The Fifth Hour: Gastronomic Voyeurism

0:00This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. Some people use chatGPT to answer questions. Others use it to get real work done. With chatGPT work, you bring the goal. Plus real inputs like briefs, notes, files, feedback, data, and project plans. It can help turn them into an analysis, tracker, deck outline, prototype, or workflow you can review and keep shaping. You stay in control, giving direction and choosing the final output. Put chatGPT to work on your most ambitious ideas and projects. Get started at chatGPT.com by selecting Work Mode, available on plus and pro plans. Getting to a great idea is hard in college. Non-sensical essays, cringe-inducing presentations, and seemingly unsolvable problem sets. But then, the first thought becomes a final thesis. Jumbled slides transform into a polished keynote, and that midterm assignment gets a lot less mid. Because the road to great ideas is littered with bad ones. You just have to keep going until something clicks.

1:00Great ideas start on Mac. Find out more on Apple.com slash college. This is Matt Rogers from Lost Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Lost Culture East. That's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like, okay, hold on. I got a new favorite food. That's the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Cupid Mayon. Yeah, it's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it at the grocery store. And this mayo is different. Mm-hmm. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Cupid only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Eggs sandwiches, fries, burgers, chefs use it, restaurants use it, people who really care about flavor use it. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. Cupid, the original Japanese mayonnaise. Can I help you? I'm looking for a pan that says, I know what I'm doing. Um, I don't know if that pan exists. Well, I want to get dinner party confidence. Aha, then you need copper. Go all in on what you love with the active cash card and earn unlimited 2% cash rewards on purchases.

2:05Oh, also do you sell those little finishing salts and tiny pulls? Are you a chef? Well, I made short ribs once and here we are. Be a 2%er with the active cash credit card from Wells Fargo. Visit WellsFargo.com slash active cash, terms apply. Toyota's easy choice sales event is on. Whether you're looking for the performance of a camera, the versatility of Arab 4, the efficiency of a Corolla, or all electric driving in the BZ. There's a Toyota that's just right for you. And with great deals across the lineup, now's the time to find yours. But hurry, these deals won't last long. Toyota's easy choice sales event and soon. We make it easy. Toyota, let's go places. Cable. If you thought four hours a day, 1200 minutes a week was enough, think again. These are the last remnants of the old republic. A sole fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter, the same as the rich pill poppers in the penthouse.

3:08To clearing house of hot ticks, break free for something special. The fifth hour with Ben Mallor starts right now. In the air everywhere, the fifth hour with me, Ben Mallor and you. We are together here on this college football Saturday. You're listening live on tape to the fifth hour as it is the fifth day of September. There are just 117 days to go. That's it. And then we move on to 2027, the express train. True, true, not wasting any time, not wasting any time. You are in safe hands on this podcast. This Saturday special. We've got the exit Hall of Fame, the Mona Lisa of mutilated spuds. And who knows what else we begin though, celebrating the most appropriate holiday for today.

4:09As so many as you are listening, this are tailgating out about enjoying collegiate football. It is national tailgate day today. A literal term, which I think we all know, right? There's no one theory on the origin story of tailgating. It obviously involves the automobile, the lowering of the tailgate in 1869. There's a origin story where fans supposedly gathered around the first college football game Rutgers and Princeton. Although that's not modern tailgating. There's another story involving Yale, some of the historians saying that the fans at Yale would travel by train to games in the late 1800s and they brought food and drinks because get this. Apparently in the 1800s, they had not figured out how to price gouge the people that went to college football games

5:15because the concessions were not exactly booming at that time. And then when the modern automobile came around shortly after that and became a thing in the early to mid 20th century, well, that's when it really obviously became the deal that it is today. The greatest tailgating I've ever been to is either Buffalo. I got to say probably Kansas City. I've not been to a Packer game. I've heard amazing things about Green Bay and the tailgating there. I was at an Oklahoma Sooners game. That was pretty wild. People were boozing and barbecuing it like eat in the morning. That was next level. The bills mafia. They've got all the table jumping and all that. They didn't have that. When I was at a bills game, it was before that became a thing. And Kansas City, my guy Bob Fesco, he took me to a chiefs tailgate and it was one of the great days I had. They had this symbolic burning of the, they were playing the Broncos and they had this symbolic burning of the stuffed animal horsey.

6:18But I love barbecue, so that was great. I've heard a lot of good things about old myths. The fact that they're going to be in this, the grove, which is supposedly they don't tailgate in your usual stereotypical asphalt parking lot. They, the fans of the Rebels, the old Miss Rebels. They gather beneath trees on campus there at the grove. Remember there was that famous incident back in the day. It's also World Beer Day today. World Beer Day, which is something I celebrate when I'm too lazy to shave. Now World Beer Day moves every year because it falls on the first Saturday of September, which is today, the unofficial holiday, a celebration of Beards. And Alexander the Great, you want some fun facts about Beards? Yes, you do. I know you do for a dog and an elf. I know and Malar prop guy. Alexander the Great reportedly encouraging his soldiers to shave partly because this is so great. Because an enemy could grab a beard during hand to hand combat.

7:21And so he's like, listen, it's a competitive advantage. Reminds me every once in a while somebody will come out in the NFL and have really long hair. And this has happened a few times. I've done monologues on it. And then inevitably it'll be like a running back or something. And the defensive player will just grab the hair and twist it. And they're like, what are we doing? Yeah. And about that. Now an ancient Egypt facial hair would signify status. However, some ferros famously wore false Beards. Even back then they were con artists. Now my favorite Beards story, which is the most American Beards story you could have, goes back to the 1860s, Abraham Lincoln, who kind of became a big deal. He grew out his legendary beard. Every time you see an image of Abraham Lincoln with almost, I can't think of anyone I've seen in years that didn't have the beard. He always has the beard.

8:21The legend. And who knows this could be like George Washington and the cherry tree. Who knows. I wasn't alive. You weren't alive then. Abraham Lincoln supposedly grew his famous beard because an 11 year old girl named Grace Spadell wrote him in the 1860s. Essentially saying, hey, dude, you're ugly. And if you grow some whiskers, that would actually improve your appearance. And he did. Now I wonder Lincoln kept losing elections. I think it was like eight times before you finally got, got elected. If he had had the beard earlier, would that have helped him politically? And he was the first US president Abraham Lincoln to wear a full beard wall in office. Of course, to be fair, there hadn't been that many presidents prior to Lincoln. The ZZ top, which was big when I was a kid, Billy Gibbons. I mean, that's, that's next level and Dusty Hill, the enormous beards. And my favorite part of that is, and I remember my, my, some of my boys pointing out that we thought it was hilarious that the drummer named Frank Beard.

9:29Ironically, was the only member without a giant beard in ZZ top. And his name was literally a beard. I think, what are we doing? They've been crazy. So I, Peter, the great of Russia had a beard tax. Because why not just tax everything, just tax everything and knock yourself out. That is a bunch of other stuff. But that's enough. Now we get to a special feature add on item. This is not on the main menu. It is an add on item. It is the exit hall of fame Lane Kiffin edition. Benny's big board. So I'd mentioned this during the week. And I really want to dig into do it. So I don't do lists as you know, Terry in England, who's been on the mailbag with me. And now it does not listen live. Unfortunately, with my man Terry in England, not a list. Benny's big board Lane Kiffin's exit hall of fame will go from four to one, four to one, grading these on things like humiliation, absolute chaos.

10:36That's the key thing here. Absolute chaos, bitterness and the overall absurdity, which is just a regular day in the world of Lane Kiffin, who is the modern day carnival barker of our times in football. And I was worried. I remember with some of the bigger names in college football, exited. I was like, oh man, these guys are all kind of boring. And I guess every generation has to have these groups of clowns. And I'm all for it. I'm all for it. And Lane's my age. I think we're about the same age. So I don't know if that's a good thing or not. All right. Number four on Benny's big board. Not a list. Not a list. Number four. Yeah. And then I mentioned some of the last time he was around, David, Mike Chiffin's exit hall of fame. Well, we got to go with Tennessee. The great Knoxville escape. We were on the radio at Fox and 2010 documenting which was after just one season, a seven and

11:36six record for Lane Kiffin. Fourteen months after he arrived in Tennessee, Lane Kiffin got a phone call from his besties out And he decided, hey, that's my dream job. That's my dream job. So he announced Lane Kiffin that he was leaving Tennessee for USC. The players were up in arms because it was no NIL at that time. And people had gone there and dedicated themselves to Lane Kiffin. So players were upset. The student body descended at the football complex. There was mass chaos. There were mattresses and sofas being burned on the street. Police became involved. Tennessee officials accused Lane Kiffin staff of dirty pool, contacting recruits on the way out. And so Lane essentially escaped Knoxville. Well, there was a mob of volunteer nation.

12:36And they were holding pitchforks and torches. So the main reason this is only number four is he wasn't fired. Right? He left. Like he left. And that was mild compared to some of the other things that happened. Now number three on the big board. Benny's big board Lane Kiffin's exit hall of fame. Number three USC. 2013. So very leaves Tennessee Lane Kiffin goes to SC. That's his dream job. Way to go. All right. So USC went from the number one team in the preseason that year. And that meant something, I guess, for some people boosters. So they were the number one team before the 2012 season. And they went seven and six. There seems to be a pattern here. And the heat was on. It continued in the 2013. And then the sun devils. Arizona State in tempi where all the hot girls are in tempi Arizona.

13:39Arizona State beat USC 62 to 41. SC gave up 62 points. So the Trojans fly back with their tail between their legs to Los Angeles. They land around three in the morning at LAX. And who do you think says, wait a minute, time out. That would be then athletic director Pat Hayden. Who gives Lane Kiffin the tap on the shoulder summons Lane Kiffin for a meeting near the runway. Lane then argues, like, what are you doing? You know, give me more time. And the pat Hayden says, X-Nay on the time A. And you're out of here. It was in some room at LAX. So Kiffin didn't even ride the team bus back to the campus. And it became one of the great, one of the great stories of the last generation in college sports. There's a term called tarmac.

14:39Lane Kiffin is responsible. And SC really pat Hayden because of what he did there. The term tarmac, which technically the firing happened in some room at the airport near the runway. Rather than literally underneath the wing of the plane. But when the legend becomes the fact you go with the legend. And it's the man that shot Liberty Balance. And this is that Lane Kiffin went wheels up as USC's coach and landed unemployed. Number two, we got to go way back almost 20 years ago, 2008. I was doing weekend overnight at Fox Sports Radio, 2008 and the Al Davis public execution for Lane Kiffin. And this is wacky to back. So Al Davis hired at the time a 31 year old Lane Kiffin. The spawn of Monti Kiffin respected beloved defensive guru Monti Kiffin.

15:40So Lane Kiffin at age 31 gets an NFL head coaching job despite Kiffin had never been a head coach. And after 20 games Lane Kiffin coached a team like he had never coached before. Five and 15, everything became toxic Lane became radioactive with Al Davis. And then Al Davis did one of the great things possible. He fired Lane Kiffin over the telephone. However, that's just the beginning of the store. That's not enough. Al called a news conference. And he brought in props like Carrot Topp. He brought in the overhead projector wearing the signature Al Davis white jumpsuit. He had the overhead projector. And for as I remember and it might have been a little less than this. It was about 10 hours. It might have been only an hour. Al Davis publicly made his case. He prosecuted his case against Lane Kiffin.

16:46He among other things and I went back and I checked my notes. He said Al Davis that Lane Kiffin conned him was a flat out liar and a professional liar. And he argued that Kiffin disgraced the Raiders organization. So the Raiders fired Kiffin for cause, meaning they didn't have to pay the remainder of his contract. Kiffin of course, lawyer it up and an arbitrator eventually cited with the Oakland Raiders. So Lane Kiffin lost a ton of money. And it's so funny looking back on it. And now Davis talking about how Lane Kiffin had disgraced the Raiders organization. If only Al knew what his son was going to do. And now crossed over the pearly gates. My God. So that was number two and number one on the Lane Kiffin Lane Kiffin exit Hall of Fame. Not a list. Benny's big board. Not a list. We don't do list. So number one, Ole Miss just this past year.

17:46Tarmac 2.0 the Oxford hostage crisis. Now the reason this one is at the very top is because unlike the other gigs where he was mediocre at Tennessee. Didn't do a good job at SC. Stunk with the Raiders. He'd actually found success Lane Kiffin in Oxford, Mississippi. And this makes it extra special. Ole Miss was 11 and one. They were a top 10 team in College Football. They were headed towards the College Football Playoff. And that had the perfect mix of ingredients for this amazing situation. So you'd think, hey, everyone would be happy. Lane would be happy. And the fan base, the poosters would be happy. Well, nothing's that easy with Lane. So turned out LSU wanted Lane Kiffin. And they would offer him whatever he wanted. Florida had also been interested. Ole Miss is like, well, we don't want you to leave Lane.

18:46We kind of like you. You're doing a good job and you fit into what we're doing. So we want to keep you. And so it was all this speculation for weeks and weeks and weeks that played out. And then it came down to decision day. And so Lane Kiffin, would he stay? Would he go? Turns out he decided, of course, I'm a carpet bagger and I'm out of here. So he took off for Louisiana. And that's where things got just insane to the membrane. So Lane wanted to take the LSU job. However, he figured, well, we're 11 and 1. Why don't I just finish out the year here at Ole Miss? And that will be that. Well, Ole Miss said, well, that seems like a really bad idea. That seems like a bad idea. I think we're going to go know on that. So Kiffin using his buddies in the media, his useful in the media, he's campaigning using buddies in the media. Sir, he gets in the media. And so then he said, well, if they don't let me coach, I'm going to take the coaches with me to Ole Miss. I want to allow them to finish the season.

19:47And Ole Miss promoted Pete Golding and then said, okay, well, we're going to just not have Lane Kiffin. And then that led to the Grand Finale, the Finale. Another airport. Again, Ole Miss fans, a mob of them, descended on the small airport in Oxford, Mississippi. Lane Kiffin's departing assistance getting booed, the family's getting booed, police began turning away fans because the parking lots were full. Not a lot going on in Oxford, Mississippi. Kiffin arrives through the auxiliary entrance, the emergency personnel helping keep fans away. A state trooper escorts the vehicle down the runway. Lane gets out and boo, boo that man. Boo, obscenities, middle fingers, you know the drill. Little girls, cute little girls, cursing.

20:47As Lane would call them the hotties. And angry rebel fans going, oh, my over the top, it was so crazy, right? And what a send off, like the last plane out of a war zone. And then hours later, Lane Kiffin arrived in Louisiana and he was God's gift to football. The LSU fans loved him. He went from villain to conquering hero in the length of a flight from Oxford, Mississippi to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, just like that. And so what an amazing run. And you got to think that he's not going to last at LSU. He doesn't last anywhere. And he'll just move on. He'll go back to the NFL and say, I want to see if I can figure the NFL out. And that bad taste of Al Davis is overhead projector prosecution. How dare you?

21:47It's amazing. You'd think one of these things would be enough. Like most people have, if you're a coach, you have one really nasty breakup. And you got to be good to have a breakup. But Lane Kiffin has created a four-part Netflix docu series called How to Lose a Football Job at Ali VIII People at the same time. This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try new food and suddenly it's like, wait. That's the reaction. A lot of people are having when they first try QB Mayo. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it in the grocery store before. And if you've ever just walked past it, some people would say that's a huge mistake. Because this mayo is different. Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. QB only uses egg yolks, which gives it this rich umami flavor. It's smoother, deeper, and almost buttery. Once people try it, they start putting it on everything. Eggs sandwiches, fries, burgers, some fans even swear by dipping pizza crust in it.

22:51And once you notice it, you start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it, restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Never try it, grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're out of the store. Put it on just about anything, then you'll understand. QB, the original Japanese mayonnaise. Toyota's easy choice sales event is on. Whether you're looking for the performance of a camera, the versatility of Arab 4, the efficiency of a Corolla, or all electric driving in the BZ. There's a Toyota that's just right for you. And with great deals across the lineup, now's the time to find yours. But hurry, these deals won't last long. Toyota's easy choice sales event ends soon. We make it easy. Toyota, let's go places. Chatchy PT can do more than answer questions. It can help you get real work done. Chatchy PT work is built for bigger projects with multiple steps. You bring the goal, along with the information it needs. Like briefs, notes, files, feedback, calendars, data sets,

23:53or project plans. Then, Chatchy PT can help turn all of that into something useful, an analysis, a tracker, a deck outline, a prototype, or a workflow you can keep shaping. It can also use approved apps, connected tools, files, and browser context to help move the work forward. And you stay in control. You give direction, review drafts, approve actions, redirect the work, and choose the final output. So you spend less time sorting through busy work, and more time making progress on the work that matters. Put Chatchy PT to work on your most ambitious ideas and projects. Get started at chatchypt.com by selecting WorkMove, available on plus and pro plants. Working for professionals in the US plant more than they harvest, while also caring for water, wildlife, and more. It's how we grow a sustainable future. Learn more at workingforacinitiative.com. The ocean delights us as playful otters restore coastal kill for us.

24:57The ocean teaches us how our choices impact even the deepest places. The ocean connects us. Visit monorebeacorium.org slash connects. All right, now to the Mona Lisa of mutilated spuds. I have leftovers. I have vagus leftovers. Now, not actual leftovers. Those would not have survived in the Malar Mobile. I'm talking about more leftover tails from the naked city, where the names are often omitted to protect the guilty. The naked city, they say it never sleeps. I say it never stops eating. The things I have for you do not make any kind of official itinerary. These are the little moments where you stop and say, what exactly is happening here? And we begin with steak. It's just a piece of steak. Now, I have said from the bully pulpit for years that I am not a steakhouse guy.

26:01Never have been. It's not my jam. And there's a very simple reason for this. I am part of the silent group of highly educated people. People who eat their meat well done. I know. I know. I know. You might be giving me that metaphorical death stare as you listen. I used to like a mallard and then you told me about that. I can't listen. Let me tell you something. You snake snobs. You can clutch your pearls. You can scream at the computer, your phone, whatever. Well done you animal. Yes, well done. Well done. My people are legends like Al Michaels. No vegetables. Well done. The great rob Parker. Puka Nuku of the ramps. Kenny Albert, the great broadcaster Kenny Albert.

27:02Burn baby burn. And butterfly cut before you burn it. I want that cow to have no chance. No chance of being resuscitated. I don't want the veterinarian to go into the room and say, okay, let me go over to the table. You know, why don't I take that playback? Give me about 20 minutes and I can save the cow. I see enough blood there. No. Cook it. This creates a problem. When you go to a high end steakhouse, it just does. Because when you order a ribeye and you say, what would you like it? You remember Jim Nance, the famous story of Jim Nance, and he said, how do you like your toast? And he had a photo of burn toast. So if I wanted to listen, how do I want my ribeye? And the guy says, how do you want my ribeye? I said, well, let me go out and I'll show you my car. And I want to show you the tires of my car. That's what I wanted to look like. So you do that. And the waiter looks at you like you just asked him to urinate on the American flag.

28:02I mean, there's no way. Right? Then there's, unless you're like Colin Kaepernick or something like that. But there's a pause, right? A judgmental pause. Yeah. Well, sir, well done. Yeah, yeah, I like my, I like my steak well done. Sir, are you sure you want the steak well done? And then like, well, did I stutter? No, I didn't stutter. That's what I want. And somewhere in the kitchen, the chef is putting my photograph on a dartboard and crossing my photograph with a red X and a red X. Right? And so steak houses have never been my thing. But the last time we were in Vegas, we ended up at this place called herbs and rye as part of a social gathering. Now, it's off the strip. They have terrific happy hour deals. And you can get a really nice steak without having to surrender your 401k, your firstborn child, and the naming rights to your dog. So it's a good place.

29:03I enjoyed it. It's affordable by Vegas standards. It's affordable. So the plan this time was to simply go back. And then the radio studio situation fell apart as we've talked about. And this is where we introduce my friend, Bob Ross, PBS legend, Bob Ross, because the studio snafu became a happy little accident. No radio studio available for me to broadcast from on Thursday and Friday. Ment that I suddenly had an extra night in Las Vegas. Normally, that would be bad. That would be bad. Vegas has a way of turning unexpected free time and do a police report, if you've ever seen the hangover, you know how that works. But my guy, Slug, who has been a loyal member in the Malamilistia and a friend of the show for many, many years, the man who helps put together these Malam� and greets in Vegas. So my guy, Slug, has been telling me for years that I needed to visit his restaurant. Now, I'm not going to name the restaurant.

30:04You know, Tails from the Naked City. I'm not going to even name the hotel the restaurant is that. We'll just call it Slug's secret steak Emporium. Now, Slug would say, you gotta come in, Mallor. The food's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure it's amazing. Yeah, everybody says their restaurant is amazing. Everybody says that. Nobody ever says, come on in here. We're serving dog food. It's a great restaurant. I thought you'll love the dog food. I never say the food is mediocre. And our mashed potatoes taste like drywall. You know, like the famous story. I think we talked about. I'll have to check with my guy, Nico in Vancouver. See, I think we talked about this a while back on the mashed potatoes at KFC, the one food dish that Colonel Sanders, the guy behind Colonel Sanders KFC hated was the mashed potatoes. Anyway, so I figured Slug was doing what everyone does.

31:06He was embellishing. Yada, yada, yada, sure Slug. Yeah, he had mentioned that some big name NFL executives and Hollywood stars were regular customers at his restaurant. And I'm like, okay, sure, please. You know, how good could a steakhouse be at a hotel on the strip in Vegas? When I think of a steakhouse, I think of a standalone location with valley parking and all these things. Well, I do Oslug a rare and appropriate, rare and appropriate apology. Because the man rolled out the red carpet, the VIP treatment, the wife and I went on an actual fancy steak date. So I got some bonus points. And this obviously was not my natural habitat, not I had to wear nice clothes, somewhat nice clothes. I am much more comfortable eating something out of a paper bag

32:06with a plastic spork from KFC while sitting in my car. This is a different. You know, you're sitting there, you got a nice leather booth, dim steakhouse mood lighting, just a really beautiful room. And I'm really not someone that cares too much about the ambience. But this was great. Like, I don't care about my wife's going to Walmart because of the lighting. She complains, I'm like, I don't care. They give me a better deal. I'll go anywhere for a better deal. First class service. Now, the waiter was not slugged. The guy was amazing. The guy was outstanding. It was tremendous. Now, this wasn't some run-of-the-mill restaurant where the ketchup bottle makes a farting noise when you squeeze it. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, this was not it. This was class. And so we looked at the menu. We analyzed it like we were looking at what plays the call in the Super Bowl. We ordered, obviously, there was some steak. There was a lot of bread. There were side dishes up to the moon.

33:06More side dishes. At some point, I believe, we ordered part of the furniture. I blame my wife for that. I did not do that. And then the mashed potatoes arrived. Now, mashed potatoes are normally an afterthought. Nobody plans their evening around mashed potatoes. I've get to meet someone who proposes marriage to mashed potatoes. Nobody wakes up at 3.30 in the morning screaming, my God, those potatoes were orgasmic. They're mashed potatoes. They're the base player of the steakhouse. They're there. They're important as important as something like that could be. However, nobody bought the concert ticket to see the base player. Except these potatoes. And I don't want to oversell it. These potatoes were different. This was the Mona Lisa of mutilated spots.

34:06Smooth, creamy, excruciating. It was potato candy. I was like, this is really mashed potatoes. This must be something else. I took one bite. I looked at my wife. I was like, well, am I sure about this? I took another bite and I said, oh my God, what the hell is going on? How did they make the mashed potatoes? Did these potatoes attend culinary finishing school somewhere in the mountains in Switzerland, the Alps? Were they massaged before the first day of the day? Were they massaged before being mashed? Were these potatoes raised in a loving two-parent potato household? Because these were not normal potatoes. I wanted to interview the potato. I wanted to interview the potato maker, the sous chef who made the potatoes. And I wanted to talk to the potato and say, listen, when did you realize you were destined for greatness? This is the Tom Brady, the Michael Jordan,

35:06the Babe Ruth of the Potato. Now, don't get me wrong. The steak was great. The bread was outstanding. Some of the greatest sourdough bread I've ever had. I think it was sourdough bread. Everything was wonderful. However, these mashed potatoes, these mashed potatoes were Mozart. The potatoes were secretariat at the Belmont. It was the Sistine Chapel. If Michelangelo had worked in Idaho, it was like spud in Idaho. And we ate until eventually it happened. We were stuffed to the gills. I was sitting there in that leather-bound booth looking like I was about to apply for a job at Blimpies. You feel me? Yeah. I was back to my old ways. My stomach had filled so much I had to file a cease and desist order. All right. My stomach had to. And here's the embarrassing part. We didn't even make it to dessert.

36:06We're talking about a high-end restaurant, a rare meal like this. I don't usually eat at these places. Special meal, rare night out, and my Lord-ass filled up before dessert. I shamed my previous self. I let down fatty from back in the day. This is amateur hour. It's kind of like going to Disneyland and getting tired in the parking lot. Like what are you doing? You know, you just walk over to the tram and you got tired. So I had failed. However, on the official malar scale of culinary arts, from one to ten, slugs, secret restaurant, receives, and I'm not going to go crazy here. A 99. That's the good news. The bad news is yet again, I believe slug has ruined steak for me and the wife. So think of it like a blessing and a curse, a double-edged steak knife. Because the next night we went back, not realizing that our love of steak

37:07of steak had been silly because we went to the greatest steakhouse we'd ever been to. So we went back to this place called herbs and rye. Now herbs and rye was good, perfectly good. But now we had seen the mountain. When you see the mountain, you can't go back. It's like flying first class and then getting assigned seat 47 B. You know, back of the plane, you're near the bathroom. You can smell the poo and you're sitting in between two fat guys who hadn't showered since the Clinton administration. When Bill was chasing Monica Lewinsky around the White House to get the tongue bath, it's just your room. So we arrived Friday night without reservations to this steakhouse, which was a brilliant tactical maneuver unless it was not. Friday, Las Vegas, popular restaurant, no reservation, what could possibly go wrong?

38:07Well, two hours of sitting in the car waiting. Our name was on the list. Your seventh on the list, your sixth on the list, your fifth on the list, if people don't show up to the reservation, we'll move you up. So we're sitting there in the parking lot. I'd have the car on because it was still like 100 degrees. I'm playing enough solitaire at this point on my phone where I briefly considered joining the professional solitaire circuit if there's a way to do that. Eventually, we finally got the message. You are now allowed to enter. Again, so we went back. I'd been this place before, nice room, good lighting, everything pretty much as I remembered it. And we sat down and to our left are two tables. At one table, there's another couple enjoying a nice steak dinner right there. At the middle table.

39:07So we're on one side on the other side of the room that there's the couple having their steak. And in the middle table, there's a pretty attractive young woman. I don't know how old she was. I imagine she's probably in her late 20s, early 30s. And she's sitting there completely alone. And she had a big old steak, like a porterhouse steak there had a glass of what appeared to be wine. She had some side dishes. And then in front of her, she was by herself. There was a phone mounted on a little stand. And she's talking on the phone or she's talking to the phone. She's not checking the phone. She's not texting. She's not having a, you know, some kind of, she's not taking a picture of the steak or anything like that. She's just kind of like, it's weird. I've never seen this before. She's having dinner with her iPhone. And like, she's talking to the phone. Like, there's a full conversation. I'm watching this and I'm thinking, have I entered into another dimension of the twilight zone?

40:09I have seen a lot of bizarre activity at restaurants as, you know, I've lived a good amount of my life. And I've seen a lot of things. I've seen people clip their fingernails, pick boogers. I've seen screaming children. A lot of those rug rats at restaurants. I've seen old people fighting with other old people, young people fighting with other young people. I've seen people send food back because apparently the parsley offended them. And, you know, eating three quarters of their meals saying, I didn't like this meal. I'm not going to pay for it. We just ate three quarters of it. I don't care. I'm not paying for it. I've never seen this. So again, an attractive woman, all dolled up. She had a nice sexy outfit on. And she's having an intimate steak dinner. She got all dressed up to have a nice steak dinner with her iPhone. And apparently this is the thing. So I started fudging around doing some keyboard research and all that. And I was like, whoa, like things that make you go, huh?

41:10Like this, I was like, is it a virtual day? It could have been on live stream. It could have been, there's a term I looked up called muck bang. That is from our friends in South Korea. Muck bang. That is the phenomena that apparently took off. I guess about 20 years ago, according to what I found on the internet where people broadcast themselves eating while interacting with the internet. Sometimes receiving virtual gifts or donations. So it's like panhandling for biscuits. Is that what that is? So I found out there's a phrase other than muck bang, which I'm going to use. And it's floating around the dark web for the broader fascination with watching other people eat. It's called gastronomic voyeurism. What in the world? What in the world? Gastronomic voyeurism. Now that is a phrase gastronomic voyeurism. It sounds like something you would make up for a comic book or something.

42:16It wouldn't be real. And it's like something you should have to disclose, I guess, if you're applying for a loan for your mortgage or something. What are your hobbies? Well, I imagine that on like a dating site. Well, I enjoy hiking, reading, and gastronomic voyeurism. Yeah, okay. Call security. However, apparently some of you people enjoy watching other people eat. And it's very odd. I don't get it. People watching people play video games. It used to be a big thing. I guess it still is. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I'm just not wired that way. Hey, knock yourself out. This is Matt Rogers from Los Cultures. It's us with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. It's Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. You know when people try a new food and suddenly it's like, okay, hold on. I got a new favorite food. That's the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Cupid Mayon.

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45:20It's been a long bumpy road dealing with yet another bladder infection. And driving to the pharmacy to pick up meds, I went over a pothole and a little pee came out. So now I get to stand in line with peepee pants. Next time skip the pain and get fast free delivery with Amazon Pharmacy. Health care just got less painful. So I had many questions as we were sitting down getting ready to get our food. Like, is there a minimum wage on this? Like, how much would that be? Is there one person watching or 500 people watching? Is somebody in Cleveland sending her $20? Because she ate a baked potato and a sultry sexy way? Does the restaurant know about this? Do you have to get permission? You're broadcasting from the restaurant. Do you have to get permission? Is there a SAG card that you have to get for this? Is Jeff to have an agent?

46:23You imagine if you have an agent, how fricking nuts would that be? And your agent calls you, well listen sweetheart, I can get you a table of Apple Bees on Tuesday. What a burger on Thursday. But I talked to the people over at Ruth's Chris, yeah Ruth's Chris, the famous steakhouse, yeah, yeah. They say they will get you a table but they want exclusivity. They want you to be loyal to them. They don't want you going to what a burger, Apple Bees or Weenerschnitzel. They don't want you going to Culver's. You're not allowed to go to Culver's. You could only go to Ruth's Chris. Well, what if I want to go to Bojangles? You can't go to Bojangles. Only Ruth's Chris. Okay. And the only thing I was saying was like, does this, this has to only work for checks, right? This can't work for men. Right? I couldn't do this. I mean, I could do it. Imagine me getting my phone and putting a stand there and I'd buy a stand on Amazon and having people pay money to watch six foot something bald dude, middle aged or older now,

47:26inhale chicken fingers. Me thinks not so much. Now I suspect the market has spoken. Nobody is going to send virtual roses to me because I successfully finished the bread basket. And anyway, I'm an introvert. I could do the camera thing because you're not actually physically there. Now normally I have absolutely no interest in talking to strangers in social situations. I just don't. You could sit next to me for six hours on a Delta flight from God only knows where. And I will happily pretend that you do not exist. However, this woman, for some reason I want an answer. I wanted to walk over and say, excuse me ma'am, what the hell are you doing? Now my wife sent this. As you know, if you're married or if you're a wife or a future wife or a former wife, wives have radar.

48:31She looked at me and immediately gave me the universal married person wife signal, like a bat signal. She gave me the look. Not a finger. She didn't point the finger. She gave me the look. The look every husband knows the look. It says, don't you dare. And often it's just shortened to don't. There are no words necessary other than just don't. The eyes say knock it off. Do not turn this into an awkward situation. It's already an awkward situation. Just don't make any more awkward. So I obeyed against every. Journalistic instinct in my body. Not that I'm really a journalist. I I I let sleeping dogs lie. Or in this case, I let a 20 something woman continue to have a cyber state date with her phone. And that is apparently these zeitgeist of where we are right now.

49:34That's that's the spot we're in. Forget dinner for two. Can I have dinner for one plus three thousand seven hundred anonymous people and bots on the internet. Well, anyway, that was that then came our final meal. The following day after the the meet and greet a nice Italian meal in this place. It's not just in a Italian restaurant. It's open to one in the morning. That is my kind of restaurant. You can get chicken parm chicken par marjana as Marcelle and Brooklyn would say it in midnight. That is civilization. We stopped at this place called bootleggers. Called bootleggers. If you've ever been there, it's good. And they got a bar. Nice little bar. It's a giant restaurant. They host a lot of weddings and things like that. It's on our way out of Vegas heading back towards L.A. It's on Las Vegas Boulevard, but not the part of the strip where it's all built up. And eventually there'll be hotels down there and all that.

50:34And so fun. I ordered my chicken parm. Got my side of Feta Chini alfredo. Little garlic bread had my water. Nothing complicated. Standard order for me in the Italian restaurant. I was physically drained. Because this was hours after being talked out. And way too much socializing at the Malar meet and greet. So there really wasn't much conversation with my wife. There was a lot of looking at our phones and just kind of mumbling. And just me, the wife and my chicken parm and Feta Chini. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. I enjoyed the garlic bread. I had five bites of the chicken parm. I had two bites of the Feta Chini alfredo. I then took a drink of water. And I was a little tired. I was in the weird spot. And the glass slipped slightly just slightly out of my hands. And it hit the table, my glass of water. And as the late great almacoi, at least late from the voice of the suns and whatnot.

51:34As almacoi, the old suns broadcaster used to say on those radio broadcasts. Wham, bam, slam, kaboom, curfewi. The glass exploded. It didn't just crack. Not a chip or two. It exploded. Exploded hundreds, if not thousands of pieces, all over my side of the table, covering my chicken parm. Right? Covering my chicken parm. The whole thing. Yeah. And it looked like somebody had thrown a brick through a windshield. And I've had that happen. I was driving actually the sunroof on my Malemobile. I got hit with a brick. And let me tell you, that glass goes everywhere. So, and the glass here was in the air everywhere on the table. As I said, it was in my plate all over the chicken parm. The Feta Chini. And I looked at my wife.

52:34I said, listen, did I slam this thing down? Did I do so? I didn't seem like I slammed it. And she was looking. She said, no. I was like, I must have developed incredible Hulk strength. And she said, no, no, no, you didn't slam it. It just kind of slipped. I saw it slipped out of your hand. And so apparently I hit the exact microscopic pressure point on the glass. And I found the Achilles heel of a water tumbler, whatever you want to call it. And Bruce Banner takes gamma radiation. This must have been my determination was that, well, I don't have gamma radiation like Bruce Banner. This must have been leftover from that mashed potatoes that I had had the night before. The same result, the Hulk smash water glass. Unfortunately, my newly discovered superpower destroyed my dinner. I took, again, five bites of the chicken parmigiana, a couple of bites of the Feta Chini.

53:34I had a lot of garlic bread. And that was it. The chicken parm was contaminated by shrapnel. I was like, well, I could probably pick the glass out. And the wife said, it's on that. Now, the restaurant was very nice. They offered to make me another meat, you know, dish of chicken parmigiana and Feta Chini. And I said, no, I don't want that. And then because I was like kind of in a bad mood. And I was like, I was actually kind of full anyway. I was just drained. And so they took the meal off the bill, which was very kind. So I do want to thank the fine people. I'll name the restaurant Bootleggers called Bootleggers, a Thai restaurant in Vegas. Good Italian food, nice people, pretty cool bar area, weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, all that stuff. And apparently glassware that recognizes my immense physical power and immediately surrenders. So there was that. Now, I have one final final. I know I'm getting long here, but one final Vegas leftover.

54:34It was not as hot as some previous trips. When I say not as hot, it was only like 112 a couple of days. Only 112. That's Vegas logic, by the way. Beautiful day today. The dashboard only melted a little bit. That was good. It only melted a little baby steps. So my wife was still in bed. This was on. I guess it was on Saturday. My wife was in bed. So I walked a couple of blocks. There was a store that I was, I was going to just walk. It's a clothing store, but they have a discount section, which is pretty big and closed for me. So I was like, all right. So it's like two blocks away. Again, 112 degree heat. Yeah. Not tactical genius. As I'm walking, I look underneath the hotel area. And there it is. The entrance. Now, what is it? The entrance to a secret casino. A secret casino is speak easy. No, no, no, no. The entrance to a demon portal. The famous tunnels underneath Las Vegas. I've seen YouTube videos on this.

55:35I've seen documentaries on this. They're really the flood control infrastructure of Las Vegas. Not some actual underground metropolis, the hidden city. However, people have created their lives underground, make shift living spaces down there. Because if your home was in Vegas, it's not always a good idea to sit out in 112 degree rather. And so again, I had seen some videos on this over the years. This strange subterranean world beneath all the glitz and glamour of Vegas and all the gambling and debauchery of the casino. But I'd never noticed one of the entrances like this. Like right in front of me on my own eyes. And I was walking and there it was. It was dark concrete. Signs basically telling you stay out, keep out. It's not safe. And so you're thinking, well, did you go into the demon portal? Well, I'll explain. So my first thought was what has happened down there, right? And I did think about maybe there was a hole in the fence.

56:36I could have walked down there. I did not. But just to think like above ground, you got all these billion dollar casinos, great steak houses. You got slot machines, fountains, tourists, people paying attractive women to eat steak on camera and then below ground. Who knows? It looked like the border crossing into another sovereign nation. The people's republic of UV under Vegas. No sunlight. No belagio fountains. The smell of urine. No resort fees. That's good. No parking to pay for. No $35 parking. You can park your shopping cart wherever you want. And I stood there staring into the tunnel. And I was thinking about the entire trip. The radio studio falling apart being unable to broadcast. The happy little accident. My guy Bob Ross that that led to going to slugs restaurant,

57:37which led to the greatest mashed potatoes of my life. The woman dining by herself all dolled up with her phone. My incredible Hulk destruction at the Italian restaurant with the glassware. And now the gateway to subterranean Las Vegas. And that's the magic of these type of things. That's going to Vegas. You make plans. Vegas. Las Vegas. You get Bob Ross paints over them. And suddenly you've discovered culinary heaven gastronomic voyeurism. Superhuman strength and the interest to an underground world all within about 48 hours. And somehow the thing that I'm still thinking about, not the tunnels, not the exploding glass, not the attractive woman having dinner by herself with the internet. Those mashed potatoes, the Mona Lisa again of mutated spuds. And somewhere in Las Vegas slug is probably laughing. He tried to tell me. I didn't listen. I'm stubborn.

58:37I thought, it's just a piece of steak. It turns out I was right. The state was just the state, the potatoes, the mashed potatoes were the main event. My God. All right, we'll get out of here on that. I will have the mail bag tomorrow. We'll have a bunch of email from you. You can send messages in real fifth hour at gmail.com. That's real fifth hour at gmail.com. So make sure to check that out on Sunday. Have a great day. Enjoy the college football today. I'll be watching that LSU Clemson game. I got that. That was the game I circled. I have to, these other games look completely horrific. So I, if there's one game, that's the game. And I'm sure we'll talk about that a little bit when we get back to the radio shows. See how good old Lane Kiffin does there in his LSU. He might actually be loses. Holy crap. All right. We'll talk more about that later. Have a wonderful Saturday. And as my friend Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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