Embrace your inner coach, with psychologist and author, Tom Mitchell, PhD.

This podcast is not intended as a substitute for professional help.

If you or someone you know is facing difficulties, advise you consult a psychologist.

Hi everyone and welcome to Psych for Life with Dr Amanda Ferguson.

I'm your host Dr Amanda Ferguson.

Today's episode is Embrace Your Inner Coach with Psychologist and Author Tom Mitchell, PhD.

Tom Mitchell, PhD, is a performance coach.

He uses many of the mental training practices that are found in athletes.

He skillfully integrates sports psychology principles into business.

After decades of guiding world-class performers, Olympic athletes and business leaders, Tom

Mitchell discovered a simple truth.

Everything you need to succeed is already inside you.

Welcome Tom Mitchell to the podcast series.

Thank you Amanda.

It's delightful to have you here from sunny California.

And you've got some wonderful resources for people that we'll discuss in a few minutes as well.

But you talk about clarity being one of the number one things that elite performers need.

What do you mean by clarity?

Yeah, clarity of purpose of direction.

And I know it's not always easy to have clarity.

I've had times in my life where I wasn't clear.

And most people I've worked with, with the exception of my wife.

She was one of those.

And second grade knew that she wanted to be a teacher.

She just knew it.

And she was a, she retired during COVID after 40 years of teaching.

So she, some people just sort of are born with it.

Sometimes I've interviewed or worked with professional athletes that knew at a very, very,

like I'm talking second, third grade that they wanted to be a professional baseball or football or basketball player.

And they became that, right?

But I'm talking about, you know, kind of dusting off.

I call it the mental cobwebs that we all can have at times of not really knowing the direction that we want to go.

Because I've found, and again, I don't, I don't want to sound elitist that we all have to have clarity all the time.

But the high performers that I've coached that I've worked with are mentored have a clarity of direction of knowing what they want to do,

what they want to work on, what weaknesses they want to overcome.

And it just is so much easier than when you're struggling to find out like what my direction should be.

So the question often is, okay, that's great to hear.

I don't have it.

How do I get it?

Yeah.

Like, like if you have it, I'm working with somebody they know what they want.

Let's just say it's in real estate and they have a goal or a focus of how many sales they want to make this year,

how much money they want to make or how many people they want to impact, whatever it is.

It's really easy to coach those folks because now we can get into some drills and visualizations,

some self-talk, some things that enhance that process.

But the people that aren't sure that is more difficult at times, right?

And so is this the direction in your question, Amanda?

Is this sort of where you want me to go with the clarity?

Am I going a little too deep into it?

Oh, look, that's exactly it.

And I love your use of the word cobwebs because I find when I'm coaching people,

it's talking through the cobwebs really that finds the clarity,

that as the cobwebs come off, as we're speaking, they tend to shed and then we can drill into the clarity.

So I think people even talking to their friends to find their clarity,

certainly to coaches, if they can talk through and shed those cobwebs

as part of that process of just talking around what might be the clarity,

I think we find people naturally hone into their clarity.

Do you find that?

Yeah, that happens, but also there's a kind of a counterintuitive process of,

tell me what you don't want.

Ah-ha.

And let's talk about not to get into a negative head space or negative energy,

but tell me what you just don't want, because you don't like it,

because you've been there, done that, you've already achieved it.

And so the contrast of what you don't want, sometimes I find helps

to get clear on what you do want.

So I won't go too long, I'll elaborate too long on that process, that exercise,

but we'll have them, I'll be talking to them either.

They're writing it down or I'm writing it down.

What is it you don't want?

Then the other, the magic wand, if you could wave your magic wand,

and you could right now today, in this moment, be either having clarity of something,

or at least you feel like a direction, you're moving in the right direction.

What does that feel like?

Not only what does it look like, which is sometimes easier for people to describe,

but how does it feel to have that kind of clarity?

And then you get kind of into the whole body emotion thing.

So that's just some of the ways that I'll play around with, I don't have a technique,

a formula that works every time.

I just kind of feel it out, ask questions, which leads to another thing around clarity,

the power of question asking, I was told, I don't know, but Socrates was a great question

asker, right? So the Socratic Educational or Socratic process of asking questions

to help people, rather than getting advice from the coach or the boss or the parent,

having the questions dig in and have the person in front of you find that answer within themselves.

Yeah, so that's a big part of the process of helping people get clear is

asking good questions, asking questions that, you know, open up their mind,

bring curiosity to the forefront.

Absolutely, and I think often we can ask ourselves these questions as well.

But what about confidence? How do you help people find confidence?

And you say that's already inside people, but, you know, so often he people say,

but no, I don't have confidence.

Yeah, I actually love this topic. One of my favorite topics is working with talking about

and helping people develop what I call the confidence from within.

So again, and maybe not contrast, but a different type, the confidence from without.

Let's say that you and I complete this podcast, and we have a personal call afterwards,

and you say to me, hopefully you do, you know, hey, good job, that was really good.

You were insightful. I'm hoping people listen to this, right?

And I'm getting external validation from you, right?

Or somebody that I work with or somebody a good friend of mine gives me a compliment or

gives me some a burst of confidence from their observation of me.

That's a great kind. Athletes get it all the time in a huddle.

The coach in the locker room says, hey, great job.

That's what I'm looking for. And it validates you.

There's another type of confidence that I like to talk about that nobody can give you or

nobody actually can take from you. It's a deeper level of confidence, kind of a cellular confidence

that comes from within. And how do you tap that? How do you get there?

Well, I do have a bit of a formula and I've done this for so many athletes that seems to work.

List the skills that are required in your job, in your performance, whatever.

It could be all the technical skills and also the intangible skills, the soft skills,

communication, trust, leadership, as well as in basketball, shooting, passing, dribbling,

whatever. You make a list. Takes a little time. And you can do it. I now have AI doing the list

sometimes. I say, give me a list of all the skills required in a real estate agent might need,

right? And it lists them all out. And then with the person, you ask them to give themselves a

grade of a plus plus, like the plus sign, a double plus on the things that they feel they do

really, really well. They could be like their superpower. They don't have to be perfect,

but they do it really well. And then put a plus, just a single plus next to those skills,

soft skills or technical skills that they do well, not great, but they're a good solid B.

Leave blank all the other ones that you don't give yourself a plus plus or a plus. And you'll

look at that list. And right there, without anybody else's approval, you have identified where

you have extreme confidence. It's a fact. It's not magical. It's not theoretical. It's coming

right from your own experience of yourself. And then where you see the plus, you're feeling

good about it. You know, there's room for growth, but you're still feeling good. And where there's

blank, they're the areas where you probably are lacking confidence. If you're really honest with

yourself, and the areas where you need to really apply and work, that exercise, believe it or not,

it's, it's just nuts and bolts. It's basic. It just gets people right to the truth about

themselves. And even if there's one or two or three plus pluses, they can own that, they can

embrace that confidence from within themselves. And so that's the exercise that I like to do

for helping people find that confidence that they're not looking for for external validation.

Fantastic. And then you talk about desires. So people who perform clearly have to have the

desire to perform or to achieve. Yeah, this is like the no substitute one. The question on

desire is a non-negotiable. We can work with building confidence. We can help with clarity.

People aren't clear and they can become clear. They can lack confidence and then suddenly become

confident. For me, in my experience, it's much harder to awaken that fire within, that burn within,

that if it's, it's there. It's lying dormant or it's, it's, it's a, it's a light

wattage, right? Or small wattage. It's, it's not bright. It's dim. But that one is the hardest

I find of awakening in a person and having them what, waking it in themselves. When the burn is

there, the, the passion is there, the desire for improvement, for greatness, for accomplishment,

for whatever, there's so much momentum and inertia and force and everything, right? So, but

the thing that we can't do necessarily is through words, just, you can temporarily in the

locker room, fire an athlete up and have them, you know, what to get motivated. But to have it

sustained, there has to be this, I call it turning up the heat. How do you turn up the heat within

yourself? So, because I don't want to just say, well, it's really difficult. We're not going to

be able to work on it. I want to give athletes or performers a way to work. And I'm just predominantly

don't work with athletes anymore. I work with business women and men and don't come across this as

much as I used to when I was working with performers or with athletes. But I'd have people

get six, three by five cards and write down what it is that they want and the, what they desire.

And write it in bold letters, all the same on all six, three by five cards and put those six

cards in private places like a wallet or a glove box or a drawer where you keep your clothes or

medicine cabinet. Some place where you'll subconsciously or subliminally see it like every day.

And have those words that desire kind of resonate with you. So, the reason it works so well,

as a coach and it worked for me personally, I was a junior college head basketball coach. It was

great school, but it was a junior college. It wasn't big time by any stretch of the imagination,

but I had a burning desire to become the sports psychologist for the NBA Golden State Warriors.

So, this is a leap from junior college to the pros. I skipped division three, division two,

division one, and I went right to the pros. That was my desire anyway, but I would still. So,

I did this exercise. I had heard about it. I placed them all over the place and every day,

many, many times. I sometimes I would see it and read it and think it out loud other times.

It was just sort of unconscious, right? But within a year, I became the team sports

psychologist of the Golden State Warriors. And I kept that position for 14 years. And that exercise,

did that exercise get me over the hump? I don't know. I tell people, I don't even want to think about

it. Had I not done that, right? So, I try to practice what I preach and walk the talk. So,

then I felt very comfortable starting to give this practice to other people. And I've had many,

many students. I've had clients say, wow, this has been really effective for me achieving my goals.

And uping my internal heat and making the desire a little stronger.

And look, I've read that in the research that if you have your goals visualized and you write

them down and you read them and look at them every day, then you're much more likely to achieve

them. So, that really resonates for me with the research that I know. And as you said earlier about

design, not being something you can really create, we know from the research that you, if pushing

a child through performance to be an elite, it doesn't work because either they've got the

desire or they don't. And what do you mean about communication being an important part of achieving

and high performance? Yeah, multiple levels of that. So, now we're getting war into, and it happens

in sports and performance. When I say performance that I've worked with musicians and people on stage

and ice skaters and all types of athletes, but now predominantly I work in business with small

medium and very large companies. And communication is always, if you do an assessment, you ask

interview people like, what's an area that needs to improve in your team culture or within your

company as a whole or even in a small workforce, improve communication. And so, okay, and I say,

oh, that's great. Can you tell me more about it? So, there's kind of multiple levels for a high

level performance. There's a book, let me remember, it is called Five Disfunctions of a Team. And I

remember that one of the dysfunctions of a team was not conflict. It was the avoidance of conflict.

And so, finding that to achieve high performance, to be at the top level, to have real

true teamwork, the ability to have courageous conversations, a form of communication,

to respectfully be able to disagree, to state your point, to not stuff things because you don't

want to have conflict, but be able to bring them forth in a really professional way. That's a skill

that believe it or not, even though some of the best leaders that I coach aren't great at,

they need to work on that because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings. They don't want

to look like they're being too bossy. They don't want to feel rejected by other people. And it

happens at all levels. So, that's a form, like one form of communication, essential or courageous

conversations that we encourage with my company for leaders and just everyday people to have.

I know myself, there are things that I have a tough time talking to, even people close to me about

because I know that I assume that the consequence is not going to be pleasant. It's going to be a

little tense, maybe. There might be some anger associated with or misunderstanding, but that's a

skill that I think that I noticed that the best teams and the best performers that I work with

have honed that skill. That makes sense because a lack of resolving conflict means we don't

fix problems. And if we don't resolve problems, we can't move forward. And so, if you're going to

be an elite performer, you have to be able to do that to move forward. What about appreciation?

So, the spirit of appreciation, profound appreciation, is something that almost everybody that we

work with, that I work with, that we talk about this, they go, yeah, they nod their head. It's

important, right? To acknowledge success, not only externally that I appreciate you or I appreciate

our team, but I appreciate myself, my own accomplishments, not in an egotistical way, but in a really

kind of matter of fact, factual way that I can honestly, what I've done or what you've done,

there's also the appreciation of so many levels of it, opportunities, the things of the past that

have come your way, the things that are presently in your life that you can be appreciative for,

and also even the dreams or the visions, the aspirations that you have, there was this exercise,

it was called a rampart of appreciation from one of the original creators of the law of attraction,

a jury and Esther Hicks, I believe, and they did this exercise where you just started looking around

thinking about things, opportunities, people, everything and anything that you could just be grateful

for, that you could be thankful for, that they were in your life, it's not necessarily no matter

what religion you are, what your belief system is, just to have that spirit of appreciation,

and they were saying, or somebody was saying that, and I agree with this, that when you get into

that mindset of profound appreciation, it's hard to be depressed, not that you can't be clinically

depressed if you have a biological problem, but just kind of a conditional depression, when you

get into gratitude, there's something that shifts in your mind and you just get a little happier,

a little bit more joyful, so we teach that not only to individuals, but also to teams, we like

companies to start practicing that occasionally, you can't do too much of it because then it becomes

like Kumbaya, but acknowledging each other or just having that that overall vibe,

coming from you, coming out of yourself to your team or the people around you makes a huge

difference. And I think in this time of massive change in crisis and ongoing crises on the planet,

it's a really good reminder to also be grateful and appreciate things around us and in ourselves,

and as an Australian, we find that alcohol she's very self-deprecating, so I think self-appreciating

is a good message for those. It's funny you say that it surprises me, it's still to this day,

and I've been teaching this for quite a long time, when my hair was white, and how many people

struggle with this. Not just appreciating themselves, like self-deprecation, but to have

appreciation for surroundings or for things that have come your way, or just the every day

mundane, ordinary stuff that's at our disposal. You would lose your mind if you walked around and

just appreciating everything, the throb of life that we're alive that we're breathing, but I mean,

when you really get into biology and just the miracle of our bodies, and if there's so much that

you can actually be appreciative, so how do you kind of ground that and integrate that so you can

live your normal life, but convey that through your actions with other people? That's the practice,

and that's the trick that we look for, and I'm always working on it. There's times that

I feel like I slip, and I'm not as appreciative as I need to be. I'm not perfect by any stretch in

this, but I'd give myself, if I was doing my scouting report, or the thing I talked to you about,

the confidence comes within, I'd give myself close to a plus plus on that one, because I've worked

on it. I know how it just, it's a kind of an antidote for depression. It's sort of a happy pill,

right? It gives us energy and joy. Yeah, yeah, absolutely agree. And then if we're looking at

problems that people might be addressing, you know, it's I guess all the antithesis of what we've

just been talking about, which is the lack of confidence, lack of clarity that you've discussed, but

purpose. I mean, I guess, you know, when people are looking at their desire and then they're

looking at, well, then how do I turn my desire into a purpose? And that's, I guess, the goal,

isn't it? Seeking the goal that they're looking to achieve in their performance?

Yeah. Most of my life, professional life and personal life, maybe not as much personal,

I've stayed away from this topic of purpose because it starts revealing and you know,

everybody, some people have their fundamental beliefs about religion and what they, you know,

they get up on a stage and we'll talk about it. Other people like me are more private with what

would I deeply believe in, right? In spiritually. And so I've kept away from talking about it because

I don't want to seem preachy or I don't, you know, I'm very open-minded to people's past and what

they want to choose to believe in and practice. I have, luckily, friends from pretty much every

religion, not every religion, but every main religion, right? Or even philosophies or

psychologists. And so when I really explore a purpose, it touches what I fundamentally believe in

at a deep, deep level of my soul, of my inner being, right? And so, so how do you get there? How do

how do you feel on purpose purposeful? What gives you that sense of I'm not only doing the right

thing in the world and accomplishing my dreams, but something that transcends that it goes a little

bit deeper than just that, right? And so techniques or practices, of course, meditation,

getting still, you know, listening to the to the inner coach, the name of my book, right? The,

you know, embrace your inner coach and you could call in a lot of other names, you know,

call it your higher self or your higher power or the God within or whatever it is that you want.

But to be able to actually have an intimate relationship with that dimension of yourself,

not just by reading about it or talking about it, but by feeling it and experiencing it, you

know, inside your chest, inside your mind, that to me is how I was able to feel on purpose,

in purpose of my life. So I kind of stay away from putting those words out there with those

that purpose is, but I do talk to people like a process of how to get to your own, you know,

that's kind of my answer to that one. Do you think purpose is very much aligned to meaning?

I mean, I find that as a cycle of people need to find a meaning in their life. Do you think that's

that sort of related? I do. It's sort of like when you're with a company and they're doing a vision

and a mission statement and they get always confused which words it kind of blend together.

I'm sure they're different, but it's kind of the same thing. Purpose and meaning are very

related to me. Yeah, and look, I see another point that you really focus on for people is anxiety

and anxiety is, I think one of the main problems on the planet at the moment, isn't it? And it really

hinders those of us looking to perform and achieve, you know, to be distracted by so much to be

anxious about. I don't know if you've heard this. I don't know where I heard it, but I agree with

it that anxiety is too much of your focusing on the future. Yeah. And depression is triggered a lot

by hanging on or clinging to the past or what it would have isn't. So the past, you don't want to

be depressed, you know, or be overly anxious. They are different frequencies, right? If I'm anxious,

I'm not necessarily depressed, I'm under press, I'm not necessarily anxious, but neither of them

are a state that I like to be in or live in. You know, probably in my past, when I was younger,

I mean, in my teens, I struggled with some depression I know. And by finding purpose and meaning,

I was able to lift out of that, by the way, going back to our talk a few seconds ago.

But even today, I still occasionally struggle with some anxiety and like what I have medicine

for that and the medicine is breathing. Yeah. It's it's being present. It's like really truly okay.

If I'm feeling anxious, I am tripping out on something that hasn't happened yet. I'm afraid it's

going to happen. I need to make happen, but it's not happening now. It's it's in my mind. It is.

So when I can take a walk, I can sit quietly for, you know, the time doesn't matter because

sometimes I can drop in in seconds. Sometimes it will take me, I don't ever drop quite into it.

I'm still remain anxious, but but take some deep breaths, center yourself, really get in your body.

And to be here now, here I am right now. It's I call it this 92nd reset. Whatever's going on,

where am I? I'm right here. Where when right now? I'm here now. And athletes know this because

there's there's pressure coming from the stands, from their coaches, from the clock,

from their contractors. And they have to perform now. And that anxiety could just take you

way out of the game, out of the flow and being able to and they may not be able to articulate it

like I am, as breathing or meditation or whatever, but they do it. They practice it, right? And so

to me, you know, is it the answer? No, it's an answer. It's a it's a solution of being present,

being in the moment, getting still and focused and sort of trusting, letting the future

evolve without getting to, you know, over your skis. Yeah, it's such an important skill for all of us,

not just high performers. What do you mean about scarcity, mentality?

It's the difference between looking at not having enough, whatever. It could be money,

but it could be enough confidence, enough opportunity, I don't have enough resources,

or versus the focus on what I have. Yeah. And do I need more? Probably. Do I want more? Yes.

But not at the here, a teacher of mine in college said when I was probably in a scarcity mindset,

he said, Thomas, your search for the horizon is blinding you to the treasures at your feet.

Oh, I love it. And I thought, I was 18 or 19 years old, my search for the horizons, like

wanting more, not having enough. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't something wasn't an

enoughness is blinding you to the treasures at your feet, meaning what you actually have. And

you know, everybody kind of knows that what I just said at some level, that that's the truth.

But practicing it, training yourself to pivot when you see yourself going down the

red hole of scarcity and saying, you know, what do I have now? What's enough? I'm enough. I have

enough. I'm going to get more. I want more. It's not like a either or thing. It's an end.

And I still have a ways to go, but I, but here I am now. And I'm feeling, I'm feeling good

about where I am. Yeah. Fits with the gratitude appreciation, doesn't it?

Yeah. Though Tom, you've got these wonderful solutions as well for all of these problems

that you've mentioned. And they're in your book, no doubt. Everything you need to succeed is

already inside of you. And your book is the inner coach, I think. Please tell us more about the

book and where people can find it. Yeah, it's, I was going to call it the inner coach, but I

changed it the last minute. And I called it embrace your inner coach, it's right here.

It's a little, I've written a bunch of books, but this is one that I'm really proud of because I,

I kind of say, I come out of the closet a little bit of of my belief system, right? I wrote

an Amazon bestseller with NFL legend, Joe Montana. And called the winning spirit. We wrote it 20

years ago when it was a lot of this stuff is shared in there, but I wasn't quite as vulnerable

in there. I didn't tell maybe as many stories about, you know, things that I struggle with or

other people struggle with. And, you know, it's just a, just a simple book, a couple of years

into making. And I just tried to condense the stories and the practices that I've been

teaching for 40 years and applying to my own life and my family's life in this 100 page book,

yeah. Embrace your inner coach sounds like a wonderful guide for people and a very immediate

resource that they can very much relate to. And people can find you on your website, www.tomichal.com.

And I always ask my guests, Tom, what makes you psyched for life?

Yes, well, probably a very simple answer is James Taylor, one of my favorite musicians, sings a song,

wrote a song called The Secret of Life, is enjoying the passage of time. It's a beautiful song. He

wrote it probably 40, 50 years ago. And what psychs me is just enjoying the passage of time of

you know, do I like problems, no, or struggles, no, but try to looking, even looking at those

as opportunities now and not, you know, freak me out as much. And just, you know, enjoying the ride,

you know, that's, that sort of psychs me up. That's the most wonderful finishing message. Thank you

so much, Tom. You've been inspiring for all our listeners. Thank you so much and grab a copy of

embrace you in a coach. I'm sure it's going to enhance your life. Thank you, Tom Mitchell,

PhD, psychologist. Thank you so much. Thank you, Amanda. I appreciate it.

If you've enjoyed listening to this podcast, please rate, review and subscribe on Apple, Spotify,

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