All Over The Road: Episode 230 - Lex Kent!!

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Hey folks, here we are, we're all over the road.

I am standing on 31st Street in 7th Avenue waiting for the wife, we're going to the Rangers game.

She's late, what else is new?

We got VIP tickets baby, and there's free food in there, and I can't go eat it, it's driving me crazy.

But yeah, so we're here, we're doing the Rangers.

I got my sway jacket on, I'm very excited, I love a sway jacket.

This is a 3-hoc girls walk by.

So I panicked, but yeah, I'm back from Portland, back from Providence.

This week I'm going to go to Kentucky, great comedy town, Lexington, Kentucky.

So yeah, I can't wait for that, but boy, what a weekend.

I went to Portland, Maine, which is a goddamn adorable place.

It's all lobster and fishermen and drunks, it's fun.

But then I took a bus, which I haven't done in a while, I took a fucking charter bus, or whatever you call it.

What is chartered?

Is that like a private thing?

Yeah, what is like a greyhound, is that charter?

I don't know, but I took a charter, I took a bus to Boston, from Portland, took a bus to Boston, then I got on a commuter rail.

Then I went to the airport of Providence, got a rental car, drove to the hotel, and then did the show,

did comedy on a bus, then I did the vet's theater with no material, it was fucking pathetic.

And I hated every second of it, and I feel horrible for the people that paid money.

And it wasn't sold out, and you know what, I'm glad, because I sucked.

So, hey, hey comedy, and so I was pretty bummed about that, but hey, we put on, we got some laughs, we put on a show.

I mean, I started talking about Tiger Woods, pretty quick, because you just run out of material, and these guys want a photo.

Hey, what's up boys?

Sorry, I'm on the phone.

Right ahead of here.

How you doing?

Good backpacks.

What the fuck is that, man?

Hell yeah, I'm gay.

Alright, so, yeah, waiting for the wife.

What did they say, don't fuck you dead?

I didn't catch a word of that, but yeah, hey, what's up?

Sorry.

Oh, you're the one.

Comedy.

Sorry, I'm on the phone.

Uh, nobody cares about a phone call, and I'm not even on the phone, I'm talking to you, Jews.

But, uh, yeah, where the hell's the wife?

I love this one.

Oh, wait, hold on, she might have written back.

One more, oh my god.

This is killing me.

One more stop.

Shit.

Damn it, I'm like, can I go in there?

This is the thing about women.

You have to, like, wait for them, and they want to walk in together.

I'm like, can I just go in and eat, and then you show up?

Brutal.

Ah.

Yeah, you know, women are always like, we got to leave together.

We got to walk in together.

I'm like, why?

You're slowing me down, lady.

Um, that's what's good about guys.

I can go, what the fuck?

You're fucking me.

I'm going, and they would go, alright, go eat.

Go eat.

Don't wait for me.

But you can't do that with women, for some reason.

But they won't equality.

Okay.

Um.

Some women, I should say some women, some women are cool and fun and easy.

Okay.

Oh boy, what a nightmare.

We're losing food time.

God damn it.

I don't even care about the game, I want the food.

Alright, sorry.

I'm going to give that a passive aggressive thumbs up on a text.

Uh, hey, hey, comedy.

So yeah.

Then when I finished at the theater and Portland Providence,

I drove to my apartment, got there like 1130 at night,

parked the rental car outside my house, brought my shit in,

went to bed like a psycho, woke up with the baby on Monday morning,

and it was all worth it.

Uh, so yeah.

That was great.

Got it all in.

I hate working Sundays, but if I can drive home that night,

it's kind of almost worth it because it was a nice payday.

But God, I feel bad.

I want to write like a handwritten apology to every audience member

because, uh,

I'm telling my wife, you may have to run.

She doesn't, she's never rushes.

She's not a rusher.

Nothing about women.

I'll be like, we're late.

She just starts walking.

And I'm like, if you weren't here, I would be running to this place.

But you can't run for some reason because you're a lady.

So be weren't, say no sneakers.

Still won't run.

Alright.

Run to 31st.

Don't want to miss the game.

Start.

Alright, that was me putting my foot down.

Alright, cool.

There's some hot women here, my god.

The day the sun is out in New York, and it is magical.

Right when the sun comes out, the ladies do the cleavage, the shoulders, the legs.

It's all very exciting.

That's funny.

I'm watching a guy, as I talk with, I'm watching a guy with his girlfriend.

And she's looking at herself in her phone and doing her makeup while walking.

And she's like 10 feet behind him.

And he's doing like, come on, let's go.

And she's like, alright, I'm trying to look good.

He's like, okay, look good in there.

Alright.

Also another knowing things.

My wife said, be there in 10.

And that was at 620.

And now it's 640.

So that was just a blatant lie.

10.

Get out of here.

Jesus Christ.

Alright, sorry, I've got bitching about the wife being late.

But I don't care if you're late.

But now you're ruining my night because I can't go in and eat and drink for free.

So you can be late all you want.

But now you're late and you're hurting another guy.

Another person.

It's kind of like smoking.

You know, I don't care if you smoke, but when you're blowing it and everyone else's face,

now you're affecting us.

So you can smoke.

Or you can be late.

I would say the same with fat.

You can be fat.

But if you're filling up another guy's seat on a flight and ruining his flight,

this is second hand fat.

This is a whole other problem.

Hey, comedy.

Thank you, sir.

I'm gay.

Hey, you hear that?

He enjoyed the special.

Okay.

Another thing about New York is now I'm staring at a couple who are crying into each other's

arms and embracing.

And, uh, who the fuck?

Everybody's got a story, folks.

That's the thing.

I know we all have our own problems, but everybody else has got their problems.

So whatever you're dealing with, they're dealing with some shit.

And we're all dealing with shit that other people don't know about.

So you see a guy walking down the street with his head in his hands, bitching and moaning.

That guy's got something going on.

Or a woman is snippy at the Starbucks and you're like, what's this bitch's problem?

She's got a dead husband or a fat kid or a gay son.

Who the hell knows?

So yeah, cookie times, folks, cookie times.

So just be aware of that.

But also, you know, we all in the same argument, you could say, we all have shit going on.

So quit being a cunt to everyone else because we all have shit.

So why does your shit top other people shit?

Does that make sense?

You know, if we all have shit going on, then your shit isn't special because we all have shit.

So something to think about.

You know what a woman sees a meets a guy and he's sitting down and the guy stands up and he's five foot two.

And the woman's like, God damn it.

What a bitch.

This sucks.

I thought you were cool and handsome and then you're five two.

You ruined everything.

I can't bang a five two guy.

I think men have that when they see a hot girl and they, oh, hold on.

My phone's ringing.

Hold on.

Hello.

Hey, how are you?

Where are you at?

Oh, really?

I don't see you.

Hold on.

I'm here too.

The leather?

Oh, there you are.

All right.

All right.

Let me talk to you guys later.

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Hey folks, here we are.

We're back.

Sorry about that bitch in the yesterday.

It all worked out.

I just hate being late, but it was funny.

We went to the game and they, you go in this weird entrance because my agent got me tickets.

So thank you agent, a secret agent man.

But he was, he was like, all right, go in this exit or this entrance on the side.

Four pen plaza.

And they're going to whisk you up to the lounge where you like take your coat off.

You grab a drink.

There's a buffet and an ice cream bar.

It's pretty amazing.

And I was like, great.

But if you show up too late, they just assume, oh, you want to go to the game.

You know, you just want to like get you to your seat because the game starts at seven.

We didn't walk in there.

It'll 651 or something like that.

So that's no bueno.

So, so the guy we get in, they pat you down.

They do the metal detector and then they go, all right, we'll bring you to your seat.

And I had to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We still want to eat.

And he was like, I had a game starts in like seven minutes or eight minutes.

And I was like, yeah, we're gay, we're fat, we're going in there.

And he was like, all right, and he turned us around.

We had to walk all the way back because we were like right to the rink.

We walked all the way back and we went into the lounge.

And of course, the lounge is packed and we're eating with everybody else.

And we drank.

I got a tequila soda.

I got, we got burgers and fish and they had vegetables and all this good stuff.

And sushi.

I mean, it was crazy.

Cookies, fruit, charcuterie.

What is charcuterie?

What does that word come from?

Then there's another word, not charcuterie.

But when it's just veggies on a board, what's that called?

Is that charcuterie?

Charcuterie is the one with the meat, right?

What's the one where it's just veggies?

God, this is going to kill me.

There's a word for this.

You know it.

You know it.

Oh, what is that called?

Somebody's screaming it right now.

Damn it.

Oh, it's like a French word.

I forget it.

But so you get all the food.

We pick out.

We pick out.

And now it's like 705.

The game had him started.

And they do so much.

Oh, ambience.

They do so much like hype in the beginning, you know?

All right.

Here's the NYPD that was killed.

We got to give him an applause break.

And then here's a charity we what we like.

So here's the family that, you know, started the charity.

Because their kid died of leukemia.

He got a plot, a plot.

Then they do like a little national anthem for the land of the free.

That was fun.

And then it's a kickoff or tip off or puck drop, whatever.

And yeah, you got your cocktail.

I stole a box of popcorn out of the lounge.

So I got my popcorn.

I really gorge myself.

I overeat like a son of a bitch.

But yeah, it was great.

The game was good.

We scored immediately.

Four to one was the final score.

Spoiler alert.

Beat the devils.

It was packed out.

I mean, I looked up into the rafters.

And those bleeds were full.

And how about this?

So we sit down.

And my wife goes, is that who I think it is?

There's a blonde woman sitting next to my wife.

It's the actress from the show, Pluribus.

Which is a show I like a lot.

Pluribus, Jerry.

It's the guy who did Breaking Bad Vince Gilligan.

He put out a show called Pluribus.

It didn't get the buzz.

It's on Apple TV.

But it's a great show.

It's really smart.

Really interesting.

A little bit of a slow burn.

But great.

Really great.

We just sit with it.

It's good.

And so show is great.

So we're sitting there.

And this lady, we're like, oh my god, that's the Pluribus lady.

She's sitting directly next to us.

And I go, she goes, I love your jacket.

Because the wife had on like a swanky leather jacket.

Because she was looking cute for the game.

She goes, oh, thanks.

And it's funny.

My wife was like, she's like, what brand is it?

She's like, I don't know.

But it's very affordable.

And then my wife's like, why isn't the hell am I telling the, you know,

am I telling the rich TV lady that this is affordable?

She can afford it.

So that was a fun little fuck up.

And she's like, I don't want anything about hockey.

I'm here with my husband.

I'm trying pretending to get into it.

Whatever.

So that was fun.

And the game was fun.

We got a big hockey fight.

The two, the two goalies went out face to face and just started wailing on each other.

Crowd went ape shit.

It's so funny when the hockey fight.

Because these guys train.

They practice.

They do all these drills.

And work out.

And then all of a sudden, you know, we all like a good game.

But then the hockey fight breaks out.

Everybody's on their feet.

Everybody's going nuts.

And you're like, it's just innate.

It's just like Coliseum shit.

It just goes back to the, to the, you know, to the roots.

To the human nature of it all.

And, oh, man, it was, it was fun though.

I mean, they're just wailing on each other.

Holding each other's jerseys, pounding each other's faces.

And the refs just let them go.

And the crowd is going nuts.

And the crowd went more nuts for the fight, obviously, than the whole game.

Which is sad, but it's just, just how it is.

I equate it to whenever I'm on stage.

And, you know, you work on this bit for six months.

You finally crack it.

It's a beautiful thing.

You figured it out.

You slaved over it.

You bombed with it for weeks and weeks and weeks.

And then you do the joke and it hits.

And then you do some dumb riff about a fat guy in the front row.

And that hits harder than any joke.

Or you fart to the microphone and it kills.

And you're like, okay, I worked on that joke for half a year.

But you can't beat a fart.

And it's the same with the fight.

You just can't beat a fight when it comes to entertaining people.

And also, let's be honest.

A fight is literally a type of sport.

So that's a whole other type of entertainment.

So you're getting two sports in one.

You know, I mean, what's that old joke?

I went to a fist fight in a hockey game broke out.

But you're literally getting two sports.

There's no other sport that's like, all right, we're going to play soccer for a while.

And then we'll shoot a gun or play tennis.

It's a two for one.

It's pretty good.

Hey, I'm watching NASCAR and all of a sudden the guy starts.

What's the sport you do?

Okay, never mind.

But that was a bad example.

But you get it.

I'll work on that one.

Well, let's think about it.

What's the sport?

I heard a thing with AI because my first instinct is like Google it.

Google some sports.

And I heard a quote about AI.

It said, only use AI for the skills you're willing to lose.

That's heavy, huh?

Only use AI for the skills you're willing to lose.

So, hey, if you know how to draft a nice email,

a little gift of gab, little, you know,

you put you some charm on it, some smooth talking.

If you've got a good job, you're good at that.

Don't use AI to write your swanky emails anymore.

Because you're going to lose that.

So, you know, I say if it's something clerical,

some like lawyer jargon, like legal shit,

affidavit and all that shit,

then I'll use AI for it.

Because I don't know what to hell with it.

But, yeah, the skills will go away.

You'll atrophy.

Because why wouldn't you?

I'm walking by a high school.

I like to look at high schools.

It sounds super pedophile-y.

Like, that's a weird tick of mine.

Eastman Miles track and field.

What high school is this?

Looks like a nice school.

Yeah, they were in uniforms.

I'm going to Google this.

Lacker Hall.

What is the school?

Bishop Lawflin Memorial High School.

Bishop Lawflin.

Okay.

1851.

Holy shit.

All right.

I'd like to Google high schools and get the Wikipedia

and see who went there.

You'd be blown away.

One time I was in way out in Brooklyn.

So, high school.

I googled it.

Who went here?

Harvey Kitell, Marisa Tomey, Debbie Mazar.

I mean, it was fucking crazy.

So, you never know.

Then you get to picture Marisa Tomey as like a young little girl

going to high school in the 70s or whatever the hell that was.

80s.

I don't know.

And you're just like, oh, man.

We're all human.

You know, we put this celebrities on a pedestal.

But we're all human, goddammit.

We all had to start somewhere.

We all had to go to high school.

I love that.

I just think about how different you were in high school, too.

You know?

Like, I was watching the chili peppers dock,

which I enjoyed.

It's very emotional.

I don't want to give too much away,

but there's a lot of heroin, maybe an OD.

But I love to see these guys.

I love a documentary that encapsulates the...

Like, the feeling of growing up there.

They show LA in the early 80s.

They graduated in 1980 in high school.

And they show LA in the early 80s.

And they're young.

They're shirtless.

They're at the beach.

They got to not care in the world.

And I love that.

I love seeing.

And then you cut to LA now.

And it's like,

cleafs and homeless.

And I'm not saying LA is not great.

I'm just saying.

And back then,

it just had a freedom to it.

And...

And...

Oh, wow.

Let's ask you.

What is that?

It's like a workplace.

I got a look in there.

But yeah, back then,

it just had this kind of laid back,

long, blonde hair.

It just had a vibe,

as the kids say.

You know, they're riding convertibles.

They're broke.

They're trying to like scrounge together to change,

to buy a burrito.

They're on Hollywood Boulevard,

dicking around.

Sunset Boulevard.

All that shit.

To smoke in bad weed.

In a shitty car.

I don't know.

It's just cool.

It's like...

Sometimes you see it,

like a murder documentary.

It's setting Colorado Springs.

And you're like,

wow.

Look at this.

These kids with the...

the Gene Jacket with the fur on the collar.

And they're...

the smoke in.

And they go skiing.

During Christmas break.

And they just...

they just like...

badass snow doods.

You know what I mean?

I love that shit.

Hell, New Orleans had that.

I follow all these accounts online,

of my home city,

where it's a lot of like,

old town New Orleans,

you know, old Black Lady,

cutting meat on a counter,

with a white apron on.

And kids play it in the street,

ride on the street car.

And it's a lot of old mansions.

And that's Southern Charm.

Oh, wait.

I love it.

New York, though,

might be the number one.

You watch like French Connection,

or Taxi Driver,

or one of those movies,

where it's just...

it's just great...

great fucking...

shots in New York,

on the yellow cabs,

the Times Square hookers

and porno theaters.

Ah!

The Ramones vibe.

It's great stuff.

What am I on?

Green and Clinton.

All right.

I gotta keep the...

tabs on where I'm at.

Yeah.

Clinton Hill is underrated,

isn't he?

We're just crazy,

pretty round stone.

Just tree-lined streets.

Big lawns.

I mean, Brooklyn is really special.

Some areas old fucking ruin your life, but...

I notice, uh...

I don't want to say I have a speech impediment,

but it's hard for me to say certain words.

Like, I...

I have a joke about the show,

Heated Rivalry.

And I'm on stage going,

hey, I have my wife's watcher here, Harry.

Heated...

Heated Rivalry.

Those Ls.

I'm like an Asian guy.

My Ls are bad.

Heated Rivalry.

Ah, I gotta like focus to say it.

What's up with that?

Um...

But...

Yeah, yeah.

Good game.

Good doc.

I'm halfway through the Ben Stiller doc

about, uh...

Just mom and dad.

What kind of finish that?

It was good.

It was good.

It was heavy.

It was very emotional as well.

A lot of emotion.

I do get a little...

annoyed with people.

And like, this is gonna sound...

Maybe I shouldn't even say this.

But I get a little annoyed when people like...

My parents are...

They died.

And I'm sad.

Or like, uh...

I had a baby.

And it changed my life.

I love my baby.

Like any kind of doc like that,

I get a little bit of, uh...

Yeah, no shit.

Welcome to...

Life.

Everybody has this.

You know, this is completely normal.

Chef Katsy, what's he?

Um...

You know, like...

Oh, whoop.

He do.

Ooh, baby.

You're all chubbed up, aren't you?

You want more, don't you?

Well, you gotta sign up for the rest.

I hate to do it, folks, but I got about 19 pods cooking.

20 jokes to write.

17 cities to see.

And 18...

Kids to...

Dad never mind.

But hey, if you want the rest,

get on board.

Go chime in.

Sign up.

And...

Do it up, folks.

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