You Left. So Why Do You Still Want to Go Back? | Mid Week Tease

0:00This is Ashley Akinetti from the almost famous podcast. You ever notice you and your spouse keep saying, we need to get away, but you never actually plan anything. That was us until we did something fun and spontaneous. We went to resort pass.com. There are hundreds of hotel resorts, pools and spots and private beaches that you can enjoy. You can spend the day at a luxury resort, pool, spa, massage, without booking an overnight stay. And listen, I may have only been like 15 minutes from home, but it felt like it was a whole different world. And I'm thinking, this is exactly what I needed. So just go to resort pass.com, choose your resort, choose your day, luxury, resort, day passes, start at just $1,500. Once you post your daycation, people are going to ask where you are. Go to resort pass.com, slash almost famous and use the promo code almost famous to get $20 off when you spend $100. That's code almost famous at resort pass.com slash almost famous.

1:00Shop vans and Albertsons for fresh savings every time you shop. This week at vans and Albertsons, get fresh, boneless, skinless chicken breasts for $199 per pound limit 10 pounds. And locally grown, grape-ary cotton candy grapes are $299 per pound with digital coupon. Plus 24 packs of Canada dry or 7-up 12-ounce cans are $499 limit one with digital coupon. Enjoy fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in, these deals won't last. Visit vans or Albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. Welcome to the Midweek Tees with me, Adele Oñango, where I share some random and not-to-random thoughts on things. And in this episode, I want to talk about something that I've been inspired to talk about because of the last three weeks on our Monday shows called the Legal Eclula's podcast, where we've been listening to a very powerful story by Anne about being in a relationship with somebody

2:01who is really emotionally harming her and just that journey of trying to leave, going back, trying to leave, going back. Her story just made me start thinking about things that we don't talk about enough when we talk about harmful relationships. I think we spend so much time, you know, focus on this question that I fucking hate. And I see it all the time, which is, why didn't she just leave, you know? Why did she stay? Why did she go back? Why did she forgive him? And I think why I really hate those questions is they have very little compassion for what it actually takes to leave someone that you are emotionally attached to. We like to think of leaving as this one brave decision, but it does not always a case. Sometimes you leave and you go back, sometimes you block them and then you unblock them.

3:04I'm loving because I've done that in the past. Sometimes you spend three days, okay? So sure that you're done. And then you wake up on the fourth day and you're like, man, I really miss him. You know what I mean? Sometimes intellectually, you know this relationship by the way is really hurting me. It is harming me. But then emotionally, you still love this person. And I really want to say this at the beginning of this episode, going back to someone who has hurt you does not automatically mean that you are weak. I hate that that is the energy we threw towards women who are trying to navigate, leaving emotionally harmful relationships. We really miss them with no compassion and we have so much judgment and shame for them. And I don't think shame is really useful in general, but especially here.

4:05If a woman has left a harmful relationship, let's say three times and she's gone back three times, telling her how ashamed she should be of herself and judging her is probably not going to help her leave the fourth time. What might help, I think, is hoovering around the question what keeps pulling me back and trying to unpack that. Because I think if we understand that part, then maybe we can build something that makes staying away the next time you leave very possible. So that's what I want to talk about in this episode. One thing I really want us to understand is that the attachment to the person you're leaving doesn't disappear just because you've understood that somebody is harmful to you. Things are not black or white like that. And you know this, you know, your brain can understand something before even your heart catches up. And so in your brain, you can know that,

5:06hey, this person lies to me, this person humiliates me, this person manipulates me, this person, I don't know, makes me anxious or I don't like who I am when I'm with this person, I don't trust them, I don't feel safe. You can know all of that and you can still miss them. Those things can coexist. And in some abusive relationships, you can actually start to find another psychological dynamic that can make leaving even more complicated. And I've told you about it before, but I can't stop harping on about it, which is intermittent reinforcement. I have experienced this. This thing is hectic. And it's when affection, reassurance, kindness, so even connection in this relationship is unpredictable. All right? So there's gonna be pain and then there's an apology. There's gonna be chaos and then there's tenderness. There's gonna be like deep betrayal and then there's an incredible weekend. There's gonna be cruelty.

6:08And then there's, I've never loved anyone else, the way I love you, you know? And because you don't know when the good version of this person is going to appear again, you can become incredibly invested in waiting for them. And when that kindness, when that relief comes, it feels potent. It feels potent. In fact, I think I explained this one to one of my girlfriends as this. When you're in your home, right? And you feel thirsty, you go and drink water and it's not a big deal. You don't think about the taste of the water, nothing. You're like, I'm thirsty, I drink water, cool. Imagine if you were in the desert and then I give you one liter of water. That water tastes incredible. And then I snatched back, right? And you're still crawling around the desert.

7:08And you never know, you never know when I'm gonna give you water. And the next time I give you water, maybe I give you 250 ml. But let me tell you, you are gonna love that 250 ml. You're gonna love it so much because intermittent reinforcements. So when the good version of them reappears, right? And you've been waiting for them to reappear. This good version of them is like your water, right? You start believing, maybe this time, they've understood what I've been trying to tell them. This time it's different, even the apology. I feel like it sounds different. It really means it this time around. We're going back to how things were at the beginning. And sometimes the relief that comes after the painful moments, the water that comes after crawling through the desert can actually deepen the attachment. So when we look at why isn't she leaving the relationship

8:12with such little compassion with so much shame, leaving isn't as simple as recognizing that there is an issue. Sometimes you already know, but there's layers to it. So I came across some really useful advice from a therapist called Atsede Scarcet. And we're going to make sure a link to her platform is in the show notes. And I've taken some of her suggestions and I've added a few things that can help you leave these harmful relationships and not go back. Leave these harmful relationships and choose yourself, yes, but keep choosing yourself. Does this make sense? Okay, so it's eight things. And if you are trying to leave a relationship that you know is harmful for you, this list is for you. If you have a sister, a girlfriend,

9:12who's in that situation of leaving, going back, leaving, going back, this list is for them. So make sure you share it with them. Okay? All right, eight things. Number one, let's go. Make a reality list. So Atsede recommends making what she calls a reality list. And I love this so much because what I've learned even with my own brain is that it edits the reality of what's happening. And then when it's mixed with nostalgia, the editing is pro max, okay? And so let's say I've been in this terrible relationship for two years, that's super harmful. And in the two years, we've had a total of 17 beautiful days. What happens is the nostalgia is going to edit everything and create a highlight reel of the relationship from only the 17 beautiful days. So you're going to remember the holiday, the inside joke,

10:15how they held you that night, the incredible birthday, the sex, the version of them you fell in love with. And the other, oh well, what, 700 days start becoming blurry. So write down what actually happened. What that means is you shouldn't write he was toxic. Write down what he actually did. What did he say? What happened when you expressed hurt? What did you repeatedly have to forgive? What promises were repeatedly broken? How many times did you discover another lie? How many times did you find yourself explaining behavior that you knew wasn't okay? Maybe you could also add, who did you have to become to survive that relationship? Did you have to become an FBI agent digging through things? Doing your own investigations. Did you become suspicious 24, seven quiet? Did you stop asking questions

11:15or even voicing your opinion? Did you stop checking phones? Am I shouting? Did you start shrinking yourself? Did you find that you became this person who's constantly trying to anticipate another person's mood or monitor another person's mood? And then when you think about who you had to become, write down what it felt like in your body, right? Were you anxious? Were you struggling to sleep? Did your stomach drop every time their phone rang? Were you constantly on edge? Were you exhausted? Did you feel deep relief when they were leaving or when they were not around? Write that down. So that when the nostalgia comes with its highlight reel of only 17 days that were good out of the two years, you can read your reality list. Because nostalgia is going to be remembering the moments.

12:18Your reality list is remembering the patterns. This is so important guys, because let me tell you, I have been an emotionally harmful relationship and I didn't even know I was making a reality list because you can either write them down or you can record a voice note. But what I did know about my brain is that if someone harms me, my brain quickly starts to edit it. To the point where if I let it, I could genuinely forget. I could genuinely forget how someone harmed me. And it would only be in therapy where those worlds would get unlocked. And so what I started doing is recording. This might be legal. But the person I was with once shouted at me really, really badly. And for some moments, shouting is bad. I don't even know where I would say really badly.

13:19Shouting, intertality is bad. None of us is hard of hearing. But I quickly recorded it. And the reason I did that is I said, I am going to forget how deeply I'm being disposed and protected in this moment. And I need something to go back to and remind myself that this is not how I want to be treated by anyone. You know what I mean? So maybe it doesn't have to be extreme as me. Just to make your reality list write it down. And so when nostalgia comes and knocking, you have something that can show you and remember the patterns. Number two, create a 24 hour rule. This is really cool. This is another suggestion from a sedate. And it means when you desperately want to call them, you've left the harmful relationship and they're those moments, man, you're just like,

14:19dammit, I want to call them, I want to text. You know, or if maybe you've ghosted them, you want to respond to their message, you want to unblock them, you even want to check their insta. In those moments, don't tell yourself, I can never speak to this person again. Because a hearing that never, 10 o'clock in the evening, that state of emotion, it can't be a lot, right? So tell yourself, not for the next 24 hours, because you're allowing venue emotions to come down. And in the next 24 hours, you don't have to make a decision on whether you're going to reach out to them. You can instead cry, you can go for walk, you can call your friend, you can journal, you can sleep, you can watch something, you can clean your house. Dude, you can sit on your hands if you want to, but you don't contact them for 24 hours. Because the thing about heightened emotions is that they move. And so at 11 p.m., sad nigger hours, the emotion is potent,

15:19it's potent, you understand that message, right there, right there, right now. But then morning comes and you're just like, oh, good heavens, no. I do not want to talk to this person. So what you do is like, you're learning to create space between I feel something and space, I must act on it. And I think that that is a skill that even goes beyond relationships, because it's a skill that I have to use almost on a daily with my business, especially now that where we are organizing for Manila's women life, there are things that happen that I have to be like, okay, I feel this. I'm gonna sit in this for 24 hours, and then I'm gonna make a decision tomorrow. You know what I mean? Yeah. Number three, remove easy access, okay? Remove easy access. Block, mute, delete the chat. This one I'm so good at, my goodness. Archive, the photos somewhere you can't easily access them,

16:22if you're not ready to delete them. Mute even their friends. If their friends stories are constantly popping up on your page, and tell your friends, please don't update me on what so-and-so is doing. I think we can even take this further. You can even start making decisions while you're regulated that your lonely self wouldn't have to make later. Let me explain what I mean. So there's many things. What happens if they call? What happens if they email? What happens if they send flowers? What happens if they, you know, send a text and say they've changed and that they're in therapy and that they're struggling in life, you know? And that they've even started looking like and becoming the person you were begging them to become. Don't wait for when you're lonely to start deciding how you're going to handle those scenarios should they arrive. When you are in a state of regulation, decide what your boundary is going to look like, should they call? Decide that if they call, the promise I'm making myself,

17:25I'm not going to pick. If they email, the promise I'm making myself, da da da da da, in case you've not blocked, muted, et cetera, right? Because it is so much harder, please believe me, it is so much harder to invent a boundary in the heat of the moment while you're emotionally flooded. Well, the call is coming in. And of course, huge caveat here, if this is a physically abusive relationship or they've been stalking threats, coercive control, you know, you've also got to think about safety planning when you're leaving, okay? Because sometimes immediately blocking someone or announcing that you're leaving, which is something I do not believe in doing, that can actually increase danger. So if that is the specific relationship we're talking about here for you, then involve people that you trust. And if you have access to, look for professional support,

18:25professional support that understands domestic violence, right? So that you also include safety planning. I just wanted to add that little asterix there. Number four, ask yourself, what do I actually miss? Ah, this is one of my favorites from Adse de. So when you're sitting there thinking, oh man, I really miss him. What she says is that you must pause and get more specific. Ask yourself, what exactly do I miss? Do I miss him or do I miss having somebody to call? Do I miss him or do I miss being chosen? Do I miss him or do I miss having somebody sleeping next to me? Do I miss him or do I miss sex? Do I miss him or do I miss having somebody to sense stupid means to, you know? Do I miss him or do I miss the identity of being someone's girlfriend, somebody's wife, someone's partner? You see, those are very different losses. And once you are very clear and you've identified

19:25what you're actually missing, then you can begin finding ways of meeting that need without returning to the person who hurt you. Because then it becomes very clear, that's not the only source. So if you miss companionship, that's a need. If you miss physical touch, that's a need. If you miss feeling desired, that's a need. If you're lonely, that's a need. But the existence of this need doesn't automatically make this person that you've just left the person who should meet it. Makes sense here. I loved that one. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try new food and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try cutie mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before.

20:27And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Cutie only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Examages, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it. And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything, then you'll understand. Cutie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. This is Ashley Akinetti from the almost famous podcast. You ever notice you and your spouse keep saying, we need to get away, but you never actually plan anything. That was us until we did something fun and spontaneous. We went to resortpass.com. There are hundreds of hotel resorts, pools and spots and private beaches that you can enjoy. You can spend the day at a luxury resort,

21:27pool, spa, massage, without booking an overnight stay. And listen, I may have only been like 15 minutes from home, but it felt like it was a whole different world. And I'm thinking, this is exactly what I needed. So just go to resortpass.com, choose your resort, choose your day, luxury, resort day passes, start at just $1,500. Once you post your daycation, people are gonna ask where you are. Go to resortpass.com slash almost famous and use the promo code almost famous to get $20 off when you spend $100. That's code almost famous at resortpass.com slash almost famous. It's fall in Jeep country and during the drive into fall sales event, get a great deal on four by fours that refuse to be contained like Jeep Wrangler. Confidence built into every drive with the most awarded SUV ever, Jeep Grand Cherokee, and freedom that can't be denied with the open air freedom and Jeep gladiator. After 85 years, it's no surprise that Jeep became America's SUV brand. Get a great deal during the Jeep Drive into fall sales event.

22:29Jeep is one more awards over its lifetime than any other SUV brand, even the Jeep Grille Registered Trademarks of FCAUS LLC. Another thing that I'd said is said, number five, is missing them doesn't mean you made the wrong decision and I've said this before and I truly, truly believe in it. I think sometimes we treat grief like evidence, right? So if I miss him, therefore I must love him and if I still love him, therefore I shouldn't have left. Nah, not at all. You can love someone and know that, hey, there can be nothing healthy built to that person. You can miss someone who is absolutely terrible for you. You can have beautiful memories of somebody who also hurts you. These things don't cancel out each other and I think when you force them to cancel out each other, you're just sabotaging your healing, you know? And it's okay to let grief be grief. Cry, write, talk, be angry, miss them,

23:32but don't automatically turn missing them into an instruction to return, missing someone is a feeling. It is not a decision. Number six, these are the ones I've added. I think it's important to build a don't go back alone system, all right? Oh my God, this is so important. Choose one or two people in your circle who you trust and those two people should know the truth about the relationship. They should not know the edited version or the version where you're protecting your partner because oh, you're not meant to embarrass your partner and share their stories outside. No, choose one or two people who actually know what happened and then tell them, when I want to contact this person that I've just left, I'm going to contact you first.

24:36And if you are the friend who is being trusted with this responsibility, do not shame your friend when she calls you, don't say again, after everything it did, you know, at this point you just enjoy suffering, don't. Shame makes people hide. Shame makes people hide. And when she starts hiding from the people who love her, the person who hurt her can very quickly become the person she runs back to. In those moments, what she needs is someone who can say, I know you miss him, tell me what's up. You know, maybe you could ask, do you want me to remind you why you left? Because the more space there is between them and their ex, these moments where they feel like they need to call him, should, should, if this person is doing the work, should get fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer.

25:36Number seven, you need to replace the routines, not the person. I added this on the list because I don't think we talk about this at all. When you lose a relationship, many people will advise you of the best way, there's this kind of freeze, the best way to get over a guy is to get under another guy. I'm not shaming. Hey man, do what you want to do. But at the same time, it's worth noting that when a relationship ends, you're not only losing a person, you're losing a structure. You know, who did you call after work? Who did you spend Sunday with? Who did you text good morning, you know, when something hilarious happened to you or something that you're proud of, who did you tell immediately? What did Friday night look like? Where did you guys used to go together? What did you guys used to do before bed? Relationships occupy time, they occupy rituals, they occupy physical spaces.

26:37And if you remove the person, but you leave every space, they occupied completely empty, those empty spaces can feel so overwhelming. So what can help, I think, is to intentionally build new rituals. Maybe when they becomes dinner with you and your friend, maybe Sunday morning becomes your solo breakfast dates, maybe after work you go for a walk, instead of immediately reaching for your phone. Maybe you start taking the class that you've been thinking about, get back to that hobby that you abandoned, you know? Make your home feel different, create new music associations, right? So instead of listening to the songs, and this one, I really love doing it, the songs that, oh, were your songs, or reminded you of our first kiss, or what I would is, you could find new songs, but what I also really like doing is listening to those songs because I loved them and reclaiming them, and building new memories with them.

27:38Do you want me to tell you how hectic it is? So my wedding song was one of my favorite jams, and you know, I'm an Afrobeat babe, and it was one of my favorite jams, and I, he's not a song so terrible, but after the divorce and everything, I was just like, fuck it, don't tell me I've lost my song. I really like that song, damn it. And then I spent so much time listening to the song and trying to make new memories around the song. And I wouldn't think maybe last year at some point, I was driving and I'd put my music on shuffle that song came up and I jammed to it, and it's only at the end that I realized, oh my God, I didn't even think about my wedding. I didn't even go like, oh, that's my wedding song. I created new associations and new memories of the songs that I liked, you know? So you're not trying to pretend the relationship didn't happen.

28:43You're teaching your life that, you know, we can exist without them, we can create new memories and there's more ways to live without them. And eventually your life starts kind of like building up this evidence that the person that you broke up with or left, they are not required for you to experience connection, pleasure, laughter, intimacy, you know, love, excitement, you can do all of those things by yourself. Number eight, final one. This is reduced the shame for the people who go back. And so it makes it a very important one because maybe your listening is episode and you're thinking, shit, I've already gone back, more than once. Don't shame yourself and don't think you're lost case. No, instead of you sitting there listening to this and asking yourself what's wrong with me. Please ask yourself instead, what pulled me back? Was I lonely?

29:44Did they apologize? Did they promise that they had changed? Was I afraid of starting again? Did I miss sex? Was I financially dependent on this person? Did I have nowhere safe to go? Was I scared that no one else would love me? Did I see them with somebody else and panic? Was their family pressure? Because the answer to that tells you something. It tells you a lot actually. Because if loneliness pulled you back, then what you need to do is build community. If financial dependence pulled you back, then part of your exit plan needs to involve money. If fear pulled you back, then we need support around this fear. If an apology pulled you back, then maybe we need to learn the difference between remorse and changed behavior. If isolation pulled you back, then we need to build relationships outside of this partnership.

30:49You know, you returning is information. It doesn't have to become a verdict on your character. Because again, choosing yourself doesn't always look like leaving ones and never looking back. Sometimes it's not as clean as that. Sometimes it's messy and it looks like you leave you return, you leave you return, you leave you return, then you understand why you returned, then you build more support, you leave again, and eventually you leave for good. Choosing yourself after a harmful relationship isn't only about resisting another person. It is more about rebuilding your relationship with yourself. I've told you this in previous episodes, harmful relationships can really train you not to trust yourself. And so like leaving is really the time where you start to do the work of rebuilding yourself.

31:49So it's messy. It's not neat and it's not black or white. If you're connected with these eight tips and this entire episode really, share it with someone that you love. Thanks for listening to the Midwick Tees, a League of League through Las Africa production. Episodes go out every Wednesday and you can learn more about us by going to leaguealegalegthroughlasafrica.com. This is Ashley Akinati from the Almost Amos Podcast. You ever notice you and your spouse keep saying, we need to get away, but you never actually plan anything. That was us until we did something fun and spontaneous. We went to resortpass.com. There are hundreds of hotel resorts, pools and spots and private beaches that you can enjoy. You can spend the day at a luxury resort, pool, spa, massage without booking an overnight stay. And listen, I may have only been like 15 minutes from home, but it felt like it was a whole different world.

32:51And I'm thinking this is exactly what I needed. So just go to resortpass.com, choose your resort, choose your day, luxury, resort, day passes, start at just $25. Once you post your daycation, people are gonna ask where you are. Go to resortpass.com, slash almost famous and use the promo code almost famous to get $20 off when you spend $100. That's code almost famous at resortpass.com slash almost famous. Stop wasting your nights on a mattress that doesn't get you. Experience the most comfortable mattress in the world. The sleep number smart bed at the touch of a button. You can personalize your comfort. Choose firmer or softer, adjust cooler to warmer. And right now, save up to $2500 during our massive Labor Day event. Hurry into your local sleep number store today because we have your number. Stop wasting your nights on a mattress that doesn't get you.

33:54Experience the most comfortable mattress in the world. The sleep number smart bed at the touch of a button. You can personalize your comfort. Choose firmer or softer, adjust cooler to warmer. And right now, save up to $2500 during our massive Labor Day event. Hurry into your local sleep number store today because we have your number.