In Defense of Depressing Christmas

Hi, I’m back. It’s been odd, not writing to you weekly this fall, even as launching and serializing my novel have been huge, bucket-list items for me.

I’m looking forward to getting back into this weekly rhythm, even though it is CHRISTMAS and I am a MOM, so I’m also staring down a to-do list a mile long and my husband and I are having to engage quantum physics to coordinate logistics for all our kids’ activities and, on top of all that I CAN’T FIND MY TRANSIT CARD!!?! (Seriously, where is it???)

I am a Christmas-lover, I want to decorate and party and wrap gifts while drinking a festive cocktail under the glow of my Christmas tree. I want to embrace the coziness and make magical memories and pass on traditions to my kids. AND YET, life is continuing to life.

I think of this as the Hallmark Christmas problem:

Complicated Family Relationships + Sky-High Expectations + “Mandatory” Traditions + Added Expenses + The Same 24 Hours in a Day = Guaranteed Disappointment

Nobody in a Hallmark movie ever has to deal with their packages getting delivered to the wrong house or a hormonal tween who suddenly HATES decorating the Christmas tree and thinks it is SO CRINGE, MOM!!!

(No shade to those of you who love these movies—I know plenty of people who like them because they are unrealistic.)

But even apart from all the stresses of this time of year, part of me wonders if it’s even right to celebrate when there are so many awful things going on in the world.

I mean, we have our share of tragedies: ICE raids, Trump chaos, Gazans living in flooded refugee camps…I could go on! Here in western Washington, many folks are suffering huge losses from ongoing floods.

Are we just supposed to pretend the bad stuff isn’t happening? Sometimes it feels like a single negative emotion wanders through your brain in December you are FAILING AT CHRISTMAS.

This is where the picture-perfect fantasy Christmas falls short: life isn’t beautiful because it’s flawless, it’s the flaws that make us appreciate the beauty. Is it disappointing that my kid refused to participate in tree decorating? Sure. And also, I wouldn’t trade my sarcastic, cantankerous tween for any wide-eyed Hallmark tyke.

So, instead of micromanaging Christmas magic, this year I’m going to try:

* Setting my expectations lower: no, however low you’re thinking, lower than that.

* Not running from negativity: embrace the parts of Christmas that just suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m looking at you, 8-hour drive on I-90.

* Prioritizing: pick a few things that matter most to you and your family over being pressured to adhere to “traditions.” And yes, this will cause drama. Stay strong!

Am I arguing for Depressing Christmas? Not exactly. Instead, I propose a holiday season that holds space for the “and-ness,” of life as I like to call it: life is beautiful and horrible, funny and sad; it’s absurd and it makes sense. I wrote about experiencing this and-ness watching the sunrise the morning after my brother died.

Interestingly enough, the OG Christmas story has plenty of darkness: accusations of infidelity, difficult travels, and, oh yeah, a massacre of babies. It’s a far cry from the sanitized version that’s so often printed on Christmas cards.

Or, to put it in less religious terms: sometimes I think we get so focused on the candles and Christmas lights that we look past the (metaphorical and literal) darkness of this season. But ignoring the darkness doesn’t make our holidays brighter. Only embracing the duality of the season will do that: life is beautiful and hard. Christmas is magical and disappointing. People are hurting and still I can feel joy.

Wishing you all and beautiful, hard, real holiday season.

Questions: What holiday traditions would you like to let go of? What are you looking forward to? What are you grieving this holiday season? Also, WHERE IS MY TRANSIT CARD???

BONUS MATERIALS:

* in case you missed a chapter during the Manly Man of God inbox deluge, here’s the completed Table of Contents, with links to all the chapters!

* friend of the ‘stack, Jen Zug is hosting a Safe Space to Complain About Holiday Overwhelm! Join us!

* I’m typically a “classics only” Christmas music person, but this music video was too funny (and real!) to pass up

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