Earwash Value Pack 5 - Episodes 21 - 25

It's Wednesday again, which is, quite fittingly, midnight where I live, and on this midnight

I have left out a feast of recycled earwashes, well passed their expiry date.

In this week's value pack you shall hear, episode 21, what colour is the internet?

First released on the first of October 2023, an episode of oddness from my notebook.

It does sound a bit rushed at times, I hadn't yet found the optimum gap between oddities

for optimum stereophonic brain-scape immersion. Another thing of note is that

the last few months of 2023 and the first few months of 2024 were a difficult time for me

due to some personal circumstances, which are alluded to in this episode and the next.

It doesn't seem to have made much difference to the podcast, though.

It makes about as much sense as it ever does, even in a time of personal crisis.

Make of that what you will.

Episode 22, Australian rules soccer, first released on the 8th of October 2023.

This is an episode with the American who cannot get her head around the concept of not being an

American, Jennifer. I do find myself kind of agreeing with some of what she says about Australian

football, but not so much on her views about the band KISS. You can also date this episode very

precisely due to the references to the retirement of Victorian Premier Dan Andrews.

Episode 23, a song about a mouse plague, first released on the 15th of October 2023.

An episode recorded with Bruce on one of my frequent regional jaunts.

We seem to get a lot of content out of the town of Horsham and the surrounding area,

first episode 14, which you'll find in Value Pack 3, and now this.

Episode 24, a person in a purple apron, first released on the 23rd of October 2023.

Jennifer's back again, discussing another event that dates this podcast very precisely.

The result of the voice referendum. And episode 25, the world's most sarcastic guerrilla,

first released on the 29th of October 2023. Another notebook episode to round off this

Value Pack. I say it in the episode, and I'll say it again. There's one phrase in this episode

that sounds like a comment on current events. It wasn't then, and it's not now. It's just a fun

mallop-propRISM that I wrote down sometime in mid 2023. I'm recording this a few weeks in advance,

but can predict with almost absolute certainty that it will sound topical by the time you're hearing

this. It's just been the way that news has been for the last few years. Anyway, that's what's in

the bargain bin that is this week's Value Pack. All that remains is for you to listen to it.

Ear Wash. The Palette Cleansing Podcast. Welcome to Ear Wash. The podcast washes you between the

ears. Now, this episode hasn't turned out, as I'd hoped, and not just because I recorded the entire

introduction, then realised the microphone wasn't on. You see, as Jeff Goldloom said in

Jurassic Park, I nearly called it Dinosaurville, which shows you how my brain is going. As Jeff

Goldloom said in Jurassic Park, life finds a way, and in this case, it found a way to disrupt my

best-laid plans. So, instead of hearing the embarrassment of riches that I had in store,

an embarrassment is the right word. I had two episodes half done. One where Bruce, I met up in

Horsham to discuss how the region around Horsham has inspired his music, and one I recorded yesterday

where Jennifer and I discuss Australian rules football, or at least attempt to, she has some

other things she wants to get off her chest. But no matter. Instead of that, we shall refresh

your lug holes with some more words from my notebooks. It's not what I intended, but it's what you're

getting. From the notebook of Douglas Brook, volume 133, 12 April 2023 to the 18th of May 2023,

the benighted States of America, a triangle of fuck, a downstairs adult explosion,

a demonic mnemonic, opportunistic ostrich theft, racist gin, a frog in a bra, a clown stripper.

I can live with dying. Fizzy Seedman, Cormac the onion child, a smart casual business picnic.

What colour is the internet? Shakespearean Seinfeld, the semiotics of bananas,

the smell of British skin, a vampire's penis, the abominable shaman, a notorious spoon thief,

a sweaty sandwich, a well landscaped lady garden, pubic continuity. There's a lot of filth in

these. Pickled fish seaman, utilitarian sex, a wonky oscelot, grannies crannies,

special lesbian glue, a frog with an enormous vulva, a two person cult, an extroverted

maniacal fingering pirate, a car with a weak pelvic floor, Australian beef fluid,

Canadian cheese, a doctor wearing snake skin pants, with a tyranny of dirt, Canadian nudity,

three quarters of an ariola, a treasure chest full of underwear, a skunk pissing out a window,

a prustian quiche, sheep being sexually harassed, a Welsh rap battle, flying French taxis,

stunt bananas, a penis with feet, aerodynamic sex, erotic minigolf, the most niche type of pornography

ever depicted in a Disney movie. You know, I think the notebook episodes are in some ways the

most pristine wash I can provide your ears because all those words and phrases are untethered

to any sort of context or meaning or part of a broader whole. You can just enjoy them individually,

let them bounce around on their own within your owl wall canal. I have to be very careful how I say

that word, owl wall. Still causing me trouble all these months later after starting to have to say

it on a regular basis. Anyway, you let the words bounce around your owl canal and dislodging

anything that needs dislodging and you know, I find that very refreshing. So hopefully your

feeling is refreshed as I think you should be and can go forth into the world. Bye!

eWosh was created, performed and produced by Douglas Brook.

Make sure to recommend this podcast to everybody you know and like it on Facebook at

Airwash Podcast. Do it or I shall set a velociraptor on your all possible Jeff Goblin.

Jeff Goblin, riding a velociraptor. You have been warned. This has been a message from the

All right.

Airwash, the Palette Cleansing Podcast.

Hello, welcome to Airwash, the podcast that washes between your ears. Mine certainly

near to clone this week. I made the mistake of looking into the buds on my headphones and

the things that were inside there that come out of my ears.

Little. Hopefully this podcast will save you a similar revolting fate.

Airwash episode this week was recorded last week but wasn't ready in time due to a variety of

reasons none of which I'm going to tell you. You'll just have to speculate. It's me attempting to

ask my American neighbour Jennifer about her thoughts on Australian rules football given that the

grand final was last weekend. Jennifer had some other things on her mind but we eventually got her

onto football. So here you go. Good afternoon Jennifer. Good afternoon Douglas and good afternoon

to all your listeners on this on this wonderful week. Well I was going to ask you at football

but you're sounding pretty chirpy. I'm taking the footballs. Had a positive effect on you.

Oh no no Douglas. Dictator Dan, he's resigned. Oh yes Daniel Andrews resigned this week as well.

Yeah Dictator Dan's gone ding dong the Dan is dead. Well not dead but he's gone at least.

No more lockdowns. His secret plan to reinstate lockdown. I saw online about that.

It's not going to happen now because it's resigned. I don't have to live through another

Melbourne lockdown. Were you even here for the lockdowns? I thought you moved here this year.

Oh Douglas don't stop trying to bring me down. Every one should be celebrating. I mean even the weather

is celebrating. Yeah it's been quite more this week. Yeah well that's also because of Dictator Dan

going. How's that work? Oh his friends in the Chinese Communist Party they control the weather

you know. Where did you read that? There's this wonderful man on YouTube who tells me all about

this stuff. I don't believe the lame stream media. I'm happy to come on your podcast because you're

definitely on the mainstream media. Yeah no one actually listens. Oh Douglas don't be so hard on

yourself. One day you too could be like Joe Rogan. I've had more reassuring thoughts on that

true. I reckon you've got to be like Alex Jones. He's a man who speaks the truth.

Anyway the weather is so much better because Dictator Dan's Chinese friends had control

in the weather anymore because he's gone. You know what I've heard? A shuttle to think.

I heard he's going to be taken to the Hague to the International Criminal Court to be tried for

crimes against humanity. Where did you hear that? Oh Douglas you need to get on truth social.

That's where the truth happens. It's the start of a big clean out you know. Next will be that

fascist Fauci in America next. But I didn't think America was signed up to the International

Criminal Court. No of course not Douglas. It's a globalist plot just from America for sovereignty.

So how can we be happy if Daniel Andrews is going to be taken before it? Oh Douglas stop trying to

bring me down. This is a joyful week. We should all be happy. Now you said you wanted me to talk

about Stradian soccer. A Stradian rules football yes. Yeah Stradian soccer that's what I said.

Why are you calling it Stradian soccer? Well we call the European football soccer. So I'm sure

the Europeans call your football soccer as well. It makes sense. I mean we all call our own sports

football. So it only makes sense that everyone calls the other sports soccer. But we don't call

American football American soccer. Oh no of course not Douglas. It's the real football.

Right. I think I understand your logic. Oh I'm so glad.

So what did you think of the the game? Well it's very different to football. They actually use

their feet in Stradian football. Well yeah you'd think the clue would be in the 9 wouldn't you?

I know but in soccer they don't hit it with their socks. True true. And it's also not woke.

This is not the takeout I was expecting from it but go on. Well the men are real men. There's no

padding. There's just men being men wrestling leaping riding on each other for the for the ball.

Excuse me a second Douglas time. It's got a rather hot in here. Yeah I've got some water.

Oh thank you.

Yes there's nothing like those pampered, pressy athletes in America with their padding and their

and their lawsuits about concussion. And also there's that minstrel show in the middle of the game.

You mean the halftime performance? Yeah yeah I never come across this group before but

you know they've got their faces painted and they're playing guitars. I mean I've not seen

anything like that since the old minstrel shows. Oh I miss them. Another thing the woke

culture's taken away from us. That's that's kiss. Oh is that the name of the group? Oh look

some up. No they're a famous rock band. I'm surprised you haven't heard of them. They've been

around for like 40-50 years now. Oh rock and roll's the devil's music done. Well so I've never

listened to it before but if they're doing it in a minstrel style like that I think I can

embroider that. Even if the music's not quite to my taste it's taking a stand against

walkeness and that is something that we should all support. I've never heard Kiss described

as an anti-work band before but sure it makes you happy but how did you find the game itself?

Oh it's very exciting Douglas. I used to do football where they take breaks every

every five minutes for little committee meetings. I don't understand the rules it's my husband

sort of thing. I just stay in the kitchen and make snacks for him. But what I saw was very exciting.

I think I'm gonna support Collingwood from now on. Well because I won. Oh no Douglas

because they are in black and white like that minstrel show at halftime.

You know Jennifer throughout my life a lot of the objectionable people I've met were often

Collingwood supporters. Well that's okay Douglas now you know me and I'm a Collingwood supporter

and I'm not objectionable at all. Right Douglas? All right well um well um thanks very much

for that Jennifer and I'm sure we'll hear from you again. Oh actually you mentioned your husband

just before I should check how is he going. Last I heard he was I think somewhere in Russia.

Oh he's got out of Russia now. Last I heard he was in Korea. North or South?

I don't know. The phone I was very bad. He said it got given a job in nuclear refining I

think it was. I couldn't quite make it out. It was a very bad connection. He was a sales manager

for for Home Depot but I'm sure he'll take to it. He knows how to handle his tools. I'm sure he's

okay. But it sounds like he could be in North Korea. Oh he said he was in one of them. I'm just

I just didn't quite make it out. I'm sure he's fine. He's he's a very cultured man you know.

Oh yeah. He loves international cuisine like Chipotle. Oh right well I'm sure whichever Korea

is in he's going to be fine and um and the kids they don't look up from their phones at all.

They'll hardly know where they are. It'll be fine Douglas. I'm sure they'll get here eventually.

All right well thank you very much Jennifer and um can the pies. I beg your pardon.

And that concludes today's episode. It's always nice to hear an international take on Australian

rules football or as I should call it now I think Australian soccer. It's not the take I was

expecting from Jennifer but then again knowing what I know of her and I'm sure you'll listen

to knowing what you know of her we perhaps shouldn't have been surprised that that's the direction

she went in with it. Anyway Jennifer will be back eventually. Bye.

E wash was created performed and produced by Douglas Brook.

Make sure to recommend this podcast to everyone you know I'm out it on Facebook at E wash

podcast. Gear it or I shall change it to a rock and allow magpals to pick out your liver.

This has been a message from the air rig.

E wash the palette cleansing podcast.

Welcome to E wash the five minute podcast that rinses out your ears leaving them fresh and

clean and ready to face the world from the side of your head which isn't exactly facing but

anyway let's not over scrutinise the metaphor. The substance of today's podcast is a chat I had

in Horsham a few weeks ago with Bruce Plank Australia's biggest country's music star

well biggest by mass not record sales so here's me and Bruce chatting about what it's like being in

Horsham. I'm here with Bruce Plank in the Salubrius confines of room nine at the May Park

Executive Apartments. Apparently this is Horsham's finest accommodation. That's an interesting

definition of fine given I've been woken up at 630 every morning by the cafe directly underneath

this room. Yeah this is pretty luxurious Douglas. I'm staying down at the caravan park.

Oh what's that like? Oh there's a drunk guy next door who's singing to himself in the early hours

of the morning. Well that sounds difficult. Well it's fair enough he gets woken up by my singing

in the early hours of the morning while I'm drunk. Okay yeah just as I've finished singing kind of

sleepy wakes up and he starts singing so that wakes me up I start singing again just as he's awake

just as he's going to sleep after he's singing and so he wakes up and starts singing again.

What do the neighbors think? Oh they join in. I'm thinking it's starting to quiet down there.

Well could be a new album. Yeah fucking oath Horsham and the whimmer of districts given me a lot

of material over the years so I wouldn't mind getting another album out of it. It's a very productive

area for me creatively. Oh yeah? Well it was my my bacterial hit a few years ago about the mouse

plague. Bacterial hit? Going materials like going viral except it's easier to stop. My old record

company squashed it after there was complaints from the whimmer ashire about the depiction of their

area in the song and the RSPCA didn't like it either and someone from Peter threw some red

paint over me. What was in this song? Well it went something like there's a mouse plague

and they're running on the road. There's a mouse plague. Run them over like cane toads.

I think I can see why Peter and the RSPCA had a problem with that. Yeah yeah look I was younger

seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't think I'd ride that these days. What else have you

written about the whimmer of districts? Well there was my album wandering the whimmerer.

An album full of songs about various towns in the region. So there was one about Horsham.

It was called the Hors of Horsham. Oh yeah. What did you think of the Hors of Horsham?

They seemed nice enough. Then there was conniving and conniving which was about the lengths you

have to go to to get a drink once the pub was closed. A pimp and I owe pimp. That was my first

foray into rap and that year's before little mouse X did although I must say he's done it much better

than I ever did. I might sing your pimp and I open one of those days when you got looking for a

bit of filler on the podcast. Oh that'd be very nice. Well where that in mind for the future?

What else was there on that album? Well it was longing and long and long about my unrecorded love

for a trucky I met in my McDonald's. Then the dim ball of dim baller. That's about a very

unintelligent ball. How was the ball dim? It stayed in dim baller. That seemed pretty dim to me.

That seems a bit harsh about dim baller. No no when he was dim for staying because he ended up being

my dinner one of the nights when I was there. He had a chance to run away. Gate was wide open. He could

have just run for the hills but now he stayed around and I got steak. Peter had some issues with

that one too I must say. They thought the verse about the butchering process was a bit graphic.

Okay. What else? All's well at Dad's Wells Bridge. Oh that's not what I thought you would have

written about Dad's Wells Bridge. I mean the main thing they've got going for them there is the

giant koala so I would have thought you'd so I would have thought you'd write something about the

giant koala. There's not many things that rhyme with koala. I can see why you didn't go for the koala

then. Anything else? Stalled in stall at the pride of Rainbow which was about spending pride day in

the town of Rainbow. How was that? The town's not as colourful as the name would suggest. And the

last song on the album I want to bring along to Gringia longer. And did you ever bring the person

along to Gringia longer? No. Waiting there for a week for him to show up and he never did. Couldn't

spell it so couldn't put it in his satnav. Never saw that boyfriend again. That's quite a sad story

actually. Yeah that's what the song's about. It's about the end of that relationship. That's a sad

memory when the album on. That's what the place is like. Douglas it's out on the land. It's all about

the big things. Life, love, death and mice. Mice everywhere. Maybe I'll revive that song in time

for the next mouse plague. What about the RSPCI and Peter? Oh fucking. All publicity is good

publicity Douglas. Well hopefully we've got you a bit more publicity for your new album The

Wimmerie ad which we talked about on a previous podcast. Actually that's another album inspired by

the Wimmerie. Yeah as I was saying it's a very productive area for me creatively speaking.

So thanks very much for catching up with me Bruce. No no worries. Good on you mate.

Well that concludes the washing of your ears for this week. What else is there to say?

Well there is one thing left to say and that's that we were pronouncing the name of one of the

towns wrong throughout that whole conversation. It's actually grinning gagalonga and I

apologise to the inhabitants of grinning gagalonga for mispronouncing the name of their town. Aside from

that, that's all folks. Eyewash was created, performed and produced by Douglas Brook.

Make sure to recommend this podcast to everyone you know and like it on Facebook at

Eyewash podcast. Do it or I shall run you over as if you were a defenseless mouse on my

road to the Wimmerie. This has been a message from the road.

Eyewash the palette cleansing podcast.

Welcome to Eyewash the podcast that you pour into your ears on a weekly basis, swirl around

and then rinse out again into a waiting basin. This week my American neighbour Jennifer

insisted on coming on to talk about the recent referendum and well it's hard to describe it has

to be experienced so let's experience it. Oh Douglas Douglas I'm so glad you're able to make

time for me. Well you did sort of just come bursting through my door on Sunday morning and

and insist we start recording immediately. Well I've got something very important to say Douglas

and you're the only immediate outlet I can trust. That's all that's a worry. What's what's

happened? I've been a victim of voter suppression. Voter suppression? I tried to exercise my democratic

right as American citizen and vote in the referendum and they wouldn't let me. And you don't know why?

No I told my American citizen I'm a registered Republican and that should be enough I should be

able to vote. But you're you're an American citizen. Yeah so I should be able to vote. It's an

American's right to be able to vote but you're not in America. So I'm an American citizen and under

my constitutional rights I should be allowed to vote. Yeah but that's the American constitution.

The American constitution is the only constitution Douglas. We've gone through this before Jennifer

Australia does have a constitution and that's what you were voting to amend. Oh yes I know you've

got a constitution here Douglas is very cute but Douglas the constitution was given to us by God

and it is law and it should be followed and my God given right to vote should not be

infringed by some person in a purple in a purple apron who says because I'm not an Australian

citizen I'm not allowed to vote. I'm American gosh darn it I am entitled to vote. Look maybe

you should look into changing to updating your details so you're eligible to vote in upcoming

elections. I'm gonna update my voter registration so that I'm registered as a Republican in Melbourne.

That's probably a conversation we need to have in more detail after this. I'm taking a wild guess.

The result you were hoping for one anyway. Oh yes I'm surprised I'm surprised that no one.

I was expecting it to be rigged I mean those dominion voting machines they're they're the tools

of the woke agenda. But we don't use dominion voting machines here. You don't? No not at all.

Then how come those woke liberals won the last election? Well no the liberals lost the last election.

I've worked out that part of your politics Douglas just because they're called liberal doesn't

mean they are liberal it's just like the democrats and democratic. At least you've got the hang of

some things about Australia. So those woke labor people won the election. Obviously had to be

rigged that's the only way they could have won. So I assume there were dominion voting machines

being used. I was outside that polling station protesting for hours. I brought my sign from back

home back from the 2020 election when I was outside protesting in Georgia about dominion voting machines.

Now we use a paper based system. Douglas of course they used the dominion voting machines. That's

the only explanation for yes getting such a high result. You think 40% high for yes? I don't know

a single person who voted yes. I can't believe that that many people voted yes. There's obviously

been some kind of fraud. Really you don't know any single person who voted yes? Oh no Douglas

well I don't know that many people here yet but every single one of the people I talk to online

they all voted no. And you don't think you know people perhaps a certain podcast host do you know

may have voted yes? Oh Douglas you're a nice right thinking young man I'm sure you voted no.

It's interesting how well you think you know me Jennifer. Oh I know Douglas I know you're a nice

young man. Still Douglas no being victorious is a silver lining for me. My god given right is an

American to vote that may have been infringed but my side still won and I will bear that in mind

as I sue Australia and take it all the way to the Supreme Court. Even if it takes me years I am going

to make sure I can still cast my vote against the voice. It's a stupid thing to put in law anyway.

I'm sure indigenous people have voices. I've never actually spoken to any of them but I'm sure

they have a voice. Well is there anything else you want to talk about at the moment Jennifer?

Oh no Douglas I've got it all off my chest now thank you very much for listening.

Yeah many anytime Jennifer any time.

Well Jennifer's slightly adjusting to Australian life I think we can agree. I'm slightly

dreading her next visit. I can say that she doesn't listen I don't think she's certainly given

no indication of listening so far. But you dear listener well I know you listen to me because you're

listening to me right now and I hope you'll be listening again next week. Until then hopefully

your ears will remain cleansed refreshed and clear. Bye!

Ewosh was created, performed and produced by Douglas Brook.

Oh

Make sure to recommend this podcast to everybody you know I've landed on Facebook at

their wash podcast do it or I will sue you all the way up to the Supreme Court

and you cannot afford the little fools. This has been a message from the earring.

Ewosh the palette cleansing podcast

Welcome to Ewosh the podcast that washes out your ears. On the subject of ears I've

been wondering this week whether it's possible to get fat in your ears. You see my ear buds

lately have not been fitting as well as they used to and so I'm wondering if I'm somehow

putting on weight but specifically inside my oral openings. If that's the case I don't

know what sort of exercises you can do to tone your ears and if I am getting fat in my ears

what's the cause is it from too much washing or perhaps not enough. In the interests of scientific

discovery let us wash out our ears with this week's episode and see whether it makes our ears feel

looser, tighter, fatter, thinner or just entirely the same. Let me know how you get on.

From the notebook of Douglas Brook volume 134 18th of May 2023 to 30th of June 2023

washing an octopus a tampon steeped in cocaine

the half-life of a teaspoon a lesbian measuring a watermelon

the power of a gaffer taper

sapphic greeting cards alfonzo the mango a haggis milkshake

irony the millennial substitute for wit the British society of drunk poets

woke grandparent energy a hardcore pornographic opera a celibate sex robot a lobster with crabs

a gently worded invitation to become dead a dolce and gabana tampon three nuns singing a rude hymn

passionately unfolding one's genitals a variety of creative obscenities maximum nipple

girth-induced mirth five parrots swearing in uniform five parrots swearing in unison

a means test a really mean one a muzzle tov cocktail think of the mink immortality via soup

a highly lubricated marxist orgy pre orgy small talk little gorilla nipples

a bad bath disease the world's most sarcastic gorilla years of waddlesome sloth

a rare hamster disease slutty monks a tiny faced Viking the paramilitary wing of the tilly tuppies

a lubricated snake a penile sundial a bowl of japanese sex pastor

harry potter and the adults who should have read another book by now

unthinkably cool hats the archbitch of canterbury

Simon Pegg getting pegged the very angry caterpillar Wikipedia the fount of all errors

a mastery of bacon nudging a judge judging a nudge judging the nudging of a judge

judging a judge's nudge the apathy of dry cleaners a giant skiing marmot

drunkenly wrestling a circus bear a squirrel drunk on fermented pears a teeny tiny table

and so we reached the end of another week's episode there are quite a few recurring themes in that

nipples orgies gorillas i should also make clear that the phrase muzzle tov cocktail came from a

melliprapism i heard some months ago and has nothing to do with current events in the news

anyway how my ears fearing after that my ears feel very much the same as they did before they were

washed by this week's episode so perhaps that's not the reason my ear buds are a longer fit

i shall ponder this further but there is no obligation for you to do this you can go about your

business now until next week goodbye

you

wash was created performed and produced by Douglas Brook

make sure to recommend this podcast to everybody you know and let it on facebook at

airwashpodcast do it or i will set the power military reign of the teletoppies on you

you don't want to know what tinky winky will do with that handbag this has been a message from the airwag