#137: How Dare You Play Small! How to Take Your Power Back

0:00How dare you? These words are the topic of our conversation today. Does that trigger you? Even just a little? Maybe it's because you heard them from a shaming parent or a judgey adult way back when, somewhere along the way, when you were growing up. It was all meant to keep you small, meant to keep you in line. So today, we are taking our power back over these words and over the sentiment behind them. And we are claiming those words for ourselves and then we're going to flip the entire question into one that will completely set you free. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. You've not already done so. Please follow the show on your podcast app and subscribe to the YouTube channel. It is the best way to support the show. And then you'll never miss an episode. So I know it all started out as something someone else might have said to you way back when. Maybe it was overt, like literally words that were spoken to you. How dare you? Who do you think you are? And maybe it was a little bit more covert with an implied sentiment infused with family values

1:06or religious beliefs or cultural expectations. So it was an environment that bred and fostered children knowing their place and being seen and not heard and keeping small. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard countless stories where a smart sibling was not allowed to celebrate good grades because of a sibling who wasn't as smart or a child's talent skill or even beauty was diminished or ignored to spare others in the family who might end up feeling badly about themselves by comparison or parents hoping to keep their power and control over a child who would push limits or test boundaries. So you get what I mean, right? How dare you and then enter the judgy statement and all of that sucks. It sucks for the little you who was spoken to that way. Of course, you were made to feel unappreciated or invisible or dismissed or shamed and it sucks for the adult you now because while no one else is saying it to you anymore, you are left saying

2:07it to yourself. You learned to talk to yourself this way and now it is your own upper limit. It becomes you holding yourself back from what could be for yourself and it may sound like this. How dare you say no to that opportunity. You should be grateful. You should take that opportunity. How dare you spend that much money on yourself on a nice dinner or a massage or an outfit. No occasion required. How dare you take the afternoon off. How dare you relax and rest and do nothing. How dare you want more than you've already got when so many people would kill for what you have. It's all in the same family as who do you think you are. Don't get too big for your bridges, right? IE, stay small, stay humble, don't outshine anybody, don't think too highly of yourself, don't want too much, don't be too much. And the problem is now you are the one doing it to yourself. You're policing yourself and judging yourself and limiting yourself and just being your own biggest obstacle.

3:09I like to describe it as playing defense against yourself. You're blocking your own shot on goal likely after you've worked really hard to dribble the ball all the way down the field. You've worked really hard to be where you are in your life and in your career, whatever that might be for you. And right when you're about to level up, you sabotage. You won't let yourself receive the next step that you've earned and worked really hard for and you truly deserve. And while we might sabotage our next level for many reasons, what I'm talking about right now in this specific context is because of the conditioning of how dare you think you can actually have that or be that. So right when you're about to finally give yourself a break, feel confident or even just acknowledge that you're beautiful, you knock yourself down again. So I'm bringing all this up today just so that you can start to observe it and notice it and hear it. Notice the how dare you and notice the who do you think you are and notice your own hesitation to go after the next thing that you want, whether that's

4:15you know, an opportunity at work or up leveling to the next level of success or getting super fit and holding that for yourself or just being genuinely authentic and brave in your life. It's really important to be paying attention because every how dare you to yourself will reveal a piece of your real self who is ready to emerge, your deepest desires, your real thoughts, your ambitions. All of that is information for you about you and you'll be able to see how you are holding yourself back from exactly what you want. That voice isn't actually about the money that you spent or the know that you said or the nap that you took. It was never really about the thing. It was messaging to keep you in line to be controllable, to have you be smaller and easier to manage and to not offend anybody and to be pleasing and accommodating and to be what others want or need you to be to serve their own needs. It was never about you at all and it certainly hasn't

5:21served you. So it's time to get out of your own way. It's allowed you to get only so far but not far all the way, not where you could be. It's about achieving your greatest potential, your fullest potential beyond what you could ever imagine and we hold ourselves back when we how dare you to ourselves. So now it is time to get out of your own way and this is the fun part. I'm offering you the solution and a response. It is a direct response to they who first spoke these words to you and now to your own inner critic who is policing your every desire and big idea and bold move that you want to make. So I want you to answer how dare you with I dare you. Right? Can you feel the difference? It's a challenge to yourself, an invitation to yourself. Rather than a doubt-inducing question, it's a challenge. It's an encouragement because what if you could just do the thing, have the thing and say the thing? What if you lived truly, fully,

6:26authentically, no edited version, no filtered down safer draft? What if you said what you actually think and what if you actually expressed how you really feel instead of the polite version that you've rehearsed? What if you celebrated yourself out loud without worrying what other people think? What if you were exactly what you wanted to wear? What if you actually did what you wanted to do and stopped doing the things that you don't? And what if you said yes to something that you normally say no to? What if you said no to the things that you always feel obligated to say yes to? What if you weren't afraid of what other people thought of you, not even a little bit? What if you initiated the conversation you've been putting off for months? What if you allowed yourself to dream big all the way big, no apologizing for the size of your dreams? And what if you actually went for it? And what if you just stopped giving a fuck and started living for yourself? I dare you! I dare you to do

7:33it. Can you feel the shifting energy behind that question? How dare you was designed to hold you back? It's contracting and I dare you is designed to challenge you to go forward and seize every opportunity. It's expanding. And one last little nugget that might help you before we wrap it up, a mantra that I came up with that helps me whenever I feel like I'm teetering and maybe holding myself back on something. And the reality is I've always been pretty good at living life as I want on my own terms, not worrying about pleasing anyone or upsetting anyone and just doing what I want. And I'm going to give you two examples. After college, instead of getting a real job and an apartment and a car payment like all my peers, I lived at home for six months, worked double shifts at a fancy restaurant so I could travel the world solo. All by myself for eight months. I went to some of the world's most remote places, Sinai Peninsula, Nepal, Indonesia, of course, much to my parents' dismay because I was only 22 and this was way back in 1995 before email and

8:37the internet. So it really was a lot different then. And then years later, I opened my private practice right out of grad school when everyone told me you can't do that. I was like watch me. So those are examples of my fearlessness and my ability to just kind of tune out the noise and all the how dare you and do what I want and live life on my own terms. However, I'm human and I also have moments where I catch myself every now and then noticing holding back, questioning myself, hesitating, not daring to do the big bold thing. And one day after I turned 50, which was four years ago now, I caught myself doing it and I noticed the doubt and the hesitation. It was probably something small, like not even a big deal, like something I was going to wear. And I just said to myself, I'm 50 and I don't give a fuck. And it was a really cool moment for me. And now I've turned that into a mental cue anytime I need it. Even though I'm not 50 anymore, I still say it that way. When I'm standing on the edge of something daring, right when the old how dare you tries

9:42to show up again, I say it, I'm 50 and I don't give a fuck. And I just step out of my own way and I go for it. So make it your own. Turn it into I'm 40 and I don't give a fuck or just flipping the how dare you question into I dare you. Catch your inner naysaying sabotaging, doubting, inner critic and turn her into your inner champion cheerleader and best friend. And I hope that you will hear my words today and then in your own mind when you need them and until you can make it your own use my words. What makes this really important is this. How dare you will keep you exactly precisely where you already are. It is the mechanism that holds your current level in place. And daring. Real daring isn't a personality trait that some women are just born with. It's a decision that you get to make over and over again. Every time that you break free from your own limitations and confinements, you take a step into the next version of yourself, your evolution, your continuing

10:48emergence. That's how leveling up actually works. Not in one giant leap, but in a hundred small moments where you catch the how dare you and you flip it on its head. I'd love to know what came up for you listening to this episode today. If there's some what if that you would like to do, something that you're holding yourself back, I dare you to go do it. Please share with me in the comments on YouTube. And if this resonated, please share it with a friend who you think would enjoy it. Because if you liked it, they will probably like it too. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.