1732 || authenticity is a practice, not a discovery || heal the shame that binds you

Welcome to the Make Your Dan Bed Podcast, a daily motivation podcast designed to help you get out of bed every morning with a little company from me, Julie America.

If you struggle with consistency, let's build a little momentum together, whether you make your bed or not.

Good morning sunshine, welcome to another day of the Make Your Dan Bed Podcast.

We are rounding the corner on John Bradshaw's book healing the shame that binds you.

And in these final sections, he emphasizes the importance of loving himself unconditionally.

When he does that, he allows his true self to flourish.

Quote, there is a great deal that I don't know about myself because the internalization of shame closes the door to the expansion of my personality.

When I live defensively in secrecy and hiding, it limits my life drastically.

When people are always on the defensive, they can't be authentically present.

And they're unable to view the novelty that the world presents minute by minute to live in a defended way precludes adventure and discovery.

We can't really have new experiences and encounters with the world because we view everything with frozen eyes of our defended selves.

But it's important to note that your true self will shift an ebb and flow and is not an identity that you need to discover necessarily.

He quotes Slavin and Kriegman here when he says, the true self is negotiated and renegotiated throughout our lives.

The true self is a unique constellation of universal and individual characteristics.

Bradshaw then quotes a real key poem. I think that's how you pronounce it. It's R-I-L-K-E titled the Swan.

And in it, he talks about how awkward the Swan walks until she lets go of the ground and lands on and enters the water, which is a more comfortable place for her.

As soon as she touches the water, she is almost immediately transformed into the most graceful creature.

The water moves her while the Swan, marvelously calm, is pleased to be carried minute by minute, more like a king or a queen.

When the Swan enters the water, she has found the water of her belonging, the water of her life.

And what this poem suggests is that when we find the water of our own belonging, we will have found our grace, our bliss, our spiritual destiny, our fully actualized true selves.

Now, I want to stop here and say, I don't think there are calm waters in this current time.

John Bradshaw wrote this book back in the 80s, and a lot of this shit is dated and doesn't really apply.

Especially when we consider that if I showed my authentic true self all the time, I'd probably be fired, because there's no way I would be showing up to work with the appropriate amount of customer service.

I'd probably lose a few friends, because there's no way I would have time or energy to actually be a good friend, and sometimes I push through what is a more authentic reaction.

But I do like the core crux of this message, the idea that you can feel more peaceful, graceful, energetic, vitality when you find calmer waters, whether that is in your environment or in your mental.

He says to ask yourself, who are the people that make you feel most alive when you're with them?

What is it that you really love to do or at least are curious about? Is there any activity you do that makes you feel that energy and vitality?

What is your heart's desire? What do you most value? What does it feel like when I'm passionate about something? When my heart's on fire for something?

Where do I feel most at peace at home? Some of these answers might come easily, some of them might not even exist in a tangible form.

But I know for me, my internalized shame has stopped me from accessing the resources that are right in front of me, my own that are inside of me, because I do feel this deep fear of being perceived.

And some of that is a healthy amount of shame because nobody should be perceived at the levels in which we're all being perceived all the time, given the surveillance state and social media and just life in general.

But also, there is some toxic shame in there that keeps me from performing at the level I'd like to perform.

From creating 90% of the great ideas I already have ready prepared and could execute very quickly and easily but just seem to stop myself because it's not perfect or because I know that it might not be the way that I envisioned it or whatever the unhealthy aspects of shame are.

And though Bradshaw urges us to give up anything that does not bring us more vitality and energy and peace or bliss.

And though I agree that would be great if it were possible, I think it's better or more realistic to recognize what you're giving up your bliss for if it's something that's an essential or necessity in your current life, given your current context.

And if there are ways to drop the mask in certain areas, well, still, you know, maintaining your social graces, right? Because I think a lot of us realistically are at our wits end.

And if I really dropped my mask, I would probably be popping off on people a lot more.

And in my experience, when I pop off, I've lost the plot because I'm no longer reasonable or able to communicate effectively.

And so that just gives me more deep shame.

So I have to learn the balance between the appropriate social filter that is required for living in a society among people that I genuinely do hope the best for as I do with all of humanity.

But also with respecting my inner self that does want to pop off, so allowing her to do so when it's appropriate, but also not trying to bury myself in shame when it happens in the less appropriate times and also taking accountability when it is on people who didn't deserve it.

Returning to Bradshaw's words, he says, when it's properly nurtured, the innate feeling of shame is experienced as the core of your life cycle.

As we reach full maturity, shame is experienced as our sense of dignity, our honor, and our ethical sensibility.

A mature sense of shame is experienced as a sense of awe, then he says modesty and the holy which could be misinterpreted, but I'm going to go with the best possible interpretation, which is just a connectedness to everything.

Mature shame is the source and guardian of our spirituality.

In tomorrow's episode, I'm going to outline some of the quote-unquote blessings that this mature spirituality brings.

He highlights seven of them that he considers the most important, but there are more.

One of those is sound choosing or using your quote, grand will.

The next is securing attachment to your higher sense of power.

The third is silence and solitude, prayer and meditation, or just finding peace in the space.

The fourth is a solidarity with all things, unity, consciousness.

The fifth is sacrament of the present moment, an authentic presence of being here now.

The sixth is synchronicity or ordinary miracles.

And the seventh is serenity, service and a sense of humor.

And as much as I know that this book is dated and not necessarily fully aligned, I have been finding some peace and knowing that the way that some of my more toxic shame manifests is actually a separate entity from me.

It isn't my identity.

It is something that is protecting me, a way to cope.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

It just creates space for unwelcome reactions.

And if I can create more space for healthy coping and healthy shame, I can start to notice and ideally reduce those compulsions to react in ways that will just create more shame.

If you've been listening to this whole series on healing the shame that binds you, you probably relate in some way and you know how terrifying a real shame spiral can be.

And so I hope this idea of othering it and nurturing it almost in a different type of way.

So you can learn to accommodate your true self.

Might be really helpful for some people and I hope it is because it has been for me.

Either way, you can access all of the resources I referenced in the show notes if you're interested.

In the meantime, just know I love you so much.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and I will talk to you tomorrow while you make your damn bad.

Goodbye, cutie.

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I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and I'll talk to you tomorrow while you make your damn bad.