Loading...
About this Episode
https://www.solgoodmedia.com Listen to hundreds of audiobooks, thousands of short stories, and ambient sounds all ad free! 'Stand-Up Comedy Broadcasts' captures the raw energy and sharp wit of live stand-up performances. Whether you're a fan of old-school stand-up or modern comedic styles, this podcast delivers an unfiltered dose of laughter directly to your ears.
Hosts & Guests
Transcript
President Barack Obama. Virginia, we are counting on you. Republicans want to steal
enough seats in Congress to raid the next election and wield unchecked power for two more years.
But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st. Help put our elections back on a level
playing field and let voters decide not politicians. Vote yes by April 21st.
Finding great candidates to hire can be like, well, trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure,
you can post your job to some job board, but then all you can do is hope the right person comes along,
which is why you should try Zippercrooter for free at zippercrooter.com slash zip.
Zippercrooter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's powerful technology
identifies people with the right experience and actively invites them to apply to your job.
You get qualified candidates fast. So while other companies might deliver a lot of hey,
Zippercrooter finds you what you're looking for. The needle in the haystack.
See why four out of five employers who post a job on Zippercrooter get a quality candidate within
the first day. Zippercrooter, the smartest way to hire. And right now, you can try Zippercrooter
for free. That's right. Free at zippercrooter.com slash zip. That zippercrooter.com slash zip.
Zippercrooter.com slash zip. President Barack Obama. Virginia, we are counting on you.
Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress to raid the next election and wield unchecked
power for two more years. But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st. Help put our elections
back on a level playing field and let voters decide not politicians vote yes by April 21st.
Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.
In cooperation with the veterans administration dedicated to the citizens who served in our armed
forces now working shoulder to shoulder with their fellow Americans to make a stronger and better
America for us all. Before we join the Higgins at Zippercrooter.com, I'd like to tell you a true story
about one of the world's great conquerors. In November 1944, he was paralyzed by a bullet from an
enemy sniper. After veterans administration, hospital doctors told this man exactly what he was
up against. They explained what they know and what he would have to do. He said okay to deal.
Slowly, painfully, he forced his body to obey his will, trained healthy muscles to do useful work,
learned how to use braces, and now he's home in a house equipped with ramps to make travel easy
for his wheelchair. He built his own typewriter desk, writes a weekly newspaper column,
and he's now ready to enter college. Yes, this veteran is one of the world's mighty conquerors.
He conquered himself. Helped every step of the way by the skill and know-how of the VA's top
notch doctors and nurses, this veteran, this conqueror, is fighting his way back, inspired
to useful and self-reliant citizenship. And that's the goal of the veterans administration.
And now to Sycamore Terrace. Well, the Higgins' home is in a more than usually hectic state.
Has mummy prepares for the arrival of Charles Harding Blair, the eminent author, lecturer,
and traveler. Much to Daddy's disgust, he's going to be their house guest.
Well, come along, Snokes. We'll try to make ourselves presentable for the great Charles Harding Blair.
While you're at it, you might glance through those books on the table.
Of course. Yes, Mr. Blair's book, he wrote them. If at least you can do a glance through them
so you'll have some basis for dinner table conversation. Or Vera, this is going too far.
It is not. Read me about China. Very well, I'll just read something at random.
All right. Traveling in our little skip down the angsty river,
we suddenly came upon a large building. The reader will never guess what it was.
Maybe it was a angsty stadium.
Very funny.
Yeah, I'm funny.
Do you mind if I continue reading?
Please do.
Very well. The reader will never guess what it was.
Although, all along, my number one boy made a feeble pun about the building saying it might be the
Yangtze stadium.
Very funny. Read me some more.
All right. Africa, the mysterious. Chapter three.
Although it was pitch dark out, I suddenly called a halt.
As I instinctively realized, we had reached the banks of the Niaza River.
We stuck camp early the following day and made our way down the Niaza to Nghaggi in the Tata region.
What's the matter, Daddy?
Nothing. That's what it says to you.
Oh, I thought your teeth were slipping.
Well, listen. The third day out, grips my number one boy.
cited the Nghaggi escarpment.
No, must be him.
That's not. Look, it's Mr. Blair.
Straight up this room, hurry. Here's the homeland.
I'll comb your hair.
Right here.
Oh, dear, I'm so excited. I don't even know my own name.
Well, it's not Richard. Open the door.
Ah, yes.
Be still, my heart.
Mr. Blair, I take it. It's so nice to see you.
Come in, won't you?
You are, Mrs. Higgins.
Yes.
And who pray is this?
This is my daughter.
My advice to you, Madam, is not to take her to Africa in the open season.
I've hunted things that look better than that.
Well, I know she's not pretty, but she's very bright.
And well-mannered.
And this?
And my husband, Mr. Higgins.
Nature, Mrs. Higgins, has indeed been unkind to you.
My luck is outside, Mr. Higgins. Would you mind?
A landslide picking Mr. Blair's luggage in, like it dear.
Well, don't stand there, landslide.
Her aim is to Blair's tired, wants to change.
Her aim landslide.
Just call me all along.
So long, all along.
Come in.
Call Mr. Blair.
I brought you up some lunch.
Thanks.
It's good, because I taped it in on the way up.
Yeah, just set it on the table and leave.
Mommy, this is some boiled eggs.
Come on, make your pie.
A pie?
A pie? What kind of pie?
A mud pie.
Take it away.
Take it away.
I have no mud pie.
No mud pie at all.
What are you staring at?
What are you doing?
I'm tight-fiving.
That's what I'm staring at.
Oh, please, child, run along.
I have a lecture to live tomorrow, and I'm trying to finish it.
I want to hear your lecture.
No.
I want to hear your lecture.
What's this thing over here?
That is a beehive.
A real one?
No, it's a model I use in my lecture.
Almost impossible to tell if the real thing is this.
Yeah.
I can almost feel those little bees in there that's singing me.
Even those little bees in there that are singing you are perfectly little models.
Yeah.
A careful at class.
You'll break it.
No.
Don't touch it.
This is here.
This is here.
Yes, I'm out here, Mr. Blair.
Get this human barnacle of yours away from me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Leave Mr. Blair below.
And what were you doing clouling around outside my door?
I just came up to tell you your wanted on the telephone.
Oh.
Well, certainly took you long enough.
I came as fast as I could.
This is a pretty old make-believe beehive.
Those little bees are so cute.
I wonder if we can make it if I just took one.
I'll pick this one.
Oh, I broke it.
What do I do?
Oh, I know.
There's another beehive out in the apple tree.
I'll get it to him and he won't know.
That's just like that.
Love, stop.
What are you doing in that living room?
I just finished cleaning it.
It's all right, darling.
I'm walking on my hands.
Oh, my thought isn't it, Billy?
What?
Charles Harding Blair has decided to say another week with us.
That's the best news I've had since I got my finger
caught in the lawn door.
And guess what else, Lancelot?
Mr. Blair is giving a preview of the lecture,
writing our home this afternoon.
Stupid, Thomas.
I'm having a luncheon for all the women in the ladies'
auxiliary, and you can help.
I've got news for you, Vera.
I won't be here.
I'm leaving my house.
Exactly.
That's how you can help.
Oh.
I want you to take snooks and roads there with you.
Why?
Oh, now Vera, I was going over to my club for a little
relaxation.
Lancelot is very seldom I ask you to take the children
off my hands.
But Vera, it's a men's club.
I was going to play someone's call and take a steam.
What do I do with those kids?
I don't care what you do with them.
Just get them out of the house.
Cough.
Men's castle.
Veterans, when it comes to spending your money on life insurance,
you have the last word.
What kind and how much of it you carry is your business.
However, when so many experts agree, the national service
life insurance is such a good deal.
The advice of the Veterans Administration
seems more than reasonable.
That advice is simply this.
If you have dropped your GI insurance,
get all the facts about it right now.
After you have the whole story, you probably can get your
GI insurance back if you want it.
The shortest way to get the full story about
national service life insurance is to ask the VA
or the insurance men cooperating with the VA.
Then you can decide what to do.
Remember that a sound life insurance program
is an asset to yourselves, your families,
and your communities.
It's the badge of responsible citizenship.
No veteran can afford to plan a life insurance program
without taking a careful look at national service life insurance.
It was provided especially for you and your comrades in uniform
by Congress and a grateful nation.
President Barack Obama.
Virginia, we are counting on you.
Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress
to raid the next election and wield unchecked power for two more years.
But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.
Help put our elections back on a level playing field
and let voters decide not politicians.
Vote yes by April 21st.
Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.
Finding great candidates to hire can be like, well,
trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Sure, you can post your job to some job board,
but then all you can do is hope the right person comes along,
which is why you should try Zip Recruiter for free.
Add ziprecruiter.com slash zip.
Zip Recruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you.
It finds them for you.
It's powerful technology identifies people with the right experience
and actively invites them to apply to your job.
You get qualified candidates fast.
So while other companies might deliver a lot of hey,
Zip Recruiter finds you what you're looking for.
The needle in the haystack.
See why four out of five employers who post a job on Zip Recruiter
get a quality candidate within the first day.
Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire
and right now you can try Zip Recruiter for free.
That's right.
Free.
Add ziprecruiter.com slash zip.
That ziprecruiter.com slash zip.
Ziprecruiter.com slash zip.
President Barack Obama.
Virginia, we are counting on you.
Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress
to raid the next election and wield unchecked power for two more years.
But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.
Help put our elections back on a level playing field
and let voters decide not politicians.
Vote yes by April 21st.
Paid four by Virginians for fair elections.
And now back to the Higgins home in Sikamore Terrace.
Mommy's luncheon is over.
The ladies have settled down and Mr. Charles Harding flares
in the midst of his lecture on the life of the bee.
Let me illustrate ladies by making reference to this model beehive here.
Looks almost real, doesn't it?
If it has a hint somewhere along here, where is that thing?
It can't be Mr. Vlad, there's a bee crawling on your hat.
Now, now, now, let's not let our imaginations other way with it.
These are just imitation bees.
Help!
Well, my guess is safe to go in now.
I don't see any cars.
The women must have gone home.
My Vera.
Oh, why are you crying?
That's a matter, Mommy.
Don't you want the better, Mommy?
Me, you yelling.
What is it?
What's happening?
Let's not hear you.
I've detected that child many times when you wanted to give her a space.
But now I want you to give her the licking of her life.
Will some money please tell me what's happening?
My whole party ruined it because that child from Mr. Blier's model beehive
and substitute it a real one.
It was awful.
There were bees all over the place.
Where's Blier?
He left in a rage.
He's not staying with us anymore.
He's going to Mrs. Jackson.
Well, that's not true.
Don't stand there.
Do something.
Snokes.
I'm not adding.
Come here.
Let's leave the room, Vera.
This is not going to be pretty.
Not too hard, Lancelot.
Just teach her a good lesson.
I'll take care of it.
Outside, Vera.
There's his man's word.
Call me when it's over.
I'll be in the next room.
I didn't mean it.
It's about to happen.
Why, it's quiet.
It's half a dollar.
Yeah.
Now, start falling.
But you didn't hit me.
I'm not going to.
But I want your mother to think I am.
Now, go ahead.
You're loud as though I'm hitting you.
Take this.
Take this.
I love you, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And that's the Here's to Veterans tribute from the Baby Snook Show,
starring Fanny Bryce's Baby Snooks with family staff at his daddy,
Arlene Harris, Alan Reed, the music of Common Dragon and his orchestra,
and me, Harlow Wilcox.
Who, with your sponsor, and the American Federation of Musicians,
the American Federation of Radio Honest, the advertising council,
and this station have donated their services in time to the Veterans Administration
as a big service.
Dune in again for another star studded, Here's to Veterans Show.
And remember, Veterans, for advice and help with your insurance,
education, loans, medical care, and other benefits,
write or visit your nearest Veterans Administration office.
Remember, a well-adjusted veteran means a happier and more prosperous America.
And now, a word from your local announcer.
America's security is your security.
Buy United States Security Bonds.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
This is Win Elliott, your host for guest star,
a transcribed feature program brought to you by United States Security Bonds
and this station, as a public service.
For a secure home in a secure country, invest now in United States Security Bonds.
Like 80 million of your neighbors become a stockholder in America.
Our guest today is one who's been known to theater audiences
since before the beginning of radio.
Here she is in her famous characterization of Baby Snucks,
assisted by Hanley Stafford, his daddy.
Miss Vanny Bryce.
Sucks!
We're going to have a great adventure and music this evening.
I'm taking you to the opera.
I want to look at a movie.
Nonsense. You love the opera.
It's colorful and exciting.
Well, I ain't excited.
Well, listen to what you're going to hear.
Just listen.
Well, does that convince you?
Yeah.
I want to go take a movie.
That's the attitude I'd expect from you.
Don't you know why I'm taking you to the opera?
Well, you got two free tickets.
Oh, that's a deal.
Look, victory opera and match final.
Now, go put on your best dress and find my top hat.
But dad!
Let me know but say about it.
I want to see you down here in 10 minutes with your coat and my top hat.
Can I wear my own hat?
Very funny. Run along.
All right, daddy.
Hurry, I don't want to be.
Hurry, I don't want to be.
Number, please.
I want to speak to Alexander Bumskin.
I beg your pardon.
I want to ask him what he did with my daddy's top hat.
I'm sorry, I'll connect you with information.
All right.
Information.
No.
Did you wish information?
Yes.
What did Alexander do with my daddy's top hat?
Sorry, I do not have that information.
Do you wish me to look up a party for you?
Oh, I haven't got time to bother a party.
Because my daddy is taking me.
So, who do you wish to see?
Alexander!
Do you have his last name?
It's Bumskin.
And his address?
I don't know his address, but his own number is named 2695.
I will connect you.
Hello.
Hello, Alexander.
Hello.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Do you want to come over to my house and fight?
No, Alexander.
I've got to go to the opera.
What do you call me up for?
Do you remember that had you all when we got married?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Your father is so fine.
Well, I need it back.
You getting married again?
No, my daddy wants it.
You know where it is?
Sure.
It's on my snowman.
What's left of it?
Uh-uh.
I guess you're not going to do your father any good.
I guess you're not going to do me any good either.
Well, goodbye.
Sorry, you can't fight with me today, Snook.
Well, why don't you call up Wendy?
Maybe he's free.
No.
He can live me.
Goodbye, Alexander.
Goodbye.
Oh, I love that boy.
Goodbye.
Come here, young lady.
You might as well go right off, but I heard the whole conversation.
And I know all about what happened to my top hat.
Shall I turn it over, daddy?
Nope.
Let's die and my won't spank you.
Do you feel all right?
Of course I do.
But I want to prove to you the value of telling the truth.
Uh-huh.
You tell the truth, but I don't spank you.
This looks like a good time to tell you about the tickets.
We offer tickets?
Uh-huh.
Well, fear chewed up one of them.
What's this for?
It's for you.
Whatever made him do that.
He told me to up the other one.
Yeah, I told the truth again.
Snooks, those were box seats you chewed up.
Daddy, you've taken off your belt.
You're going to spank me.
You told the truth again?
Can't we buy new tickets?
Yes, but not in the same place.
Thank you, baby, Snooks and Daddy.
Now, between the acts, here's Harry Soznik and the security bomb's orchestra,
with a special Soznik arrangement of Irving Berlin's Cheek-to-Cheek.
And now back to Ciccord Terrace and the Opera House.
Snooks and Daddy are making their way to the seats daddy has been forced to buy with his own money.
Snooks, stop counting the steps.
I'm not daddy, I'm counting the balcony.
Well, stop it.
We've only got two more to go.
Get?
No, balconies.
Well, I don't like the upper gate.
You haven't seen it yet.
And stop complaining.
Opera happens to be one of the highest forms of art.
Well, I don't like it.
Well, why?
It's too high.
That's too bad.
The orchestra seats were too expensive.
Right.
Well, it's always that way.
The lower seats are higher.
The lower seats are higher?
Yes.
And the higher seats are lower.
The lower you go, the higher you go, but the higher you look, you see the lower the seats,
and the lower you go, the higher the seats.
I'm an astronaut.
For instance, the orchestra always fires in the balcony.
Now, do you understand?
Yes.
The orchestra sits on the roof.
No.
The audience sits in the orchestra.
Where does the orchestra sit?
Listen, Castello.
Let's put up the whole thing.
You know, dear?
I've always had an affinity for fine music.
The last time I was at the opera, I was single.
I brought you mother here.
Oh, what a beautiful memory.
The opera?
No being single.
Of course.
The curtain's going up.
This is where our seats are.
I don't see our seats.
Oh, they're not reserved.
You sit anywhere you want to.
Anywhere I want to?
Yes.
Get off that lady's lap.
But you take it.
Never mind.
Try it.
We're here in this small tree.
Oh.
We are pre-started.
Okay.
Maybe we can get a couple of single seats.
There's an empty one right there.
In front.
Oh, yes.
And there's another empty one.
Way up behind that post.
Ah.
Well.
Looks as if one of us is going to sit behind a post.
I wonder which one.
No.
You don't think I take advantage of you just because you're a child or you?
Well, do you?
Do I die?
All right.
I'll leave it up to you.
Sit in whichever seat you want.
Come sit right down here.
On the other hand, Snokes.
You have better eyes than I have.
You have a long neck than I.
For that remark, you can go sit behind the post.
That's my daddy.
Go ahead.
I'll see you during the intermission.
Why?
Here next to him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Well, thank heavens I'm rid of it.
Now I can enjoy the opera in peace.
Daddy!
Oh, no.
Not that.
You have.
You have.
I'll ignore her.
This is all I can do.
Is that fresh, your daughter?
No.
Yes, I am.
You please shut her up.
You shut her up.
You shut her up or I'll shut you up.
Take a nifty mouth to bleed you.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
No, it can't.
Whoa!
I want a glass of water!
Well, come on down and sit on my lap.
Sorry I brought you here in the first place.
This is a wonderful opportunity.
What is it?
It's hard to plan to hear.
Don't you see that foreign setting?
Yeah.
The elephant will appear any minute.
There's one now.
That's in your scallopini.
He's the man you're going to sing for later.
Listen to that voice.
Someday you might go up to be just like him.
That's good.
Oh, you like the eyes?
Yeah.
I don't want it if it's your fat man with a pig.
Quiet.
Look, there's another elephant.
That's the prima donna.
I call her the Canary of the West.
Why?
Well, she sings like a Canary.
She looks like a Canary.
She can do anything a Canary can do.
Can she sing like a little boy?
Stop that.
Who's acting all over there?
That's an elephant.
And keep quiet.
Why can't you sit still and listen to the opera?
You shut up.
Can you smell police?
President Barack Obama.
Virginia, we are counting on you.
Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress to raid the next election
and wield unchecked power for two more years.
But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.
Help put our elections back on a level playing field
and let voters decide not politicians.
Vote yes by April 21st.
Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.
Warning, the following Zippercruder radio spot
you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words.
When you're hiring, we at Zippercruder know you can feel frustrated.
For Lauren even.
Like your efforts are futile.
And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people
only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine.
Fortunately, Zippercruder figured out how to fix all that.
And right now, you can try Zippercruder for free.
At zippercruder.com slash zip.
With Zippercruder, you can forget your frustrations.
Because we find the right people for your roles fast.
Which is our absolute favorite effort.
In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zippercruder
get a quality candidate within the first day.
Fantastic.
So whether you need to hire four, 40, or 400 people,
get ready to meet first rate talent.
Just go to zippercruder.com slash zip to try Zippercruder for free.
Don't forget that zippercruder.com slash zip.
Finally, that zippercruder.com slash zip.
President Barack Obama.
Virginia, we are counting on you.
Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress
to raid the next election and wield unchecked power for two more years.
But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.
Help put our elections back on a level playing field
and let voters decide not politicians.
Vote yes by April 21st.
Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.
