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What's going everybody welcome back to the show
This episode we are picking up where we left off on the last episode
Which is talking about how to be a better friend if you've been following along in the last couple of days
We've been talking about the loneliness epidemic. We're talking about the
Terrible terrible consequences that come from being loaned the increase in all cosmortality
Less likelihood of living a long and happy and fulfilled life
There's so many bad things that come from this loneliness epidemic that we didn't even expect when we started diving deep into the
Research here, but now that we're into it
It's also like you know what once you see it you can't unsee it
So well, how do we go build better friends?
Well, one of the best ways to do that is to first of all become a better friend yourself
So that is what we're talking about on this episode
We started off last episode talking about facilitating experiences that are right for memories so that you can build
Build experiences build memories together with other people
Which is something that enriches those friendships and those relationships
But how can we be a better friend as we continue this conversation and real quick on the facilitating experiences thing
People tend to just have a lot of stuff going on in their lives
So if you're friend if you find that your friend group like most of the time what I've found
Personally is that it's not a matter of people just don't want to spend time together
It's just a matter that it's a matter that nobody puts anything together
So there's no like excuses to go hang out or go do anything
So if you happen to meet a friend group where that tends to be the case then somebody needs to take charge of the friend group and just say
Hey, we're planning this thing for this time and we're going here and here's what we're doing
And what I found most of the time is like whenever I've done that everybody in my life is like thankful that I'm actually putting it together
Because they're like this sounds awesome
We're looking forward to doing this
It's just that nobody else was going to take the time to figure out all the other details
So if it's something that's important to me
I may as well be the one to do that
So be the one in your friend group that builds the experiences
Because everybody's hoping somebody's going to do it, you know what I mean be the person who's willing to just say
You know what why don't we go here and do this and then everybody goes all right? Let's do it
You know don't don't feel like there has to be an occasion to celebrate that doesn't have to be a party
There a birthday or a Christmas or holiday. It doesn't have to be any of those things
They could just be hey next summer and look even if you got to plan it out three years in advance
I understand that I might be in a little bit of a different boat because a lot of my friends do similar things to what I do
We have somewhat flexible schedules. We're entrepreneurs. We have control over our calendar
We can sort of pick up and leave more frequently
But if you're in a friend group where all of you have jobs and it's a little bit more difficult
You got kids in school then it's okay in two summers from now
We're going to plan this epic trip to go do all this stuff together and it might sound ridiculous because you go like well
It's two summers from now. What if you know all these other things might change doesn't matter
Doesn't matter because two summers from now it's going to come and go and if you don't actually put these things in your calendar and
And set up or facilitate these experiences then it's just not going to happen and you're missing out on the enriching experiences
The life has to offer so facilitate experiences right memories next prioritize friendships
Like work or family. We're often encouraged to
Sacrifice time with friends for the sake of work or for the sake of our kids
But we rarely will cancel something for work when we have time scheduled for friendship
Isn't that interesting?
It sort of just tells your friends the number that they are on your priority list and look
I get it life happens and you have to
You you you got to be responsible. You got to be an adult
You got to protect your family provide for your family take care of your family
I understand all of that and work is required in order to do those things and then time with your families
Also required to spend to for the same reasons that it's required for your friendships
So it's not like the problem is is that the problem is that this gets further and further
Down on the priority list
Which is why it just doesn't you just never get any time to be able to do any of those things
And I struggled big time with this one because if you if you have a lot of ambition if you have a big vision for your life if you're on a mission
then it feels
Like we get used to sacrifice
If you have a lot of ambition and big goals and dreams for your life
You just get used to sacrificing in order in order to achieve some of those things
But you will not sacrifice for
Maintaining or growing friendships and that I think is I think it's going to be a mistake
I think it's one of those things that we're going to look back on
Even if you achieve everything that you set out to achieve
I think that you'll look back on that with some some feeling of regret because
You can't get the time back you can't get
You can't get the
You know when your friends went to this
Cruise for four days and they invited you but you said no because you wanted to stay back and work
And then you made a habit of doing that over two decades and then
You're catching up with some friends and a couple decades from now after you've achieved everything that you wanted to achieve
And then your friends are talking about all these different memories and experiences and all these other things that they spent
Together and you start realizing that you sacrificed
All of the best and closest from meaningful relationships in your life for the sake of achieving something
And my
Challenge to you is just to question whether or not that is going to be a worthy decision
If your future self will thank you for making that decision or if your future self will not thank you for that decision
Because I think probably the I think probably the majority population potentially struggles with the opposite end where they
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I want to say no to anything and they get this epic fear of missing out and then all of a sudden they're just out
They don't do anything like cooler interesting or different or unique
They just go to the same bar and drink with the same friends
Four nights a week and spend all their excess money and time drinking and and doing nothing
That to me is is different
Okay
But I'm talking to the people who listen to this show who are typically the ambitious folks who want more out of life
And while sacrifice is required in order to be able to get more out of life
You also should be purposefully scheduling time in your calendar to make sure
That you are not sacrificing your deepest friendships along the way and especially if you're a dude
For men this I think is especially true
Because women women just have higher emotional intelligence than men do
And tend to stay connected to their friends more often than men's taking it to their friends
That's honestly what this gonna sound crazy
But the one thing that I've done for my friendships with a couple of my high school buddies
That we just don't get up the opportunity to hang out a lot
This sounds so silly, but we play Whartle
We play Whartle like every day the New York Times game Whartle
And we just have a continue it's like it's just a thing that it it
prompts conversation on a daily basis with us
Sometimes sometimes we forget for a few days, but you know it's sort of
Every other day sometimes or maybe one person doesn't do it for a week or something
But most of the time we all do the Whartle every day
And we send it into the group chat and we make fun of the person who
guest it in the
Most amount of guesses and then we crown King the person
Who guessed it in the least amount of guesses
And it just prompts some sort of continued connection
With those people in my life because
I feel like guys just aren't the same way
You know, it's like you send funny memes or something like that
But that's not the same thing as some you know level of camaraderie
And I think women are a lot better at this in general
My my wife and her best friend talk constantly and it was funny because recently my wife was
surprising her best friend because she's getting married and she's doing a bachelor trip
And so she was figuring out a bunch different surprises to surprise her with because she came out to Vegas for that
and
Because my wife is not the best at keeping secrets especially from me or from her best friend
She leading up to her coming out for this trip
She stopped talking to her as much. She was just like not on her phone as much
She wasn't texting her that much because she was afraid that she was gonna give away the surprises that she had worked hard to build
And I think it was my my daughter
My daughter or my son
Literally asked her like mommy. How come you haven't been texting
Anti for for three days or whatever. It's just funny because it's just a part of what she does
They're always talking about everything. They're catching up on all the most you know
uh
Honest details of each other's lives and you know women are just better at this than men are in general
So I think that's probably why men are experiencing this loneliness epidemic to us more significant degree than women are because it's just more of a natural thing for women
To prioritize relationships and more of a natural thing for men to prioritize achievements
So if you are in this boat if you are a man who is sacrificing friendships for the sake of achieving
Just ask yourself the question if you're if you know, is this something I'm gonna be happy doing long-term
Is this something that I'm going to regret in the future because there's plenty of statistics to suggest
That male adult male friendships for men are really really important for your long-term happiness and overall well-being
And that's comes from somebody who's really really close with my spouse right my wife is probably my best friend for all intents and purposes in terms of
We do everything together and we make decisions together and we watch shows together and we raise our kids together
And she is the most important person in my life and then my kids are are you know two in our number two on that list
but also
I have to get times with the boys
You gotta go get times with the boys and if you're a woman you gotta go get times with the girls
You have to have all of these things in order to be able to live a well-balanced
Happy long fulfilled life. So start prioritizing your friendships
It was a realization for me and I'm not gonna beat this
Point into the ground too much, but I I got cancer a couple years ago and for those who follow the show you know that
And I this was sort of one of those eye-opening moments for me because it was right in the middle of a time
That was really difficult for me in my business really difficult for me in my podcast
I felt disconnected from a lot of people
I was struggling internally in a lot of ways
And we booked a trip to Nashville and it was just me and the boys and I realized
When I booked that trip that I had not
Taken just like a trip like that
in
I mean
I don't even really know how long six seven eight years maybe leading up to that
Meaning that I wasn't I wasn't prioritizing my friendships like anytime
That we would do a trip like that it was more for
Business purposes or or family vacation or memories and just going and hanging out with the boys
It's not something that I had done in a really long time and it I realized it because we're in Nashville
I was coming off of cancer surgery my other friend recently divorced
and I
Realized how important it was to have that time because there was no agenda
There's no business being done
I didn't schedule other work meetings or any podcast interviews while I was there
Which is atypical for me there was no there was no schedule of things that we were doing
It was just me and a few of my friends hanging out
Drinking doing dumb stuff we brought of gaming system and played a bunch of super smash brothers and
Cooked up some stakes and just spent time hanging out and I came back feeling better than any event
That I used to go to in order to like close deals do business just because it was just a bunch of
grown-ass men hanging out and having a good time
And it it
The level of refreshment that I got when I came back home from that was just like
Man, this was this was um not necessarily life changing but also
I guess kind of life changing because it made me realize that I needed to prioritize this
This is something that was actually meaningful and and that mattered a lot to me
That a continue working on those types of relationships those types of friendships
Especially as we get older, you know that you life life gets away from you
Hang out all the time when you're younger and then the older you get
Them the less you hang out and you and a lot in a lot of ways for good reasons, you know
I mean like that what family and businesses and careers and
Kids and all that stuff I like a lot of it are they're they're they're totally reasonable
Quote-unquote excuses to not prioritize those friendships
But at the end of the day your life will just be a collection of the decisions that you make along the way and
One of the decisions that I am intentionally making for myself is to make sure that I don't leave those friendships
Behind in pursuit of the things that I really want to accomplish in my life
so yeah be the person
That organizes the events the experiences if nobody else in your friend group is
Try to prioritize your friendships in a similar way that you do with your work in your family
And then lastly ask for help
We don't build trust by offering help
We build trust by asking for help. It's actually a deeper psychological driver of trust is to ask for help
Then it is just even to offer help which brings me back to the apology that I offered at the very beginning of this episode
Which was to say hey guys? I'm sorry because I did a really crappy job of letting you guys know
That I needed some help that I needed some that I needed some support
You know during this particularly tough time of my life and I just felt like I'm you know, I'm
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Supposed to be the rock and supposed to be the person who people can come to
Not the person who's burdening other people with my own thoughts and feelings
You know how dare how dare I have thoughts and feelings and burden the people in my life with them
But the people in your life want to help you just like you want to help them
And you are robbing them of their blessing from being there for you if you're not willing to share the things that are going negatively
In your life as well. So now
I want to get into a couple of questions that were that were asked here if we have some time
This was this was asked by one of one of some somebody on Instagram at Dave Berlin who's a friend of mine
Um, he said what are your favorite questions to ask to get the real to get to the real route of connection
First of all, I think one mistake I made early on was trying to skip small talk and go straight into deep questions
Because I thought it was a waste and you hear this all the time the sort of the rhetoric online
Yeah, I hate small talk. I just wanted. I just want to get I just want to get into it
You know, I want to have a deep dive into a conversation
But small talk is like social lubricant. It's like you got to you got to loosen up the gears before you just put it into
Sixth gear and and put the pedal to the metal you got to you got to go through
You got to go from neutral to first gear and then the second gear than third gear
And small talk allows you to do that and it helps to build the foundation of a trusting relationship is just these areas of small talk
So don't feel like it's a waste of time. You just you got to do it
It might feel or it might feel difficult sometimes
Especially if you're in a conference setting or something like that
You've just talked of 50 people that you don't know it can feel difficult to to go through this like the small talk
Beginning stages work. Don't skip that part. It is very necessary
Now assuming you're hanging out with somebody who you've already built some sort of a foundational friendship with and you've already done some small talk
Small talk with
Here's a couple of questions that I think are are good to ask number one
When was the last time you changed your mind about something important?
Number two when was the last time you got something that you wanted
Number three, what is one of your core values?
Number four, if you could spend time with someone from the past present and future who would they be?
If you could trade lives with anyone for a month who would you choose?
What's something that you've done on your bucket list and what something you want to do still?
How would those closest to you describe you things like that?
These are just open-ended questions that allow for further discussion
That's really all the that's all the point is
And again, this assumes that you've already built some sort of a foundational relationship
And I'll give you a perfect example
This is a friend of mine at a friend of mine his name is Ed
And we initially connected at a business event
And we were sort of both kind of fish out of water in this particular context
And we were drawn to each other because it was brought up that he was in that he had done a bunch of stuff in sales
And I had a bunch of done a bunch of stuff in sales
And so we started connecting on that and this is what I would refer to as small talk
And it's just sort of like the oh you're interested in this thing
Well tell me about your sales war story and then he was like tell me about your sales war story
And we exchanged a few things
We got to know each other over some period of time
But the last few times we've hung out it's been much more conversations around the questions that I just asked
In fact, I'm pretty sure I asked him the exact question
When was the last time he changed your mind about something?
He was like did I tell you that question because I asked that question a lot too
And then you know we talk about core values
We talk about things that are actually meaningful and important to us
And it has turned into an actual core friendship of mine
But it didn't start by just going directly into deep questions
I just frankly don't think that works
Like unless you just have that alchemistic vibe with somebody
That allows you to go there while both parties feel comfortable
Going there but it's one of my pet peeves now
Where you know you're in some sort of a conference setting
And you're doing you know the whole networking rounds
And talking to people that you never talked to before
And then you talk to somebody and they are somebody who likes skipping small talk
And then they go directly into deep questions
And I'm like I don't I don't know who you are
Like I'm not going to open up the vault of my consciousness
To somebody I just met
Just because you feel awkward doing small talk
It's like I don't I just don't know you that
Well, I don't feel comfortable going into all these other areas of my life
Without having some base layer of trust here
So don't feel like you have to skip that initial stage
Spend some time there until you've built some sort of level
Some layer of foundational trust there
And then you can move into some of these
Some of these other other questions that will allow for a deeper discussion later on
So that's it for this episode of the show
Thanks so much for tuning in
As always at TravShap on Instagram
Shoot me DM let me know what we should talk about on the show next
And we'll keep going along this topic of friendships
And loneliness until we've covered everything I want to cover
I got a lot to say about this
And maybe eventually we'll turn it into a book or something
Because this is something that I think
Not enough people are talking about
So thanks for tuning in
Catch you guys in the next episode
Peace
And pushing your way to greatness
So pick up the Irish flute or those calligraphy pens
Or that daunting beef Wellington recipe card
And leave the laundry to us
Rinse it's time to be great
Travis Makes Money
