Focus on the Family with Jim Daly - Practical Help for When You're Overwhelmed (Part 2 of 2)

0:00It feels like this force that is absolutely about to come over you and take over you and make it so that I mean if you've ever been tumbled in a wave in the ocean you can't for you. You're so disoriented you don't even know which way it's up. That's Sherry Gregory describing what it feels like to be overwhelmed and Sherry was our guest last time along with Kathy Lip. They talked about a great book they've co-written called Overwhelmed. About a quiet the chaos and restore your sanity. We'll hear more from them today on Focus on the Family with Jim Dealey and I'm John Fuller. John last time we shared a very instructive conversation with Kathy and Sherry about where many busy families are living today. Stressed out running from one thing to another. Is it ringing anybody's bell? And not experiencing the peace of God which Philippians 4.7 says we'll surpass all understanding and will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. It's that sense of being overwhelmed like Sherry was saying in the opening clip there.

1:03I think women in particular may be more susceptible to this because moms for example have so many details they're trying to coordinate all at once all the time and it would be wise for us as husbands to try to lean in and ease that burden for our wives when they feel this way. We also learned about how different personalities react to being overwhelmed. The expressive, the analytic, the drivers, the amoea bulls and the highly sensitive person or HSP. This was really interesting content and if you missed it be sure to get the download from us or get the focus on the family app so you can access all the programs anytime you'd like. We'll have more information about our guests and their book overwhelmed and of course our app as well all on our website. Right now here's part two of the conversation with Sherry Gregory and Kathy Lip on focus on the family with Jim Daley. You talk about the power of micro steps and that sounds self evident.

2:07Okay if I'm feeling overwhelmed if I just do these one or two things it'll get me to a better place. Is that what you're driving? Well okay so I was reading all these blogs and all these books that say hey we're going to break it down into three simple steps and there's simple steps where things like empty out your inbox for email. I'm like oh my goodness. How many do you have in there like 3000? No, no I'm one of those people who gets freaked out if it gets above 50 but those 50 to me they are 50 obligations I have to get back to. Roger has about 3000 in his box my husband and I can't even look. I mean it just it sends me into a panic attack. But in his mind all those are probably categorized. I share Roger's sense of that. I've got a lot of unmet emails. Hey as long as you can sleep it's fine. I just can't think about you. But I remember going to my inbox and seeing these emails that I knew that there was some kind of discussion that was happening or a problem and it felt overwhelming to say okay

3:11I'm going to do that email right now. So I had to break it down into micro steps and this is going to sound kuku for koko puffs to some people listening. But I had to give myself a check mark just for opening the email. Okay so that counts as a step. Right not even reading the email but I just needed to open up because there's something about opening it up okay we've started the process okay we're doing this and then another step of reading the email not responding just reading and so I call those micro steps and for some reason putting those down and giving myself a little bit of credit for each of those steps help me be less overwhelmed. And I think there are so many things in our day when you say okay I have to get dinner tonight. Well we have to think about the hundred of micro steps that go into that which sounds overwhelming but if you just say okay one of your steps is you have to decide what's for dinner and that decision fatigue can get to a place where you're saying okay I have to decide and then I have to shop and then I have to cook and so that's why we really

4:15believe that pre deciding which we talked about before making decisions in advance but then just saying okay micro steps if something is really overwhelming you you don't have to take your dog to the vet. The only thing you have to do right now is find a time on your calendar where you could take the dog to the vet and then the next step is finding the phone number for the vet. Take it down so you're not so overwhelmed and you give yourself credit for what you are doing. Let me ask you a practical question so and this is for Jean and I you know Jean is managing the home because you know she's there she's keeping that all in track sometimes I'll have maintenance issues that we got to take care of that you know she's not necessarily grabbing the what or the how or the why it might be the air conditioner the heaters broken down I'm saying you're the one that's going to be here I can't call and schedule it because I don't know she's going to be there from noon to three on Wednesday right because she's got her own yeah so all you know it first we're kind of stepping on her schedule because I would do that yeah I'm not going to be here Wednesday to three so she'd have to call

5:17back how do you get into that and so okay and she's already feeling overwhelmed like calling to get that fixed Jim is just man that's like one hundred things are you both side I can see your faces but there's a real practical one how how do I help her help me get it done so I think asking her what she needs what part of this is overwhelming for you is it knowing which guy to call is it they're going to ask you questions that you're not going to have the answer to so maybe the solution is Jean calls for the time but if they have any other questions than that besides the time then you're on speed dial it's overwhelming does it work for you to call and have the company make the appointment with Jean call her and just say Jim called us and I think it's still a sense of being overwhelmed I think for her just having to put that into an already busy schedule overwhelms her to where it's like wow I just and so inevitably what can happen is it just takes and it can frustrate me because it'll

6:18take just too long to get it fixed and now we got a little spark going between us and I'm going come on but here okay I'm coming to jeez defense I'm here for you Jean let me tell you all the things they're going on in this one it's decision fatigue like she's having to make more decisions right I get it and overwhelm is the unknown you know she can have to answer the repair guy's question well ma'am this is gonna cost you know $1,500 do you want to spend that and you're in a meeting and she's having to make the decision there's all sorts of stuff going on there and so what I need when I'm overwhelmed in a situation like that I just need to know that Roger is on my team that I can say you'll talk to the guy right yes I will talk to the guy another good way maybe just say give me four blocks a time yeah and I could take care of it but I need your blocks of time right and that could be hard too yeah I don't have any of those blocks of time but here's the

7:18but you know what asking the question you feel like you're on the same team yeah that's right it doesn't feel like well you're at home honey so you have to take care of all this it says no we're a team and I can come in on these hard parts for you and we're going to make this work let's move to a different example where you guys give advice in your book overwhelmed about saying no which I think for some personality types which we covered last time and maybe you can connect this with a certain personality type struggle saying no I doubt a driver for example struggles with no but maybe but certainly the the people pleaser would and everything they're asking is okay well let me check which means yes to the listener yes and means maybe to you and now you're stuck doing it and you're already over booked so an amiable is going to have a hard time saying no because they want to be the people pleaser that's what you're saying so they they may leave things open ended whereas we feel like that's a yes they haven't committed to it and so there's a misunderstanding

8:20there the expressive says yes because yes is fun yes is so much fun to say yes I will do that yes this will be great the driver has a hard time saying no to themselves when change comes up oh they're not okay with change we said we were going to do this on January 7th so that is when it's going to happen and so we all have these problem and you know the the okay so we've done driver oh so the analytic well just because that's what we've said we're going to do we're going to do it dry it's also a little driverish but because there was a plan we're all sticking with the plan right so the drivers can't say no because they want to get it done the analytic can't say no because we said we were going to do it that's how we're doing it so it's very hard every personality has a problem saying no and Sherry let me ask you because I think you you probably have struggled with this how do you get a hold of that calendar that schedule and say I I just can't do it and be very

9:21emphatic so you're not communicating a maybe yes you're actually communicating a definite no you know the important thing is to realize that when you say yes you're saying yes to everything not just a yes to oh you made me feel good I used to say yes because I wanted to communicate that the relationship was important to me that measured your relationship that's interesting yes and I'm realizing that I can say no to somebody without saying no to the relationship I can say I value our relationship this thing you've asked me I cannot do but I still value is that how you would say it will play a little bit as girlfriends how would you do that between each other well if if I was going to share Sherry oh my I have the most exciting opportunity for you we get to write a book together and it's I can't wait I've already got it all planned out and I know you're really busy but I think this is going to be a great opportunity for you Sherry responds okay so which Sherry is going to respond because of Kathy were to ask to write another book I'm on board oh wait

10:25no no I need to you know I'm going to get one of the things that I've learned okay so Kathy all right so say that last line again I know what I'd say I would really like for you to join on with with I've got it all planned out this is going to be great will you do Kathy it sounds like so much fun it oh my goodness you have the best ideas and you know I adore working with you if you need an answer right now my automatic answer is no but if you can give me 24 or 48 hours to talk to Daniel and to pray about it I'd love to get back to you after having a chance to think about it but if you need the answer right now I'm going to have to say no because I'm in a season right now where everything's an automatic no if it's not already in my calendar that's good now fast forward 48 hours and you still have to say no to Kathy your dear friend who's going to measure a relationship and how much you love and respect based on this answer what you're going to say well well well well if she's my dear friend she's not going to measure my relationship that's right and if if it's somebody who's measuring my relationship based on guilt then actually our relationship is probably very close to over at this stage how do you recognize that you maybe

11:29have a blind spot as a friend and you're a bit of a manipulator if I could be this bold to where you know you want to get your way yeah so you begin to manipulate your friendships for your benefit whatever that might be I have had because I can talk people into anything I can see that yeah I can come to find again that's why I've got a wedding ring I've no a graduate of the Roger still wondering how did that happen but what I've come to understand is I need things to be a win-win win I need things to be a win for my friend I need things to be a win for me and I need things to be a win for God's kingdom and if I can't look at the ask and say yes it's a win-win-win she's going to benefit from doing this I'm going to benefit from us working together and there is going to be great kingdom results because of this then I need to go back and say

12:30is this the right thing for her is this the right thing for me now that doesn't mean I don't get to ask I always get to ask because I don't want to put more pressure on her and come to find out the things I hate to do she loves to do and she felt like she missed an opportunity yeah so I have to trust Sherry that she has great boundaries and that she is going to say yes to the things she wants to say yes sounds like love your neighbor as yourself it's so true and Sherry I'm still thinking about your comment about having a season of everything is default no we went through a season like that where my wife just the automatic was no no no it takes a while to kind of dig out of that but how do you start let me piggyback at what Kathy was just saying and let me see if I can connect all of these because your question was about if you feel like you are the potential manipulative that you guilt people into things one of the things Kathy's always been good at is giving us enough time giving

13:30me enough time when she invites me to participate in something it's rarely rescue it's usually help it's usually being invited to join her team and that's been huge for me as I as I'm coming out of the nose and starting to say yes as again I've tended to be a rescuer but I don't want to drive the ambulance anymore I want to be a part of a team I want to be a part of a plan I'm wanting to be more spontaneous but I'd like to be a part of something that there's enough time to really enjoy it and do it well so I'm saying continuing to say no to the things that are last minute a lot of last minute things don't even need to be done and especially if it doesn't involve my particular strengths and you know we talked in the last episode of being an HSP I'm looking more for those highly sensitive person strengths can they use me or will this particular thing I'm being asked to do actually deplete me and leave less for my family and so I'm trying to say yes a lot more but very intentionally and making sure that those are the yeses for who God created me to be rather than me constantly stepping in yes you want me yes you want me but then I'm taking roles

14:33that maybe somebody else would be so much better to fill well and Sherry what you're describing there is is really important because the rescuer emotionally you you derive a certain benefit from being needed being hero and being the person that is that is needed that I can help bring some peace to the situation and that ability then to say no is usually left behind I know in some marital conflict this is huge because and let's just put it in the context of how we're talking where the wife is that rescuer and so the friendships take precedent even over the marriage or sometimes the family and the shoe can be on the other foot but just keeping it in the context of a woman how would you coach life coach that couple maybe in different meetings and you're talking to the wife and you're also talking to the husband who now has become very frustrated because it looks like she cares more about those people outside of our immediate family rather than us and then you

15:34get bitterness built up and all this you're now in that counseling mode what are you saying to her and to the husband you want my honest response I'm going to tell her she's an adrenaline addict and she needs to cut loose because she's getting her sense of satisfaction her sense of identity from running around whether it's the bake sale or the committee chair or all of the friends who call and they need her right now and they need her in a way her husband doesn't they need her for that emotional and they're processing with her and she's awesome and she's awesome at that and her husband comes home and only needs what 20 to 30 words and he's good for the evening and the rest of the evening is silent and it doesn't feel as important to her it doesn't feel as connected she okay I'm not as good at Kathy as telling other people what to do so I'm just going to say what I needed to do with my husband you know what he loves more than anything else he loves being in the same room with me I don't know why but after almost 30 years he just wants to be in the same room

16:36with me and I have learned to exhale from this man because he'll just hang out on the couch and the cats will show up and I'll grab a book and somewhere in there I feel my anxiety level dialing down and I get to this point that feels so unfamiliar and I go oh that's what peace feels like oh this is what freedom feels like and I realize a lot of this not all of it but a lot of this overwhelm I have done to myself I have brought on myself and let's go into the man's counseling session okay let's go into that room right because here's where I think the woman when she's with her friends her friends are saying thank you so much I so desperately needed somebody to talk to and she's feeling that appreciation and when a husband can say you know what honey when you sit next to me on the couch that's home for me and when a husband can say that and it clicks in a woman's mind I'm not

17:39doing anything I'm not rescuing him but he just needs me with him so really articulating to your wife this is what the best part of our relationship for me is then she can understand that's important to him it brings the weight that all those other relationships outside the house brings and that's where she can start to say you know I need to be home a couple of evenings because that's what makes my husband happy and I want to be able to do that and I know that there's no greater joy in my marriage than when I know I'm meeting my husband's emotional needs this is such a good stuff I mean I think we're hitting some some real raw nerves and I hope again we got some other questions for here but overwhelm your book I think is going to be a great asset to so many women particularly but us husbands as well let me talk about the Sabbath you mentioning your book the importance of the Sabbath you know what's so interesting for us even as Christians we don't talk a lot about that I was in Israel recently with Ray Van der Laan who does the series with this

18:44that the world may know and he was reiterating the importance to God's heart that we take that time and because he knows how he's crafted us and engineered us and he's very specific that we take that rest he knows us better than we know ourselves but we're so busy yeah and we pride ourselves in our busyness that we don't even take a day and I I had to learn this the hard way from almost having a breakdown not having intentional rest in my life and one thing I was understanding was that I was looking at Sabbath as God was taking things away from me I really did I thought I was getting robbed and what I've come to understand and by the way when we talked about we can't do this because we don't work on the Sabbath a family mocked us people thought we were insane they said we're going to check up with you on Facebook to make sure but what we've come to understand and we do

19:48it what works for our family is dinner time on Saturday to dinner time on Sunday and it was weird at first can I just say that it was so weird and what does it look like Sabbath in your home so now what it looks like is it is time that it was reserved for God for our family and for rest and we didn't know what to do with ourselves we were we're so used to accomplishing and we're so used to having Sunday to catch up on everything the leftover goal right that was our catch up and sharey share to quote with me one time and I'm going to get it totally wrong but Sunday isn't the time Sabbath isn't the day to catch up on everything that we've missed out on the week Sunday is the day to prepare for everything on our week and that doesn't mean physically but spiritually so what we did when Roger and I first did this were like well what do we do you know it's so we're so used to doing and so we had days where we didn't have anything do we didn't have any deadlines and what we

20:52did was we started to invite our neighbors over for dinner we started to make sure that our adult kids knew hey this is the night that we're here and we can hang out we started to go to to mon array because there was nothing we had to do what a concept there was nothing we had to do so we got to do things that brought us joy and I would fight somebody to the death for my Sabbath I am so protective of it and it my Sabbath has to move around because I am a speaker on the road sometimes I'm speaking on Sunday mornings so Monday is my day you know I I have to play fast and loose with the Sabbath but I take a day and that is my day for God and for rest and for family and I am so protective of it now so and you've been able to hold to that even though there's an endless list of things you need to do and and what do you just push those things off then there's always going to be tomorrow you know what we are designed to work for six days that's God's

21:53designed for us and so and when I say work I also mean the Costco run I mean oh that's work it's work and we don't count it we try to fit that in on all the edges and it doesn't work so what does that look like for a mom with young kids well I know those kids are work seven days a week and amen I get that and I'm not saying you get to go have a Bahama holiday and that's just I know that but what I'm saying is from Saturday night for us to Sunday evening that is not our time to accomplish it we I can do laundry six days a week I can well I could do it I could do it nine and we they're only two of us how is that even possible one of the things we talk about in the book is that you know the expression how much do you have on your plate well we have to realize everybody has different size plates some of us are walking around with turkey platters and some of us are walking around with teacup saucers and if all you can do is keep those little kids alive

23:01know that about yourself and be okay with that don't compare yourself to other people who are raising children and you know they've got eight kids and they're homeschooling and they are running a home business and they're serving the community that person has a turkey platter and maybe borrowing other people's plates let's just be honest if you have a smaller plate you have a smaller capacity you get overwhelmed easy maybe you're an hsp it maybe it's the time in your life whatever recognize the size of your plate and live off of that don't try to do more than God has designed for this time in your life well that's really good advice wise words from our guest Kathy lip about how to better manage your life especially when you feel overwhelmed this is focus on the family with Jim daily we've been getting some great encouragement and practical insights from Kathy and her co-author Sherry Gregory and they've been sharing insights from their book overwhelmed

24:06how to quiet the chaos and restore your sanity the title just says it all and I'm sure there are many women and men who can relate to what we've shared last time and today they're saying this is me I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know where to turn for help well that's why focus on the family is here for you we want to equip you with the resources you need to have a strong and healthy family and experience God's grace and peace in your life this book overwhelmed can help you do that we also have our team of caring Christian counselors if you need to talk to someone and get godly advice about how to move forward in your life so get in touch with us ask to speak with a counselor and if you can help us financially that will allow us to reach out to many more hurting families in the days and months ahead and Jim a god is using focus on the family to make real impact the generosity of our friends is helping change lives we recently heard from a woman

25:07named Rose who said she thought she was prepared for motherhood at age 30 but she wrote this the daily pressures left me overwhelmed until focus on the family helped redirect my heart back to Christ you gave me encouragement on the hardest days and reminded me that I wasn't meant to parent on my own strength with the steady encouragement I find through focus on the family our family is growing stronger and more connected cabam I mean that's what I love to hear that's so encouraging and I want to thank you Rose for sharing that comment it takes a moment to do that I appreciate the fact that you took the time to let us know how we've impacted you and most of all praise god it's to his credit when you donate you are doing ministry through your giving and our partnership is having a tremendous impact on the families like we just heard so if you can make a monthly pledge to focus on the family today we want to say thank you by putting a copy of Kathy and Sherry's book right into your hands yeah and if you're in a spot where you can't do a monthly pledge but you

26:11can make a one-time gift we're going to say thanks in the very same way your gift will really be beneficial to the ministry of focus on the family so donate today get the book and if you need to connect with one of our counseling team members all when you call 800 the letter A in the word family or check the show notes for details and coming up tomorrow counselor Eliza Healy offers some really great insights about parenting overwhelmed children I also think it helps us as parents to not wrongly miss what they're actually feeling and I think that comes up in all ages of kids where you might see what you think is anger and it comes out as anger but there's actually something deeper thanks for listening to focus on the family with Jim daily I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ