The Chemistry of Love: John Gray on Hormones, Attraction & Lasting Passion

0:00Never love it on the back, let's go Set the pace, watch the seal of the show Higher ground, here I'm rising fast This is my moment, it's built to last Keep the focus, keep the drive No emotion, I'm alive Power searching, K tonight I'm a unstoppable type of sky Never love it, yeah this is the fight Feel the rush, can't kill the strong Eyes ahead, I'm moving strong This is the anthem, let's sing along Today's guess is one of the most influential Relationship experts of our time I'm so excited We have John Gray today on the Balance Beautiful And a abundant show, welcome John to the show Happy to be with you, a delish

1:01Yay, well let me tell you if you're not aware of who he is Which almost everybody I'm sure is But if you're not, John Gray is the author of the iconic book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus This was the number one best seller of the 1990 And a book that USA Today named the most influential of the last quarter century His work has been translated into approximately 45 languages And has reached readers in over 100 countries So he is a worldwide phenomenon He's written more than 20 books Including the iconic Beyond Mars and Venus He just wrote a new book that we're going to dive into today Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for Women only And John Gray has spent his entire life helping Men and Women understand each other Communicate more effectively and create healthier and more fulfilling relationships

2:01John has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, the Today Show, Good Morning America CBS this morning, and the Doctor Oz Show And he has been featured in major publications like Time Forbes USA Today In People Magazine Today we're going beyond Mars and Venus talk We're going to talk about what men and women are still misunderstanding about each other Why high achieving women struggle and love Masked and feminine energy Four months chemistry and midlife dating And truly what makes love last John, I'm so honored to have you as a guest on the Balance Beautiful and a Bunnett Show Let's dive in So John, more than 30 years after writing Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus What do you believe you got the most right and what have you learned about men and women since writing the book? Almost everything I say in that book is still true It just applies to more traditional relationships

3:02But as soon as we shifted gears and the world changed And women became, we might say more independent I would say more on their masculine side Because look at every person has a male and female side But we are men and we are women And it turns out biologically when we're stressed You can look at women are making too many male hormones and not enough female hormones And when a woman is stressed When a man is stressed he's making too many female hormones and not male hormones So let's take an example of that It kind of blows people's minds because we have always thought the opposite When a man is angry or aggressive or mean We always think, oh he's just high testosterone guy Like testosterone is the bad guy Actually what's happening at that moment, whenever a man is misbehaving His testosterone is low and his estrogen is high It's the opposite It's the opposite, it's the opposite And for women it's, now we got to turn it around

4:03Whenever a woman is stressed Unhappy, overwhelmed Or disconnected from joy and happiness And love When she's disconnected she's more on her male side And not enough on her female side Nothing wrong with being on your male side If you can stay balanced And of course this is the balanced beautiful abundant show And part of being balanced is Connecting to the beautiful part of your femininity Soft, kinder, gentler But also clearer about what you want But knowing how to communicate in a way That takes into consideration How this is, how what I'm saying is being heard Women have that extra awareness When they're on their female side of Okay I want to be careful about how I'm going to be heard But without an understanding of men and women She doesn't understand the language that men need And sometimes she has to become like sweet and nice And nicely, nicely That's not who she is Maybe sometimes she feels that But that doesn't work with men either But she thinks the only way I can get what I want

5:04Is to be sweet and nice No, be real, be authentic But learn the language How to communicate in a way that a man will hear And in relationships with that language Learn how to get what you want and need most You won't get everything you want Nobody gets everything they want But you have to value What's most important to me And for me it's so fun to be on your show Because balance is everything In my mind, highest value And of course the woman I pick Beauty has to be her value And I have very beautiful wife And I'm very grateful for that And you've been married to your wife for how many years Well I married to Bonnie for 34 years She died, okay Oh I'm so sorry A cancer daughter And now I'm remarried For six years And very very happy And what's interesting My wife said to me at one point after I married This is well, who do you love more Bonnie or me I said sweetheart I love you so much

6:04I love Bonnie so much And you're so lucky because You get more love than Bonnie got Because healing, grieving for two years After Bonnie died Opened my heart even more And a good grieving process That's changed your life And so I am so much more grateful And appreciate if I love my wife has for me And not that I wasn't with Bonnie It's just going up way more Because often we value what we lose You know, I remember when I was a I'm a writer and back in the day Your computer could crash And we didn't have all these backup systems And I could be working on something That was kind of like frustrating And it wasn't that good in my mind Because as a writer you have to like Be critical things and then improve it You know, it's a whole process And so I would be in the process of being critical of it And then my computer would crash And then suddenly that was the best thing I've ever written I can't believe it You know, this is just When we experience loss What happens is we can feel And when we can fully feel

7:05Then our heart can open And we can then fully feel the positive in our life And for the women in the show Because a lot of the women listening today Are Perry Minipaus, Minipaus, beyond that To fully feel Requires your body to make Estro Dial And your body stops making automatically Estro Dial At Minipaus and beyond And you can still make Estro Dial You just have to learn Nobody teaches this They're giving women hormones That's not my lane So I have nothing to comment on it But what But my friends who give hormones They say, hey, if you can teach women to make it themselves Certainly lifestyle is so important Well for me, it's not just lifestyle It's relationship skills Because when a woman Has certain relationship skills in her life It will stimulate Estro Dial in her body And she will have those young women's hormones And she will also have plenty of the older women's Harm, more mature women's hormones Which is Estro Estro gives a woman the ability to not worry so much

8:07She will feel like I can do it more I can do it myself It tends to You make Estro when you're feeling I don't think I don't depend on anybody I don't need anybody I can do it myself And so you say very, very, very independent women As they get into Minipaus I don't need anybody What they don't realize is that feeling I need help Is what produces Estro Dial So this is the If you look at this when women can look back and see When they were cycling When they had the most romance Would be about five days Getting closer to ovulation At ovulation Your body has to make Twice as much Estro Dial Which would be about 20 times more than a man Is to make At 20 times more Not double 20 times more Estro Dial And Estro Dial gets produced when you feel I need help And it's available So your most romantic moments Is where somebody's giving you help And you don't have to do it yourself So when I teach romance for couples I say, men take her somewhere Where people are helping her all the time

9:08They're They're doing the shopping for her They're preparing the meal for her They're cleaning up after her They've prepared a bedroom for her The sheets are clean for her She doesn't have to worry about cleaning She doesn't have to worry about anything Everything's done for her That's romance You know, and it's a question for me Understanding romance If I go to a nice hotel I used to travel the world with Bonnie And And we go to these nice places They come out to pick up the bags I picked up the bags I said no, I can carry it all myself And I would carry the bags For my wife and myself Why did I do that? Because anytime I do something to help my wife Do something that she doesn't want to do herself Estro Dial gets produced We're ready to make a lovely get to the room Because I carry the bags So the dynamic is understanding Relationships stimulate different hormones If your relationship is to your work You're making money Your employees Your boss Your bottom line Your clients You're making testosterone It's you're serving other people

10:08That's testosterone You're achieving goals You're making money So testosterone makes you feel good Makes you feel powerful But what has been shown scientifically Is that when a woman Is making more testosterone And she's not making enough estrogen Her body will be in a state of stress So this is just measurable If a woman has low estrogen And high testosterone According to what normal standard are For what a normal standard You can look it up Okay, you don't have to look at the number You can just look at your mood But when you One of the ways to understand hormones Is compare it with men So comparably with men I need to make 10 times more testosterone Than a woman Otherwise I will be stressed And when I'm stressed I could be either angry Irritable I can be procrastinating I can be passive I can be moody Any of those qualities you don't like in men It's always Low testosterone

11:09And if there's If there's kind of aggression With it If there's anger with it Then it's estrogen is high So high feminine hormone Low male hormone With the worst of men But for women It's the opposite When women are overwhelmed And feeling stressed And no time for themselves Their testosterone is high Their estrogen is low And it can also be That her testosterone isn't even that high To measure it But she's doing things to generate testosterone So sometimes testing is not always going to work Because another thing happens As you get older And for women who've gone through menopause And have a lot of hot flashes And have a lot of changes And it was very difficult For some women That's the case It's primarily because She has what's called adrenal burnout Adrenal burn-in Per- So when you actually measure hormones It's very inconclusive If you're certain extent Because adrenal burnout Will mean You're not making a lot of testosterone Or estrogen But again You're doing things To make testosterone

12:10As opposed to doing the things That would produce estrogen And it's always the things That produce estrogen Is where you're depending on others To help you Where you feel I have support The What I feel I have enough time So for women What I have to work and take away Is this From this day on Make sure you've got extra time Scheduled every day To do something you like doing So don't rush Because when you rush That creates Adrenaline And testosterone And give yourself enough time to get places That's something that I'm working on It's not brushing around everywhere Very very important Rushing is And it's also Again because it makes Astrodial When you're When you're able to have Plenty of time Then you'll feel like I have abundance of the support I need Go to a doctor You know This way women will tend to Four to one will go to doctors We men will relate to Really We can't We're in a lot of pain

13:10They will go Okay, so they go Women are like Preventing And they're going to their doctors And what Because any time you go to someone For help that you trust You make extra dial Okay The whole dynamic for women And of course For competent, capable women It's so hard to find a man That you can be attracted to Because there is a universal truth Which I did not invent But I see to be true Which is that women always marry up Is that true? I don't think I married up on my first marriage I think I married down Did you think that when you got marriage? Yes, I was 41 And I was like I'd better get married now if I ever want to have kids I say the logic of that Well, you married up to somebody who could provide for you Because he was able to do something You couldn't do for yourself True I think it's past tense So that really didn't last very long Correct It did not It only lasted three years For women who have successful marriages

14:11But what is that? You have to be able to feel I admire this man Because he has qualities That inspire me Or can provide something for me That I can't provide for myself So there's a whole dynamic of history It's called hypergamy Which means that Women would be younger To older men And if you look at this right now The studies by the dating apps and everything This is we just have to look at reality Not what I'm saying Is it So women's highest value to a man Is when she's up to about age 2223 When they look at what a man attracted to That's their highest value Your attract is something And a man's highest value is now 50 Used to be 40 Now it's even 50 According to the apps Because what women want Is someone who can make their life better Now my my granddaughter is 20 years old I'm having a conversation with her And she's talking I don't need a man What do I need a man for I'm doing my own life And she doesn't That's the time Where you want to find your independence

15:13And you want to be free And you want to educate yourself And then you get to a point Where then Where you know yourself And you can be happy Then my suggestion Is you look to a man To make you happier You stop looking to a man To do the traditional things Of being a provider And protecting me Whatever A little bit of that has to be there But to the extent That you can do that for yourself Then a man gets no credit for that And so if a man gets no credit for that He's not attracted to you Right He's not a tenure They want to feel like Men want to feel like they can add to your life Not like you don't I got this I don't need a guy That's That's not attractive to them That's not attractive to them We're going to cut to a quick commercial break And when we come right back We're going to talk about a really interesting statistic That John was sharing with me Before we hit record That 80% of single women Say they don't even want her Nina man So thank you guys so much For being a part of this wonderful show

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20:17Who knows she's meant for even more And is ready to become the woman that truly has it all Imagine feeling strong and energized in your body Deeply connected in your relationships Confident in your purpose Abundant in your finances And peaceful in your own mind This isn't about doing more or hustling harder It's about becoming the elegant warrior A woman who is powerful without pushing And vicious without burning out And successful without sacrificing herself along the way And you'll do it alongside an extraordinary Highly curated group of women who are rising with you If you're ready to step into the most aligned, abundant version of yourself Go to the link in the show notes and apply for elegant warrior training Welcome back everyone I am interviewing iconic author pop culture star John Gray And John you were telling me before we hit record

21:18A really interesting statistic That 80% of women say they don't even want To be in a relationship And this led you to write a new book So let's have the conversation about the statistic You share with me before the show And how that led to your newest book Well I've been reading For the last 20 years I hear from more and more single women We'll say I don't really need a man I don't need a man What do I need a man for? And now it's actually the statistic has come out 80% of women are saying that I'm not even going to date I'm not interested in having a relationship So what's going on there? I mean this is not a big problem So I wrote this book which is An advanced version of men of from Mars Women from Venus for women only And it's literally And I also wrote this book Because so many women would read men of from Mars And they'd often say Well my husband doesn't read it, it won't work And yet I've been counseling for 40 years Without men in the room Just a woman in the room And it works So So the whole goal of this book

22:20Is without a man reading this book Although it would be wonderful if you read it It's just more understanding and so forth You can get more in a relationship with a man And for women, particularly women who are over 40 It's so important for you to recognize That your needs have changed What you need primarily Is a different kind of support So you'll continue making extra dial the rest of your life And that kind of support is the recognition Of oh I can provide from my survival I can provide from my security I'm free and independent Then to balance I'm free and independent I basically have certain needs That a man can provide Any man can provide really This is like so easy when you understand Once you're accomplished woman And you don't need a person Then what do you need? You need emotional support You kind of emotional support Which doesn't look like the support you get from a girlfriend See when women start feeling this

23:21I have a lach inside I need to come back to my female side I need to make more female hormones I need to make extra dial A 22 year old girl makes tons of extra dial Which is why men are attracted to it Because extra dial is basically saying I need help I need somebody to help me And so support me And you're 40 years old You don't need that much You can take care of yourself But you're quiet moments When you're alone at home You feel like you're missing something And so what is it that you're missing In many cases It's what a man can provide It's a new kind of emotional support And how to get that new kind of emotional support The first step is you have to be able to know what it is Because often women don't know You know I could be sick with the flu And I don't know that I need vitamin D Simple as that If I'm deficient in sunshine I'm going to get sick every winter So I need more sunshine So But people get sick all the time Because they don't know what they need Somebody has to point out to them So I'm pointing out to women that work with What you need is a man who's devoted to you

24:22Devotion It's just a lead devotion Women want to be claimed You know in the dating scene And we can talk about the apps and everything There's so much abundance of choice And women are expendable to men And they want to be claimed They want a man to say This is it You're my girl Like let's set your mind Set That's right And I'm totally into you And you can Every man wants to claim a woman He wants it to be mine You know this is the sweetest thing that can happen When you actually can build up your estradiol for making love That's the only time a man's Mirror neurons open up where he can claim you So this is biological thing inside of men Which is that if you look at the brain Women's brains have this mirror neurons This is science the last eight years Women's mirror neurons are open all the time That means you're in touch with feelings And you can feel what other people feel Men's Empathy So empathy is a big mirror neuron thing And also your happiness

25:23If you're happy I'm happy Right? If you're happy I'm happy All right And if you're sad I feel sad And want to do something for you And I want to help you All right so for men Their mirror neurons are closed Almost all the time The only time they open fully Is when a man's turned on And physically attracted to a woman And she's physically attracted to him It's not it's a mutual thing A lot of times men are turned on to a woman He thinks she's turned on She's not okay But if he's thinking it His mirror neurons are going to start to open And allows him to fully feel Your love And when he can fully feel your love Then he becomes devoted to you A man Becomes devoted when he recognizes Let's say I'm hungry Let's say I'm thirsty And I don't know it So many people are snacking Because they're really thirsty And they don't know it You can just go drink water Exactly, John Gray That's why I'm drinking all this water During her interview That's right If you see what we think I need to snack I need this No, your hunger is really thirst

26:24Yeah A lot of times women have desires But they're missing what they really What they really need And so I'm trying to point out Is that for modern women Who are more independent More successful More accomplished Or just simply menopausal The way to produce estrogen dial Is to come back to your female side By finding meaningful situations Where you need help You can't do it for yourself It's the best help Or at least getting something You don't want to do You don't like to do So you feel I'm getting help But you have to The first step is Where do I need help Well, in my work with women Who are not making estrogen dial What is the number one thing That produces estrogen dial Is when women can connect with negative emotions This is what therapy does A good therapist will help a woman Get in touch with her negative emotions To talk about them When you identify your negative emotions And let them go You have to feel it And then let it go So if ever you're feeling

27:26In a flat and life Usually you're disappointed You're frustrated You're angry about something And to be able to feel it And then go a little deeper And feel it And go a little deeper And feel it Because if ever you're angry You're always afraid If ever you're afraid You're always also angry Because something's not happening The way you would like But we all have blocks to our feelings And one of the easiest blocks for women Is to ignore your feelings And some of the symptoms of ignoring your feelings Would be overeating That would one Or any form of addiction But using Her women commonly It's overeating Or forgiving You know The woman who's just giving Everybody all this time So she doesn't have to look inside herself And she becomes exhausted She becomes resentful Because she's not getting what she She becomes burned out Yeah, she's burned out They dump all the things So how do you coach women To give to themselves first So they can be in their feminine energy And they can be attractive to men

28:28Because a burned out Exhausted depleted woman Is not going to be attractive She's barely And she's not making estridial Estridial gets women double the energy So when your Estrone doesn't give you energy A lot of energy Estridial helps you to burn fat Okay, this is the way women are built Is to put on like a little bit more fat When When For pregnancy At At ovulation Your estridial will double And you will always put on a little extra weight At the point See your body needs that extra energy And But if you can't burn the energy Then you're tired So women have extra fat Some get skinnier, some get fatter But what I want to be able is to Burn the energy of that fat And it gives you a lot of energy And what allows you to do that is astral dial Okay, whenever you feel like I'm getting help So I'm fulfilled I'm fulfilled by others I'm being fulfilled And you can't be filled up Unless you feel the emptiness inside To be filled up

29:28And to be filled up Is to be aware of negative emotions That's one aspect And I have a whole app for that In this book I explain people how to do it What's your app called? Always Mars Venus heart space Nice And it's a It's a way to have me guiding you through Your negative emotions As if you're in a therapy session But it's explained in this book How to do it This is the explanation How to use that He's pointing to the book Women are for Mars Men are for Venus For women only For women only Right? Chapter 9 is all about processing your feelings But before that It's understanding men And recognizing that Once you're not making Once you're more Confident, capable Or you're not making extra dial You have to choose to put yourself in a situation Where you depend on others It's not instinctive For a young woman It's instinctive It's automatic Her body just makes extra dial And you feel like I need more

30:29Okay, this is also why men You say think women are a little crazy Because They'll feel like She's happy and then suddenly five days before ovulation She looks around Says I'm missing something Okay, I need more And if she gets more She'll be happiest And if she doesn't get more She'll be more unhappy And she'll have complaints and whatever So it's literally what your consciousness is focused on At a certain point Once you get to menopause and beyond Your consciousness is not looking for what Help I need It's looking to yourself To do things And just not looking So you have to recognize With your knowledge If I want to make extra dial Then I have to look for I have to create situations Where I need help Or I need support Where I'm depending on someone To do something for me And if they don't do it for you Then you're going to feel Disappointed, frustrated, Angry, afraid And you say grist for the meal Because when you process those emotions Depending on somebody And not getting what you need That actually makes extra dial

31:30Hmm Okay, so this is why You're rejected Like when you've asked for help And you didn't get it And you're sad And you're like Yes Nobody loves me Nobody wants to help me I'm all that myself That produces extra dial That's all extra dial And more extra dial If you can process Now process is what a therapy What therapists would do with you Which is to identify Name the emotions So anytime you're hurting inside You're feeling rejected You're feeling abandoned You feel giving up Or why bother Any of that stuff The emotions And there will always be some anger Some sadness Some fear And some regret If it's really upsetting There's some shame There's some Being scared You know There's hurt Anytime those emotions It's just different parts of your brain Produce different emotions And so learning how to feel those emotions To let them go So if you ever If you keep them secret From yourself That's pushing them down It will continue to Numb your life out

32:31So you want to be aware of those But you have to learn How to identify them And a lot of people Talk about this in terms of Healing your inner child Okay So basically I'm going to be a loving partner And hear me It can be a You have to be the Hear what's going on inside of you Before a man can hear what's going on inside of you And that's connection You have to connect with that part of you And you can The process helps women to feel it And let it go And then Step out of your comfort So and reach out again Keep going Keep going on dates That's the whole thing Is it You've got to put yourself out there In danger A date is always a potential of rejection Yeah Go out there and you have rejection But you know I think about some women over 15 They'll say I don't want to date Because I just don't want to get naked with another man That's true They're so conscious But Of course Dr. John Gray Mendo Mendo just so happy to be with a naked woman They're not like Oh my god She's got an extra fat role there And she's got cellulite there

33:32They're just thrilled to be naked with a woman Right Absolutely Women do not understand how we don't care You know my wife today Yes Was putting Yes they put on makeup I don't need makeup Funny I just Give me a naked woman With the lights down It's all blind Let's just hug and touch And whatever And I have a lot of stories about that You know But it's the dynamic Is But what's Healthy for women Don't point out to the man Do you see the satellite Do you think I'm fat How can you look No he doesn't even notice any of that stuff And and if he does notice He pushes it away And then he forgets totally When you're close In your naked When you're naked It's a whole different set of hormones inside of a man And women just don't realize I'm important that Bonerability of a woman is And getting naked is another danger And therefore It will produce astrodial But going out in the day And the dating world You don't have to have sex with men As a lot of pressure On people to have sex You don't have to Men

34:33That is like The worst thing you could do Is have sex with the man right away Like Yes The worst thing Thanks for playing Next contest And please So How long do you think women should wait To have sex with the man They're really interested in I think at three months Yeah I think the good amount time And depending if you spend some regular time With the person Where he can bond with you first See men When they have sex with you They don't bond with you They're in and out They're gone Okay But if he has conversations with you Where you think he's brilliant Or he thinks you're brilliant And you appreciate each other And help each other Mentally Emotionally He's doing things for you Not you doing things for him The whole thing for women Is to realize men bond When he does something for you Not when you do something for him Sounds harsh Sounds Like he says What do you want to do Don't ask him What does he want to do Forget about him What men want more Is to feel I've provided something For a woman to make her happier The whole dance Is learning how to give

35:33Less to men And let men give more to you And he's happy with that You know Happy wife Happy life You know You know People don't say happy man Happy wife No And Basically Where hormones are set up Is that when I do something for her And she feels good Or happier Whether I become more whole Because when I'm doing something My testosterone goes up When I'm connecting with her feelings Of happiness or joy Or sorrow If I'm connecting to her With my mirror neurons open My estrogen goes up But my testosterone is high That's what orgasm is By the way Orgasm is for men Or woman Is when they're Estrogen and testosterone hit peak levels Nice Peak levels And so But it doesn't have to be orgasm It's just happiness and bonding And attraction That's automatic If he's more masculine And she is more feminine And as women get older They become more masculine And men naturally become more feminine Their testosterone levels go down Women's ester dial turns into estrone

36:35But That's if you don't do anything about it That's just aging Okay I'm 74 Actually 75 And my My My testosterone is 50% higher than I was a young man And if you measured it right now It would be maybe 100% Double or triple Okay Just because I understand As a man I never complain I never wine I don't I don't ever blame If I If I blame I immediately blame myself You know this is all part of masculinity Unbelievable I Accountability And then I also do other healthy things for myself And I don't take hormones For women it's more about staying in touch With your emotions And being able to express them in a safe way Where somebody can hear you The key here If you share your negative emotions with the man And he feels you're blaming him And you're sharing negative emotions To get in the change I'll allow you're a martyr Or you're feeling hurt Because of him And now you want him to change That just shuts him down

37:36That just lowers his testosterone And it doesn't raise your estrogen Let's pause here Because what you're about to talk about I think is going to be really good For after the commercial break We're going to talk about What erodes chemistry And in saturation And the spark of a long term relationship So thank you everyone for listening to the show Thank you John Gray For being a guest We're going to be right back After this quick commercial break And you're not going to want to miss this next segment What if your dream retreat really existed And you got to help create it If you're a high achieving woman Who's been doing all the things I need your help I'm planning my next luxury wellness retreat And I don't want to create what I think women want I want to create what you actually dream about Tell me what's your dream destination What activities would light you up What feels like the perfect investment And how many days would help you

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39:38It's about creating space and becoming magnetic To the connection you truly desire Get the details and book your complimentary reset call in the show notes Okay everyone This is the question that you've all wanted me to ask There are many people who listen to the show Who are in long-term committed relationships But they're more like roommates or best friends John Gray, how do they get that spark back How do they get back into their masculine and feminine energy So that they can feel that lust and desire again So I have only 10 minutes to give that answer And this is the most important issue that we can change the world If we could do this and we can So I'm going to give you the answer And but you have to be able to communicate this to a man And you have to understand why it is the answer If I just said take vitamin D Why do I take vitamin D? You have to understand why

40:40So I can't fill in the gap I'm going to tell you the techniques The techniques this how it looks like This is from my wife Bonnie and I had great sex to the day she almost to the last year before she died I had great sex Okay so and with my wife now as well So where does it come from? Here are skills to fall in love again and again and again and again Biology says when you're with the same person over and over and over Within three years you habituate It's like if you hear a song over and over and over You'll be sick of it This is from habituation it just doesn't spark the dopamine Why dopamine is important to spark is because when a man experiences dopamine His testosterone goes high When a woman experiences dopamine And the relationship where she feels a man is making it safe for her She experiences dopamine and she feels She has she feels supported Her estrogen levels will double they would just shoot up That's what that's what dopamine does Dopamine is like free drugs to produce testosterone and estrogen

41:40After a few years it's gone And so a certain extent we sort of keep going down down down to familiarity And routine and nothing new Dopamine doesn't get produced And your testosterone estrogen levels automatically go down Unless you compensate and you have rituals That actually increase testosterone in men And increase estrogen in women And what produces testosterone in men What produces estrogen in women That then creates attraction So you keep having sex That's another important part of keeping your hormones healthy as regular sex So how to create polarity So my marriage one of the ways we create polarity Is every day my wife's going to take at least 10 minutes And she's going to put up 10 fingers Even if I'm really tired and just watching TV Won't be every day every other day She'll just do this instantly I will stop Because I've committed to give her 10 minutes every day What man will not give his wife 10 minutes every day So anytime pick anytime I can be rast tired

42:42And if she says two hands up that means I'm going to do something for her for 10 minutes And what is it? She's just going to talk about her day And express as best she can Emotions about her day Anytime a woman expresses emotion A man's mirror and her arms open up As long as She or negative emotions are not about him She has positive emotions it can be about him But there's negative emotions It can't be where he would hear it and feel blamed Because a man's mirror and her arms open up When he feels needed And not blamed And you can explain to a man You know I'm kind of stressed that I just want to talk I just want you to listen You don't have to say anything It's not about you You don't have to do anything I'm just going to update you on some of the disasters of the day And I'm going to be vulnerable and share things That would never share with anybody else See this is secret All women hide a whole world of judgmentalness Jealousies and securities Doubt, self-blame And you hold it inside

43:43For 10 minutes you're going to do your best To reveal what's ever going on inside of you As if your partner was an expert therapist Therapists I know this goes on inside of women Because I ask the right questions and whatever But what you do is you ease into it 10 minutes you kind of talk about what's going on in your life And you get a kind of attention that you've never felt before Because you're talking about problems And you've told them I don't want you to solve it I don't need you to solve it I'm just needing to have somebody listen to me Who loves me Who doesn't say anything Every man, no man will turn that job down Yeah I've been like a dinner and I was like I gotta go watch TV I'm really exhausted today I don't want to talk And she'll say She'll do this And I know I look at the clock I said okay 10 minutes I have instant energy See when women talk we don't have a goal If there's no problem we can solve Our testosterone crashes Or we don't know how long she's going to talk Our testosterone crashes That's one technique Venus talk I gave you some of the details on it Gotta read the book to make it all happen

44:43Love it I love it 10 minutes All right Next 10 Next is five minutes This is a 10 minute Occasionally a few times a week Or whenever needed Yeah Five minutes is the five minute ask The five minute ask this really If you do this every day You have a conversation I teach you how to have the conversation So any man will do it So I'm not gonna get that full of here You just put your hand up this And you're gonna ask him to do something for you That takes less than five minutes That you would normally do for yourself Or you normally would never ask for Cause that's the danger of it It has to be danger That he immediately saves the day Wow One of the dynamics with estrogen To understand this Is with estrogen I can give you 50 roses And you'll get this much estrogen I can give you one rose You'll get the same amount of estrogen Say it's not bigger is better On Venus every act of love Bigger small has the same effect And you know If you're mad at your partner Nothing's gonna work But the biology is such That doing little things for a woman Reminds her

45:44That he's available to her That he's there for her That's just a subconscious feeling And men go into the cave a lot Where you're just not available And that makes that lowers that causes stress And women even if they understand he's in his cave So you have to compensate for that So occasionally even if he's in his cave He's sort of body He's really focused on something You would never interrupt him You go into the smile and you put up your hand Knowing this is gonna make him feel good And you feel good So here's an example of how My wife occasionally does I'll be in bed almost asleep And she'll walk in with him Smile on her face Put her hand up And I'll say what is it And she'll say would you get me a glass of warm water We're right away I jump out of bed I run to get the glass of water Come back No resentment Because I've agreed to this And I know it stops a woman's brain From Ruminating See, rumination is women It's like a snowball coming down the hill I have to do this I have to do this I have to do all it takes Is something you have to do And he immediately says I'll do that for you And you have full confidence He wants to do it

46:45He will do it And why will he do it Because it only takes less than five minutes And he knows it will put a smile on your face So that's the five minute ask Another one is learning the art of not complaining Oh, that is such a good art I study that art every day It's a challenge Yeah, because the opposite of complaint is a request So you have a request Because every complaint is a bad Bad request It's like using unhappiness To get a man to do something Instead of being happy And then asking for more So the subtitle of this book is Be happy with or without a man When you find your happiness without a man Then what do you go to a man for To become happier And the way you become happier If you're already pretty much happy Is you have him do things a little bit more Not he has to have to do it all He just has to make you happier And these little things I teach Now here's before you run out of time This is another one We've got five more minutes

47:45We're good Well, I have so many Oh, we know it's so like extra 10 minutes Because this is fascinating Let's go Another one is just things that you Things that you Communicate with your partner You agree on these things See these are little requests you make And this will help I mean you say this as a woman This is going to help me relax Enjoy sex when I'm sex with you I have to make this hormone estro dial And I'm making estro And it's not automatic So these things will help me You can help me Men want to help women And if he thinks this is going to Make you want to have sex with him He's really going to be motivated And not that you have that sex with him But it's going to Produce the happiness the extra Estro dial So here's another one For hugs a day You don't initiate those You initiate the five minute ask But the for hugs a day Is simply him on his own initiative First thing in the morning Finding you Leaving Finding you You leave I want to give you a hug before you go I want to come You know when you come home Where are you? I want to find you right away

48:46Before the TV Before anything else These are little moments that say You're my priority I see you I hear you I'm there for you Okay, so these are the for hugs a day A hug needs to be a hug It's eight seconds at least Eight seconds A nice squeeze where he puts his arm around her She's on the inside He's the he's the protector He arms around her It takes about six, seven, eight seconds For a woman her body would just relax And because he initiated it She'll make estrogen And because Hugs will produce oxytocin And so it's a stress reducer And it's his job And she has to remind him If he doesn't do it But honey Sometimes you forget I really like the I really like those for hugs a day And then he'll remember again So that's one The for hugs a day Then one of those On one of those hugs And doesn't have to be every day Because it can get a little routine But this is But you have to do it regularly In the beginning At least a few times a week During the hug She initiates the reassurance exercise

49:47Now this is her couples who love each other They just don't feel the attraction anymore You know, the routine What she does We say let's do the reassurance exercise And he will always say Yes, it only takes a minute from the do It's the one minute exercise But it's the women who resist doing it Just let you know And but my clients pay me a lot of money Just to get them to do this stuff It's kind of like a trade In fact, I remind This is what you gotta do Okay, so And uh So The reassurance exercise is a script You just follow the script The script is she says Do you like me? He says yes Do you love me? He says yes She says how much do you love me I love you with all my heart Then she says And do you think I'm beautiful You are so beautiful I love you so much That's it Real simple script And he says those words You see that's inside of men That they need to be warmed up to it Just like there's an orgasm in his heart You want them to say that script every day

50:50While the husband Every time No, no, after the hug We did finish the hug And after we're at she can then favor So are we gonna do four eight Did you see that? We're gonna do four hugs a day Four nine And then one of those hugs Every other day Every two days Whatever I'm not a little bit random on that One a few times a week She says after the hug Let's do the reassurance exercise Our process Okay And then you both know what it is It takes one minute It's kind of like Give me a neck massage Give me a foot massage Which by the way Other things you can ask for Okay, that's This is like In your 10 minutes you do this Honey, would you get the lavender oil And give me a foot massage Right And run And say and run There's something thrilling for a woman To see a man run To do something for her Yeah It's like a little game you play Just like you would go to Get a massage therapist Which we're doing the things It will stimulate in her These hormones So You know women didn't always need this Because in the history People women lived in danger

51:51And all a man had to do A stand guard And when he came in She was ready to have sex Okay And I've seen this as well I've done an Amazon There's no fences There's dangers Wild animals And then we'll go and get the animals If a woman says we're in danger So because she's aware of that danger And she's aware of man is Providing that She will be able to continue having great sex And they do These natives who don't go on dates Or anything They just have lines and tigers And she feels great And guys have more muscle And they're out there doing stuff And sweating for women And there's men's jobs Women's jobs Now we sort of intersected There's good to that But also it can kill the passion So these are things To sort of bring back the plery Of a man Doing things for her A woman feeling A man is always available For her And this is I'm going to do this The 10 minute The 5 minute The 4 hogs The reassurance Let's wrap this up With some fun Rapid fire questions Are you ready? Yep What makes a man feel most loved?

52:54Desired in the bedroom Ooh What makes a woman feel most loved? Respect Devotion Carrying Chemistry or compatibility? Who cares about compatibility if there's chemistry? Chemistry creates compatibility Ooh, I like that One habit every couple should practice Regular hugs And listening Man listening to the woman Not so much women listening to men Of course, if he's talking, listen But don't encourage it Biggest misconception women have about men Oh, that we're narcissists That we don't love them That we only care about ourselves That we're selfish Men are the selfless beings on the planet Women care about themselves all the time Men go off to battle and will die for women Not judging women at all I'm glad she needs my help Okay, that's what makes become alive Biggest misconception that men have about women

53:55That they're crazy As a woman See, whenever a woman produces a adrenaline Blood flow leaves her prefrontal cortex And goes to the emotional part of the brain So her emotions are not always logical Okay, there's some logic to it of course But you can measure this And the brain blood flow leaves the logical part of the brain To the emotional part of the brain Now does that mean women can't be logical? No, women can If they're in a work setting They will suppress those emotions But in a safe setting Those emotions will come up And she will overreact the things And then we'll think what's wrong with her Instead of going she's perfectly normal She's a woman They're more sensitive I want her to react more with feeling Because that's why I enjoy the love that she has in her heart She's more sensitive And that sensitivity allows her to be upset about things But it also allows her to appreciate When she's getting what's most important to her Can you meet your soulmate after age 50? Absolutely There's no question about it And I will say there can be many soulmates

54:56Okay Yes, I agree Because I know my wife now is a soulmate My wife before was a soulmate And my marriage The first marriage I had for two years And a certain way we were soulmates To learn To how to make all the mistakes You know, you make mistakes It was like a lesson, perfect lesson Relationship You might say what were those lessons for me It was I was more on the feminine side She was more on the masculine side And so within a couple of years I could lie in bed to a beautiful woman Naked and had no arousal No interest, no excitement Nothing And I thought how is this even possible And then I realized This time I gradually learned The lack of polarity And so with Bonnie She was already on her female side I was already on my male side And there's a lot of polarity And then now there's a lot of polarity That is great All right, last question Finish this sentence Lasting love requires Like, lasting love requires Lasting love requires Increasing wisdom To understand how many women are different

55:59So we can provide the love that we want to share Beautiful Oh my god, this interview was so good Thank you so much, John Gray How can people get your next book Your app, find you online Go ahead and tell us all the ways to connect with you Well, this new book for women only is an Amazon So you just do a minute for Mars For women only Just say that it will come up In chapter 9 it explains how to use the app And the app is at Oh, the app store is its Mars Venus heart space And so that's an app that people can use to practice It helps, it's just a learning guide To help practice how to process Negative emotions And come back to love My website is marasvenus.com And there we have classes And our most popular one for women over 40 Is understanding men And that is My daughter teaches that We wrote it together And then she delivers it And it's a six week class A bunch of structured video tapes

57:00And frequently asked questions And exercises And it's a fun course for women Fantastic Well, thank you John Gray for all the wisdom You've contributed to everlasting love And thank you listeners For going on the journey with me And supporting the show I know you know someone who's going to benefit Dramatically from this information So don't forget to share a link to the show And remember that you can achieve success in a line And happiness through alignment Not the hustling grind And until we meet again Keep your vibe high And magnetize Bye everyone So excited to share a review From Melissa Myers the Globe Girl She says inspiring podcast Rebecca has a gift for creating meaningful and powering conversation

58:01That leave you feeling inspired and uplifted Balance, beautiful, abundant Is like sitting down with a wise soulful friend Who truly wants you to thrive in every area of your life I love how she blends practical advice with spiritual insight I'm so grateful I found it Well, Melissa, we're so grateful that you found us And we can't wait To find out how you are glowing and growing By using this podcast as a tool And everybody who is listening and sharing Thank you so much for your support And it's such a joy to be on this journey with you