784 - Just focus on yourself (the science of self expansion)

Hello and welcome to the new mindset who this podcast, my name is Kase Kenney

Ath, Kase.Kennyi Instagram and this is my weekly podcast where I create short

no BS episodes dedicated to helping you become the person you're meant to be

leave your conflict zone and live a purposeful and fulfilling life.

Let's go.

All right.

Welcome to episode 784.

Hello, my friend.

Welcome to a fresh new episode of new mindset who this as always.

Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for supporting me and today I want to talk about how to attract the

right people into your life.

I want to talk about this from the perspective of heart and soul because I

really do think it's a mix of the two because there is a very tangible

shift that happens in life when someone stops trying to find the right

relationship and instead starts to build the right life.

I wrote a book last year called the opposite of settling and the subtitle was

basically build a life you love and love will meet you there.

And I think that is accurate.

Obviously I do, but I really genuinely believe it.

It's a heart and the soul and also some science about this as well.

But that shift, that shift when you stop trying to find the right relationship

and instead you just build the right life, that's not this huge dramatic shift.

There's nothing, you know, no declaration required.

It's much more subtle than that.

It is you simply putting your intention and your attention inward instead of

outward and you start asking different kind of questions.

It's no longer who will love me, but it's what kind of life do I want to live?

And it's also no longer, how do I attract my partner?

How do I attract the right people?

But it's more about what is the kind of person that I'm becoming?

And I know that sounds a little bit cheesy, but that energy changes a lot of different things.

First of all, it fills your days with things that are meaningful and personal.

It means you pursue ideas and hobbies and outlets that surprise actually interest you.

That things that challenge you, things that make you curious, experiences that stretch you and expand you.

So all of this great additional benefit comes from it.

You start learning and exploring and building and becoming, but also something really interesting

happens along the way, which I'll talk about from the science perspective,

but you truly do, like almost measurably, become more magnetic.

And it's not because you try to, but it's not because, you know,

you've followed and created some list of attributes that make you desirable,

but it's because that inner growth has a certain kind of gravity to it.

People who are actively engaged in their lives carry a gravity to them.

They do. You could feel it when you're around them.

These are people who are not waiting for their life to start. They're not desperate.

They are actively participating in their own life.

And that participation is magnetic, truly.

Case in point here, just a little bit of research on top of it.

Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aaron have spent years studying and

coining the term self-expansion theory.

And their research basically offers a explanation for this idea of having a certain gravity

and magnetism to you.

Their theory, self-expansion theory suggests that humans are naturally motivated

to expand their sense of self.

We are human and we are drawn to experiences and people and curiosities and

relationships that help us grow beyond who we currently are.

And we know also that, you know, one of the reasons partnership is so valuable

and it could feel so powerful is because it offers us exactly that opportunity, right?

Through partnership and depth with another person, we gain access to all of these tools

that allow for us to grow, right?

So new perspectives and more encouragement and new environments and new

emotional experiences, new ways of looking at the world.

So a relationship is not just, you know, having someone to co-sign a mortgage with,

it's not simply companionship, it is fundamentally about expansion.

But the research from Aaron here suggests something even more important,

at least to me, which is that people who are already expanding themselves

tend to be more appealing partners and tend to have longer lasting stronger,

more vibrant relationships.

So growth attracts growth.

And then within the vessel of a relationship, you have this incredible expansion.

But backing up order of operations, when someone is actively pursuing meaningful,

personal goals and learning new things and building a life with depth

that, you know, they're participating in, they bring that to the relationship.

And people can feel that, right?

Conversations feel energizing and time spent with these kinds of people

is meaningful and, you know, just being around these kinds of people

is you feel, you feel the energy of it.

Like you and I both know this, think about the people that you've been drawn to in life.

Like you're just, they've got, they've got that magnetism to them.

You know, they're not usually the people who, at least in my experience,

they're not the people who are, you know, trying the hardest to be impressive

or the most confident.

They are people who, frankly, they are genuinely interested in things

in life and curiosities, right?

So this is the person who, you mentioned a book and their eyes just light up

or they won't stop talking about some project they're building

or the city that they want to explore, the class that they decide up for,

you know, this crazy idea they have, those people, those people.

This isn't the, you know, like the performative male thing.

This is real genuine excitement about life.

And that is magnetic, the research shows.

Truly, and we don't even need research to prove this, of course, right?

Authenticity and passion is interesting.

It is, and we are drawn to it.

So self-expansion is magnetic because it creates depth.

And it fills that person's life with stories and learnings and curiosity.

And when you meet those kinds of people, you are meeting a person,

but you're also meeting someone whose life is vibrating.

And they're in motion and that's compelling and that you just want to be around it.

So this is why, like, focusing on your own growth,

everyone always says just focus on yourself, but there kind of is something to it.

This is why focusing on your own growth changes your experience of dating

or even finding friends.

It's almost like paradoxical, right?

It's like when you stop trying to be attractive and attract people

and instead you just build a life that interests you,

you become more attractive and you become, you know, that attractive person.

Because your attention is no longer placed within the realm of how am I being perceived

and what people think of me and how can I be attractive.

Instead, it's directed totally inward learning, discovering, creating.

And, you know, this has very tangible social impacts.

You carry yourself differently.

You don't feel the pressure of every single interaction because there's more to your life than that.

There's a lot more to your life than that.

You have things in your life that bring you meaning.

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And certainly this doesn't mean you just become numb and bivalent and indifferent to a connection.

It just means that your sense of fulfillment is not dependent on relationships.

And that creates the sense of ease.

People pick up on it. People feel safe and energized around it.

And that is the ideal environment for attraction, truly.

And I would say another effect of this is clarity.

When someone invests time into their own personal development,

whether that's creatively or intellectually or physically or emotionally,

they understand themselves better.

I want to talk about self-awareness.

You learn what energizes you and what drains you.

You learn what environment, what cities, what places, what businesses inspire you

in which limit you. You become more aware of what gives you joy and what doesn't.

That is self-knowledge.

And that in turn changes how relationships happen and unfold in your life.

Instead of chasing intensity and butterflies and rainbows,

you instead you take up space and you notice whether someone fits into the life you're creating.

AKA does this person expand me or shrink me?

Do they also bring curiosity and growth to the table?

Right? Those are big pieces of clarity.

And the research from the errands show that relationships thrive in an environment

where both people bring those two things to the table and you expand together.

Couples who engage in new, curious, stimulating activities,

so that could be travel, it could be learning new things or embarrassing themselves.

That fundamentally is what people tend to report as the reason for higher relationships satisfaction.

That's novelty and growth keeps a relationship growing.

People, both people in the relationship are still exploring life and rediscovering themselves and life.

And they grow and they evolve.

And the relationship never then becomes about maintaining. It's all about growing.

And of course, none of this means that working on yourself as a silver bullet

just for someone to appear in your life.

You still have to very much participate within it and you have to step outside and meet new people

and do all these things.

Self-expansion is never a substitute for connection,

but it's worth highlighting here.

Self-focus provides the foundation for a relationship.

When someone is actively building their life and loving their life,

they tend not to approach dating from the place of scarcity.

They're not searching for someone to rescue them from a boring life.

They're not hoping someone gives them purpose or direction.

They're inviting someone into life that already has those things and has movement.

This really changes the dynamic.

It might sound small like a self-help trope, but it changes the dynamic.

Relationships formed around scarcity, form around filling gaps.

But relationships formed around expansion.

Well, that revolves around sharing that expansion together and continuing it.

I think the most reassuring part of this idea of self-expansion

is that regardless of when or how the timing of relationship that comes your way,

you're good.

If you spend your time learning and exploring and strengthening yourself,

your life becomes so much richer.

So much richer, richer.

You experience all of those things and they're valuable with or without a partner.

And when two people do come together and they both bring that expansion, voila.

That's an amazing thing.

So I think the advice here is, yeah, it is work on yourself.

Work on yourself before focusing on a relationship.

Work on yourself.

Then go out and focus on a relationship.

This isn't about going monk mode like the internet likes to say,

but it is about recognizing I think something deeper about human connection

and that people are drawn to vibrancy, to vitality, to curiosity, to purpose.

When you invest in those things personally, you create a life that carries those qualities.

That is magnetic.

And then when someone else who is also doing that, also expanding,

then you cross their path.

Well, the connection doesn't feel forced, it doesn't feel desperate.

It just feels like two energetic, vibrant souls recognizing each other.

Two people, both moving forward, realizing they might may as well team up

and continue to discover the world together.

So just a thought there about focusing on yourself, self-expansion,

and then expansion within a relationship.

If this speaks to you, I wrote an entire book about this, the opposite of settling.

It's all about focusing on your spark, bringing it into a relationship

and then expanding it with a partner.

It's called the opposite of settling.

But that's it.

As always, thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for supporting me and until next episode, I'm out.

Thank you.