1 Maccabees Chapter 11: Bible Study by Atheists

1 Maccabees 11 is basically Game of Thrones if every character had the same three names and the narrator kept shouting “he” like it explains anything. Ptolemy rolls into Syria “with words of peace” (classic), plants garrisons everywhere (less peaceful), and then the whole Alexander–Cleopatra situation turns into a diplomatic soap opera where wives get traded like baseball cards and heads get mailed as party favors.

Meanwhile, Jonathan keeps doing what Jonathan does: besiege first, ask questions never, and then show up with a pile of shiny bribes like he’s trying to buy a VIP wristband to the Seleucid afterparty. Demetrius is mad… until he’s thrilled… until he’s mad again—because loyalty in this chapter lasts roughly the lifespan of a cheap candle. There’s also a glorious moment where the hosts basically scream into the void about how God is barely in this book, because this isn’t “divine providence,” it’s raw politics, opportunism, and dudes swapping crowns like Funko Pops.

And just when you think the chapter might settle down, it veers into citywide slaughter numbers, sudden revolts, Tryphon dragging a new Antiochus onto the stage (because of course), and a final battle where everyone runs away until Jonathan rage-prays and flips the script. If you like your Bible stories confusing, violent, and suspiciously modern in their power games—welcome home.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 11: the “who’s king this week?” chapter
• Ptolemy’s “peace tour” that somehow includes garrisons and conquest
• Cleopatra gets traded like a political coupon
• Alexander loses his head—literally—and the plot keeps sprinting
• Jonathan’s signature move: besiege + bribe + become besties
• Demetrius uses the Jews to save his throne… then immediately turns on them
• Tryphon + a new Antiochus = sequel bait nobody asked for
• The hosts’ running theme: Where the hell is God in all this?

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“If you stick your dick in enough holes, one of them might be a vagina.”