Dirty Heads Singer Jared Watson Reveals Addiction To Alcohol, Painkillers & Feel Free Kratom

0:00I woke up one day in the bus, in the tour bus, and I couldn't get out of my bunk. I just couldn't move. I was shaking. I was just shot. My whole nervous system was shot. Couldn't get up, could not walk. It was like I immediately need some sort of booze to even get to the hospital. I got a car. I got a car. So you served, right? Yeah. I had to, I was just easy on the body. Like out of most things. I see I had a tough time surfing. Yeah. In like the, like the lat, well, I have a left shoulder, a head surgery on a rotator, a concerted red twice, and then my lower back. So I had her needed discs on my lower back. Yeah, that's pretty good. And it goes out every once in a while. But I probably in the last year and a half, I've had to just kind of chill out with surfing, which sucks because I love going out on the water and just chilling. It's fun. Yeah, one of the guys I surf with, he's like, you know, pro level, could have gotten pro

1:00if he wanted to and he has a lot of back problems. But surfing is like his main hobby and it's a bummer. So other than backs and shoulders, if you can kind of avoid that, surfing's pretty low, low impact, you know? Yeah, unless you, I mean, I ate a surf board. I have a, I have a scar right here that loops. And then if you saw the roof of my mouth, there's a big triangle scar. Cause then surf on surf team in high school, one of my buddies, well, he wasn't my buddy. I snake them and he shot his board at me. I don't think he meant to hit me, but when I turned around, the surf board stuck in the roof of my mouth, I had to pull it out. And then I have a buddy that pops his eye, like other than, you know, that surfing is good. It gives me lower injuries than anything, you know? Yeah. Now I'm stuck playing pickleball. Well, everybody I know is blowing out ACLs and shit from pickleball. Everybody thinks they're like, they're in shape and they pick a ball and they're like blowing their knees out and shit. Below and the lower, the lower half of my body, I'm good. Okay.

2:01My lower back shoulder. I'm all. Yeah, my shoulders. Surfing's good. Surfing makes them feel better. Yeah. When did you start surfing? How old? Five. You know, so my dad's, my dad's a carpenter and his wood shop was connected to a surf shop in a sunset beach, California. And they are known for, they kind of made like some of the first surf trunks. It was, it's called Canvas by Caten. It was a Caten, I was sorry, it was a canvas store that would repair canvas sales. And then some surfers came in in the 50s and they said, hey, can you make a shorts out of the canvas? And then they started making board shorts. And then they're since the 50s. And then so my dad's wood shop was next door. So we just grew up in the shop. My brother runs it now to this day. He's a, you know, 46 and he's still running it. He's probably started working there when he was like 10. You know, so we just grew up in that world. We lived on the beach in a little apartment. We're born in the apartment on the sand from hippie parents, you know, just the beach kind of was our baby sitter or the shop. We were either in my dad's wood shop, the surf shop or surfing.

3:03Yeah. Was it just you and your brother growing up? Yeah. And then John, John, I had known him since third grade our percussion player in our band and we were in surf, surf team surf class together. So all you guys were surfing together, yeah? Yeah. Is that where a lot of, like you met a lot of your friends and a lot of people? That was the culture, you know, skating and surfing. Like, you know, I kind of akin to like football culture and Texas or something. That's kind of how it was, you know, in Southern California, at least for myself. So just grew up skating and surfing. And that's a, that, that culture is very much a dangerous place for addiction, you know, it just kind of goes hand in hand, you know. We smoking weed early. Super. I mean, I was doing an asset by 15, you know, selling weed at like 15 or 16. You know, and my parents were, you know, they were the cool parents at the time, letting us grow weed in the backyard. My mom's a florist, she's good, she's got a green thumb. You know, it's better to do it to have you guys around the house and now I'm like, I don't think it was,

4:05you know, because we kind of had free reign. So it was, it was, it definitely didn't, it didn't help. And I didn't know at the time that it was so genetically set into, you know, my grandpa, my dad, my great grandpa, nobody talked to me about it. Now I'm going to talk to my kids about it, because I wish, you know, because I was so scared, you know, I'm, I, with weed and everything, I would get scared because I would get dependent on it. That was the one thing that like, I knew I would get dependent and it would spook me. And I feel like if I had that mentality with drinking, maybe it wouldn't have, you know, been so bad if I knew like, hey, you're, you're great grandpa, I died from alcoholism, your grandpa died from alcoholism, you know, there's a lot of addicts on both sides of your family. Maybe I would have pumped a break a little bit, but I had no idea. And you, you know, your most humans are, it's not going to happen to me. I'm not going to be the one, right? So that's definitely something to, that I don't know a lot of people think about or just have the conversation with your kids. Like not saying you're an addict, you're going to be an alcoholic or a drug addict,

5:06but hey man, like the Watson's are predisposed for this. So, you know, you might want to just pump the brakes or just, you know, check it or don't do it at all. But like, it's, it's a, there's a big chance, you know? Be weary of it. Yeah. My daughter's seven, how old are your kids? Seven and four. Yeah. When do you think it's a good time to have that conversation that open dialogue with them? Yeah, I don't know. You know, I'm just, I would judge it just based on their kind of, their nature and their intelligence, you know, because my daughter's so smart. I feel like I could have a conversation with her now. I don't need to. You know, probably 12 middle school, I feel like that's right when people have older brothers and older sisters and they might be in high school and this starts dabbling. I'd say I'd probably start talking about 12. And what's, I think is really cool. I think this is, I think this is going to be really helpful. And I want my kids to have freedom and experience, you know, what life has to offer and, you know, they can, they have their own path, but growing up in a house

6:08that isn't in a culture that's dependent on booze, you know, or partying, that was literally my household. And that was the culture I was in. Everything we did was with everything. We fish with beers. We surf with beers. We skate with beers. Good times, beers, bad times, beers. It's like the one thing that works on all occasions, right? Everything's going bad. Let's drink. Everything's going good. Let's drink. Same with weed, same with everything else. And, you know, my house was the house where everybody could come over and, you know, 15, 16, whatever you walk in, have a cocktail, have a glass of wine, whatever it was, you know, at the time it was awesome. I look back and go, fuck. That was not great. You know, not great for somebody like me. So for my kids growing up in a house where it just isn't, it doesn't exist. And they just see me going to the gym or going surfing or doing healthy alternatives. That's what they're going to think is the norm.

7:09And I didn't know that was a norm until I got sober. And then I was like, wow, drinking party culture is crazy. It's so, your entire life revolves around it. And you have no idea. You have no clue. It was like so much freedom opened up once I got sober. That was another, you know, out of the 9,000 things that benefits you from getting sober. It was another thing where I was like, life opened up because you have to find other things to do. That are super fun. One thing I've learned in my own recovery is that you can't do this alone. And you don't have to. I know that firsthand. I went through inpatient treatment at caring treatment centers and it changed the course of my life. That's why I am proud to announce that I've partnered with Karen. For nearly 70 years, they've helped people and families not just break free from addiction, but actually heal and transform their lives. They're in network with all major insurance providers

8:12and same day admission is available. So if you or someone you love is struggling, don't wait. Call Karen at 855-352-0103. That's 855-352-0103. Help starts with taking that first step. See, my parents raised us in complete opposite household, like no drinking, no drugs, nothing. Right. But we never talked about it. Yeah. And it wasn't that open dialogue about it. So I hit fucking college, or at least I started drinking a middle school high school. But like the first opportunity where I was living alone in college, I got alcohol poisoning right away. You know what I'm saying? I hit it hard. And I think that's where the differentiator was. There was no open dialogue with my parents. So my daughter, Seven, she asks me all the time about the podcast and it's a sobriety overcoming addiction podcast. Now, so she asks questions,

9:12I keep it open about drinking right now. I haven't gone into drugs. Yeah. You know, she knows mommy, her mom's a normie. Yeah. And I obviously don't drink. So I keep it on that level, that open dialogue, but eventually like yourself, I'm going to keep that open because I think it's super important. Yeah, and they're not dumb. You know, I just talked to them like adults basically. You know, I really do. I talk to my kids like adults and it works. They're smarter than people think, you know. Yeah. So you met Dustin in high school. Yeah. Was that when you guys start? So you're drinking smoking weed around this time. It's part of your everyday life, what you're doing, the surfing crowd. You meet him now, you weren't a musician or into anything before meeting him. He was correct. Yeah. And was that when you guys kind of collaborated together and started? Immediately. It was immediate. I met him at a party and he had tape, like cassette tapes. And it was these wraps, like hilarious.

10:14What exactly what you think 16 year old dudes are wrapping about, you know, how big their dicks are and fucking machine guns that shoot jizz and just like really juvenile, really funny wraps. And I'm like, these guys, I want to be friends with these guys. So me and him clicked immediately. We became best friends inseparable immediately. And within a year, we had probably written, two or three of the songs that we had played for half our career. I think two or three of the songs, the first songs that we wrote, Annelope, Got No Time, and the song called Dirty Heads, we played for a decade, you know? So it's like we knew we had something, but yeah, I had no musical background. He had all the musical background. My parents played great music. Their vinyl collection is killer. So I was surrounded by good music, but never knew I had any talent in it or anything. So I was just like, I would learn all the Wu Tang versus. And so it was just because I skated a lot, right? So you'd try and pick your video part music.

11:17And like, I feel like skate videos were the first playlist, right? You could watch a skate video and there's a heshing guy and there's like a metal band you never heard of. And then there's the tech guy and he listens to hip hop. And then so it's like, that's where I was getting all my music. It's from these skate videos, like 4011s. And I would just find the songs I'd like and then I would memorize the raps. And then I would just do the raps like at parties, over other beats and people would be super impressed. And I'd be like, these aren't mine, you know? I'm just, but I was decent with the cadence. Like it came super naturally. So then when I met Dustin, and he's like, let's try and write our own. And then we started, you know, writing stupid shit, but we were still like, good, they were funny, but they still worked. And we're like, you're kind of good, you're kind of good. There was a big crew of us that would come and do it every weekend. And then everybody else just started falling off and it was just me and Dustin and leftover. Let's give it a shot. And we also listened to a lot of reggae. We listened to a lot of supply and a lot of BC boys. You know, I think those were the two bands that like, really showed us that you can blend genres and make it work.

12:22And then that's really what we loved. Hip hop and reggae and a lot of like old folk and acoustic stuff. So we just blended it, you know, and we thought it was cool that it was just a guitar, a guitar player singer with a rapper and a percussion player. There was something, you know, unique about it. And we just knew that it was gonna work like 100%. Just it was done. It was over with. Did you start using harder drugs once you were like towards Italian to high school? Or is that something? No, that was later on in the, in my career because the drinking got so bad and my body was so like, I have the type of biology that my hangovers were 10,000 times worse than other people's and I didn't understand why. Like these other people wouldn't get hungover. I would drink one night and be hungover for like five days and like my 20s or whatever, you know, and other people wouldn't. I know people now they're like, I drank last night and I'm not that hungover. So it was just my body was super sensitive to it

13:23and I should have listened but I didn't say. So I would just find ways to not be hungover because I loved partying and it was part of my job and I didn't think I had a problem. You know, I'm in a band, I'm an entertainer, I'm like good at partying, I'm fun. You come party with us, it's gonna be memories. You're gonna have the best time of your life and like I pride myself on that but I'm always hungover. I'm always hurting my, it's tons of anxiety, it's tons of depression and you know, my buddy's got pain, pain pills and he's like, dude, pop a couple of pain pills and you're hungover's gone. So I pop pain pills and I'm like, yes, this is, I found the way, right? This is easy. I drink for a couple of days and then I get, okay, it was too much, then I stop drinking. I'm done drinking for a while and then I just, I'm gonna eat pain pills for a couple of weeks until the booze kind of withdrawals wear off and then what happens when you run into pills? And then you're like, oh shit, but now I feel bad because of pills. So it just became a snake eating his tail. And it was pills until I ran out of pills, then booze

14:25and then when booze, you know, a ran out course because I was so fucked up and blacking out and you know, X amount of days of drinking all day every day. I gotta stop, okay, well I'll get on pills and then I'll ween off the pills and like that, you know, it was just like this, this fucking full cycle of suffering to get off of it or to just feel normal. And I just always was trying to get off of it, but it was just years and years of me trying to get off of it. And you can't, you know, so I was just stuck and then there was always something. There was always a tour, there was always a birthday, there was always a dinner, there was always a... Oh, quite a half. Yeah, okay, next week, next week, and there's no time. I'm not gonna rehab, I'm not gonna, I don't have a problem. And then it got really bad. I woke up one day in the bus and the tour bus and I couldn't get out of my bunk. I just couldn't move, I was shaking, I was like just shot. My whole nervous system was shot, couldn't, could not get up, could not walk.

15:27Was like I immediately need like some sort of booze to even get to the hospital. You know, it probably pounded a couple beers and then got to the hospital and the doctor was just like, dude, you're an alcoholic, like you're, you're fucked, like your whole body's fucked, you know? You're gonna die if you keep doing this, okay. That hit me. Well, I have a show tonight. Like I can't cancel the show. The guy's like, I kind of go to a show and I was like, so me and my tour manager, I knew I had 50 vikinins in the bus and I was like, yeah, yeah, we're fine. Got to the bus, took vikinins that night and the next night we were in Jersey at this fucking casino. I remember that we still, like, I've seen the venue. And I remember the dumpster. I remember the, like, I remember the smell. I remember the mist. I remember the time of night, everything. I took the 50 vikinins and I dumped them in the trash can in the dumpster and I went on the bus

16:28and I told the guys, I'm an alcoholic, this is it. I'm done. I'm terrified. I don't wanna ruin your life. So I don't wanna ruin my life. I didn't know. So I was just like, fuck it. I'm done. I'm just gonna white knuckle it. And we had three weeks left of tour and I just fucking white knuckled it in my bunk for three weeks just crying and shaking and sweating and just calling my mom and dad and my brother and my friends and just like, I'm an alcoholic, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then my mind is just like, I'm losing my mind, right? And I just saw this as part of it, but I was not going back. I didn't think about calling a doctor or any. This is just part of it. And so for three weeks, it was just the lowest of the low. You know, that was my bottom at the point, at that point. And it was good because I was so fucking terrified. You know, and it took me like a good year or two to, it's because then I got home and the anxiety was so bad

17:28that I'd start eating Xanax. Then I got addicted to Xanax. I'm like, okay. So finally my friend Ian McCall, he's an ex UFC fighter. He's like, you gotta go to the gym. And growing up, you know, I was surfing lifting weights, track, like I was super fit, you know, really fit. And like not until my late 20s where I started getting out of shape and puffy fat face and just like 200 pounds, I'm six three and I was like, I'm usually walk around. I'm just, Lanky usually walking around like 165. And he's like, you gotta go to the gym. And I remember you took me to the gym, kicked my ass. And for 30 minutes for the first time in, in I don't know how long, five, 10 years. For the first time I felt like myself. For the 30 minutes after that gym session. And that's where I was like, fuck it. Then that, my addiction just went straight there, working out two, three times a day. Until I, you know, my like brain chemistry started feeling normal and working out literally saved my life. But those three weeks in that,

18:28I don't, I wouldn't wish that on, you know, my biggest enemy or whatever that's saying is anybody on the planet, you know. And it was, it's just, it's so fucked because there was a good eight years where I was so terrified of that that I didn't even think about. You couldn't have paid me to take a pill or drink. And then I got comfortable, you know, and then started, oh, pain pills are fucking awesome. I could take one, I could take, you know, so then there was like two or three times where my fell back in would relapse really quickly for a weekend or whatever. But then it would take me like a week. And um, it was kind of a struggle with booze wasn't a question. It was just pain pills and then there was cratum and cratum came out over. Oh, completely fucked. It's a natural form. There's no fucking addiction. There's no nothing to that like what a snake in the grass, you know, so got on cratum a couple of years ago.

19:29That went bad, you know, got off of that. And that was like almost those withdrawals were like some of the worst I've had. And then had another good couple years of sobriety. And then about two years ago, life decided to just throw everything that it's ever thrown at me like we have been through so much as a band as a human like I'd been through a lot of shit. So I thought like most of it was done. I thought I'd found my bottom and life was like, no, son, like I had kids and that opened up a lot of shit too. So where I had done plant medicine and that didn't affect my addiction at all, that actually really helped with a lot of childhood shit. Because I had kids and a lot of my childhood shit came up as soon as I had kids. And I was like, I gotta I gotta fucking clip this quick because I don't want my demons raising my kids. I don't want my trauma is raising my kids. So plant medicine really helped with that. And I thought plant medicine to help with the addiction, but it didn't. So then life decides to throw really, really tough situations one after another

20:34after another. And I'm trying to balance being a dad. I'm trying to balance writing songs that continue to grow the band and make sure that my guys are paying their mortgage and the crew and like that. I'm putting that pressure on myself as a front man and one of the songwriters like I gotta do my job. There's all this stress and just the situations that me and my family were put in that I never even knew could happen. And I'm super proud of us and we're doing great now. I just had a nervous breakdown, you know, complete nervous. My nervous system was just shot from everything. My life was falling apart and I knew how to take a break. I knew how to take a break. I knew how to make that feeling go away. And I was going to do it for one night. In Vegas, one fucking night. And I'm a strong guy. I've done it for 10 years, you know, ball. I've gone through with Charles a couple times. I kicked the cratum. I kicked the pills. I kicked all that one fucking night. Just one and one night turned into, you know, probably the worst year and a half.

21:40I've had and I we just got out of it three or four months ago. I was in rehab three times within six months, but myself putting myself there, you know, like as soon as I started drinking and it just boom. Immediately like couldn't quit, you know, had one drink and like almost full blown with Charles without, you know, 30 minutes would go by. And I'd be like, dude, I'm having full blown with draws. So I'd have to drink to get through and I had three weeks of tour. So I had to like pace myself through the tour, but then that, and that being bad and blacking out and back to back to what I call, I'll call it, but I knew it. So I called my manager and I was like, you know, the second day of me drinking, hey, I have to drink through these three weeks or I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Call a rehab center and get me in there soon as we're done. At the last day I flew begging the fucking store dishes to nurse me beers on the way to the rehab center, just like, you know, like I said, couldn't go 30 minutes without booze without like just being in the worst state of depression, anxiety and physical pain.

22:41Got to the rehab, you know, did it for like a month, got clean off of booze, got home. Nothing was better at home. The problems were still there. Everything was still there. My liquor store has got fucking feel free and cradums and fuck. All right. Well, let me just get, let me get through these issues with the cradum and the feel free and then I'll kick it. That didn't work. And then I'm like, why do I even think and it's crazy because it's like, there's Jared. There's my body. And then there's my soul, right? And there were, there's three different, and then there's the addiction. And there's like almost four different versions of me and they, how the fuck does the addiction bullying us all and controlling us all? And I'm looking, I'm outside of it going like, I know I'm going to be back to here. Like this moment, me being happy, healthy, fit. I know that I'm going to get back there. I'm not dumb. I'm not going to live the rest of my life this way. But why am I here right now? And why am I letting this control it? Well, I am.

23:42And I just, it was just like a zombie, you know, it's just like, the last of us, like some fucking fungus took over my body or some zombie. I'm just a zombie doing these things like going, why am I doing this? I shouldn't be doing this. Why am I doing this? They shouldn't be doing this wake up in the morning. Feel so bad that the only way I can get through the day, only way I can be a dad, only way I can be a father or a provider or get through these issues that life is thrown at me is to. Now I've fucked myself. So now there's this on top of it. So it made things 10 times worse. So I just, you know, luckily, would tell the kids I had to go on tour and I would fucking go to rehab. And I, like, just, it was like booze and then create them and create them. And I just was falling apart and I didn't know how to fucking handle it. And it took me again to like, wow, I thought I had reached the bottom and the bottom was like, I got a basement, buddy. Like, boop, little hatch opened up and you're going, you're going deeper, you know? And I did. I went deeper and it's heavier with kids. And you know, there's that shame and you don't want to fuck up and, you know, and, and I do agree that.

24:46You have to get sober for yourself. You can't get sober for anybody else, but it does. If you love your kids as much as I love my kids, it fucking helps. It really does. It does, you know, and everybody said, well, don't do it for your kids and don't do it for anybody else. I get that. I know I am doing this for me, but I am doing it for them also, you know? And then yeah, got through it. The rehabs helped, but it was just one of those things where you have to get to that fucking point. You have to get the bottom of your bottom of your bottom of the basement of the basement and make that decision where it's like for me, it's almost a switch where it's just like it is black or white. There's just no choice. It is not I think I had always kept 1%. There was a 1% chance. I think I'm 99 fucking percent that I was an addict. But there was always one of that 1% so that maybe on vacation, I could have a drink, maybe on vacation, I could pop a pill, maybe on vacation, I could do Molly or eat some mushrooms or whatever. Right. So I always kept that 1% for the last 12, 13 years, whatever.

25:48And this is the time where I just finally gave up that 1%. You know, and like there was this really good saying, what was it? It's like, you know, 99% equals zero. When you're watching Netflix and it buffers to 99%, you're still not watching Netflix. That's how it wasn't gun up fucking work. It wasn't going to work. I hit you, you have to hit 100% you're watching Netflix. That was like, you're not going to live happily ever your entire life if you don't do 100%. You know, no cally sober, no mushy's on a hike, no nothing. I'm fucking sober, sober. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I got it. It was one of those times where I didn't think that like I was very, very much the guy that everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson on the side on the other side of suffering. There's a lesson on that other side of every bad thing that's ever happened to you.

26:48But this time I was like, fuck that noise. Fuck all your little analogies. You're going to tell me, fuck all your little sings in your books and fuck this, fuck that. There's no reason why I should be going through this. Why my family should be going through this. Why my friend should be going that this is stupid. And now that I'm on the other side of it, I was wrong. There's 100 million things. I am a better version now. I've learned more than I thought I could learn. You know, it's, it's changed me once again. You know, I thought I was done. I thought I was Jared 2.0 and I thought I had got through all of it. But I'd hung on to that 1% and that 1% is massive. It's massive. It is so much more than the 99%. You know, holding on to 1% of I can be, I can use as an addict. That 1% is of, you know, the size of the Empire State Building in 99% and the 99% is a big. You know, it just really is. I'm about 10.

27:48Sorry. I had about 10 years where I back and forth. I'd get a couple months. I'd get maybe a year, just one night. And I would be going to meetings, right? So I'd have all this accountability in my life. You know, a sponsor, a sober group where I'm like, I'm just going to use one time. I'm not going to tell anyone I'm going to continue my sobriety time. And that one time, that one night where I said I was just going to put it down, it would turn to a year, a year and a half would go by. And I couldn't stop. Dude, feel free. Yeah. That shit is the fucking devil. And it's a dark plant. And like I felt, I felt the energy of that plant. I could, I, there was like a shadow, you know, and then I did, I'd done some plant medicine and the plant medicine kind of showed me the, the kind of the, like entity or soul of that. And it was fucking dark, dude. And I, you feel dark on, you know, as soon as you start using it and it was just such a,

28:49you know, marketed so well, you know, and it just, a lot of people are getting caught with that and it's fucking dangerous and it's a, it's a bummer, you know, but yeah, I was, I was the same way. It was just like for a couple of years, just, just struggling. And I have, I mean, like I said, the culture that I grew up in, most of my friends are sober now because of the culture we grew up in, you know? So it's like, I'd say nine and a 10 of my best friends or closest friends. I had a home, they're sober. I had the means. I, why didn't you call me? I didn't want to call anybody. I needed that fucking break. I didn't know what to do, right? I did, I didn't want to fucking call you. I wanted to drink that night. It was the last person I wanted to, I just needed a fucking break, you know? And it was the worst fucking decision that I'd ever made, you know? And lucky, luckily, you know, the guys rallied behind me and gave me my space and I have an awesome band and awesome family members and friends and everybody who's understanding and fans and, you know, got through it.

29:54And, you know, just trying to stay on the path now, you know? That's, that's really, it's really all it is. It's just kind of staying on the path and just realizing that there is no 1%. You know, it's never, it's never going to happen. But like yourself, I need to air out every percentage. I need to air it all out every reservation. Until I'm stubborn, like I need to prove it. I need to run its course before I'm going to get sober. One of the, one of the biggest fears that I had when I first got sober was the parties over. There's no more fun in life anymore. That's it. That chapter's done. I'm just going to rot in church basements for the rest of my life. Go to meetings, hang out with old people, which was not the case. But in your case, you have this creative side, right? You're in this band. You're the lead man of this band. You're writing the songs. Was there a lot of fear? You had much more fear than just the fun. Does your creative side now go?

30:56Can you continue with your job? What did that look like for you? Yeah, I was terrified, you know, that was, that was the biggest, not the biggest, but it was a big part of like fuck. That was so much a part of who I was and so part, so much, it was a part of the proc, like the process. Am I, you know, and even just having drinks on stage and shit, like, am I going to be able to entertain? And then, yeah, where, where's the creativity coming from? And now, you know, it's anybody out there. It's, it's blocking it, you know, because I wasn't doing, you know, I wasn't doing heroin. I wasn't doing, well, I guess pain pills are pretty much heroin, but the good material never came out of nights where we were super fucked up on, you know, in the studio. And I think a lot of people think that a lot of artists that, you know, use heavy drugs and all, you know, all the heroin addicts in the past that there was maybe, you know, the fact that they were drug addicts is why they wrote such good stuff.

31:57And it was the drugs in Bollolion. And it wasn't, they were using the drugs to self-medicate. It was all the trauma that they had and all the fucking suffering and the hard up rings that they had is why they were using those hard drugs. That's why they were good songwriters because they had all that shit to write about. It wasn't the drugs, you know, so it just, if anything, it dulls it, you know, so once I got sober, we wrote, I mean, our numbers were better than they have ever been. I'm writing songs that are more popular than they've ever been. So it's like, that was wrong. I was 100% wrong. I'm in jail. I'm present at the shows. You know, I look back and everything was muted, you know, everything was like black and white, even the shows. And then like half the shows, I don't even remember, you know, and now I remember all of them, you know, it's like, I'm there. I'm at the fucking show. Yeah, it just feels like, you know, feels like a color TV kind of, you know, it's like a lot of like my career was, was in black and white at some points,

33:01you know, especially when I was using pretty hard. And life in general was just black and white. And it just feels like I max now, you know, and like somebody that has gone down, you know, the big boy, plant medicine road, life sober is 10,000 times more psychedelic. And fucking using it like sober being sober and going through life is crazy psychedelic. It's nuts. It's a journey. When you zoom out, you're like, holy shit. That like it's just, it is so much more psychedelic than when you're just constantly numbing yourself and constantly self-medicating, you know, but that's coming from an addict, you know. Yeah. So you remove drugs, alcohol out of your life, right? The symptoms and I'm a true believer, the pro for me, the problems in here, to my head, whether it's deep rooted trauma, things that happened earlier, mental health issues, what did you learn about yourself in sobriety as to why you were turning to drugs?

34:05Yeah. I learned a lot about the coping mechanisms that I had come up with as a kid. That shaped me into the person that I was. And they weren't good, you know, they weren't good things like, you know, like, like, you know, it's the habits that you have that you don't like that you need to fix or whatever. It's like a lot of those that you came up with when you were a kid and you came up with them because, oh, I came up with them because I was scared. I was fucking terrified, you know, and I needed acceptance and I needed to feel safe and I didn't. So I came up with ways to get people to like me, you know, but then I look at that and go, well, that's probably why I'm in a band. So I can't hate that, you know, I look back with fondness at every bottom that I've had because it makes me who I am today. And I love who I am today because I can relate to a lot of fucking people.

35:08And you have so much more empathy and sympathy and it was so hard for me to be grateful. And now I'm grateful for everything, you know, but I'm the type of person where like I got to get my fucking ass kicked to get here and I'd rather be here and feel this way and be able to live life like this and see it all, you know, then then not even know that there is this level. And my older brother, he's he were super really too yin and yang, which is, you know, if anybody falls a astrology, we're both Pisces, but like two completely different person. My brother's in the middle here. He's a cast iron skillet. Nothing really bothers him. Nothing to get some two stoked. Nothing gets them too bummed. And he's just solid. Just and I'm fucking things get me super excited and things get me really sad. Right. And he was like, man, I wish I wish I was like you, you know, I wish I got more excited about things. I wish I felt things more. And I'm like, fuck that. I wish I was more like you, you know, and that was something that, um,

36:11that getting sober and going through addiction made me learn about myself is just how sensitive I have been since I was a kid. And how much I had pushed that part of who I naturally was my in my nature, my human nature of how I just fought that because it was. Like you're just a little like you're a little pussy in that sensitive shit and that's bad. It's not bad. It's fucking awesome. You can still go be a tough guy. You can still go train MMA. You can still go learn whatever and be a tough guy and be ultra masculine and be the shit out of people and be a weapon. You can do all that and be super fucking sensitive and light people and have good conversations and good communication skills and be a good father and a good friend and be sensitive to other people's, you know, it's, um, but it just made me realize like how sensitive I was and why, um, you know, I lied a lot growing up and not like. Like not like I'm gonna steal your shit and lie about it, but like, um, everybody does it, right? You're you talk to the fucking grocery clerk and you don't want to talk to him and they're talking to you and how have you had this before and you, yeah, you've never had it, but those little white lives, right?

37:15It was that, but more I want you to like me. And then if that's not the case, I want you to know that I like you, you know, just acceptance all around because in the bigger tribe, I have a people that like me, the more safer I am, I say, so I want you to know that I like you and I want to know that you like me. So let's talk about something, you know, oh, yeah, I've always seen that movie. I love that movie. I've never seen that movie. That book, oh, I love it. You know, just people pleasing to get acceptance, right? I didn't even know I was doing it. And what, you know, that's, you know, getting sober and going down the plant, medicine path, like showed me that the mirror and I'm like, damn, I don't like that about myself. I'm not honoring myself. And I'm not honoring anybody else by doing that. No, I haven't read that book. Tell me about it. Then we can really become friends and get to know each other. Then then there's actually something real there. You know, it was a lot of that. It was a lot of just kind of like bullshitting and white lies and just like trying to cope and feel safe and feel accepted. And I didn't, I didn't, I don't think I'd ever, I don't think I could come up with with that through talk therapy or or anything or just figuring it out by self-help books or anything. I had to suffer and go through all the shit to figure out all my fucking gunk and and get rid of it. You know, and that's the thing is just is getting rid of it or knowing that you have it knowing how to deal with it. You know, yeah. Yeah.

38:34I'm very sensitive emotional. I'm the up and down, up and down. One of the things I had to learn was taking the pause when a certain situation happens, sitting with myself was one of the hardest things to do. How did you learn to sit with yourself? Yeah, I hated myself for a long time. I didn't know that. That was sad. You know, that was a thing that that having kids made me realize, like I see my five year old daughter at the time she was five. And then being like, wait a second, when I was five, I was getting talked to like this X Y and Z. I was getting treated like this. Holy fuck, if I saw anybody talking to my daughter the way that people talked to me or or treated me or, you know, physically handled me at that time, I would fucking murder them. Like are you kidding me? There's no way. I'm just like, holy shit, no wonder I was fucking terrified. You know, sorry, what was the question? Oh, sitting with myself. So yeah, I changed myself to a piece everybody around me and to become the person I thought people would like rather than just being myself being this sensitive fucking artsy weird fucking kid. And I'm weird. I've realized I'm not normal. You know, I'm not normal at all. I was like, it's everybody else. No, like, no, it's fucking me. I'm weird.

39:52And I hated myself for, I mean, up until I don't know, five years ago and not completely hated myself, but hated a lot about, you know, and that's that's a little dramatic, but it is true to some extent. And yeah, just literally staring at myself in the mirror, you know, staring at myself in the fucking mirror, you know, going through with draws or just being in it and staring at myself in the mirror. And looking at every part of me that I thought I didn't like, whatever scars and, and perfections, looking just looking at me and then just staring at it until I until I'm like, this is there's no changing it. I'm not you're not going to change it. Why do you hate that about yourself. So I just fucking stared at myself. I would just stare at myself and stare at myself. So there's nothing wrong with you. And the more I stared at myself, the more I was like, man, I fucking love you. You're the fucking shit. And the more I stared at myself, the more I would like, just stuff would flood in about me. And I'm like, oh, yeah, no, I was actually really fun to be around. And I was a really happy go lucky kid. And I was like, people got stoked when I was there. And I do remember like, I know how to make people have a good time. And I wait, hold on, I'm fucking rad. Like I'm the shit. They weren't all coping mechanisms.

41:10Everything's not trauma. Everything's not fucking your past and yada yada. And it's just so saturated with that today. And we all have it. Yes. But it doesn't have to be. You have it deal with it. Fucking move on. You know, like it has made you who you are. There's it's all perspective. How are you? Are you going to be a victim? Are you not? You know, and just staring at myself and all this shit coming to the holy fuck. You're fucking rad. Love yourself. That's the way. Be happy. Be grateful. Zoom the fuck out. You know, we don't know. What the fuck is going on? We are fucking flying through space on a rock. And you know, they're there. The others aliens. There's maybe there's not aliens. There was dinosaurs. Some people don't think there's dinosaurs. Some think of six thousand years and four billion years. The fucking universe is 14 billion years. It's expanding. But it's like, what are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know how the fucking cell phone works. That's magic. That's magic. That's a magic fucking box that we got face time. Fucking sci-fi eight-year-old Jared's like, dude, hello. One day we're gonna have fucking video calls.

42:14There's like, what? We're living. There's AI that can make music. There's AI that can make fucking art. Like we're living in the craziest, rat-est and most insane time. Zoom the fuck out. You know, and you're gonna either be a victim or not. And I was just done with that. You know, this is my body. This is this is the cards that I was dealt with. Guess what I can do. If I don't like the way my body looks, I can change that. I can get fucking ripped. It's just some hard work. It's not even that hard. Consistency. Whatever. Oh shit. I like the way my body looks. This is cool. I can customize it. I can put tattoos on. I can put fucking silver pirate teeth in. I can fucking do whatever I'm an avatar. I'm a video game fucking character. I can do whatever I want. Like this is dope. And then it just kind of like frees you up when you just accept to the fuck you are, you know, and like, I can't change my face. I'm not gonna get plastic surgery. But okay, this is the face I got. I like it now. You know, nothing I can do about it. Cool. Moving on. You know, what else? What other wild shit can I go experience? You know, that was one thing that I asked the universe for in the universe is giving me everything that I've asked for in an insane way.

43:27Like so blatant sometimes. You know up to financial goals where it's landed on the exact number. That's wild. Okay. You know, to other shit, which is so to when I was younger, I said, I want to experience everything life has to offer everything life has to offer. And that's the genie saying, hey, dude, you don't realize what you just asked. Like you didn't you don't realize the wish. You didn't think the wish through. So my wish was I want to experience everything life has to offer. And my mind, I'm only thinking the good things, right? I want to experience only the good things, right? The genie was like, okay, you realize it comes with all the good things and all the fucking bad things. So like halfway through like, you know, my second stint and rehab or whatever. I was just like, fuck, I didn't mean this stuff. You know, I didn't want all. Maybe not all of it. Maybe just some of it. But no, I'm glad I'm glad I'm a fucking massacres. I guess I'm glad that I've gone through everything that I've gone through. And it sucks so bad. It's the fucking worst.

44:41But I'm glad I went through it. Dude, I'm grateful for my bottoms. Yeah. Because it makes you grateful in times when things are going really well because you talked about when you were younger, we drank when shit was bad. We drank when shit was good. I used to drink and it's funny when I was on like a little sobriety stint. I would relapse when things were going really well. That was the same. That was a huge trick. This is the first relapse where things went bad. Before those regalapses I was talking about always when things were good. I'm the shit. You know, I'm killing it right now. Right. I can take a couple pain pills. I was just overreacting. I don't really have a problem. Get too comfortable. Yeah. And I would. That's the 1% for me. Yeah. The 1% 1% that I was hanging on to. He talked about acceptance. Dude, the guilt and shame that I used to wear on myself and early in sobriety, where I couldn't look at myself. I was uncomfortable with myself. I hated myself looking in the mirror. Yeah. Everything was around acceptance and whether I was willing to accept the things that I did while in active addiction.

45:48A lot of people wear that and it keeps them in this state of relapse for a very long time and they can't get sober and they can't get sober. But it was through giving back, helping other people. Just showing up. Right. Not repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Did you have that experience as well? Was there. Was there like a daily thing that you did every morning was at meditation prayer that helped you cope with some of the guilt and shame from the past. No, not necessarily. I think that really comes down to my partner and like her just being really fucking amazing and her really. You know, just always. Always kind of being there for me and vice versa, but us like saying, hey, we're going to move forward and actually feeling like we've moved forward, you know, her not bringing up, you know, the past and me not bringing up the past and you can feel that when people don't do that and you know, second chances and third chances are just knowing like it is not about chances like we both are just like, yeah, we're going to be here to the end.

47:03You know, and having somebody like that, I think is makes it a lot easier for me to. It made it a lot easier for me to deal with the guilt and shame because she really is the one person that I'm going to be hurting the most. And I think communicating with the people that you're worried about like the band guys, they were all vocal about like, hey bro, we just want to eat it better. Hearing that from them, I believe it. Okay, cool, we're done. I'm not going to dwell on that because it's not good. Like you said, if I dwell on it, then so I'm done. The guy said they're cool. They got my back. I'm moving forward. Kate said it's cool. She's got my back. I'm moving forward. You know, so I think the people around me. They were the ones that that really helped me deal with the guilt and the shame, you know, because that shit all fucking you up. Your community is strong. They hold you down. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's that's for sure. For sure. And then just knowing that yeah, it's it's not going to help by holding onto it and beating yourself up.

48:10It's crazy because you're all the feelings you're talking about. I've experienced all the same. And that fucked up feelings. And it's like, I always was like, well, if I make an extra 100k a year, I could do. I saw oxies were my thing. They'll be always the same shit. Yeah. I could afford my habit. I can do this. It's just a financial thing. Yeah. Right. And then I'd be like, well, if I just got the hot chick, or if I got the new car, the new job or this or that it was always the name. And like in my head, I feel like a lot of people growing up. I want to be a fucking rock star. You are a rock star. And to hear the same feelings from a rock star, blows my fucking mind because addiction doesn't discriminate. No. And you talked about it in all the, you know, your grandfather, your great grandfather. It's hereditary. Yeah. I mean, I had the job where it was accepted to abuse substances. Like it was not only accepted.

49:10It was like an encourage praised. Yeah. People are like, fuck yeah. I want to party with you. Wait, nobody cared that I started drinking them morning. Nobody cared that I would drink at radio shows. Nobody cared that I would drink during interviews. Nobody cared. Everybody was like, fuck yeah. They would join, you know, because they they have, you know, normal lives and normal jobs. And they can't do that. So when everyone's a rock star comes around and they get to have a beer or whatever, they're like, cool. But I'm just living in it. And it's just double-edged sword, you know. And I love it. I love that I got to live that life. You know, I love it. I got to live fucking. I've got a party harder than, you know, some people will park a party in their entire lives. Multiple fucking people will party in their entire lives. I've been experiencing some ratchet. And I look back at that with fondness too. You don't have to hate not all of it was bad. I would some of the funnest shit that I've ever done was because we were partying. We wouldn't have gotten those situations if we were sober. That was great. Okay. Cool. I got to live that. I can't live that anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't get to go do awesome shit. I just went on a boat trip with my friends for the first time. My first, my first proper surf trip also overdued, went to the

50:17min't wise, went to any Indonesia surf. Perfect fucking, macking, you know, overhead barrels all day. Like we scored. And it was just one of the most memorable trips of my life times of my entire life. It wasn't one beer, one pill, one nothing, you know, and it was magic and it just, you know, you don't need it, you know, and there was nights where it's just psychedelic, like just watching the fucking giant bats come down and swimming to fucking islands in the middle of the night. And like, there's like I remember walking on the beach on one of these islands. We swam to because it's just this deserted island. Actually, it wasn't. There was a little family living on it. They were making like coconut oil. And we got to go into there a little shack and we couldn't speak like endo and they didn't speak English and it was just cruising and the kids like, Oh, come with me. So we follow this little kid. We got on the beach and we're just sitting on the beach and he tells us to look down. I look down in the just thousands of these tiny little hermit crabs like fucking pin size hermit crabs thousands of them and they all have like fluorescent shells on them, right? And it was the trippiest thing I have ever seen in my life.

51:27You know, it's like, this is an insane little experience I'm having right now. I don't need a beer for this to be happening. I don't need mushrooms for this to be happening. Usually that shit would happen when I was on mushrooms and you'd be like, what? Trippie shit always happens when you're on mushrooms that would have been trippy if you weren't, you know, that went in sick on mushrooms. Yeah, I was around, but I was like, I don't need it, but fuck this shit always happens. I'm like, this is some shit that would have happened on mushrooms, right? But yeah, it was beautiful and then I get to enjoy it and go back and no guilt, no shame, no nothing, you know, and life is just it's fucking awesome. And you know, you take it for granted a lot, you know, and yeah, it's just I don't want to be one of those people that I don't want to suffer anymore. I can tell you that, but I definitely don't want to be one of the people that like hasn't gone through anything. So just everything kind of isn't good enough. You know, there's people I know, I'm just like, man, you haven't suffered enough if you got time to worry about that. Like if there if there is a, you know, the food pyramid or whatever, if there was a food pyramid of shit to worry about, it is getting really small.

52:38Shit that I'm worried like I don't sweat the small shit. The more I've suffered and the more I've been through, like the less shit I worry about. Yeah, you know, that food pyramid is getting there's blocks getting taken out things to worry about. It's getting a lot smaller, you know, and those worries got to be pretty big for me to fucking spend energy on worrying about it. You know, dude, I will over complicate anything and everything. I need to remove myself from situations daily. Fucking hourly all the time, especially with my being a parent is one of the hardest things. I don't care. I've done some odd jobs. Like one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do as parent and it's because I overthink it. I'm like, I care. Yeah, and you don't want to fuck it up. I don't want to fuck my kid up. I'm like, there's one little thing. And then this is going to fuck my kid up. Not wanting to fuck my kid up. She can get it. She's drugs now. Like because I was looking at my phone and she noticed that it wasn't giving her attention. Like just crazy shit like that. And I need to remove myself from that situation.

53:38100% constantly. Yeah. Yeah. It is tough though. You know, I love it. It's and that's another one of those things, whereas like this was supposed to happen. Unfortunately, I hope it doesn't fuck them up. They probably know what was going on. You know, but I think we hit it pretty well. Still doesn't mean I'm definitely going to tell them that it happened even if they asked now. But I think, you know, this is one of the reasons why it happens so that I could be a better father and a better fucking protector and provider. And I just know that I, you know, and I've experienced it. So if they do, unfortunately, get to a certain point, they can lean on me and I can go, hey man, this is what we got to do. You know, hopefully they won't get there. And hopefully they'll be smart enough with, you know, me talking to them and letting them know, you know, hey, there's some red flags and maybe you should pump the brakes. But yeah, it's just one of those things where I look back and I go, okay, cool. That's probably there's probably 50 more reasons that I will see moving forward where I go,

54:42okay, this is one of those reasons why I had to go through that. This is one of those reasons why I had to go through that, you know, and they happen all the time. And I go, fuck yeah, cool. I don't want to do it again, but cool. Glad it's over and I'm glad I know and I'm glad I can help and I'm glad I am in a better place and I can be a better person. And me and my wife's relationship is going to be better and stronger and me and my kids' relationship is going to be better and stronger and the band and just, you know, everything's going to be better and stronger. It just depends on how you get through it. It's all perspective at the end of the day, 100%. Well, I appreciate you being so open about it. You're sobriety because a lot of people look up to you. Yeah. And a lot of people are watching you. Yeah, it's like this is literally the only, I'm just doing this to help, you know, and that's another thing like maybe I'm, and my manager was making jokes. He's, I was sitting and rehabbing him like, fuck, you know, crying and just sobbing and just depressed and he's like, hey, bro, you're right in the album right now. You're probably going to get some good material out of this. And it was like,

55:43you're not wrong. You know, maybe there's a song that I write that saves somebody's life. They're about to fucking eat a handful of pills and slit their wrists and a fucking bath up. And they hear the song and they go, not today. Because of one line that I wrote, okay, I'll gladly take all the suffering that I just went through for that. It could be on, and it could be in a hundred years, it could mean 300 years, whatever. If it does that, all right, cool. It was worth it. Yeah, fine. Just one person, 100%. If you had one piece of advice, the person who's listening right now, yeah, and is that that jumping off point? Yeah. What would that piece of advice be? You're more important than you think. You're more important than you think. And you feel lonely and lost and hopeless. But you just have to get through it. You know, write it,

56:48write it. Do everything you can. Be the strongest person you've ever can. Fuck everybody else. Write it because there is the other side. There's the other side. I don't fucking care. There is the other side. You just have to fucking write it. And then if you have to find somebody, if you think nobody cares about you, I care about you. Reach out, Instagram me. I'll be the one person. I don't care. Fuck. Well said. Jared, I want to thank you for coming on. I appreciate the vulnerability. Thanks just to help that one person out there. Yeah. Yep. And keep doing what you do. I'm really you too, man. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Hey, this is Kevin Laning and you're listening to Rise Above. In this podcast, I talk with people who face life's toughest challenges, addiction, trauma, anxiety, depression, and everything in between. Each guest shares their journey through dark times and the practical steps they took to rebuild

57:50their lives. Rise Above isn't just about the struggles. It's about the solutions. You'll hear stories of resilience and recovery that will inspire you to overcome your own challenges and take control of your life. Tune in to Rise Above on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts and start your journey towards healing and growth.