1 Maccabees Chapter 10: Bible Study by Atheists

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 10, a chapter that’s basically Game of Thrones if every character was a walking pronoun problem and every plot twist was solved with a gift basket. Alexander Epiphanes shows up, grabs territory, and Demetrius responds like a petty ex—“NO, I’M the king!”—and suddenly everyone’s trying to buy Jonathan’s loyalty like he’s the swing state of Judea.

The highlight: political bribery dressed up as “friendship.” One guy offers tax breaks and construction money like he’s running a campaign platform, and the other sends a purple robe like it’s an MLM starter kit. Jonathan pops on the holy outfit at The Feast of Tabernacles and the hosts spiral into “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” vibes, Alexander Hamilton jokes, and the uncomfortable realization that this “Bible” content keeps forgetting to include… God.

And because holy war stories can’t just be politics, they’ve also gotta be war crimes, we get cities burned, a temple torched, and an “about 8,000 men” body count delivered with the same energy as reviewing a bad Yelp experience. Then Jonathan gets rewarded with a golden buckle (Texas core) and more land, because apparently the theological message of the day is: “massacre first, accessorize later.”

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 10 as a “historical” book that keeps forgetting to be… y’know… religious
• Demetrius vs. Alexander: the ancient world’s dumbest loyalty bidding war
• Purple robes, holy garments, and “high priest” cosplay as political power plays
• “We’ll grant you immunities” — ancient tax policy bribery, now in Bible flavor
• Cleopatra shows up (not that Cleopatra) and the kings throw a pomp-filled wedding
• The “pronoun fog” rant: who pursued whom and why this book wants us to suffer
• Burning cities + a temple = “gross” (correct)
• 8,000 dead/burned… then a shiny buckle reward because priorities are garbage

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“If you have sex with Antiochus… then you can say… I had an epiphany.”