Bait and Switch?

0:00Welcome to the Story Nerd Podcast, Hook Your Breeder Episode. This is where we give authors our professional advice about their query letters and their first 10 pages writing samples. I am Kathleen Fox and I'm a literary agent with the Rights Factory in Toronto and an editor at Fox editorial. And I am Valerie Francis. I'm an author and a story editor and I teach women who are writing in all genres. I have to look so good that it hooks the reader on page one and never let's end up. On today's episode we're reviewing a story genre unknown from San Gau. And I hope that I pronounce that correctly. Before we get started, we'd love it if you could help other writers find our show by leading a rating and review. For Apple, sorry, for Apple Podcast listeners, you can do it right from your phone, simply go to the show's landing page and scroll to the bottom. It's that simple. If you're watching us on YouTube, please hit like and subscribe so you never miss a episode.

1:00Alrighty, as always, I will get started by reading the query letter and a reminder that if you want to read the query letter and the first 10 pages writing sample that we review here on the show so that you can learn and level up your own craft, all you have to do is assign up to my mailing list and you can do that by going to Valerie Francis.ca slash checklist and download the first 10 pages checklist. So this is everything that needs to be in your first 10 pages. I've got a neat little checklist for you. Go and grab it. Okay. So here is fans letter. Dear Ms. Last Name. I am seeking representation for the Asian Parents Guide to World Travel, a 75,000 word work of fiction that is crazy rich Asians meets Emily in Paris. I'm querying you because of your interest in championing BIPOC slash underrepresented voices. Quote, all happy family vacations are alike. Each unhappy family vacation is unhappy in its own way.

2:02Mine began when I discovered my mother in bed with a man who was not my father. End quote. For their whole lives, the gals have lived under Mrs. Gals iron fist and iron walk. Rotating cast of hairbrains schemes and relentless commentary on Gau Juniors' lack of matrimonial progress. So in Gau Juniors lands the family and all expenses paid three week European getaway, courtesy of a bananza of hotel points. He envisions the kind of luxurious, relaxing, once in a lifetime reprieve, worth telling those grandchildren Mrs. Gals keeps asking him to reproduce. Alas, the road soon exposes what the home could not. Your room can be upgraded, but your family cannot meet the travelers. Mrs. Gals, matriarch general and self-appointed CEO of everything. Mr. Gau her long suffering consort still trying to perfect strategic marital invisibility and Gau Juniors their singular and single child resigned to life at the bottom of the

3:02family totem pole. Because what ensues is a grand tour, Italy France, UK of disasters uniquely of their own making, doing laundry like a fairy godmotherless Cinderella till midnight, playing parched charades in a restaurant day for water with no gas, evading a museum stalker for four miles through the Vatican museums and accidentally breaking into the official resident of the president of Italy. But the real operation has been unfolding in plain sight, a covertly pre-arranged marriage by Mrs. Gau and her henchman Mr. Gau to get Gau Juniors off the market in London. Quote, Mrs. Bennett had five daughters and I can't even get rid of one stupid son. Many loving and proudly overbearing, the Asian parents guide to world travel will appeal to readers of dial A for aunties by Jesse Q. Soutanto, the gunnacle abroad by Stephen Role and fans of Emily Henry's people we meet on vacation, but who found the romance

4:05and wanderlust lacking a little tiger mom oversight. My writing has been published in Gernica, the New England Review and Massachusetts Review for forthcoming. The Asian parents guide to world travel was the finalist for the prestigious AWP Sue Williams Silverman Prize 2025 judged by Cheryl Strade. I also was the writing fellow at the loft literary center 2023. Upon request, I'd be happy to provide the completed manuscript in full. Thank you for your consideration. Alrighty, Kathleen, your thoughts on fans, Creole letter. Yeah, before I get started, just a quick reminder that my opinions and advice are my own and not necessarily reflective of the rights factory or other agents. It's very, very subjective. I just wanted to note this queer letter sounds very convolier to me. I may have received it in my inbox at one time. Let's start with the intro paragraph. I am noticing that there are there's no specific genre there,

5:07which is a really, really important piece of info. That is like the first thing that tells me that this could be a match for me, right? Depending on what kinds of things I'm looking for. And the bonding line or the line of personalization is also that the agent is looking for BIPOC or underrepresented writers, which is fantastic, but agents must first fall in love with the story, right? And then the author. So you have to sell your story first. And so what about this story? Do you think would be a good match for this particular agent? You want to make sure that you're querying them because they're looking for a certain kind of story. And then also, you know, what's the bonus that they're looking for at BIPOC or underrepresented writers? I don't think that that is enough on its own though to make it feel like a match. The comps are intriguing.

6:08Excuse me. They're popular, they're well known just with the titles alone. And it already gives me at least a general idea of what this book might be about. The log line. So just looking at the log line as, you know, just standing on its own. What a fantastically hooky log line, right? Catching your mother in bed with someone other than your father. While on family vacation. Oh my. It's an instant hook because who doesn't want to know more about that now, right? And then we get to the plot paragraphs. They're very voicy. There's a subtle sarcastic humor present, which I really like. I laughed at the part about playing charades in a restaurant for a water with no gas. It was a similar spectacle when I went to Brazil. I learned that it's very common to get water with bubbles in restaurants, unless you specifically ask for no gas. So I found that amusing just on a personal note. I was also intrigued by the calamity of events and especially the accidental break-in at the Italian president's residence.

7:09So there's all kinds of things that are intriguing that are happening in this story. The thing that is missing for me here is the stakes. It's very clear that the mother wants to marry her son off so that she can become a grandmother. And it's also very clear that the narrator has no interest in entertaining that desire. It seems like. However, I would like to know what is underneath this comical adventure and how the jaw-dropping discovery from the log line is relevant to this conflict. I'd love to know what Gau Jr's desires are and what he risks losing if he goes with what his mother wants. It just gets very or if he sticks to his guns and lives his life on his own terms. So that kind of tension is what agents like to see at the end of the plot paragraphs because it helps us understand the direction that the story is going and makes us want to read more. We do get a few more comps under the plot paragraphs. So that's it's kind of like. It's not repetition in content because it's their different comps,

8:11but it's like we get comps at the top and then we get the plot paragraphs and then we get more comps. And so my thought is that we don't need this many comps for a novel. I would take the top two or maybe three that was the most relevant or that highlight the most prominent elements of your novel and use them and then also keep them together with the other comps at the top. And that way you also have a bit more room to add a few more details about stakes. And the only problem is these are all excellent comps and I feel like I have a really good sense of the vibe of the story. So I believe it up to the author to decide what to do about that. The bioparograph also very impressive mentioning that this manuscript was a finalist for a prestigious award that was judged by Cheryl straight is excellent. Overall, yeah, I really enjoyed this career letter on its own despite some missing details. Okay, I have a question right off the top and it's about the genre.

9:12You know, this is not going to surprise you, Kathleen, that this is what I'm leading with. So as you mentioned, fan does not indicate the genre of the story in his career letter. Would this be a deal breaker for an agent like what an agent. Generally speaking, keep reading the career letter or would this, would they just stop? What are your thoughts? My guess is again, I can't speak for anybody else except for myself, but my guess is that we would just keep, I guess maybe skimming to see if there's anything else that peaks are interest. Because maybe it was just an oversight and they forgot to put it in. Maybe they generally are sorry. Genuinely don't know what category this would fall in and that's just a discussion that needs to be had and you know talking about positioning.

10:13But maybe there's nothing else in the query letter that would peak my interest. So I would say it's probably not a deal breaker and if there's no genre there, they'd be like, no, on to the next one. I would say probably we would be looking for something else that makes us want to continue reading. But saying that, yeah, like definitely put the genre in there, right? Because that's like I said, that's the first thing that makes me think, okay, maybe this is a match for me. And also, I think it shows a knowledge and awareness of the market. Like you know that if someone walks into the bookstore, whether it's a bricks and mortar building or walks into an online bookstore, they know what shelf the book would go on. Okay, all right, I have some thoughts about the plot paragraphs to share with you, fan. To me, honestly, the plot paragraphs, they're reading more like a book review.

11:16So your plot paragraphs are not a book review. They're not a trailer voiceover. They're not even a back cover blurb, although they're pretty close to a back cover. So we don't have the genre here, nor do we have a clear idea of who the protagonist is. Now, I'm assuming that it's Mrs. Gow, because she's the character who dominates this part of the query letter. And she is always mentioned first. She has a clear act of object of desire, which is to get her son married off. By contrast, Mr. Gow and Gow Jr. seem to be fairly passive characters, or at least that's how they're presented in the query letter. However, I don't know what's at stake for Mrs. Gow, or for the family if she fails to find a wife for her son. So why is this important to her? Now, you've included a reference to Mrs. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. But the stakes in Jane Austen's novel are not only very clear, but they're also huge.

12:17Like if Mrs. Bennett doesn't get those five girls married off and married well, when Mr. Bennett dies, they're all out on the street. That's a big deal. And so Elizabeth turning down Mr. Darcy, who's got like money coming out of his ears, that is such a huge thing in those days that it really would have been compelling. And then she's got an offer from Mr. Collins, who's been an idiot, but he also would provide for Elizabeth, right, which is why Charlotte accepts him. Because that was the girl's job to get a husband, get married. Otherwise, she's got otherwise, she's at the mercy of wealthy relatives to give her money, because she can't really earn any earn any on her own. So you're evoking Pride and Prejudice, one of the most powerful stories ever written, which really gets overlooked as a silly rom-com these days, but it is anything but I think it's as close to a perfect book as we have a perfect love story, but also social commentary and all kinds of great stuff.

13:37Alright, so fan, just based on what I'm reading from the query letter, this could be a rom-com. However, the lovers aren't the main characters, right, Fang Gao, Jr. and his betrothed. It could also be a family road trip story like Little Miss Sunshine, but I don't know. I'm also not sure how the disasters on the Grand Tour relate to the pre-arranged marriage plot. So having read the query letter, I'm kind of struggling to visualize the story. So I would recommend that in the plot paragraphs, you'd be really clear about what the plot is. What is the plot? The spinal scenes, like the plot is also called the story spine or the through line. What is the main plot of your story? That's what you want to convey in a couple paragraphs in your query letter. Now your line writing skills are excellent. I have no quibbles with that at all. And your writing style inspires a lot of confidence, right? So you got a lot of really good stuff to work with here.

14:41I'm just going to start with the short. I'm just not sure what the story is about. And that's the point of the plot paragraphs. So as I open the sample pages, I'm not entirely sure what to expect. As if I were to read the whole manuscript, I don't know what's coming. And that's not where you need your reader to be having read the query letter. I don't think. Okay. Anything else to say on that, Kathleen, or should I just dive in with the 10 pages? Yeah, I'm ready to dive in. All right, well, I'll get started. Okay, so from the query letter, like I said, I assume that Mrs. Gow is the protagonist. So when I get to the opening paragraph, I'm confused right away. Sentence 2 begins with the word mine. Now I'm assuming this is Mrs. Gow. But then it ends with, quote, when I discovered my mother in bed with a man who was not my father.

15:46So I'm guessing that the protagonist is Gow Jr. Or maybe Gow Jr. is the narrator and Mrs. Gow is still the protagonist? Or maybe this book has more than one point of view. I don't know. I have questions, but they're from confusion, not curiosity. So sentence 3 says, quote, all of the signs of an affair were there. Okay. So we've got, right away in the opening sentences, we've got two references to the mother having an affair. The word affair is used and the mother is in bed with a man who's not my father. So this leads me to Rick Steves and the whole chapter, like you have chosen to start your book with a chapter one entitled The Rick Steves Affair.

16:46So that's actually three references to an affair. Now I'm going to be really honest cards on the table. I did not know that Rick Steves was a real person. I only found that out thanks to the algorithm which somehow picked it up in my work as I was preparing for this episode. And then I suddenly started to get ads for Rick Steves, European tours. I cannot tell you how confused that made me. Now American readers might pick up on this reference immediately. And so it's a moot point. But I'm Canadian and I live in Canada. I have never lived in the US. And I had never heard of the man. So in the first four pages, I was so confused. Knowing that he's real actually made me more confused. So like I said, the book opens with actually three references to an affair and a reference to the protagonist seeing his mother in bed with another man. Page two has the protagonist walking in on quote a partially dressed female figure sprawled languidly as if she were posing for a life drawing class.

17:55Her eyes firmly fixed upon the lover clutched between her hands. Now I did kind of gaffer there because I thought what part of the lover is clutched firmly between her hands. No, the mind wanders. Anyway. Page four has the protagonist say quote, you need to stop this affair right now before it's too late. You're literally sleeping with the man. Is that him under the covers? So for four pages, I am thinking that Mrs. Gow is literally having an affair with a man named Rick Steves. The protagonist even uses the word literally right? You're literally sleeping with the man. I cannot tell you Kathleen how many times I read this to figure out that all that was happening here was that Mrs. Gow is reading a travel book. And again, I'm willing to say that this is just me and that everybody else would get this right away. But for me, I thought there was actually an affair happening.

18:56And so maybe that's supposed to be the punchline of the joke. I'm not sure it landed. I'm sorry. And maybe it's because, you know, I'm Canadian and I just didn't get it. This for Americans, this might be super funny. But I mean, if art is subjective, then comedy is uber subjective. You know, like British humor is not for everybody either, but I find it real funny. But you know, that's my heritage. That's my culture. Very British humor. So anyway, let's assume for the sake of argument that's what's happening here is a cultural mismatch. I'm Canadian, so I'm not getting the American joke. All right, this is bringing me to a really interesting question, Kathleen. And this is outside the scope of what we're doing right now. But I think it's a good question. And I think it would be useful for our listeners if we just paused for a second and had a quick conversation about this. One agent's go out on submission.

19:58Do they consider which editors and or publishing houses would, you know, the way I describe it, would get the joke of the book? Would understand what the writer is doing, right? In other words, do they look for a cultural match between an editor editor and a book? Do they look for people who would naturally understand certain references because they share them or they understand that community? And then I have a second part to that question and it's this. If a story is highly regionalized or something that only or maybe primarily a specific audience would understand, would that make selling foreign rights more difficult? I have no idea what the answers are and I hope I'm not putting you on the spot, but I have you here. So I'm totally asking questions. Excellent questions. I mean, when we go out on submission, we try to to to make the best match possible, right?

20:58So when authors are querying agents, you want to make that a good match and we do the same thing on the submission level with with editors. That doesn't mean that we know every single editor out there personally and intimately, like that we know that much, right? There's only so much that we can know we can we can try and get to know them and have a professional relationship where we kind of have an idea about what they what they're looking for or you know, like sometimes they get really detailed when we're talking to them or they send out their wishless. And they can get really detailed about things that they are looking for, like very, very specific or maybe like odd or unique things that you wouldn't really think about, but we would only know that because that's what they're sharing. So yeah, we do our best to to match a project with an editor that we feel for whatever reason would be an excellent match for it.

22:02But again, there's only so much we can do. In terms of part two, if it's highly regionalized or something only a specific audience would understand. It can. So when it comes to foreign rights, like if let's just like on a very, very basic level, if this is a very, you know, it takes place in Midwestern US and it's very regionalized, right? There's lots of nuances there that only not only, but the majority of readers would understand if they come from the Midwest or they've been there or you know what I mean. Someone from the UK probably wouldn't get those references and it wouldn't matter to them that this story takes place in like a small town place in the Midwest, right? Like it isn't necessarily for a foreign audience. So it might not sell, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't make a great book in the US, right? Or even Canada.

23:04So yeah, there's all kinds of things that we look at when it comes to foreign rights and nothing is ever for sure, right? Like there could be there could be someone who just is the right audience for it and they you would never even realize that or think of them and it happens sometimes. So yeah, we do the best that we can to to match. Yeah. Okay. I hope that answers your question. Anyway, all this is safe and by the time I get to the end of this particular section of your 10 pages. I had kind of settled on Mrs. Gow as being the main protagonist of the story and as Gow Jr. being the narrator of the story. So I think you're in tension. For the rest of the opening pages, my best recommendation for you is to make sure that the writing sample that you submit contains working scenes and these pages don't.

24:13It's basically exposition that isn't really adding anything to the narrative like Mrs. Gow is planning the trip and getting her son to buy museum tickets. All this kind of happening in the in the rest of the pages. It ends with that Gow Jr. waking up early to call to call Italy for the museum tickets. So I'm not curious about anything like what's that stake if they don't get the tickets. We talk about stakes a lot because it's really important. So there are story level stakes. Right and we've talked about this many times. Character main character wants something and there has to be something at stake if they don't get it. So that's the big global story. But then on a scene by scene level, there are also stakes. And there's and and the question about whether they're going to achieve their scene level goal. And what happens if they don't achieve their scene level goal, whatever their object of desire is, whatever the main character's object of desire is at the scene level.

25:16If they don't get it, what happens? That creates tension in your reader. Tension is a thing of beauty when we are talking about readers reading books. Tension in real life isn't so fun. We don't want it. We want smooth sailing. But when a reader feels tension, they get really curious about what's going to happen next and then they turn pages. So that means that there's going to be big stakes for the whole story. But then there's also going to be smaller stakes at the scene level for, you know, this main character going up against the smaller antagonist or the smaller challenge. And what's going to happen if it goes their way or doesn't go their way. So here you've ended your 10 pages with Gao Jr. simply waking up early to get museum tickets. But what's it stake if they don't get the tickets?

26:20Like to me, I'm as a reader, I feel nothing. I don't care if they get the tickets. I don't care if they do or don't get the tickets. So because I'm not curious and because I'm not emotionally invested in anything, I'm not compelled to keep reading. Now, I want to pause here for a second because it's tempting to think that working scenes and all the story theory stuff that we talk about here at Story Nerd, that it doesn't need to be in place for a comedy. The whole idea of stakes, right? Like, I want to go back to it again because we tend to think of it as something that applies only to horrors or thriller or or something like life and death, which are huge stakes. I mean, the only thing greater than life and death stakes are fate worse than death stakes where death would be a mercy. And there are some books like that like Gone Girl is one of those, right? Another reason why we read Gone Girl so much. But that's not the, what's a stake in every story.

27:24It's, it's just not. But this, but the stakes for the character can be no less, must be no less compelling for the reader. Every story in every genre, there has to be something at stake for the main character, something happens if they don't get what they want. So at the end of 10 pages, Pan, I'm still, I'm guessing at who the main character is and I've decided it's Mrs. Gal with junior as the narrator, but I don't know that for sure. And from these opening pages, I don't know what Mrs. Gal wants and I don't know what's at stake if she doesn't get it. She's making comments about getting a new husband in Europe. But that's not real. She's not genuinely looking for a new husband. We know from the queer leader that she's trying to marry her son off, but we don't get any sense of that in these opening pages. And again, if she doesn't marry him off, what's at stake?

28:26So these are, these are storytelling fundamentals and they have to be in place no matter what kind of story you're telling. Comedy is the hardest of all. So often I talk to writers, say, oh, I'm writing a comedy. And because they think it's easier, because they, I mean, I think as hard as it is for us writers, Kathleen, I think stand-up comedians have it even harder. Because I think people watch them do what it's called a tight 10 where they stand up for 10 minutes and make us laugh our heads off. And people think, oh, they're just standing there. It's 10 minutes work. I can do that. Well, that 10 minutes of work probably took 10 years to write and perfect so that the 10 minutes of delivery had us laughing. So I think the comedic arts are of the art forms is the hardest of all art forms. And for it to really shine in prose form, these story fundamentals have absolutely have to be in place.

29:28There's no wiggle room. I mean, that's what our story Trinity course is all about and why we started, why Melanie and I started with the story Trinity course, because it is the fundamentals. It's the foundation. Okay, I'm not a stop there. Kathleen, what do you have for the worst 10 pages? What are your thoughts? Yeah, so when I first started reading the first few pages and discovered that the mom is not in fact having an actual affair. Like, this is my biggest hang up. I'm stuck on it. I thought, okay, but the queer letter and opening line, which are basically identical. Like the log line and the opening line, they need the reader to believe that the mom is having an affair. And so that really peaked my interest. And so now I'm concerned that that log line and the opening line, although comical in context now is more for show and to capture the reader's attention, but it doesn't pay off.

30:31So you might, you probably will do the reader at that point, because when they find out that the whole reason they were intrigued in the story in the first place is not at all what they were thinking will be like, oh man, that's not what I was hoping for. We want to see the affair, right? So yeah, it's so far from what we think is going to happen. So, and that's not to say that that can't work. Like, nothing is impossible, right? There's lots of voice and humor in the pages. So there's, there's definitely, you definitely have some crucial elements here. And it's well written on the line level, but I'm worried that the lack of payoff is in the apply. Sorry, I'm worried that the lack of payoff in the implied affair will do more damage than good. So as I kept reading, I wondered if the opening should be rearranged. I think that could potentially help in that, in that area. So we read the line in the query letter, our interest is peaked.

31:40And I'm not sure that the same line, like identical, needs to be used in the opening of the novel, especially when there's no real paper off for it, right? So what I think could help is if the discovery happens after we've already connected with the characters and have become emotionally invested in them. That way you won't lose the reader's interest right away, because now they care. So there's, there's something already connecting them, right? And that might help soften the blow if we already love the characters. It's still kind of a tricky way to do things, but like there's, there's a clever element here, right? And I think that's what the author is trying to do is be clever about this whole alleged affair. And I don't think that's wrong. I just think that it could be approached in a different way. And so as I'm reading along, I was a bit confused about what was happening and when. So, and perhaps I misunderstood in the query letter, but I thought they were already on vacation when the alleged affair was discovered.

32:52But here we know the trip hasn't been booked yet. I think I think that's what's happening. So when I was at the point when the narrator catches his mother in the guest bedroom, and we think there's another man in there. And the affair will be exposed. I was a bit confused by how it was all being revealed, because in my head, he's catching her with another man in her bed. And the narrator walks in, sees the mom in bed, and it seems like she's there with a lover. It's that word is actually used. And so I was confused as to why there wasn't as much of a reaction is what I was expecting there to be in such a situation. And I thought, okay, maybe the man is hiding under the covers can't be seen. But of course, that was not the case. Yeah, confusion on top of what I'm going to refer to as tricking the reader can very easily cause the reader to put the book down. And that is definitely not what you want to do, right? Like overall, there's a good balance of narration and dialogue in these pages. There's a sense of desire. The son wants to go on a trip.

34:00I don't think that's a huge desire on a page level. The parents warmed up to it. And now mom is like gongho to go and telling him to call Italy and do all these things to make sure everything is going according to plan. Or trying to accept the plans in motion. And it seems like the idea of this family trip spurred her love affair with Rick Steve's informant of travel books. And I'm just going to pause right there for a second. I don't know that I would have known that either Valerie. But I recently, because of some other projects I'm working on, I know about Rick Steve's and it's fresh on my mind. So I knew what that was referring to. So I didn't have the same level of confusion there, but I'm still confused. So yeah, it's it is comical in that way, but I am concerned that it's not quite enough to keep breeders invested. It could be that the order of events need to change. It could be the disappointment that there's no actual affair, which is what hooked me first.

35:09The writing itself is good. Like I said, but the writing the lines and telling the story are two very different things. And we talked about that before. And you have to have both. In a recent episode, we did Lacey Olson's submission. We talked about how there can be something in the query or even the opening pages that subjectively captures an agent's attention. And the same sort of thing is happening here a little bit, but in the query, even though there's some things that need to be to be tweaked. I hope does not pay off. It will absolutely lead to a pass. And that's what I'm concerned about here. As I kept reading, I knew for sure that I had seen this before in my query inbox. But there's an element about it that has changed like a big element. And I'm not going to get into that here, but I'm just I'm not sure it's landing in the right way in the way that it needs to be. I am fairly confident that the main protagonist is Gau Junior, but like Valerie, you were saying, we don't know enough about the plot or the stakes or desires and things like that.

36:17We really don't know what the main plot is for him. And although the line level writing here is great, the opening pages aren't giving you enough information about what the story level stakes are or the story level conflict might be the plot in general. So I'm still wondering why the hook is the mother's alleged affair with Rick Steve's books, because I'm not feeling like that's what the big plot point is, right? I'm not feeling like that's the inciting incident, even though it implies that right in the query letter. Again, like if we don't know who the true protagonist is, how do we know which inciting incident, like, there's just there's a lot to be there's a lot to be intrigued by, but there is a lot of confusion as well. So yeah, I do still think that there is some room for improvement for sure.

37:17So I just want to pick up on a couple of things you said there. If junior is the main character, then his mother having an affair is at best a sub plot. Right. You can't lead with the sub plot like it feels a little bit like a bait and switch. Yes, yes. That's the trickery I was referring to. Yeah, yeah, like we're reading this because we want to hear about the affair affairs are very juicy. Story secrets of any kind work in a story so long as there is something at stake for the character should the secret be revealed. It's like something real at stake. Just like ticking clocks always work. It can be a literal ticking clock like on a bomb or a deadline for something. But these things always work, which is why affairs are so compelling. It's a big secret.

38:20And yeah, there's a lot of stakes should it come out. So, so anyone reading the query letter getting excited by, ooh, a juicy affair. I want to read about that is now looking for it and right and all of the air comes out of the story when it's a book. Yeah, there's that there's nothing there to let us know that this isn't a literal affair with some man named Rick steves. And if you know who Rick steves was, would you think it's actually Rick steves or just some other character named Rick steves? Because to me, the only Rick steves I knew was the guy who did the top 40 countdown after Casey Kassam. That's how old I am. Yeah, I you just hit on something there. The the air comes out of it. That's what I feel like when we learn that there is no actual affair. She's just reading a book and she loves the author.

39:21You know, that's like less like having your teenager class or plaster posters in the room without their favorite, you know, person that they love and I lies. But the air comes out of it and it happens so quickly within those first 10 pages that we don't have enough of a connection to the rest of the story or the characters themselves to let it slide. You know what I mean? Yeah, I page four by page four. We're out. Yeah, which is which is unfortunate. Because I think if it was pitched a different way with if Gau Jr. if Jr. is the protagonist, if the query letter was focused on his storyline. This might be great. Yeah, do you know what I mean? There might be a really wonderful match between the pitch and the actual story. But I think the I think the main challenge here is that there's a mismatch between the way the story is pitched and what the story actually is.

40:25All right. What's what's your final advice for fan? Yeah, you just hit on something that made me think about. I guess when you're thinking about how to pitch this and maybe even it can play into how you started. What is the main message that you want to leave your readers with? What is the main thread that goes through this whole story? Think about that that will help determine who the protagonist is and all of the other things that come into play. Right. The conflict, the stakes, what matters. So think about that. I would definitely advise you to look at the hook and decide if there's a different angle that you can use to approach the story with. So that there's no lack of payoff or if you if that is somehow crucial to the story, I would move that.

41:25Right. Let us get connected to the characters first so that it's not such a huge like. It's like a leading balloon. You know what I mean. And then yeah, just look at story structure to ensure that the events are being revealed in the most effective way so that there's no confusion. The tone for the vibe that's definitely there in the writing the voices there. But looking at tweaking the structure, I think will help take this may be script to the next level. My best advice fan is to focus on nailing the fundamentals of storytelling because if they're not there, the humor isn't going to work. Like jokes, no matter how strong they are, cannot carry a 350 page work of prose. Comedy and prose form is really tough and it's hard to sustain a full length novel. There's so many comedic stories in prose. That's why they tend to be on the shorter side.

42:28Like Richard Jones's diary, which is a classic. Again, great storytelling, great line writing. In fact, I think it is really underrated as a story. I think the craft, Helen Fielding's craft, I think is overlooked in Richard Jones's diary. But it's only about 75,000 words. It's not really long. So yeah, fan focus on the fundamentals and working scenes are a crucial part of the fundamentals. Alright, so that wraps it up for this week. Special thanks to FanGao for sharing their work and giving us all a chance to learn. If you want us to review your query letter and first 10 pages writing sample, go to storyner.ca for all the details about how to submit. To support the show, please leave us a rating and review and tell your writer friends about us. And if you're watching on YouTube, be sure to like and subscribe. If you need help writing the plot paragraphs for query letter, check out the book formula at learn.storinger.ca.

43:28And to find out more about my agent wish list or what services I offer as an editor, visit Kathleen Fox agent.com and Fox editorial.com. And you can subscribe to my newsletter that helps you navigate writing, querying and the publishing landscape. And you can check that out at literary cats keynotes on subs.com. And remember story theory does not have to be difficult. It is a tool to help you write more, not less. So take it one step at a time and have fun.