Own Your Life: Tori DaCosta on Self-Leadership, Resilience & Letting Go of Balance

0:00Level up, don't look back, let's go Set the pace, watch the seal of the show Higher ground, here I'm rising fast This is my moment, it's built to last Keep the focus, keep the drive No emotion, I'm alive Power searching, K tonight I'm a unstoppable type of sky Level up, yeah this is the fight Feel the rush, I can't kill the straw Eyes ahead, I'm moving strong This is the anthem, let's sing along Kitchen and bathroom professionals know What goes behind the tile, matters That's why trade pros trust fiber cement Party backer board to keep tile firmly in place Resist cracking and held block moisture Chosen in over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms Party backer board, what the best build on

1:00Shop now at participating home depot, lows, and floor into core stores For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker Help your garden recover from summer stress Add eco compost now to boost your garden's soil for next year's planting Eco compost is 100% organic adding billions of beneficial micro organisms to naturally feed plants With eco compost you build the nutrients up in your garden now in order to make next year's garden your best yet Great garden start with eco find eco products at a garden center near you Hello everyone and welcome to the balanced beautiful and abundant podcast I'm the poster Becca Whitman helping you go from burned out to balanced beautiful and abundant By aligning your life in the seven pillars of abundance which are spiritual physical, emotional, romantic, mental, social, and financial

2:04And today we have a special guest she can speak into several of these pillars welcome to the show Tori de Costa Thank you Rebecca I'm excited to be here and to be live Yeah, that's right this is also a live video as well as a podcast I'm going to tell my listeners a little bit about you So Tori is a business leader a coach a best selling author and a keynote speaker who is redefining what it means to truly lead As a leader with an affliction 50 company and a founder of Journey Stone LLC Tori has spent her career helping people close the gap between their potential and their performance by embracing one powerful principle ownership She is also the author of the award winning book no name bastard how our life teaches what we can control, manage and influence

3:06Which challenges us to look at the experience that have shaped us reclaim the stories we tell about them and put our energy toward what we can actually change Today you're not going to want to miss this we're talking about why self leadership is foundational to an abundant life how our greatest challenges can become our greatest strengths Why having it all together is an illusion and why Tori believes work life balance may be the wrong goal altogether Tori welcome to the balance beautiful and abundant show Thank you for having me Let's dive right in your book is called no name bastard which is definitely a title that makes you stop and pay attention What is the story behind the title and why was this the book you felt called to write? So I'm going to tell you I've gotten quite a bit of feedback on that title Okay

4:07Oh, it's so provocative and anyone who knows me in day to day you know they would say Tori I've never heard you say and I'm there quoting for those who can't see you know a bad word I was like well it just depends on how you feel about it's not necessarily a bad word but the book came to be because I was in a space had great success or having great success And just recognizing that I needed to connect with people on a deeper and more meaningful level so I was finishing an executive MBA program I was just weeks from graduation I should have been like jumping up and down and I was excited don't get me wrong I was very excited for that to come to an end Or should I say to come to a head and just have that moment but even still with all of that education and experiences and wonderful connections I knew that I needed to connect with people in a different way than I had been and that's how the book was born So I have we talk about spiritual one of the pillars I have quite times every morning and that was one of the things that came out of my quiet time

5:13And I remember thinking I never I never thought I would write a book I didn't have the idea to write a book or a desire But when the idea for the book came I was like what am I writing about? So then I began to pull together some experiences and just some ideas that would be helpful or that I've learned now have been very helpful for people But the title itself so the no name bastard is a nod to the first three chapters of the book And the sub title speaks to a framework within the book because it's a narrative driven self-help book And it's primarily written for people who may and I'll even say may not realize that personal challenges influence your professional life And sometimes we need the space to reframe those experiences and that may require starting with hard questions

6:16And the book just provides an opportunity to do it in a thoughtful and intimate way somewhat entertaining as well So who is the no name bastard? Is that referring to a person or a concept? So again, it's a nod to the first three chapters so whoever buys the book when they open the book and they see the table of contents they'll say oh, okay this makes sense Yeah, so it's not technically a no name bastard if that makes sense And let's talk about the framework in the book, give us what is it called and give us overview of the framework that you teach Yeah, so it speaks a lot to that ownership piece that you mentioned and it's the CMI framework so we talk about it Okay, I'm taking notes if you're on the check notes you'll fall off but I'm taking notes Not safe Aren't hitting that physical pillar if you're on the treadmill we want you to be safe Exactly, so tell me about the CMI framework

7:19Yeah, so remember the subtitle is what we can control, manage and influence so that's the CMI And the control piece is really around our actions, our behaviors and our words The manage is around our emotions and our thoughts and then the influence speaks to people and environments Now Rebecca I've had some people push back on me and say well, Tor you can control your thoughts And I said hmm, have you ever ruminated? Did you want it to stop instantly? So I think thoughts are more managed than control but all of those pieces kind of come together when we have an experience And what parts of it we own and how that dictates the outcomes I think when you're up at night and your head is spinning you know it's three in the morning like I was last night I wish I could control my thoughts but I couldn't turn them off so how do you help people know like the distinction

8:27What are the controllables and what are the uncontrollables? So one of the easiest ways to identify which you can control versus which you can influence is if another person is involved If another person is involved you do not have control because we can't control other people right? So we can influence them hopefully for good but we use what we can control which is our words and our actions Of course our behaviors towards them to influence them but we just we don't have the ability to control other people Even when someone feels like they're fully compliant and I think children are a great example of this Because we raise them, we teach them, I mean scientifically we can say we condition them But they still have to decide whether or not they're going to listen And if you've ever lived in a house with children and chores were undone or maybe the dog didn't get fed or whatever the case may be You know that they don't always do exactly what you want them to do

9:29We love them anyway but they don't always listen So you can influence them, you can influence children and other people, you can't control them So what are some positive ways to influence people? Oh wow, so there are countless ways to positively influence people But I think one of the best ways to positively influence people is through how we model our own behavior And of course we didn't mean for this to be a talk about children but I just think they're a really good example Because they oftentimes mimic or copy what they see adults or their parents do And as a leader in an organization a family is really just a smaller version or unit of an organization But when you think about a larger organization of business Often times the behaviors that the leaders model give the people who are part of that organization permission to do the same thing So behaviors are one of the easiest ways that we can positively influence people

10:33And things are a lot of things are not taught they're caught And absolutely Watching what the leaders do not what they say If the leader tells everyone to get to work at 8 and they show up at 10.30 People are not going to want to show up at 8 because the leader is modeling the behavior Absolutely Let's talk about the stress that comes because a lot of the listeners on this show are high achieving midlife women And it gets stressful if we're trying to focus on what we can't control and to control the uncontrollables So what kind of advice do you have for women that are focused on what they can't control And how do they get out of that stress and put the focus back on themselves where they have power? Yes, well first I'll say you are my trying

11:34Middle age high achievement women I think we are a unique and beautiful bunch and we carry a lot I think oftentimes not recognizing or giving ourselves credit for all the hats that we are wearing And yes, it was several years ago I sat down Rebecca I was running my second business And it was a Saturday morning I just have breakfast with my family And I came back to my bedroom I sat down with a pen and paper and I started writing all the hats And I'm just an air-coating hats but all the hats I was wearing And that paper started to look like a jumbled mess Wow And I realized, Tore, you're doing a lot Like if you continue trying to wear all of these hats, you are going to wear yourself out So what I had to do was kind of categorize the hats, so to speak

12:37But I also had to identify what was the priority And I think oftentimes we're not dictating or owning what our priorities are Other people are defining that for us And if you are indeed a middle-aged, high-achieve and woman listen to this call, let me just say that You have earned the right to dictate your own priorities You've lived enough life that now you are in a space where you can truly decide what you value, what you care about And just as important where you want to spend your time Because all of those hats requires time So I'll go back to that as the first point Sit down and really get clear about what it is that you value Because you may be putting time and energy into things that you really don't care about But you're doing them because you feel like you're supposed to or you have to And they don't add value to your life or the lives of the people that you care about

13:37Well, it was an example in your own life Tore of something you were doing Because you felt like you should be doing it but it wasn't adding value so you let it go Yeah, I was volunteering with an organization And for anyone who volunteers, you know, that takes time And granted, I enjoyed the work, I enjoyed being a part of the community But when I sat down and defined the priorities, it just didn't make the cut So then you have to start working on the exit plan, right? Because people cannot be for being a part of that So you start giving the folks who depended or look forward to you being there The heads up that you're going to start stepping away If you're in a position where you can find someone who's willing or wants to You know, come in and be the support that you were If that's possible, I don't feel like that's a requirement But I absolutely had to start working on the exit plan to step away And what that did was it gave me time back, gave me more time with my family

14:39And all those things that identified as priorities were the priorities So when you define your priorities then you get to say no to the things that are not a priority Do you have a formula or a way to say no or set a boundary that would be helpful to the listeners? Yes, and it depends on the situation But one thing I do that I think will be really helpful for people to know Is a lot of times at the beginning of the year people sit down and sit new years resolutions Or maybe even at the end of a year they start thinking about new years resolutions I've never been a big new years resolution person However, what I am a really big proponent of is every 13th week So you think you have a 12 week run every 13th week I like to sit down and just reassess their priorities Because life changes frequently and I need to re-evaluate where time is going

15:41Just based on what's happened on a quarterly basis Sound very business like a state of quarterly basis But personally, I just like to do that review every so often And how you bow out or how you say no is really going to depend on the circumstance So if it's a family situation, so I'll give an example here Sure, I had to, I was in a season where I had to take a lot of tests The certifications and get licenses And we were used to a certain rhythm in our household And what I was getting ready to do was going to significantly disrupt that rhythm So we sat down as a family, we call it a come to Jesus meeting We sat down as a family on a Sunday afternoon And we just talked about how things were going to look a little bit different For a short time they knew it wasn't permanent for a short time And where I would be helping with some things and where I wouldn't And we talked about who would pick up and do more in certain areas

16:43And maybe where we would just say we're not doing certain things We would cut them out because we just couldn't maintain that while I was in that space And we had check-in meetings frequently just to make sure everyone was on the same page So you know situation like that will look totally different than some other situations But communication is so important for any of it Because if you just ghost people or you know you suddenly just fall off the map They're like oh, what happened? I think it leads people more puzzled and confused and actually just being honest about the situation I cannot stand the trend of ghosting people who think it's okay to not return texts and phone calls I mean even successful people that I know, business people like I think ghosting is just so rude And black integrity on so many levels it only takes three words like no thank you or you know I can't Thanks for thinking of me like don't ghost people you guys

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22:54Meet Juan Naula. When a son was hospitalized for a viral infection, Juan started a GoFundMe to pay for medical expenses It was 5k to pay the bill for my son and I need only 22 hours It was amazing. People really trust on GoFundMe How did Juan raise $5,000 in less than a day? He posted a short video on GoFundMe telling his story in 30 seconds 30 seconds, be specific, be quick and tell what are you going to be using the funds for. I was nervous to do it Because it doesn't feel okay to ask money, but you shouldn't be nervous Sometimes you just have to do it and see the results We were able to save my son's life Thanks to GoFundMe that we still have my son with us Start your GoFundMe today at GoFundMe.com That's GoFundMe.com GoFundMe.com This message reflects one person's experience This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace Last year I went through many different life changes

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24:57That's why trade pros trust Fiber cement, party backer board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture Chosen in over 40 million kitchen and bathrooms, party backer board, what the best build on Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores For more information visit jameshardy.com slashhardybacker Thank you guys for coming back. I am interviewing author, keynote speaker, and coach Tori de Costa So Tori, tell us about the concept of self leadership, what does that mean and what does that look like? It looks like a life of awareness in ownership and I will tell you I think I will I will say this just to relieve the pressure Relief the pressure for listeners. I don't think anyone on earth is 100% self aware

25:57So don't feel like you have to know everything and have it all figured out But there is a level of awareness and I'll even say emotional maturity that helps when you start thinking about personal leadership Because personal leadership impacts everything you do and this is why I'm so passionate about it It impacts your relationships, it impacts how you parent, it impacts how you interact with co-leaf colleagues, co-workers You know leaders and if you're an entrepreneur with other business owners and clients so Right before we went to break you talked about ghosting people which seems to be a fairly new behavior Yeah, and I've heard of some pretty what I would say are successful people ghosting folks and I was a little bit surprised by that But I share that because when you start talking about personal leadership and how you show up in different spaces

26:59It has a ripple effect on how you impact and influence other people And really taking ownership for your behaviors, areas where you need to grow and develop And maybe even areas where you may have offended or hurt someone I think all that is very important when you think about personal leadership because it impacts how you live and navigate this world But it also impacts how people experience you So where does discipline fall into self leadership? Because I'm a big proponent of discipline I like to say that discipline eats motivation for breakfast because you can go to a seminar or a talk and be all motivated for like a day And then you're going to go back into your old habits and ways unless you have discipline So 100% Where does discipline fall into your concept of self leadership? I think it's essential Now I will tell you I get to talk to a lot of people

28:01And some folks seem to be more naturally disciplined than others But what I find is folks who are more driven to succeed tend to be more disciplined Now when you talk about motivation and going to conferences and seminars, I'm definitely familiar with that And I don't know if it's scientifically back but there's like a 72 hour rule So they say if you don't engage in whatever activity you just learned or implement within 72 hours, it's gone Oh I didn't know that, that's a good one Yeah, motivation is fleeting and I always say it has a half-life right? So after a day Maybe you're a little excited, you know, 48 hours you remember that it happened You get to that 72 hours, you're like I better do something or I've lost it So discipline for me and I also the people that I work with It aligns with priorities

29:01Again, if you've identified those priorities, it doesn't matter what you feel like on any given day You have to be willing to do the work to make those things happen So I used to be in the fitness industry or back there, you want to talk about discipline Which, I'm obsessed with fitness, I'm like a gym friend and an avid tennis player I love it, yeah, I um, so I was a personal trainer and I had contracts with gyms and you know, did classes and things of that nature But my favorite thing working with the personal training clients was that they always came with a very realistic goal They were just struggling to achieve it because they lacked discipline Yes, they're all, you know, I want to lose 20 pounds or I want to get my blood pressure in the control Or I want to lower my A1C, whatever the reason was, but they still wanted to sell me an accouting eat courteous While they were watching TV in the evening or you know, have potato chips or choose french fries versus the salad

30:03And one of the things that I started recognizing, I'd say my late 30s or back I may be early 40s I didn't like pinpoint the moment It was the dual nature of every decision we make And it could be something as simple as, you know, choosing to work out, not choosing to work out decisions we make professionally You know, pursuing education, opening a business Every decision is going to impact where we are in the current state But it's also going to change the trajectory of our future person as well And I don't think enough people think about that Like I'm making decisions for senior citizen Tory I want her to be very healthy, I want her to be able to get on the floor with grandchildren and just have a good time and be able to travel You know, so I make decisions for today but I'm also thinking about my future self So what do you mean by dual, do you mean like present versus future self?

31:04Is that what you mean by dual or do you mean like two different outcomes? So yes, so I would say present and future self Recognizing the decisions I make today, they impact me today But they also impact me in the future Yeah, that's good You said that our life experiences can become our greatest leadership teachers How can someone begin turning their greatest challenge into one of their greatest strengths? All of our behaviors stem from what we believe And when those experiences happen, however you package or process, just however you process that experience And then package it is going to dictate really how you carry that forward And a lot of times the folks that I've worked with in coaching conversations If there was some type of roadblock or something hindering their success When there did not appear to be any outside cause, hindering their success

32:07Rebecca, what we ran into was it was something mental There was a mental block or an experience or something that they were holding on to That they did not necessarily recognize it was for their good They just use it as a moment to define them And if we can reframe those experiences and recognize that the things that happen They don't necessarily happen to you, they happen for you If you allow that to be the perspective so then you can use it as fuel for wherever you're going next Yeah, your pain doesn't have to stop you, your pain can become your jumping off place Your pain can push you to the new level One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Michael Beckwith says, we're either pushed by pain or pulled by vision And a lot of times they feel like people are pushed by pain

33:09If they know how to reframe it So if you have a personal experience that you would like to share where you took a challenge or a painful experience And you reframed it to become a growth opportunity Yes, so I'll share one of my mindset blocks or hindrances that I had for many years And there's several examples of them in the book which by the way we didn't mention at the beginning But I'll be sure to share at the end I have something for your listeners We like special something so we can share about it So you find out what she's offered Can't come to balance beautiful and abundant and not treat the people well That's right But one of my challenges was when I was a girl and in mind you, you know, the age and community I grew up in The primary roles of women were teacher, nurse, you know, secretary, those type of roles I didn't see a lot of women in business leadership positions or even as entrepreneurs

34:13What I learned through environmental messages was that calling a woman ambitious was basically like calling her the be words It was derogatory so for many years even though I wanted to be successful and I always wanted to be good at whatever I did and do my best I would never identify that as ambitious because I was like that is awful An ambitious woman is selfish. She doesn't care about other people But here's a really sad part. I had the textbook definition of the word ambitious for a man So in my mind, in my mind it was okay for a man to be ambitious But it was awful for a woman to be ambitious So fast forward many years I'm sitting in a room and an awards ceremony And someone gives me an award for being ambitious And Rebecca, I almost could not get myself out of the chair to go and set the award

35:18I was like they weren't talking to me. They didn't say my name I didn't even think I was like wait, did I hear that correctly? So they looked at me like can you please get up So I walk up there and I'm like this is it just felt so awful I was like why are they giving me an award for being ambitious? That's bad So I had to reframe my thinking and my understanding of the word ambitious because it was all wrong Well it's like thanks for sharing this story It's like the beward right? If a woman self advocates and she's confident She goes afterwards she wants, she's ambitious, she's considered the beward But if a guy does that he's just like a badass or you know an alpha male Yeah 100% or we may be called bossy Right? Like we're bossy versus just being a boss It's changed like now it's boss babe culture thank God with the millennials

36:22Got the millennials they really changed it and know what shocks me Tory is I'm friends with a lot of millennials who are entrepreneurs And they say their goal is to retire their husband so they can have a stay at home husband I'm like wow Like things have really changed in one generation from our generation to the millennials pretty awesome They absolutely have I know a few women who have done that and just until recently I had a neighbor who was the stay at home dad So we're seeing that the expectations the stories all those things are changing around you know what a man should do, what a woman should do and what's susceptible And I love it I remember when I first moved to LA in the early 2000s I'd never seen a man pushing a baby stroller in public and I was shocked I was like oh my god there's men pushing baby strollers Now I'm back in my hometown since an addy 25 years later and now the men are pushing baby strollers here so yeah things have really changed

37:25Let's talk about the I have it all together persona many in a high achieving women feel pressure to look good on the outside And look like they've had it all figured out have everything figured out and their perfection is they want to have like everything look great But inside they're overwhelmed and burnt out what would you tell those women who have that you know I have it all together pressure on them I Tone of empathy for women in that position because that is an impossible persona to uphold no one is perfect no one has it all together and trying to you know have the facade of you have it all together When when they get back home or they're you know if they're in a business setting and they're going back to a hotel they get behind closed doors I can just imagine you know the the drain that they are feeling from trying to uphold that for however many hours they were

38:27So thankfully there's more of a push towards authenticity and you know professional settings today which I think is really healthy Now of course I'm not advocating for not being professional but I do think authenticity is very important because it is never draining or tiring to show up as yourself Oh I like that quote is never draining or tiring to show up as yourself but it is so draining and tiring to try to be perfect doesn't it? Absolutely and trying to have that facade nobody really has it all together I feel like we're all being challenged and at least one of the seven pillars and one way or another and it's okay I like to say strive for imperfection So we're going to cut to a quick commercial break you're definitely going to want to come back because after we come back we are going to talk about work life balance is a myth

39:28Now this is not saying she doesn't like the title of the balance beautiful and abundant show we're just talking about work life balance not feeling balance beautiful and abundant So hang out with us after this quick commercial because we'll be right back What if your dream retreat really existed and you got to help create it if you're a high achieving woman who's been doing all the things I need your help I'm planning my next luxury wellness retreat and I don't want to create what I think women want I want to create what you actually dream about Tell me what's your dream destination what activities would light you up what feels like the perfect investment and how many days would help you truly reset and realign Thank wellness connection community adventure luxury rest and whatever feels nourishing to you if you've been craving success without burnout this retreat is being designed with women just like you in mind

40:32Take my two minute survey it's linked in the show notes and who knows your dream retreat might just become a reality Do you feel like your love life is stagnating have you been single forever and feel like giving up on love or maybe you're in a relationship that's lost its magic I want to give back to the balanced beautiful and abundant community with a complimentary 15 minute romantic reset call It's a space to reconnect reset and recalibrate your energy around love Together we'll uncover what maybe blocking connection and create a fresh spark so that you can feel more open aligned and ignited in your love life Because love isn't about forcing or chasing it's about creating space and becoming magnetic to the connection you truly desire Get the details and book your complimentary reset call in the show notes So you've said Tori that work life balance is a myth why do you believe balance is the wrong goal?

41:40I prefer the term work life collaboration Oh I've heard work life harmony but I've never heard work life collaboration explain that Well when you hear the word balance there's this it evokes pictures of fairness equity equal time And that's just not possible for someone who works in America traditional 40 hour work week So if you work 40 hours Monday through Friday or whatever days you work and then your kids come home if you have children and you're trying to have dinner as a family And they're doing homework and then you know shortly thereafter you're getting them ready for bed or they're going to bed if they're older you know they may stay up later than you And then you're trying to spend time with your spouse And then on top of that Rebecca because the week is so busy we try to squeeze everything into these two little days on the week itself If you're trying to be fair and equitable with your time just know that is an unrealistic expectation and you will I don't know folks are still saying this term mom guilt

42:50Right like you have to say that's still a thing mom guilt thing yeah I let it go so long ago I don't I didn't even know if people were still using it But I know like I know it's a real challenge for a lot of people and what I started doing was instead of focusing on the quantity of time that people were getting because if I'm working 40 hours a week I can't give the kids 40 hours a week I can't give the husband 40 hours a week So I started being more intentional about how the time was spent I'll give you really practical example I was putting appointments on my calendar to meet with clients and I thought about it one day I said you know what I'm going to put an appointment on my calendar to spend time with my kids I have two children So I literally went to my calendar and sent them an invite and it was a half a day just we're going to go hang out do whatever you want you know if they want to go to a music park they wanted to eat they want to ride bikes they want to go hiking whatever they want It was quality time and because they knew because they knew that it was happening even though I met work you know hours every day that invite on their calendar was a reminder to them I'm getting really good quality time with mom

44:09So I did that with each kid every month also went on dates with my husband and then we were really intentional about time I'm afraid that you go on dates once we did that once a month okay yeah once a month it was good with that he was he's busy too What does that still do and how long have you been married? Yeah so I've been married for 26 years amazing yes my husband is ex-military so he was in the Air Force for a short stand and now he works in a hospital system So his hours are a little bit more regular in mind so we have to kind of work around that as well but the good thing was because we knew it was coming part of the fun was the anticipation Yeah right like you're looking forward to having that that quality time with that person and having it on the calendar gave them something look forward to and for my kids know what I do for a living they're like mom sent us an invite they felt like they were being prioritized Alright so something that simple I said hey we're gonna collaborate and make this feel like no we don't have to figure out how to get equal time no one needs to be stressed we're gonna make it really good quality and look forward to it

45:23The other thing if we have women who are listening to entrepreneurs or if you just like doing things in the community when you can involve your family That brings the collaboration piece together as well because now they're taking a peek into your professional world and they get to be a part of some of the things that you're doing you know on a day-to-day basis and that really feels collaborative to them so this is two examples of some things I think are helpful I love this is a new comment a concept work-life collaboration so you're collaborating with the people in your life that you care about to make them feel that they're important to you not just your work that's what you're saying Absolutely yeah So we talk about mom guilt people want to you know they want to have personal responsibility but they don't want to be into self-blame so how do you how do you distinguish between taking personal responsibility for your life versus self-blame

46:29and we're talking specifically around mom guilt I mean anything you know it could be mom guilt it could be your health journey I know personal responsibility is a really important part of how you teach leadership and your book and your coaching practice so how do people take responsibility without slipping into self-blame yeah so I'm going to anchor back to the priorities for just a moment because that is going to dictate so much of what happens from a mindset perspective from an action perspective and what behaviors drive it but before we even assume that those are the priorities that an individual really wants we need to go deeper and find out why are those priorities or what makes those priorities important because a lot of time for Becca we're not really defining our priorities society is Oh yes let's talk about that especially for women society has expectations of us that might not be our own you know expectations

47:41for example for myself society expects women to want kids and I never really wanted to be a mom I wanted to focus one career and friends and entrepreneurship and fitness and other things travel so let's talk of let's go into that let's unpack it Yes so when you talk about that shame piece you know again shame shame typically comes from the outside or even if it's felt internally by something that was defined externally right and a lot of times to your example not wanting to have children I'm a very good friend who has no children she's too very good friends who have no children they don't ever plan on having children and I don't see a problem with that but everyone feels like a woman should be a mom I want to say everyone a lot of people feel like a woman should be a mom right so we can go back to the dad who are staying at home they feel like if a man isn't earning a paycheck he's not a real man

48:43and again these are all definitions that are they're not true they're not rooted or grounded anything but they make people feel shameful so when we start having those conversations around what's really important to you what's your priority the question is why another great example I mean you and I both love fitness but not every woman loves working out right like oh here's this pressure to be I don't know what size they want women to be anymore but you know to be very very slim in hours last figure and have a small waist and things of that nature and if someone really cares about that and that's important to them I think that's wonderful but there are other women they're like I'm okay if I have a little pudge in the middle it doesn't bother them and that's totally fine so I think that people need to really identify and align with what their priorities are because if you're feeling shame for something or about something the question would be what is causing that shame

49:47and is it something that you even care about or is it something that you've adopted because you felt like you had to that is a great question so let's talk about the woman who's listening she feels like she has potential but she has limiting beliefs maybe some bad habits she's getting in her own way what is one area of ownership you would challenge her to take on today well first I would confirm for her that you do have potential and yeah yeah the fact that you you're even feeling like you have potential that is that is a great starting point and then recognizing that you have limiting beliefs that's the start of self awareness so you may need to sit down with pen and paper and some people prefer to work with the coach because believe you're not Rebecca the way you and I are talking out loud right now that's really helpful for a lot of people but sitting down with pen and paper and writing out what you actually believe

50:52so I'll give you an example I'm a woman who she will sometimes come upon something and say I can't do that I'm not smart enough to do that now here's the staffing she doesn't know if she's not smart enough to do it because she hasn't done it yeah it keeps her from trying so if you have a limiting of belief and you recognize that that's a hurdle for you here's what you have to understand sometimes beliefs they're a belief for us but we'll turn it into a rule and then it becomes a false rule and it will actually slow down or hinder your progress so write it down if you have space to talk with someone talk about it but then I would say pick one pick one and say okay but if I could do something different how would I overcome this limiting belief so if I were to say which I was just raised to think you can do anything you put your mind to so I just go for it

51:57but if you feel like I'm not smart enough to do that but if I was smart enough to do it how would I do it hmm turn it off your foot yeah just do something different than what you're already doing because once you start breaking the patterns and you give yourself the ability to see that you can do it all of a sudden this amazing thing called confidence starts creeping into your psyche and you're willing to go for it wonderful well let's get into some rapid fire questions are you ready let's do it all right what is one belief you have had to let go of to become the woman and leader you are today well we talked about that one that ambition was a dirty word yes what is one daily practice that helps you lead yourself well the quiet time in the morning so quiet time prayer time that is grounding and it really sets the tone for my day

53:02tell us about your morning routine okay I'll give you the short version so there's quiet time quiet time prayer time there's Bible study reading and there's usually a pretty significant distance of running and then depending on the day I'll top that off with some resistance training and then there's usually a podcast or some educational listening while I'm getting dressed and getting ready to go hit the next round hopefully the balanced beautiful and abundant show is on your rotation you got that right yes what is something you're no longer trying to control hmm aside from other people I would just say outcomes I used to feel like I was responsible for everything that landed on my plate the outcome I had to recognize sometimes you just can't control it

54:07I like to say I'm in the action business and God is in the results business so I love that yes I totally agree what is something that makes you feel abundant hmm okay family I just love spending time with the people in my life that I love and it makes my heartful beautiful what is one word you would use to describe this season of your life exploratory nice what is the best piece of leadership advice you ever received hmm it was probably I feel like I'm going to misquote this but it was don't lose yourself as you start to interact and engage with people who are leader there are folks who are successful and especially when you're getting feedback everyone has an opinion and this is why it's so important to be grounded and know yourself

55:10because folks will start shifting you in different directions and if you ever start moving in the space that doesn't feel authentic to you for too long you just don't want to forget who you are beautiful and closing question Tory if someone remembers only one idea from our conversation today about taking ownership of their life what do you want that idea to be that the experiences that you have that maybe you feel like maybe you feel like you were stuck or defined you in a way that you didn't like that that experience was actually designed to help make you better fantastic well Tory I know my listeners we're going to want to grab your book and stay in touch with you and I know you have a special offer so tell us all all the things your website the book and the exciting offer yes so my website is journeystone.com folks can connect with me on the social platforms is at Tory DeCosta leadership

56:12make sure you put an A in DeCosta and the book can be purchased anywhere that books they're found so you Amazon, Barnes and Noble wherever your favorite book store is and it's available in the hard copy or the hardcover you have the digital or the Kindle version and then there's the audiobook and for your listeners today the first five people that go to journeystone.com backslash events and fill out the form they will get a free audiobook oh wow that's exciting I think I'm going to go grab that audiobook there's only going to be four left guys so you better jump on it well Tory thank you so much for being a guest on the show and thank you listeners for going on the journey with me that you can achieve success and joy in life through alignment not the hustling grind and until we meet again keep your by pie and magnetize by everyone

57:18so excited to share a review from Melissa Myers the Globe Girl she says inspiring podcast Rebecca has a gift for creating meaningful and powering conversation that leave you feeling inspired and uplifted balance beautiful abundant is like sitting down with a wise soulful friend who truly wants you to thrive in every area of your life I love how she blends practical advice with spiritual insight I'm so grateful I found it well Melissa we're so grateful that you found us and we can't wait to find out how you are glowing and growing using this podcast as a tool and everybody who is listening and sharing thank you so much for your support and it's such a joy to be on this journey with you