#784 - YAKOV SMIRNOFF + ARI MATTI

0:00Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey y'all, it's time for another huge Killtony ticket drop. And it is happening on the 9th of September at noon. You can get tickets starting on September 21st all the way through December 28th. Again, those tickets, all for the mothership, all for the Mondays at the mothership. Go on sale on the 9th of September at noon, central, standard time. Good luck.

1:28Hey, this is Remind, coming up on the Comedy Mother's Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony. Get out of our Donny, it's Glow! Who's the ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Make sure to bring right behind you the job man. And the best damn band in all the land. That's the Killtony band right there. And this is the one and only demadness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen.

2:40Oh, Lordy! Another banger ready for you here tonight. This is it, welcome everyone to the number one live podcast in the world. We did it. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's show possible. Hi everybody, Killtony is sponsored by Blutew. So you want to make your bedroom noisy again? I know you do, you little freaks. Because right now the only noise in your bedroom is that app with the rain sounds, thunderstorm, babbling brook. Come on! Give your neighbors a reason to remember your name, wake up and get to work. Blutew, gold gets it done. Four ingredients and a single tablet to get you hard and to get you in the mood. Get up and stay up. Viagra had a nice run. But Blutew, gold is the goat now and here's the beautiful part afterward. You'll either sleep so well that no leaf blower on earth can wake you or you'll be having morning sex. So how the gardener asks you to keep it down.

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4:42You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. There's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtonysupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Every single week, I booked this puppy just the way I like it. And my god is this one special. You know, sometimes it's the dogs. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's a little bit of a, you know, maybe it's a little hip. Maybe it's a little old school. Maybe it's a little this, a little that.

5:43Maybe it's a fucking couple celebrities. Maybe it's a couple of the top young guys and comedians in the world. This one is so special because one of our guests is an actual fucking super legend. Tonight show multiple time. These four US presidents have hired him to perform for him. I could go on and on. Over six million people have gone to his theater in Branson, Missouri. And I mean a fucking legend. It's a comedy store guy. He has not only his name on the wall, but he has one of the, I think, ten big neons up there with Richard Pryor, Robin Williams. All of these super legends. He's one of those guys from that era. And he's here tonight for the first time ever. And I've matched him up strategically with truly the biggest, fastest top rising comedian in the world. A man who has, there's nothing that can stop his trajectory from being the next big arena

6:50comic. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight are Yakov Smyrnaf and Ari Matini. Oh my god. Oh yeah. Oh my god. What a duo. Last week I had the number one white urban comedian in the world, Gary O. And a black man Brian Simpson. And tonight to show you the diversity of our bookings, I have the number one Russian comedian of all time, Yakov Smyrnaf. And the number one Estonian comedian of all time, Ari Matini. This is Kill Tony.

7:51We are doing it tonight. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. I'm so pumped about it. Yakov Smyrnaf has his own, this is a fucking guy. Most of these comedians, they fucking waste their money. They have a big pop. They go, they blow all their money. They fucking have drug problems. This, that not Yakov. He went and invested in beautiful Branson, Missouri, a giant theater. The Yakov theater and over six million people have gone in and out of those doors. How long has that been open, Yakov? I had it now for 30 years. 30 years. Yes. And I, you know, was performing in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe, everybody knew me as a Russian comedian. And then the Soviet Union collapsed. And that was not funny then. David Letterman had a top 10 list of things that will now change.

8:52I made number one on the list. Yakov Smyrnaf will be out of work. Six months later, there was no contracts renewed. And I started looking for a place where they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed. I ended up in Branson, Missouri. They still don't know. I'm not telling. Yakov, I'm so happy to have you here with the great Ari Matty of all people. And absolute future Kyltoni Hall of Fame. And the fuck is he's on tour all around the country as is Yakov. And things are very good. Ari, welcome back home. I love it so much. Everybody thinks I'm Russian too, you know? That's, is that good or bad? It depends on the, I'm as Russian as I need to be, you know? The dark of the alley, the thicker the accent.

9:55There is problem. But when I'm at immigration, I'm like, hello! Nixon 12! It's good to be home in America. Yakov, welcome. This is your first time on the show, first time on panel. You probably get it though. I pull a name out of the bucket. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you're the sign of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Absolutely perfect. Over 250 people signed up tonight. I'm going to let this guy whose eyes are way too close together. Pull the first hand out of the bucket. It's unbelievable. Of course. This guy's like a fucking cyclops over here. It's absolutely incredible. Absolutely amazing. So wrangle that first bucket pool. I'm excited that our first comedian tonight while we go wrangle that first one is literally one of the newest golden ticket winners on the show. In fact, his debut just aired last week.

10:58And he's cashing in already on his first ever golden ticket appearance. So this is the second ever minute. Make some noise for him. For Steve Francois, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. I was raised in a toxic era back when Democrats hated blacks and gays. Homophobic ran rampant. I said that the other day at a show and some gay dude got scared. I was like, bro, I'm going with the phobia. You don't know how words work. I was like, gee, I'm worried about my butthole. But like, nah, when you like a dude, right? And you would love you to do some gay shit. You get me. You feel me? Like when you like a girl, you be talking to who you start laying on your belly kicking

11:59your feet like this. Gay shit. You get me. But like when you really, really lover, do some real gay shit. You suck your dick and you kiss her right after. You even hesitate. You like, gobble gobble, give me that dick, y'all. Ah, ah, ah, ah, give me my dick, y'all. I love you, baby. So. Hell yes. Steve Francois. Absolutely exactly a minute. This guy came down on the dock. Absolutely 60 seconds. Welcome back, Steve. How are you? I'm chilling, murder. How are you? Amazing. And anybody who doesn't is straight disrespecting me at this point. Holly, yo, volet. I love it. I love it. I love it, Steve Francois. You look fucking fantastic tonight. I don't know what corpse is missing a suit right now. Awesome. That's it. Yo. There is a, there is a, in a funeral home, there is a naked man in a coffin right now.

13:05Check me. Yo. So murder. Yeah. Old racist white dudes got the best gear, bro. Yeah. They got the best gear, brother. And like even like the poor ones too, like the nascar shirts and the wrestling t-shirts go for big money on you. Oh, fucking e-bay, bro. That's right. Absolutely. And also if you dress terrible, hit me up, yo, I got you. You are a fashionista, some would say. You are a man of great swagger. Saying it's just a Haitian thing, bro. It's a Haitian thing. Absolutely. I mean, what else are the Haitians known for? I don't know much about them other than the dogs and the cats thing. We, we, we, the only black people, we though actually not even black people, we were the only people ever in the world to free themselves from like to self liberate. Oh, shit. The only people ever in the world to ever do it. Who wanted you? Ah. It was the French. It's easy, it's easy to get away.

14:06You don't even need to get the fuck out of here. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah, let me tell you. They're like, hey, we left the gate open. Yeah. But let me tell you how fly we are. Like Polish was supposed to come fuck us up. And they came and they're like, yo, these Haitians is real chill. Now we got like Haitians with green eyes and shit because they never left. Wow, beautiful combination. So I'm saying, bro. That is incredible. I always like y'all about to make some baby. Polish and Haitian is not exactly like, you know, a killer combination. Right. Yeah. The Polish are the Haitians of Europe. Yeah. You just bought the pants. You're on the 10th. He's like, you just bought the people. He's like, you're both late and I'm a thief. Fuck. Yeah. Not that smart, either. Lowest SAT scores in the world, but the most beautiful eyes. I mean, where else can you see a black person with green eyes? Not shit. Like we all like Haitians and America, we'd be killing it, Jay. What are you guys doing?

15:06Like my nieces like nurses, bro. You're what? My nieces, the nurses. They're nurses? Yeah, bro. Are they like real nurses? Or do they do like do do and heal you or something like that? No, they're like, and why you type shit? You got cancer, they sacrifice a goat. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. We didn't leave Haiti to not fuck around. You know what I'm saying? You leave Haiti. You got to do some shit. Like, have you been to Haiti? Geez. Oh, T murder. Come on now. Have I been to Haiti? Oh, I mean, when I was a baby, but you know, it's been a while. Whoa, if you know that song, you're not Haitian anymore. Oh, bro. Come on. You're straight American. That's on the citizenship test. You got to know that, Ari Maddie, when you finally take this American test. It's been a while since I. What did you just like? Honestly, I don't know. You know? No. I don't know, but what's interesting, being in American,

16:10my wife is from Ukraine, and she just became an American citizen, and she studied so hard for this test, and she aced it. And I decided I'd been in America a long time. I should take it as well. I took it then. I failed. Wow. Wow. Proves that now I'm real amiss. Yeah, exactly. It's true American. They have to update that test, too. I picked that, too. It's like, that test is really hard. I had a mom. Yeah, like that's about real shit. It's a real fucking hard test. Damn. It is? Yeah. I'm amazed that you have a Ukrainian wife. That's kind of naughty for a Russian guy to have a Ukrainian wife. You guys look adventurous. Yeah. That's what we call hate fucking. No family reunion must be fun. And you have a one-year-old, is that right? I do. 75 years old, he has a one-year-old. Oh, god.

17:11Look at that. God bless, Tom. Good work. Say, in the fucking. I love it. I grew up near Chernobyl, then. Oh, that's how I got it. You got that nuclear dick? Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's a bull. I love it. Steve Francois, way to get the show started. My friend, thank you very much. Thank you very much. All right. Here we go. First bucket pool of the night ladies in general. And the show begins with the comedy stylings. We're going to meet them all together. Again, this could be the future. All of our stars we found out of this bucket. It could be the future superstar. It could be a crazy person that didn't prepare at all. But we're going to give them a shot. Put your hands together for Frank McGaw. Oh. What's up, Austin? You doing OK? You look lovely.

18:11Free my homies out of Penn State. They didn't do a damn thing wrong. But I will say, I've been in Austin. Give her take two years. And it's crazy as hell. I've watched Turtle Racing the other day with a girl that I met on a hinge. I would later find out this is true story that she was a bookie. And I lost $292 on Turtle races. I had no anticipation on telling that joke. Sound really joke. It's just a story. But I guess it's fine to say one thing is I'm so grateful for all of you. And especially you, Kill Tony. Thank you so much for everything that you do. And the platform in which you've given me, I toured with Donnell Rollins last year. And it was just the craziest experience of my life that really was. He's a good dude. Despite our different ethnicities, he's good. But I love all of you.

19:11Wow. Frank McGaw, ladies and gentlemen, with 60 seconds plus. Frank, I mean, you think me. I love this show. He's a lovely message. Fuck you. It's so much better than the last time I was up here. That's what's crazy is I remember you because I remember absolutely seething. I remember hating you so much. I'm fed. And then you come out tonight and you go, what's that Boston? You waste time. You go, you look great. No joke. You saw, I've been a... What would you say about two years? You've lived here for two years. I've lived here for two years. I saw this girl that went to a Turtle race. This girl's a bookie. I lost $250 Turtle race, no joke, no joke, no joke. I'd like to thank you. You called me the name of the show. I'd like to thank you, Kilt Tony, for the platform that you've given me. And then nothing, nothing.

20:11More nothing. I have nothing after that, no notes after that. I remember when the show was a bunch of crackheads coming in from California. I was listening. I remember when there was a bunch of spoiled white kids that didn't take the most of the opportunity because it's happening right now. You didn't do anything, Frank. Are you doing stand-up other places? Yes, a little bit. A little bit. It seems like a very little bit. Let's check out with Yakov Smyrna. I'm still stuck on the Turtle race. How long does it take? If you parlay them a lot longer than you would think. Maybe 15 to 30 seconds. To a Turtle race? It's a very short distance I'm guessing. Yes, yeah, yeah. OK, well, there's a great opportunity for jokes in that. Yeah, next time. Next time. Next time.

21:12Oh, I love it. Oh, Yakov already gets it. You're in it, buddy. I mean, I just don't understand. Like you had a minute, the platform that I've given you, and you understand the mission, right? Sure. The jokes that I'd written down were just garbage. And so. So why are you doing this to yourself? Because I had a minute planned out. And as soon as I saw you all, I was like, no. There was something about the way this audience looks. Are you talking about this black woman right here? Is that what you're, I saw you look at her specifically. What do you mean you saw? You saw this crowd almost all, basically, good looking. I mean, this actually is a good looking crowd. But it's like just a good looking crowd. Little mixture of kind of everything. And you saw them. What were you expecting to see for you to do the material that you prepared tonight? What would it have taken? What would you have had to look out there and see exactly? What would they have looked like?

22:14Yeah, look at this. Make you a kind of a view on these people. Get a reverse shot. I mean, it's pretty. It's a pretty crowd. It's a funny crowd. Good looking crowd. There's a guy with horns for some reason on a hat. That's fucking weird as shit. But that's what the liberals think the whole crowd would look like. It's just crazy people. These people are all retarded. Dude, I don't even want those as fans. Oh, well, there you go. Great stuff, guys. As I talk about how people think my fan base is retarded. Don't worry about it. I knew it was bad. The black girl did it. It was the black girl, by the way. Do we have the police here? Whoa, that's a joke. I know this guy's like, whoa, that's rude to say to a black woman. What was that? You just get. You said something in the audience. I went, ha, ha, ha. I don't understand what's happening. You're looking at you. What are you doing? Why are you looking at me like I'm the one being weird? It's silly.

23:14It is silly. It's comedy. It's funny. It's like comedy. I just, oh, I know. Oh, okay. This fucking guy. He's like, you're like a guy that goes to a playground to bully kids. No joke book. Get out of here. There goes Frank McGo. No, don't, Frank. Don't do it, Frank. I know. Let's get Frank a year off. Tell him to take a year off on his way out of signing up. No signing up for a year for Frank. Make it count next time. Are we okay over here, guys? You got glass? It's all good. It's all good. Stop picking it up, sir. Stop doing what you're doing. Have the black woman do it. Just let no, no. Don't do that. Just let a professional come over here. Whoa. It's a lovely, high knee, everybody. There we go. There's someone with a broom and a dustpan.

24:17We have the professionals on it. Maybe we need a napkin. But another drink. We're going to need another. What was that? Is that a... Oh, is that guys? The fucking pedophile. The guy from every pedophile bus video, by the way. Look at this fucking creep, is it? Oh my god. Catch him in the new movie about a... What's his name? Sweet tea, Chris Hansen. Yeah. Cookies and sweets to you over here. This is the kind of guy that would bring his kid to one of those meetups. He'd bring his own child to a... All right. That guy looks exactly the same as the other pedophile. There are a lot. There's a lot of pedophiles. There are a lot of pedophiles. You know what? Now that I look out at this crowd, I think I'm going to change everything I was going to do tonight. I had something prepared for you guys. But now that I see the crowd. Uh-huh. All right. You know, calling a business only to get a voicemail that sounds like it was recorded a decade ago usually ends with an immediate hang up.

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26:20If you're first six months, when you go to Quote.com slash Killtony, that's Q-U-O.com slash Killtony. Ladies and gentlemen, your second bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Ian Sharp, everybody. Here we go. Hey, hey, guys, dude, and are you feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great. You want to know why? Because I had sex. Thank you. Thank you. Not like recently or anything just before, you know? You guys ever have sex before or anybody? It's weird, isn't it, right? It's weird. Like people call it making love, but turns out, you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them. You just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know? I was with this girl, and I really loved her. But I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, you know?

27:20Like I was making the normal sex noise. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Gosh darn it, yeah, you know? Things ladies like to hear. Her noises were different, though. They were more like, oh, hey. Hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just want to be friends after this. Phil, has you ever been friends on the inside of someone before? All right, thank you. Ian, sir. Welcome, Ian. Is this your first time on the show? It's my third. Oh, OK. It's been a while. Yeah, it has. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on standup? About 15 years. Wow, 15 years. Where are at? Mostly out of Chattanooga, Tennessee, but I've been here for the past two. Nice. How are you enjoying Austin? Oh, I love it. I love it. It's great. You get all the time in the world you want to do. So it's great. Yeah, a lot of stage time here. What else do you do? What do you do for work, Ian? I work in IT. I do help desk stuff. Yeah, thank you. Wow, ladies.

28:21Very excited about IT. What an exciting life she must live, everybody. The lithium settled for a second so that you could applaud being in the IT industry. Anyway, Ian Sharp, what do you do for fun? For fun? Happy. I play a lot of D&D. I live stream video games. I do get all the nerdy stuff. Oh, my goodness. Gracious Redbin. You must be hard as a rock right now. That's an absolutely incredible Dungeons and Dragons. Online gaming. What kind of online gaming are you doing? Oh, I've got into Elden Ring recently. That game is incredible. Wow, I'm surprised that you got into it recently. Yeah. You look like you could have made that video game with your imagination. It is. It was right up my alley. I should have got into it sooner. Absolutely incredible. So out of everything that I've learned about you, I don't believe that you've ever had sex before. Was that fiction? Was that fiction? Or are you just making it up?

29:21Or I mean, I like to be a man of mystery. So if any of these ladies in the room here tonight want to figure that out, I don't know. No, I don't know. That's probably not good. I'm a man of mystery. I'm probably a man of mystery. You never know. I probably show up. Only works at a residence. Oh my god. Renaissance festival. Wow. Great stuff, Red Man. Definitely. Talk more. Anyway. So Ian, let's just get real here for a second man of mystery. When is the last time you actually had sex with a woman? About a year ago. A year ago. So was here in Austin, Texas? Yes. And just take us on the adventure, if you will. Do you meet her out and about? Are you at a bar? Are you on a dating app? How does it go down for Ian? Sure. So this is a good story. I got booked on a show. I did the show. And then the girl that was the loudest drunkest person, great start, was like, she was like, hey, I want to suck your dick tonight. And I was like, well, that sounds like a good deal.

30:22Wow. She told you that? Yes, she told me that. That's it. Did you do like a dungeon and dragon's like, well, I didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up at all. Wow. And to them, what happened? Then we got in my car. Yaka Fazikwa. He didn't bring it up. How did you have sex? I mean, it was difficult. It was difficult. We got in my car. So we got in my car and we went to a gas station parking lot and had sex in the back seat. Oh, my God. OK. Now I have more questions. That's a big car, huh? What kind of car? That was my next question. I got to know what kind of car it was. Believe it or not, Tony, it's a Kia Soul. Wow. That's unbelievable. Kia Soul, as we know, that is a small car. That is the horn of a Kia Soul.

31:24If you ever hear that, you're about to get hit by a Kia. That's the actual horn. That's incredible. All right. So there you guys are doing the old clown horn in the back of a Kia Soul. Now, is this a bigger lady? Is she a little thick like you? She's about the same size as me. Whoa. Wow. I mean, OK. Now I got to know what gas station was it. And what was the exact date? Because I need the security footage from this ship. Well, as we were pulling out, I did notice on the other side of the parking lot, there were cops parked there. So we were so lucky. Yeah, super lucky. The cops are probably like, let's just stay in our fucking cars. Let's do it. What? What? Dad, it's a cold churrence. That means you got lucky? Confused. OK. So I mean, holy shit. So it's you and another thick little lady in the back seat of a Kia Soul. And I mean, is she on top of you,

32:24or do you guys try to do like missionary position? Well, we... Oh! There you go, Red Band. There he is. Stick to the soundboard, buddy. Unless you're going to go to the red, Where we're running a thorns fair. So we tried a lot of different things, and it's like, we tried a lot of different things. You tried a lot of different things. Thank you so much. Oh my god. What's wrong? It smelled the worst. Okay, red band. Oh, red band. Come on. Her. Oh, come on. So you say you tried different things. Come on, take us through. Take us through the adventure here. I mean, we were two, you know. I mean, generously sized people, and not so generously sized cars. So it was really like, it was like playing Tetris, but the level was too small. We were trying to figure out exactly how to make the math work. And it, I'll tell you, it wasn't good sex. Right. OK, let me ask you this about how long does it last from insertion to completion? A lot of mush just.

33:27I didn't really keep track of time. Just a ballpark. At one point, you bang your own titties by accident. Just so much fucking stuff. Maybe 30 minutes? Maybe. Wow, that is long. You're a fucking machine. 30 minutes, multiple positions. Look at this police officer looking like, I got a dammit. We should have done something that night. You're just going to let this guy film a full on fucking porno length. They got to get their cut, too, you know? Wow. I don't think they want that cut. OK. So let me ask you this, condom or no condom. Why didn't have one on me? And it was after a show. So we did raw dog it. Wow. Absolutely incredible. That's a manual. OK, dude. Final question. You ready for this? Here we go. Did you pull out? Yes. OK, where did you shoot your load? Turns out I had another question I didn't tell you about.

34:29Well, she requested it on her face. So I did it. Are you serious? How are you doing this in a KSO? I told you it was hard. I wouldn't be able to do this with a girl my size in a KSO. I get, OK, we are faced. It's incredible. This is you'd have to be on the back window, just fucking. I told you it was a good story. Again, the police are literally like, let's just not done. Let's go beat up a black guy somewhere. We don't want to. What's it we want to do is get in between these two pigs and the broad-dogging in the back of a fucking goat cart. Holy shit. I mean, that is absolutely incredible to find out that you had car sex in a Kia soul of all things. The magic of stand-up, dude. You kill on stage. Anything is possible, dude. It's amazing. I have charisma, I don't know. It's amazing. You keep it. It's the first time a Kia soul's knock on into an accident and got totalled at the same time. This is amazing. That car is unsellable after this.

35:32I mean, can you imagine? Last off in her face. I mean, you know, I'm a gentleman. I do what she asks. OK, OK, OK. And then did you like, what did you grab to wipe her off? She ate it. Yeah, yeah. Red band, red band. Seriously, just relax, red band. Did she do like a like a... I think I had a shirt or something, you know? Yeah, a shirt. A shirt or a cookie. OK, you had an extra shirt. Is it your Kia soul or was it hers? It was mine. Wow, OK, that's good, because I was afraid she was going to have to drive afterwards with commoner eyes. But this is good. So did you drop her off? And I'm sorry, Yakov. By the way, Yakov's like, what the fuck? I thought I was going on the biggest show in the industry. This shit's fucking disgusting. I know. Sometimes we get a little wacky here. It. I, yes. LAUGHTER But then again, I was roommates with Andrew Dice Clay. So... Yeah. So this is Pete G. Exactly, exactly. You get it. You get it all the way.

36:32And anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you out of here? I mean, last time I talked about, I used to tour in a metal band. I don't know if that's interesting or not. But that went well. That went good. What was the metal band again? With Faithor Flames, we toured a bunch and we're on a little bit MTV, not much, but... MTV, yeah. Oh my goodness. So it's a technicality. We were background music on a reality dating show. Oh, well. There you go. That's... It's still 10 counts. I got a royalty check. I got accounts. Very good. I'm pretty sure you're going to get a royalty check from the fine people over at Kia tonight as well. For the advertising you did for them is absolutely incredible. Here's a big joke, but congratulations. There goes Ian Sharp. That's the Kia So commercial. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Two. It's a roomy car. Yeah. They need help right now. I love it. I love it. A handful of lovely Heidi, by the way. By the way, a little fun fact. Coming soon to Kill Merch.com. Heidi Farts a Najar.

37:32She farts a Najar and sells it on Kill Merch.com. How many do you want to buy a Heidi Fart an Najar, huh? All right, red band. Okay, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Kylie Kaiser, everybody. Kylie Kaiser. I'm originally from a small town and I didn't have a very good transition into big city living. Literally in the first year that I lived in a city, my roommate and I were robbed at gunpoint in our apartment. Yeah. It was pretty scary. The guy followed my roommate inside when she got home from work. That's how he got in the place. And when the cops came later, they checked out the apartment complex, the situation. They said, based on the layout, he must have been staking us out for a while to know when to fall. At the right moment, right? That was really traumatizing for me to hear personally because I had just gotten home an hour before her.

38:39Didn't pick me what the fuck. The cop looked me in the eye and said, Angela is so small. He probably just thought he could take her easier. We got really lucky, though. The guy only took our cell phones. That whole experience, the guy only took our cell phones. The cops said we were really fortunate we didn't have anything of value in our apartment. I was deemed ugly fat and broke by a criminal in a deputy. Do you understand? Thank you guys. I'm Kylie. Kylie Kaiser. Funny stuff, Kylie. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand-up? So I have been doing it about three and a half years. My first time on the show, I was three months in. Wow, three years. Remind us what happened last time you were on. I got to do a guest spot with David Tell here. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, fuck yeah. It was awesome. I was so new and I just wanted to work till I came back. That's awesome. What a great story. Sometimes we help so many damn people that sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes they fall through the crowd. It's been a long time.

39:39Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. Yeah, see you know. I'm 35, I know. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So Kylie, tell us. What you've been up to the last three years since you've been on the show. Honestly, a really big thing happened to me that same week. I was on the show, did the show with Dave, and then I met my biological dad for the first time. Wow. How did that happen? Honestly, we had been like... Explain how that happened so this black woman can maybe one day get to meet her dad. This is amazing. She's laughing, by the way. You fucking weirdos on the internet. Look at Tony being racist again. All right, go ahead. I was kind of like going through a rough time like a few months before this. And my mom, who like has no contact with him, reached out to him and was kind of like stereotypical therapy shit. She was like, maybe Kylie could work through some of this if she knew you. And she told me that information and I did nothing with it for a while because I was like, I don't really want to fuck with this.

40:39And then I eventually just decided a message him. And he had flown me out to meet him the week of your show that I was on. So it was a week after the show, right? Yeah, so we had messaged for like six months before I actually went to meet him. Where did he fly you to? California. And wow, where do you live here? I live here. Right. And what is... What, what, what, what, what, what, like, comfort plus? That's a good question. Listen, if you're flying your daughter out, what you'll be nor... I think it was Southwest. You're the fight for your seat to meet your dad. Fuck America's world's Burbank Airport. He had money though. That's the crazy part. That's the best case scenario if you meet your estranged dad. So he lived like in wine country in California. That's what I was my next question. What does he do for a living? He works in like sales for some kind of tech. But he did really good for himself. Yeah, yeah. Big home. Yeah. You had your own bedroom when you went there. I did, you stay with him. Finally, finally. I did, yeah. And met him at my sister. I was just in her wedding last year.

41:39Oh, that's great. Look at that full circle. Yeah, it's so nice. I've never met my dad. I contacted him. He didn't want to. The very first time, so I was scared about this because I had contacted my dad like when I was 21 and when I had to open the message about this to reach out, my message left on red was there. So, yeah, getting ghosted by your dad has different. Yeah, my mom died and then I wrote to him. Can I meet you? And he said, no, thank you. No thanks. That's super cool. You got a flight and stuff. I really like that. Yeah. You could have been on Southwest. That's so disappointing. So, what did you learn about your dad that like you guys have in common? Because I find it also interesting nature versus nurture. Is there some stuff that lines up? Yeah, I talk about this all the time. So, my grandparents raised me actually. And my mom and I are more like than I am to them. And then I met my dad and it really felt like all the pieces I didn't understand. Like, he's one of the only family members. He's come to a ton of my comedy shows. My mom's been to a couple. But he like, I get definitely like my fucked up humor from him, music, taste.

42:40Like, we've been to concerts together. We went to a strip club together. Whoa, strip club together. Yeah, that's amazing. But did he get, what was that like? Well, we both had a good time. I'll say that. Whoa. Not together. All right. Well. Well, you have to clarify because meeting your dad in that situation is kind of like online dating. We were talking for a long time and then met in person. You know what I mean? I was like, is he going to look at his pictures? Is he going to pay for everything? Is he going to try to fuck me? That's hilarious. Oh, no. That's amazing. It is kind of like you have a lot in common with him probably. Great stuff, Red Bam. Um. No, nature and nurture is wild. So it really is cool. It is. What do you do for work, Kylie? I bar 10 part time at Roscoe's Comedy Club. Oh, nice. And that's all you do? Yeah, I do like a little bit of stuff here and there with like marketing things. People pick up like freelance. I have a degree in writing. Okay. Very good.

43:40Yeah. Very good. What's your love life like? I have a boyfriend. What does he do? He's an architect. Ooh. Is he successful? Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. He's good. He's very supportive. He comes to like all my shows. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. Thank you, one guy. That's actually him. He's a great show Thursday. Oh. Look at that. Wow. Someone obviously took his Bluetooth gold tonight. Look at you. I could play her call. Oh, my God. Normally they have to show some cleavage or something to get on this secret show. I was real, so I wore this. Amazing. It worked. It worked. The tight jeans worked for Red Band tonight. Great job, too. I really love a bit that makes you imagine a visual thing. Like with your timing and the confidence, the way you set up, like when you did the bit, I imagined the guy in the bush, you know, looking who goes in the house and then she, then he sees you and she's like, and he's like, ah, fuck.

44:43And then he sees your friend. He's like, oh, okay. Yeah. 100% true to the craziest part. I don't know that he didn't pick me on purpose, but he picked her in that sense. I love that, yeah. Amazing. But you got to see Roseanne Barr when she started and so many greats, the legends, whoopie Goldberg, Sandra Bernhard back in the day. Any words of encouragement or anything for Kylie Kaiser? I remember watching Rosembar in Denver when she nobody knew her. And she had that personality. Very strong. And I think you have that as well. You had us all like for first 20 seconds when you were telling the story. You were intense. We were like, I'm going, am I in like group therapy? Thank you. Thank you so much. But you, that's a great setup for a great story and punchline.

45:46Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. With that in doubt. Kylie Kaiser, here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. Kylie didn't think she would catch it, so she tried to get it me to hand it to her. And then I nailed it against her chest, which is what I'm known for. I'm the greatest joke book tosser in all the world if anybody is keeping track. I'm basically, I make Tom Brady look like a lazy schmuck, but with joke books. Hey, y'all, half the year is over. If your credit still needs work, the time is now kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable. And I always tell my friends the good credit opens a lot of doors. Thankfully, getting started with kickoff takes just a few minutes right from your phone. It's just one dollar for your first month. There's no credit check, no hidden fees and no interest. Users with credit under 600 grow an average of 86 points just by paying on time. Red man.

46:46Man, I wish I had kickoff when I was younger. What I like about kickoff is how straightforward it is. If I were looking for an easy, affordable way to start building credit, this is exactly the kind of service I would use. So start moving your credit in the right direction. Join over 1 million users already building their credit with kickoff. With hundreds of thousands of positive reviews, there's a reason why kickoff is the number one credit builder on the app store. I mean, look at Heidi. You want a girl like Heidi? You have to have good credit or you're going to end up with an ugly partner. Start building credit with kickoff today and get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% of the normal price when you go to get kickoff.com slash killtony today. That's kickoff without the C get K-I-K-O-F-F dot com slash killtony. Okay, this looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Luther Thompson. Everybody, Luther Thompson. Okay, Luther Thompson. So a little about me.

47:47I was child traffic out of Russia at age six. True story. Parents use the term adopted. So it's a tomato tomato kind of situation going on there. One of the main questions I get asked when people find out I'm from Russia or adopted from Russia is, do you want to go back? Go back? Do I look like I want to be generationally poor and drunk? And don't get me wrong. I'm poor here, but I'm American poor. American poor is the equivalent of Olga. Hide my yacht before it gets seized over there. Being poor sucks no matter where you're at. Have you ever been so poor you had under the kitchen sink when the landlord showed up? Because you haven't paid your rent in two months. Needless to say, I had now lived in my car. It's not that bad. The only issue I'm having is finding a place to hide when the repo man shows up. And I think I found a good spot.

48:49They're still going to repo me. But guess what? I still have my house and I'm upgraded to a gated community. Thank you, I'm Luther. That's been my time. Luther Thompson. You can't even make this shit up. That was the set you were going to do no matter who was here, huh? No matter what, I was coming out here with that set. You were sex trafficked to Russia? Out of Russia. Out of Russia. And you just so happen to have the greatest Russian comedian of all time. And a guy that everybody thinks is the greatest Russian comedian of all time. It couldn't have gone any better. What are the odds? It's gone to gotten better. Tell us all. You have those beautiful cold Russian eyes. Take them off and look at like a camera. Like take a look at these eyes. Oh yeah, look at that Russian. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's a cold guy from Dysko. Oh god this. I mean it is incredible. I watch World War II documentaries all the time. And they do a thing called World War II in color.

49:49They've colorized all the old footage. I think that is everybody. This is everyone on the German side. They didn't have glasses back in World War II, but... You look at that. Brothers. I believe you were both trafficked from the same family. But wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this like material or like really stuff? No, I was actually adopted from Russia. Adopted, okay. Yes, I was in traffic. So you were like just a joke. My parents are going to hate when they hear it. So this is incredible. Let's talk about it. You're born in Russia from a Russian couple. How did you get adopted to America? So I was in an orphanage. I actually have a biological sister who was also adopted with me at the same time. I blame her for being put into the orphanage. My parents are probably fine with me. She came out into the orphanage. We go. She will also hate that when she hears it. Then they also adopted my brother at the same time.

50:51So you have a brother and sister. You guys all came out of the same vagina. No, okay. No, none of you came out of the sister. I came out of the same vagina. My brother's not. But got it. You were all three adopted in 1996. Is the brother Russian too? Yes, all three of us are. Where are your parents getting these Russians from? You know, apparently it was pretty popular in Iowa to do so because... She heard. Because there was like a whole group of like ten families on the central Iowa that adopted like a two year span. And we all got together on a regular basis. And, you know, we've all disconnected since then. But I remember growing up, there were quite a few families. Even in my town, there was one family that also adopted from Russia. It was pretty cool. This is absolutely cool. How old were you? I was six. My sister was five. Two of my brother was two. 90 more. My mom was a teacher before she sent my retired to be a state-of-home mom. For the first six months after they got us here, she did nothing but teach us.

51:52Like, homeschooled us. The parents that adopted you, they're like rich? I won't call them rich at the time, but they're pretty well off now. Because it seems like, you know, like, let's get a Russian. You know, like, it's like an Angelina, Jolie. Like, let's get a fucking Russian. John D is actually whispered in my ear a great question. Are you the world's worst spy? I am actually the worst spy. I am actually waiting for the activation word. Look at that. Incredible. So you've been in America since you were a baby. Is your sister older than you? No, I'm the oldest. How old much older than you are you? By 11 months. I'm older than her. Wow, your parents were so nice. They were nutting inside of each other and giving it away. Drunken fucking. Look at that Russian breeders. Absolutely incredible. Lot of vodka. Do you have any fetal alcohol syndrome? I do not. I don't believe. I actually am not a big drinker myself. We'll see how that goes. But if I do drink it, it is vodka.

52:56Right. You know, yeah, coffee. Well, it's in the blood. Yeah. Yeah. It is, yeah. It's definitely. I mean, they fought this for years. You know, they, and at some point, the guy, like, the little guy, like, the leader of the Communist Party went to a factory and asked him, if he had a glass of vodka, could you work today? And the worker said, yes, I think I could. And he said, if you have two glasses of vodka, could you work? And he said, I think I could. He said, if you have three glasses of vodka, could you work? He said, I'm here, aren't I? Funny story, actually. Yeah, I distinctly remember seeing you and Branson Missouri on one of my family trips. We had, wow. Yeah. Look at this. This is all coming full circle. One of the six million people. The fuck you're up there, Jimmy? Six million. We had a yearly family day would commemorate our adoption.

53:58And one of the places we typically went was Branson Missouri. And you were doing a show one of those years, and we went and saw you. It was a good time. I was pretty young, so I don't fully remember all your comedy. But I remember you. I remember you. I can't forget those eyes. That's right. That's right. So here you are. You could have been a Russian factory worker, probably out there fucking killed. Oh, thank God. I got a tattoo. Baby Jesus. Holy cow. Sound. I know. Fuck. So here you are. I could be on the front line right now. You could be. I mean, I don't know if they like gays and they're military, but. They like. They would take everybody. Yeah, they would. Yeah. Pretty sure they don't think anybody. I think they're pretty desperate. They take everybody. Pretty sure that's all the emblem. I think the parents too. What's that? Have you contacted the parents too? I have no idea who my parents are. In my opinion, I could care less who they are. You know, can you believe this?

54:59Yakov, he doesn't care about you at all. Fuck away. That's still a blood test before we. Yeah, before we come to conclusions. Yeah, Yakov hasn't even adopted any Russian people. He's 75. He has a one-year-old with his nuclear nuts. He'd rather shoot. He's making babies on a dust over here rather than adopting a Russian. Your parents are saints. So what do you do for work now that you're living the American dream? You got saved. So I worked for Tesla. Wow. And I serve on the weekends. Oh, OK. So I mean, Tesla, obviously. You know, Elon's a smart guy. He works on a budget. Full time at Tesla. You're still picking up shifts. Yeah, got to work like nobody else today. So you can play like nobody else tomorrow. Wow. Look at that. Someone has a tear away calendar. Incredible. Incredible, Luther. My goodness. How long do you then stand up?

56:00I'll be honest. This will be my first big stage I've ever done. But I did some. I did some. I'll call them open mics. They were more like poetry open mics. That's what open mics are. They all feel that way. It's rough. It's very rough out there. It is. How could I, well, before I moved here? So very nice. Des Moines. Very close. Ames. Wow. So you're kind out there in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. I grew up in a blink and you miss a town. You know what? Blink and you miss it. You're going down the interstate. Oh, there it is. There it is. Blink and you miss it. There's a little bit of a Russian accent still in there. Blink and you miss it. What I really liked is like, so you haven't been on stage too much, right? No. So I saw, you know, when you're so close to a performer like here, I saw you like shaking a little bit and being nervous so you can tell it's a new, like, he's a new artist. But you stuck to your script and you like pause at the right places and you still fucking

57:01didn't. You want like a bitch like nice to be here, Tony. I want to show. Yeah. Since the beginning. It is true. You fucking, you stick to the script. You do the thing and then you talk honestly and you talk about your life, dude. Before I let you go, Luther, do you know what part of Russia you were born in? I'm supposedly I was born in Air Kutsk. You have heard of Air Kutsk? Yeah. Very much so. Yeah. What's that place? It's a tough, tough territory. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. I count my lucky stars on here. Yeah. Yeah. The dogs are very fast there because they are Siberian Huskies. Actually they're very fast because the trees are like two miles apart so they have to run fast to get to an X tree. Wow. Yeah. Oh my.

58:01Information. You don't need to know. I love that shit. We love that shit here. We've been doing this show 13 years. We need new information. We always like good stuff. So, um, would, uh, are you gay? No. No. No. You have a girlfriend? No. So, have you, how long have you been in Austin? Two months. Have you kissed a girl yet since being in Austin? Have you? I have not. I've seen the show. You haven't? No. We gotta get a girl. It's the girl out there. It's the girl out there that's willing at you in the white shirt. Get your ass over here. Look at this little cutie. Come on up here, sweetheart. Oh, she's got bouncy tits. Oh my god. This is incredible. She's about to get a spot at the secret show on Thursday night. She's never done a joke a day in her life. This is amazing. You're about to literally couldn't have gotten... You're about to kiss a little... My friend, you're about to kiss a little cutie with fat tits. Look at this.

59:01All right. Ever since we started the show, we do a little segment where if a person hasn't had their first kiss in the city that we're in, they get their first kiss. I mean, she looks like she's gonna go for it. Are you really gonna give them a big one? What's your name, sweetheart? Weasel. Weasel? Weasel? Weasel? Weasel? Weasel? Wow. That's a wacky name. I like your style, weasel. Weasel. Weasel, how do you spell that? L-I-E-S-L. Okay. Weasel adopted from Russia. I hope not. Weasel, this boy is moved to the live comedy and the live music capital of the world. Are you from here, weasel? No. Where are you from? Baltimore. Oh, Baltimore. Oh, shit. And I drove here. And you drove here from Baltimore. Wow. Damn, you're a little fucking cold-blooded killer. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Luther Thompson's first ever Austin, Texas kiss. Yes! Wow.

1:00:01Wow. Look at that. Look at the look on Luther's face. Unbelievable. Luther, here's the big joke book for you. Boom. Luther, here's the big one for you. Boom. There we go. Luther, look at the secret show, Luther. Luther's on the secret show on Thursday. Welcome to Austin. Don't worry about that night either. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. All right. We're having fun here tonight. How about one more time for my guests? Ari Maddie and Yakov Smirnov. We're having fun. Now we get to sit back and enjoy a minute, perhaps more than a minute, from one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has to write and perform a new minute every single week. Ari Maddie used to do it all the time before he became an international superstar. Well, while he became an international superstar live on this show, it's a big, big, hard job.

1:01:05He does it every week. Make some noise. This is the former dark storm of Atlanta, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great, dead trick fling everybody. Yeah, yeah. Guys, I wrote this down after a traumatic incident where like me and my girlfriend got into a fight in front of our friends. What you know about don't even try to cuddle me after Uno. I can't get comfy with a reverse draw for As I. Since you want to skip so much, how about skip that on these cuddles? You know what I'm saying? That's what I wrote. What you know about having to get into a bar fight with a Botox salesman because she won't stop trying to sell your white girlfriend Botox and Botox salesman. You have cracked heads trying to sell crack because you kind of like nigga look what it did

1:02:10to you. Like, if you all love Botox or Botox, if you want a girl whose face is frozen in time, that's okay. Believe my white woman out of it. You know what I'm saying? She cute. She adorable and she is. She's pale as hell too. And it's true what they say. Once you go pale she'll make you eat kale. You know what I'm saying? James, James, James, and my only one that I heard that. But it is crazy because white women always care about like what they eat. She won't organic share her body but she'll fill her face up with like, yuppie concrete. You know what I'm saying? That's just a discussion. Like I fucking hate Botox. The day the white girl is dangerous because I was recording my comedy special and I went to go kiss her on her forehead, right? Because like a forehead kiss is God in nature's anti-depressant, right? Like if you kiss the, you give a girl a cranium smooth, she okay, she don't need so

1:03:14love, right? And I use it as good luck and I kissed her forehead and before I was about to record my homeboy slapped me behind the head. He was like, nigga, you doing coke? You know what I'm saying? Because some of her porcelain dust makeup got on my nose. And I was like, my nigga, I do white girl but not that kind of white girl. That's my time I love ya. Dedrick, boy. Fuck yeah, Dedrick. Welcome back, my friend. You do. I'm doing fantastic. I love to. It all felt real to me. Uno can get frustrating out there with people. Why do you, why do you do that to me? Who knows? Because it's like a, it's so cheap. But like what I think is like designed to break family and friends apart. It really is. It's supposed to break you up from the person you're sitting next to because that's the person that does. They do. They hit the reverses. They hit the skips. So it's better. I think if you want to keep your relationship solid, put someone in between you and your loved one.

1:04:15You say that until you start playing like rainbow or stacking where you can like reverse to the person and then make the next person drop. It's a bunch of different like, it's like different elevations. Uno, there's like standard Uno where you can still have a family. And then like there's the other uno's where it's out for blood. And it's just, you know, they, but it's just, this was, this was where sharks go. It's like a feed and frenzy on your people that you love. You shouldn't play it monopoly. You shouldn't play that with people you love. Dice. Do you know like any kind of dice? I've seen my uncles go down over every kind of dice. Do black people play monopoly? I didn't. I've never thought of this before. Do you guys start in jail? There's one person have all the money. You're people are famous for recos, but here you are.

1:05:17Actually, like we started that. That's true. Black monopoly does sound like its own game though. It does. You guys just don't pay rent sometimes. A lot of, no get out of jail free cards. By the way, zero of them. What's the, what's the pieces like? To me might not be straight, but he is straight forward. That is true. That is true. That is the thing we live our life. How dare you. So being mean to me. How dare you. How monopoly? I was trying to open up about it. Now I feel generational. Black monopoly is its own bit, by the way. That is, if you don't take it, I'll take it. For sure, yeah. Black monopoly. I'll take it. I'll finish this one. Black monopoly. I've got a new game, but I'm not believe. I have been to jail. Yeah. The only person I've ever met that goes to jail in Japan and changes nothing about his life. No, no, no, no. But it's crazy. Because you didn't even went to jail. You came back. I was like, you're OK. You were like, huh?

1:06:18Yeah. Because it wasn't there. But it's crazy. Because like, the future just put out his new album. And then his song is Konichiwa that he filmed in Tokyo, Japan. But when I bring Molly Perkisaz, that is pretty crazy. That is a good point. That's a good point, dude. Future can get away with it. That's amazing. Dead Dricks so much fun. How's everything else going? You been on the road? Yeah. Actually, just past weekend was the first time I haven't done comedy on the road every weekend. I went and married two of my best friends, because I'm an efficient. And that was my first Jewish wedding that I got to conduct. That was a Jewish. You conducted two Niggas. That's you was fucking good. You ever hop on the gear and niggas and that shit is fun as fuck. No. You just get to hop on again. It's a minute and a minute. Is that the word? What are you not a word? Is that the word? Yes. I think you're the only one that can say that. I can say the hop apart. But then it's you that can say.

1:07:21So let me ask you this. Yes. Ah. So you officially said it. What are you? I got so many of them. I've got so many of them. And he said that he officiated a wedding. And I didn't believe it. And then he said a Jewish wedding. And I'm like, that sounds about right. Because I bet you don't charge much. No, I charge. You charged him for that? Yeah, I charged for a peer-bred wedding more than I do in a racial wedding. Oh, it's like porn. And then gay weddings is a jeepist. Because they got more acts coming out and shit like that. But when it's peer-bred, you got to stick to the script. They parents religious. So I charged them more. Like a gay wedding. You can say whatever you want. You can have fun. But like when you, when I'm telling too many jokes, the day mom is standing up when she not supposed to be standing up, I'm trying to do vows and shit. So it's difficulty. Did the dads ever show up to the gay weddings? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, both of them. Ha, ha, ha.

1:08:21Dedric, we love you. You're the man. I love you. I love you. Parents play. Dedric, flint, everybody. Back to the bucket, we go. Anything can happen as you know. Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue, who? Exactly. Jesus Christ. Anyway, this ad is for Morgan and Morgan. Morgan and Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. Do you know that red band? I have your aid. I know. Let's go. There are America's largest injury law firm. Form. There are America's largest injury law firm with more than 1000 lawyers and 100 offices nationwide. They've also recovered over $35 billion for their clients. And unlike red band, they can all read. So if you've been injured because somebody else was negligent, you probably have more important things to worry about than terrible lawyer jokes. You can check out Morgan and Morgan for the people.com slash Tony.

1:09:26Their feet is free unless they win. And whoever wrote that joke should probably be sued. Now back to the show. All right, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Here we go. Here's Dr. Chuck. Oh my god, yes. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Hello. Hello. My name is Charles K. Sestock, the fourth. And I am a MILF. I'm mathematically inclined looking fellow. I'm an electrical engineer, which means I'm doing the devil's work according to the amish. I like age appropriate humor. I have a urology joke, but I can hold it.

1:10:30I'm old school. Cash is king because you can't have a hit country song if you're named Johnny Bitcoin. Clearly, I over did the academic side of life. I earned a PhD in electrical engineering, a bachelor's in physics, and a master's in virginity. But hey, I just got some pussy. Too bad it came from Red Band. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Wow, Dr. Chuck has arrived in the Kiltzone universe.

1:11:32Wow. Absolutely, amazing performance, Dr. Chuck. I mean, down to the second, you handled this like an absolute, like a genius. Thank you. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over three years. Wow, just over three years. Where at? What mad laboratory have you been doing this? Primarily in Dallas. Okay, that's where you live. Yep. Amazing. Is that where you're born and raised? And the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan. Oh, wow. Okay. That makes sense. You fucking you survived. Look at you. You got a PhD, a bachelor's in this or that. Welcome, welcome. Hell yeah, man. So incredible. What made you start comedy three years ago? Well, a friend who was running an open mic and said why don't you give it a try? I stuck my toe in. I remember getting a laugh.

1:12:33And immediately felt like this was a lot of fun. I guess looking back, I kind of related to Rodney Dangerfield on the tonight show as a kid. And I remember when he performed at Ronald Reagan's inaugural, he kind of stopped his rhythm and talked about feeling like a weight, a heaviness as a kid. And at least I could relate to that and I could also relate to kind of getting on stage and bringing people joy. It kind of lists that weight. So I kept going. Amazing. So electrical engineering. Yep. And you're, I am imagining that you are just a master of it. Can you tell us exactly what does that mean? Can you explain to like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, well, design computer chips, but I do have a lot of patents, but only one of them is funny. Oh, tell us the funny parts. I have a patent on a poop detector for a robot vacuum.

1:13:35Wow. Wow. Really? Really, really, really. Yeah. So you sell it to the companies that make the robot vacuum cleaner and they take care of how does it recognize poopy? Nobody actually bought it, but it was too big, but the technology works so it was patented. It's basically like a fancy version of the capacitive touch sensor on your phone, but it's able to sense moisture as well as proximity. Oh. So, you know, there you go. Our, our senior poop correspondent Brian Rickband is very intrigued over here. It's actually also an electric, uh, engineer. Wow. He has tons of patents too, but none of them are sexy like that. That's pretty sweet. I'm not sure that's sexy, but it is amusing. You are a, um, a maze. How tall are you, by the way? Six five in my socks. Wow. Six five in his socks. Absolutely incredible, Dr. Chuck. Now, do you, are you, have you been married? Do you have kids? What you been doing your whole life? Tell us more.

1:14:35You are a man of great mystery and aura, aura. Well, I, I am a single, but I, I do have a woman. She just has poor boundaries. Um, you know, anytime that she's under pressure, she shooshes me. I got to get her patched. I didn't want to be a celebrity at discount tire. Uh, all right, I lost the patch. You have any children? You're great. Your children? De Madness is out here. Look at hand for de Madness. Woo! Dr. Chuck, I have so many questions. So, um, uh, do you really have a girlfriend or no? No. Okay. Boo. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Because you look like you seem too smart to even have a woman. You seem like you would be annoyed by the ignorance of just a yappy bet with a vagina. It's like Dr. Manhattan shit.

1:15:38I, I haven't really been very successful in relationships, but, you know, if I look back at it, it's probably, you know, unprocessed resentments towards my mom. I guess she was pretty depressed as, you know, when I was a kid and you have kind of, you know, an ambivalent parent when you're young, it affects your social development. I have never in my life heard somebody actually answer the question, honestly. That is amazing. This guy is so smart. He's got, like, he's got it all figured out. That's the electrical engineer in here. He's connecting the dots. Yes. He really is, Vom. He really is. So what's the longest relationship you've ever been in, Dr. Chuck? A couple months. A couple months, see? That's kind of what I, like, a couple months, really? Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, fuck up, huh? I know. Yeah. Well, you know, once, once you get to a certain age, you know, you are what you are.

1:16:41But, you know, I do try to, you know, change directions, getting out of my comfort zone about things like comedy, sort of. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, Dr. Chuck, I mean, I'm just so intrigued right now. I'm so intrigued because I want to know like what your daily routine is. You seem like the kind of guy to me that, like, wakes up, like you wake up like this, like you set up. And then everything, like, you have slippers next to the bed that you slide your giant horse cock feet into. Right? And then, like, you have like a robe that's like there. You put on the robe. You walk a straight line. You turn the car. And the robe even comes off. Like, I picture like, I picture like the coffee machine starts because of ping pong ball sense that you've got up and rolls down the coffee automatically. Tips over, pours into a cup. The cup slides down a little train. Some type of 2, 2 train comes down and delivers it to you. You're still on the edge of the bed with your robe on. You grab the coffee all in one swoop. There's the 2, 2 train.

1:17:42You drink the coffee. The mug detects that your lips touched it, which therefore, then starts the shower for you. Your shower starts. So you have a towel warmer that feels the humidity rise. And the towel warmer turns on. You have a warm towel. There's an adult in there for some reason because you have a retarded co-host with a sound effect board. How close to might I write about this? That sounds rather quaint, but a simple man's morning, Tony. I usually outsource the food and coffee preparation to people, not machines. I like to get up and I go to HEB and get a breakfast taco and a cup of coffee. You do that every day, am I correct? Basically, yes. Yes, you are a man of pure routine. Now how about nighttime? Take us through the smooth descent.

1:18:44My guess is that every other smart man you go to bed and around, I'm guessing about 930 on the dot, no? No, no. I mean, a lot of times I might be out at an open mic, come home, probably on wine with the book. Sometimes, I do like to look at... I like to collect books, actually. We believe about it. Shout out half-priced books. Do you have that in Dallas? I think they're here too, but they're here to put it in Dallas. You have a wall with books and you have the latter that you swing and you're like... I do have... Somewhere between a thousand and a thousand. Wow. Amazing. Money is good in your life. You got to figure out this like a fucking formula, huh? I do okay with financially, I don't have to worry. That is correct. That's what extremely rich men say for those of you that don't know... For the poor, you don't have to worry. I'm doing just slightly okay.

1:19:48A man of many patents. See, unwind with a book. Do you have a robe? Am I correct about that? No. But you do have pajamas, am I correct? Yes, I... What do they have on it? There are the white fleas of Bucky's pajamas with a red drawstring and black Bucky's portraits. My friend, call me a book-reading genius because I have the same pajamas. By the way, I have to say... I don't know what that's up to. Let's go. Yeah, go for a break. Yeah, pair before you leave. Bring mine, you think I like books. Is yours also a boy's extra small? Yeah, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah, here we go. So my dad, he's a dork like you, but he has one thing that he's been trying to solve his whole life, perpetual motion, like he's making all these machines and stuff. Is there something that your whole life you've been trying to solve with your big brain?

1:20:49I guess I wouldn't say I have a session like that. I like to kind of keep on the cutting edge of things. So I've had a chance to do wireless communications, rechargeable batteries, lots of different things in my career. Let me ask you a better version of the question that he half asked in your life. Could you seem like a smart guy? I don't deal with that. Even the best comedians in the world are fucking goofballs. I've never... Are he laughed the hardest at fucking... I just blanked out. Oh, unwind with a book. But to us, that is hysterical that you said that. It's like no comedian in the world, no matter what can unwind with a book. But you're the closest thing to it. So let me ask you this, Dr. Chuck, of all the things that you have, all the great mysteries in the world. What is a smart man like you find the most intriguing? Like maybe not a passion like perpetual motion, but maybe, you know, like I find it unbelievably

1:21:50crazy that humans dream and that there's no actual scientific explanation for how dreams happen or why they happen. What's your version of the world's greatest mystery to you? It could be in the past, it could be a present problem, or the future. Well, I'd say, you know, consciousness is definitely one. The other is how do you match general relativity with quantum mechanics? But I don't have an answer to that. I expect that you'd say pussy. Wow. Dr. Chuck, I find you to be so intriguing. Please sign up again for this show. I mean, yeah. Right? Do you have any social media Chuck? Is there a place we can find or anything like that? Probably the best. And social media would be the roast battle DFW YouTube channel. There are a couple of highlight clips of me on that. Oh, you've been roasting Dr. Chuck?

1:22:52My first break in comedy was actually roasting, holding my own against David Lucas in a roast battle at Hyena's endow. Wow. That's a very good roast. Yeah, what did you say about David? Can you give us one? Oh, shit. Look at this. Oh. He managed it. Yeah. Okay. Let's see. The first, you know, some comedians didn't show up for the roast battle. He let anybody in the audience come on stage and try to take a shot. And you did? You came from the audience? Yeah, I came out of the audience. I had some written jokes on him and thought I was going to get my ass handed to me, but, you know, I got some laughs. So I can remember a couple of the jokes. First one that I started with was David has a hit YouTube fishing show and he is expanding his brand with a plus size outerwear retailer slash BBL clinic called Ask Pro Shops. Wow. This guy is smart.

1:23:59Yeah. That is amazing. I had done about 15 open mics at that time. So the second one, which was women experience intense attraction near David due to gravity. And the last one, you know, there was one that was kind of a, you know, so, so joke. But the last one that was good was David's family is responsible for slip and slide records. Their biggest hit was Take It To The House by Trick Daddy and Trina, which is about dunking a basketball. Something David can't do, but he makes it his own whenever he dunks a donut. Wow. I feel kind of bad, you know, roast again when he's not here. No, it's fine. We do it all the time. It's fine. It's a very normal thing. I'm very grateful that David booked me on the show to do roast because that was the first book show that I got in comedy after doing all that.

1:24:59Hell yeah. That's cool that, you know, so many people always whine about how late it is to start comedy, but I love that no matter how late it is to start comedy, if you approach it your own way and you're just authentically, you don't try to be some other shit. You just do your own thing. See, it resonates, you know. Thank you, Eric. Yeah, you killed it. It's awesome. You have your own style, your own swagger. We need you to absolutely sign up again. You're amazing. Dr. Chuck, what a great debut. Fantastic. Like Ari said, all shapes and sizes. Let's get my good one here. Look at this. This is a good one. Dr. Chuck, this is for you, bud. Boom. There he is. One more time for Dr. Chuck. That goes. What about great performance? This one, a talk to him. All right, we're going to keep it moving here. I was, I was all this time.

1:25:59I was thinking it was Adam Ray. That would be a great Adam Ray character. Oh, Dr. Chuck, everybody. I have a master's in virginity. All right, ladies and gentlemen. As you see, anything can happen. All different shapes and sizes out of this bucket tonight. Make some noise to your next bucket. Pull it. I'm going to give you a big hammer, everybody. Oh, you man. Oh, my God. So is there any straight people in here? Is everybody gay? I'm raising my hand because I'm straight. You know, two made your gay. That way you would have to think about it. You had to think about it, right? Yeah, to think about it. You take the G.A. to gain it. So all you have left is anus. Ew. Oh, my God. To you, young ladies over here, I'm only 27 emotionally, OK?

1:27:09I'm an on-me sexual. That means I'm having sex with whoever's on me, all right? Yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah, and don't get excited, boys, but I'm also a bisexual. That's because I'm having sex, and then I'm like, Bye. I'm not calling with you, OK? Oh, my goodness. Fowl, you're married. You're OK. All right, Joe Newcommer. Oh, my God. How you doing? How you doing your little bundle energy? Casey Raka. I got old. Quick call. Oh, my God. You are one of the funniest ladies we've ever had. I'm the funniest ladies we've ever had on the show. Look at you. Now, Joe, I'm going to be honest with you, man. You've been on the show before? No, I have not. Right. I literally know you from being on sixth street. That's right. You're one of these guys that I fist bump almost every evening.

1:28:09Joe is one of the most positive models of all, because you'll ever... He really is. He really is. This guy's a champion of the Austin City. I don't say hi to everybody all the time on sixth street, but you're always smiling. I've seen you barking for... Wait, what just happened? Okay, what's going on over there, guys? What did I miss? There's a whole side show. What happened? What happened? It was fine. Okay. All right. Okay. What was it? I missed it. It was... He grabbed his chest and his left arm went limp. Oh, okay. All right. I was just laughing. We're just excited. Okay, Joe. Welcome, welcome. So again, I've seen you barking on this street always positive, always with a... Okay, you okay? We'll get you out of here. We'll get the medic for you. It's all right. Something shocked you. Really? Yeah, it's like electric. Yeah, it's a little bit of electric shock. Did the electric engineer just achieve me, Riget, so that everybody else fails tonight?

1:29:13Okay. Well, Kino, let's get a second to... Let's get a backup mic up here. I mean, there's almost no way that that's humanly possible. Is it technically even possible? I've never heard of such a thing. There you go. Let's get backup mic number two on. Let's throw that one on the ground. Are you fake being electrocuted real quick? No. I am not. If you get shocked by that one, we know that it's you, but... It might be... I'm full of electricity. I don't know. That is very... It is the assassin, so... Okay, so Joe Newcomer, how old are you? I am 58 years old. Amazing. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy since 2019, but, you know, COVID took me out for a couple years. No doubt about it. Okay, so what made you want to start then? I used to be a drug dealer, and a lot of people... A lot of people that was doing drugs too, they were laughing their ass off while I was doing drugs.

1:30:14Yeah, you want to be one of those... Where are you from? What part of Florida are you from? I'm from California. California. Oh, shit. You're buying drugs from you? You're there enough. Secondo, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And this is not one of the drug dealers that just sells it and leaves. This guy sits there and chats with you for a while. I lowered nose. This is one of those. What type of drugs did you sell? I sold everything. Yeah. I had to go care when you name it. I had it all, but I haven't done any hard drugs in 13 years. Wow. Just for the record. Electrical engineer, PhD, a book to unwind, and we're back to Killtoni. Here with Joe Newcomer, this is what I was talking about. You never unwound with a book in your fucking life, have you? Never. You only use books to do lines off of them. I correct. Yes, absolutely. This guy wakes up with books. He doesn't go to sleep with a book.

1:31:14I got it. He's one of those fake speed readers. I got it. I got it. I'm smarter now. I got it. I got it. I feel like I'm shocked. Oh, this book is shocking me. Oh, oh, oh. I need another book because this one's a watcher killing me. Fuck yeah, I need. All right. So Joe Newcomer, you are an amazing story. How did you get sober 13 years ago? I always ask everybody to get sober because maybe we can help somebody out there. That's going through a problem. If I, because I mean, I'm looking at you, dude, if you could get sober, fucking anybody could get sober. You did so many drugs that you're still high 13 years later. I didn't want to bring your room down, but I died 13 years ago. You really did? Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm twice in a hospital, but they saved me. Wow, what kind of microphone electrocuted me like that? Right. This guy. Crazy, right? It is something else. So take us through it 13 years ago, just to straight up overdose. You're by yourself. Yeah, I was by myself alone in the hospital. It was my birthday as well.

1:32:14No, you, where were you? Where, where, where did you overdose? Oh, in California. But I mean, what in your apartment? With friends? No, I, well, I had checked myself into a hospital about a week before that. So wait a second. You checked yourself into a hospital. A week? I cleaned up. I got off drugs. Got into the hospital so that they wouldn't detect drugs in me. And they would treat me like a normal person. And then I flatlined about a week in. Oh, from being sober. Your body, yeah, I body. Yeah, it was just my organs were shutting down. Wow, adults, fuck. And Riverside, Riverside, California. Wow. Shout out Riverside Hospital. Right. Amazing. They did save me. That is incredible. I'm sure everybody is wondering what Riverside is. That's the top right corner of the last Grand Theft Auto map. Yeah, I move from Riverside. Okay. Riverside, I'm sorry. Got it. No, you're good. So Joe Newcomer, how do you make a living exactly? Well, I, I work at Bullseye Rich pub.

1:33:15I bark for a living. This man on the end of the desk down there, he knows that I'm one of the best barkers in the city. You really are. I agree with Redban. You are one of the best barkers. Like I said, you're always out there with a smile, positive energy, a strong fist bump, a good hello, nothing crazy of all the times that I've walked by you. So many times, whether it's the first time I see someone or the 20th time, there was good Tony just to let you know, one day I'm going to be on your show and I'm going to bug and I'm going to rock that shit. You've never annoyed me with that. It's always just a positive hello. This is my hundred and sixteen sign up tonight. One hundred and sixteen. Wow. Yeah. So crazy. Some people get it their first time. Some people get fucking that one asshole. Who was that dude Frank McGill or whatever? He's been on twice in like a month and everybody hates him. He's so unlikable. He brings nothing to the party whatsoever.

1:34:15And meanwhile, you signed up a hundred and sixteen times. That's years in a row. Wow. And you just did it with a positive fucking energy. And here you are, grateful and happy. Amazing. Give us another fun fact about your life, Joe Newcomer. Fun fact about my life is that I believe every one of us can be happy. Every one of us can be happy. Yes. And after I meditate every day, I lead the house with this one saying, I don't care if I deserve to be happy anymore. I'm just going to do it today because I'm capable of it. Fuck is serving you anymore. Let's go. Yeah. I love it. You got Kino, the lighting guy, inspired back there. That's amazing. And he's never happy. He's a miserable wreck. That's what's so true about comedy. Mistakes and fuck-ups resonate. Nobody cares about fucking perfection. You fucked up your back. You're swinging for it. I love it so much.

1:35:15I'm in pain every day walking around. You miss it? Yeah. Oh, no. Pain makes me feel like I'm alive. Wow. What a positive energy. And look at all the women that complain when they have a cramp. Wow. Absolutely incredible. I ordered an old milk. I need a Tylenol or something. Can that... Yeah, go up smear now. Can I ask you a question? Yes. What's a Barker? Barker is a guy. It's like, hey, if you want to see a comedy show, come right this way. How do you do it? Show the people how you bark. Just do it like you do it on this street. Like, hey, put a little giggle in her wiggle and bring her to a comedy show, bro. Yeah, that work. All right. The people walking in. Great air conditioning and beer getting there. He's good at what he does. There's been a couple times where I was going to meet a friend at a bar or something. I almost went to a fucking comedy show. No, I'm kidding. I would never in a million years. But you're good. You're good at what you do. Joe, so fun, so positive. You're just a fucking like a breath of fresh air, even though you look like positive.

1:36:18You wouldn't, you don't know anything about anything that, all right. Joe, new camera, ladies and gentlemen. You did it, Joe. All right. That's it. Great stuff. Keep signing up. You'll get shot of here again, maybe in another 116 weeks. We having fun out there? How we doing? Good? All right, everybody. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Chris Bach. Everyone, Chris Bach. Hello. I just got a haircut. And I don't really like getting a haircut, you know, because I was sitting in the chair getting done, you know. And with the machine, he's doing some, you know, he's doing the line where the hair in the neck stops.

1:37:25And then he's taking the machine and he's doing some neck hair, which, you know, is completely normal. You know, and then with the machine, he's just going further and further down. You know, it's almost like it was a bit insulting. You know, because I didn't know I had hair that back there. You know. And I only went there to cut myself up here. You know, I wasn't like, why don't you start here? And then see how far down you can get behind my shirt. All right, Chris Bach. Welcome, welcome, Chris. How are you? Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? This is my first time. Where are you from? You have a little accent there.

1:38:25I do. I'm from Norway. Wow. Look at that. That is incredible. I know, yeah. You kind of look like me too, holy shit. Yeah. This is a very special. Everyone is... Welcome to another episode of Secret Germans trying to blend in with society. I'm pretty sure all of your dads were Nazis. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. I mean, yeah, you seem German as hell. I think I'm Norwegian. Yeah. But some Nazis fled in Norway, am I correct? After World War II? Yes, and some Norwegians also fled to Germany. Yes, absolutely. Okay, how old are you? I'm 31. 31? How long have you been on stand-up? Doing almost three years. Three years. All of it in English? Mostly in Norwegian.

1:39:26Yeah. I like the fit too. The white jeans, white T-shirt, and then dress shoes. I want to look nice for the show. In Norway, we look nice, huh? Nice thing to do. I've been following Norway. It's one of the worst audience you've ever seen in your fucking life. These people are a calculative cold blooded. It was an amazing show. Yeah, they stare. And if they like you, they clap a little bit. Yeah, they clap. They don't really laugh. There's no verbal laughing. That's why I like the U.S. because you guys laugh. Yeah. Sweden is the same way. I've performed in Sweden, in giant theaters, in Sweden. And they kind of just go like... Like that. They incredible stuff. Yeah. After the show, they go, we loved it. And I'm like, really? They're like, yeah. We don't laugh. I can also do an American accent, though. Okay. Which I don't think you guys...

1:40:26If I talk like this just the whole time, I think you guys would have just thought I was one of you. No. Yeah. This was... You changed nothing. If I would have talked like this, I bet you guys would have thought I am one of you. Wait. Wait. That was the impression? That was. You're so stupid. You're a black one. I got one. You're a black one. I got one. I am very black. Do a black impression. This is amazing. I want to hear it now. Yeah. Yeah. No. Don't say it. Don't say it. That is not the end word I was hoping you were going to say, right then. Wow. But I do have a lot of black friends. You do have a lot of black friends. Not a lot. Oh. Wow. Are they in Norway? They are in the US.

1:41:27That's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys probably can tell I have lived in the US since that's why my English is so good. Yeah. How long have you lived in the US? I went to school at Arizona State University. Oh my goodness. How did you end up going there? There's a guy that definitely didn't go to college that. What was the question? How did you end up going to Arizona State? Oh, it's a lot of beautiful girls there. That's why you selected that place. Did your parents like Bayford? No, our government did. Yeah. Norway is insane. It's insane. They got everything. They have it all. They have it all. I want to do comedy in America. They have it all figured out. Are you from Oslo? Almost. Virgin. Okay, burglan. Yes, beautiful place. A lot of wooden ships. We do have an old wooden houses. Yes. Definitely wooden shoes sometimes. Yeah, okay.

1:42:29So Chris, amazing. What else do you do? How do you make a living now? You're 31 now. How do you make a living? What type of a murder hotel? It's a... I just have a regular job, you know, like most of you probably. Yeah, what is the regular job? I work in a bank. Oh, you work in a bank? Yeah. What kind of bank? It's a normal bank. Sounds suspicious to me, my friend. This guy's bullshit, dude. What do you like to trust your funds with me? Mr. Bond. You're a psycho, dude. Is it a blood bank? Are you working? I can't. This is a retarded cheering section over here. There's a bunch of obese people knocking over glasses with their fat elbows and shit. How long have you worked at bank?

1:43:33How long have you worked at bank? Four years. Four years. You're a teller? I'm not a teller. What do you do, exactly? I work with corporate customers. Corporate customers. Yes. Okay. Like offshore accounts? Yeah. Nobody, it's crazy for me to be here in Austin. I just... Wow. Very suspicious, ladies and gentlemen. We're trying to change the subject in front of 4 million people. Yeah, no. Nothing illegal. It is Austin. It's crazy. The music, the scenery, the street. A lot of homeless around here. I've seen a lot. Okay. No, but I'm kind of just like, you know. Okay. It's all good. Yeah, where did you fly in from? Where did you fly in from? Arizona. Bergen, Bergen.

1:44:33No, I live in Bergen now. Oh. I live in Bergen now. When did you get in? When did you get in? Just got in today. Wow. A few hours ago. Oh my goodness. What was your flight like? What airline did you take? What class? Well. Basic economy. Very basic economy. Yeah. In the back. What row? What row number? Making economy seats worse and worse. Just imagine. Okay. 17 hours. Okay. Don't like, do you need music? No, thank you. I'm going to America. Crazy Norwegian sold that. Oh, yeah. Nothing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, what? Oh, yeah. It is true. I mean, you guys are cold as ice. It is incredible. No, I can actually be really expression. Oh, there it is.

1:45:33Show us something else. Whoa. Is that the only one you got? Do it expression. Okay. Looks like it's hard for him to do. Oh. I have so many expressions. I am a doctor telling you how to date. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I am a doctor telling you how to date. Go. You have two weeks to live. But also you're having triplets. It's a little good news in there, it seems. It seems like you're pretty excited about that. God, you're dead. Oh. You're coming inside a beautiful lady.

1:46:33Right. Yeah, I feel like really, really. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You are incredible. I'm really happy to do a stand-up comedy. It's an incredible art from I'm chasing my dreams. I love it. So you still live in Bergen. You're in Bergen right now. I'm in Bergen, but I'm going to be here for... In Austin. How long my visa? How long you think you're going to be in Austin? 90 days. Exactly. 90 days. I know the visa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So how are you planning on spending it here in Austin? What are you looking forward to? You literally got in from Bergen, the other side of the fucking world today. Tell us what are your plans for the next 89 days here in Austin, Texas.

1:47:33I think I'll pick up a book. Oh, wow. I know just the man for that. Wait until you meet Dr. Chalk. Hell yeah. Come here, my friend. I will show you all my collection. Why are you stabbing me in my own home, young man? I thought you were a good boy. I just... How could you do it with no expression? All right. All right, guys, the pocket. All right, let me ask you this. Because I mean, you're so you. You are, you know, in what we would consider, like in an emotionless, expressionless, cold-blooded Norwegian, right? So that's at least what we have you labeled as. Stop looking like you're plotting something. Yeah. You are basically... Let me explain to you, Chris.

1:48:33Stick with me over here. You're basically as white as it gets. I mean, you are villain white. You're wearing all white. It's incredible. You have black on your shoes because I'm guessing you stepped on them on your way in here. That's the vibe that I get. So let me ask you, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Is there something that you do sometimes, or maybe something that you know, any... Could the answer be anything? But I mean, you're just so white. I got to know, what is the blackest thing about you? I do go to the barber shop pretty often. Oh, wow! Wow! Incredible! That is amazing. It was your whole set was about going to a barber shop. I believe... He has the exact same hairline as me, like I see it. Yeah. It is amazing. He's a good hairline. No. Yeah. You love... You see how far it is? No, it's masculine to have receding here. Ah!

1:49:33Very good. That's a dream girl. What type of girl... If you don't have a girlfriend, right? No. Okay. So here you are. You're in Austin, Texas. I mean, the place is incredible. The most beautiful women in the world. You can have anything, every different flavor. There's beautiful fucking latinas. There's beautiful black... The luptuous black women. There's chicks that make it look like their tits or bags. They actually are by squeezing them up and in and together at the same time, even though they're totally just eight cups. There's all different... There's chicks from Baltimore that fucking have hot, slutty vibes and floppy fucking tits. And look, four months pregnant. I mean, they are... There are different shapes and sizes of girls. Absolutely everywhere. You love you, Baltimore. You can have anything in the world. Let me ask you, because I know you don't have... I know you don't have latinas in fucking Norway.

1:50:35And I know you don't have black girls in Norway. I know I didn't even do fucking mirrorer. Yeah, exactly. I am here to meet you at the sexual times. Everybody in Norway. T.A. I come in three, two, one. Oi, oi, oi. I am coming now. I am coming now. Thank you so much for interaction. Your Uber is on way. The bloodline continues. Your Uber is on way. Hold on, let me say in my American impression, your Uber is on way. How do you see, because I unleash in the bedroom? Ooh, really? Is that true? Yeah. Tell us more. What types of things do you do after you tie them up and slit their throat and fuck the... Provo. Finally, I am feeling something. I unleash. I unleash on you. What types of things do you do in the bedroom? Teach us something. You just, you know, a relaxed guy. You're so tense.

1:51:39I am so relaxed right now. Do you like to be on top and tell them what to do? Be a good girl. Do you have to answer this? What? Do I have to answer this? Yeah. You're on the podcast, buddy. You know the deal. You had a good minute. The barbershop shit was cute and all, but now we're getting to the nitty-gritty. We're going some surgery here. Yeah, but I kind of liked that to be... So I'm like a dirty little boy. Yeah. Show us on the Arie Matty. What you would do to a girl. So I'm like a dirty little boy. I'm like a... Whoa. I'm like a... Oh my God. Like... I don't think he can show you because they take all their weapons at the back door when they let them in. Come in, like a show...

1:52:44Arie is fully committed. This guy... Remember I'm just a guest, okay? Look at the way Arie looks at this guy. You wonder why all these Eastern European countries are always at war. Just look. This is the making friends, everybody. This is the sniffing each other out at the dog park right now. Oh my God. You said to me when you're like... Like, what do you say? This is incredible. What do you say? It's going to be the first guy to die from him. This guy to die from embarrassment. Whoa. Look at this. Yeah. This is his kill Tony. What a country. Chris Bach. A fun times, man. Welcome to America, dude. This is it. Here in the mix.

1:53:45Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. Big Bach. Chris Bach. All right. Final fucking pull of the night. And then we're putting a rip in on this thing. Adrian, together for Dulce Mac, everybody. Dulce Mac. I'm from Venezuela, don't shoot. I got here before the whole thing. My family used to be rich in Venezuelo. We spent all our money on kidnapping ransoms. They give them back for the right price. I carry their like, eat the rich in Venezuelo. They're like, let's just borrow them. No, it was hard when I started dating in America, because guys always wanted me to speak dirty to them in Spanish. And I had never had sex in Spanish before. So I just like name things around their room. Like La puerta.

1:54:46Los zapatos. You can't say como es eso, so they know that one. There was a cheat a lot here. Yeah, last time I had a cheat on, it was someone really close to me. Yeah, I broke up with him, but I stayed friends with her. Because you only get one mom or whatever. Dulce Mac, what is that? You did it. Welcome, welcome. Welcome, Dulce. Have you been on this show before? I have not. Wow. First time. That's incredible. I've known you since Los Angeles. Dulce is a part of the whole comedy community. Best friends with Kim Kongbin. Best days. You came here tonight with Dedric. Friends with Dedric Flynn. Yeah, best days as well. Okay, very good. Just trying to explain a little bit of background here. How many times have you signed up for the show do you think? Just twice. Wow. Incredible.

1:55:47Fucking poor Joe newcomer. Son of a hundred and nineteen times comes up here. It's electrocuted by the microphone. He's a live hearted. I've seen his arm. I've seen his arm. Good. Did you notice? He drank like water and he's left arm kept hanging. He had a full on heart attack kept going. I really thought something was wrong. I was about to have you. I was about to have you. Before we realized it was just the microphone. I was about to have you drag as I saw it here. It didn't happen on camera. He can go right behind that curtain and go fucking die. It didn't happen. And last thing I needed is that fucking heat. Kill Tony. Actually killing people now. I can't believe it was a white guy. Get the show going. He's turned on the whites now too. He hates everybody. He's going to be happy wherever he dies. I've seen you a few. Of course we know each other. I've seen you so many times around Austin.

1:56:47I love the dead pan shit. Your face says nothing. You just deliver it down the barrel. I love it so much. I've seen you have great sets all around town. You're a big fan. I love it all. I love it so much. I've seen you have great sets all around town. You're a great you're a great comic. Yep, very fun Don't say tell us about your life. We know nothing about you. What do you do for work? Right now I'm on tour with Kim Wow, and I take photos on the side you take photos you get paid to take photos. Yes. Oh my goodness gracious What are you taking photos of? Comedians that need headshots. Wow incredible. You make a lip you can make somewhat of a living doing that She does great little bit. Yeah, she's great. Yeah, you know this. Yes. I have no do say for a long Is she taking pictures at you? No, because if she makes you look good. She's great. No I'm out of the tender profile pictures of the guys here are me. Okay All right What else do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You seem like every chicken osteo have a bunch of little bad tattoos

1:57:53Kind of misshapen seem unhealthy overall, but All right, I'm joking around shut up. I Play pool and I do Pilates. Oh Basically a pool and Pilates. What type of Pilates? Pilates Sounds delicious when you say Green I can't cook. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. Okay. Wow Hot mat Pilates. I'm crazy. You're crazy? What what you know, I never really got Pilate. I literally don't know what it is It's kind of seen the setup for it and I'm like what the fuck is that and someone's like that's a Pilates table And I'm like what I didn't ask anymore after that. It was created by a man to help well We knew that part. Oh Hello, so was fucking everything Wow, it was created by a man

1:58:57It's gonna be an art form where she teach me 101 and they stretch their pussy in front of me in Absolutely different positions Hell yeah, yep Hell yeah And that's exactly how it class goes Amazing, but you a basically you strap in and stretch out Basically, I wish you asked about the pool instead of the Pilates, but all right Where do we put the balls? The black one you lose Yeah Fuck yeah, I need fucking put balls and holes over here, right? All right, I'll say give us another fun fact about your life Because pool and Pilates and really whoa How did that happen? Are we a married or sure? The whole thing we were both in percussa and

2:00:00Our best friend had died and we were like let's get married Wow, then he had deported to Spain Wow, oh my goodness. Who was the president during this deportation? Just kidding. We all know Report it back to Spain. Oh my god. I have to do more flamenco Yeah, it's not that bad. It was sick. It was sick. Yeah, do you miss him? Yeah, sometimes if you wouldn't know if he wouldn't have gotten deported Do you think you'd still be with him? No? Why why do you think you would not be with him anymore? Well, he was He would cheat and he would get kind of crazy like he would try to jump off the balcony on the car But that's like Spanish. That's like you know like If you do not kiss me tonight, I will kill myself That's Spanish, you know, it's like Newspaper there's a Norwegian guy. I know this guy. Yeah

2:01:04You can leave me I will still follow Don't say you know don't say I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday She goes all right, I lied one last bucket plus that all right Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna get through this one quick Make some noise for me since Smith everybody me since Smith here we go We know Mason is a minute for me since What's up guys? How you doing? I went on a date with a girl recently. We were boozing it up We were drinking and after the day we're walking to her car She goes hey when we get to my car don't judge me. I was like what the fuck does that mean? It's a weird thing to tell somebody after a first date, you know like what do you have a dick or something? And I'm a progressive guy I tug on it

2:02:04It's not gay if there's titties It's a bit of a loophole I found So we get to her car and she pulls out a breathalyzer to start the car and I was like shit lady I've had three of those that's nothing to be embarrassed about and then she goes well This is what I mean, and I'm just like penis penis penis penis And then she reached into her back seat and she pulled out an industrial strength air up mattress inflator You know the reverse vacuum she put it to her breathalyzer Oh The car started I didn't know whether I was terrified or turned on Then she handed me a cold Miller life from her console. She said buckle up stupid you're in for a good night All right guys, that's my time Mason Smith that is your story. Yes, that's incredible. Yeah, yeah, wow

2:03:08Yeah, wow and it worked. I was so impressed. We she drove me around all night drinking. I love Bang in an unhinged woman. Oh, yeah, and you know what else is funny? She later we said we had sex later Obviously she was she was wearing a girl obviously a girl It's kind of a chubby she a little bit of slam pig sure and she About to fuck and she goes a little embarrassed and she just undid her fucking girdle and it was like And I was like oh no But I'm a trooper. I still did it hell yeah, I mean you're kind of fat yourself biggers can't be choosers I'm solid as a rock you are I don't know you don't you don't look like it. Yeah, your arms are only the arms, but take a show this Yeah, I mean what are we talking about your? Look at that I'm This I just really like states Wow

2:04:08I got Massachusetts. Oh my god That's a man right there. Yeah, buddy Wow Mason you've been on this show. It's been a long time am I correct? Yeah, I haven't done it since it was at Vulcan Yeah, you used to work at Vulcan, right? I think I was their longest story guy. I was ever four years Yeah, what do you do now? I work at Creek now Hell yeah, okay Would tell us what have we missed about your life the last stuff years? Not a whole lot Whenever I mean just my podcast is really starting to cook what else what else what else? I was on the I was on the broadcast by the way the like first month I moved here They uploaded the episode the audio was so delayed by seven seconds. It's like unlistenable We we redid it and we reposted it and it's got my most viewed one. Wow. Yeah, no shit I've also had Holtzman Kirkman. Okay. All right Mason enough about your podcast

2:05:09Are you like gay to sometimes? Oh, I mean I'd fuck a trans All right That's a little guy I guess Mason we're keeping it moving. This is the end of the episode. Thank you so much Mason Smith ladies and gentlemen Let's go All right Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night. We're only one person concludes a show like this He's an absolute phenom of all the regulars we've had I mean this guy has pure momentum right now never a dull moment Absolutely unbelievable he is a true anomaly Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you this is the real deal Pato Neal Folks Recently started taking Krav Maga Which if you don't know is and is really self defense and combat system pretty intense stuff

2:06:10First class we learned how to blow up a hospital Ah Gotta get them before they get you you know There's a new black panther could have fooled me and I And I don't know who's gonna tell the black panther this But every panther is a black panther That's what makes them panthers, you know Like the movie wasn't called 12 years of black slave

2:07:14You wouldn't call the NWA the black knit all right well you get my boy If they weren't black to be lepers or drag wars, you know civilized cats, okay Thank you Wow Pato Neal ladies and gentlemen has done it yet again Absolutely mind blowing Thank you folks. I mean you've gotten to the point to where the crowd goes crazy upon your name The crowd goes crazy upon the trademark folks what I love about tonight is you are now getting laughs on your setups I noticed you said I've been I've been doing Krav Maga lately and the crowd just started dying of laughter Nobody in the world believed it there are long They're long for the ride they know a big right turn is coming here They don't know what it can be you got all of us fucking laid out on the hospital line the black panther shit is No pun intended black belt material. I mean you are absolutely fucking

2:08:16Shockingly incredible. This is an amazing thing for I think the world or the viewers to get to see What the fuck exactly is happening like why you know It's almost like we're living in an age where like a one hour special is Is almost dull compared to watching somebody win every single fucking week I mean this is just amazing the process of watching you dominate with high expectations every week you're crushing it Let's talk to the other greatest regular in the show's history are you maddy big great You're awesome bad by the way you know that right Yeah, and I love that you have the folks that's an amazing catchphrase and The way even when you grab the mic you're still nervously moving around because that's who you are You're not trying to hide that every joke you deliver is by the book you like really work hard I see you at the mics all the time just working on your shit And as a as like a regular myself, you know, so I can't like

2:09:17Critique you know you're awesome and you're absolutely killing it. I'm so proud of you buddy Thank you. Are you the best? This is your first time on the show. I don't know if you've ever seen Pat O'Neal before but every week He goes at this tempo this intensity lightning fast jokes squeezes it all into a minute and absolutely lays the place out You've seen it all over the past what four decades how long you been to stand up again? Five decades dare I say keep going. Oh my god six decades Holy shit, so you've seen it all well I started in the Soviet Union and you can imagine that it wasn't like easy To do comedy there Everyone here would be arrested And we had the department of jokes Yes, it's just funny. Yeah, I wish I wish I was making this up So and then you submit your material and you have to then the bureaucrats decide what's funny? What's now?

2:10:25Wow, yeah, yeah, would you like to hear some jokes? They wouldn't let me tell Okay, Kaka besnitz. I guess going chill. Yeah, Christian You heard this you No, they would they would limit you know stuff like That they tried to open Taco Bell in Russia, but Russian government didn't like the slogan run for the board They would not or or Russian women are like buses That was it So they would not allow that but I was doing stand up there and this is very your style is very very unique and very intense So there is not nobody I don't know anybody That done something like that was luck with that

2:11:25He's an unstoppable machine so you hear the mic just shocked me really really no that guy was having The shock came right after his arm like this Ladies and gentlemen you got to see it live in the flesh one more time from Pat O'Neal everybody You Guys tonight you guys a fucking see a legend how about one more time for Yakov smear not everybody You can get tickets to his court Yakov dot com why a K O V Dot com he's going to Chicago Boston Atlanta Sacramento San Francisco Hartford Denver St. Louis LA in Tampa and check out his theater if you're ever near Branson Missouri the Yakov theater It is laugh your Yakov tour with Yakovs. How about one more time for Yakov smear not ladies and gentlemen

2:12:31And ladies and gentlemen are a Maddie dot com also on tour St. Louis Washington Florida Providence Houston Sacramento Kansas City Eugene St. Louis Minneapolis Tulsa fucking Chicago somewhere else Unbelievable you guys are working very hard you guys are working like Russian This is what happens when you get to live the American dream you take advantage of it One more time for the great legend arey Maddie Yakov smear not Guys we're going to Las Vegas in November. We're going to Dallas next month Houston after that and of course New Year's Eve New Year's Eve on At the Moody Center here in beautiful Austin, Texas. We do an arena every year to bring in the new year and

2:13:33Tickets go on sale for the next mothership drop that is September 9th at noon central standard time those tickets are for September 21st all the way to December 28 All those tickets sell out in about one minute, so I don't know whether to tell you to refresh your browser getting a queue I don't even know how to do it anymore, but we promise you there's No like pre sold tickets so you all have a chance all at once yet again to get tickets That sell out in a minute don't complain to us or write an email to the website nobody cares It all just goes at once everybody buys them all at once But you do have a chance to get a ticket for the arena New Year's Eve good luck with that you can you can do that Redbin is a stand-up show every Thursday called the secret show at the Sunset Strip comedy club If you like big laughs and high ceilings make sure you check that out and Can I say something yeah? I was I was a little nervous about coming here doing this this audience was incredible

2:14:36We have the best minds in the world People that love comedy and thank you Tony of course fighting me It changed my life. I don't know My audience might watch this and never will talk to me But I enjoy the very much. Well, we loved having you Yakov We love we love people of all different fucking shapes and sizes and ages and wisdom and as a former comedy Stort Dorgay and you being one of the original Mount Rushmore comedy store guys that made it a successful hit You paved the way for literally all of this app and this show started in the belly room of the comedy store 13 years ago I built physically I was a carpenter there Yeah, and I was the one who was building the Bellroom. Wow. Oh my god How it all well? I didn't speak English and the owner of the comedy store gave me a job and that's how I learned That's that's full circle amazing the great midsy shorts started it all for all of us

2:15:42When I was when I moved here you were one of the first person to write me a very nice message. I really appreciate that Thank you so much so much love here Yakov you are the fucking man. We're gonna have you back any time you want You're looking at it another episode of Keltzoni. We did it again. We love you guys God bless you. Good night everybody You You

2:16:45We stood let's go