Functional but Numb? Here's What's Actually Happening

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Today we're talking about something millions of people are feeling, but very few are

naming.

You're functioning, you're productive, you're showing up, but underneath it all.

You're tired, you're irritable, you're disconnected, or you're just numb.

And maybe you're even starting, you know, to tell yourself, I should be fine.

Other people have it worse.

Why can't I just get it together?

Joining me is Chad Taylor, he's a psychotherapist and an author who works with people who don't

look broken, but they feel it on the inside.

Chad, you know, I just want to dive into it.

I really, you know, I'm really excited to get into this topic.

I really like to ask you, are we dealing with laziness or nervous system overload?

Good question.

I think it's predominantly nervous system overload that almost manifests and looks like laziness.

And unconsciousness, I suppose, is the biggest thing that we're dealing with.

I think not even realizing what we're doing, almost being on autopilot.

Right.

Now, why are so many high performing adults feeling like emotionally exhausted right now?

Because I think we're feeling our souls with the wrong food.

I think that there's this myth that, and even that word, you know, a myth used to,

a thousand years ago, a myth used to mean a truth, and we've almost completely flipped

that now.

And a myth is almost like a false thing where, you know, a myth used to be truth.

So that probably shows right into where we're at, we've flipped things that are meaningful.

Yeah.

Now we're chasing the top of the mountain, which would have been, you know,

I suppose you won't call it enlightenment, but it would have been a connection to source

or a connection to everything and everyone.

And now we've replaced that with prestige and money status.

Yeah.

I agree with you completely.

Now, what's the difference between depression and burnout?

It's a good question, actually.

I suppose depression to me is something that's happened genuinely, something from

the past that is still affecting our life today.

Right.

And I guess burnout can have the same, I had burnout last year where I was seeing too many

clients.

So I love what I do and being an addict in recovery and an alcoholic in recovery.

That can manifest into other.

Just because I'm not taking drugs in alcohol doesn't mean that I don't have that energy

in me that if something is good or I love doing something, I've really got to be mindful

that I don't do it to excess.

Yeah.

And I guess burnout for me really got to a point where I was almost, it was almost like

I, I suppose there's a feature called Locked In, which I'm sure you know about almost

in small versions where I felt like I was almost locked into my body where the nervous

system overload was just way too much.

Like it was almost like that rather than flight flight or freeze for me, it was almost

like I was in freeze.

I just, I couldn't and move and depression.

I guess the word depression if we look where it comes from.

It really means to press down like depression means depress.

It feel that is more the fact of that things that we haven't processed or things that are

going on in our lives and majority of the time from the from the past is almost pressuring

us down.

Right.

And the word suffering almost comes from the same thing that we are suffering with the

way to the world on us, but there's a purpose to that as well, you know, my mentor used

to say to me, don't let the suffering end too soon, there's a lesson in this.

So sometimes, sometimes the dose of depression is the universe, I think.

The universe and our soul almost saying, hey, you're on the wrong path here, we're going

to give you this event to, you know, almost pick you up and remove your parallel universe,

I guess, move you over here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, I agree with you completely.

Now, what does deregulated, you know, actually mean in simple terms?

To me, deregulated means that I'm going to give you the simple chat, two minute version

of the brain, the back brain almost controls breathing, heart, blood, all these things,

you know, the automatic stuff that we don't even think about, the middle brain, the animals

have the same as well as instincts, fight, flight freeze, all those instincts and behaviours

there that, you know, generally social security and sexual, that's where those things lie.

And then the front brain really is where we can make decisions from.

For me to answer your question, when we get triggered and that trigger can be an ex-girlfriend

of, you know, a car that my ex-girlfriend drove 20 years ago that drives past and I don't

have control over where my brain goes, it might think, I wonder how Nicky's going, or

I wonder how Sanso's going.

So for me, it's once that front brain goes offline and this is proven on FMR I scans,

so we actually can't make a conscious decision in that moment.

So that's how I already explain that to a client and the work I do in therapy is almost

trying to work out practices and, you know, I can't give anyone out there, five things

is going to change your life, but I can give you things that I've done and things I've

tried and things that I haven't and I don't ever give you, you need to read this book.

I'll say, you know, and we'll probably get to that later.

But, you know, for me, it's really, the work that I do is trying to keep this engaged

longer because we can't make a conscious decision if we're in this middle brain which is this

instinctual brain.

Right.

That's so true.

Now, why do successful people ignore early warning signs?

Because we're on autopilot, where I don't think they're there, I don't think they realize.

I actually don't think we realize, you know, the Olympics is I'll not begin to watching

sport and I've struggled to, to, I guess, you know, see the passion in that, right, as

a viewer, as the, as the person doing it and I guess the reason I'm going to this question

is that, you know, these, these people, someone said to me the other day, oh, it's amazing

to see how upset they get, you know, if they haven't come first and I sort of said, well,

when you've set your whole life up, yeah, to get to somewhere, not knowing that it might

have been since, you know, you were three years old.

Right.

Actually lived in the same area as the Australian that won gold in, you know, I think it was

in the skiing.

That's how much I know.

I just know, I know his father and, you know, he's life was, you know, he'd leave school

and he'd go to the, the mountains for four months every year and, and he was passionate.

When you set yourself up to do that, you do, you will do anything, you know, it's a bit

like it's an instantial behaviour, right?

I think to get to the top of the mountain, like if, if a dog's on he, female dogs on he,

the male dog will rip through the house and I wrote this in the book, the male dog will

rip through the house, it'll bust real window, it'll, you know, claw a hole in the wall

to get to it because it's not in control.

It's an instantial behaviour and I think for us, it is an instantial behaviour to be

successful because money, in a base level, money equals security and if we look at nose

lows, hierarchy of needs in his triangle, we've got the bottom one which is, you know,

physiological needs which is food, you know, really food air and water.

The next one up from that is security and unfortunately, in today's world, because

we don't bother much and we don't swap, things and, you know, we can jump on YouTube and,

you know, I can find out how to be a podcaster, I can find out how to replace the window in

my house, I can find out how to replace my lights.

I think we've lost a lot of these, so we're almost clawing to try and get to the top.

So for that security, that's the way I would explain it.

I like that explanation, that's an excellent, that's an excellent answer.

Now, if you're constantly pushing through stress without recovery, your body will eventually

force you to slow down, you know, you see like, you know, people will say, I can't focus

anymore.

They, you know, I snap at the people I love, I don't feel joy, I need caffeine to, you

know, wine to regulate, you know, I feel disconnected in my relationships.

You know, why do people assume something is wrong with their personality instead of

recognizing it's a nervous system fatigue?

Well, because I think we aren't really scored on this stuff, I think, you know, I'm sure

it's the same in America, and I know it's the same in Europe, where it's almost, you

know, we've got 11-year-old kids here.

My daughter was in year, in year six, which is, I don't know, the schooling system, exactly

in America, but it's the, it's the first school you go to, so she's in year six, she's 11

years old, and they want to ship her off in a bus to a place to look at uni, uni degrees

and what, and her speak to all these people that are doing different uni degrees.

And I said, look, said to her, if you really want to go down, I'm, I'm happy for you to

go.

So I don't have permission to sleep and pay for the bus, but I don't really see the necessity

of putting this stress on you.

You know, at 12, at 11, she should be doing the fun things of, you know, I don't know

kids grow up fast these days because of the internet, but, you know, doing, you know,

doing crafty things and not worrying about, you know, at 18, when you finished high

schooling, be calling Australia, I don't, anyway, when you finished all that schooling

before you choose to go to university, if you do, if you do, right, again, there's a

lot of, you know, I've had friends that, you know, didn't go to university and their parents

stopped talking to them for a matter of five or 10 years because it was, you know, my

child is not going to become a plumber or my child is not going to become a builder or

a podcaster or anything, it's, if you don't go to uni, you're not a worthy human being.

So I think this is the exact thing that it's almost, you know, it's not, it's not, we

don't really, we don't really get love anymore, I think, for who we are as a person, I think

we get loves for who we are as a job.

Right, I agree.

Now is, is trauma always dramatic or can it be like subtle?

No, I think it can be very subtle.

And I think I write in my book about, you know, big tree trauma and little tree trauma.

So we all suffer trauma, you know, trauma really might, again, my simple version of this

is it's, it's almost when the psyche can't really process what's happening.

So it almost splits it off and stores an emotion and this all happens in a fraction

of a second and I write this in my book that when we're born, we, this is my belief anyway.

And I've read a lot of science, I've read a lot of, I've read a lot of religion and spirituality

and I don't sign up to any of it wholly.

Like, are you not going to find me?

I'll happily go to a church and I'll happily go to a Buddhist retreat and I'll happily read, you know,

but where I'm down with this is, you know, that it all, you know, trauma happens to all of us.

Trauma looks like, you know, dad's been busy or month's been busy.

You come home and you draw them a picture and as they walk in the door, you want to have,

you want them to have a look at the picture because for you, you've poured your heart and your soul.

You know, we spoke about writing a book before and before we press record and the heart and the soul

that goes into it.

Well, this little three year old child, Stacey and Chad, we've, we've drew this picture for our father

or for our mother and it's our soul is gone into this and then when they get home, we say,

I look when I made feed today, mum or dad, I'll have a look in a minute, mate.

I've just got to go and, I've just got to go and, you know, if I had $100 for every time I said to my kids,

when they were younger, I've just got to go and do this.

I'll have a look at that in a bit.

Well, that's a trauma, that's a trauma, right?

And people probably do this and this might be like, ah, because most in my therapy rooms,

I see two types of people and we have two types of people in the world now.

I think the, the world and I'm sure you talk about this a lot,

but it's become more and more polarized.

So I would say that, you know, somebody, if you'd mention the word Donald Trump,

and I don't know if that's for being on your podcast,

and I can say that, you know, he's going to save the world or he's going to ruin the world, right?

There's not many people, you know, and I almost, when I get somebody, say that to me,

someone's like, oh, you know, in person, do you?

It's like we speak with this conviction like, we actually really know what's going on.

Exactly.

So back to the trauma, back to the trauma thing.

So we all suffer trauma and repeatedly when that happens, you know, like,

I'll just quickly tell you one, one scenario that came to me the other month.

And I'll really use it a lot with people where my office is month or up and I was looking down

and there was two men there, almost having a physical altercation over a car park.

And I can look at it and judge, but that's me when I need a car park.

I might not be outwardly abusive, but inwardly, I'm thinking, you know, you mongrel,

like that was my spot or I had my blinker on and I sort of, I had a lunch break and I close my eyes

and I thought, well, here's the first time I ever felt like this.

What is it about those two white, white lines on a piece of asphalt that nobody owns?

I thought games like, you know, and musical chairs where, and it's not so much the game.

So musical chairs, I'm sure you guys have it over there at a school party.

It kids birthday party where there's, you know, 10 kids, nine chairs, the music stops.

You've all got to run for a chair and then somebody's out.

Yes.

So that's not really the problem.

The problem I see is in them, we're in the corner and we're upset and we're angry

and we're having an emotion.

Okay. We're having an emotion because we're meant to have an emotion a thousand years ago.

We would have been kicked out of the tribe and we wouldn't have survived.

That's what's happening inside of us.

This is the trauma and then we're told, come on Chad, if you're going to get angry, mate,

we're just going to go home.

Come on, mate, if you get a cry, I like it's just a game where I think it's these repetitive,

little things that happen sporting teams come along with school sports and, you know,

they go to sport and it's almost like you're the last one left or you think you're not

shit. There's three people out of 30 and every time someone gets chosen in front of you,

there's a little trauma of, I don't want to be left to last and then it's an odd number

and it's almost like, oh, well, I guess we'll have in then or it's like, no, you have it

because there's a waste of time anyway.

Yeah.

Okay. So I guess I'm carrying on a bit, but I'm so passionate that there's big

tea trauma, which is abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect is

I think neglect is a big tea trauma, which a lot of people go through and then on the

other side, it's all these little tea traumas.

You know, the teacher sends us out of the classroom and tells us we're not going to ever

amount to what you think.

Yeah.

You know, we get a B in our parents say, okay, Chad, well, that was great, but, you know,

what didn't you get an A?

I think we live in a world where it's very rare to not almost coach everybody on

becoming better.

Right.

I agree with you.

Now, what role does childhood conditioning play?

Everything in my everything, I would say, every single thing it plays and there's been

multiple studies and many people, lots more than me, written books and, you know, people

like Jover Spencer and, you know, Greg Braden talks a lot about this, Bruce Lipton.

I went and said Bruce Lipton live is one of my favorites.

He's such an eccentric, you know, for anyone that doesn't know him, biology, belief, and he

talks a lot about, you know, we used to have that debate about nature and nurture and

pretty much the nature is almost being pretty disregarded now where things are happening

like, you know, adopted children that haven't been told that they're adopted, living a family

called heart disease and then when they get to 50, they end up with heart disease and

then it's virtually pointed out that they don't even have the same DNA as the rest of the

family and they've believed they've been, because they believed that they have inherited

that, then they actually end up manifesting it.

And the reason I'm saying that is, I think, you know, with trauma, I think it comes out

of it, you know, like my father and my mother did the best they could, right?

I don't, I don't have any, I've done a lot of therapy, that's how I become a therapist.

I've become a therapist because I've done so much therapy.

I thought, well, I've almost got so much knowledge of what it's like to be the client.

I've probably got a bit of an insight into maybe becoming a therapist and that's one thing

I will say quickly that I still go to therapy now.

I go to therapy once a week because I think now as a therapist, I have more responsibility

to go to therapy.

I go to supervision, which is about, you know, speaking about clients that I might be struggling

with or not understanding where to go and I go to therapy for my own shit, right?

Because it's always there, right?

It's, but I don't understand how people couldn't say, couldn't believe like it's pretty narrow

minded to think that childhood hasn't played a part in who we are, you know, even someone

might hate broccoli because they were forced to have broccoli.

Somebody might look at an old car and, you know, their grandfather drove that car and

I'm going to be blunt here.

They might have molested them, but you can't tell me that if your grandfather drove an

old Pontiac or something and in today's time you're out with your new boyfriend or with

your family and your kids in a Pontiac exactly the same color drives past, you, I would

say that unless you're really good at distracting, which I don't think we're that good, we think

we are, but we're not.

I don't think that that person could not, could not have a feeling whether they are aware

of what's happening with the feeling inside the body of feeling uneasy when that happens,

you know, and I think we've been taught to forget about our intuition, which was a big

part in who we are, you know, Carl Jung talks about our psyche being cut into four quadrants

of almost intuition and perceiving and thinking and feeling, or unfortunately in the last

hundred years maybe a little bit longer, we've almost put every single thing into one quadrant

of thinking and we wonder why we're sort of in the situation that we are.

Yeah, that's so true.

Now, why do men especially struggle to talk about this?

Passionate answer as a man, and I'm mindful when I say this that I don't want to ever disregard

a woman either, right?

I don't want to disregard a woman's view, but I can't, you know, my explanation of this

is I could go and read a book and I could study to become a midwife, right?

I'm not sure if you've had kids or not, but I could study to become a midwife and I could

be at the top of my field intellectually and I could tell you every single thing there

was about, you know, having a baby.

But does somebody want me when they're there and the baby's on its way and they're in pain?

Do they want me, even a midwife, the answer's no, like I don't, that's why we don't see

many male midwives because if I was a woman, the last thing I would want was a man that

could never actually go through what I was going through, giving me that advice on what

to do.

You know, I think for men, for us men, whether we like it or not and I think maybe it's

changing now, but I think there was a difference in parenting for a long time, you know, we could,

you know, my analogy to that is there's a set of twins at the park and mum or dads with

them or mum and dad are with them and they both fall and over and they both grays and

they're in the exact same way and one of them, you know, and I'm sure you guys can guess

which one, one of them's like, come over here darling, come on, come here, give yourself

a hug, daddy will give you a hug or mommy will give you a hug, everything's going to be

okay, it's okay, it's okay, you know, the emotion was allowed to be had and then the other

one is, come on, you'll be right mate, come on, suck it up, come on, suck it up, come

on, get on with it and I think I probably don't need to say much more than that.

Yeah, I've heard a lot, you know, a lot of comments with, you know, the second one, you

know, just suck it up, you know, be a man, you know, you know, and, you know, they, you

know, especially in my generation and a lot of men grew up not knowing how to express

their emotions, they, they just pushed it down and even, even some women, you know, like

or a lot of women, you know, you know, they were, you know, they were told to just, you

know, deal with it and, you know, this is life and so, you know, when you repress so many

emotions, eventually those emotions are going to come to the surface and it's not going

to be pretty.

It's going to be explosive, you know, and, you know, I definitely saw a lot of that in

my generation.

It's, it's changed as time goes on, this new generation, Gen Z and everything else.

They're looking at things and doing things blood differently than we did, but in our generation,

I saw a lot of that, definitely.

And I think also a lot of, a lot of that happened to women as well.

I do think it happened to, because we were so busy, you know, I guess we're probably

about the same age roughly and we don't have to go into that now.

But I think a lot of that was when we seen the two people working and, you know, there

wasn't, there wasn't enough time to have an emotion, right?

I was all, you know, like, it was almost like, come on, mate, we haven't got time to

feed you to carry on like that.

We're going to get the groceries done.

Come on, mate.

You know, and, and I think it wasn't just men for that generation and I see, unfortunately,

I see, I almost see the opposite in my therapy.

I see, you know, toxic masculinity, or I say, no masculinity again, this, this dual, thick

world.

And I don't actually see much healthy masculinity, right?

That's so true.

Now I want to go to your book for a second, you know, I love, first of all, I love the

title.

You know, it's you.

Oh, fuck, it's me, you know, I love it.

I love it.

I want to know what inspired you to write that book and what made you come up with that

title?

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So it was actually going to be called originally, it was going to be called, I'm fucked,

you're fucked, why being wrong is for plate, because of what I say, you know, you're

ruined, right?

Yeah.

But because there's a, there's almost an oxytocin that gets released when we admit

fault in an intimate relationship, when we actually let that ego centric view down

and we admit fault, we actually get a release, it's not quite dopamine, but we get a

release of oxytocin, which makes us feel closer to the other person.

Yeah.

And I wrote it because I was, I grew up in a home that was the epitome of, you know, everybody

was the problem.

Yeah.

You know, I grew up in sort of rural Australia, coastal rural Australia, with not much

multi-culturalism, so if I'm completely blind and it wasn't, you know, it wasn't their

fault.

And when I say, you know, I'm mindful of what I say between me and you and the rest of

the world, right, that it wasn't like it was an actual leap thing.

It was just verbal stuff, right?

So at school, you know, jokes would be made about other cultures and sexist jokes would

be made.

And then I'd play rugby league, which is a pretty deep buffet sport for anyone out there

listening to it, like it's fun, but, you know, it's fun, but it's a bit of a buffet

sport, right?

So then all that sort of, all that sort of come to it as well.

Yeah.

You know, so I guess for me, it was, and then I guess the catalyst in the end was that,

you know, say a business relationship failed, a partnership failed or a lot of intimate

relationships is the biggest one where, you know, I would leave relationships or relationships

would end.

And I would truly believe if you put, if you hooked me up to a lot of tech out and said,

did you have much to play it for what in that?

I think I would have actually, you know, only had a, it had almost like a, I don't know,

let's just say it had bad wire around me.

It was hooked up to the power point.

It was like, if you get this wrong, you're going to get electrocuted to death.

Yeah.

You're on the electric chair.

He, I think I would have, I think I would have been electrocuted on a daily mid-by-minute

basis because I really believed, and you're only going to look at that car park scenario,

right?

Where each person, that's almost like, why are you so angry?

I'm not so angry.

You're angry.

No, I'm not angry.

And if he paused them, if he could freeze them like a Disney movie or a, you know, a Marvel

movie and freeze them in that moment, they would both believe that the other person wasn't

angry.

And I think for me, until I had multiple therapy of a different type, I've had a lot

of therapy, but I met a man that really, he dismantled those beliefs and he, the thing

I think he did well was, he told me what he was going to do before he did it.

So he would say to me, there will come a time where I won't be able to wake you up

nicely and I'll have to heat you with a bucket of water, metaphorically, right?

Yeah.

And then for me, it was like, we're right now to see the freedom in that.

When I see the freedom in that, it's like, I want to pass this on to the world like

this.

And our colleagues in Olympus does this as well.

The 12-step program of AA, almost dry or NA or GA or sex and love addicts or internet

technology doesn't really matter now.

That 12-step process of, of the 12-step fellowship, it tries to dismantle who we

think we are and really try and give us a view of, because I could guarantee, if someone

asked me the other day, they said, a client said, because I'm open with them, like Anne,

they are saying, I'll go to therapy.

I say, just so you know, I mean, that chair pretty regularly, I try and normalize it.

Just so you know, I mean, that chair pretty regularly, there's no hierarchy here.

I dress, I don't have work clothes and, I don't have work clothes in home clothes, I just

have clothes.

And when I had to work and, you know, this was a big thing of contention for my supervisor

because she was like, you can't wear, you can't wear bare feet to work.

And I'm like, if it's summer, I'm not putting shiny shoes on a long pants and a collared

shirt, I think it was a no-no to me.

And being because I'm trying to allow people to become authentic.

Yeah.

So I guess for me, I was the epitome of, you know, it's you, it's you, it's you, it's you,

it's you, it's you.

You know, and when we look at this and I'm sure you heard it before, but when we're

pointing the finger, there's one pointing up to the universe and there's three pointing

back at us.

And I'm sure that's not the first time you've heard that, right?

But it's really is that there's something in me that I'm struggling with, is that then

I want you, I want to change you so that I feel better.

Right.

Right.

Very true.

What's the core message that you're trying to get across in your book to others?

So the core message to me is relationships fail because we're unconscious of our own

sheet.

That's the, it's a simple line that we are actually unconscious.

All those things I've said today and say repeatedly the clients is that I believe, I see

the world through my lens.

Someone said the other day on my podcast, it's almost like we've all got our own little

VR headset.

Yeah.

And I could swap mine with yours.

I don't actually probably really understand, oh, okay, now I've got to understand the

of what Stacy's life looks like.

Because me and you don't know each other right from a virus.

So if I could, you know, if I'm completely, you've been a lot more warm to me than probably

my judgment would have been expected, right?

And that's the truth.

You know, in Australia, we can think that Americans can be a bit arrogant and things like

that.

And that's not the view.

And that's, that condition has been put on me, right?

I don't, I didn't grow up knowing anything about America.

That's the stereotype that's been, that's almost been landed on me.

And this is the exact thing, right?

Landed on me all the time.

Yeah.

So then we come on here and every American and every person I've been on their podcast

has been so amazing and warm and some of them are reached out afterwards saying, I'd

love to catch up with you just without the record button and so I guess it's exactly

that.

It's like, whenever I've got a preconceived idea or something, I've got to check

myself.

It could be a certain, someone might buy a car and they're like, oh, Dodger's a shit.

Yeah, my friend had a Dodger and I broke down three months after he got it and then they

did, and I go into this big story about the dealership letting him down and he didn't

have a car for 12 months and we love that shit right as human beings.

We love, we love telling a story and my thing is, well, oh, were you there, were you?

And you can sort of see there's, and then there's an offence taken because you've almost

given them the little bucket of water or the splash of water that's like, hang on a

minute, you're speaking like you fully know what's going on when I don't think many of

us do.

No, I agree, I agree.

What does the biggest misconception people have about healing?

That you do, you can buy a program, you can read a book, you know, that you get there

and then you're there and there's no more work to be done.

It's, I love to use an analogy rather than just answer the question as you can already

tell because it's a bit like going to the gym, right?

If I can show you photos of what I was like five years ago when I was going to the gym

and I wasn't big enough, but I was a lot fitter than I am now, right?

What I was doing and going to the gym and I don't show you photos because it means jack

shit to what's going on in my life right now.

Well, that's the best analogy I can give you.

You could have done a 12-way boot camp and got really, really fit and you're super fit

and unbeatable.

Once you start, it doesn't take very long for your fitness to fall off and then the

weight to come back on or the weight to go back off or the body to change or you to feel

different doesn't really matter about the looks or from far from superficial or it doesn't

matter whether it's to lose weight or gain weight or whatever it is.

But what I'm saying is nothing in the world, nothing in this world stays still, right?

The tree will lose it when it's about to go into autumn, you guys are at different

season, right?

The trees will lose their leaves every autumn and they'll paddle through winter and then

they'll grow again in spring and then and that's us, right?

So the misconception of healing is linear is complete bullshit because I could get to

a really good place and then I get a cancer diagnosis.

I could get to a really good place, one of my daughters gets hit by a car like I really

get out there universe, please don't let it happen, I could get to a really good place

and my partner decides to have an affair which I don't think is the case at the moment

but I have no control over anybody, I have an amazing relationship with both in therapy

with both therapists, I say to people I have the best relationships that I know outside

of a Disney movie and that's the truth but we both work really hard on that.

Right.

So nothing's linear.

No.

Nothing's linear really, nothing is linear, everything's cyclical and nothing's linear.

I agree, I agree.

What is the one exercise from your book that someone can try this week?

I'll give two, if that's okay, I'm going to say one thing, as soon as I say the word

meditation online for us, the eye rolls will start, right?

Because it's on time.

It doesn't work.

I write in the book, I'm passionate about this because I write in the book that meditation

isn't just like sitting down and closing your eyes and having 15 minutes of peace, right?

It's the reason I'm so passionate about meditation is if you can't control your thought, if

you can't catch your thoughts, the control is not the right word, do not listen to better

that out.

Catch your thoughts, you're not controlling your thoughts, you're catching them.

If you can't catch your own thoughts in a controlled environment with silence and

trying to see, this is what it looks like this morning, sit down and meditate, oh, I've

got Stacy this morning, but I'm not sure if we've confirmed an area, email's got a bit

mixed up and then I'm like, chat back to the moment, breathe and it's like, oh shit, did

you pay that bill from yesterday?

I'm not sure if you paid that bill back to the moment and then I might get 30 seconds

of nothing and then it might be, I was there enough milk to have a coffee before you

jump on with Stacy back to the moment and I'm going to shut up now, but so people think

that people that meditate sit down and just have this 15 minutes of bliss and maybe, you

know, some days I might get 10 minutes of bliss, most days I get, because of the world

we live in, I get those thoughts, but what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to bring him

back to the moment and breathe and think, thank you, you know, because whether we like

it or not, there's two of us in here, there's two of us in there's two of us in you, there's

a minimum of two of us in each person and I didn't create that so, you know, Eckhart

told talks about him, he's the power of now, are you the thinker, are you the voice in

your head or are you the enemy that's able to observe the voice in your head, which one

are you?

So that shows me there's two of us, right?

So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to show people that if you can't start to learn

to catch yourself, even if it's two minutes to start with, one minute, you can't tell me,

there's 8,760 hours in a year, you meditate for one minute a day, you know, that's 365

minutes, you can't tell me, you know, one breath in and one breath out, we'll actually

make use from a physiological point of view, we'll actually change how you feel.

So my biggest thing is that if we can catch it there, there's maybe a chance of catching

it when we meet argument and we think, actually, what am I doing here, because again, combat

that with this, you know, this prefrontal cortex or frontal lobe or whatever you want to call

it, once it, once we're in an argument, it's offline and we're in flight flight freeze

or fawn, what I'm doing is I'm trying to show people how can we engage this again, you

know, and there's three steps to change, or this is my, again, my version of it with

clients.

There's after the event, there's after the event, which is really important.

So I guess you asked me one thing and I'm giving you 10.

So you know, we've got a bit of mindfulness or meditation, the second thing is realising

that if we want to start to learn how to stop doing something, we have to learn how to

make amends after the event rather than just swallow the emotion and try and forget that

it ever happened.

If I've spoken badly towards my daughter or I've come in the door and, you know, I've

carried whatever energy I've got from the drive home or from work or from somebody not

paying me or whatever it is I've got to bill, who knows, could be anything.

Yeah.

But when I come home with that energy, if I don't do something with that and I unloaded

it on my family and then I say that I don't mean in a nasty way, I mean like I walk in

the door and the first thing I see is my daughter's shoes are in front of the door and I've

asked her repeatedly, she's a teenager, right, my job is to remind her because her brain's

not on worrying about doors.

The least thing that she's worried about is issues out the front of the door, right,

in her life right now.

But for me, and this again is what I'm saying is I think we try and look to control areas

of our lives because it makes us feel more in control in whatever's going on for us.

So if I walk in the door and I'm like, issues are out the front again, bags in a bloody

hallway, have you unpacked your lunchbox?

That's not really a nice greeting for her, right, that's like, what's wrong with you?

Yeah.

So if I can catch myself before I walk in the door, because I've done a bit of meditation,

I think hang on a minute, you've had seven clients today, plus there was a crush on

the way home from work, so you're an hour in traffic, like you know what you're selling.

If I can walk in the door and say to everyone, hey, look, I'm really spent, I'm at like

a three, if there's an hour or zero to ten, I'm about a three now.

And I'm just going to go and distract or do whatever, you know, go and breathe or read

or run above.

I'm not ignoring you guys.

This is about me, not about you.

Right.

Right.

So that's a big strategy is identifying your emotion, but being in a safe relationship because

I'm going to use again, I'm going to be the, it might sound a bit sexist, but it's the

best example I've got and it happens in, same sex couples and it happens in reverse,

but let's just say I'm seeing a couple and, you know, she's saying that he isn't open

enough with his emotions, which we talked about before.

Yeah.

When I see couples, I generally see them together and then I see him and then I see her

and then I see them together and then I see him and then I do a rotation of one, one

together because I think I need to have the individuals to push hard and wake them up

without an audience.

Right.

Anyone that only does couples therapy, I think it, with a couple, I think you're missing

out a lot because there's always a mask we put on when the other person's there.

We can never be fully ourselves, unfortunately.

I think it's a lot.

Yeah.

So any mood, so she says, I'd like him to become more emotional and share what's going

on with me.

So he comes to therapy and he learns how to do that.

He comes home from work and he walks in the door and he says, I'll look, I'm just letting

you know, I'm really angry, this and this is, this has happened and then it's met with,

well, don't come here, home here with your fucking anger.

Now I'm angry.

So we've also got to make sure that we're aware of what we're doing, right?

Right.

So back to what I said, making amends after the event.

If you do that enough, if you catch yourself after the event and you keep apologizing and

making a proper amends, you will get to a point, trust me on this, where you'll catch

yourself mid-argument or mid-carrying on.

If you do them too enough, there'll be the occasional time when you'll start to catch

yourself before the event.

Well, that's where we want to get to.

But if we don't do these enough, if we don't do these enough, so meditation or mindfulness,

preferably first thing in the morning, if you can and if you, if your mind's busy, it's

okay.

Like it's part of the process.

You're not trying to stop it.

You're trying to observe it and then catch it and then bring yourself back to the moment,

right?

You're not trying to stop having any thoughts because that doesn't, you're trying to

do that when you're on your phone or you're trying to do that when you've got another

obsession, right?

We're not trying to do that.

We're trying to observe.

And the Dalai Lama says, everybody, everybody in the world, every human being needs 15 minutes

of meditation a day and if they can't find time for that, they need an hour.

So that probably sums up.

Now, the reason it's called a practice of meditation is because it is that it's a

verb, right?

It's an action.

It's a practice.

So that would be the number one thing.

And then making amends when you've been wrong and actually not trying to, without a

bar, making amends without a bar is the secondary thing I would say because we're always, we're

always, you know, doing things that other people will perceive to be offensive and truth

be known.

If we were watching ourselves back on a video, we would, we would probably cringe.

And that was what I said before, I got sidetracked before where a client asked me, will you ever

stop going on a therapy?

And I said, the day that I can have a camera follow me around, a camera man follow me around

every minute of every day.

And I've never had a cringe moment or never looked back and have a moment.

It's like, wow, did you really just talk to that shopkeeper like that or did you really

just, you know, not let that person in in traffic because you pretended you didn't see them

like it sees little things.

It's not the, the big things.

It's a little things of like, I'm having a shit day and I can see someone pulling out

of their driveway.

I mean, a traffic jam.

And I'm just looking at them and I think in my mind, it's like, there's something in

me that says, not today, buddy, like, no, I'm pretending I didn't see you here.

Where tomorrow, I could be in a completely different state of mind.

And I'm like, yeah, come on, mate, come on, come on, I'm, I'm quite happy to let them

out.

So the, and I'll say that to anybody when you said before, you know, is, is healing when

we get to healing a certain point if you, if you couldn't have a camera on you honestly

and watch that movie back in with all your friends and family on a big screen regularly

and not cringe at any moment, then stop doing any work on yourself until that actually

happens.

Don't stop.

Yeah.

100%.

Now, what does real emotion, you know, like real emotional strength actually look like?

Only in your shit number one, emotional strength, only in your shit, trying to be present, again,

trying to be aware of other people's emotional states, I think, is number one thing.

You know, mirror neurons are a massive thing, you know, people that, again, just going

back to what I said before, people that are a bit unemotional, get a rat, but they're

the people you want in a crisis, right?

You don't want someone that's falling apart that's overly emotional in a crisis.

We want somebody that actually is, can, can have that emotional strength, right?

And as a parent, I think a lot of parents use their kids as therapists in front of

anyone out there, check yourself that you're not right.

If you're complaining about your work and you're complaining about other people around

your kids or even on the phone in front of them, you're almost, you're almost trying to,

because everything's energy.

You're trying to transfer your energy and where's it going?

If you're telling them your sob story, or your frustration story, where's it going?

Right.

Going on to them, right?

It's almost like a game of tag.

So emotional strength to me is being able to weather the storm.

As a man, I think masculinity to me is almost the best example I ever read of it and I've

developed it is, it's almost becoming the safe container and safe for anyone out there.

I'm not saying container as in control, I'm saying to say for like, and then the feminine

energy of being able to bounce around in that feeling safe and not having to, you know,

and I think we all have feminine and masculine energy inside of us.

Right.

It's not like I'm saying here, I mean, if we like this and the woman should be like this,

right?

Yeah.

But I think the emotional strength is exactly that.

Like if I've, if I've upset my partner, the emotional strength to me is her being able

to say, hey, look, can we have a chat today?

Yeah.

I've got a few things I want to have a talk about.

And me just knowing, okay, well, I've almost got to be like my, the logo from my business

is the tree of life, right?

No.

Anyway, I'll just actually flip it around so the root system is stronger, is larger than

the top, right?

Because it's like, when she wants to come with me to me with that, I've almost got to

make sure my roots are in the ground, I've got to weather it.

I don't turn away.

I don't try and argue.

I don't get, you know, it's hard, right?

But I don't, as I'm getting triggered, I'm feeling emotional strength is not being

triggered.

Emotional strength is only your own triggers and not projecting it on to somebody else.

100%.

So then, and then I've got to weather it and it doesn't mean I'll become a yes man, doesn't

because that's not, that's not attractive to women either.

Women don't want yes men, right?

You know, like I've had women that you come in and it's like, you know, the problem

is he's too nice.

It's like, what do you want for dinner?

And it's like, I don't know, darling, what would it, whatever you want?

And then it gets to parenting and then they can't make a decision and the men can't pay

a bill.

I had one couple not long ago where he couldn't pay a bill and I've seen these multiple

times and I'm like, why don't you give him, why don't we, okay, we've got to teach him

very sad.

But we've got to teach him how to pay a bill, right?

He doesn't know how to do it.

So what's one bill you can put on the fridge and it's his responsibility and you come

back in that week and she was so flustered, she said, I just paid the bill because I

know the electricity was going to be cut off.

And I said, well, how's that for you to hear that?

That's not emotional strength, right?

Right.

Emotional strength to me, for men and women, for kids, for whatever is learning, to feel

safe and secure in the world and not have to, when you have an emotion, don't land it

on someone else.

Try and work out what the fucking emotion is.

Exactly.

It's emotional strength, it's not not having emotions, it's knowing what they are and

I'm really passionate about this.

It's knowing what they are and I'm just trying to fucking get rid of them onto somebody

else.

Exactly.

100%.

And people do that all the time.

Now, how do you know when it's time to get help?

When you're born.

When you're born into the world.

No, I think, truthfully, I think.

I guess when you, like, again, Eckhart Toley in his book, I love his book because he

simplified meditation and mindfulness, right?

The power of the mouth, where anyone out there, that it's, stress is being here, he's

definition.

The level of stress where under is where we are now, to where we'd like to be.

Okay.

That's the level of stress we're under.

So I guess for me, it's, well, number one is if you've had a failed relationship, go

and do some therapy, right?

100%.

If you've had a failed intimate relationship, go and do some therapy around it.

Even if you don't think you need therapy around it, go and do it because most relationships

I see today are almost a pseudo therapeutic environment where two people meet and a lot

of the time now we meet online or through dating, Apple, through Instagram or somewhere

like that, right?

And then you think about, this is how it looks.

Right.

It looks like, you know, I suppose you've asked the question and again, I'm going around

about it.

So, and this isn't happening to me, but I'm in a relationship.

I've been married for five years, 10 years.

Obviously, things change, right?

Kids have come in, I'll put on weight.

She doesn't have time for exercise.

She's not feeling good about herself sometimes, the normal scenarios.

She goes to bed early, I stay up late, right?

And here I am on my phone because we've all got our phones in our hands and I want messenger

or something on scrolling Facebook and then a girl I went to school with, she's got the

same scenario in her bed, right?

Yes.

You know, life gets in the way of all of us.

And then all of a sudden, she might reach out with a message or the man does, it's like,

oh, hey, go on, haven't seen you for years.

And then you start walking in pretty quickly, it's like, oh, yeah, not really being heard

at the moment.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, really are things in my relationship, haven't been that great.

And then we go into what should be told in a therapeutic room, right?

And then we think we've fallen in love with this person and then we burn our life to the

fucking ground.

Yeah.

And then the same thing repeats in three or five or six months or 10 years, right?

Well, we're not actually none of us are aware of what the fuck's going on, you know,

teenage, these 100% think even if we've come out of a decent home, I think a bit of therapy

could help because again, it's like, what do you think that way because your parents

thought that way?

Right.

We replicate, we either do two things.

We try and do the complete opposite of our parents did or we replicate the exact same

where the truth be known, it's always somewhere in the middle, some even in the most dysfunctional

families, some of the things our parents would have done would have been something to learn

from, right?

But a lot of the things that they did probably not disregarded, but about going there and

with a therapist and being able to, that isn't your sister, it isn't your best friend,

it isn't your uncle, right?

Somebody that you're not going to see the birthday party, somebody that doesn't really

care what happens in your life and I know that sounds really horrible, someone said to

me the other day in therapy and they said, I'll just need you to tell me, should I stay

with her or should I get rid of her?

Right.

And my answer was, I'll let your friends and family do that without, I'm just, we're

just going to talk about this so you can make up a decision that sits right with you.

Right.

So weren't you getting therapy?

Again, I'm a therapist so it could be looked towards if I'm trying to, you know, line

pocket, but I think we should be in therapy.

There was always a medicine man or a medicine woman or a shamaness or a shaman.

There was always someone in the tribe that we went to that didn't just give us medicine,

right?

There was always somebody that we went to that was an our sister, our brother, our mother,

our uncle, whatever, where we went to that sort of was on the fringe a little bit that

we went to regularly and we discussed our problems with and we got answers and that person really

didn't care.

Like my thing in, I can never choose sides in therapy, I even if, even if someone's really

rubbing me up the wrong way, even if he's arrogant and he's, you know, I can, in that room,

I can never choose sides because my job is, my client is the relationship when it's two

people in the room.

But to answer your question without beating around it is, I think, especially if you're

starting to have the same problem repeat, right, because not many of us is going to choose

to start going on a therapy for the fun of that.

But if you're repeating the same problem, you know, and this is, talk about it to you,

oh, fuck, it's me, I'm working on something at the moment where this sort of like people

making a business out of narcissistic recovery coaching is something that I'm having to work

on inside of me at the moment because I really, and I think it triggers me because I was

a victim for so long, I almost pretty, I wrote it in my book pretty early on.

I think that, you know, we would retreat back to, when things got bad in the home, we

would retreat back to my mum's family's house.

And I would get pretty spoiled there.

And I didn't know what was going on, I was only 4, 5, 6, 7, whatever.

So really the worst story was, the worst event in the home had gone on.

The more love and treats and so would be like, oh, I wish mum would leave your dad for

good and then it would be, you know, oh, why don't we go down the park and get a nice

cream.

Right.

And I almost learned, I was programmed that the worst my story was, the more love I got.

And that was really, and then sort of getting to relationships with other people and we'd

have an argument and it would almost be, you just a fucking victim.

And that'd be saying, you're the fucking victim, so it was almost like the victim trying

out victim the other because we weren't getting, we weren't getting the love language that

we were used to, right?

Yeah.

And I see this online a lot like, I don't know if it's just my algorithm, but every second

person on TikTok and more Instagram is trying to make a business out of being, you know,

talking about, I give you a bar, where he's the deal with a narcissistic wife or it's

almost like we're making a business out of being a victim and having no idea what we're

doing.

Like go and get some therapy guys like, you know, like my thing is, what do we choose

those parts?

Why does our last five people be narcissistic?

What is it about us?

I mean, you know what we'll say, I'm just an empath, it's not my fault, all shit, sorry,

but empaths just lack, lack necessary boundaries.

That's a simple answer to that and people will get offended, but if you see yourself as

an empath, that means that you take on other people's energy, right?

The narcissist doesn't seek you out consciously, right?

They don't, I believe, 2% of the population are psychopaths, that's a proven fact.

But for how many people seem to think that they've been in with a narcissist, then it's

almost 90% of people that I see and read online, that they feel like their ex partner

was a narcissist.

Yeah.

It's like we need to learn necessary boundaries so that there's early warning signs of

a narcissist, the way the person treats a waitress, the way the person drives their car,

the way they treat their mother, the way they treat other people, the way they treat dogs,

the way they talk about a previous partner.

Number one, if you meet somebody and they treat, they talk badly about an ex partner,

don't fucking leave the date, say hey, I've just got to go to the toilet and actually leave.

You don't know how many think.

If they have in process their animosity and the way they speak about their partner, then

get the fuck out of there, like it's not going to change, you're going to be that pretty

soon.

Right.

If someone's listening and they feel overwhelmed right now, what's step one?

Step one, ring a therapist, try and book in, step two, I'm sure in your country you've

got things like, you know, we have here beyond blue, lifeline, the black dog, they're all

free, you can just call them at any time and there'll be someone on the end of it.

If you're really, if anything that's come up today where you actually really trigger,

you need to reach out to somebody, a professional like right now, don't let that manifest because

this could be, I'm not saying it is already a trigger, and I can be pretty direct, but

I think that's also my skill because I get a lot of people that have had cheerleaders

of therapists and wasted a lot of money and got nowhere.

So for anyone that's triggered, as much as it feels like collapse, there is really a

part of gold at the end of this rainbow, it feels like collapse is actually, when a caterpillar

goes into it, just try and remember this, anyone, if anyone out there is a trigger, try

and imagine this, the caterpillar has no idea what's going to happen to it when it goes

into the cocoon, it has no idea, it's at, and if you look at the scientific fact, it breaks

down into nothing, it breaks down into a black, oozy liquid, and then it reforms into what

we call a butterfly, but then for a long period of time, it has to flap its wings against

the cocoon to get strong enough to get out, and then when it comes out of that cocoon,

it flies away, right? That's what you're going to have to go through.

So if you've been triggered, unfortunately, you're probably going into the cocoon or

into the cocoon, and there is no unlike a butterfly, I don't think there is one cocoon

that we go through, I think there's multiple, but the number, you know, ring somebody you

know that is, you know, not going to invite you around to have a couple of wines to process

away your triggered, ring somebody that's close in your life, maybe somebody that's a little

bit once removed, not your sister, not your mother, if that's all you've got, ring them,

but don't sit in that feel you've been triggered, you know, but also I want you to talk, but

what I want you to talk about is not how much chance pissed you off from being triggered,

more about what is it in me that's feeling triggered, because anything, we live in a world

where it's almost like we wake up, and I think we almost don't consciously choose to

look for things that make us feel righteous and make us feel triggered in the world, right?

Whether it's Trump, whether it's Epstein, and all these things have valid points, right?

So we're always going to be triggered, but the problem is, and this sounds pretty harsh,

but whenever I'm triggered, the problem always comes back to me, and you said triggered,

you didn't say, you know, if someone's in an unsafe environment with an abusive partner,

we've got a different, we've got a completely different story here for anybody, so if you're still,

if you're in an abusive relationship with an racist person, right, and unsafe,

the number one thing you need to do is if this has stemmed that up in you, you need to get out,

right, you need to get out, like you need, where's the best place to be when the punch is thrown,

not there, not in front of it, right? And whatever you can do, rather than blaming the person for

punching you, the number one thing you have to do is get yourself to safety, right? And what's the

one boundary that people need to set immediately? This episode is brought to you by Peloton.

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Oh, relationship boundary or just boundary in general, I suppose we're talking relationships,

yeah? To me would be, or physical violence is the number one boundary. I think, you know, like that's

a far-fetched one, but that, you know, if a woman or a man lashes out in anger, you talked about

emotional, you know, emotional safety, I guess. If that person even emotionally safe and isn't

controlled of their emotions, that's the number one boundary that I would say that can't be

crossed. If my partner lost her shit at me and, you know, pushed me or tried to put her hands

around my throat or either the same to her, I don't really think there's any excuse for that,

right? And, you know, it could be drug-induced, there could be, there's always, there's never a,

to me, there's never one answer to anything, right? As you can probably tell. But, you know, like,

if that's a, if that's a behaviour that is, looks like it could be common or even,

even if it's not common, even if it's once a year or, I don't know, it's hard to say.

To me, that's the number one boundary because you need to keep, we can, we can heal from

emotional abuse. Sometimes we don't get the chance to heal from physical abuse, right?

Right. You know, you're like, oh, go ahead. No, that's okay. I was just going to say one,

one woman, I'm going to use women because it's more lopsided. One woman a year,

and our population is way lower than you always way lower. One woman a year gets killed at the

hands of a partner or an ex-partner in Australia a week. Sorry, one woman per week, every year,

gets killed at the hands of their partner or ex-partner in Australia. Those statistics are

pretty fucking strong, right? So, so the number one thing, the boundary years, and I write in my

book at the end, I write a chapter that, you know, and the chapter virtually says sometimes,

it's not you. Yeah. Even though I've said, you know, it's you, oh, fuck, it's me. Sometimes,

it's not you, but what you do have, what is you, is staying in the relationship, okay? What is

you, is why am I staying? Right. So, really, healing isn't about becoming new. It's about becoming

safe inside your own body is really what it is. Now, you know, what, you know, Chad, when someone

actually does this work, what improves first? That's a hard thing to answer. Well, I think the

number one that improves first is the way they sit, the way they feel about themselves. You know,

say somebody has come to me and they've been in their abusive relationship, right? Yeah.

My job, my number one thing is to let them know, even though my book is written pretty,

pretty strongly, the number one thing is to let them know that it's not their fault what's

happening to them, right? Because I do, you know, like people who might be thinking, well, he's

not very empathetic as a therapist, but there is, there is, you know, there's an empathy,

but the thing is I've got to pretty quickly get them out of there, right? Because it's almost

like shit. Yeah, this is really bad, but you've got to get yourself out of there. Like you,

you have to take control of your, even though, because a lot of people want to go to therapy and

just complain about what's going on in their partner and they don't want any action.

So basically, oh, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, no. I was going to say what happens, like, you know,

when it comes to relationships, they develop the courage to change and really

and get out of those relationships and really move forward. It seems like. Yeah, and not choose

the same partner. Look, you know, a lot of people will have, we won't have five relationships

with three with five different people will have the same relationship with five different actors

or actresses, right? And then we'll keep blaming them for their leading role when we're choosing

the same actor or actress each time and then yeah, so you'll think getting out of there and then

keeping doing the work, right? Is, is the number one thing? So that we make different choices.

And what happens to their productivity? Well, if you're feeling good in your life, like,

if I work on a holistic approach, it's something is the sum of its parts.

If you're living in a wall or zone at home, your productivity is definitely not going to be what it

could be. You know, like everything, you know, the same way if we're putting crappy food in our

body or we're drinking a shit ton of caffeine and then needing to take a sleeping pill at night

to get to sleep or having the, you know, coffee to wine type thing, coffee during work hours and

wine after hours type thing. Yeah. So if we're, you know, like the better we can be inside ourselves,

the more productivity we're going to have like that book of mine, and I know we talked about this

a little bit before, but it was almost like it and I don't mean channeled from a higher being,

but it was like I was in the flow, I was on holidays, I was away from everything and that book came

to me from start to finish in four weeks. Right. You know, someone asked me the other day, how long did

you take you to write that book? And I said, well, 47 years, really, which is how old I am.

But as far as the typing and the talking and all that sort of stuff, it took me four weeks. So

talk about productivity. I just come out of a bit of depression myself if I'm 100% truthful.

The last probably 18 months, I went through a bit of it. I do suffer, as you can probably tell by

writing a book like this in the way, I've suffered depression and anxiety. And our goal is in

a drug addiction and things my whole life. And there is periods of time where that, that sort of

comes about. And it was, it was, there was a catalyst that set it off and there was almost like a,

you know, if I quickly, I won't go into it too long, but you know, I went through a separation

and then I went through the, the massive as we all do for both sides, her and me went through

the same thing. I didn't just go through it. She went through equal to the amount of, you know,

dividing up the money in the assets and then the solicitors get involved and all that sort of stuff.

She, she was a great woman and still is. She's a great mum. You know, she seems to be really

powering along, right? And that doesn't mean I was the problem. It means that together our energies

weren't right. And we both admitted that and we, we have very much respect for each other. So that

set off something, then I'd be able to have bought a block of land, build a house and come off

against, you know, what I would, again, I had a very unwell neighbor. Right. So I was building this

house and a lot of stuff was going on, you know, and then I moved into that house and it was unsafe,

right? It was unsafe for the kids and me and and I, but I didn't, there was a part of me that was

like, I built this brand new house. I don't want to leave. Right. I had to leave, right? The

universe was giving me the lesson I needed to learn to get the year to say this now.

And it was really hard and then I had to move out and I couldn't sell it because of

anyway. And it was a really tough time for me. Right. I had this brand new house.

Yeah.

There empty and I'm living in this shithole and pain ran because and a felt unfair, right? It did fit,

so there was a level of depression there. My productivity was low. What was, it was stressful.

You know, and he smashed the windows, he shot the windows out with a gun after I'd moved out like a

real, but because I couldn't prove anything. So do you feel that when people apply this,

you know, when they apply Epsychotherapy and the methods and the things that you've been talking

about, do they feel calmer or more powerful? Both. Both. Even in that story, I just told you then,

I have deep compassion for that man, whatever's going on for that poor guy to be behaving that way.

Yeah. I don't carry any resentment anymore. I did and I worked through it, but that that was

part of what made me feel sick because I was carrying resentment. I was almost, the Buddha says,

you know, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Yeah. So of course, yeah, we feel calmer. I think we feel more alive. We feel more connected.

Yes. Now, what are some of the, some of the services and, you know, where people can find your

book that you provide? So my book, probably the easiest place to find my book is on Amazon.

It's in America. It's paperback ebook and a hard cover. I've also got a podcast which has

the same name as the book. It's you. Oh, fuck, it's me in session with a psychotherapist. Then one

day we might have, I'd love to have Stacy on there for a quick chat. Anyone out there that

has liked what you've heard today. And then on Instagram and TikTok, I'm not, I don't, if I'm

truthful, I'd love you. I'd love to get enough support where I can just wipe social media or

be rich enough to pay someone because I, I really do struggle with the hustle of social media,

but you can find me at chatayla.it's you on both TikTok and Instagram.

Now, I think it, so tell us your website. So everybody knows your website again.

So my website's chatayla psychotherapy.com.au.

Okay. And what are some of the main platforms? Are you, you mentioned that,

are you on any main platforms that you post? Yeah, yeah. I'm on TikTok and Instagram. I'm just

building myself up because I, yeah, I, I, um, I probably did it the wrong way. I just,

the book came out and then I published it and then I thought, oh, wow, I probably need to, uh,

start doing social media. So from what I can gather a lot of people do it the other way. So,

yeah, chatayla.it's you on Instagram and chatayla.it's you on TikTok.

And if anybody really wants my book and can't afford it, like and don't, don't just take the

piece of people out there. But if you really need, you really think this book will make change in

your life. Just email me directly and I'll send you a PDF copy for free. Like, um,

it's part of this is me just helping people more than, you know, I'm, I'm far from rich,

but I'm comfortable, right? So this was never an adventure. This was never to make money.

I love it. I love it. Now, if someone is listening and they feel overwhelmed,

disconnected, they, you know, like they're, you know, barely holding it together, you know,

what you, you know, what would you tell them in one sentence?

Breathe. Get someone around you that knows you well that can spend some time with you.

Don't distract it. We've drugged an alcohol. And number one thing is realize it'll pass.

No matter how you're feeling, it'll pass. I love that. I love that. Well, you know, Chad,

this has been amazing. I'd love to have you back on the show. You are just some, you know,

your, your whole philosophy is, is wonderful. I, I am a true believer. It's psychotherapy. I feel

it's very effective. Um, you know, really deep, you know, goes deep down into the root cause of

what's causing the issues that people are dealing with that they're having trouble with. And

instead of getting stuck in life or instead of being unhappy and instead of just, you know,

not living life to your full potential, you know, something as simple as psychotherapy can turn

a person's life around. So I'm so glad you came on the show to, you know, teach people some

methods. And especially in today's world where anxiety and overwhelm, you know, really, um,

you know, is a prevalent, you know, issue that many people struggle with on a day to day basis.

So I'm so glad that you came to, to share your knowledge and your wisdom. And I'm so glad you

wrote the book and that you're, you're doing this to help people cause I, I really believe in what

you do. And I think you're a wonderful individual. And I'd love to have you back. And thank you so

much once again for being on the show. It's been so great to be on here, you know, and the benefit

of doing this is as regardless of who is watching, I get to have an amazing connection and conversation

with any human being. So it's been so great to, to share this hour with you, Stacey.

I love it. I love it. Well, you have a great day, Chad. And thank you so much.

Thank you.