#103 Why Decluttering Can Feel So Shameful (No One Talks About This)

From trauma to jua to viva. How is that possible? Welcome to post trauma secrets and decluttering where we go behind the scene and reveal how to free yourself.

Come and discover the four dimensions of a decluttering journey with your host Valerie Huar.

Can you take us back to a moment when clutter made you feel the most stuck or shamed?

The moment I was the most ashamed is really when my husband got a promotion and we needed to move.

And at that point they were moving estimator that came home and that mover estimator looked around the house and what a shame.

And then he told us, man, we cannot move you. You need to let go of at least half your clutter.

Half, do you realize letting go of half your belongings and we had only three months to do that?

That is the moment that was the most difficult.

Wow, thank you for sharing that. It's so real and powerful. I really think a lot of people will see themselves in your story.

So what was one of the biggest emotional surprises you experienced when you were decluttering?

When I started to really declutter the first three months after my husband went, it was ups and downs.

So I was decluttering and I was still needing a nap in the afternoon and not feeling good.

But then after a couple of months what I realized is I was smiling more.

I was not needing a nap anymore and I was able to declutter longer.

So as I let go of my clutter and let go of my trauma, that hits home. It really does. So many assume that it's just cleaning up.

But you're really showing how layered it really is. So you've mentioned self sabotage.

Can you describe a time when you started making progress, but found yourself slipping back? Of course.

You know, you may progress during the week and you say, okay, I'll bring the donation to the donation center on Saturday.

So as I come back from the donation center, there were those posts in the corner of the street for garage shell.

What treasure can I bring home from there? So I was giving the nation and then bringing a couple of treasure home.

It took a little while before I was able to gave the nation and bring nothing back home.

That's a relatable example. The way you describe, you know, being pulled back in to the clutter.

It's something that many people really deal with silently.

It is because clutter looks like a pendulum. You know, you let go of it. It comes back. You let go of it. It comes back until you're able to really do the real step that are needed to be able to maintain.

Absolutely. So what role do you think does fear or perfectionism play in your client's decluttering journey?

There's multiple players here. So of course, there's the fear of not being able to do it the right way.

That came from perfectionism and a lot over client myself are perfectionist.

So there's that fear of starting because of that.

But there's also other fear like if I clear my clutter, does that mean that I need to let people in my home?

Because now it's easy to say no, my home is clutter. I can go to the coffee shop with them.

I don't have to open the door for the delivery.

But when my home is clean, does that mean I need to open the door? Does that mean I need to receive friends and family?

What are the expectations on me if that is clear?

And there's also the fear of letting go of something and regret it after.

So there's a lot of fear playing out in decluttering.

You're connecting dots that many people probably never even thought to connect.

The perfectionism, procrastination, loop is real.

Can you share a story when people pleasing made it harder to let go of something?

Yes. In fact, I still have that object.

So it can make it really, really hard. I'll give you an example.

I have a blanket that my grandmother, when she was in her 80s, she knit the little square to put all the square together to do a blanket.

But it's my grandmother who did it in her 80s.

And then my mom put all the little square together.

I don't use that blanket, actually. But what if?

And it's three generation blanket.

And we don't see a lot of these blanket anymore.

So it's something that cannot be replaced.

Yes, it becomes hard to let go of things like that.

In another sense, there's some item, for example,

not as emotional, but let's say I love cooking.

And I have a robot, you know, the one that chop everything as you want and really fast or great.

And there's multiple things you can do with it.

And it was a big one, and I was loving it and using it a lot.

But then we wanted to move in a smaller home, where there is less space in the kitchen.

So the question was, do I let go of it or not?

And that was a hard one.

But as I know that I will be really busy, that I will cook less, then we decided to let go because a knife takes way less space.

Then that robot.

So it's really, really depending.

And, you know, what about those nicknacks that somebody gave you at your birthday?

That's another one that it's really hard because when the person will come home, will she observe that it's not there anymore?

So it's really, really emotional process to go through the clottery.

But it's a rewarding process where we become so more peaceful and joyful and aligned with herself.

It's so powerful how you're highlighting the emotional baggage behind physical items.

Thank you for going there.

So how do you help clients overcome that fear that they'll regret letting something go?

The very first thing is we need to work with the dual method.

The dual method is a four step process that will allow people to journey progressively to a stage where they're able to let go of item like that.

So just to give you a brief overview of the dual method, the very first step is about reducing the stress.

Because when the stress is high or executive function in her brain like planning, organizing, sorting, making decision, all things that are used and needed for decluttering are slowed down by the courts as all.

Therefore, it becomes almost impossible for people to tackle their clutter.

So the very first step, reducing the stress and the stress hormone courts though.

The second step is a mindset shift, declutter your mind basically.

So this is when people learn to let go of Copic mechanism that do not serve them anymore.

And this is where they see the value in what they want in their life from now on.

Instead of carrying the baggage from the past.

So after they have done that step two, normally they're able to make decision about letting go of item way more easily.

Just to give you a fast overview, step three is about decluttering their time or calendar and building new routines to help them be more energized to do the step four that is decluttering the space or belongings.

That's a big one fear of regret can keep us stuck for years.

The way you frame it, there's just so much compassion in the process.

So that's one small surprising item that held a big emotional weight for you or for a client.

I need to tell this story.

They were a client. Let's say call her imagine.

Imagine was in her bedroom trying to declutter in a really struggling to declutter her bedroom.

And then she said, OK, we'll tackle the closet.

Now every time she opened a closet, she closed it back and take some clothes that are on piles or in the dress or instead of in the closet.

And she was wanting to declutter the closet. So she was opening it closing it opening it closing it these after days until she realized that they were a specific item in that closet.

It was a T shirt from when she was at the beginning of her 20s from a specific event in the memory of that event was what was preventing her from decluttering her closet.

So she learned to let go of that item and make peace with that item because it was a really emotionally charged item.

Like they were good memories and bad memories associated with that item.

So when she decided to let go of that item, she was now able to tackle her closet in the clutter and in really not a long time.

Such a simple item, but it's a deep story.

So you're showing us that clutter really isn't random. It's really deeply tied to our inner world.

Can you talk about the connection you see between clutter and trauma from your own experience? Yes.

So the thing is when you have a trauma, your brain shift the way it works.

Like we become on that fight or flight mode, you know, what else will happen to me?

And as we go through that, our body reacts as well.

And chemically, it produced cortisol that is the stress hormone I talked just a little bit earlier.

And when that stress hormone piles up days after day because

there are studies that demonstrated that people that had had trauma do not reduce their cortisol level as much as other individual at night.

So that brings the problem, but also brings that the cortisol pile up the after day, months after months, year after years, decades after decades.

So the other thing is as that cortisol pile up, the executive function slow down and it becomes more and more difficult to tackle and keep a tidy home.

So the clutter piles up. That's one of the connection. The other connection is really deep.

Often when we had experience a traumatic event, what happen is or sell for it really goes down.

And sometimes unfortunately people believe that they are not worthy of having a tidy home or they're not worthy of that love in their space or they're not worthy of that peacefulness.

So that's why we tackle the stress for the cortisol to goes down as well as the mindset before tackling the clutter, the physical clutter itself.

So the emotional clutter came before the physical clutter.

You're illustrating something that's very vital here. The healing doesn't always just start in a therapist chair. Sometimes it starts with letting go of an object.

So after letting go of things to do every experience, a strange kind of emptiness.

What did you do with that feeling?

Yes, it's kind of weird. As much as we want to declutter and having a place that is tidy and organized and beautiful and spacefulness,

when we get that space, that countertop that we just clear in the hour after the tendency to want to put something on that countertop becomes so high.

Because we are used to see that countertop full of things or that table full of things. So to let it free, it's really a weird feeling.

So for that, it's really important to declutter really slowly and not fast so we can get used to that empty space and not cluttering it back.

The other thing is I call it taming the space. So when that space is empty, we need to appreciate it.

We need to not worship it, but you know, pass some time in front of it and say, oh, that's great. It's empty.

And that will be really helpful in the fact of being able to maintain it and keep it empty.

So the answer is yes. That's such a beautiful insight. Many people aren't prepared for the emotional space that opens up the way you handle it is so inspiring.

So how do you define success in decluttering? What does real transformation look like?

That's a big question. You know, success for me is every small step along the way.

Every small step during the journey. Success is not the end goal. Success is all the way long. It's the transformation that happened.

You know, sometimes at the beginning, people get on zoom with us and they're like this.

And progressively as they reduce their stress, their posture gets straight, they're smiling on the zoom call, or even people don't show their faces and progressively we see their face appearing on zoom.

Right there, that's a huge success. That's mean people aren't ready to be seen and people are feeling better in themselves.

And that's just with step one. The other thing, you know, we are the lady. She was so beautiful and she was thinking that she was losing it and that she will need to stop driving and go to a facility.

The thing is, as her court is all reduced or executive function kicks in. Therefore, she was remembering things. She was knowing where she was.

She was able to drive. She was able to declutter. So all her life change just by reducing the stress. And that was only the first step of the process.

Imagine the transformation when she changed her mindset. She get control over schedule and then declutter her space and live now happily in the place that is decluttered.

This is what makes your work so transformational. Not just tidying up, but reclaiming peace, clarity and purpose.

Thank you for sharing.

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