Why You Can't Be Calm Around Your Narcissist Ex (and How to Finally Change That)

There's a moment most people in our community know well. Your phone lights up with a message from your ex. Or you're sitting in the parking lot outside the courthouse. Or you're on the phone with your attorney and your voice starts shaking.

You know the response you want to give. You know the person you want to be in that moment. And then something happens — a thought spiral, a surge of adrenaline, a reaction you didn't plan — and afterward, you're sitting there wondering what just happened.

That's not a character flaw. That's dysregulation. And it is absolutely something you can learn to change.

Our guest today, Bonnie Butler, knows this from two directions: as someone who lived through her own version of emotional chaos — adopting six traumatized teenagers at once after years of fostering — and as a certified emotional regulation coach who has helped hundreds of clients transform the way they respond to stress, conflict, and the impossible situations life throws at them.
This conversation with Lisa is one of those episodes where you'll want to stop and take notes. Or maybe you'll just find yourself nodding along, because finally someone is naming what you've been experiencing.

Timestamps:

00:00 — Opening: the problem of knee-jerk reactions with a toxic ex
01:20 — Bonnie defines emotional regulation in plain language
03:45 — The pause technique: interrupting the thought spiral with a physical cue
07:10 — Why holding your breath makes rational thought impossible
09:30 — Bonnie introduces herself: from overwhelmed foster/adoptive mom to regulation coach
14:00 — The turning point: hitting a wall and learning the hard way
18:20 — Why no one ever teaches us to manage our emotions
21:40 — Her 12-week program and what transformation actually looks like
25:00 — Why clients resist the tools at first — and what happens when they try anyway
29:15 — Self-regulation explained: what it feels like when you've got it
33:00 — Co-regulation: how your state spreads to everyone around you
37:20 — The heartbreaking thing that happens when kids try to regulate their parents
40:45 — How modeling regulation teaches your kids to regulate themselves
43:00 — "Name it to tame it": why naming an emotion is the first step to releasing it
46:15 — "The anxiety I'm feeling" vs. "my anxiety": a small shift, a big door
48:30 — Meet Jim: how one client made friends with their anxiety to stop being controlled by it
51:00 — Our thoughts are not facts — and you don't have to keep every thought you have
54:20 — The thought closet: choosing what you keep and what you let go
57:00 — Change, loss, and grief — why healing always has a harder side
01:01:00 — "Paddles in the canoe": taking back the steering wheel of your life
01:04:30 — What you focus on grows: the profound shift in how Bonnie saw her own life
01:08:00 — From "what might have been" to "what could be"
01:12:00 — How to connect with Bonnie

Connect with Bonnie Butler:

Website & booking: bonniebutlercoaching.com
Instagram: @bonniebutlercoaching
Facebook: Bonnie Butler Coaching
Email: [email protected]

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