Armchair Anonymous: Funny Pregnancy

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anatomist. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi.

Today we have funny pregnancy stories.

Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways.

It really can, you know, we often get gifted, evax, and our other prompts.

And anytime that happens, I'm just grateful.

That's right.

The universe is smiling on us.

Yes.

Please enjoy funny pregnancy stories.

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Can you hear us?

I thought this could be a prank.

I'm like me.

It might yet still be.

AI is pretty powerful.

So yeah.

Maybe a loved one coordinated something and this be a pop-out.

Ooh.

That would be extra special.

What fake name do you want?

Okay, I'm going to use McKenzie.

I don't think I look like a McKenzie,

but I'll tie it in later why I chose that name.

Are you allowed to tell us where you're at?

McKenzie.

Yes, I'm in North Carolina.

Ooh.

What part?

I'm in the Raleigh Durham area,

and Monica I did marry a Georgia Bulldog.

Ooh.

Ooh.

What?

He graduated in 2010.

I mean, I graduated in 2009.

Maybe I had a crush on him.

Was he in theater?

No, he was not in theater all the way with love.

Just he had a theater that had been incredible.

Was he in public relations or the Grady School of Communications?

No, he was in finance.

And then he took a class at the end of college that was like

how to pick a major just for like an easy grade.

And the last thing he should do was finance.

Oh, the list.

He was like, what?

Oopsies.

It's okay, he's doing great.

But maybe he booty bombed over at the spot you were pursuing.

I'm sure we ran into each other.

I did not even know what the SEC was when we started dating.

And then I was like, I will take on the Georgia Bulldogs.

What do I need to learn?

Thank you.

Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story?

I do.

I am mortified that this is the story that was chosen

of all my submissions just to paint the picture.

I have three beautiful kids.

Love them so much.

So I've been pregnant three times.

And pregnancy for me is not a glamorous experience.

Some people are glowing.

Some people feel better than ever.

I am not.

The only glow is like sweat and nausea coming off of me.

So all of my pregnancy feels like I'm living in this sort of bubble.

Like it's not even really happening.

It's funny.

When I had my third child actually in 2024,

I gave birth the whole thing.

Like it's maybe okay, are we good?

And then I looked at my husband and I said,

I'm not pregnant anymore.

And high fived him on the delivery.

I don't think I'd even pushed out the placenta.

As soon as I gave birth to that baby,

I feel better.

I'm like, get me a sandwich, get me.

It's a bizarre thing.

Wow.

I was going to ask if you had boys.

Do you have all boys?

I have girl boy boy.

Okay.

And is it true?

Did you find that the nausea was worse for the boys and the girls?

A hundred percent.

It was from beginning to literally pushing that baby out.

So my daughter, I was only sick for like 20 weeks of it,

but the boys were the full time.

Only 20 weeks.

I know.

Four or five.

Nothing touches it.

Not so fran, nothing.

Like I mean, I've tried all the things.

And then people that have you tried lemon water.

And I'm like, have you tried throwing lemon water up?

I'm telling you, it's terrible.

So anyway, it's just a humbling experience all around

is when I'm getting at pregnancy.

So this story takes place in 2020.

I was pregnant with my second.

A weird time to be pregnant.

That I mean, COVID happened during this.

And it was so scary.

The doctors like don't go anywhere.

Don't do anything.

And I'm such a rule follower.

I was very stressed about it.

Really quick.

I had a glass half full take on being pregnant during COVID.

Because we knew a few people that were.

And I was like, the upside is normally when you're pregnant,

you feel like you're missing out.

I don't know a bunch of shit.

Ponder percent.

And you're not missing on anything.

You're doing the exact same thing everyone.

And my husband was working from home.

And then it was great with the C section.

Because he was working from home for that.

And you're not supposed to pick up anything heavier

than your baby, which is impossible as a mom with other kids.

So I feel like, can you get her out of the crib?

Please.

But for someone who is rule follower and scared of germs,

it's a lot to handle.

So during this course of this, just bizarre season,

I start to feel two little lumps, I guess,

underneath my arms.

Ooh.

So as a woman, you are immediately terrified.

You're like, I have breast cancer.

And it runs in the family.

So I send a message to the doctor like,

we do need you to come in.

That felt really serious because they weren't just

really having you come in for anything.

They were even like skipping regular appointments.

I go into that office, there's a nurse,

and there's a doctor who is older,

which I actually love an older doctor.

I'm like, you've seen it all.

I feel like you know what you're doing.

You're not googling stuff in the back like you know.

So he's doing the exam.

Monica, I'm sure you've experienced this exam.

You're wearing that super cool front open shirt thing.

Yeah, cool.

And he's feeling these spots.

And he's like, huh, this is interesting.

I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so scared.

And he starts to feel one of the spots.

And he goes, oh my gosh.

And I'm like, what?

He goes, it's a nipple.

No, wait, hold what?

I know.

My sister is like, Dax is going to have

a lot of follow-ups on this.

But here's what he does.

Instead of being like, okay, honey, you're all right.

You appear to have grown an extra nipple in pregnancy.

He goes, oh my gosh, I've never seen this.

What?

In all my years.

And squeezes it and milk comes out.

It's lactating.

I've heard about this because there's like breast tissue

that goes up into your armpits.

Oh, I'm so glad it's not cancer.

And then I'm like, what is happening?

He runs out into the hallway.

He's like, I got to get someone else to see this.

So the other doctors are coming in marveling at it.

Oh no.

Oh my gosh, you're right, it does produce milk.

And I'm like, what do I do?

Well, they've heard about this medically

and they haven't seen it and they are pumped.

This is an episode of Friends Rossist thing.

Oh, it is.

Yes, what do they call it?

They're like, nubbin or something.

No, no, no, that's Chandler's nubbin.

I'm like, it's not even just one extra nipple.

It's two extra nipples.

Like, how embarrassing is that?

So anyways, I am left feeling like, okay, I'm a freak show.

Should I just go join the circus?

Everyone is marveling at it.

And he would come in and show somebody

about what happens when I squeeze it.

Oh, this guy, they refer me

to like a breast specialist that they have.

And I go in and see her.

And I'm like, I'm sure you've never seen this before.

I know I'm the only one in America.

She's like, she's like, oh, honey, you have got it good.

I've seen it all down people's arms.

Wow.

Multiple nipples running down the arm.

She said you can get them anywhere.

And she was like, honey, you're lucky that it's just in your armpit.

And I was like, okay, well, thanks.

I don't know what to say.

And she said you can even get mastitis.

Yeah, yeah, clogged.

I was really lucky that that did not happen.

But it's kind of like a running joke

in my friend group that I have this great milk supply

because my babies get so fat so fast.

And I am not like a big person.

So it's just always shocking like how do you have this baby?

I'm like, it might be the extra nipples.

I don't know.

Maybe my body just does a lot.

You're a super producer.

Well, hold on, though, you're back at the duck.

She's saying don't worry.

These can be up and down your arm.

That's comforting.

But my next thought would be, okay, so how do we remove them?

Were you thinking like, oh, I'm going to get these removed?

Yes, I was like, so what do I do?

And she was like, honey, I'd just leave it.

And I was like, well, I don't want to.

Can you see it?

Yeah, you can.

Okay, it's right there.

Do you see it?

Yeah, it's cute, though.

It looks like an ingrown hair.

Yeah, it just looks like a teeny tiny bump.

I'm not pregnant or nursing right now.

So there's no swelling with it.

But you could still just think it's like arm fat that everybody has.

Yeah.

I actually recently went back to the doctor

and she was like, we can remove it.

I was kind of worried about scarring

because I'm like, is it worse to have a scar or to have a nipple?

I mean, these are the deep-hearted and questions.

I had a consult with a plastic surgeon

which turned into a whole thing.

It was on the phone with them for 30 minutes.

They didn't understand.

I was like, just trying to get the extra nipples removed.

They're like, well, honey, how do you feel about your breasts right now?

Oh, God.

Trying to upsell you a little bit.

A hundred percent.

I was like, well, I mean, I've nursed three babies.

Who does feel good after that?

The doctor's in this story suck.

Mine is that one lady.

Yes, she's like, I got you down for a fat transfer

and we're going to remove it.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'm just trying to remove it.

I want to make her feel bad because it's her job.

And I'm like, well, duh.

Like, everyone goes here to do this.

So anyways, I will get the surgery at some point logistically.

I need to find a time when I can actually do that

because I have three young kids.

For the listener, I want to say,

because my mind immediately went to you

also had two new ariolas.

That's not the case.

No, it's a teeny tiny little skin color.

Yeah, I told my sister's like,

Dax is going to ask about ariola's.

I know it.

Well, I think when you hear Nipple

you're associated immediately with the area.

You think of the whole thing.

The whole package.

Super nuts.

Maybe it's a cautionary tale.

You too may have a Nipple and not know it.

I probably do.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like when I've had a clogged

hair follicle in my armpit and that I wrench on that

as if it's a normal pimple.

It just looks like a little skin tag.

What did your husband have to say about it?

I mean, that's great.

He signed up for two boobs and he got four.

Yeah.

Does he ever suck on it?

You don't have to answer that.

Should we wear just laughing?

I told him I have so many funny stories.

I'm one of those people that just bizarre things happen to me.

So I'll always be like, I've got a prompt.

And then I told him I was like, oh my gosh,

I got selected for armchair anonymous.

He's like, what stories is it?

I was like, it's a Nipple.

It's great.

I think a lot of people feel very seen right now.

Yes, totally.

I have a lot of breast tissue in my armpit.

Yes, and I think a lot of women do assume it's fat.

I know someone who there's like plastic surgery,

you can do on that area and when she had it done,

they were like, oh, that was actually breast tissue.

That wasn't fat.

You can tell when you're PMS-ing and your boobs hurt,

I can feel it in my armpit.

So Monica, watch out.

Oh my god.

I truly felt like a science experiment in there

with everyone laughing and coming in.

Well, your sister was right.

I have a couple follow-up questions.

So one is mastitis is something that,

well, I guess it varies among people.

But certainly it was something that Kristen

had to deal with it several times.

And I even had to help at one point.

This is a story that came public.

But at any rate, were you having to express

these other nipples to prevent getting mastitis?

No, I think that can happen to some people.

Another thing is like, it's going to stop producing milk.

You know, that's how you, like, we and a baby

you stopped nursing them.

And so because I wasn't nursing a baby on them.

But you could have.

You could have been like, my boobs tired.

It's stuck on my armpit now.

Sure.

Baby, it was really something.

It reminds me of an episode of taxi cab confessions.

This great reality show that was on HBO early on.

It was real people that took cab rides.

And then the people would talk to them.

Crazy stories would come out.

And this gal had had a breast augmentation

after her last pregnancy.

She just was lactating since that point for years,

long after she stopped breastfeeding.

What?

Yes, that was the uncommon results of that.

Augmentation is that she was producing milk

indefinitely.

All kinds of things can happen.

Sounds tough.

They seemed to like it this couple.

Oh, he was drinking.

Well, this wasn't a story she was ashamed of.

They were excited.

She actually pulled her booboo in the cab

and demonstrated that milk came out.

It was a female cab driver.

She was great at getting stories out of people.

Wow, to each their own.

Oh, well, well, that's a great story.

Yeah, extra nipples.

That's a shocker.

I hadn't heard of that.

I would love to explain why he's the name of Kennedy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so I texted my college friends.

They know how much I love this podcast.

I was like, guys, I don't know if I want to go out

in the world with this.

Now, everyone I know is looking closely at my armpits

and McKenzie text.

She said, use my name, heck, I don't care.

And so she's actually living all the way in Japan right now

with her family.

So shout out to her and all my friends

who were just so pumped to hear

that I was coming on this podcast.

I love it.

And then both of my grandparents on my dad's side were in AA.

I remember as a young kid going to an AA meeting

with my grandfather to get one of his sobriety coins.

And I was just thinking about how cool it is.

I'm two generations removed from that

and how from a young age we talked about AA,

we talked about addiction.

And what you're doing is shaping the next generations.

I think it's a different way to think down the line about it

and it is really blessed our family

just the openness about that.

Oh, wonderful.

Did they have corny sains and bumper stickers

where they all end?

Did they have the one day at a time hung up?

They didn't have any sticker.

He just had his little coins and when he passed away

we all got a coin and it was really sweet.

Yeah, that's my favorite thing I have of my dads

is his box of coins.

I just mailed one of them to Aaron.

Oh, that's awesome.

Well, thank you.

I didn't think this was gonna be my gateway into this,

but here we are.

I love it.

I'm so glad.

We'll take it.

Great meeting you, Mackenzie.

Great to meet you guys.

Take care.

Hello.

Hello.

Do I pronounce your name, Aisha?

Aisha.

Aisha.

Where are you, Aisha?

I am actually in a work trip.

I'm in El Salvador right now.

Wow.

What the hell are you doing in El Salvador?

Well, I'm here with my church

and we're doing some site visits

with some communities that we help.

Okay, it looks gorgeous behind you.

Right now I have a really nice view of the Pacific Ocean.

Oh, wow.

What time is it there?

It is 3 p.m.

Oh, right.

Two hours later.

What happens in the next two hours?

That's my favorite joke.

Where do you live normally?

So I am actually not far from Robbie.

I'm in Lake Zurich, Illinois.

Wobbywob, do you know that?

I do.

And do we think Wobbywob's like the cutest boy ever

from Chicago?

I do.

Oh, absolutely.

And I follow him for all the restaurant tips

and everything.

He's my travel guy.

Yeah.

He kind of is a travel guy.

He should have some kind of newsletter or something.

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Okay, so you had a funny pregnancy.

I do have a funny pregnancy story.

Okay.

So let's set the scene.

I am newly wed about probably a year into my marriage.

And we had started talking about, okay, I think we're ready to start a family setting the

scene.

We had a small apartment, one bed, one bath, and I'm late on my period.

So I'm like, okay, I think I got a test.

In my mind, I had this whole beautiful idea of how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant.

I had started planning it out like I'm going to do this whole thing, but the suspense got

the best of me.

And one evening, I was just like, you know what, I can't even wait any more.

Let's just go get the test.

I told my husband, I'm like, I think I'm pregnant.

So you want to test with me?

And he was like, oh my god, yes, what?

Let's do this.

So into our little bathroom, our door, they had to cut out a space for the toilet.

So when it opened so they would go over the toilet, like that's how small it's very small.

We're like knee to knee and I'm in there and I'm going to do the deed.

You're going to pee on the stick for anyone who doesn't know how this works.

Yes.

I'm going to pee on the stick.

He's in there with me.

We're holding hands.

We're like, our life is potentially about to change forever.

We get the results.

The two lines pop up.

I am pregnant.

I'm instantly locked eyes and I am just shaking and instantly have explosive diaries.

Oh, wow.

Oh my god, but it's perfect because you're on the toilet.

It was perfect.

It was perfect.

Wow.

You know what?

Made me stay sitting on the toilet because usually you would pee and then you get out

and you hate it.

But I stayed on the toilet.

Your body knew.

Well, there wasn't room.

It doesn't sound like to move around with him in there.

There was not.

Locked eyes with my husband and I just had you guys were talking about the Seven Kingdoms

that scene.

Picture that.

Okay.

That's just very...

Fire-hosey.

Fire-hose squirting.

My body is just letting it release everything.

I would have said, oh, it's a boy.

It was a boy.

Yeah.

It was.

There's such rascals.

Oh man.

Oh man.

We're wreaking havoc from the second we're made.

Did you guys just start dying?

Yeah.

I was like shitting, laughing.

All things.

And he just kind of flushed frozen, like, I don't know what to do right now.

A lot of things happened very quickly.

He became a dad.

He saw his wife.

Shivers so good.

It was a lot to take it.

It's a good primer for what's coming with the baby.

Blow out.

100%.

Oh, man.

And how old is that little boy now?

Actually, I actually wanted to pre-term labor with him at about 24 weeks, gestation.

And he was with us for seven hours before he passed away.

Oh, sorry.

So sorry.

It's okay.

You know what?

He may not be with us right now, but I get to share him with the world through stories

like this.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

I wish he was here with the greatest gift is to be able to share his life even though

he's not here.

And so this is like the best way that I could be sharing myself with you guys.

I'm just so honored.

We're honored.

Yeah.

I have a beautiful five-year-old now.

She was in the NICU for about three months.

She was born early too.

And you guys lived in my ears through that whole experience.

And you guys were away from me to escape some of the hard stuff that I was going through.

I started listening because I wanted to escape, but listening to you guys really what that

did to me was remind me that I want to be present.

And I want to live this life and I want to experience the wonderful things and the hard

things that you both have done such a beautiful job at painting a mosaic of this life experience

that we all get to be living right now.

And so thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

You just lived in my spirits like crazy and congrats on your little girl.

Thank you so much.

I have lots of people that love you guys as well.

I would love to shout out my mom, Dee, and I would love to shout out Ashley and Maria and

Emily and my daughter, Eva, who also listens to our cheer and honor.

Oh, lots of beautiful conversations.

Yeah, it's a thought starter.

Sure.

Her teacher says, well, she has a lot of background knowledge.

Thank you for chatting with us.

Yeah.

You have a great rest of your trip.

Love you guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

I love your tiny mic.

Yeah.

The first time we've ever had anyone with a tiny mic in it immediately makes me think of

all those funny Instagram videos.

Oh, it's definitely because I make TikTok videos.

Yeah.

Oh, it's trying to be super professional.

It's great.

Amy, where are you?

I'm in Bardstown, Kentucky.

Okay.

We don't get enough callers from Kentucky.

I know.

I actually was listening to one the other day.

I got excited to hear her talking about Kentucky.

And I get excited hearing you talking about Tennessee, too.

And did you get excited when we had Chris Stapleton on?

He was talking about Eastern Kentucky.

Absolutely.

I just saw him this summer.

You did.

It was spectacular.

Amazing.

Okay.

So, Amy, are you a transplant to Kentucky?

Or did you grow up there as well?

Grow up in Kentucky.

Owensboro, Kentucky.

So third largest town in Kentucky.

But now moved to Bardstown just by way of job and career, college.

And Kentucky's on a come-up, right?

It's kind of growing as well, like Tennessee.

Yeah, we're growing a little bit.

I've been eyeing some farmland over there.

Have you?

That would be amazing.

It's so beautiful.

It's crazy.

It's gorgeous.

My family has a cabin on Lake Malone.

So every time you talk about your lake house and boating, I've grew up on a lake.

So I get excited to hear you talk about it.

Boat season's coming.

Okay.

So you have a funny pregnancy story.

So my story starts back in 2008.

I was 24 years old in grad school, kind of like in my indie era, had a hoop nose ring

in.

I was cool girl or trying to be anyway.

And I had this one particular store that I like to shop for nose rings.

I couldn't find what I wanted everywhere.

So I had this one place I wanted to go.

And so that just sticks in my mind because if I lost a nose ring, I had to go back to that

one store.

So I want to cut.

I don't know if you have any face piercings or anything.

But if you do, you're drying your face, you're sleeping the night.

Sometimes it can come out.

And lose your nose ring.

So that would happen sometimes in this one particular time I was looking for my nose ring.

I was looking my bedsheets.

I was looking in my pillowcases.

I couldn't find it.

So inconvenience.

I got to go to that one particular store and pick up my nose ring.

So again, I'm in grad school.

I'm starting an internship.

I'm starting to become a little more professional.

I was starting to be a school psychologist.

So as I was kind of growing in my profession, I started wearing my nose and bring less

and less.

You know, I wasn't wearing it to work.

So it would only be an evening thing, then it only became weekends, then it became never.

So it kind of just aged out.

Now I've just got a scar on my face.

Will it close up like your ears or no?

Yes, it's closed up.

I can't get anything in there.

Now it's just this hole that's there that I wish wasn't there, but what are you going

to do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Receipt of living, I would say.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So in this first internship, turn job, I met my husband.

He was a special education teacher at the school where I was a school psychologist.

So a little bit of a meet cute story, Monica.

If I like that, it's a good pair dating marriage, eventually we're going to fast forward

to December, 2015.

So seven years later, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I go to the doctor and

I had been having some elevated blood pressure, a little bit of protein in the year and I

had pre-claimcy.

So they sent me to the hospital for bed rest.

So I was there for a couple days, I monitored lots of ultrasounds.

And can you explain quickly what pre-claimcy is?

So I remember we were all watching the Downton Abbey, and one of the characters had pre-claimcy

in the man grabbed the bedpost and collapsed with fear.

Oh goodness.

Yeah.

It can be very dangerous.

Yes.

So what is it?

Really just elevated blood pressure, which then if it gets too high, you could go into

seizures, like it's dangerous for the baby.

So just lots of monitoring and then lots of fluid retention.

What it can go into and then what it actually eventually did go into for me is helps

syndrome.

And that's like really dangerous.

So that's, I wrote it down, a molasses elevated liver enzymes, low platelets.

So if it gets that bad, like for me, I had extreme back pain because my liver was distended.

And then if you have low platelets, like you can bleed out, it's really dangerous.

So the only resolution is deliver the baby.

It's the only way to help the baby or the mom.

So I ended up with that two times with both of my friends.

Oh my goodness.

So before it went there, it was still just that kind of swelling and you're hoping that

you monitored enough to not develop and to help syndrome.

But I'm preeclampsia, I'm laid upon a couch.

My goal is to keep them in for six more weeks, I wanted to keep my son safe.

So lots of moving from the couch to the bed, lots of chilling all through the holidays.

I make it all the way to New Year's Eve on 2015 again, sitting on the couch watching

the fireworks and typical pregnancy swelling.

But I'm really retaining a lot of fluid because of preeclampsia.

So super stuffy, I sneeze, I blow my nose in the tissue is the nose ring from 2008.

What?

No!

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

I said that in the years, this fucking stop it.

And you had no pain or any kind of incline that it was in there.

Oh my God!

No issues.

Where?

I gave you preeclampsia so you could extract this nose ring.

Right?

Where?

What?

In your sinus?

Yeah, I guess just living up in my head.

Oh my God!

I think, God, you didn't get like mercury poisoning or like metal.

Well, I think they have to be sterile to use as rings.

Didn't look rusty?

Yeah, it was like calcified.

Oh!

White.

Yeah.

Okay, now I'm going to ask a perverse question and I'm on record is like, if I'm working

to try to get something out of my sinuses and it's taking a long, long time and it finally

comes out.

And I know I share this with Aaron.

There is such euphoria attached to that.

Oh, fuck you.

That's out of my body.

Did you have a wave of like, oh my God, thank God, that's out.

I didn't know it was in there.

I didn't feel it.

So it didn't even feel any different.

It was literally like, what in the world?

I mean, I was in shock.

Well, it's like, what else is up there if that's up there?

Car keys.

Old Motorola cell phone.

I don't know if I would have had an MRI or something.

But there have been some sort of issue because there was metal in my face.

Well, it might have pulled out.

Wow.

I did send a picture to Emma.

Okay, great.

I'm going to flip it over now.

Oh, sure.

Oh, fuck it.

Can't believe it.

Oh, my God.

It's like, yeah.

It's full hoop still.

Yeah.

But it's open.

So there's that metal kind of hook.

Yeah.

That feels owy.

I think how many times you had colds and stuff?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Seven years is a long time for it to live up there.

I love that you brought it home because I did think at one point what was all the nose ring

chit about.

Sure.

That was great.

Yeah, it was good.

But somehow it didn't cue me in at all to that that was going to project dial out.

Right.

If it never came out, maybe it would have made its way up to your eye.

I think it just would live where it had lived for seven years or over many years.

Just don't know and we won't know because you got it out.

Yep.

Wow.

Did you put it in a loose sight box and put it on display on a shelf?

I think that's warranted.

It is long gone.

Get that away.

Was your husband like impressed?

Oh, my God.

Probably disgusted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Man, that's a long time.

It really is so long.

Like none of your skin was still there, right?

Like your skin replaces itself entirely.

Your organs replace themselves in seven years.

But this thing hung out.

This is going to be like the rat water bottle story where when people lose things are going

to be like, oh, it's in my face.

In my nose.

Yeah.

Well, the next time I'm honking around and I'm like, some's in there.

Yeah, you're going to be fine.

I'm going to think that I as something from when you were 12 years old is up there.

Like a shirt pin that someone gave me or something.

Exactly.

From Disneyland.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

That's great.

I mean, I love that.

So five days later, I ended up having my little one and he's 10 years old now.

You got a Capricorn and he is his own arm cherry.

He loves you all.

And I would love it.

It would be okay if he came to say, of course, you know, man.

What's his name?

His name is Redding.

Oh, great name.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Reddy.

Nice to meet you.

You have great hair.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

And you like armchair anonymous?

Yes.

Do you have a favorite story?

I don't know.

There's just so many stories.

I like to write in the Stanley one.

Yes.

I just talked about that one.

That one really got a lot of people.

I wouldn't have gotten a Stanley after that story.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

You feel really lucky that you listen.

Yeah.

We love it.

It's so nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you all.

All right.

Be good.

Have a great day.

We will.

All right.

Take care.

Made his day.

The only reason that I submitted this story is he's had this event in his life and he's

like, I have to write in.

I have to tell my story.

So he submitted for wild card.

And he wrote it on his own.

I was like, I'll submit it.

But then when I went to submit, I saw pregnancy story and I was like, well, all right.

I'll throw mine in there.

So now he got to meet you all.

And I'll tell him just keep on submitting because maybe he'll have his own talk one day.

Oh, I love it.

Well, lovely meeting.

Yeah.

This is fun.

Lovely meeting you all.

Bye.

Thank you.

Oh, I just love that little boy.

We do.

I want to put them on the team.

Emma, let's try to get that story.

Let's try to get him as an intern.

Let's put him to work.

He did have good hair.

Invisible hair.

And then you are going to grow your hair out.

I'm going to grow my hair out.

And you're going to start doing a hair band.

I always do in that tough phase.

What tough phase?

There's a tough phase.

Oh, a middle phase.

Yeah, that I hate.

And it's abated with a headband.

You haven't had long hair in a while.

It's been a long time.

I don't know if my hair is thick enough or any more, but we're going to find out.

I like it one.

Are you going to do ponies?

I'll do all kinds of, you know, I'll have fun.

Yeah, you'll have fun.

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So we're in March, which means it's a moment to celebrate women.

And I want to take a second to acknowledge some incredible women in my life.

My family, of course, and Monica, obviously, who I get to work with every day.

The women on our team, the women in this industry who are constantly juggling a million things at once.

They carry so much.

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Oh my God, a nose ring up there.

Oh.

That would have been my kink if I had to call in.

Oh.

Anything I got on if you pop a pimple in it.

I just think about it over and over again if I get something significant out of my nose.

In your butt.

I think about it.

Yeah.

But you don't get that with ping, do you?

No.

And it doesn't arouse here.

It doesn't arouse me, but it also is definitely.

There's something else.

Yeah.

There's something titillating about it.

But I'm not like horny from it.

Yeah.

But it's abnormal.

It feels like such relief.

Yeah.

Oh, that's out.

Oh, I'm so grateful.

It's like I'm grateful.

It's gratitude.

It's a lot of stuff.

Do you get that or no?

I don't.

What about when you would have like a bad pimple that was one of your cystics and you would

finally get it and you're not supposed to, but you do it and then it's just so you're like,

Oh, yeah.

Fuck that.

That's out.

Yeah.

I think we've talked about this.

I do like that feeling.

You're saying that you relive that moment.

I definitely don't do that.

It feels good that it's done.

Your brain doesn't record that visual.

No.

And play it on a loop.

No.

Oh, my God.

Mine does.

Not at all.

I have one.

We're two months, three months out from it.

There's one that plays in my head.

At least once in a while.

Yeah.

That's a kink.

Yeah.

But do you have it about other people?

No.

I hate those pimple popping videos and stuff.

That is interesting.

I mean, it's just me getting rid of my poisons and my character defects.

Maybe that's what it is.

It's like I'm extracting the devil out of myself.

I know what I do.

This is really gross.

Now everyone's going to look.

This is like the girl with the nipple.

I don't want to say it.

I like play with my legs a lot.

Any part of it where there's like a hair follicle.

I'm always playing with it and scratching it and trying to get it clean.

Yes.

You don't pinch, though.

I sometimes pinch, but I also know how to get under and then get it out.

But you know, my legs look wild.

From all that activity.

Yes.

You tear them up.

I do.

They're not camera ready.

My legs are not a good look.

But then in the summer, you can blast all that out with some tan.

A little, but eh.

Also because you know I used to shave dry.

So I've done some real damage to these legs.

Shave dry sounds.

Terrible.

I had places to be and places to go.

I gave it a dry shave.

I would do it because I had cheerleading practice and I was a flyer.

So like I didn't want my legs to be here and I did not have time.

We're talking dead dry.

Yes.

I know.

My friend Chino really hated it for me.

I was like, God, I got a little bit.

Listen.

I do what I have to do.

I kind of want to watch you do it, though.

Haven't done it in years.

I feel like it would give me such weird chills.

It would be like the teeth that you would not like it.

No, I wouldn't.

But that makes me want to see it.

Why don't we do shaving dry story?

You're the only submitter.

Like, hey guys, I'll be right back.

You just want to tell this story.

I run to the back.

Hello.

Hi.

Where are you at?

Alberta in Canada.

How's your winter?

Have you been not having a lot of snow like the Rockies haven't?

It's been a warmer winter.

But we just got a big dump not long ago.

So it's been wintering again.

So it's back.

She reared her ugly head again.

And do you like when it dumps and you have an excuse to stay inside?

Because I like that.

It's not bad and the kids like playing.

So that's kind of awesome.

Yeah.

Did we just meet the product of your pregnancy story?

The kid you saw, no, was not a product of this pregnancy story.

That's my oldest boy.

And I have three.

Okay.

So walk us through your funny pregnancy story.

This story was in October of 2015.

And we were expecting our third child.

And we were super overdue.

13 days actually.

So I was ready to get this baby out.

I was trying everything.

So we actually decided to try a shot of castor oil,

which is one of the tricks they tell you to do.

And it worked for our second child.

So we said, let's give that a go.

So we did that and watched the moving.

And hey, let's get some sleep because this could come tonight.

And my husband fell asleep right away.

Of course.

I wasn't able to get to sleep because things started moving.

So I was like, okay, things might be happening.

And at about 230 probably.

It's getting intense enough that we probably should get going to the hospital.

So I woke him up.

He had a shower.

No rush.

Things were ticking along.

Hold on a second.

He had a shower.

No.

Don't some people do that.

They're like, oh, we have time.

Didn't you guys?

Oh.

Yes.

You guys saw.

Well, we had time.

But my wife didn't wake me up at 230 in the morning.

Say it's time to go to the hospital.

And I said, cool.

I'm going to hop in the shower.

That seems kind of funny to me.

Oh, I mean, I guess I get that.

But also it.

Aren't there all these stories?

Like people's water break.

And then they go have lunch.

And then they go to the hospital.

Well, he needs to have a shower to sort of wake his self up.

I had two kids before.

This takes forever.

So it was no big deal.

Lots of time.

No rush.

We called our midwife because we were meeting her at the hospital.

We got in the truck and I remember saying like, no rush.

No need to speed.

Stop at those red lights.

No big deal.

It's about a 25 or 30 minute drive from our house to the hospital.

10 or 15 minutes into it.

Things got really intense really quickly.

And I was like, this is really painful.

I am very uncomfortable.

I was squirm in my seat.

I was sticking my head out the window to try to like cool off to get some fresh air.

And then I got this serious urge to take a big dump.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Well, because am I wrong?

Castro oil also is a laxative.

Is it not?

It is.

Yeah.

So that all was happening previously.

It kind of empties you out.

Okay.

Okay.

So that already happened.

You had done some evacuations.

The evacuating kind of happens.

So I was kind of like, why do I have to go to the bathroom again?

I thought that was over.

This is so embarrassing.

I can't show up at the hospital with pants full of poos.

I'm like working around for like a diaper or a bag or a towel or something.

I don't know what I was going to do.

But I'm panicked.

As soon as I stopped panicking, it subsided.

The urge went away.

And I was like, oh, perfect.

But a couple minutes later, another contraction comes.

And I'm like, oh, man, I got a poo again.

What is going on?

And then I'm like, gee, it's with something coming out.

Duh.

And it's not from my butt.

Oh, my god.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

I'm wearing a pair of like three-quarter length sweatpants.

And I just take my hand and do a little exploring and check.

And I feel a head-shaped bulge.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hair.

Wow.

How far away from the hospital?

We'll see to you.

Are you?

10 minutes probably.

That's too far.

That's a long 10 minutes of your life.

It's so long.

And I started to panic.

And I said, oh, my god, I feel the head.

And my husband's like, oh, no, no, no, no.

All you could say was no.

It's like, yes.

Can't hold on.

I'm going to revisit the shower that I was pretty critical of that no one was supportive of.

And I'm going to say now we wouldn't be in this situation.

Right.

But then maybe he wouldn't have been able to draw.

And he would have done just fine without that fucking shower, Mike.

It's actually Brian.

Well, he's like, I'm so grateful.

I'm clean for this.

So yeah, he starts kind of panicking a little bit.

I realized that he's going to be super useless in this situation.

So I kind of really panicked.

And I'm like, you need to run this red light.

Everything I said earlier is out the window.

You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Because we need some medical attention.

So he starts blasting to get there as fast again.

I'm really panicked.

I'm like, I think we need an ambulance.

So I call the ambulance.

And then when I get on the phone with them and start chatting as soon as we explain what's happening.

We look up.

And the hospital's right there.

So we're like, oh, sorry, false alarm.

We're good.

We get to the emergency room door.

And it's kind of a back side door.

And he stops.

I jump out.

And I'm on a mission to find some sort of medical professional.

My husband is like, oh, can I get to a wheelchair?

And he's trying to be helpful.

But I didn't even actually acknowledge him.

And I just kept walking.

I kind of ditched him.

I walk into the emergency room.

And I'm just power-waking as fast as I can.

And it's a huge long hallway because we're on the back side.

And it's quite a distance to get to the main admittance area.

Did Brian pull into the wrong entrance?

Was there a better entrance?

Probably.

Oh, gosh.

So I laser focus to get myself there.

And I remember I got to the end of the one hallway.

I look.

There's another long hallway.

And I see lights and people ahead.

So I'm like, I'm almost there.

And I start walking.

And I just remember really vividly feeling like I was out of my body.

I was floating above myself, watching myself walk in.

And I almost was like, oh, wow.

This is like an episode of Grey's Anatomy.

It looks like it would be a really good episode.

And then I'm like, oh, my God.

This is my real life.

I remember also looking to my right.

And there was like a waiting room there.

And it was like 3.30 in the morning.

So it was empty.

There was no people except there was one cleaning lady sitting there

like mopping up the floors.

And in my head, I remember thinking like, oh, my God,

I hope that I don't make a mess that this poor person is going to have to clean up.

Don't worry.

She was a ghost.

A couple steps after thinking these things.

And then all of a sudden, like, pop the head pop up.

Oh, I'm walking as all of this happens.

And then a couple steps later, her whole body slipped out.

Under the floor.

I am wearing like a pair of three quarter length sweatpants.

And her head was kind of like at my knee.

And then hold up my thigh.

Oh, my God.

No.

Did you start screaming?

It is so hard for me not to bring up the shower over and over again.

I mean, we're just not in the situation.

I can't believe you weren't already just screaming and screaming for somebody to come help.

You're so nice.

You're just like walking and looking.

A fantasizing about being in a grazing anatomy episode.

It is a good episode.

You pull down your pants and there's a baby there.

I was holding her head and body as I was kind of shuffling along.

And that's when I started calling for help.

I was like screaming to try and get someone's attention.

And finally, they noticed that I was there.

And a couple of people came running up and they're like, what's wrong?

And I'm like, I just had a baby in my pants.

I just babyed my pants.

I just had a baby in my pants is really a set.

And a lot of people get to utter that.

I didn't know what to do.

And they were kind of panic too.

They're like, oh, my gosh, they look down.

And I pull your pants down.

And I was like, oh, well, I'm kind of holding the baby.

So they kind of help pull my pants down awkwardly.

They grabbed the baby out of my pants.

And the record was wrapped around and it got scary.

And it got scary pretty quickly because she wasn't responding to anything.

And she was kind of odd color.

And I was like, oh, my gosh, I kept saying like, is the baby okay?

It's a baby okay.

And so it took a couple of minutes for them to get everything organized.

And they're all kind of shouting things.

And they were like, we need the baby to go.

And they kind of are pulling at the baby.

And I was like, I'm still attached to the record.

The local court is still there at this time.

I'm now sitting on the floor like in a puddle in the middle of the hallway.

Basically, no clothes on.

Here I was worried about just having a little bit of poop in my pants.

They clamp up the local court.

And I remember one of the doctors or nurses.

I'm not sure what he went to like snip the local court and right when he cut it.

This splash of blood squirted into his face from the local court.

And I can tell he was like super disgusted.

But he was trying to act really cool and professional.

And I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

He's like, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

And he was like trying to make me feel better.

I'm just like, oh my gosh, this is just a disaster of a birth.

Anyways, they quickly whisked her off in a way.

She had to go straight to the NICU because she had aspirated on motonium, poop in the womb.

And then they get it in their lungs.

So she was in the NICU for a couple of weeks.

But the funniest part was after the craziness was over.

Just as she was taken away, my husband shows up with a slow backpack Brian.

His hair done.

Come on, Brian.

You didn't need that fucking shower.

It started with the shower.

It got worse and worse.

He looks at me and he goes, like, what happened?

Why are you naked?

Put your fucking clothes on.

I look great.

Oh my god, you're embarrassing us.

And I said, like, you missed it.

It's over.

And I'm like, what were you doing?

He's like, I had to park the truck.

I had to get the truck washed.

All hard was parking at 3.30 a.m. Brian.

Our friends actually tease him.

Because if you know him, he's a big rule follower.

He's also very by the book.

So they tease him.

Like, oh, so Brian, you had to get the perfect spot.

And what were you like counting your change?

25.

I'm like making sure you fill the meter off.

And everyone's like, what were you doing, buddy?

He's like, I got it.

I'm not if you're bad for Brian.

Well, he shouldn't have thought he had time when the head was already popping out.

I called it immediately.

Like, this is a shower is insane.

But we love him.

And he's a good dad and a good husband.

He is.

Not the best of childbirth situations.

Oh, man.

Oh, well, Heidi, this is a humdinger.

That was good.

I'm glad everyone's safe and healthy.

Because yikes.

She just stood up and gave birth.

Vertical birth.

Into her pants.

Baby, your pants.

The baby in the pants is now a 10-year-old fiery little angel.

And actually, it's my other daughter, my older daughter,

who we listen to armchair anonymous all the time together.

And it's a special time that we love.

And she's always excited and hopes that it's appropriate for her

because some of them are like, I don't know.

Most baby.

That's fair.

Like, maybe she didn't listen to kinks.

My daughter's love you guys, especially my second.

She also watched parenthood with me recently.

I've rewatched her.

And it's so good.

Of course, we love Crosby.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I'm very lucky to have gotten to do that.

I just appreciate everything about you guys.

I've been an armchair each since day one.

And I just listen to them all.

And I love you both.

Thank you.

We love you back.

My kids would like.

Yeah.

Of course, get them in here.

Hi, kids.

Oh, my gosh.

They're all here.

The baby in the pants is here too.

Yeah.

Tonka.

What's everyone's name?

Amy Charlotte.

I'm Riker.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, we're grateful you guys listen.

Yeah.

You have a favorite armchair episode.

Is there one story that you always want to tell people?

Well, the most in the world.

Yes.

Yes.

It's quickly becoming evident.

Now, this story will be their favorite one probably.

Yeah.

It's a good story.

It's a banger.

Well, lovely meeting everyone.

Tell Brian.

We love him.

And my apologies for being hard on him.

Yeah.

He's going to love it.

All right.

Take care.

Oh, my God.

We're meeting families today.

Mothers are incredible.

They'll do what needs doing.

That story is similar to Elizabeth, Elizabeth and Andy.

Their second kid, she had in the car.

She had as they were pulling right up to the hospital.

The doctors and nurses like Russia to meet them at the car and who's born in the car.

And didn't also Seth Meyers, his wife delivered in the foyer of the apartment building.

Yeah.

I prefer to have it in the hospital.

I think most people that's preferred.

That's if you can't.

Maybe you.

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

I'm going to play a theme song.

Oh.

Okay.

Great.

We don't have a big song for this new show.

So here I go, go, go.

We're going to add some random questions.

And with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

I'm a fire rindish.

I'm the fire rindish.

Enjoy.