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Welcome back to your ask uncut where we unpack your deep and burning questions!
Do you argue with your partner about household admin?
Vibes for the week:
Sensor light link
Britt - Marlo & Co Dog seat cover
Laura - Queen of Chess documentary on Netflix
Keeshia - @breeonabudget and Petrol Spy App
Then we jump into your questions!
WANT MY BF TO USE A PET NAME EX USED
Is it weird to want my new boyfriend to call me the pet name that my ex used to call me? I am not one for pet names, especially ones like Bub, babe, lovey etc. But in my past relationship I adopted the name potato. Yes weird, it was because part of my name was similar to the word potato in his language, but I loveddd it. Whenever I heard it I felt giddy and personalised and special etc. I really miss that word lol and yearn to be called potato again. I am very much moved on from my ex and love my current partner and saying potato doesn’t bring ex desires. So is there a way that I can ask or play out to my new partner that I want to be called potato? Or do I very sadly let this go haha
FRIEND CONSTANTLY STORY TOPS ME DURING CONVERSATIONS
How do I call out a friend that constantly brings up her own experience/s when I share mine? For example, if I share something about my kid, she won’t even acknowledge it and just share an anecdote about hers. Or if I tell her about a work thing, she’ll respond by saying how she’s been so busy and her manager is being difficult. Sometimes I think she’s trying to show me that she gets it and is being relatable. But talking to her is so invalidating and exhausting but I also don’t know how to call her out on it?? It really seems like she thinks she’s being a good friend when really she’s making every conversation about herself!
PARTNER DELETING SEARCH HISTORY
I’ve been with my partner a decade, we are about to get married very soon. Since early on in the relationship, he's always followed loads of women that post very sexy content and actually just loads of women in general, often liking posts. This used to really affect me when I was younger and it made me feel super insecure. He was fully aware of how I felt about this though. Time and time again I was having to remind him of why this hurts me and I wasn't okay with it, even though he'd continue. But then he turned it down over the years. Fast forward to now. I feel so much more secure in myself and I feel like I've grown so much over the years with my self-confidence. And I also trust him, honestly, rarely thinking or worrying about what he's up to on social media. However, just today I asked him if I could look at something on his phone or on Instagram. My phone was dead and instead of him just handing his phone over to me, he kept the phone and went to the search bar and asked me, what do you want to look up? About to look it up for himself. As he did this, I noticed he quickly started deleting multiple searches from his recent search history. I immediately asked why he felt the need to remove his searches, and why it was an issue for me to say he didn't really give me an answer of what the searches were, but said he didn't want to get in trouble. I asked why he felt like he'd get in trouble, and obviously it was something that would be upsetting for me to see. The fact that he decided to remove them immediately in front of my eyes. He said he was sorry and it was something he shouldn't have been looking at, but didn't really admit to. What now?I wouldn't say I've ever been a controlling partner. And I know it's so normal for men to look at other women and think that they're attractive. He has free will, and I have no right to be looking into his search history. However, my issue is with him seeking women out in social media constantly, even when he knows it gets under my skin.
It's made me feel really icky. Is this normal? I don't feel like I'm asking too much to expect of a partner that isn't looking at other women on social media constantly, or am I overreacting?
PARTNER DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN OR LET LOOSE
My partner and I have been together for 8 years. We live quite different lives where I work in a bar which is social and I often go out afterwards and he has a standard 9-5. We own a house together and are getting married in May. We went to a wedding on the weekend and I noticed on the dance floor all these happy couples dancing, paying full attention to one another and both laughing and letting loose. My partner doesn’t behave like this, is quite awkward and seems like he doesn’t know how to dance or ever fully let loose. Others have noticed this too…….How can you get your partner to loosen up a little or is expecting this of him too much?
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Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. This is
our skunk cut where we answer, you're deep, you're dark and you're burning question. I have a
question for you all. Do you guys ever try it with your partners about Adbin? Oh I am in a
do I do anything else? No, I don't. We don't live in the same country so we don't have any Adbin.
I need to check if this is okay for me to share before it goes out. Kisha, no, the answer is no.
No, I know where Kisha's going. It is not Kisbek. We had a forgiveness on Saturday and then I saw
Brittany very shortly after and she was shooketh to her course. She was like, did people actually argue
like this and I was like, yes Brittany, all the time, what are you talking about? I've just never
had a, I have never in all my relationship history argued or known anyone to argue like Kisha
argues. I would love to know Kisha, you're a fast little number. I am fiery and I can be a little
bit stubborn and turns out my, I think my partner's way more stubborn but we got into an argument.
I actually can't even remember what it was that it stemmed from. It was probably something so
stupid it always is. It's always like about some like, you know, you didn't take the bins out of
some shit but we got into an argument and we were driving to go and meet Brett and we had
Bonnie in the car and so we're gonna get the dogs to meet up and anyway we got like to the end
of our street. We were just, we're having a crack at each other and I stopped and he just got out
of the car and walked home and I went to Bondo by myself but what was the fight about? What were
you arguing about? I know. Do you? Yeah, you told me. He cooks for spend seven hours cooking when
he won't do any housework. And you were like, that's right. And he was spending hour and a half
putting the gym timer up but we do the bin. Yes, student do the bins. It started from something
very small. Anyway, he's got an outlook on. He just, you just walked home and I was like, am I supposed
to stop and wait for you or am I supposed to continue to Bondo? Anyway, I got to Bondo and I told
Britt and she was like, what the fuck? I was God's man. It's like when you're a kid and you're
being a real little shit in the car and your mum would pull over and be like, if you don't stop,
you can get out and walk. I had to walk so many times. Yeah, I put out before. That was a kid. My
mum was threat nurse. She never actually made me get out. I don't think I ever got out and walked
anywhere but I was scared of the threat. Oh, I got my 10,000 steps in nearly every day.
I guess she was quite a problematic child. We would never do that to our kids these days. Like
back in the day, you could be like, get out and walk her at a highway like, you know, 17 kilometers
from home and you'd be like, so long as they're home before dark now. No, wait, no chance in hell.
Like, I don't even think it's occurred to me to pull over and threaten that because I'm like, I don't
want to send my kids to therapy. But I feel like the flip side of that is that all of our children
are just going to grow up entitled. Like, they've never been threatened anything in life. No, mine
because mine are frozen. Okay. If you don't behave, I'm going to defrost you. I'm going to defrost you.
Can I get a quick read of the room? Are you more like me in this situation or brick? It was
shook us to her core that we have a fight like that where he would get out of a car.
No, because I just keep driving. I've seen Laura's fight style too. Laura's in match. You guys
are on par with each other. Thank you. No, the difference about Matt and I, though, is like we
antagonize each other on purpose. And like, it seems like a fight from the outset. But we're
we're like, up, up, up, up, up, and we'll go up and up and up and up. And then one of us will
storm off. And then 10 minutes later, they come back and we're both laughing at each other about
it. Like we, we de-escalate faster than what we actually escalate, usually. And it always
been there since some of them. No, you were there for that one. Matt came downstairs and we started
laughing. Yeah, but in the entire, the one argument, I cried in the spa. You've known me for
seven years. The one argument that Britt always brings up, we had it in front of her. And she was
like, I'm going to go stand outside. She was on the phone to meet Shuri. It was like when your parents
fight, you know how you're like, please don't break up. I think that's an act of kindness.
That shows you how close in the fold you are. But it also is one of those things where like the
entire argument transpired and we'd made up in the space of about 15 minutes. Like it's such a quick
turn around. I admire that. We don't stay in the anger at all. No, I needed to get Keisha's
follow-up too. I said as soon as you get home, I said, text me what happens, do you kiss and make
up? What happens? How long are you fighting for? Is it 24 hours? Is it going to cook you
do not anywhere? I got the update. So it didn't last too long. No, just a week. I require a lot longer
than you do to come out. No, mine is, mine is like, I'm very, very quick to come back. And it
always is that one of us will make a joke. And then the other one's like a fuck off. Then it's all
five. And then they just finger each other. What is wrong with you? Everything. Why? Why is
I so shocked you as you were? The reason why you're with me? You guys are the ones that get out
of the car. I really hijacked that story though. Sorry. It was particularly topical. It only
happened the other day. Oh, look, there's not a lot to this. But the reason why I'm asking is
because I feel like increasingly in the last couple of weeks, Matt and I, the only thing that we're
fighting about, and it's not even a fight, but we're bickering about like an old married couple
that have been together for way too long is admin. But we bicker about who does more admin,
because Matt does objectively. He does more admin without a doubt. I'm not trying to argue with
him on that. But I feel as though because he does more of it, he thinks I do none. And so like,
it's all these, it's the extremes of it. Is that when like you booked Poppy into the hospital
for a health expert? That admin that you do? Poppy is five months old and I still haven't registered
her for Medicare, but it's fine. It's going to happen. I reckon that's where it stems from.
Anyway, I just don't know, I don't know how you get out of this. I feel like we're in a point
scoring situation at the moment where we both think that the admin that we contribute to our
relationship is equally of value. And I know that someone like Terry Cole who we've interviewed on
this podcast is all about good relationships and boundaries setting would be like, you're both
just too set on winning. And the truth is, yes, we fucking are. And we both want to win this argument.
I'm so sorry. In my relationship, I am the Matt here. And I need to tell you that all he needs is
a bit more appreciation for the admin that he does, because not all admin tasks are made equal.
It's true. He just wants me to appreciate the admin. Yeah, you're ungrateful bitch.
You're not even and you know it. You know it. Because I was just like, say, yeah, I get it.
There's always one person in a relationship who's the admin person and one person who's not.
Why do everything in my relationship? Except cook. Everything. But I get that's very specific.
It might be different one day on Ben lives here, but like, I am over adulting man. I do not want
adult anymore. I have to, but I have to because he can't do it. He's not in the country.
No, it's a tribute. You're going soon. You're not here for that much longer.
The stuff like if you know if your car breaks down or something or like you need to put a tire on
it's a little things where you've got baby, can you go fix the tire? No, I have to do everything.
When did the car break down? Oh, time. When did the tire break? I'm pretty sure I took your car
to the mechanic the last time you had a flat tire. The one before that. Oh, I got. Okay, this was
my question that I had to ask though. Is there in every relationship one person who is the admin
person? Yeah. And one person who rides on their coat tails? Absolutely. Is there? Because I think
I'm having the right of my life right now. You are. You're like Aladdin. You are like Aladdin.
And he's like appreciate me, but I'm like, I can't admit that you do more or maybe you
will be the person. You're your own worst enemy. I swear to God. Anyway, guys, what's your vibe
to the week? Okay, my vibe for the week is one I actually got from Keisha. Keisha's had it
for a little while. It's a grounding mat. It's not a grounding mat. It's a Shakti mat. It's not a
light. The sensor light. It's not a wind blower. I reckon I get two messages a day from people
asking for the link to the sensor light. You know what? I'm going to put it in this episode. Okay,
just so that everyone who wants to do it. And do we get paid for it? Yeah, we should. We shouldn't
affiliate link for that. This one is if you have a dog or multiple dogs. It is from Marlow and
Co. Obviously we're going to link it. But it's basically like a platform seat thing. So it's like
you put it in the back of your seat. It hooks onto your back seat. But it almost just extends out
where your legs would be. So it just gives a bigger, harder area for your dog to sit on. And then
it's got like these little seat belts, the holes that come through so you can clip your dog in. It's
very safe. It's got zippers up the side. So it gives them a space. It gives them more space to actually
be able to lay down. You can just brush off sand and water if you've been at the beach. It's just
not that I've had a problem. Delilah is a really good traveler. She just gets in the back in
one spot, sits down and doesn't move. Like she's not chaotic. But she does come with me a lot of
places. So I feel like it just gives her more space and a safer space. Isn't it also it stops all
of her hair molting all over the car. If you've got a dog that molts, isn't that the whole purpose
of it? It's not the whole purpose. But it's also, yes, it's like a protection. So it's like it's a
platform. It goes over the whole back seat. So yes, it will stop sand and everything falling down
into your carpet. That's the biggest thing. Like Buster, I love him to death. He is my angel,
but my god, his hair. It's everywhere. It's such like thin needlies like that hair. Do you know
I had my car detailed and they couldn't get the hair out. So they just spray painted the carpet.
Do you know how I know this? Because you gave me a floor runner rug years ago. I'm talking like
nearly three years ago. I'm still getting Buster's hair out of it. That's true. Yeah. And it gets back
you nearly every day by the robot. But this shirt is actually just made out of Buster fur.
For Buster, I think the best thing about the platform thing is that it is hard. Like if you insert
these bits in it. So if you have multiple dogs, it gives them quite substantially more room
in the back of your seat. So you can get like a lot of car seat covers, obviously, which will do the
sand and the hair problem. But the reason that this one is so good is because they just get so
much more space. That's it. All right. Well, look, I have a vibe at the week. It is rogue at
bear with me because it's not something that I would normally be interested in or care about.
A diary. It's about Admin. It's a diary. It's an admin organizer. No, it is a documentary
on Netflix. It's called Queen of Chess. And it came out this year in 2026. So it's actually
fascinating. Like I don't care for chess. So I feel like I'm the perfect person to recommend this.
I don't care for chess. I don't know how to play it. I've never showed any interest in it whatsoever.
However, it is fascinating because it centers around this woman. Her name is Judith Polgar.
She's from Hungary. And it's around her rise to success and around how like deeply misogynistic
chess is as a game. It has always been for the gentleman. There's never really been positioning
for women. She became a grandmaster. She was a youngest grandmaster and she became that only
15 years old. The reason why this is so fascinating is because not just of her and her sisters
who are chess prodigies, it's because of what her father did to create her. And so there is this
real thread that runs through the documentary around can a genius be created or are they born
a genius? Her father, he conducted a social experiment on his daughters. It's your face just
then is exactly how I felt. However, he is a very loving man. You've got to remember this is
post-war Hungary. They were destitute. And he was like, what can I do to get this family out of
poverty? And this is a communist time in Hungary where everyone's supposed to be in an even playing
field. But he was like, what can I do to get us out of this poverty that we're in? And the cheapest
thing that he had access to was a chess board. And so his children played chess every single waking
hour of the day. Have you seen all they do? It's not, well, I mean, Queen's Gambit is probably
has some loose ties to this. I've watched Queen's Gambit, but that's obviously a fictional story.
The story itself, and like I said, the part that I found so fascinating was how her father
parented her. She doesn't have any animosity towards him now, but at the end of it, there is some
really interesting like psychological moments throughout it. Her rise to chess fame is incredible.
It's also set during a time where chess was a really prolific cultural movement. And I
fucking loved it for someone who's got no interest in chess. I thought it was utterly fascinating.
It's called Queen of chess. It's on Netflix. And it's a really fascinating time in history.
Cool. My vibe this week is very different to those two. I actually got this from an Instagram
account. I guess it's kind of like a double vibe. The Instagram account I got it from is Bri
on a budget. She's got nearly 100,000 followers. She's actually from Newcastle, which is my hometown,
but I've never met Bri before. And she has really good tips and tricks on underconsumptions.
So like how to save money, but in ways that doesn't make you not have a life or not enjoy yourself.
And it's this app and it's called Petrol Spy. And so you basically just download it and you can
you have to allow it to check your location. And it comes up with every single price of petrol
in your area, particularly relevant at the moment when petrol prices are skyrocketing.
Insanely high. And you know, continues to climb and climb and climb. So I found it really,
really useful. And the other day my car got quite low. And so I just opened up the app and like,
you know, there's I live in Sydney, like there's a million petrol stations around, but one was like
10 cents cheaper than the other. So I just went to that petrol station and filled up. It all adds up.
Yeah, I reckon I probably saved 15 bucks from it. So if you are, you know, money conscious and
you want to find it's the exact same stuff. It's just cheaper at certain places. So Petrol Spy
is the app. And I found it quite useful. Amazing. Well, let's get into your questions.
All right, question one. Is it weird to want my new boyfriend to call me the pet name that my ex
used to call me? Now, I am not one for pet names, especially ones like Bubbaib, lovey, cutie, etc.
But in my past relationship, I adopted the name potato. Like, um, lola.
Little potato melon. Yes, weird. I know. But it was because part of my name was similar to the
word potato in his language, but I loved it. Whenever I heard it, I felt giddy and personalized
and special. I really missed that word. I feel about potatoes. Especially the low carb ones.
I really missed that word and I yearned to be called potato again. I am very much moved on
for my ex and I love my current partner and saying potato doesn't bring ex desires. So is there a
way that I can ask or play out to my new partner that I want to be called potato? Or do I very
sadly have to let this go? Haha. You cannot ask your, your now boyfriend to call you potato.
You fucking can. You can. You can. You can do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean it's,
this means you should. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it.
This is funny on so many levels because even if, okay, great that it doesn't remind you of your ex,
that's great. I understand that like you feel good with a name. So if you want to be called potato,
sure. My question is, I don't know if you can pick your own nickname. I don't think you should go
to your partner and be like, my nickname from here on in this potato. Like, that's weird to
me to be like, can you now call me potato? Because if it doesn't come naturally, like a nickname
or an endearing name in a relationship comes very organically. I don't think you go to them and say
from now on in, I'm called potato. I'm here on in. I want to be named solely as potato. I wonder if,
okay, usually nicknames come up and nicknames often are the same nickname that each person calls
the other. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you start calling him potato, will he call you potato?
No, they can be different. Like how you and Ben both call each other squids. That could be the same.
You could just call him Tates or Tater Tots and see if he starts calling you potato.
Actually, I don't think Ben has like an I call him squid, but I also call Delilah squid and I
also call my niece squid, squidlet. Like, I love that's the squid family. I love the
calamari. I love the under the sea family. But I don't think Ben, he'll sometimes say squid,
but he doesn't really have a nickname for me. I'm just like a bait. Hey, baby. Like, that's what he
says. I don't know. I want a nickname. The weirdest nickname I've ever had was pooch,
so I dated a guy who called me pooch because he thought, I don't know if he was just calling me a
dog, but he thought puppies were really cute and then he'd always like, every time we'd see a dog,
he'd be a little poochie and then he was like, and you're so cute. You're like a little pooch
and then somehow I just turned into pooch. And at the time it was really endearing and now looking
back, I'm like, that's fucking weird. It's what happens with nicknames. They're weird and then
all of a sudden you're like, I'm special. I'm a pooch. I do think that what you said about the
fact, you don't get to pick your own. No, you can't. I don't think you can ask a potato. Maybe
you could ask for a different roast vegetable, but you need to like plant the seeds. Well, if Ben
came up to me and he's like, could you now call me sexy head or something? Whatever. I'd be like,
no, like it's weird. If someone tells you it just has to be natural. So I don't know how you
would organically, unless you're like cooking one night, you're like, potatoes are cute. I love
potatoes and hope he picks it up. I don't know. You know what? Call me potato for now on,
because I love them so much. I think the thing is though is like even knowing like for myself
having that as a nickname pooch was like fucking 15 years ago. And it was cute at the time.
I would never try and get a new partner to call me that name. Even though I like quite
enjoyed it in that relationship, I think it's like special to the relationship. It makes sense
from the relationship. It's a nickname because it's come off the back of something that is meaningful
to that person. You said it was, you know, potato is close to your name in his language.
It has no reference for your current partner. So to just get him to call you potato, it won't
even feel the same because it doesn't come from the same like cute inspired meanings. She's like,
do you know my last name in Croatian is potato? She's trying to get him to think about it.
Nick, names are sacred to the relationship. Also, like I know you say you're over your ex and I
truly believe that, but I do not believe that if you are every day or all day called an nickname
that you had such a fond attachment to in that relationship, I don't believe that there's
going to be no thought or no feeling it ever pops up. And I'm not saying it's like it's not going
to be like, oh my god, I miss him. But that is the association. That is the period of life. And
as humans, our senses are far too high to not be able to associate it with that.
You form a new nickname like that special to you guys and you will eventually love that nickname too.
Like if that's what your partner uses for you all day and you have that love, you will form
that bond again. It's just that you need to find what that new thing is. Yeah, but even so, I don't
think that you can say I want you to come up with a nickname for me. Like if that's not in his
normal remit, like if he doesn't just spontaneously come up with that, nicknames don't stick when
you tell someone to use it. Do you know what I mean? They're only stick because the person who's
come up with that finds it endearing as well and wants to use it for you. I think what you could do
is I think you as much as I say you can't go and say give me nickname. I think you could in a way
sit down and say hey, like should we come up with cute nicknames for each other? Like I think
you can have that conversation or play this in the background pretend it's not you and then say
what do we don't really have nicknames for each other? Like make it organic, play this on the TV or
something and then say and then he'll think about it and then you've got to force it the worst
it's going to be. I know, but it's obviously important to what she's written in. My other nickname
which I would call exes was tuts. I would call them I thought it was like my little microfeminist
moment. I would call them tuts and they all liked it just to diminish tuts. And so I was
fucking your knees. Thanks tuts. All right, next question. How do I call out a friend that constantly
brings up her own experiences when I share mine? For example, if I share something about my kid,
she won't even acknowledge it and she just shares an anecdote about her kid. Or if I tell her about
a work thing she'll respond by saying how she's been so busy and her manager is being difficult,
it'll just be something about her work. Sometimes I think she's trying to show me that she gets it
and is being relatable. But talking to her is so invalidating and exhausting and I don't know
how to call her out on it or if I should call her out on it. It really seems like she thinks she's
being a good friend when she's just making every single conversation about her. When I read this,
my very first thought was, oh, your friend has undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe she has diagnosed ADHD.
She doesn't know that she's like conversation mirroring. So like a lot of people do this as a way
of showing that they understand and they relate to. They actually do it. They're not doing it to
try and story top you. They're doing it because they want you to know that they understand the story
that you shared and they feel connected with you because they have a similar story. But that's also
not ADHD thing. That's just a relatability thing. A lot of people do that. Oh, it's very symptomatic
about ADHD though. It's actually got a name in ADHD spaces. It's called relational storytelling or
anecdotal empathy. And I didn't know that this was a thing until I was diagnosed and then I realized
that all of my closest friends also had ADHD and that's why they never brought it up. The fact
that they thought it was so rude because we all do it to each other. I think it's crazy to
limit that to ADHD. I understand it's a symptom of ADHD. But I think most people, that's a very
natural thing to do is to say, oh, that's happened to me too. Yeah, I think that the reason that they're
doing it is the important factor here. If they are doing it because they don't give a shit about
your life and that they only want to talk about themselves, that's obviously very self-centered and
you don't want to be friends with someone like that. Most of the time, and I think I hope I fell
into this category more and I didn't realize how much I did this, which is why I kind of feel for
your friend if they also don't realize that they're doing it. But it was something that I did a
lot and I found out after the fact, I thought that I was showing you that I understood the emotion
that you were experiencing because I was sharing a story about how I had experienced something similar
and therefore we could work on a solution together because it was something that I also related to
and I understood to a deeper level than just hearing you and being like, oh, that sucks. But I
think that's hard. I think that's like 80% of people. I think everybody thinks that. If somebody tells
you a story, that's something that's happened to them and you know, that's also happened to you.
The very natural thing is to also say, oh, my God, this time, this session, session, session,
session, such happened to me and then all of a sudden the conversation continues. You show that
you want to stand each other. But what you said is the key. It's the why and you've said it. You
said in here, I think she's just trying to show me that she gets it and be relatable. Like if you
know the why, I don't think you call someone out on it. You don't call a friend out and say, well,
like, fucking stop, stop stopping me. To be fair, I felt embarrassed when I found out I did this a
lot. I felt embarrassed because I was playing situations back in my head and I realized how common
it was and I was like, oh my God, how many people have thought that I was so rude and I'm actually
glad I found out that I did it because it made me be able to put strategies in place so that when
I was in a conversation with someone, even if I felt that impulse to be like, oh, jump in with
your story, I had to remind myself of being like, no, most people in the population perceive that
as being really rude, they just want to talk about themselves now. So finding out for me,
although initially it really sucks because you're quite embarrassed about some of your past
behavior and feel a bit ashamed about that over time, I'm really glad I found out.
Yeah, I think it's in how you do it. I think that there is a conversation there. I mean, especially
if you're at a point where it's affecting your friendship, if you're not able to have conversations
with your friend because you feel like everything you say feels as though they're not even validating
what it is that you're saying to them, their instant response is to tell you how they've experienced
the same thing, especially when sometimes the example that they bring to the table is actually
juvenile in comparison to what you've just experienced. It's really invalidating, like
incredibly invalidating. And I think if you're feeling like this on repeat instead of just discarding
the relationship or the friendship, which is probably where you're going to get to if you're
that frustrated by it, is having a conversation and kindly letting them know that sometimes they
do that and be like, I know you're not trying a story top, but I just need you to tell me that it's
going to be okay, not give me your version of this. I would never. I would never. And I think
it depends on what it is, right? If it's about your divorce, it's your husband's cheating on you,
if it's somebody's really unwell and they're sick or they're in hospital or they're dying or they
have passed away or something that you know is really serious and heartfelt, of course. Like,
people want to be heard and listen to and understood. So if it's these things that you were trying
to talk to your friend about and then not even validating that you've said anything and they're like,
oh, my grandma died too. And like, they take that from you. I think that's the conversation. But
when it's about something that's like, you're just saying something about your kid, the only thing
they've probably got to talk about is also their kid. And I think that that's a real bonding thing
when it's about, but the two examples she's given is like, if she says something about work or her
kid, I think that's pretty crazy to have a sit down and say, stop storytelling when I talked
you about my kid. Like, that seems weird to me. I don't mean I don't mean have an intervention.
But I mean, what you can say is is like, I just really want to debrief with you on this because
this is like upsetting me or something that is, if there is something that is upsetting you and that's
one of your closest friends and you really want to talk to them about it, but you're never able to
get past the just telling the story part because the conversations cut off and then they're telling
their story. If that's happening on repeat, I think that there would be a kind way of going about
it so that you actually have a conversation that's not just, do they ever ask a quick, like, if I
was telling you about my life, but you never asked a single question and only responded with your
life, I probably would stop telling you about my life. I'd be exhausted. But you're saying what I
just said, you're just saying it but something that really upsets you. Her examples are not. She's
like, I say something about my kid and she'll say something about her kid. That's how a conversation
work, but it's probably the frequency. I just think that like, when you, I'm all before, you guys know,
like the number one thing we say here is like, have a conversation with your friend, with your partner,
like, be, be communicative. I hate that word. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I over-enunce
that word every time. Communicate. Well, like, that's the number one thing we say here, but I do
sometimes think occasionally it can cause more damage than good. And sometimes in a friendship
like that, if you know it is so innocent and they have a really good heart and it's day-to-day things,
maybe you don't speak as often, but I think you give grace to some people. Like, she maybe wanted to
talk about her issues at the same time. Like, if she is also going through the same things, if she
also has shitty work and shitty kids, I just think you have to choose your battle sometimes. And
people do communicate differently. If you know there's no healing tense, sometimes I think, okay,
is sitting down and saying to my friend, you've got a stop story topping me. Or like, when I talk to
you, just listen, it's going to cause some kind of a rift between it because that's all they're
going to think about from then on. And he's like, what do I say here? Can I contribute or is she
going to? No, I really want to be clear. Selling your friend, do you story top me? Or I just want
you to listen is never going to go down well. And that is absolutely not the advice that anybody in
this room is giving or how do you say it? What I'm saying is is if there is something that is
a conversation you want to unpack with your mate. Like, if it's something that's happening to you,
and I don't want to like trivialize the kids thing because like, if you're a mum, it could be
something that you actually really need to unpack and want to talk about. Not just like, what's the
fucking feeding schedule of your five month old? You could ask a question or tell them a story.
And if their instant thing is and just be like, oh, I really want to be able to, I really want to
ask you this. Like, I really want your take on this. I know that you've experienced it, but like,
I really want you to like tell me what you think of this. And then prompt it in a way so that they're
not instantly replying with the story, but they're answering it with a question just to try and
break through that. I don't think that telling them that their story topping you is the way that
you should navigate this. But I think that there is a way of navigating the conversation,
especially if it's about something that's important to you so that you both feel like you're
hurting this. The very last thing I'll say on this is I wonder if it's just you that this is
happening to or if you've noticed it happening within other social circles that this same person
is doing the same thing because I think something I was really guilty of, especially in dating,
was that I would continue to share stories and I would share stories about myself because I felt
as though that was carrying the conversation, you know, and I was doing the heavy lifting of
continuing the conversation to keep going. And I eventually realized that apparently people also
don't like that. But I thought I was doing the social thing. I thought I was doing the thing that
helped the situation. So if she's only doing it with you, that makes me kind of question, well,
are you facilitating more conversation? Is the only reason that they're talking about themselves
because they don't really know where else to go with it? And they feel like you've just done
and monologue. So now it's there. Turn to have the talking stick. If they're doing it in more
social situations, it would indicate that, you know, they might not be as aware of the fact that
they're doing it. But problem is is that now you've noticed it and now it pisses you off. It's
going to keep pissing off. Not going to be able to, you're not going to be able to flick the
switch back and be like, oh, I just don't notice this now. So I think that the only way you're
going to be able to feel satisfaction in your friendship is remove it from the group chat.
He's just stopped inviting them anywhere. All right, question three. I've been with my partner
a decade. We were about to get married very soon, which also makes me worry about the advice I give
because I'm not going to be here screwing up. He was relationships. All right, hear me out.
Since early on in the relationship, he's always followed loads of women that post very sexy content
and actually just loads of women in general, often liking posts. This used to really affect me
when I was younger and it made me feel super insecure. He was fully aware of how I felt about this,
though time and time again, I was having to remind him of why this hurts me and I wasn't okay with it.
Even though he'd continue, but then he turned it down over the years. Fast forward to now,
I feel so much more secure in myself and I feel like I've grown so much over the years with
myself confidence. And I also trust him. Honestly, rarely thinking or worrying about what he's
up to on social media. However, just today, I asked him if I could look at something on his
phone or on Instagram. My phone was dead. And instead of him just handing his phone over to me,
he kept the phone and went to the search bar and asked me, what do you want to look up?
About to look it up for himself. As he did this, I noticed he quickly started deleting multiple
searches from his recent search history. I immediately asked why he felt the need to remove his
searches and why it was an issue for me to see. He didn't really give me an answer of what
the searches were, but said he didn't want to get in trouble. I asked why he felt like he'd get in
trouble. And obviously, it was something that would be upsetting for me to see the fact that he
decided to remove them immediately in front of my eyes. He said he was sorry and it was something
he shouldn't have been looking at, but didn't really admit to what. Now, sorry, I wouldn't say I've
ever been a controlling partner. And I know it's so normal for men to look at other women and think
that they're attractive. He has free will and I have no right to be looking into his search history.
However, my issue is, with him seeking women out on social media constantly, even when he knows
it gets under my skin, it's made me feel really icky. Is this normal? I don't feel like I'm asking too
much to expect of a partner that isn't looking at other women on social media constantly. Or am I
overreacting? That's fucking weird. It's a look. I probably is normal that men are doing that and
looking at things. It's not normal for them to hide it from you and keep it from you and not admit
to something point blank. When you've seen it, you have asked a very direct question. You have
said, what were you looking at that you had to delete right now? And he said, I'd rather not say,
like, that's the part that I have a problem with, right? Like, I don't want to say yes, it's
completely normal and okay for men to look at porn and whatever, but they do, right? They do.
If I found Ben looking at porn, do I care? Not really. If it started to impact my life, yes,
if I had told him it was a problem and he was still doing it behind my back and then lying to me,
it's a problem, right? But if he Googles it every now and again, I couldn't care less. That's my
personal, honest feedback. But if I asked him point blank, if he was hiding something in front of my
face and I saw him do it and I said to him, what was that? And he said, not telling you none of your
business. And it would make me crazy. It would make me. We'd be fighting about more than admin.
Wild and less had get out of the car and walk home. Yeah, but unless you were like on the cusp you
may be of, and this is me like clutching a straws of an engagement or a proposal or a birthday or
something that he could actually, it might be fathomable and reasonable that he's hiding something
from you that could be good. But he says we're about to get married very soon. So they're already
engaged. Yeah, but maybe it's a bit. I'm just saying, like, I'm just covering bases, right? Like,
if there's a possibility that it's a surprise or a birthday or whatever, let it, the dogs lie.
But it just doesn't sound like that's what this is. It sounds like he's fucking hiding something
from you. Yeah, I really struggle with this one because like, you don't know what it is that he's
hiding. It could be a break up of a offense. It might not be. It might be something that you feel
really angry about. It might not be like, we don't know what it is. And it's not even about what it
is that he's actually hiding. It's about the fact that he is saying I'm not going to tell you
or he's going to lie to you about it. It's such a pointed statement. Yeah, it's the lack of
open communication and it's the lack of him of him feeling as though he can't speak to you about
it because he would rather he would rather admit that I don't want to tell you because I don't
want to get in trouble. It's so bad that I would rather face your wrath and say that like and just say
computer said, no, I guess for me, I would be asking a few questions of myself because that type of
behavior would make me feel insecure. I know you say that you're super confident you trust him.
You've come into your own that you don't feel as insecure anymore blah, blah, blah.
If my partner was doing that, if he was deleting the search history in his browser,
because it was something that in his mind was so bad that I couldn't see it, that would build
an insecurity in me. Like that would really I would find it really hard to just I guess like just
be totally fine with that. And I'm not saying the people aren't entitled to privacy. Like he is
entitled to privacy. He isn't titled to look at the things he wants to look at online. But I think
it was the way in which this moment unfolded and it was the deliberate freak out around whatever
it was he was looking at. And I think that there needs to be some conversation there around like
I trust you to do whatever you want and to look at the things that you want to look at online.
But if we have a conversation about it because you have actively deleted things in front of me,
there has to be some transparency with me. Like you have to give me some sort of insight because
now you're creating an anxiety in me that that shouldn't be there. You're making me fear this,
you know, whatever this distrust is. And that's a you problem. You're creating that by putting
this seed in me. But I want to know how the conversation went because for me, if I was like,
what was that? And he said, sorry, something I shouldn't have been looking at. I would have said,
what? That's what I mean. How does that conversation just end there? How does your conversation be like,
okay, how did you not torture it out of here? How do you not say what the actual like tell me like,
I'm not this conversation is not ending until you've told me what it is. Because I just feel like
in my situation, if somebody, if he has actually said, I know I shouldn't have been looking at it,
I would be pushing that. I would need to know. I would not sleep again ever after a small one.
And then the question is, where the problem is? No, the question that comes from it is like, you're
you got two options. Don't speak to him until he tells you. With hold sex. No, silent treatment.
You got two options. You go through his shit, which we don't encourage. I don't want to do that,
yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be doing that, but you also don't want to get pushed to a place
where you feel like you have no other option or you sit down and say, hey babe, I haven't stopped
thinking about that. It's really bothering me. Can you just put me at ease and tell me what it was?
I understand it's something that you probably shouldn't have been. I'm not going to get angry
about it, but it's making me more mad that you can't be honest with me than what it even was.
And I think just telling that and obviously trying to weasel it out of him, if he's still adamant
that he will not tell you, if he's still refusing to tell you, that is such a trust boundary
breaker for me. That is a real, I'm like, oh, you feel like you can't even admit to something.
If it's so bad, it makes me be like, what are you in the manosphere? Are you subscribed to
Andrew Tate? Are you watching Hancock porn? Are you having an online relationship with someone
else? Your brain is going to be sent into a spiral if he's absolutely refusing to tell you.
That is worse because that puts you in this purgatory way. It's all you'll ever be thinking about.
I think the thing though, and I'm glad you set up right at like, we don't end doors going through
his phone. Not because you can't look at someone's search history. Like to be fair, a search
history should be like a relatively open slather, I think, in terms of like, if I was using
Matt's computer and I opened up search history, I still wouldn't want Ben looking through mine
just because I'm weird and I look at a lot of weird shit. I don't want him to know how stupid I am.
Totally like five plus seven take nine. How to spill the thing is though is that there's nothing
in my search history that I would be like mortified if Matt saw it in there. Do you know what I mean?
There's nothing that's going to make him hate me or think that I've done the wrong thing.
I guess the reason why I'm saying I don't want you to look and I don't want that to even be
not a last resort, but like in anything resort is the only person you were rubbing by doing that
is yourself. Because if you look whether you find something or you don't find something, it's not
going to scratch the edge that you have. You'll look again, you will look again, it will become a
habit and then you will be that person who forever checks their partner's fucking website browser
behind their back and you don't want to be that person. But he's also not leaving his browser up
anymore. He just loan a lesson. He's deleting that as he goes now because he knows you're on
twin. Whatever it is, you're on to it. So I would just be sitting down or he's going in Cognito.
Like if he had a really close call and you guys had that brief conversation, he knows that it's
a thing now, but also don't necessarily jump to worst case conclusions. And I know that we've kind
of know because it could be something he's embarrassed about. It might not be something that you
actually going to be mad about. It could be something that he's like, I'm embarrassed I was looking
that up, you know, like he might totally we're giving a lot of benefit and he admitted it's something
he shouldn't been looking at. Just find out what the fuck it was and then tell us and we will do
an aftermath. Yeah, do ask. Put some spyware on there. Don't do that. That's a terrible joke.
Alright, next question. A little bit different this one, but I think it's very important and resonates
with a lot of people. Oh, my partner and I have been together. My partner and I have been together
for eight years. We live quite different lives where I work in a bar, which is obviously very
social and I'll often go out afterwards. He has a standard nine to five. We own a house together
and are getting married in May. We went to a wedding on the weekend and I noticed on the dance floor
all of these really happy couples were dancing. They were paying full attention to one other. They
were laughing, letting loose and having fun. My partner doesn't behave like this. He's quite awkward
and seems like he doesn't know how to dance or ever just relax and fully let loose. Others have
noticed it too. How can how can you get your partner to loosen up a little or is this expecting too
much? You can't say other people have noticed it too. That's the equivalent of like everyone's
talking about it. No, you can say that. Someone said that recently in Australia in media. No, you
can say that. You just don't say two here. Oh, how about in a turn, Akisha? No, I think that this
is hard. He's obviously like a bit socially anxious or like doesn't like, I mean, maybe not. Maybe
he's not. Maybe he's too cool to dance. Yeah. But it sounds as though he's a little bit socially
awkward and doesn't enjoy dancing. Loads of people don't enjoy dancing. How can you make him do it?
You probably can't. He's probably going to feel super awkward and doesn't want to do it.
I guess like, how important is it to you that your partner dances with you at a wedding or cuts
loose on the dance floor? Is it really that big a deal? I do think it is. Yes.
When we were trying to like organize the comments, like, which questions we were doing,
but it was like, this is a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker. No, it's funny. It's not,
oh, you know what? I joke saying it's a deal breaker. It's really up there for me. I used to say
my mom and my sister and Sherry and I, it used to be something we used to say growing up,
was like, when you're looking for things that you want in a partner, we used to joke. And it was
specifically about weddings. You want a partner that's going to dance with you at a wedding. And I
think it meant more, there was more in that, right? It's not just about letting loose, but it's about,
like, somebody that you know that is going to get up and have fun with you in life,
somebody that's not going to be too embarrassed to have those moments. There was more in it,
but specifically at a wedding, I would be offered if I was like begging my partner to come dance with
me when everyone else is up there and he's like, no, like he won't even do that because I don't
think that is about letting loose. I think that's about not even wanting to meet your partner halfway
with some things. Now, could he just be an extreme introvert and incredibly uncomfortable? Yes,
of course he could be. But I think even if you're extremely uncomfortable, you don't have to get
up and let loose on the dance floor, but you should be at something like a wedding. I think every
body should be able to get up with their partner and have a dance, whether it's a slow dance,
whether you're in the corner, but like if you're the fucking party, people that kind of
may be bothered to get up and have a moment with your partner, sorry, you're sitting in the corner,
like, because there are those people and I think lighten the fuck up, meet your partner,
meet the partner, because it really frustrates me. We used to say it's the front porch test. I don't
know if you've heard that. It came from a sitcom with Tenon Lilly, so how I met your mother.
And there's this one episode and it became a real cultural moment, but they do the front porch test,
which is basically like when you're looking for a life partner and you're dating and what do you
want in life? You think of being on the front porch, sitting on the front porch when you're older
and you're in your rocking chairs and it's the things that you would still be non-negotiables for
you and you would still be happy with. So are you still being able to talk to each other? Are they
still taking care each other? Are you still being able to laugh and have fun? Are you still being
able to get up and have a dance? It's all those little things about if you don't think they're
going to meet you on the front porch. And this is one of those things. If Ben was like, I'm never
going to dance with you, I'd be like, mate, either get up or get out. Do the way I'm seeing you,
fuck off. I don't feel as passionately as you do. So I think whoever's written this question in,
it comes down to how passionate you feel about it. This is a deal breaker for Brent. I mean,
my deal breaker is like, I don't want to go to cheat on me. Brent's like, if he won't dance in
me at a wedding, but the thing who you've also said, like, he doesn't really cut loose. I get the
impression that he's probably a little bit less socially vibrant than what you are. And we all have
different capacities, right? Like, some people are life of the party extrovert. They get their
energy from getting out there in the dance floor. They are the ones that create the vibe at a wedding
or at a function or whatever it is. You know, they make the dance floor. And then there's other
people who the thought of that not only makes them uncomfortable, but they just like, they don't
get anything out of that. It is an awkward, unenjoyable experience for them where they feel really
exposed. I don't think we need to force the people who feel really exposed into being that version
of themselves. You can try and like, coax it out of him. But if he's like, absolutely,
fucking no way, absolutely no way, I don't think you can make him be a version that he just isn't,
isn't out of his core. And I think what could happen is like, yeah, he might get up and have a dance
with you, but you're going to be able to tell he's not into it. You're going to be able to tell
he's not loving it because that's just not the person he is. You've been together for eight years.
He's obviously a homebody. That's the kind of person he is. He doesn't want to be going out. He
works his nine to five. You're the very social butterfly. I get that. I do think there's a bit of a
medical here. So I think it's a little bit deeper. I think she's just looking for connection. So
she's used the dancing as an example. We're at a wedding. We're dancing. But she's, it's what she's
saying. So she's saying, I see other couples paying full attention to each other. They're laughing,
they're engaging. They're having that moment. I think she's lacking that. I think that that seems
like he's not meeting a halfway with that. Like he's probably sounds pretty boring, to be honest.
He goes to work to his nine to five. He comes home. He chills. It's monotonous. They do the same thing
every day. They're not having the intimacy or the connection or the laughs or the fun or the
excitement. So I think I might be going too deep out. But I think this, the wedding example,
I think is a bit of an analogy for more. I think she's just wanting that connection. I can picture
this in my mind the way she's explained it. I can picture them sitting at a wedding. Everyone's
dancing having fun. She's, she's like, please come dance with me. He's like, no, and she's looking
out there being like, I wish I could have that. Like I think it's just that moment. And I do think
you cannot force your partner to be a social person and go out and drink with you and have fun.
If they're not that person. But by all means, you can force them to get up and have a dance with
you and winning. That is what it's the least he can do. You can. But what I'm saying is is that
if it doesn't come from a place of him really wanting to do it, you're never going to have the
version of what you see. Because if you're sitting there watching two people who both are like,
Foggan, let's go get dancing at maggot. Woo, it's a wedding. Like they're both voluntarily doing
that in their relationship and they're having a great time. But what you said here, my partner
doesn't behave like this. It's quite awkward and seems like he doesn't know how to dance or even
fully let loose. It doesn't matter if you get him off the chair and you get him on the dance floor.
What you're perceiving and what you're seeing in another couple that's up on the dance or you're
not going to get that with your partner, not to that level. I don't think anyway. Like so I don't know
if you're trying to make him be a version of himself that he just isn't. You might be able to get
another 20%. You might be able to get another 30%. You're not going to get 100% where he just does
this full 180 and is like, fuck yeah. I love being on the dance floor. Woo! Let me tell you that
bush. Get it on, baby. Let me open bar or no. Let me tell you a little story. Let me tell you a
little story. When I met Ben, Ben was, you guys know Ben, but most of you that I've even heard Ben,
you can probably tell even just through the way he presents himself. He's quite shy. He's quite
quiet. He's quite reserved and he was never going to go into that dance floor with me and cut
laps. He was not YMCA and he was not doing anything. I used to ask him about it and he said,
because I love to dance, as you guys know, and I don't get embarrassed and I just could have a good
time. He said, well, I've just never really done it because I've always felt like I drew too much
attention to myself because he's so tall. He's like, people already looked at me when I walked
into a room because I abnormally tall. Then when I'm on the dance floor, I feel like they're paying
more attention to me and he's such, he doesn't love attention. He found that really hard and so he
just never did it. Then because it was important to me, we went out quite a few times at the start
and I got him to dance with me and he did it because I was like, can we dance? He was like, yeah,
to make you happy will do it. Man, I can't get that kid off the dance floor now. He is a different
person. The last wedding we went to, he was on there the whole night. He was on there the whole night
for hours and three and a half years ago, that was a different person. I know that that's not,
that's one specific example. I don't know your person, but sometimes also we don't know what we
like. We don't know what we want until someone pushes baby in the corner, forces it out of us.
Do you think in your example, though, that meeting someone new and you guys both exploring who
each other are and like getting to know each other? This has been showing up in whatever version
Ben is. You don't know each other. Your early days dating is very different to trying to get
someone who you've been with for eight years to behave and act like a different person. If he
for eight years has been like, I don't dance and I don't want to dance, that's so much harder.
I think that the task that she has is far greater. I think before we're getting very hung up
with the dancing, I know that that was what the question was. This is so interesting. I really
want to, I think I just want to zoom out a little bit. If he is amazing in every other way,
if he is, you're getting married to this guy, okay? If he's like showing up in the relationship.
I mean, yeah, bring it up about your own wedding that you want to have a first dance, etc. But if
he's showing up in your relationship, if he's like supportive, loving ticks all the other boxes,
I think sometimes we have to accept that there is a box somewhere along the line that our partner
won't tick, whatever that looks like. Yeah, but we also have to, I almost think it's the opposite
Laura. I always think if you're eight years deep and this guy, all he has to do to make you happy
is meet your halfway and dance with you in relationships, you always do things that you might not
want to do to make your partner happy. If it's as little as dancing at a wedding, if you know that's
going to make your partner happy, row a set. That's what I think. I think this is such a, sometimes I
think we fucking beat around the bush here. The guy can dance with you at a wedding. He doesn't have
to be doing the worm in the middle of the circle. He doesn't have to be, I mean, that's what I'd do.
But like, I do think we have to meet our partners halfway sometimes. I wonder if this is actually
the bigger thing that she's experiencing is that eight years ago, maybe he would have been the type
of person who got up and did it. And maybe that's actually what the problem is. The problem is
is that he used to be more spontaneous. He used to be more fun. And now as your eight years deep,
you're like, where is that gone? Do you know what we need to do? We're actually like missing a
previous version. You need to go and do dance classes for your wedding. Do pre-organized dance
classes because then he doesn't have any experience. That's it. No, you drag him to that because like,
that's it's that is not in a social environment where he can feel socially pressured. It's you
and him and a dance teacher. You're learning your first dance. So you know, at least he's going to
get on the dance floor to have a first dance that you're wedding with you. And at least it gets him
to feel a little bit confident moving his body. Yeah. It's I understand it. I understand it. It sucks
when you have a partner that doesn't want to like, that's not on the same social level as you. It does.
And again, I think there's more to it. I don't think it's just about the nut bush at a wedding.
But I think there's more to it. But I think that you can 100% say like, it makes me for
really excluded when you're the only person that won't dance with me. And everyone's talking
about you behind your back. Everyone saying you're a shit ass. Oh no. All right, guys, that is it
from us. If you have any questions for us, gun cut, send them in. We want to know what questions
you have for us. We feel very grateful that we get to be your unqualified therapist. You can
sign into the DMs or you can send them to us at Life Uncut Discussion Group on Facebook.
And also all of our episodes are up on YouTube. So if you want to see us in the flesh,
you can go watch the videos and you know the drill. We were matching pants today,
but you'll have to see what they are on YouTube. So you mom told you dad told you dog
pay friends and share the love because we love love.
Life Uncut



