349. Control, Intimidation, and Stalking

0:00Sin City, Get Ready! Cancon West, presented by Dead Air. It's Boulder Rifle and Pistol Club this October 22nd through 24th, just outside Las Vegas. It's two full days of unlimited, fully-suppressed shooting, and ammunition is free with ticket purchase. Cast hundreds of firearms and suppressors. From giants like Maxim Defense, Sieg and Rugged, challenge the pros head to head, or shoot all day long. For just 50 bucks a day, or 85 for both. Unlimited ammo, unlimited suppressors. Lock in your tickets right now at canconaVit.com. Diesel prices just hit a record high. There goes my margin. Not mine, brother. I switched to mudflap. But those other fuel carts just nail you with the fees. No, not mudflap. They don't have any fees. They'll monthly, annual, out of network. Not a, what I say, I keep. That's what's up. Mudflap has your back. Careers like you, save thousands per year with mudflap. Get $100 in pre-fuel credits after approval when you sign up at muddy.com slash podcast. Spelt MUDDY.com slash podcast. Terms of restrictions apply. There's no way in hell I'm going to ice Korean him.

1:05That would be the most embarrassing thing to go be like, oh, hey, remember? I'm the one that married the teacher and then he turned out to be tall. He was an all-American kid that went out and got his education and came back to the school to teach. I mean, everybody thought he was a great teacher. We all just loved Brad. Very student-centered, very supportive. This isn't just the story of how Stacey married her former English teacher. It's about the place where it happened and the community that watched it unfold. It almost was like normal, not quite normal, but we've seen this before. The other teachers must have known he was married to a former student if we all knew. And there were things that were rumored to have happened and the teacher stayed. There was this good old-boys culture as the team they'll do during this time. But what happened in high school was actually just the beginning of Stacey's story. He never made me feel any better about who I suspected he was.

2:06And I remember saying at the time, get out. There's red flags here. You need to listen to your intuition. Something is not right. And then there was a knock at the door. I just kept thinking, please don't let it be another student. Please don't let it be another student. Please don't let it be another student. Please don't let it be another student. It was federal agents from the Department of Homeland Security. Jim and I both were hundreds of these kind of cases. We didn't, we didn't miss very often. Stacey didn't really know why they knocked on her door that day. And she wouldn't for another two decades. What is this? This is the investigation file from the Teachers' Dinner Practice Commission. Wow, that's insane. Had I known the truth, I think I would have made very different decisions. I don't want this to be my story. I really don't, I don't want this to be my life. But this is not just a terrible story.

3:08And now I can say I was a victim and so were my friends. And so were many other people in that classroom and in that school district and in that school. I'm Sydney Gladio. Subscribe to not just a terrible story on your podcast listening app. Episodes 1 and 2 release September 15th. Um, wow. Ah, go Eagles. Every single piece my furniture was broken. There were five foot holes in the walls. There was a knife thrown against the headboard where my head would be when I sleep. He just went nuts. I'm Jamie Beebe. And I'm Jake Debtula. On today's episode of Strictly Stock and we're speaking with Beth, who spent a year and a half in a relationship that slowly became emotionally and physically abusive before escalating into stocking. Her relationship turned into a pattern of control, intimidation and fear. And even after she finally ended it, the behavior continued.

4:11Today Beth shares the warning sign she missed while leaving is as simple as it sounds and how the stock continued long after the relationship was over. Beth, thank you for joining us today. Thank you for having me. What would you like to share about yourself before all this happened? I guess I would like to share that I grew up in like a really nice family. My parents are still married. They have a really healthy relationship. They've been married since they were 18 and continue to stay in their 76 now. So I had a really nice upbringing and a really great kind of compass for what a healthy relationship looked like. I always drove with my parents that I'm like, you guys set to have a bar. I'm very picky now. I expect what they have and I know what it is. I never hear them arguing. They have such a nice relationship. They go to therapy when they need to. They still make sure they hold hands and they just continue to work on their relationship no matter how many users it has been. And I think I got spoiled with that. And that has always been my kind of North Star. You know, I dated a lot. I think dating spawn honestly.

5:12It's like go out and go out and have a drink, coffee, dinner, whatever. I like to meet new people. I'm very much a people person. So I don't hate dating. And then the relationships that I've had that were air quotes, real relationships that were long-term. I'm still very close friends with them. So relationships are in their course. Sometimes especially if you're healthy about it and you talk about it and you're communicative. Sometimes they just run their course and it's nothing bad. It's just, you know, we're just we're different people now or moving on. And so that's how most of my, oh, except for this one. Most of my relationships have been in the past. What was life like right before you met this man? So I just came out of a very serious relationship. We lived together. I moved out and it was very emotional. It was crazy. A leader dog and it was the first time I had that kind of a major breakup. I would say where I mean, honestly, I was like losing my hair. I didn't have eyelashes. Like I was really not doing well. And it's not always easy to break up. It's it's hard to break up. Something is to get broken up with. I think sometimes especially when you really love the person.

6:12But you know it's time to move on. And that was the breakup right before I met him. So I think it was about, I didn't date for about three months. But then, you know, about after three months, I was like, well, maybe I'll just go out and have a coffee and have some late dates. I didn't want to get anything serious, obviously. But I just I wanted to get out and socialize, you know, and just meet people and have fun. So it began. QC fun. How dating up conversations usually start when you're planning a date. So we talked for a couple of weeks and then we finally decided to meet out. What drew you into this person when you're first time in? Yeah, I think well, again, I was I was in a vulnerable state, I think, because I just was I probably shouldn't have been dating already. But what drew me into him was like, just fun stuff. Like we had the same taste in music, the same, I don't know, I say aesthetic. That sounds weird. But like just the same vibe. Like he just he vibe and you know, I'm dating apps. You'll meet a thousand people that are just like not your type. And then you'll meet somebody you're like, oh, this guy's cool. And we have we can conversate and we have we can, you know, we have a lot of the same

7:15opinions about things and we can just kind of connect a little bit, I guess, because it's easy to not connect on those dating apps. And when you guys first met in person, what was your impression of him like? Sometimes that first impression can make or break it. Yeah. Well, the first impression was weird. First of all, and it was a little bit my fault. So I accidentally texted my friend about him before I was meaning I was like in an Uber on the way to this bar to meet him. And I texted my friend something that wasn't just like a joke really, but it was supposed to go to her and it went to him because I was texting both at the same time and I just made that flood. When I got there, it was like literally, I didn't even say hi to him and it was just chaos. Like he stormed out and it was absolute chaos. And that should be my first sign. It was like this should not be your first date. And especially over like something stupid, like a little joky text message that wasn't supposed to go to him, I should have known then that like this person had a fiery temper. So I followed him out. Again, like I said, I was like in a very vulnerable state then. And like I think dating apps you meet a lot of people and they just, you don't connect with

8:19any of them really like a couple here and there. Like they're nice or whatever. I thought I really connected with him and I felt I actually felt bad. I didn't mean hurt his feelings. So it was kind of that kind of a thing. So I didn't chase him out like physically, but I followed him out and was like, hey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just like an inside joke for my best friend and I and you know, I just wanted to temper it because I think it was guilt. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. What were things like in the beginning after that? How did it kind of set off the vibe or the tone? It was really good in the beginning actually. It just was, again, like I said, we had a lot of things in common. We had like a great relationship in the beginning, I would say. But when it wasn't great, it was terrible. And that started right from the beginning. So if we would have fiery arguments, not often in the beginning, I would say escalated eventually. But in the beginning, every couple, like a week or every week or so, we would have like a blowout argument and it would be terrible. And he would just like leave. And I wouldn't know where he was going. And I didn't know where he was going back. And I didn't know really what he was mad about.

9:22And it was just that kind of manipulation where instead of being like, hey, you know, I'm just sad about something that you said or you said this. And I don't like that. I'm going to take some time for myself. It was never like that. It was always storm out and freak out. And that like definitely for me, my personality type, I hate that because then I feel guilty. And I'm like, I said the first date, I'm like, what did I do? How can I fix it? Like I feel guilty? What's going on here? And that's how that's how the first few months was. And I think that a lot of people get into that roller coaster of emotions and it becomes very addictive. It becomes very, let me fix it. And then it's fixed and then it breaks again and then it's fixed and it just becomes a cycle. Were you noticing at that point that it was turning into a pattern? I think at the time I didn't know anything because I always, I honestly, I really did always have good relationships. So I didn't know about the attachment styles and things like that. And I don't know if you guys believe in me or that stuff. But if some of it makes sense for me and I'm like very much like an attached person.

10:24So once somebody's in my life, I want them to be happy. I want to do things for them. I want to have a, you know, I just, if they're not, and I don't understand why it like triggers me. So I'm like, we could dig into that probably. But I think that's where this relationship triggered me because my other relationships were really healthy. So I didn't have to worry when they were around or where they were and why they were mad at me or what they were doing. It was always communicative and nice and they didn't want to hurt my feelings either. So it was, this was new for me, I guess. And it was really triggering me and it was really messing up. Whatever it is that I have my brain about relationships. It was really messing with me. And how far into it were you when you started to realize that things were changing? This isn't the relationship you want to be in. There's some problems. Yeah. I think it was about three months in where I was just, that's what I finally was like, I was feeling like, I was feeling bummed out all the time. And I'm like, why am I in a relationship with something that bums me out?

11:24I don't need to do this. I know it's going to be hard band-aid to pull off because there was, like you said, there was kind of an addiction thing and that push and pull and the chasing and cat chasing the mouse kind of situation. But I knew, again, to have my parents, I knew that this was not the relationship I wanted. I was like, this is a nightmare. I feel uncomfortable all the time. I'm like stressed out. I'm like going to work. Like, I just sucks. So I broke up with him after three months initially. And that's when I started to go really south. Between work, kids, and everything else life throws at you, sometimes the only quality time you and your partner get is lying in bed asking, did you remember to fold the laundry? That's not very romantic. And even when you finally have a little time to yourself, coming up with something new and exciting can feel like one more thing on your to-do list. So I've got a new way to bring the fun and spice back to your relationship. Let me tell you about Arya.

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16:43When you broke up with him that first time, how did he get back into your life? After three months when I finally broke up with him, it was crazy, and that's when things went completely insane. He, like, broke up with him, and I had a best friend that was a male, and we would hang out all the time, but it was nothing, but I know some people, some men feel threatened by that or something, and obviously somebody like this would. He would, he broke, like, so I lived in the first floor, and I told the dormant in my building to please not let him in, so he couldn't get into the building. So I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and suddenly I saw a person jump over a seven foot wooden fence in my backyard and rush into my apartment. So he came in and just absolutely, like, ran up and down me, like, verbally, and then completely trashed my apartment. So I had to take my dog and my two dogs out. I didn't know what was going on. Like, this was so foreign to me at this time. I'm like, I didn't even know people did this guy.

17:43I knew it, but I didn't think it would happen to me. So yeah, he just, like, absolutely trashed every single piece my furniture was broken. There were five foot holes in the walls. There was a night thrown against the headboard where my head would be when I sleep. He just went nuts. And I guess he must have jumped. I don't know how he left because I took my dogs downstairs, just to get the heck away from the situation. And finally, I quieted down and one of the neighbors called the cops. So when I finally came in, the apartment, it was glass over the floor. It was insane. I had seen him be like, verbally, abusive before, but I never saw that kind of rage. And it terrified me, obviously. You mentioned that the neighbors called the cops, so the cops show up? They did. They did show up many times. This was the first time, but they did show up. And I just was like standing and I was so in shock. I, like, the worst feeling was that my pets were scared. All three of us were scared. We were just like terrified. We were in shock, I'm sure. And we were standing at the door. And I just remember like being barefoot because it was night

18:48time. So I was in my pajamas, like barefoot, ready for bed. And my dog, my two dogs, and I were like in the doorway, just like in shock, glass under our feet, like talking to the cops. And they were like, do you know your standing on glass? And I was just like, it was so weird. It was just the weirdest thing I just was in such shock. And they asked me if they wanted me to like press charges or anything like that. And I said, no, what? They gave me a police report and told me like a shelter to, like I could go to. But again, I was like, I just didn't even know this world. I was like, what do you mean shelter? I don't even, I didn't even, I couldn't even comprehend any of that at this point. They were really, really sweet. And they gave me a police report. And I was like, let me sleep, sit with this for a little bit and let me think on it. I guess it's kind of my thought. That's a, and hindsight very dumb. No, no. And you chose not to press charges this time. What was your rationale behind that? I did, you know, because like I said, it was like this through me for a loop. So I didn't, I didn't even know how to process it really. But mostly it was like,

19:51and this is again, and this is why I'm sure other people will understand this. But you know, there were really good times. And he was a good person when he was a good person. And I didn't want to ruin his life. And I was like, just leave me alone. If you could just leave me alone, I won't press charges. Just go away. This can just stop. I do not want to hurt you permanently. Let's just end this now kind of a thing. I didn't say that to him. But that's what I was thinking. I just didn't want to ruin his life. You feel shame because you're like, I should have done that. But again, in the moment, you're like in shock and you're, I can't see straight. And you're like, again, you care about this person. So you don't want to hurt them even though they're hurting you. But you're not thinking rationally, obviously. And then you're embarrassed. It just starts the whole entire cycle. It did for me anyway. Not wanting to tell anybody because they would ask, what the heck? Why didn't you press charges? And it's like, it's complicated as you guys know. After this situation, he did make his way back into your life. Can you tell us about that?

20:54Yeah. So there was a lot of crazy stuff again that I did not, as I mentioned, I had a best male friend. And he was texting him and like trying to get him to meet places, pretending he was me. And it was just like stock city for probably a few weeks. And then so obviously, I was still terrified. But my pet that I had for a while, that I had for 16 years, she became really ill. And it got to the point where I was like taking her back. Like, animal hospital, Zedada. And I think again, it was like another weak point in my life where I just like needed somebody. And he knew me. And he can be nice. And he can be supportive. And I stupidly like reached out and was like, Hey, FYI, my puppies, not so good. And so he kind of stepped in as a caretaker in that way. And it was perfect for him. And I was dumb to do that. But again, hindsight, 2020. And then he was a perfect boyfriend for six months. We barely argued. We had a

21:56great relationship. It was fun. We were supporting each other. It was just like, what you want in a relationship. It was really good for six months. At the time, I didn't regret it, right? I was like, Oh, maybe he just did something stupid and he'd love to do it again. Wishful thinking. So after those six months, my job decided they wanted to move me to another city, which I was very excited about. You know, I've been this, I've lived here my whole life. So I was like, well, that'd be really interesting in New City, like new change, like why not? And so I knew at the time, I should not bring him with me. But I also knew at the time I was afraid to do it myself. And this is hindsight, by the way, like, in hindsight, I'm like, that's why I did that because I knew it was a bad idea. But I did end up bringing him with me. And that it got really crazy there. So you guys moved to another city together. Yeah. And you're living together. Yeah. What was the relationship like at that point? That point it was, I think he, again, this hindsight, at the time I didn't feel these feelings,

22:59I was just like, why is this guy being such a jerk? But in hindsight, I think he might have felt, like, you know, on the breadwinner, you know, we moved here because of me. And maybe he felt amazulated or whatever the heck the case may be, whatever kind of childhood trauma he has. I don't know what it was, but he did turn into a jerk. And I suspect it was because it was a really fancy, fancy, like, pool in the room with like, nice place. And I think it made him amazulated him a little bit, which exacerbated what he already had inside him of being kind of abusive. So it would be, it started as verbal abuse, like, just cut me down whenever he could. And that's why I kind of think it might have been like, he, I was a breadwinner. So he felt you're masculated. So it was like, he would say things like that he knew would hurt me. You know, like, you're losing your looks or, you know, your parents never pay attention to you, like, just things that he knew of dig inside of me. And that's, I would rather get hit honestly than hear some things like that. But that's how it started. And it escalated from there. I guess escalation was like verbal abuse.

24:03And then I started kicking back. And then it would turn into like physical stuff. And he had nowhere to go. So like, when we were in the city we were in previously, he had, he could go somewhere, like when he was mad or whatever, he could just go somewhere. But when he had nowhere else to go, we didn't know anybody in the city. We just moved there. Like where he went when he was mad was like, at me. So it was like pushing and choking and like, just physical stuff that just was crazy to me. But then he would be sweet as pie right after. And you're kind of like, he's not like that. He won't be like that again. But you know how that goes. And what was your final straw? What was the final thing that he did that you were said that you needed to get out and you ended the relationship for good? It's so funny. It's like the final, you would think the final straw events and make big blowout that happened. It really wasn't. I just, I just was like, you know, I'm obsessed with my dog and I loved my life there. I had this beautiful apartment,

25:05a beautiful dog. Like, why is this person terrorizing me? I was like losing my hair. I just was like, so stressed out all the time. Always worried about him. And like, I had a great career and a beautiful apartment. And I didn't need him there. And so it was like a blowout thing. And I, and I remember walking my dog to the park. And normally I'd be afraid to sit and relax in the park. Where were you? What were you doing? Whatever. And I was just like, you know what? I was just sitting listening to music. I don't care. I'll stay here the midnight if I want to. And I just, like, it just something happened in me. It was like just a break where I was like, I am done. I'm way too good for this. We're everybody's too good for it. But you just sometimes you need to see it in yourself. And you know, it just was like watching people and eating sandwiches together and like loving relationships and butterflies are flying by. And I'm listening to my favorite music. And it just was a moment. And like, my dog was sitting next to me, like loving life. And I was like, this is how I should be living. Why am I laying this guy towards her me? So it was just a staff like that. And so when I did break up with him, I didn't want drama. I didn't have it

26:09in me. I'm like, I don't care. You can literally do whatever you want. I'm not going to fight back this time. So this is what's happening. You need to go. And I'm, it's not negotiable. And I'm not going to argue with you. So that's how it happened, which I, it sounds easy, but it wasn't. Took me a long time to get there. And how did he react when you left? So when, when he finally left, which honestly, he like took, he left right away pretty much, which was great. But it was too calm. I was freaked out about that kind of where I was like, you didn't really argue. What does he have up his sleeve? I'd, you know, because again, this is the, I've never been in this kind of relationship before. So I was just like, what the heck? He got going on. Like, it was just too smooth. I thought, but he ended up moving like two bucks down for me, which again, in gigantic city, he did not need to do that. And it was an expensive neighborhood. So it didn't make any sense. And he constantly, this has been stuck and started. Like he constantly walked my apartment. So I would be walking my dog and I would see him. I would be going to work. He was there. I'm like,

27:10random streets too. Like, I'm like, how the heck? I saw him or that I saw him when I was dating him. Like, why are, why am I seeing you all the time? Why are you in front of my house? Why are you in my back alley? Like, what is going on here? And he was like, I'm just having a cigarette. Like, what, just making excuses. But he was there. And it was odd. Why would I see him this much? It's like, it was a massive city. You think he'd be avoiding me, right? When did it really hit you that this was not over? You've ended it, but it's not over for him. It started hit me like a probably a little bit later when I wasn't reacting to the walk buys and stuff. I just was not going to react to it. I'd moved on and it was hard. But like, I definitely, I was determined to move on. I'm not going to fall into like some sweet cute this person because I didn't know how that goes. I wasn't reacting to that. I at the time still had social media. I don't anymore. And I'll tell you why. But I had posted on Instagram a picture of the apartment. I had redecorated it or whatever that. And he saw a book or something in the background of the picture. And he sent me a text. I was at work. And he

28:14sent me a text that was like, Hey, I want that book. I want everything is like anything that's in that apartment. It's mine. I saw a book. That's mine. I want that back. And if you don't give it to me within the hour, I'm coming over. And my biggest fear, one way to really hurt me would be like, do anything to my dog. And so I was like, Oh my God, this is how unhinged she was. I was like, Oh my God, if he goes to my apartment, like, has like super lend a man, I don't know. Like, I have no idea. But I wouldn't put him past it to get in. And I just freaked out. Like left work. And I was like, I'm bringing it to you in an hour, dropped it up at his door. I'm in like left. And that's when I was like, Oh my God, you have to think like a psychopath. You have to be like, Oh my gosh, what could they do? So it was started with Instagram. He was like, talking on my pictures and deleting things. And he was in my account, mastering people, all this. That would be another thing. I would say, don't share your password with anybody. So we started there. And then he went to Facebook did the same thing, message about people sent all my pictures and deleted them. And then third, this was the part

29:17that really hurt me. And this was all within like probably two days. What really hurt me was he went through my emails. And my best friend and I used to email each other constantly because I lived about two hours away from her. And we've been best friends through your 12. So like we're talking all the time. And we used to send each other novels, like seriously, novels once a day. And she would write back. And so every single thing that you tell your best friend was in there, things I would never tell anybody else or things that I had problems with like with my parents. I'm mad at my dad because XYZ, my dad's my best friend. I would never, I'm saying it to my best friend because I would never want to hurt him with this information. And how does she think I should deal with it? And you know, a lot of really personal information was in those emails. And he forwarded them to everybody, my entire family, every single person, friends, family, every single person you could find in my emails. And I'm still more or to fight about that to this day, honestly. Then I was like, okay, social media, I need to delete or I became private on everything. I deleted other things or changed, well, obviously changed my password everywhere. But one thing I

30:19didn't think was the reason he had my password was GrubHub. I didn't think of that because you're not a psycho. So you're not thinking like, where else would he have my pet? You know, you have to really seriously think like these guys, these people. And so that was another thing. I, after I deleted everything, apologized to all my friends and family, like with my tail, which were my legs. And asked them not to open the emails as they possibly could. I was like two weeks later or something. I looked at my bank statement, which I never do because everything's auto paid. Thank God I did. I looked at my bank statement. There was like a thousand dollars of GrubHub deliveries. So he was just like GrubHub bringing it up on my dime. And it was just like, it was, it's been constant stuff like that since it really has. I'm Serena Williams and I'm healthier on row. I've lost 34 pounds in a year with GLP1's diet and exercise. On row, you can access GLP1 options, including the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss. Go to row.co slash journey to see if you qualify.

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32:25they're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Since then has the stocking moved from online into the physical world again? No, not that I know of. I honestly, I would not be surprised if it did. Because I believe we're both back in the same city. I wouldn't be surprised if he found out so much information online right now. It's very easy to find people and also like you can call somebody from any number. And unfortunately, I need to use my phone for work so I have to pick up calls. So not yet, but it's weird because it's been 10 years at least, maybe 12. It's been a really long time in my opinion. But everyone's, the really like day to day stuff stopped probably about after three years, after we broke up. So it went on for a while. But then it would be every once in a while like a strange person would like text me on LinkedIn. And I like, you can just, what? Like I still get things every once in

33:25a while and he still tries to friend me on everything. So I'm private on like the social media that I am on. And every once in a while, I'll still get a message from him trying to like friend me. And I'm like, oh, it's back to that same thing on which just go away. Because like I said, the police were called, I have four police reports based on him from neighbors that call the police. That's how bad things were. And I never filed any of them. So because of that same thing, I just wanted to go away. And I still feel like that. Just go away. Why are you still talking to me? Like we have completely different lives now. I don't even know anything about you. We've changed. I'm sure. What's the obsession? I don't know what that's all about. So this has really been going on kind of cyclical through all these years. Yeah. And like I said, the reason I wanted to speak on this podcast was I always wanted to speak on this podcast, but I was too nervous. But I was listening to one of your episodes and that moment I got a message from him on TikTok to like add me as a friend. And I'm like, okay, that's my sign. Why is it? It's what the heck? And I don't even use TikTok.

34:29What is going on here? So yeah, it's crazy. I don't understand. I don't understand how they these people work. Did you talk to your friends and family about this or anybody close to you? And how did they react? I did not. I was really embarrassed because like I said, like, this was the first time this ever happened to me. And I was, this is so, this is bad guys. But I always had a hope like maybe he would stop. Maybe he would just turn into like the nice guy. And like be his nice self. And maybe he would stop. And if I tell everybody that he's a jerk, they'll never forgive him. And then, you know, that's going to create problems. And because I'm really close with my friends of family. And so I didn't say anything. I didn't want to, I didn't want to admit it for that reason, which is embarrassing. I also didn't want to admit it for why are you still there? Why haven't you left? What are you doing? This is nuts. And I just, I was mostly I was embarrassed for a lot of reasons. And so I unfortunately didn't share it with anybody. And I could have got a lot of help probably. What types of things did you have to start doing in order

35:30to make yourself harder to find for him? I did one of those like, I don't know if they work, but those like online things where you can just like delete yourself. So if people look up your name, they're not going to see all your addresses in phone number locations and whatever. Because that's like $5. Like those are really inexpensive and it's scary. I suggest everybody figure out a way to get your name and address offline. And then I had to delete a thing, a bunch of things. So I originally on Facebook, for example, I changed my password originally for some, I have no idea, but he was back in there. And I just deleted it. And he also deleted all my pictures and things. So it wasn't meaning from me anymore. I lost a lot of footage though, or stocks. And then Instagram, I just blocked, this is another pin. I blocked him on Instagram, which worked what I forgot to do, was block all his friends. And that took me a couple of weeks to be like, oh, wait a second. Because he was still messaging me like being like, oh, I didn't know you were going to this restaurant. We used to go that restaurant and like he was still messaging me and I realized, how the heck is he

36:31finding this out? And you have to think again, like a psycho. And I was like, oh, wait a minute. His friends are still on, you know, some of my social media. So I had to go through and be like, which one I don't have these people I don't even know, but just delete people that I thought might be connected to him. So that was another thing. I had to like, you know, like change locks and things like that. And I'm just more conscious, I guess. And I do think a lot about passwords and making sure I don't use the same password for everything, which I used to, which I know is stupid, but I did. I make sure that I'm that's not. And I really check into anybody who friends me and anything. If they friend me, do I know them? You know, I'm not gonna just like, yes, anybody, because you don't want them to know what you're up to. So I think that's kind of it. Just be more vigilant, I would say. Throughout this time, you have police reports, but you never, you know, did the restraining order protect the word or anything like that. But how did you feel about how the police treated you about how authorities were taking this? Did they take it more seriously or less seriously?

37:36I would say it really dependent on the crew that showed up when the time that I was like standing in the glass, like those guys looked to me like I was their daughter, like they were like, oh my god, this poor girl, like, you know, and I think they got it where I was, I couldn't even make a decision at that point. Like somebody just trash like bulldozed my entire apartment. I don't even know what's going on. My dog's poop in the floor. Like I don't even know, I don't even know what's happening right now. And they were really nice. And the other city I was in, the police showed up and it was when he didn't live with me. And it was really funny because I'm not funny, but I laugh at it now, but it wasn't funny at the time. But I told him the whole thing and I was like, yeah, I mean, I might do a restraining order. I'm not gonna make that decision right now. And so police report and when they left, they were like, do you want me to go to his apartment and shake him down a little bit? And I was like, yeah, I do actually make him scared. Don't let him come back here. I'm joking. I know he was trying to like cheer me up, I think, maybe, but so it really depended. It's been in the sensitivity of the person, depending on the crew,

38:36because some of them were nice, some of them were terrible. He's shown you violence in the past, and he's still making himself known in your life. Are you ever frightened that some random thing could trigger him and he could come after you? I'm more afraid that he's going to embarrass me. I don't think he's going to come after me physically. I don't worry about that. I think he's going to, if he came after me or if I saw him in public, I think it would be to intimidate me and scare me and let him know that, they'll let me know that he was still around. But I don't think he would do anything physical to me, but I think he would do something to like, with my career or with my current partner, like I could see him doing something silly like that, but which is just a scary honestly. Do you think at some point enough time will have passed that he'll just move on or leave you alone? No, you know what I think? I think because he comes in cycles, I think that when he's with somebody else, he's tormenting them, and then when he's single, he's got time in his hands. So,

39:38I'm sure he's got a list of women that he torments, and that's honestly what I think. It gives, I feel like it's like a dopamine hit for him, just like, I have this control where I can still scare them, I can still make them feel like I'm looking in the window and I'm intimidating them. I think I really do, because it's been 12, and you know, it's been so long. Why is he still around? It's got to be, and why does he come and go? And that's all I can think. So, I'm not physically afraid of him, but I am afraid. You can't do damage still. How has this changed the way you approach relationships moving forward? I'm a lot, I won't say less trusting, but I'm a lot more careful with things that could come back to me. I guess I'm a lot slower to move into relationships. I want them to be like very, I want to be very solid in it, because again, like that relationship, I knew like, first date, I should have known, like, this is going to be crazy. I also think I should have given myself more time after that really meaningful relationship. And I wish I listened to my gut more, and was like,

40:38and listened to my relationship with my family and my exes and things like that. That has all been so sweet and so nice. I just, I wish to care myself more and didn't make so many excuses really, but. Do you feel that people around you know that you've changed, like your family, your friends, and any potential people that you may welcome into your daily life? I think you know what's funny. It's like, I think they thought I changed when he was around. They're like, what is going on here? Now I'm back to myself. I haven't dated anyway, that's been terrible. They've all been great. My parents have loved them. My friends have loved them, so I would say that it's kind of the opposite really. What advice do you have for anyone out there who may be in a similar situation to yourself? I would say honestly, and this is so classic, and it's hard to do. But like when you see a red flag hit the road, that you should not be seeing red flags in my opinion in the first, you should never be seeing red flags of course, of course. But like if you do in the first couple of months, just get out of there. It's so easy to cut bait then

41:39because they don't know enough about you. I think just cut bait as soon as you possibly can if you see red flag, just get out of there. You know, you know, you're not going to change it and bore all smart and we all know what our hearts were going on. And I think the problem is we'd always listen to it, but that would be my thing. That's what I wish I did. I would suggest like getting into, I wish I wish I did and I could still, but getting into like a group of people that also have gone through this so you can kind of bounce ideas off each other. It's so scary to press charges and go to a woman like a shelter or like any of that stuff. It's so terrifying and it's, it almost felt impossible to me and it may be, but I think talking to other people and finding out how they got through it and bouncing ideas off other people that have, you know, gone through what we have. I wish that had done that because you know, now I'm still kind of in this, in the grasps. And I think you need to be easier on yourself because a lot of people find it really scary to do

42:41that. Like do I wish I pressed charges? I do actually because I think I care, I suspect he's done this to many women since and I wish I had had this strength then and you know, but I understand why it's scary and that's why I think like getting in a group, talking it through, we like, you know, how do we do this? Like I would really suggest that and not also not to feel bad and not to be embarrassed because I was so embarrassed that I didn't get the help I needed. I didn't want to tell anybody, like it was embarrassing and those are my biggest things. I wish that I did differently, I guess. If you could say anything to your stalker, what would you say to him? What would you want him to know? I don't want to say anything to him. I want him to go away. I don't want even me in a place where I need to talk to him. The only, that's what I would say to him is like can you just stop? What is this about? Like stop. Like I don't want to have a conversation with you. I just want you to, I never want to see your face your name again. There's no reason for it. We dated for a year and a half,

43:43it wasn't like a 10 year or 20 year relationship. I just want to just stop. I don't get the obsession, but I also don't want to engage him in any sort of conversation because I think that would kick it back up even worse. So that I probably wouldn't want to say anything to him except for leave me alone. We so appreciate you coming forward and sharing with us today. Thank you so much Beth. If anyone out there is a need of help or is a victim of stalking, please reach out. You can find a list of resources on our Instagram at StrictlyStockingPod. If you'd like to share your story with us on StrictlyStocking, you can reach us at StrictlyStockingPod at gmail.com. That's StrictlyStocking.cod at gmail.com. As a listener of StrictlyStocking, please leave a review and rate us five stars on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or Word Views. I'm Jake Deptula. And I'm Jamie Bebe. Thank you for joining us and today's episode of StrictlyStocking.