Noem Wrecker

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1:03New customer offer for first three months only then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra C mint mobile for details. Hey, love it or leave listeners. It's me the titular John love it here to tell you that I'm coming back to Washington DC for love to leave it live at the Lincoln theater on April 23rd. That's right spring in DC is all about cherry blossoms and love it or leave it bringing you a stack lineup of guests. That's what makes it America's number one late night gay live comedy political podcast. We're so excited to be back DC. It's a tradition now that we come around the time of the car response and even though the car is honest and are really no longer has comedians that believe there's going to be some kind of a magician or a mind mind melder. Yes, a magician. Yeah, I'm a mentalist. A mentalist because I guess Trump wouldn't go. It's also going. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's a mental case and then and Trump is also going. That's right. Tickets won't last long. They're so I'm pretty fast. So get yours now while you still can at crooked dot com slash events very excited for the DC show. Got some big guests. So pretty exciting. Maybe.

2:05Crooked dot com slash events. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to love it or leave it live from Dynasty typewriter. What a great show we have tonight. What a great crowd we have tonight. Good to see all of you. We've got a great show for you tonight. Nick Offerman is here. We want to vine troopers here. Together, we're going to cover it all. We're carving wood. We're exploring space. We're selling risque picks. All my New Year's resolutions in one show. And of course, we'll round up our show with some second thoughts. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

3:06Is that the consequences siren? Is someone facing consequences? I didn't even realize that that alarm still worked. It's been so long since we've heard it last time. We blew it. It was when we realized Joe Biden was old. Yes, on Thursday, Donald Trump broke the news that he had fired the Secretary of Homeland Security and person who's sorry, she doesn't have any. And person who's sorry, she doesn't have any cash for tip. Kristina. Kristina is out. Kristina is out. This came after a terrible week for Nome in which she struggled to defend herself in a series of brutal hearings in Congress. In comparison to other forays on Capitol Hill, I would say Nome's performance ranks somewhere between Pam Bondy and Ashley Babitt in terms of making it out alive. Democrat, yeah, it's a tough one.

4:06It's a tough one. It's a tough one. For sure. Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse pressed Nome on the $70 million luxury jet that DHS claimed was for deportation flights, but which Nome used to fly around the country. Did you explain this? Sir, I'm looking at a picture of an interior looks like a bedroom. Of an airplane? Yes, sir. What kind of deportee justifies being flown out of the country in a luxury jet with a bedroom and accommodations like this? Well, she made her bed. Now she has to lie about it. But who is she flying with? At any time during your tenure as Director of Department of Homeland Security, have you had sexual relations with Cory Lewandowski? Mr. Chairman, I am shocked that we're going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today.

5:09So Nome doesn't deny it, which makes it sound like that plane was being used to deport loads from Cory Lewandowski. Jesus Christ, howling, my mother listens to this. For his part, Lewandowski recently told reporters, I asked Nome to do a doggy style. She damn near, shot me. Get in a respect. We're coming in hot today. We're coming in hot. But in the end, the brutality of Minnesota, the poorly trained mass agents, the violations of dozens of court orders, the lies about Alex Prety being a domestic terrorist, the photo op in front of prisoners at a Salvadoran gulag, the mile high of fair. That's not what ultimately got her shit canned. When you list it all out, those pretty crazy she held it on. She held on as long as she did. She must have felt invincible. I bet she didn't even wear a seatbelt on that sex plane.

6:09Nome testified in the hearings that Trump had approved a $220 million ad campaign that promoted, most of all, Christy Nome. Here is a clip from that ad campaign. Why do I love these wide open spaces? They remind me of why our forefathers came here. Not just for its beauty, but for the freedom only America provides. I'm Christy Nome. Of course, $220 million may seem like a lot of money for these ads, but they did have to do a lot of takes because she kept forgetting her lines and shooting the horses. Trump was reportedly so incensed at Nome's claim that he approved the ad campaign that he started asking congressional Republicans whether he should fire her or give Israel her coordinates suggested Lindsey Graham. Before adding, I'm sorry, that's crazy. It was a crazy thing to say. I'm just so amped right now.

7:10Trump's announcement, which he posted to Truth Social, came while Christy Nome was speaking at a law enforcement conference in Nashville. Here's our gal at work. He reminded me of the quote that is often attributed to George Orwell that states people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. When it comes to Nome's run at DHS, All's Orwell that ends Orwell. Now, I do want to point out there's no actual evidence that Orwell said that. It's a made up quote, but that's fine because I think it's fitting. Nome leaves the stage as she entered an incompetent moron who constantly makes shit up. It offends me as a speechwriter that she's going to brainiequotes.com to pull fake fucking Orwell quotes or as Lincoln once said, don't let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you. It might have been Gandhi. I think that might have actually Gandhi. It's falsely attributed to Lincoln. It's a Gandhi quote. Ironically, Trump has said Nome will now become the very real sounding special envoy to the Shield of the Americas, a new security initiative for the Western Hemisphere.

8:18In other words, Nome was so bad at running the department of Homeland Security, she managed to get herself deported to Latin America. Trump said that he will nominate Oklahoma Senator Mark Wayne Mullin to replace her just to remind her Mullin is an election denier who once challenged the head of the teamsters to a fight during a Senate hearing. This is a time this is a place you want to run your mouth. We can be too consenting adults. We can finish it here. Okay, that's fine. Perfect. You want to do it now? I'd love to do it right now. We'll stain your butt up. Yeah. You stand your butt up. Oh, stop it. Say solution every problem. Sit down. Sit down. You know, you're a United States senator. Honestly, perfect. No notes. Love is passion. I think it's good for a DHS secretary to be somebody that gets in barfights without being drunk or anywhere near a bar. Also earlier this week, Mullin walked himself into a trap as to whether or not our country was currently in war.

9:24This is war and we're taking out the thread. We haven't declared war. They declared war on us, but we haven't declared it. They called it war. What I was saying is, okay, well, that was a misspoke, but I was saying that they declared war on us, but war is ugly. Okay, not a great communicator, but maybe he's amazing at having sex with Corey Lewandowski. Meanwhile, as Trump was making a few regime changes at home, he was also doing so abroad Friday night as Americans emerged from a Brandy Carlisle concert at the Kia Forum in Los Angeles. The U.S. and Israel had bombed Iran. The strikes killed Iran's Supreme Leader Ali Kamani, sure, and set off a conflict that spread across the region for those who aren't experts in the Iranian system. A Supreme Leader is just a normal leader, but they add tomatoes and sour cream.

10:25Thank you. At least Kamani died doing what he loved. Meeting with top advisors in a compound that was far less secure than he realized. Oil and gas prices have surged, stock markets have dropped, and the U.S. closed its embassies in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and Beirut amid retaliatory drone strikes. Federal officials have urged Americans across the region to get out as soon as possible, but with many airports closed and the government not offering assistance, it's not clear how they're supposed to do that. It's just too many people to do in our go. Officials have also suggested that if Americans are unable to flee, they consider making themselves useful by governing Iran. Trump later explained why there was so much of a scramble to alert Americans abroad. Why was there a plan? Why wasn't there a plan? Because we didn't make one, dumbass, next question.

11:29At least the administration's explanations for why they started this war have been contradictory and incomprehensible. Administration officials said they had reason to believe Iran was planning a preemptive strike, claiming that Pentagon officials denied the next day. That's how little they think of us. It's like someone texting you that they can't make it to your birthday because they're sick and out of town. And then you check Instagram and there they are bombing Iran. And they don't look sick at all. Also on Saturday, Trump announced that this was a regime change mission delivering this message to the Iranian opposition. When we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. America is backing you with overwhelming strength and devastating force. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future that is close within your reach. Yes, sir responded the leader of a brand new organization called Turbo Hezbollah. Continue, Trump. Again, this is just a message for Iran. Americans do not seize control of your destiny.

12:34Do not unleash the prosperous and glorious future. Maybe go to the movies, you people like movies. By Monday, the message had changed. Here's Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. This is not a so-called regime change war. But the regime sure did change. This is not a so-called gin and tonic for breakfast. But the breakfast does include a gin and tonic. Hegseth also offered this helpful clarification. No stupid rules of engagement, no nation-building quagmire, no democracy-building exercise, no politically correct wars. What is a politically correct war? Like if Kamala were present and we bombed Iran, what would be different to the bombs have pronouns? No plastic straws on the submarines? Is Hanna Gatsby in the situation room? You should be better at war than comedy. Alright. That's a stray. That's a stray. That's a stray.

13:35That's a stray. Wasn't a funny special. It's time you can face it now. Cut all this. I don't want that. I don't want it. I'll leave it in. No. Stop it. Even JD Van seems to have dispatched sources to tell reporters that he was personally opposed to the strikes after the New York Times reported, the advance had argued for the U.S. to go big and go fast if it were to attack Iran. Classic JD trying to have his cake and bomb it too. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, meanwhile, was back on the imminent threat beat on Monday. The imminent threat being that Iran was about to be attacked by Israel. We knew that there was going to be an Israeli action. We knew that that would precipitate an attack against American forces. And we knew that if we didn't preemptively go after them before they launched those attacks, we would suffer higher casualties. There absolutely wasn't imminent threat. And the imminent threat was that we knew that if Iran was attacked and we believed they would be attacked, that they would immediately come after us. And we were not going to sit there and absorb a blow before we responded.

14:41Pretty shocking thing to hear from the president of Venezuela. So... So there was an imminent threat to us because Israel was an imminent threat to Iran. Great day for conspiracy theorists trying to convince the world that Jews control everything. Less good for guys with the middle name Ira who struggled to digest dairy. It was also a strange comment from Rubio, especially after the chairman of the Joint Chiefs said that Israel had acted on U.S. intelligence. This was a daylight strike based on our trigger event conducted by the Israeli Defense Forces, enabled by the U.S. intelligence community. So good news. Israel didn't start the war. We started the war through Israel. Does that help? Is that better? We're Israel's puppet. But also Israel is our puppet. And whose hand is that? Oh God, it's Cori Lewandowski. Rubio ultimately walked this statement back, but the damage was done. So don't worry, they sent out the fixer Lindsey Graham to make clear that it doesn't even matter if the attack was imminent.

15:44Even though that's the justification for the president to act without Congress. And it doesn't have to be imminent to me because you don't want it to be imminent. Right. The whole idea is for it not to be imminent, dumbass. You want to prevent it from being imminent. Wow. Lindsey Graham, thank God you went through that time machine because that baby you killed would have grown up to be Hitler. That baby was who know? See, that one was your fault. And Wednesday, White House press secretary Caroline Levitt, no relation, offered a new explanation. The president had a feeling again based on fact that Iran was going to strike the United States was going to strike our assets in the region. And he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. The president had a feeling. America has gone to war for many reasons over our history, but this is the first time an administration has claimed to go to war

16:48because the vibes were off. Which is where we're at. We're at war without approval from Congress. We don't know why the war began, how long the conflict will last or how the administration defines success. Four Democrats joined with Republicans to block a war power resolution in the House, Pennsylvania Senator, and guy who tricked us with those hoodies, John Federman, John. The hoodies represent something, a kind of energy. Our culture is not your costume, John Federman. Federman joined with every Republican except Rand Paul to block a war power resolution in the Senate and shame on every one of them. Meanwhile, the administration has offered goals as varied as targeting the nuclear program we already obliterated to destroying the regime and preventing it from projecting power in the region, whatever that means. Something to have underestimated or failed to consider the downside risks, too. Here's Trump riffing about it. I guess the worst case would be we do this and then somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, right? That could happen.

17:55Yeah, man. But hey, by then it'll be a Democrats problem and by extension a Democrats fault. They can't even see the deaths of Americans as anything more than a political problem. This is what the fake news misses. We've taken control of Iran's airspace and waterways without boots on the ground. We control their fate. But when a few drones get through or tragic things happen, it's front page news. I get it. The press only wants to make the president look bad, but try for once to report the reality. Yeah, man, when Americans die in a war, it's front page news. Where do you think it goes? Arts and leisure, sports under the jumble. Also, who is this tone for? The journalists who think you're a moron, the maggot influencers who also think you're a moron, the generals who think you're a moron.

18:56Who are you trying to impress, Cory Lewandowski? Meanwhile, the war in Iran is allegedly costing the United States over a billion dollars every day. But it's worth it, no matter how much it costs U.S. taxpayers said Israel. A billion dollars at this rate over a year. You could cover the healthcare costs of over 20 million people with enough money left over to buy a new sex plane for Kristi Nome every single day. The next debate will be over funding this war. Political reports that the administration may ask Congress to approve $50 billion in emergency funding on top of the nearly $1 trillion Congress has already provided to the Pentagon. And while Chris Murphy said other than Federman, he didn't believe there would be other votes for it. A few other senators didn't rule it out. There were big contentious fights over funding the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan after those wars had begun. But those were both conflicts that Congress had already approved.

19:56This would mean, in this case, that the president can start a war without Congress without even explaining why we're at war really. And that lawlessness becomes leveraged to create pressure for Congress to fund the war as if it had been improved from the start. Why bother having a Congress at all? Just turn the Capitol into America's most beautiful spirit Halloween. Oh, look, it's the terrifying. No, that's Mitch McConnell. And I can see the arguments Trump is depleting resources we need to defend our interests outside of this conflict. And we don't want to be vulnerable to our adversaries. And this war has destabilized the region and created new threats. And while I didn't support Trump's decision to start the war, that doesn't change the current reality. But at each turn, it's like we have to relearn the lesson of having someone with Trump's nature in power. Yes, there are costs in trying to stop him. But inevitably, the cost of stopping Trump will be exceeded by the cost of enabling him. The only question is if we as a country will learn that lesson before or after, it's too late. Or never, we may just never crack it.

20:56One more story before we go. This week, a math teacher named Tom Chan was placed on indefinitely from San Francisco's Lowell High School. After it was discovered, he'd filled his math quizzes with problems that were very problematic. And I know what you're thinking, oh no, woke us back, you can't make a joke anymore, wait. Wait, on a Valentine's Day theme quiz, students were told the amount of money you spend on a date varies inversely to how much they weigh. A typical girl that weighs 120 pounds will cost you 55 dollars. And then the students were asked that on a date with Ashley, how much will it cost if she weighs 220 pounds? Some of the questions had nothing to do with math, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. One quiz asked, how tall are you and how much do you weigh? Another asked, when was the last time you gave candy to a fat kid? And finally, pick one, pretty or smart, and why? That one's actually a good question.

21:58I picked pretty because sure, smart got me to where I am today, but where I am today is on camera. As for the teacher, he was obviously removed from the classroom, but don't worry, he got a new job. Special envoy to the shield of the Americas. Alright, we've got a great show for you tonight, coming up next, it's Nick Offerman. Hey, don't go anywhere, there's more of Love It Or Leave It coming up. Love It Or Leave It is brought to you by Helix. How are you preparing for spring time? Are you upgrading your home with a Helix mattress? You should. You're doing a spring cleaning. Get rid of that piece of shit mattress you're sleeping on. Throughout the window. Out the window. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Helix makes buying a mattress easy. Take the Helix sleep quiz, and it will match you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Get free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix offers your mattress right to your door. With free shipping in the US, the happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk-free customer first experience. Designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. So you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges.

23:00Helix offers a 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. I love my Helix mattress. So comfortable this morning. I was so comfortable. I just decided to sleep right through the gym. Just slept right through it. I just said, you know what? You're a fault, Helix mattress. You know what? Not today. Not today, Peter. That's what I said. I said, I'm not going today. I'm not going to the gym this morning. I'm saying in this comfortable bed for an extra 45 minutes. And that's what I did. I like that mattress. I have a Don Lux. That's what's called. HelixSleep.com slash love it for 27% off site wide. That's HelixSleep.com slash love it for 27% off site wide. This offers the exclusive to love it or leave it listeners. Make sure you enter our show name and check out so they know. We sent you HelixSleep.com slash love it. Love it or leave it is brought to you by Cook Unity. Here we are in the winter. And boy, I like comfort foods in the winter. Things like meatloaf. Meatloaf. Quintessentially American food should be at every super bowl. Every super bowl. That's what I have every super bowl. Big old meatloaf. Meatloaf. I also like mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is great.

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26:02and pretty exciting, maybe. We'll announce those guests soon. And some incredible notes. Uh. Really cool people saying no to this one. Tickets on sale now. Grab them at crooked.com slash events. And please subscribe to Crooked's friend of the pod community. We have been putting out these new episodes called PODTAVE AMERICA. Only friends. They're really fun to do. It's a PODTAVE AMERICA that's just for subscribers. It's pretty loose. We run through the news. We share our real opinions. We have a bunch of other great stuff. Polar Coaster with Dan Pfeiffer, which people love, terminally online, our show about the rabbit holes were going down. So please subscribe. You get great stuff. You get ad free episodes. And it helps us build an independent media company. We need more of it. We need to get more content out there. That is the best way you can support what we're doing. So please, please, please subscribe. It really does help us, Crooked.com slash friends. All right.

27:02You can see my next guest on his upcoming woodworking comedy tour, but your hands saw us together. For Nick Offerman. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look at this. Ballads. Ballads. Ballads. This crowd is juiced. They're juiced up. Because they love you. Can I tell you something? I finished Death By Lightning last night. It is fucking awesome. Oh, thank you so much. I love you. You're so good in it. God, thank you. It's excellent. I was really blown away. The only criticism I have of it is like four episodes. What a tease. Yeah. What a tease with four episodes. Well, I mean, that's endemic of our business right now. It's the story of James Garfield. It was on Netflix. And his vice plays vice president, Chester Arthur. And there's no fucking way it should have been made.

28:05Like, no. It's so outside the algorithm, but this really smart guy in a Mike McCausky adapted it from Candice Mallards, wonderful book, and one guy at Netflix. It's the guy who greenlit the Queen's Gambit, which is the biggest hit they've ever had. So this guy has a golden ticket. And every once a year, he can greenlight something. And he was like, I like this weird James Garfield thing. It's the producers of Game of Thrones, Benny off and vice. Like, it's a fucking gorgeous show. It's awesome. It's funny. It's funny about that, too. It's like, if you're the guy that makes the chess show, that's a hit, they'll let you do it ever. You know, like, we're going to tell the guy that made Chesa hit that he's wrong. I'm not going to be the stupid person who does that. It's true. Satisfyingly, he did get fired then after that's by Lightning. And I think he's an Amazon now. Tough town. Tough business.

29:06Now, your six book is out now. It is about woodworking. It's called Little Wood Shucks. Offermin Wood Shops Guide to Tools and Tom Foolery. Did you notice that my hands are kind of supple and soft, but also wet? I did. I did. I mean, you have that. You have canlesses from the space bar. Yeah. The shift key. Yeah, your hand doesn't get worn from Pilates. You don't get the tough working man's hand from core stuff. My hands are also pretty soft. I've been working a lot more as an actor than a woodworker, but I still maintain my wood shop. But the beauty of this of my book is that you don't have to become a laborer. Like, you don't have to split all the firewood to heat your house all year. But if you learn to split firewood, or if you hammer a nail or get a saw and some boards and just build a porch or a doghouse,

30:08it's, I'm telling you, it is so much more empowering. And you will get so much more of a boner or lady boner or whatever sort of boner you get. So much more than any video game you can play, than any bullshit, any software can deliver you. It's creating your own world. It's curating your own physical life. I'm telling you, you will blow your load. I didn't know it was like that. I didn't know it was like that. I made stuff at camp, but I never, I was before I had loads. And the thing is, it's a gateway. Many people don't get into woodworking, but you go to the hardware store, and you see a workshop for like stained glass windows or welding or blacksmithing, or you can make so many things. You can become a maker of lasagna. Or maybe you don't build things.

31:08Maybe you become an architect and you design things. Orgasms are a thing you can make with your hands and be paid handsomely to do it. It does feel like you're fighting for something which is, whether it's video games or social media, you get a little hit over and over and over again. But you have to really commit to something like building or cooking or anything off the screen. And it does require more of an investment. But then there's more of a payoff. But you've got to convince people to make that investment. It's true, and all kidding aside, it is like a physical relationship. That's why there are so many in cells. There are so many people being isolated because it's much easier to like pleasure yourself. But now this is just, I've only read about this, but those who have crunched the numbers say that the returns are diminishing. Whereas if you put in the work and make yourself vulnerable

32:11to a stack of lumber or to a love-making partner, the payoff is a roof over your head or a child or, you know. And do you find that it's a beneficial thing for you to compare your loved one to lumber? And does that lead to the kind of love-making that you would like in your life? Look, I'm married to the goddess Megan Malali. Who, there are things that she does like rough. But those things are not in the bedroom. So like finishes, say on a countertop. She loves to sand walnut, yeah. She likes a coarse grit. Chester A. Arthur.

33:11So what? I feel like you're making these interesting choices. So death by lightning, it is about the story of what happens to James Garfield. But it's also about this battle between corruption and people who actually want to invest and believe in people. You made this other movie, Sovereign, which is about the, it's based on a real story, but it's about these so-called Sovereign citizens' communities. People that believe they're not beholden to our laws. And I feel like you're searching for something and the things you're doing about this moment. And I was thinking about Sovereign. And like there are these videos, these viral videos of, and you'll see them, it's somebody getting pulled over and saying, I don't have to give you my driver's license. I don't respond to your laws. I'm a sovereign citizen. And there's a sadness to it, because then these people end up in courts, they're under-prepared, and they're not, they're not, you know, the system comes down on them. But you kind of understand what they're fighting against. This feeling like you're kind of trapped in a kind of binding system that you didn't make.

34:13Yeah, it's interesting. It seems like I'm choosing these things, but strangely, they are organically the projects that are coming to me. And I'm very grateful for it, because this movie Sovereign, which nobody saw from last year, the filmmaker should win a fucking Oscar. It's so well-written and directed. His name's Christian Swaggle. But the thing is, I get it. If you watch the trailer, it's like a January 6th guy or a QAnon guy. And you're like, I don't want to fucking watch that. That's what's happening. Like, I want to watch, you know, Zendaya's tits. Like, you know, or chess. I want something about chess. Yeah. Or like maybe like a kind of intricate look at a president in the late 1800s during the late year of the age. But I'm so, like, my agent sent me this script. And it's simply, you hit the nail on the head.

35:14This movie humanizes this guy. And I thought it was so important. And I think it's so moving, because you see why good people who are just trying to find love or give love in their lives end up at January 6th or end up in these situations, where they feel betrayed by the country, by the system, where they're like, I need a way out. And these particular people are just as misguided as Fox News viewers, where they're just getting bad information. This guy, in fact, goes around giving seminars. And he makes money, is telling people, you don't have to pay attention to the Constitution federally or on the state level. Here's how you parse the language. And people are like, great, here's money. But then they get pulled over. And they're like, I don't, you know, and the cops are like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're going to jail, you know? You know, I'm not subject to the jurisdiction of the county police. He's like, I'm a bit for the hell you're not.

36:16Yeah. But this movie is so moving, despite my participation. This kid, Jacob Tremblay plays my son. He's gorgeous. He makes me cry my eyes out. I couldn't recommend it more. It doesn't look like a good time, but it's so powerfully moving. And also Dennis Quaid is in it. And he unfortunately is a crazy Trump guy with a gospel record. In a film in real life. In real life? Oh, wow, that's right. He's like exploded. Right after we finished the movie, he suddenly came out with a gospel country record and went on Tucker Carlson and fucking Hannity to like play his Trump gospel songs. And we were like, what? What? I mean, he said it's Quaid. He's a hero of my life. Like I've looked up to him. Yeah, he's great. He's a great actor. Wait, I thought his brother was the one that was the one.

37:17He was very crazy. And he went away, but Dennis like kept it under wraps until just last year. Yeah. Interesting. But he's now gone. He was just on Air Force One. He just was on a flight. It was a news story that he was the first person to know about Iran. What? Fucking Dennis Quaid. I was at the Brandy Carlow concert, missed the whole goddamn thing. Just me and a bunch of kind of in the Venn diagram between theater kids and lesbians. I mean, in a great way, chill out. Changing subjects. Did all your work with Wood prepare you to play a gay character on the last of us? Ah. I've never had it couched quite that way. No, I would say it prepared me to play a survivalist. But I don't know that anything prepared me

38:20to play that character more than the incredible script by Craig Mason. People responded so positively to that work. And that doesn't happen because I'm so cute. It's, I know, it's hard to believe. But that was the best script. Everyone knew, as soon as they read that script, they were like, holy shit, you've done it. That's cool. It made you cry. When you read it, you cried, you cried reading the script. You were like, oh my God, this is what it's all about. It made everybody say, I didn't know anyone who hadn't seen it. If you had seen it, when you talked about as people that hadn't seen it, you sounded crazy. You're like, God to watch the zombies on. You're gonna cry your hard times when moving. That was a beautiful thing for you. The mushroom is gonna knock you on your fucking ass. The zombies, they're in it. But it's cool. It's really sad, but also beautiful. It made, it was unbelievable. But I just want to hit Chester Arthur again real quick because bring us back.

39:20We keep coming back because the thing that's beautiful about this episode of history that no, I didn't know, and I love presidents in history. And I saw assassins, so I knew about Charlie Gato, but I didn't know the story of James Garfield who got selected entirely against his will, and nominated for the presidential nomination back when the Republicans were the good people. And elected completely against his will, this farmer from Ohio, and that part is so moving to see the people say we're sick of this corruption. We're sick of this kind of Trumpian government. Give us this James Taylor Rico, or give us this truth teller, fuck it. Like, and then Chester Arthur is one of the, one of the sort of main mafia OC, like in the, in the, the, the, the bad guys, the, I can't think of the, the stalwarts.

40:23These are the corrupts. This is a corrupt group of people that run out of New York and they're basically treat the government like a piggy bank. Yeah. But they have a lot of power and they control a lot of the federal income at that time. They control the harbor. They're the harbor masters and all the money comes in, all the import, they, they take all the cash. And so they buy all the offices. And so Chester Arthur gets, gets put in, installed as the vice president, as a, as a fuck you to Garfield. It's, it's the bad guys being like, okay, you're gonna put your boy scout in the presidency. We're gonna, we're gonna put Luca Brotzi in the vice presidency. And Chester Arthur had, he was a good guy who was, was corrupted by, by Roscoe Conkling, the guy running the stalwarts. And his, his conscience eventually Garfield and Garfield's wife, the, the, Lucretia, they, they say,

41:23there's a good man in there like you have the opportunity if you want to to step up to the plate and do some good. You're, you're the vice president. And ultimately, and then he, spoiler alert, he becomes the president. And there, there are influences that say, hey man, I know you've been a piece of shit here for a while, but you've known the president and you, you have the opportunity to step up to the plate and become a good man. We need you to do that. And he does. He becomes an incredible supporter of civil rights. And he, he turns it around and it's just, it's so moving to see a story like that in our White House. Yeah, well, it's just because Garfield, I didn't know much about Garfield either. And in part, you don't know much about him because his presidency is cut down. And you can't spoil history. That's how history, you can't spoil it. What happened and it happened in it. It's in the Wikipedia. Yeah. So, but, but he was someone who was clearly like, an extraordinary person. And like, like, had very forward looking beliefs

42:24and Chester Arthur wasn't, but he signs the legislation that Garfield had wanted, which is it is a story of someone kind of becoming a better version of himself, whether or not he was ever going to be as good. He only serves the one term. He's sort of a kind of a accidental president, but did become a better version of himself than he otherwise would have been. Absolutely. And if you haven't seen it, it's on Netflix, Mike Shannon, Matthew McFaddean is astonishing as the assassin Betty Gilpin. Awesome. Lucretia, it's Bradley Whitford, Shay Wiggum. And I am a successfully fat. I got, I look really fucking fat. Oh, did you have to, was that part of the role? Yeah, he's, he's real porky. So I had a fat suit, but I also gained 20 pounds. And if you ever have to do this, you get those, the period costumes are great because you get those paper collars and you get it a little too tight and then you create this cleavage underneath the chin.

43:26Yeah, you had that great kind of like 1890s bruiser thing, like you would fight like this. That's right. Your fists like that. And that was time for a game. You're a man who loves power tools as much as you love Tom Foulery, which is why we want to play a game. We're calling, would you rather? Sweet graphic. Here's how it works. We all don't have a, we don't have a, Benny off, you know, this is a podcast. Right. You don't have that Westeros money. No, we don't have Westeros money. All right, here's how it works. I'm gonna name a power tool and a person. You'll tell us if you'd let them use it. First up, a stationary powermatic planer operated by your Margot's got money, Troublescoast our alphanning. Ooh, I mean, a stationary powermatic planer is pretty easy and idiot proof. So, I mean, Elle, I would trust to like fly an airplane.

44:29She is just a super heroic person and incredibly capable. And she also has great common sense. So that's a no-brainer, absolutely. It's a yes, okay, next up, a hollow chisel mortiser used by JD Vance. Oh, boy. Unfortunately, the hollow chisel mortiser, has an action that can best be described as a fucking action. It's, you plunge a proboscis into the wood creating a more cavity. And so, I mean. I'm sorry, we need an answer to the question. Would you let him use the chisel mortiser or no? That'd be, that'd be no. All right, next up, we have an oscillating spindle sander. Now, do you... Operated by Amy Poehler. Oh, boy. I mean, first of all, this is, I'm sorry, this is even more of a fuck machine.

45:31LAUGHTER This, it's a tabletop with a cylindrical, a cylinder covered in sandpaper, and it spins. And goes like this. LAUGHTER Wow. It's, I mean, it's like, you can actually have sex with this. Machine, you want to remove the sandpaper first. You would, for sure. For sure. And you can, you can see below there, you can select your diameter. So, you can... Because that's, what's up there is, look, it's more than anybody would need. Yeah, this is like... These are plenty. This is, this is, this is time of finland, shit. Yeah. Now, to answer your question, absolutely, I would let Amy use that machine only because it would be so goddamn funny. LAUGHTER Next up, you're very own slab-leveling jig, which you invented, and was featured on the cover of Fine Woodworking Magazine in the year 2011. Look at that shit.

46:32Ah. CHEERING However, the person using it is looks-maxing influencer clovicular. Do you know who clovicular is? No, I, I know, this is, this is interesting. I know that's a person that, that has been in the popular culture news recently. You say it's, it's an influencer? Yeah, he's an influencer. And what is, why was he in the news like last week? Because, um, ink, simply impossible to answer that. LAUGHTER It simply can't, that is a question. Why is Spain, you know? I don't know. Where is Triangle? It can't be answered. What? LAUGHTER Would you let him use it? What's, what's the machine? It's your, it's your jig. Oh. Fuck no. OK. And let's do one more. Let's do one more. Director David Lynch's bandsaw. Would you purchase from the auction, right, after he died? You didn't know the man, but you got his fucking bandsaw. I did, I bought his bandsaw.

47:32I bought his bandsaw. And the person using it is your wife, Megan Malali. But you forgot to do that thing you said you do. I forgot to do the thing you said you do. But I forgot, oh, I mean, look, I'm besotted with this woman. She can do whatever she wants to. And I will thank her for the privilege. LAUGHTER CHEERING We've been together 26 years, and I do the dishes by God. LAUGHTER God do dishes. You got to do them. God do the dishes. You got to. Yeah, even when you cook, you got to do the dishes. I believe in that. I do. It's stolen valor if you cook and then don't do the dishes. That's what I feel. Go, I go above and beyond, and it's never done me wrong. And that's a good, and that's some, and work that wood, you know what I mean? That's right. That's right. Little wood checks, wherever you get your books, and for tour dates, you can go to nickofferman.co-slash-events.

48:32This has been very fun. And we'll be right back. That's generous. Thank you. CHEERING Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It Or Leave It coming up. Love It Or Leave It brought to you by Simply Safe. If you're like me, you're desensitized. The dozens of notifications on your phone each day. But if the latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody is breaking in, but you're giving a huge presentation at work. You're at the movies. You're on a flight at 30,000 feet. Oh no, you're back in elementary school, and you're not wearing any clothes during the school dance? Yikes. And you're hose being broken into. And you're rabbi's there. That's too late. That's the point. You need Simply Safe. Simply Safe is a customizable whole home security system back by 24-7 monitoring agents. You can rely on to act even when you can't. I set up a Simply Safe incredibly easy to do. Really customizable. And the customer support was great. The service was very reliable. I highly recommend it. Traditional security systems only act after someone has already broken in. That's too late. Simply Safe's active guard outdoor protection can help prevent break-ins before they happen

49:33while other security companies lock you in. Simply Safe comes with no long-term contract. They earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They're so confident. They even back it with an anti-theft guarantee. I'm not the only one that's said to be Simply Safe. Simply Safe protects four million people. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Best home security of 2026 by US News and World Report. They've been named best customer service in home security with industry leading customer satisfaction scores. Right now our listeners get 50% off. They're a new Simply Safe system at simplysafe.com. Slash. Love it. That's SimplySafe.com. Slash. Love it. There's no Safe. Like Simply Safe. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp International Women's Day. It's time to celebrate your progress and your power. But it's also a reminder that your well-being shouldn't come last. This month, honor yourself by making space for your mental health. You deserve a place to be heard, held, and supported. I don't even really want to be held by your therapist. No. Like emotionally held, I suppose. Yeah. I think that's important. You're hoping that they hold space for you. Yeah, they hold space. Hold your attention. BetterHelp's quality therapist work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US.

50:34BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. So you can focus on your therapy goals. A short question here helps identify your needs and preferences. And they're 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match for film and rate means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored wrecks with over 30,000 therapists. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million. Reviews, your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com. Slash Love It. That's better, H-E-L-P.com. Slash Love It. What does Megan Malali have to say? She sent an article from the Guardian. Megan Malali sent an article from the Guardian. Capital rioter, pardoned by Trump. Given life sentence for molesting two children. And then she wrote, need.

51:35So just a chill night at home for her. That's right. You know, when you get a text from Megan, it could be that. Or it could be like the craziest. There was a guy last night that had a doxened puppy. And the guy would go like this on like a day bed. And the puppy would run up and flip upside down and kiss him. And then the guy would move over and the puppy would do that. And so it's one of those two things from Megan. The beauty of life and the horrors of life. And in the case of the second one, then she says, it's us. Oh. And we're back. You know our next guest from your TV and from the upcoming sci-fi epic project, Hail Mary. It's Melana Vine Troop. Hi.

52:35Welcome. Thanks for being here. Hello. Hello. You go there and switch. We're switching around. Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. Thanks for being here. My pleasure. No, you were a child actor. I was. And Ryan Gosling was also a child actor. Yeah, we had so much to talk about. And had you heard of him before you met him on set? I'd never heard of Ryan Gosling before two years ago. And you just saw the movie for the first time. I did just like the day before yesterday. And it's good. It's phenomenal. It's so good. Any big changes between the two? You know, so when we were filming this, there's a lot of improv. The day that I filmed with Ryan, if it has anybody here read the book, let me just tell you a little bit about the movie. The movie is about Ryan going into space to save the world. And it's a comedy. It's a friendship story actually between him and Rocky, this alien that he finds from another planet that is also trying to save the universe.

53:35And it's gorgeous and hilarious. And the music is bananas and Ryan is, of course, so funny. But also Rocky, the alien is so funny. And so when I shot my first day on set, was after Ryan had shot all of his astronaut alone in a spaceship stuff for like eight months. And so he was so eager for us to improvise with him. And because I had read the book, I kept improvising this thing about the gene. Like, you got to go to space because you have the gene. Remember in the book? Yeah. You don't. You don't. So it's like in the book, in the, that's the thing that's lost. And it's the thing you don't even remember. You need to remember it. I didn't care. You didn't need it. They made some good edits. Good cuts. Yeah, yeah. Good cuts. They cut the gene. Can you believe it? I'm actually bummed. Yeah, yeah. Did you read the book? I did. Did you like it? I loved it. It feels like it's up your alley because it's about somebody using their hands and brain

54:36in an emergency to solve problems. It is. But it's also just the fucking greatest book. Like, it's Andy Weir, who wrote the Martian. It's, the book is so wonderful. And actually, I read it and then we listen to the audio book. The audio book is fucking great. That reader is really good. Yeah. It's really good. All right. We love it. Just see the movie. Read the book. Yeah, it's worth reading the book. But if you go straight to the movie, you're going to have an amazing time too. You were also across from George Clooney on ER. Yeah, I was. When you were a kid. I was. Was he good? You remember? I think was the first time I had like a sexual body experience. And I was like, I was maybe eight. And I was like, there's a few. I don't know why, but I want to invite you over my house for dinner. But yes, otherwise, shit actor, shit person. So the reason I was thinking about that, because like,

55:37you have been hustling since you were a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've been very busy. I don't like sitting still. It's a problem with my brain. Yeah. But I do really, I think, you know what? One of the things that George did was call me kiddo. And no one had done that. Because I, I'm an immigrant. Like, about English is in my first, like, at home, we never called each other kiddo. Or nobody called me that. I didn't call my parents kiddo. And so, and even now, when somebody calls somebody else kiddo, I'm like, that's my inside thing with George. Who probably does not remember that I exist? I bet he remembers. We don't keep in touch. Guess what? He fucking remembers. You think? He has that thing. Yeah. Yeah. I did. Is that a disease? I'd know. I'll make this brief. I did ER with George in 98. That's like why did it? It was the first live episode of ER. That's a thing? It was. And we, there was a big pot of soup backstage.

56:37And we met at the soup. And we said, this feels very maritime. And we started singing the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald together. And I had like three lines. I had a small role. And we laughed. And I was like, all right. Enjoy your soup. Kiddo. And, and then. Huh? Then. Wait, he says that to everybody? Literally, like seven years later, I meet him with Megan at an Oscar party. It was him and Patricia Clarkson. And the four of us met who turned out to be Tammy One, to Megan's Tammy, too, crazily, for those in the know. But Clooney, we get introduced. And Clooney goes wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. He has that superpower where he would, he'd be like, kiddo. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's a big rain check on that dinner. Even now you're just doing an impression of him. Even now you're just doing an impression of him. Like, stop it, George. Do you want to know something interesting about the song,

57:39the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald? Please. I take it back, actually. So listen to this. Listen to this. That song. A lot like death by lighting had no business being a hit. It's a song about an old shipwreck. Here's something crazy. The recording that you hear. You go to Spotify right now and you listen to the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. You are barely sitting on that chair. I know. You're just, you have half a butt cheek. Yeah, that's all you need. Wow. That's all you need. So the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The song you hear. You go to Spotify right now. If it's been there for whatever, 40 years. That is the first take. I don't mean the first take they recorded. I mean, it's the first take of the song. The drummer who doesn't come in for a while in that song. He had never heard the song before. He was just figuring it out. And that's the one. And they tried to record it a bunch of other times. And they never got another one as good. And so that is the take. That's the magic of that song. And it became a hit. Oh, an insane long song about an old shipwreck. 12 minutes long.

58:3912 minutes long. It's the first take. Ah. So you're saying they kind of did improv? Like the thing they do here every night? Yeah. In a sense, that's right. They improv their way to that song about that ship. So Lana, you first broke out doing AT&T commercials. A lot of other comedic performers. John Hodgman, Justin Long for Apple. Peter Gross for Infinite, Sonic commercials. William Bampers on Target. It must have been like both an incredible break. But also like a little like, is this what I wanted to be? Like, you know, like, how did you, like, how did you deal with that? I dealt with it by taking control. I eventually directed the ads. And so I just thought if I can make them good, if I can make them funny, then I feel good about doing them. And then if I could hire great people, my friends, and then it kind of like quells whatever insecurity I have

59:40about doing something for a giant corporation. Damn. That's a good answer. And last year, there were some sort of like fan attention of an unhealthy variety of you being on these AT&T commercials. People felt like they knew you. Yeah. Well, people, there was a picture that came out of me having a body and people were like, this is a woman as a breast. And they were very confused by that. Women can't be funny and selling things in a body. And so I think the internet just got confused by that. Yeah, I guess the commercials did give me a lot of male attention because they played during football games, you know? And so I think people would watch the game. And then during commercial, a girl would come on and she happened to have a human representation. And so they would look her up. And then I ended up getting at this male following. And so last year, during the fires, you know, we were all here in LA trying to figure out how to help people.

1:00:41And people were giving away clothes and furniture and all that. And as I was like talking to people, like, oh, what they really need is help with their rent. What they really need is to figure out how they're going to pay a mortgage and rent their place or how they're going to fix their place. So many things, right? People really needed financial help. And at the same time, I heard about all of these girls fucking crushing on only fans. Do you know that the number one earner on only fans makes more money than LeBron James? Well, that is feminism. Yes. And we have been taught that we should not show our bodies because it is shameful and that is some propaganda bullshit because it is so powerful and it hurts no one. You know what they're saying? She makes more money and she makes the people at home do the dribbling. And the dishes. I wish to God I had a drum set so I could do a rim shot.

1:01:42That was incredible. Anyway, so not that I did an only fans, but I did a parody of it. And I called it Only Flanthropy. And I sold basically like a fireman's calendar. And I raised $500,000 for fire vendors. And so, yeah, now I want to do it again, but I want more people to do it. In fact, I think you should do it. I mean, we're all like posting shit online anyway and we're posting thirst straps for fucking Zuckerberg to benefit off of. So why not do it in an exclusive controlled manner and then have people donate money to whatever cause you care about? If you even care about anything. All right. I'll do it for APAC. Now, first of all, I think there's two questions for Nick.

1:02:42One, given that I think you've got, you've put those buns out there a little bit. Can we show the photo? Oh, no. I think you should consider doing this. I think you should consider doing this, but also the show you're doing. I just want to say that they were so generous with the grapes. Oh, does it say? I asked you this. Here is the question. I had a question about the grapes. Did they start with more grapes and remove or add grapes till you were good? No, it was like, it was like a grizzled old biker dude and he came up and laid those grapes out and just get nodded at me and was like, I got you, brother. So that's, so first of all, I think this is, we should talk about it, but also your show in APAC. Margot's got money troubles. It's actually about L-fanning starting only fans, right? It is, yeah. And I mean, and it's my favorite sort of story point

1:03:42is that she is a single mom. She's having trouble finding her way. She can't keep a job. And she discovers only fans. And she's very creative in the show. She's a creative writer. And so she applies the grapes. In the show, she's a creative writer. And so she applies her actual talent to creating her only fans. Basically, she's doing nudes, but really creatively in a cool way that she creates storylines in her own little world. And so it's very empowering. She's very successful at it, which makes a lot of her life bountiful and kind of saves her. But then she's pilloried and like excommunicated by polite society who say, you're doing porn, you know, you're not welcome in our grocery store or whatever. And so it's a great examination of this exact point. Melana, what do you think my storylines should be

1:04:42for our photos together? Angry, scared, woodworking? Yeah, I think you should be using what was that device that you said, Fox? What's the one? The oscillating spindle sander. I think that's the theme, the oscillating spindle sander. Yeah. Hey, we can't find the oscillating spindle sander. Don't worry about it. Actually, if you want to come do a calendar shoot at the woodshop, we'll just set you up with 12 different machines. I mean... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Plot in the dark, you cowards. All right. We'll talk about it. Let's see. How many more Pilates do I have to do before I'm ready? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Now, one of the many things I did love about Project Calmary is that it's about science being a force for good, that we're ingenious and talented and that doesn't always have to lead to a dystopia. That may be the vibe we're in right now, but people can do incredible things and they can do it to solve problems. And there's no problem we can't solve.

1:05:43So I wanted to highlight some recent thrilling, non-existentially terrifying technologies and a game we're calling in space. No one can hear your dream. Huh. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm going to read about a cool, exciting new tech. And together you will guess whether or not you think it's real or if it's just something I believe should be real. Uh-huh. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. First off, a new kind of lithium battery that will double the range of electric vehicles. That sounds plausible. That sounds legitimate. It is real. You got it. Oh, researchers. That's exciting. So they discovered something that they can do it. I don't know. It's complicated science stuff, involving fluorinated hydrocarbon, but they can send the battery life to fold but also be used as temperatures as low as negative 50 degrees Celsius, which is great for when it's cold. Oh, yeah. It's so cold. I can get all the way to Flagstaff. You're always going to Flagstaff. It's not a euphemism.

1:06:43Not euphemism. No. He loves Flagstaff. Next up, a makeup applicator iMass, which stamps a full look directly onto the user's face. A version of this actually existed that they used on SNL once when they were making somebody Cleopatra. Like, they had a quick change. Do you know about this? Uh-uh. Yeah. This is something that was invented on SNL. I know it's a big deal. Do you know about this? Uh-uh. Yeah. This is something that was invented on SNL. I know it exists. So if you made that up, and you think it's not true, you're wrong, John. Next question. Okay. Are we counting points? Oh, dear. You're crushing it. You're crushing it. Next up, night vision contact lenses. Whoa. Night vision contact lenses. For perverts only. I love it. I think it's real. I mean, I want it to be real. Yeah. It's real.

1:07:43Yay. For the article of a new scientist, newly engineered contact lenses will reportedly allow people to see beyond the visible light range, picking up flickers of infrared light, even in the dark, or with their eyes closed. Yeah. Wait, what? How? It can see through their eyelids? I guess infrared can go through the eyelids a little bit. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm not a scientist. I just read... Project Hail Mary. That'd be cool. Seeing in the dark. Yeah. Finally. But also, you could cheat. You just close your eyes. And you're like, I'm not looking. I'm not... You can change in front of me. I'm not looking. It's weird that you went there. That's where everyone here went. All right. Next up. A new, incredibly fuel-efficient aircraft that's basically one giant wing. Fuel-efficient? I don't know. I don't know. Wait. I just wanted... I can't imagine it. I guess is it like a glider? Like, is it like a glider?

1:08:45I mean, I'm getting... I'm envisioning sort of an expanded boomerang shape. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like the thing people jump off of mountains with and then just glide down. The glider. Yeah. Like I said. Ah. Well, you got your ass. Yeah, it's just real. It's the blended wing aircraft from Aeronautical Startup Jet Zero. It's fuel-efficient. It's got a wider cabin. I think it's cool. And they've got to prove for a demonstrator model. Oh, it's like a glider. It's like a glider. That is. No, it's nothing like a glider. But look at that. How cool would that be? It's like a one big room. It's like the whole plane. They made the whole plane out of the wing. It is more bird-like than most planes. It does kind of look like a dove or like a sea bird. Yeah. They should call it sea bird. I love it. The algorithm thinks I'm really interested in plane technology.

1:09:47So I get a lot of new plane technology. We had to cut several questions about different kinds of new plane technology. There's a new kind of engine that's coming down the pike. Blow your freaking mind. So the algorithm isn't wrong? No, I'm interested. They got my number. Yeah. They got me. They got my number. Oh, those freaks got me. Next up, a home printer that actually works. That's a fabrication. I'm calm bullshit. Doesn't work. Can't work. We'll never happen. All right. Next up. I want to know that this was a source of a big fight when we were talking about doing this because next up, a new urinal shape that allows people of all heights to pee comfortably. I don't know enough about urinals to know that this is a problem. Can you help me, please? What's the problem it's solving? Here's the problem. At usual typical bathrooms, there are three or two or four normal height urinals, two tall for short people.

1:10:48Two tall for you? Yes. There's one a little too low that's basically for kids and little people too low, too low, too high, too low. It sucks. There's no good urinal. That's what I mean. This isn't going to make sense for the people listening. But if you're standing up and the one that's too high, like ends here? No, that's really high. Okay, so what are we talking about? Here's the situation. Here's the situation. Basically, you want to be peeing down but not too far down into the bowl. And so if you're under 5-8, if you're under 5-8, you're peeing a little bit too close to the material. So it splashes back. So it splashes. But if you're going to the low urinal, you're peeing too far. So it also splashes back. It's really just, do you want to get, where do you want to get got down here? Right. Up here. That's stupid. That's stupid to me. You don't know, you're living life out there in that sweet spot. I don't know, are you about 5-11?

1:11:48Where are you? Six. Yeah, 5-10 and 7-8. That's beautiful. I was measured at five foot, six, and three quarters. And I asked the nurse, can I say five, seven, and she said, Trump is president. You could say whatever you want. So anyway, I have a design for a new urinal. Oh, this is your design? Yes. Oh, it's not real. It should be real. It's got their playing game. And here's the thing. I have a design that I believe in my brain doesn't exist. It literally, only is here, that I believe is going to change the urinal game forever. I actually could put up a picture, but I don't want it to be stolen. Right. And so I won't let us see the picture yet. Until I actually get a patent. So I made a bet with Howie, which I have one year to get some kind of an actual patent or something for it. We needed to take this on Shark Tank. You bet. Is it a toilet? You know, the founder of Spank said never tell anybody about your ideas until it's in the store

1:12:57because people will always find reasons to tear a woman CEO down. That's what she said. I don't know why I pointed at me. Okay. Is it adjustable? You know what? I don't know. You've said too much. Yeah. I think it's a, like, what's that pasta shell that curls around? So it's, so the opening. Shut the fuck up. Everyone here is signing NDA. There's people back there at the door. They have an NDA. You know the sign. I'm so mad. Everyone pass your phone down to the end of the row. I like to sit down. You're in all idea or toilet. Yeah. Right. Right. I just came off the dome. Yeah. And finally, a doorbell you press when a fish needs help. That's right. You heard me. A doorbell you can press when a fish needs help. And you're not the person to help the fish.

1:13:59You could be to you. A doorbell you press when a fish needs help. This is a fish you care about. Yeah. Where is a triangle? No. No. And why is Spain? It's in the Netherlands technically. Why is Spain? Yeah. I don't know how it's blue. I'm not sure. Great. You know. That was badass recall. You just. Thanks. Yeah. Well, you started it. Well, but I was, but I was out here. Yeah. You were backstage. Yeah. But I was out here. But I didn't answer. Is the fucking fish doorbell real or not? It must be. It sounds so stupid. It must exist. Yeah, you got it. It's the Netherlands fish doorbell. Streaming 24-7 from a lock outside you trekked. Anyone in the world can alert the lock operator if they spot a fish swimming up to the lock. If there is, you can go ahead and press the fish doorbell to help the fish. It's like a crowdsource fish doorbell. Let's see it. That's it. Well, that's it. And that's it. It's a real fish.

1:14:59It's a video game. We don't care. It's a real fish. We talk about video games in front of him. He loses it. No. I actually, while you were talking about that, I did also, if I may, think about Project Hail Mary. Because one of the things I kept thinking about while we were making it was, one, how hard it is. How good it feels to do hard things, period. How hard it is to make a movie and how good that feels. How hard it is to make love. Just, I'm just speaking in terms so you understand. But like, but you know, but this movie is really about that. It is about like doing so much work, math, science, friend making to save the world. But it feels so good to do hard things because it's really the only thing that is rewarding enough to be worthwhile. Whereas like, doom scrolling feels easy, but you feel like shit afterwards, you know. And you're getting nothing done. You're paying, putting money in the pockets of billionaires. Yeah, you're giving up the one thing you don't get more about the images time. I know, except at the end of our lives, we'll be like, oh, I wish I could have five more minutes with the love of my life,

1:16:05except we had the love of our lives now. And we are wasting that time. True. Throw your phones out the window! After these messages. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It Or Leave It coming up. Love It Or Leave It is brought to you by Blinds.com. If you ever thought about upgrading your window treatments, but didn't want the hassle, Blinds.com is here to change the game. They're the only company that lets you shop custom blinds and shades online that backs it up with a professional in-home measure and installation service. At Blinds.com, you can skip the stress and get expert design advice through their convenient virtual consultations on your schedule. Whether you know exactly what you want or need a little help deciding, they've got you covered. Do it yourself or sit back and let Blinds.com handle everything from measured install. Okay, you have access to experts every step of the way. Samples are sent directly to your door, fast and free, compare colors, textures, materials, right from the comfort of home to help make the perfect selection. Blinds.com carries everything from bamboo shades to shutters, outdoor shades for your patio and more.

1:17:06All Blinds.com orders are backed by their 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you're not happy, they'll make it right. Blinds.com has been around for 29 years and has covered over 25 million windows making them the number one online retailer of custom window treatments right now. Blinds.com is giving our listeners an exclusive $50 off when you spend $500 or more. Just use code Love It at checkout limited time offer rules and restrictions apply Blinds.com for details. Hey, Love It or Leave It listeners. It's me, the titular John Love It. Here to tell you that I'm coming back to Washington DC for Love It or Leave It Live at the Lincoln Theatre on April 23rd. That's right. Spring in DC is all about cherry blossoms and Love It or Leave It bringing you a stack lineup of guests. That's what makes it America's number one late night gay live comedy political podcast. We're so excited to be back to DC. It's a tradition now that we come around the time of the car response and even though the car is honest and are really no longer has comedians. I believe there's going to be some kind of a magician or a mind, mind melder. Yes, a magician. Yeah. A mentalist. A mentalist.

1:18:06Because I guess Trump wouldn't know. Trump's also going. Yeah. Yeah. That's in there. Yeah. There's a mental case and then Trump is also going. That's how it is. I think it's won't last long. They're selling pretty fast. So get yours now while you still can at crooked.com slash events. Very excited for the DC show. Got some big guests. I'm pretty exciting. Maybe. Crooked.com slash events. And we're back. Everybody, check out Project Hail Mary. It's in theaters on Friday, March 20th. And Margot's got money troubles. It's on Apple TV on April 15th. That's right. Texte. Now it's time for second thoughts. Let's see. Should I regret the supreme leader? What makes the leader supreme is they add tomatoes and sour cream. I don't regret that. Don't regret that. I don't agree that. I don't agree that.

1:19:06Hannah Gads be catching strays in the monologue. No regrets. Yeah, they're in. They're in. They're in. Yeah, it's okay. We picked so many sexual wood machines. I don't regret that. Not enough sexual wood machines, I say. It's a thing. It's a wood shop thing. You show me a tool that's not sexy. What about an all? Oh, my God. You just got to use the other end. Yeah, point to our enemy. Do you have a second thought about signing up to do only philanthropy at his wood shop? No. Oh, I think that's double confirmation. I think probably just for the sake of the projects, we should have 11 other people for the 11 other months. I think by March or April people would be like, I could use other physical specimen.

1:20:10Let's vary up the corpus. I don't know who wants 12 months of John. Oh, they're just encouraging. You're right. It wasn't a strong enough will. It says here that I should regret telling that whole thing about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, because I ended my own anecdote by gasping. No, we could have done 90 minutes on that song. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, that's... I didn't know that. I mean, it's a deep thing. He also, it's also insane. He read that in the paper that morning and was like, man, that's fucked up. And he wrote the song so casually. And it was just... Isn't that a beautiful? It's so funny, because this is why I think... I'm worried about AI, but we're pulling AI behind us. AI is the water skier. We're the boat.

1:21:10The creativity is coming from the boat. I don't care how many water skiers you get back there. They're never going to be able to go without the boat. You know what I mean? So you're saying we should stop the boat? Yeah, so everybody stop the fucking boat. Absolutely stop the boat. Oh, it says here that I tucked myself into a nude photo shoot in a wood shop. I don't know. You know what? No one said nude, but you bill. You know what? They're always saying us activists got to put our bodies on the line, right? That's right. As comfortably as you want. And that's consent. John, that's a beautiful thing. I will... I'll go two months. I'll do two months. Okay. Two months. Hell yeah. Are you familiar with the San Francisco neighborhood called the Ponderosa?

1:22:10Yes. That's where I will sell my two months. Oh, is it sort of like an area for a sort of a bear situation? Well, apparently there's the cat. There's a demographic. The California state animal. And then my final second thought is I thought I was going to like kind of like casually float my urinal idea. And then the two of you absolutely nailed me to the fucking wall. And I just want to say that you got my number. Well. And that was exciting. I say follow through. I will. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. There are a lot of five, six people that want... That are underrepresented. A manicotti-shaped urinal. A stuffed shell. It's not exactly right. It's more nuanced than that. Fuck. Fuck. Oh, also it's going to be daylight savings.

1:23:14And that's our show. Thank you so much to Nick Hoffman and Melina Von Trude. We'll see you next week at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 240 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us to review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for Add Free Love It or Leave It and Podsave America episodes, subscribers, exclusive pods, and more. Sign up at Crooked.com slash friends. Love It or Leave It as a Crooked Media production. It's written and produced by me. John Love It. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer. Howie Keeper is our head writer, Sarah Lazarus is our senior staff writer and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Suba Argoal are our writers.

1:24:15Jordan Cantor is our editor, Kyle Seglon and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Steven Cologne is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Sammy, could earn a raise for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Tolls, Claudia Shang, Mia Kalman, DeLonville, and Ava, Jay Banks, Milo Kim, and Rachel Gaiski for filming and editing video each week, so that you can. Love It or Leave It is produced by Lee Eisenberg and our head of production is Matt DeGrope. And our production staff is proudly unionized with the writer's guild of America East. Hey, Love It or Leave It listeners, it's me, the titular John Love It. Here to tell you that I'm coming back to Washington DC for Love It or Leave It Live at the Lincoln Theatre on April 23rd.

1:25:17That's right, Spring and DC is all about cherry blossoms. And Love It or Leave It bringing you a stack lineup of guests. That's what makes it America's number one late night gay live comedy political podcast. We're so excited to be back to DC. It's a tradition now that we come around the time of the car response. And even though the car response in a really no longer has comedians, I believe there's going to be some kind of a magician or a mind-milder. Yes, a magician. Yeah. I'm a mentalist. A mentalist, because I guess Trump wouldn't know. And Trump's also going. Yeah. Yeah. That's right there. Yeah. There's a mental case and then Trump is also going. That's right. That's right. Tickets won't last long. They're selling pretty fast. So get yours now while you still can. At Kricket.com slash events. Very excited for the DC show. Got some big guests. Some pretty exciting babies. Kricket.com slash events.