#530: Answering Questions On Emotional Unavailability

0:00Hello and welcome to the Murk Rose podcast. Excited to share with you this week where I answer three questions of yours that are really actually very powerful questions. They allowed me to go pretty deep into many patterns and layers. It was actually a lot of fun to explore. As I've mentioned time and time again, our relational patterns are really just magnifying glasses to general patterns, general ways we self abandon or people please or distance ourselves or whatever it might be. This was a really fun episode to record and explore. I did it live on YouTube so you can subscribe on there if you ever want to catch them live. Before I get into the episode, I wanted to share an insight that was reflected to me. I laid some pretty nice boundaries on my Instagram a couple of weeks ago saying that I'm often

1:04told like staying your own lane, staying relationships and I got to tell you, as I've said on the podcast before, I'm like, this is my channel, this is my expression. If you don't like it, that's totally fine. I'm not for everybody. I realize that I'm healing. I've healed and continue to heal. Co-dependency on a relational level. Me with any other human, not just romantic, but if you're a codependent or romantic relationships, you'll have codependency everywhere. That'll just mask a rate. Poor boundary is a little self-sabotage. Other things. And not being able to keep your word to yourself. I mean, it has lots of stuff. Self abandonment to please parents to not doing a job that you actually want to do, not pursuing those passions, not believing that your worth and your values and what matters to you is even worth pursuing. All of these are ways that we are taught that are intrinsic awareness or intrinsic wisdom is somehow second place to living a normal life, quote unquote, or one that, you know,

2:09keeping up with the Joneses or whatever it is. In the expression of those boundaries on Instagram, it felt really good because I feel like I'm healing a collective or a communal codependency that even within a community I'm not willing to collapse, but rather stand shoulder to shoulder as adults with different points of view in different ways of thinking. But I'm not going to shy away from the truth ever. I can't. I will die if I do that. And so I'd rather die for the truth always and for standing in what matters because I want to look back on my life or have my life looked back upon. I don't care by how many people, but just in general, for people to say that that person, that man valued telling the truth, that person valued standing up for what's right. And I won't always do that right. And that's, you know, like whenever you're creating anything you've never done or you've

3:10not witnessed or whatever it may be, you're going to make the wrong choices. You're going to say the wrong things. You're going to do the wrong things. But that is what you sign up for when you live a life that is not the same life as everyone else, or you have conversations not everyone is having where you make choices not everyone makes because there's not like a long list of evidence or signs of what was the right turn to take. I remember listening to Lisa Nichols when I went to a coaching workshop and she said, you know, I take a lot of sticks to the face because no one's walked this path of mine before. And isn't that true of any authentic path? Like it doesn't have to be like Yuri La must starting a space thing or an electric car company or whatever. It's like you're just someone who's telling your truth. And since there's never been a version of you in a lot of ways that's going to be a colossal choice. One that has waves and impacts that you can even see because it's just in your presence,

4:12even the people who are resistance to your change, resisted to your changes are often inspired by it, but the inspiration they don't even know how to hold because it's a mirror of their own misalignment with their own truths. So it felt really powerful to just stand in that on Instagram. And I got this reflection from one of you that said like, hey, I noticed you sort of hold different energy in Instagram than you do on your podcast. And you know that I speak slower, more and more methodically. I get a little more animated, I guess. Sometimes I get animated on here, but you know, on Instagram when I'm in passion and like, let's stop making these decisions that are so self-abandoning. You know, it's like, fuck, let's wake up. But I recognize that the conversations that I have on here, this is sort of my playground, you know, my podcast. And so thank you for being in this playground with me and being so supportive of my healing of codependency, collective codependency. Like I have only experienced being held by you and celebrated when I stand further in

5:16my power. And I, this really speaks to the truth that anyone standing in a boundary, it's just empowering and it's a thing about it relationally. It's so attractive when someone's like, no, that actually doesn't work for me or how you spoke back there was not okay with me. Like when we draw a line in the sand, people are like, oh, they're the type of person who draws lines. And I also like saying like, I'm going to choose what Lane I want to talk about because I get to do that. That's the invitation of my own creative life. And if you want to start a channel about your own stuff, do that. That's incredible. And I also take feedback really well. And I love getting feedback. And if you followed my podcast journey, I mean, gosh, I got new microphones changed, you know, heard feedback about how I interviewed and I've completely, I always shift if it's feedback that is useful and productive for my expansion. But if it is feedback that is really framed in criticism and as a way of getting me to

6:19play small or trying to silence me, can't do it. Because you don't break out of shell so you can go back in them. You don't tear a mask off so you can put another one on. We got to keep shaking shit out. And I appreciate you. Thank you for supporting me, this podcast. And you know, now's the time to get into this question and answer where we really explore emotional and availability, whether you're a single or in a relationship, these questions will connect to you. And wherever you listen to this podcast, please subscribe to it, share it, give it a five star review and a written review that's super helpful. Much love without further ado. Here is me, answering questions, your questions. I'm going to be talking on emotional and availability, which I, you know, is whether we're single or in relationship, the subject of emotional and availability is rampant and evident

7:20by the way we sabotage, the way we don't allow ourselves to be to love and be loved, the way that we cheat, leave, lie, you know, or maybe just don't allow people into our hearts. We create distance by saying things like, yeah, I'm not really sure or, yeah, you know, I'm not, I'm not really feeling this right now. And that might be a truth, but it can also be a way of creating distance. You know, it can be a way of creating distance. A lot of us choose people who are emotionally unavailable because it means that we will never have to be loved. And that sounds like a bit of a mind fuck, you know, because you think about it, you're like, wait, so I might be attracted to unavailable people because I myself am afraid of actually being loved. Yes, yes, 100%. You know, I have people answer the question or just complete the sentence. There's two sentences that I think are imperative in this conversation. The first one is, and it's to come up with the first thing that comes to you, not to

8:22cognitively come up with the right answer or the answer you'd like. Let's get that shit out of the way. So you might say, you might finish the sentence, when I love people day, when I love people day. So my former answer would have been, they don't choose me, they don't choose me back, they don't love me back at the same level. I love them more than they love me. When I love people, they betray me, they lie to me. You know, and this doesn't have to be our whole relational experience. This can be just one that sets a framework for them why we're afraid to be close to people. But then the other one would be, when I let people love me back. So the first one is, when I love people day, and the second one is, when I let people love me day, they lie to me, they hurt me, they cheat, they, whatever, or they love me back. And then we might want to explore when I love people, right?

9:24So these are two really important sentences because they get you to the unconscious understanding of what outcome you might be avoiding in the way you handle conflict and your relationship choices. So when, let's say, when I love people, they cheat on me, or they betray me, then I'm going to choose people who are naturally, I'm not going to allow close to me, right? I'm not going to want to because I'm going to end up betrayed, but here's the irony of all of this. If you begin to open your heart to that person, and you choose someone who can't really fulfill your needs or meet you where you're at, then you are in turn betraying yourself. You're betraying your own soul, betraying your own contract with yourself to move towards unconditional love, to learn how to relate and be in relationship. You know, like, when I think about it, if the past wasn't showing up in all of our interactions,

10:27we would all be able to handle conflict like magicians. You know, it'd be super easy because there'd be no historical experience that's showing up in the present moment. You know, Harval Hendrix talks about how in all conflict, there's 90% of the time it's about old shit, not often even to do it with the partner we're in conflict with, you know? So yeah, yeah, like, and let's get into these questions so we can, we can delve in for the people who wrote in. Hi Mark, thank you for your insightful and honest work. I'm 38 and I want to get married and have kids. I've dated wonderful men, but haven't met my person yet. Making a mistake at this age feels overwhelming at times. I didn't wait this long to get married to have it be with the wrong guy. Yeah, I hear you. I feel the tremendous pressure of time, but try and breathe into my fears and have faith that will all make sense when I meet my person. Or maybe I already have it, I missed it. I've recently started dating a great man and I'm excited to get to know him and yet my

11:30head wanders to another what if guy and reaching out to my ex of a year ago. He said it was timing, but we were in a classic anxious of what it'd trap and I didn't use my words about what I needed to set boundaries and give him the space to show up. I wonder if I had better boundaries. If I had had better boundaries, if things would have worked out and ponder revisiting it, or do I actually have just have commitment issues and simply attractive to the unavailable and when someone shows up my mind wanders? How will I know when I've found the right person to commit to? If I keep questioning, is it the guy or me? Do I trust that my ex isn't the right guy for me or is it courageous to reach out and just be honest with where I'm at? How do you know the difference between commitment and settling? Oh my gosh, wouldn't we like to all know that? And will the wandering mind ever go away? A little all over the place. Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, I can feel that you're all over the place. There's a lot of ruminating here and not allowing yourself to be present. You know, a lot of the time, rumination, this type of mind wandering is a learned behavior

12:36that we learned as kids, that we learned it was what pulled us away from the presence of maybe not having feeling chosen, safe or getting our needs met. And so our mind wanders to what ifs and we go into fantasy land, not actually being fully present to what possibilities exist. It sounds like the guy you're currently with is great. And there's an opportunity here. But do you notice that because of formerly not trusting yourself and just the flow of how life works? That your questioning, had you be different? Had you shown up differently, being a different circumstance today? Well, listen, there is not an actual other reality that exists in this moment from the past. When we regret things, I've spoken about this before, regret becomes a privilege. It becomes a prison because it says, if I had done something different, I would be different today. My life would be different today. So we're in pain in imagining an alternate reality that doesn't exist, not being able to actually go back to the moment that says, you know, I wonder if I had had better boundaries

13:39if things would have worked out and I pondering revisiting it. Well, you need better boundaries now. You need better boundaries one with your ex and with your communication with the next. You need better boundaries around what you actually want. You're not honoring the container of what you want to create and what you say you've held out this long for. So you know, this is a way that we self-sabotage, that we don't allow ourselves closeness. So that sentence that I started with when I love people day, when I let people love me day, I'm going to imagine that there's something that occurs that keeps you from actually letting someone close. So when you want to actually open your heart to someone and enter sacred union, sacred relationship, you can't have tethers to other relationships. You have to close the door. So maybe I don't know the exact steps that can occur here, but I would suggest getting much clarity with your ex and expressing what you hope or feel or need or thought and get closure there.

14:40Are we going to move forward or not? I have this exploration or not. Or you close that door completely and you don't let the fantasy mind exist in that space. You catch it. This isn't serving us. I need to be present now. I have choice now. I have relationship now. I have boundaries now. Right? So the regret comes from not actually implementing the current thing today. I wish I had if that was different than today would be different. Well today can be different. If you brought what you just learned from what you regret and you bring it to today, you could be totally different. You could be in a completely different circumstance. Notice how the need for boundaries exists to protect the sacredness of any union. You can't have tethers to all unions. And as the Gotman's talk about the beginning of the death of a relationship is the imagination of a real or imagined alternative to what we have. Because we continue to fantasize instead of dealing with our shit now, showing up now, changing our life now.

15:41It's important that we show up now. We live in a world that rewards you for never stopping, for always being on. And for a long time, I did wear that like a badge of honor. You know, like exhaustion was proof that I was doing enough. And that I really had bypassed my true capacity. I'd been so used to running at 140% that I thought that was my 100. But here's what I've learned. The way you rest is the way you recover. And the way you recover is the way you show up. That they're directly correlated, you know, for your work, for the people you love for yourself. And that shift started honestly with something as simple as how I sleep. I started using the Kosier with Comforter. And I noticed I wasn't waking up hot. I wasn't restless. I was actually resting. It's breathable. It's temperature regulating. And it has this cloud-like softness that signals to your body, hey, you're safe. You can let go now. You can relax. And that's what real rest feels like.

16:43They stay behind it with a hundred-night trial and a 10-year warranty. Because when something is built with that kind of intention, they know you're going to keep it. Go to Kosier with Com and use my code change for up to 20% off. Because the most radical act of self-connection, it might just start with the moment you close your eyes. Go grab yours now. OK. Now, I think there's so much of this is about trusting the flow. A lot of people say, oh, I'll just trust that fate will bring me this person. And then my life will change and everything will be great. And fate will be the thing that brings me into the right place at the right time. You know, I often say fate won't work for you if you don't work for you. Like, if you're not working for yourself, fate ain't going to do shit. Like you have to get clear on your boundaries. You have to heal your stuff. You can do that in real life. You can do that in relationship. And you show up today and you say, OK, I'm ready. Like everything that I've learned in my life is implemented.

17:43I am an example of complete integration or continued integration. And you know, if you're sitting with any unrealized wisdom, you're not doing yourself any favors. If you know that you need boundaries and you're not putting boundaries into your life, your life's going to be a reflection of somebody who doesn't have boundaries who keeps needing to learn boundaries. You know, it's this idea of like, well, I don't know why this keeps happening to me. Because you're making the same choices because you're moving towards the same types of people because you're allowing the same behaviors from yourself and other people. That's not a mystery. The shit isn't a shock. It's just that we don't want to choose something differently because, you know, there's a fear that if I step into the unknown, everything I fear might occur. But I'm saying that in the unknown, you've never been who you are now. You know, you step into the unknown, you get hurt when you're a kid. And then you never step in the unknown again, not realizing that through learning how you got hurt, you step up and you become the warrior. You need to not walk through life, this open chest that I love, everything, care bear,

18:46stare kind of person. You're walking in with an open heart, but you're a warrior. You're not allowing any type of shit to enter. You know, and that's how we have to start showing up. So you know, deep breaths, right? This is, you know, it's on the other side, I was just talking to a friend about this. There's a great rooming quote that speaks to essentially the idea that like why stay in the prison, the doors right there. And I think about that a lot of like, we're in prisons of our own design. I can't do that. It's not okay. No one loves me. We're not stepping out into the unknown. You know, like when you close your eyes and you meditate or you explore the other realms that happen in the dream world, you realize that you're in touch with the infinite, you're in touch with everything. And that's the same thing as walking into the unknown. That's the same thing as having a conversation you've never had. That's the same thing as closing all the backups you've got so that you don't have to be vulnerable fully in the thing you're in now.

19:47So you just keep complaining that there's these backups and I want to create this thing. Do you really want to you? Are you ready to show up as the kind of person who creates sacred union? This means you got to treat it as sacred. You can't be half-assing shit. Full ass, all ass in that. You know? And I love that quote from Remy. It's one of the most moving ones because you realize there's no guard there that's saying you can't. You know, I had a conversation the other day where someone's like, I'm not sure we can do this. And I'm like, the question is, can we? It's how are we going to? Whenever anyone tells me I can't do something. I'm like, no, those are rules made by people who didn't do it. That's not how the world changes. You know, people are like, well, how are we ever going to resolve all the stuff that's going on in the world? It's like, we got to do different shit. It's not going to happen by people just folding, you know, by people just giving up. That's not what I'm here for. I'm here for all of it.

20:48Okay. Question number two. My ex from five years ago keeps circling back to me for the first three years after our initial break up. We try to get back together three times. Then he entered into a two year relationship, which recently ended and he circled back to me again. I've done a lot of personal work and I've come to an amazing place in my life in all aspects, except I'm still single. Let's call that amazing too. You see, the accept I'm still single carries, it's not amazing. So there's something about a judgment of self of being single as opposed to everything is amazing in every other area. I've always thought about him. I've always wondered if we'd ever circled back and make it happen, but I would never reach out to him first. This last time two weeks ago, we saw each other. And like every other time we've gotten together, it's so natural and free and amazing. Our connection and chemistry has never gone away for all this time. But I've worked so hard to get to this place emotionally and I'm ready to find and be with my person. It's currently on his emotional journey, but keeps telling me he's ready to be married

21:50and find his person and when all the shit is swept aside, he finds himself thinking of me. So I told him, I'm in, let's go. Then he pumps the brakes and tells me he wants to get to know me again and build trust and he can't say he's all in right now. This is the fifth time he's said exactly the same words to me. The only difference is we actually can sit down and talk without blowing up at each other with hurt without me freaking out because he won't commit to me immediately. Now all I feel is that I cannot undo all the progress I've made to become emotionally stable and ready and wait for him, but I want to. How do I stay on track and go slow with him at the same time as he playing with me? He sounds like someone who is really scared of closeness, you know, and I would invite two things. It's really beautiful that you're able to hold this conversation in a calm way. You know, it's good that he's able to recognize that he can't tell you something that's not true for him. Even people will villainize what he's saying because we would be protecting ourselves from the rejection or possible abandonment that you might feel in that moment because we

22:52don't know as listeners or as other people, your friends, your family, how to hold that possibility. We can't hold it for you. We are like, just ditch him, fuck him, get that shit out of here, screw that person. Yeah, they're not ready. They're not ready. But you know, I think there's something really interesting here because I found this in the reunion that I had with Kai as I wanted to lock things down right away and she's like, let's take a breath, let's figure out if we're alive. And I remember I felt really young in that moment that I wanted certainty. But what I did when I heard her say that as I took a breath and a step back and I realized that I was forgetting that I needed to be discerning about whether this was a good choice for me. And I hear myself in your words. So I told him, I'm in, let's go. There's not discernment in that statement where you're waiting to choose if he's actually a good fit for you. That this actually works for you. And that's where you realize you're choosing not waiting to be chosen as the magic here.

23:58It's actually stepping in to the authority and the power of the recognition of that choice. This is a huge moment of transformation because it actually says, listen, if I'm emotionally available, if I've done all this work, then I'm not ready to just give away my exclusivity in my life to this. I feel chemistry great. I feel attraction great. Has he actually grown and has you grown? It sounds like you have what has changed for him that hasn't worked in the past. You know, you could say to him, I'm not looking for a commitment that says this is forever because that's what causes people to be scared. So if I'm committing to you now, it's forever and it gets overwhelming, especially for people who are avoided because they feel trapped. That's not recognizing that relationships in and of themselves must feel free. And that doesn't mean, oh, you're free, just come and go as you want. It's to say, why don't we explore this? And I want to figure out a really powerful line from whoever asks this question, but if

24:59you're in a similar situation is to say, yeah, I need to figure out if this is a right fit for me to good point. Let's take it slow and what you'll notice is they'll likely move into a bit of a more anxious state, but they'll feel safer. And they might all of a sudden want to lock it down with you. Again, you have to stay in the space of recognizing that you are choosing. As soon as they say, oh, yeah, let's actually lock this down. You might want to jump into it. No, you still have to say, you're like, I got him. Okay, perfect. No, you didn't get them. It's not about getting them. It's about you choosing if they are a good fit and they are aligned with you. This isn't just about doing life with people, okay? That's an anxious choice. That's not an adult choice. An adult choice says, is this aligned? Does it fit? Deep breath. As I gather more information, see who this new person is that I'm getting back together with. I often speak to the idea that it's not about getting back together. It's about moving forward with meeting them in the future.

26:02If they are aligned, they will be in your path. But they'll be in their path in a space where they have grown and expanded into the type of partner who is a mirror to your growth and expansion. So you're being invited. Invite him to show up, get better at expressing what you need, learn discernment, learn how to manage your own anxiety. Now what you're saying to him is, I'm not asking for a promise of the future. But what I do need right now is to know that we're both open to exploring this together and looking at what this looks like for us. We're not seeing other people. Is that fair? Yes, that's fair. If that doesn't work for you, if there are one a day to be open to other people, then you have to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You have to stay aligned with your truth. So what you do is you tell this person all those things you need, because what you're really seeking with, I'm in, let's do this, is security. Notice how future oriented that is without actually being auditing the present. Do you notice that?

27:02Even that statement, I'm in, let's do this. It's beautiful, right? Because people go, that's it. If you find your person, you're just going to do whatever you can to do it. Sure. That's a beautiful romantic ideal. But then humans come along and they're real and they're flawed and they have challenges and relationships bring up our shit. And this is your shit. This is your stuff, as the question asked her, is how do you stand in the truth of your own independence and sovereignty and interrelationship? You're already ready to give your sovereignty away. But I don't mean that as a criticism, because what's in here is you saying, my sovereignty matters to me. My self-worth matters to me. So I need to know, how do I enter relationship and not give it away? Beautiful. So hey, Shade, I'm still learning that too, especially as someone who's prone to codependency, prone to people pleasing, prone to wanting to be liked. You know, I noticed this as a collective experience for me that I'm learning how to heal my collective

28:05codependency, which is the world, the viewer, for right now, the listener, will you like me? And now I'm in this space where I'm like, show up and tell the truth, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You know, and that is exactly the same skill set we have to have in relationship, you know, in the previous question. You're talking about your acts, show up and tell the truth. Get aligned. Get aligned. This is all about alignment. It's not allowing unresolved things to live in the ethore of your soul. I'm all about, let's clear it. Let's apologize for everything we've wrong. This is what you do in AA, right? She goes through the steps, you write out a list of everything, one you fucked over, everyone you hurt, and then you go and you repair. Same is true for every human. We all need to do this. You go and you repair and you get pieces of your soul back that you gave away. You know, we're all wanting someone to apologize to us, but we don't think about the people we need to apologize to, the people we need to take responsibility for. So this is great. I mean, you're in a beautiful place. I love this.

29:05You know, I, you know, relationship is going to invite that you step into a new version of you. And as Abraham Hicks says, when you make a wish for something like a powerful, amazing relationship, universe is going to bring everything. It's got in your way that you need to heal and figure out so you can show up for that. Like I said, sacred union only occurs when you step into treating yourself in any union as sacred. And we have to learn how to do that because we're certainly not taught to treat love and sex especially from the sacred place. You know, any energy that I give away to another Instagram, or all the things I don't give to my partnership. This doesn't mean you're not going to be attracted to other people or recognize sexual energy or recognize where possibilities exist. You know, we live under this fallacy that if we desire someone else or attracted to someone else, we must not be with our person because our person would make us inhuman.

30:10And all of a sudden our loins will no longer tangle. You are biology too. You are cells and drives and hormones and all the things to deny that is bypassing bullshit that religions taught us. You know, to be aroused is bad. You'll go to hell. It's like, no, you won't. You're human. It's to recognize that you get to choose what you do with your arousal. You get to choose what you do with your desire. You put it into creative work. You alchemize it. You put it into your sacred union. You redirect it. You put it into yourself. You know, when we start to pursue these other things, it's usually because we're not putting effort into our creative channels. So shit, you know what? I really think you're in a beautiful spot here question, ask her, how do I stay on track and go slow? You do exactly that and you honor his pace. You ask why? What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of? I'm afraid you might leave. I'm afraid you're planting with me. You put it on the table because all that says is I'm not willing to wear a mask when

31:14I connect with you. Do you want to put one on? Because I ain't here for it. And so as Elizabeth Gilbert said to Glenn and Doyle in their book, there's no such thing as one way liberation. To be liberated in union is to invite liberation. To be your authentic self is to invite authenticity. And that's true of all relationships. This is true with your workplaces. True with how you show up on Instagram. It's true with everything. People don't like it. Cool. Get off the bus. Lots of space for other people who are in my home, you know, who are my homies, who are my clan. All right, last question. Hey Mark, I'm 31 and I feel like I've done most of the work on myself given my life experiences. I've been processing, I think I remember thinking that at 31 to 42 now. I've been processing my feelings and taking things really slow to make sure my feelings are true towards my boyfriend of almost a year. Beautiful. I recently told my love him and gave him reasons by his actions and how he makes me feel. I know he genuinely cares about me.

32:14He's a really good person that allows me to get independent in our relationship, to be independent in our relationship. Unfortunately, being vulnerable comes with getting undesired outcomes. He says it cares about me but he's not there yet. It's unfair to ask when he'll be ready because you can't put a time on love. I feel so much love from him but he can't say he loves me. How do I continue moving forward after being vulnerable and asking how he feels about me? I can't ignore the fact that he isn't there with me. Quote unquote. Thanks so much. What a beautiful question. You know, this really shows us, you know, I think this really speaks to a similar thing which is when someone says, hey, I want to get married or how do you feel about marriage and the other person says, I don't marriage a stupid. I never want to get married. Or I don't believe in marriage and I say to them, change the definition. Like you don't believe in what marriage is and what the institution is based on what you've seen and you're based on our age groups and what we've witnessed. There's good reason for that because what we called marriage was relational self-adventure

33:18codependency, control and manipulation. You know, most of us have observed that. Very few of us have observed sacred unions. Very few of us have observed relationships where people got to be more of themselves and free than expanded and were encouraged to grow, change, speak, be in, you know, like in their fire, in their soul. Most of us have not witnessed that. We've been taught that you should be a cog in a wheel, be part of an institution. Join a corporation, work nine to five, give your soul away so you can meet the needs and satisfy all the checklist, including get married and make it your dream day that was marketed to you by all the big marketing agencies. So shit, I get that. So when we talk about the word love, we say what does love actually mean to you? That's what I would want to know from him. How would you know when you are? What has happened to you that you're afraid to step into that? You know, it is an avoidant behavior because it creates distance between you and them,

34:23but that doesn't mean it should be vilified. It should be met with compassion. Now you get to choose where the line is of what this person is ready. It sounds like you experience acts of love from him. And so he does love you, but you want to hear the words because the words would create security. So you know, now you're going to put up walls and allow him forward, not allow him fully in because you're saying, wait, I'm in. I said, I love you. You didn't say it back. So what's up? You know, which is really when you think about it, your expression of, I love you. It was an active vulnerability and courage. And now it is meeting a condition. Oh, you didn't say it back. Let me just roll back a bit. Let me protect my heart. So there can be a conversation here that creates more security, which is about deeper understanding. Again, those questions. What does love mean to you? Where has love led in your past? Again, come back to the first two questions I started with. When I love people, they, when I let people love me that.

35:25And I'm sure he has a story on the other side of that. I lose myself. I'm betrayed. I lose everything. I'm hurt. And so he's not ready to say yet because it's a big leap. And he thinks if I say it, then I might end up there, which he doesn't know that he can change the story. What a beautiful act of honesty to risk the possibility that of telling you the truth. That's how much he loves you. He told you the truth at the cost of how you might feel. Wow, you know, you got to see that. Most of us would react and say that's a red flag. And I would say it's actually a green flag. And it's an opportunity to get more curious. So you continue to move forward by, actually, I would do the five love languages test from Gary Chapman, which is free online, both of you could do it. And what it does is it just talks about your love languages. And you'll see all the ways that he loves you. But I would really get curious about it.

36:26Tell me more about that. What does it mean for you? What are you afraid of? Here's how I received what you said to me. It makes me want to close my heart and makes me want to pull back. It makes me feel like I'm loving you and you're not loving me. And I also know consciously that that's not true because you show up for me and you treat me with love and reverence. So what is it about the word love and what it means to say it that is fearful for you? You see how important that inquiry is? Gosh, I love all of you, the way that all of you who pose these questions who are on here, think about things are so curious. It shows you the level of awareness and desire we have to move towards what feels like a sacred union, what feels like this space where I get to learn how to manage what is my own experience of your experience. Remember the most powerful relationships are this space where they can hold the container of two truths at the same time.

37:27I love you and you're not sure. The relationship says, tell us more. Tell us more because this is a safe space for everyone to explore. And what a beautiful opportunity to meet ourselves with grace, to meet ourselves with the sadness that might occur there, the anger that we're not being met. But also the excitement of what is possible that I'm speaking truth that I was vulnerable. The real invitation in any of these actions is to recognize that your act of vulnerability is actually the evidence of your ability to love and be loved. The response to your vulnerability is separate from you. It's separate from your worth and who you are. If anything, I'd say you just demonstrated to yourself that you're willing to unconditionally love that you're willing to put it on the line, what a beautiful, beautiful thing to close your heart in that moment would be to operate based on what you were taught, which is, if you don't receive it back then it's not love. Love still exists, it doesn't go anywhere. Regardless of what he says, it's all the stories we have attached to love and where it

38:31goes that cause us to be afraid to show up because we don't believe we'll have the skills, the choice, how to manage it. Recognizing we all had our hearts torn fucking open. I'm like, go in that, get to know that. Get to know that shit, right? Don't close it. A broken heart is not one that's open. It's one that won't love again. It's one that won't go to the edges. We are all invited to the upper limits of how we love. The conversation you've never made it through, the conflict you've never learned how to manage, the relational dynamic you've never changed, the pattern you've never figured out, the sabotage that you do, the cheating, the lying, whatever it is, you run, you shut down, you get really angry. Every edge of behavior that is not productive in relationship is a way of limiting your closeness. And that's why conflict is always a bridge to deeper intimacy. It's always a bridge to more knowledge. It's always a bridge to more wisdom. It's always a bridge to know your limits.

39:32We say it's theirs. Well, they do this, they do that. It's like, what about you? You know? Of course, anxious people are the ones with the power in a lot of ways in relationship because they go, but you're not meeting me. I love you. I love all out. When I go, I go all in. And they're going like, shit, that's a lot. Like you need to calm down. You need to slow your role. And you're like, you just don't know how to love me. It's because we're spilling our energy out on them. We're wanting them to catch it all and prove that we're so lovable, that we're just enough that finally I'm not too much for someone. And I'm saying, hold on to the edge of who you are. Don't allow it to spill over your worth. It doesn't live in the validation of them, of you, of them confirming that you're chooseable. It actually lives in the space of where you don't over share. It lives in the space where you are putting in energy that says, hold this for me because I'm not sure it's holdable. Hold this for me. I'm not sure I'm lovable. It actually lives in the space of you holding it and not needing them to.

40:36And that is the gift of learning how to heal anxious attachment and avoidance attachment. It is, I know how to preserve this space. I know how to protect it. I know how to trust myself. I know that when I let people in, I've got me. That's the avoidance healing. The anxious, I'm going to let people close. I'm going to let people in. I'm going to let them a little closer. I know that I got my back and I might react, but then I'll repair if I do. I might pull away, but I'll come back because I know how to protect myself. The anxious person is about restraint. It's about containment. And both of these things really lead to healing. And that's why relationships are beautiful. I love you all. Have a beautiful day. Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode. If this episode resonated with you, one of the best ways to support the show is to go subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss anymore. Leave a five star review on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to it. Or share the episode with your community on Instagram or whatever social place you like

41:39to hang out. This helps get it into more people's ears and I'm so grateful for your support always. Thanks again for tuning in. Much love.