How to Break Free from Perfectionism, Fear & People Pleasing with Stacey Vanthuyne

What would I do today if I wasn't afraid of being seen in the process of trying?

When you think about every hurdle, it really comes down to,

what are they going to say about us?

What if I expose my real authentic self?

How much am I going to be judged?

Will I be liked?

Will I not be liked?

So I think that holds a lot of people back from truly showing up

and it's crushing their entire gifts that they were given.

Yeah, and I think it even goes into a state of,

well, with this align with my brand.

I'm used to having my brand polished.

And so we know that the only way to do something new

is not to be afraid to risk being seen, you know, failing.

So to speak, or not getting it right the first time,

it is tricky to balance.

And I think that that's where we just have to normalize this place of

not always knowing and being okay with it.

And just like trusting that even if it's messy,

it's supposed to be that way.

For me, it's just control.

Welcome back to Aligned in Alive.

A few years ago, I attended Arash Masugi's world-class wealth event,

a room full of high performers, entrepreneurs and leaders

who take growth very seriously.

And today's guest was someone I was instantly drawn to at that event

because there was a magnetic presence about her.

I cannot wait to share her.

She is a leadership and mindset coach dedicated to helping

individuals unlock their full potential

and achieve meaningful growth in all aspects of their lives.

So as you can imagine, I am looking forward to this conversation

as we share a very similar passion.

She is also the host of exposed living, be ageless.

If you are ready to rewrite the rules and live limitless,

then you are in the right place.

Fresh off the plane from Canada,

please welcome the lovely Stacy Van Thun.

I'm so grateful you made it.

I'm so grateful.

Seriously.

Can we tell the audience right now what just happened?

She literally just got off the plane,

rushed over here in an Uber,

gets herself together in like under five minutes and here she is.

Like, talk about world-class.

Oh, well, thank you.

I don't know about that, but...

We'll come back a little bit down up at a later time.

No, you make it easy.

It's like, come to this place, be here.

My biggest decision today was, should I take an Uber or a Waymo?

Because we don't have them.

Okay, definitely an Uber because I've been in Waymos

and things are breaking down.

Okay, great, my sister, if she heard that question,

she'd freak out, like, take the Uber.

She's always sending me videos on Waymo.

So you got here safely.

It sounds, that's all that matters.

So I'm gonna get rid of these cue cards

rather than just the last rapid fire round I have for you.

That's it, because we are on very limited time

because Stacey just got off the plane

and she has other areas she has to go to.

So we'll do a second round of this.

But for the sake of really just maximizing our time together.

For sure.

We went back and forth on what can we give the listeners?

Like, what's the best value?

And we, you know, we're in a similar space

and so we're like, do we talk identity, standards, environment?

And she said it so perfectly.

And you said, I said, I think everybody knows what to do.

And so we wanted to be authentic and give you something else

not just a bit typical, another podcast about mindset,

but really asking yourself a question of,

what would I do today if I wasn't afraid of being seen

in the process of trying?

And she was like, how about it, that's us?

It is it because when you think about every hurdle,

at least when I really reflect on my own life,

clients, friends that we have the similar, you know, journey,

it really comes down to what are they going to say about us?

Yeah, you know, what if I expose my real authentic self?

How much am I going to be judged?

Will I be liked?

Will I not be liked?

Well, I mean, so I think that holds a lot of people

back from truly showing up.

And it's crushing their entire gifts that they were given.

Yeah, and I think it even goes into a state of,

well, with this align with my brand.

Like I'm used to having my brand polished.

People are used to me coming out this way.

And so we know that the only way to do something new

is not to be afraid to risk being seen, you know, failing.

So to speak and not getting it right the first time,

be it them, we're like, but it's not that perfect mode

that we are used to doing.

And so at least as a my story, I get caught in this like,

well, do I put it out there?

Do I just do it now?

You know, you're saying, what are those things you need to do?

Well, you need to do it now.

You need to act before you're ready.

You need to like stretch your, I don't give a damn muscle.

But then there's sometimes, I think for myself anyways,

where I'm afraid in that trying,

it won't live up to this brand

and you're trying to exploit where you want to go next.

So it is tricky to balance.

And I think that that's where we just have to normalize

this place of not always knowing and being okay with it.

And just like trusting that even if it's messy,

it's supposed to be that way.

And that you're, you know, the outcome that you want

will happen.

For me, it's just control.

Yeah, right?

For most people, I think it's control.

And I also think at least what you just said,

you spoke on brand and that's a word

that's been thrown around so much over the last couple years.

And everyone's talking about it.

Your personal brand is brand and it's like,

we're human beings, right?

And so can we, I'm kind of over the word brand, you know,

we're human beings.

And I just feel like just showing up as our authentic selves

and whether it is, maybe mix it up,

maybe sometimes it is polished and it looks great.

And that's wonderful.

And maybe times it's just, you know, you're not,

you know, you're without sans makeup

and your hair done perfectly

and you're in a pair of sweats and tennis shoes

and really showing what it's like to hustle and travel

to get here to be at a coaching session later this week

and just sit on a podcast and that's real life stuff.

And I think we're finding that more and more people

are really sick and tired of perfection.

It's like, we want to see what really goes on,

what it really takes to get to where

that next level of growth really is.

All of it, you know, it's interesting when you see authentic

because I remember people saying, you know,

just be your authentic you.

I was like, well, who the hell is she?

I've worn so many different masks right now.

I'm a mom, I was in corporate.

I was an athlete, all these different things.

And so even uncovering like, who is your authentic self?

Like, who am I?

I think to your point, I'm all of those things.

So I love it that we can show up,

messy in our sweats, then polished.

And I think that that versatility is what is needed more.

And you know, you and I were talking about

before we started that I'm a mom of the 17 and a 14 year old.

And my daughters are going through this challenge

where they are on the screen.

And so they only see perfection.

They only see the end product.

And I don't believe because of that,

that they are able sometimes to develop the grit

that's required to get to that end state.

So it's almost like they get stuck in this afraid to go,

they'll want something, but they don't want to fail.

You know, I talk a lot with Gen X women and men.

We look at them and go like, I don't understand

why they just can't do it.

And then if we really reflect in words,

like there's no difference between them and us.

Right.

And so when I heard that question of like,

what would I do today if I wasn't afraid

to be seen in the trying?

It just hits so much, like I literally had to put on my phone.

I'm like, Stacy, don't be afraid to be seen in the trying.

That's what everybody wants.

You know, you and I were talking about

what are those kind of three step things?

And we could share it.

But all you have to do is read a book.

All you have to do is look and up, chat GPT.

But that's not enough.

You have to have that courage to do it.

And for me, that courage is coming with increasing the belief

in myself and in my faith that everything is working out

for a reason and that that messy part

or even if what if people say something

that that's just part of the journey

that I've got to learn to embrace.

Yes, I love that you brought up courage.

I speak a lot on having a mustard seed of courage.

Like it's just a mustard seed.

If you can just have the littlest, tiniest,

you know, mustard seed of courage to press record

and say whatever you need to say to help inspire somebody

for the day, you know, if that's the spacer in

or maybe it's extending, you know, a hand to somebody

that, you know, keeps saying, I don't need help,

I don't need help, but you really want to be there for them.

Whatever that looks like, right?

There's just those barriers that I believe

that are self-imposed, that we are prohibiting ourselves

from truly connecting with so many people

that want to have human connection right now.

You posted an Instagram story last week

and I believe it was you were outside

who was snowing something and you were like,

my hair is not ready, I don't know.

And then you get on and you just riff away

and I don't recall exactly what the message was.

All I know is that it brought such a smile to my face

and you were so inflow in that message.

And it was, yeah, Stacy came in from like outside

freezing cold, like Jesus in her coat, you know,

and she's like, I just gotta tell you this.

And it was so impactful.

And it's in those moments that could you imagine

not impacting someone for the day,

even if it's just one person because you didn't show up.

So we really need to stop overthinking the process

and just show up.

And like I always like to say, just tune out the noise.

Not that nice, it's so important.

You know, I think for me, we talk a lot about courage

and I love that.

For me, the biggest change or one of the most impactful thing

was recognizing that the vulnerability

that comes with courage, because as a high performer,

I was just going through the motions

and I would pride myself on being courageous.

And as far as not reflecting back of like what had happened,

just always moving forward and picking up and being okay,

whether it was getting over my divorce,

moving on with the new relationship,

something going on with the kids, the house,

whatever the case may be throughout life, losing friends.

It was always about just being strong and moving forward.

And so when someone would say you're courageous,

I'd be like, yeah, I'm courageous.

But one thing that I wasn't, because you said mention

for help was someone that was willing to ask for help.

And it came, like I never realized how much courage

it takes to ask for help,

because you have to let down that vulnerable side

of like I do believe I'm going to be okay, but I need help.

And I'm finding that even right now with raising teenagers,

I've been a single mom for the last 10 years

and I've been had to ask for help.

And in the last year, there's been some challenges

with my oldest that we're working through things.

And I've really had to lean on people for help,

because I don't have all the answers.

And I knew that where we were going

isn't somewhere we want to be.

And so it's interesting to me how important

being vulnerable in creating that courage is,

because I think a lot of us, again,

it goes back, we're just scared of not being seen

in a perception that we want to be seen in.

But everybody is there.

And the more we can like humanize that,

I think is really where the true connection comes into play.

I couldn't agree with you more on all of that.

I think what comes up for me as I'm listening to you

is what was you say to somebody who has opened up

and become vulnerable and exposed their deepest darkest?

And that was used against them later on,

or you know, really not hailed in an integrity way.

So how does someone move past that

and begin to trust again and feel safe enough

to explore the possibility of being vulnerable again

with another human?

Because that is the quickest way to connection,

I agree with you.

Yeah, and I think that this is why

so many relationships fail, right?

Because they're those emotional connections.

We remember that hurt so vividly.

And I think that this is one again

where you really have to flex.

That I don't give a damn muscle and go within.

So much so.

And I think that yes, we're humans

and yes, we need personal connection.

But the person we need to feel most connected with is ourselves.

So if we're still worrying about what had happened

or how they made us feel,

we don't have our power back yet.

Right.

And I know it's easier said than done,

but it is really that truth of,

you know, I was listening to Neville Goddard

I was sharing before and he said,

it's not even about attracting.

It's about reflecting.

So if we're finding that we're getting this type of feedback back,

like where is that showing up in other aspects of our lives?

And what parts do we need to heal?

And I'm on the verge of this like healing.

Do we really have to heal or do we just have to decide

that it no longer works for us and let it go?

Eliminate that and come out again

as the person that we want to be regardless

if that's our current circumstance at all and live into that.

I think it's twofold.

Yeah, I think it can go either way.

Like people get so stuck in the healing process.

I've seen it.

You know, being in that space for the longest time,

I spoke to this on an episode I just did

where last year a situation unfolded for me.

It was a gift, an incredible gift from God.

And it allowed me to really sharpen my vision

and see things clearly for the first time in my entire life.

And I began to realize just how much the healing community

keeps a lot of people, not everyone,

a lot of people in looping and stuck cycles.

And so I agree with you.

I think the healing part of it, in a sense,

is an way for avoidance for many people

to keep I'm healing right now.

I'm on my healing journey to your point.

Sometimes you just make a decision and you realize

maybe it's an environment problem.

Maybe you need to audit my environment more closely

and just make that decision and stand firm in it

and set a boundary in a higher standard.

So I start showing up differently.

So yeah, I think that the healing component

is way over inflated in many ways.

You know, and then you had asked,

like, what do you need to do to trust again?

I mean, things like that, right?

And who are you around?

Are they looking for, you know, what was the good

in that area that helps so you can heal quicker

to take what you need from it and leave behind?

Or are you literally getting stuck in that dopamine rush

of victimhood?

Like, are you more addicted to the victim

or what it is that you want to create, right?

And I think that at least for me one thing,

actually a rash said at one time to me.

As he said to me, Stacy, you say you made a decision,

but 70% in is still 100% out.

And I was like,

because I think that that's where it is is,

are you 100% committed to creating something new

or do you say that to yourself?

But then when you feel resistance,

go back to, oh, must be because I'm not healed.

Must be because I still need more learning.

No, it's because that's that nudge

that's showing you that's just not familiar yet.

So lean into that.

And, but how do we do that?

Again, goes back to having that courage,

having that vision of what you want to be

and committing to it.

At a level that you've never,

maybe even in the past who committed to,

or you may be scared,

but this is where that desire for that new love has to become

like your magnificent love story of the, as they said.

And I would laugh because I'd be like,

I don't know if you looked at my relationship past,

but like I'm a little afraid of making my goal

my magnificent love story because of that shit ass lock

and so on.

This is your new identity, so it doesn't matter.

Well, actually what I realized is the reason

it hasn't been terrible lock.

It has been me progressing into the woman that I need

to reflect and attract the person

that is really gonna be complimentary to creating more.

Yeah.

And so I don't look at it as they've been terrible

those relationships, they've been wonderful.

Like you said, they're gifts.

And through those gifts we get to create more.

But it's breaking away from like for me,

some of the beliefs I've had that I live to check box life.

Right? I mean, I grew up in small towns that scatch one

was important to go get my university degree,

get your university degree, go get a job.

Even for me, I didn't get married until I was 31.

Now my first child till I was 32 and 37, 33 and 37.

And so even I remember my parents were like,

what's wrong with you?

And I thought that was like really fantastic,

because I did get to explore and appreciate my own life to there.

But when I reflect back now,

I mean, I'm here at 37, I was divorced of 40.

And so I did do that because again,

it was another check mark.

And it was interesting to me because then we got into mindset,

kind of come to this realization of, oh my goodness,

am I still doing things for check marks?

Like when am I gonna be enough for me?

When am I gonna be happy with what I've created

and not feel like it's for anyone else other than me?

And I wrestle with that sometimes,

especially as I turned 50 this year

and I set some big goals with do my Iron Man

and then going to Thailand.

And this is kind of where it came back

to this piece of resilience is that there was this aspect

that I was starting to collect things of, yeah, you did this.

Yeah, you left corporate.

Hey, start my entrepreneur.

Hey, are these milestone things?

But am I really in the flow and like appreciating it

for like the growth and the impact it's creating

or is it something for check marks

and it's something I had to ask myself.

I think I was in the middle, truthfully,

but I think there's something like to be said

about really enjoying that journey

and being fulfilled with who you are,

where you're at with what you have

and then always wanting to push on to be more

but knowing that like seriously,

the phrase I love the most is like,

I'm so happy and grateful now

that I realize my spiritual DNA is perfect, right?

It is all knowing, never powerful.

And it is the real me and never present.

And it is important for me this year

to go deeper into my belief and in my faith

because if I truly believe some of the things

that I'm saying, then it's okay, whatever happens,

I am strong enough to get through it.

Vulnerable will be creative enough to learn

and through that and the impact

that we're creating with people and sharing this.

That's the impact we're meant to make, I believe.

You just went to a different place.

It was so beautiful to watch.

Like you were so present in that entire delivery.

And that's exactly, I believe,

what this whole process is about.

It's not controlling, not, you know,

staying so future-paced or staying in the past

and living in anxiety or all these fear-based thinking

aspects that we create for ourselves sometimes.

And it's really sinking into the present moment.

And like to me, that's where the point of power really is

is in the present moment.

That's where they say it's a gift.

The present is a gift, it's the only experience

we have right now is the present moment.

And so when you can really feel into that,

it is so powerful.

And being able to utilize that into that next step

of where your vision is, right?

Where you want that to unfold.

So I love that you shared that.

And I know that we're kind of getting down

to the nitty-gritty here, but I do.

I would love for you to wrap up the question

we started with, which was, if I wasn't afraid of being

and seen in the process of trying what we're doing next,

well, it's interesting.

I just want to keep doing more bolder, braver things.

Can we know more collaborations with people that I love?

Doing hard things.

Don't you believe doing hard things really

is the fast track to getting where you want to go?

Yes.

Like doing the hard is important.

Embracing that, like sometimes the easiest thing for some

might be the hardest for you, but like find what that is

and lean into it, you know, it was interesting.

I was sharing, and I know we're running out of time,

but I was sharing how I was in Thailand

late last year, helping women that had

come out of human and sex trafficking.

And one night we went down to the red light district.

And we had wrapped about 185 little packages of condoms.

We had like three condoms and then a paper for them

to leverage and call for help if they wanted to

and then another three.

And one of this may sound really silly,

but we, a hard at that moment, was going up to a stranger

that I didn't know and asking her if she wanted a condom.

Because I was instantly like, I don't want

to make her think that I assume she is or that, you know,

I'm judging her or all of these things,

but it was really around how I would feel, not necessarily her.

Well, I asked the first woman, like, kind of my kind,

I think, is what you like.

And she literally, like, for me, I was like, yeah, for you.

It's like, thank you for my friends.

And we're like, yes.

And to see that, like, I know it seems little

that I use this as an example of hard,

but we could have easily not reached out

that help, that hand for help, because we

were afraid of what she might think.

And when I saw her reaction and how grateful she was,

it's somebody cared about her enough

and then asked me to show all of her friends.

Like, I'll never be afraid to ask for another person

if they need support or help again.

And they think that maybe that's one of the strongest messages

is like, even if she would have said, no, so what, right?

We put herself out there.

And I think that that's one of the things of doing hard.

It doesn't have to be these huge, momentous things.

It can be as simple as you see somebody

and they look like they're struggling.

Just ask them for help.

I mean, we literally got rid of all those condoms

and I don't know how it was a little bit crazy.

I wanted to go back there every night.

But again, after I left there, I was like,

is this even making a difference?

But for that one person, it was.

And that's all it matters.

It's all that matters.

It's all matters.

One person, every day, imagine that ripple effect.

Yeah, thank you, Stacy, so much.

I'm going to wrap this up real quick

with a rapid fire round.

And I named it, raise it with Stacy.

All right, let's roll.

This is a plan her raise your results program

for her coaching.

All right, 20 rapid fire questions.

Are you ready?

And we have one minute.

So here we go.

Early riser or night thinker?

I'm an early riser.

Coffee or green tea?

Coffee.

One non-negotiable morning ritual.

Meditation.

Book that changed your trajectory.

Okay.

I'm going to say, pussy is an incredible book

by Regina Thomas Howard if you've never read it.

I could say signs of getting richer thinking

but that book pussy is an incredible read.

One belief you had to unlearn

that it was more important to place my parents and myself.

Hardest habit to break.

People lazy.

Hardest habit to build.

Doing the hard.

Solo reset or social reset?

Social.

What instantly drains your energy?

Negative people.

What instantly fuels your energy?

People like you.

A moment you felt most proud of yourself.

Moment like something was felt.

I said, you know, every sometimes

was crossing the finish line at my half-hour man.

A fear you've had to outgrow.

You have been seen in the trial and process.

One word your closest friend would use to describe you.

Ridiculous sometimes, but no.

I think that they would say, caring.

One word you aspire to embody more.

Bold.

If you weren't coaching, what would you be doing?

I'd be swimming with dolphins.

Beach, get away or mountain retreat.

Oh, I love them both.

I'm an amounting girl, but the heat calls my name,

so I got to go with beach.

Podcast or silence in the car?

Podcast.

A daily discipline, you're still refining.

Making sure that I'm always writing my goals

and my journaling, truthfully.

What does wealth mean to you now in one sentence?

Well, there's so much more than financial to me.

It is really that alignment being aligned and alive

with your mind, your body, and your soul.

For me, there's just so much with movement, mindset,

and that's it for me, moving my body and feeling one within.

Last question, five years from now, who are you?

An elevated version of myself, but my goal

is to live for three months on different places,

speaking around the world with you getting up on stages

with incredible people.

And most importantly, I want my girls.

It's very interesting.

I'm going to just drive for a second.

One time, Bob Proctor asked me, he said, what do you want?

And I instantly went into a story of talking about my girls.

And he said, that's a great want, but what about you?

And I honestly didn't know how to answer that.

Is I realized that I'd stop wanting greater

than I knew what to do?

And now that I've recognized that and realized

that that was where I was stuck is because I wasn't dreaming

bigger than what I knew how my imagination had stopped.

It's almost at your feet.

That now when you ask me where I want to be in five years,

I want to be in this place where I inspire not only myself,

but it is part of my daughters, because they are my why.

And so if I'm not inspiring the people I love the most,

then what's it for?

Amen.

Thank you so much for being here.

I appreciate you.

I love you.

I love you too.

To everyone listening, if something in this episode

challenged you or shifted your perspective,

please share it with someone who's

ready for their next level.

More on Stacey, click the link in the show notes.