pat O'Neil. How's life? Anything different this week? Anything crazy? I was pumped to see Grant just get pulled. My trusty podcast partner, fucking. That was great. Traveled some of this great country bars with Martin Phillips and Hans Kim. Oh, God. And I wasn't the one driving. Whoa. Uh-oh.

2:07:08Which one was? Somehow Martin is the best one for the job. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Incredible. So in the situation like that, you three in the car. Are you, do you ride shotgun or do you ride in the back? Oh, I was in the back. Nice. Yeah. That's the safe spot. Yeah. It's care to make eye contact with them. Just keep looking at them and they're like, nah, you ain't put me in that world. What the fuck? I've never seen anybody do a Pat O'Neil impression before. I mean you don't have to. I don't enjoy mirrors either. I like to live like that. Oh my God. Hey. Hey. Hey! Oh my God, we must protect this man.

2:08:08If you ever see Pat O'Neill out there on the streets, you make sure nobody messes with him. Make sure you walk him with him from 0.8 a point B. We must protect this man. Thank you. That's what I'm doing. I'm making every Killtony fan your security any time they see you. They might actually be the ones that kill you, but. We need any matter. We need to keep you safe. We must protect you and your brain. Thank you. Every single week, unbelievable. You centered again. One more time for the great Pat O'Neill. Thank you. Wow. What a fucking episode. Do me a favor, everyone. After this episode's all done, go watch. Go straight to Gary Owen.live and go watch this man live. Please, for the love of God. He's coming to a city near you. Truly, I swear to you. As you can tell from this episode, truly one of the funniest fucking human beings in the world. It was such an honor to have you here tonight, Gary.

2:09:08Like I said before, I brought you out. I've always wanted you on this show since I was a door guy at the comedy store. Before I even started this show, you've always been one of my favorites. One more time for Gary Owen, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Simpson is the mother fucking man. His special. It was on Netflix. Ran for its two year licensing deal as so many of them do and is now crushing it on YouTube. Remind me the name of it one more time, Brian. The name of your special. Live from the mother's ear. We filmed it right here on this stair. That's right. We already have 300,000 viewers. Help me wind up by the foot of the... Thank you. So you know what to do. You go to Gary Owen.live by Ticket. See if he's coming near you. And then you go to Brian Simpson YouTube slash Brian Simpson comedy. You go to Brian Simpson on YouTube. Yeah. Type in Brian Simpson live at the mothership. Watch his special. And now you have that homework. And more homework for you. 926 Dallas.

2:10:09October 17th. Houston. You're getting your own kiltonies. Congratulations. November 13th, 14th. In Las Vegas, Nevada. That's two episodes of kiltony live. Every episode, of course, different back to back. And then New Year's Eve here in the greatest comedy city in the world. Austin, Texas. I mean, look. Look. What's this fucking name? Shane Camp. Had to go to fucking New York, Chicago. And he made it here tonight. He's a superstar now. So follow him. He is supposedly on social media at Shane Camp Comedian 558. I'm pretty sure that's his Wi-Fi password or something like that. Oh, Shane Camp Comedian. Oh, OK. Red Ben. Check out SunsetStripATX.com. Secret Show every Thursday. Oh, yeah. We love you guys. God bless this audience. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

2:11:52Please, let's go.