203 - PUN-nani

Hey, before we kick off today's episode, just wanted to let you know that we have a brand new way

for you to get involved with your own jokes. All you have to do is head to howtokillanour.com

forward slash jokes. That's howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes. And if you don't want to do

that, you can also click the link in the show description. Over 90 of the top 100 US accounting

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What is happening? This is happening.

I'm Marcus Bronzi and you are Richie Dress. And this is? I don't know. You know what it is?

Come on, I almost believe you didn't know what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tokillanour, this is the version of the show where you tell us a joke and we read them out.

You send them into howtokillanour.com. Just and I read them out. We let's call it

punishment. Let's crack on with it, Dress. All right. Let's do it.

I've started a reverse only friends group. I'll post nudes every day until people have paid me

to stop. I think it's really good. I only have two regrets in life. One is the number of times I

screwed up. The other is naming my dog up. Jesus Christ. How did the police officer find the glory

hole? I gave up. How did the police officer find the glory hole? He received an anonymous tip.

Oh my god. Little Jenny refused to study maths. So her parents decided to put her in a Catholic

school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Jenny came home after her very first day

and went straight to her room to work on her math homework. Right after dinner, she went back to

her room to study maths. Right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, her parents found her

working on maths problems with a flashlight under her blanket. Next morning, while Jenny was

working on maths problems over breakfast, her back with parents asked her why her new school had

changed her attitude towards maths so quickly. She answered with a terrified whisper.

When the nuns took us to the chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

Oh my god.

Catholics are nuts going to like that. What decided whether to cut that one out in the end?

Keep it in. Keep it in. The guy goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I thought really terrible for

the last few days. My entire body aches, my vision, hearing a failing. I'm completely fatigued

and I just feel horrible overall. The doctor says, we're going to run some tests on you. Come back

for the results tomorrow. The guy comes back for the results the next day and the doctor goes,

I've got some very bad news. Please sit down. You have an extraordinarily rare disease. We believe

it's a virus, but it's so rare that it doesn't even have a name yet. The illness is ravaging your

body. The nervous system, the respiratory system, the cardiovascular system, your digestive system,

reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire

medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease and so far, researchers have found

no treatment or cure. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have about three days to live maybe

less. The man slumps over and shock and goes, oh my god, this can't be happening. I'm young,

I have a family. I have so much to live for. Is there anything that can be done, Doc? The

doc goes, look, I'm sorry to say this, but there's nothing I can do. You're going to be dead within

days. The man begins to shake and weak. Cry and please, Doc, I have a wife and two young children.

I can't do this to them. My babies can't grow up without a father. My wife is the kindest,

most loving person I've ever met. I neither of us have any living family members left.

I can't bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.

The man begins to sob sadly. Please, Doc, I'm digging you. Is there anything, anything that can

be done in the experimental drug or treatment? Please, I'll try anything. The doctor says, well,

there's one treatment I've heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don't believe there's any

research showing any efficacy. The man's eyes wide and he goes, please tell me, Doc, the doctor's

okay. There's a holistic spa just across town. The spa offers a unique type of mud bath. It's not

unlike a mud bath used for skincare, except it's implied to the entire body. The mud is actually

a type of mineral rich clay that's only found in two areas of the world. If you leave mouthfuls

right now, you should be able to get in there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.

The man tropes back the tears and says, thanks, Doc, but what's the chances of me getting better?

The doctor says, none. It'll help you start getting used to being covered in dirt.

Jesus Christ. That's horrendous. Wow. I think that's less horrendous than the last one.

No, I don't know. It was such a long and upsetting story and it was just savage at the end.

A man meets a woman in a bar. They chat. He says his wife just left him because he was too

kinky. The woman says that that was weird because her husband just left her for the same reason.

They consider this coincidence and decide that their shed kinks may be promising. They decide to

meet for a good night. He knocks at her door. Hang on. Come in, she calls. I'm nearly ready.

She's just finishing her preparations. Let her suit with exposed nipples,

mask, whip, high heels, dildos, strapped on. Takes a few minutes to get to the presentation

just right for that good night. She comes out of her bedroom and sees the man putting on his hat

and preparing to leave. Hey, she calls. I thought this was going to be a kinky night.

Well, he said, I'll just fuck your dog and shut in your handbag. Good night indeed.

That's what he says.

That's how I feel. A train was about to leave a station when a guy sitting next to me

opened the window and waved to another person on the platform and said, thanks for the great

weekend, Bob. Your wife is a great lay. After the train left the station, I said, did I hear

that correctly? Did you just tell that man that his wife was a great lay? He then turns him

and he said, she really isn't, but I didn't want to hurt Bob's feelings.

Hey, so a 104 year old man is being interviewed on the news. The interviewer says,

you are 104 years old. You walk like a mile a day. Your mind is still sharp and you still take

care of yourself in your own home. Tell me, what's your secret? And the old man says,

I want blue a guy for a sandwich.

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That's his secret. He's just talking.

That's really good. A man suffering with terrible headaches for 10 years,

goes to the doctor and says, I've tried everything. Payments, anti-inflammatories,

physical therapy, chiropractic, everything. Nothing stops their headaches. The doctor says,

I used to have the same problem. And what finally worked for me was every time I felt a headache

coming on, I'd make love to my wife. Give it a try. The next week, the guy comes back and says,

Doc, I'm amazed. I've suffered with his headaches for 10 years and you advised cured me.

Thank you so much. By the way, Doc, you have a really nice house.

This one's from Judith. Yes, Judith. When I was at school, I was selected to participate in the

battle race on sports day. I was really good. Really. Really good. Really. Really. This is also

from Judith. Oh, God, Judith. Two in a row. A fun thing about working in a day nursery is that

if you let off a silent but deadly fart, you get to watch a colleagues check all the babies and

toddlers for swear on that piece. Is that joke or is that just an anecdote? No, I think, hey,

could be just a joke, an anecdote. Listen, I'm writing that down. Fantastic. Good name for a

podcast. This one is, yes, it is. This one is from Barry Burns. A woman was on trial for beating

her husband to death with his guitar collection, the judge asked the prosecutor. First offender,

prosecutor applied. No, you're on her. First of Gibson, then offender. Guitar bands. Guitar bands.

Guitar bands. Can we have the guitar shredding? Is that what you do?

All right. This is from David Wiley or David Wiley. Wiley. Yeah, not that Wiley because he's

anyway. It's not a ski boy. It's not a ski boy now. Okay. Shout out to David.

Eski boy. Hi, guys. Love your stuff. Great chuckle medicine. You're probably an

undated with requests, but I thought I'd see if you might post this dafty in one of your things.

All right. Cool. One summer's day of fly was buzzing in the woods. The sun was intense.

The heat was unbearable. The fly had to stop though. It spotted a pond with a reed poking

up out of the water. The fly landed and then began enjoying the cool vibes emanating from said water.

It occurred to the fly that if it moved down the reed further by three inches, the atmosphere

would be absolutely perfect. Beneath the surface of the pond, a fish was watching the fly.

The fish taught to himself, if that fly moves down three inches, I'll be able to jump up and swallow

him. Over yonder, there was a bear concealed behind a huge boulder. The bear thought to himself,

if that fly moves just down the reed three more inches, the fish will jump up and get him

and I can grab the fish while he's midair. At the edge of the clearing, a hunter was watching

this. He thought to himself, if that fly moves down three inches, the fish will jump into

getting the bear will come out from behind the rock. I can shoot the bear. I get a trophy and I

have a proper meal instead of these poxy cheese sandwiches that my wife keeps making me.

Behind the hunter was a mouse. He thought to himself, if that fly goes down three inches,

the fish will jump in from the bear will go for the fish to hunt, it will shoot the bear

and throw his sandwich away and I can have all of the cheese. A little way off the cat was

observing. He thought to himself, if that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump for him,

the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and throw his sandwiches away.

The mouse will be so focused on getting the cheese out of the bread that I left some time to catch him

and so the fly moved down the reed three inches, the fish jumped and swallowed the fly,

the bear lunged and caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear and tossed away his sandwiches,

the mouse beeline for the cheese and the cat died for the mouse, but the mouse ducked and the cat fell

into the pond and drowned. The moral of the story is whenever a fly comes down three inches somewhere,

there's a pussy in danger.

That's really good to be fair. Final one, this is from Toby Franks.

A man wakes up in hospital bed, the doctor tells him that he has got into a terrible accident,

but he's all fine again. Any problem is, the operation was very expensive and he seems to be uninsured.

Well, I don't have any money, a man says. I haven't had a job in ages.

I have nothing of value, you see. I live on the street. I don't know how to pay that bill.

Any relatives that can maybe cover it, the doctor asks. No. Parents are long dead.

Never had a wife. Got no children. Man's Hobbes.

I only have a sister, but she's a poor soul too. She's a nun.

Why do you call your sister a poor soul? As a nun, she's married to our Lord Jesus.

The man's face lightens up instantly. Well, doctor, in that case, please send the

bill to my brother-in-law. Good luck getting that paid.

Yeah, exactly. That was another episode of the one and only pun ish pun ish

week. That's right, man. Before we finish this episode,

we just want to quickly take a moment in this punishment episode to step into another feature

we haven't done before, which is Richie's going to try Crisp and Chocolate for the first time ever.

What, at the same time? Yeah, you might like it.

Hang on, just try it, concretely. We've got time.

This is Cheetos sweet and spicy. One of them, and the Twix Crispy Roll.

It's quite liberal. It's quite liberal.

Okay, how's that? It's all right, isn't it?

Try a bit more chocolate into the mix, as well.

No. No.

Okay, salty crisps. If it's just very salted, I will get it.

That's where it originates from, isn't it?

Okay, cool. So, we've got you on the pathway to salty crisps.

There you go. I'll give you that. We'll try it properly in another episode.

There you go. A little bus next to those at this time.

Thank you very much, guys. We'll be here very, very soon for another punishment.

Punishment.

Over 90 of the top 100 US accounting firms trust Bill to handle bill pay processes.

Why? Because our tools are built on over a trillion dollars of secure payments.

We're not just moving money. We're powering financial workflows for half a million customers.

That's a level of expertise you just can't fake. Ready to talk with an expert?

Visit bill.com slash proven to get started and grab a $250 gift card as a thank you.

Terms and conditions apply. See offer page for details.

Hey, that's the end of the episode. Just a quick reminder that if you want to send

in your own jokes, all you have to do is send them to howtokillanour.com forward slash joke.

So you go to howtokillanour.com forward slash jokes, fill in the form.

Hopefully your joke will end up on the show. See you next time.