Caller: “I Still Can’t Leave My Abusive Wife”

0:00You called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean I think your ultimate question was, can you still save your marriage? And you're in a pretty volatile, volatile marriage and really find yourself out on an island doing everything all by yourself. How's the last month been since we've talked? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloni show. So grateful that you're with us. Talking about your marriages, your relationships, your kids, your mental and emotional health, the challenging things that you're facing in your life that we're all facing in our lives. So thanks for calling in for those who are brave and courageous and call in and thank you for those who pull up a seat or put on your headphones and listen alongside us as we figure out what's the next right step. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes.

1:04And all right, so this first call, I want to give you some context for our bring him on. I guess we should probably have a weekly segment, Kelly or a monthly segment. It's called, I was wrong or I completely missed this. And this is a particular call that has haunted me since I walked out of the studio. And so I think we recorded the original call about a month ago, a little bit over a month ago and wanted to bring Tyler from Los Angeles back on, checking with him, see how he's doing a month later and also apologize to your brother and kind of talk through some of the things that we talked about in our last call. So how are we doing, man? I'm okay. I'm okay. Dude, I'm running a scam called a podcast, man. So you called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean, I think your ultimate question was, can you still save your marriage and you're in a pretty volatile, volatile

2:07marriage and really find yourself out on an island doing everything all by yourself with not really any prospect for change. How's the last month been since we've talked? It's been a hit or miss. We have a lot of good moments and some negative ones and we wrapped up a couple of therapy and that was kind of hard just because some of the things she said. But then I keep going back and forth. This is salvageable. Can we fix this? Can we make it? And then times where I'm like, this isn't going to work out and I'm just indecisive, I feel like. Yeah. What are some things she said to you as you wrapped up marriage therapy that were hard to hear? So the counselor had asked her, she said, hey, what is it about him that makes it so you can't do these things because I'm getting the sense that he's a good guy to you.

3:07You haven't brought anything that's an issue. So why can't you do what he's asking for, which is to be more vulnerable, to be intimate, to have a partnership. And she just said that she can't do it. She just has a lot of anxiety and depression and she's afraid to fail. And so then the therapist said that don't you think he deserves those things? And she said he does. But I can't be the woman that he deserves. And that was really hard to hear. And then we talked about it later on and she said that in the heat of the moment, she said it. And I just, I don't know how to take that because sometimes I get the heat of the moment kind of thing, but it's also just difficult to hear stuff like that. And a lot of her actions show that but then other actions show differently, but they're not the actions I'm asking for and stuff like that. So since we talked last, there was one giant just blinking red light that I missed.

4:10And it came up at the end of our call. And so we'll talk about that here in a second. And I want to first apologize to you and then kind of walk through what I always sit down with folks and recommend after something like that. The second thing is I don't talk about this first is, man, when we were talking something I didn't even think about in the moment of our conversation was this extraordinary book and I want you to recommend that you read it. And it's by a good friend of mine, Henry Cloud, Dr. Henry Cloud, he's a legend in the field. He's somebody I've looked up to for a long, long time, long before I had a podcast of any kind. But the book is called Necessary Endings. And it really walks you through step by step how to know when a workplace situation, when a boundary situation, when a romantic relationship, how do you know when it is over?

5:11And most importantly, what do you do next? And the reason I think it's a masterpiece is it's very, very clear. It's a book that I, like when I was teaching graduate courses, I would recommend to all of my students because it's helpful on how do you know when to let an employee go or to keep trying with an employee. But I think for you, it really applies here and I'll just still down a chunk of what the book says into a pretty simple heuristic, if you will. And that is when there's a difference between a hope and a wish. And hope is there's demonstrable evidence in real life. There's a, a demonstrable, like there's a plan in place and there is movement towards something being different. Absent that. Then what we're doing is we're wishing.

6:14And so when you lose hope that tomorrow can and will be different. Whether by your hand or whether by an, an marriage, your, your wife's plan or your, your husband's hand. If you lose the ability to objectively look and see, there's any sort of change happening here. And it's not scatter shot change, right? Like you talked about, it's not chaotic change. One day's, it's ups and it's down. In your situation, things I would look for is, is my wife actively seeking treatment for anxiety and depression? Is she seeking treatment for anxiety and depression in a way that not only talks about the thing she's experiencing, but she's actively putting in the work to experience the world in a, in a more healthy way. And I actually, like what she said in that session, as somebody who's tangled up with

7:19anxiety and depression and she's struggling like when she's at war with her own body, I can imagine that version of her saying, I can't be these things. But my hope would be, the next statement would be, but I'm going to do the work I need to do. It'd be like me saying, someone says, hey, can you run this marathon? And I've got a broken leg. And I say, no, I can't. And this state, I can't do this. But I'm going to go to physical therapy. I'm going to go to rehab. I'm going to get the surgeries that I need. And I'm going to put the work in. So two years from now, one year from now, we're running that marathon together. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, and it's up. And so, but I want to strongly recommend you read that book and it's a book that's helped me professionally. It's helped me personally, but it is a very clear idea. But there is a profound difference. And I think for anybody listening to this, if you're wondering about a relationship, you're wondering about whether to, like, finally say, I'm not doing holidays with you guys anymore, with extended family, or dealing with an aging kid or an aging parent, ask

8:23yourself that question, is there any demonstrable evidence that tomorrow is going to be different than today? Or if I look at all the evidence in front of me, and sometimes it takes a friend or a counselor to sit there and look at the evidence with you, right? Our emotions get so big. Is there any chance that this changes? And if it's not, if there's no chance it changes, then we have to sit in that reality, in that reality. It's heartbreaking. It's full of grief. And from there, we begin to ask ourselves, okay, what's my next right move here? And so I want you to check that out, okay? And it's 100% my fault for not thinking that, like, I wish I had thought of that last time we talked, would have saved you a month of your life. And that's what you call, and I missed that one. But here's the big thing I missed. While we were talking, and I mean, we were talking about all sorts of situations at your home, where you've really been left out on an island emotionally, practically speaking from, like, you're running a one-man partnership right now, right?

9:26And the thing I absolutely blew by that I let you down on was, when you mentioned, is that towards the end of the call, I believe, that she's been violent with you multiple times throughout your marriage. Tell me about that. So it kind of started when we first got an apartment. It was not often, and that's not me minimizing it. It was a few times here and there, over the four years we lived in an apartment. And then once we moved into a house, it happened a couple more times, and about two and a half years ago, we were arguing, and she walked off. And so I was trying to talk to her about what was going on, and she got overwhelmed, because like I understand why she did it, but she got overwhelmed. She's spitting my face. And that was two and a half years ago. So I told her on that day, I was like, if you ever spit in my face, if you ever hit me again, I'm going to walk away.

10:28So even a lot of the times when she took me, I'm sick too. I work out a lot. She can't physically hurt me. There was more of the emotional side of it, but she could do something like that. And so for the most part, I would say it's only happened less than 15 times, but probably closer to 10, because I wouldn't say she's a violent person per se. It's just she gets overwhelmed with her emotions, and she blacked out and does things. And so I told her that, and so then when I'd given her the wrong time for the party, because I told her it was at 12, I thought that, and I looked it up at 12.30. And so when I told her about it, she got upset. And I was trying to set a boundary of like, hey, if you're going to be rude, I'm not going to go. And she got upset about that. And then, you know, I did agree with you, I was a little childish with the whole, this is my car. It's more of a culture thing of like, this is my car, even though it's our car.

11:30But I didn't want her to save my car, so that I still had a car and she had her own. She came around, sat on top of me, and then she elbowed me. And my son was in the backseat in the passenger side, so he saw everything. And it's not that she hurt me. It's just again, the emotional, the respect kind of thing where it's like she could do that. And the thing that I keep going back to is that she did this when like we're supposed to be trying to rebuild our marriage because I told her I was done a couple of months prior. So I was having a hard time with it because I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to be, you know, hit or spit on. And so here we are two months later, and I'm still trying to figure out if this will work. But now on top of that, when my son was born, I told myself he would never see that. And then it happened. And then so that's been going on. And then it kind of resurfaced again, just like a week and a half ago, you know, I was

12:32kind of trying to let it go down, let it die down. And we got into a disagreement and she stormed off and I went to go say, like, hey, can we reset? Can I try again? Because that was a little rude with how I asked her question. And she like stormed out of the bedroom and she pushed me out of the way. My son didn't see that, but it was just kind of a reminder of like, oh, she did this two months ago. And so I understand why she's doing it. She's just on edge. She's her anxiety is at a all-time high because, you know, I asked her for a divorce. So I get that. And it's just I made personal boundaries that I said I wasn't going to break. And so here I am struggling to look myself in the eye and look at my son because I'm supposed to teach him how to be a man and follow through with what you say. And so I don't know how to navigate that because I, I, I, I didn't know that I love my wife and I wanted it to work. But her actions and what she says don't necessarily align. Not necessarily. They don't at all.

13:32But let me say this out loud. And again, I'll apologize one more time. I miss this. I blew it. Okay. Um, violence is never okay. And if that, if it had been reversed, I would have come out of my chair appropriately. So, right? If your wife had been calling me saying that, Hey, my husband just elbowed me in the face in the car because I told him to get out. Right? And in, and here's the thing. Like it doesn't make it right just because the gender roles were reversed here. And in fact, your, you've, you've sound like you've trapped yourself in a gender stereotype, which is I'm big and strong. So this doesn't hurt. A, it does. It's, it does. Right? Like if, if she shoves you, maybe that doesn't hurt. But, um, there is pain involved. Any, if my daughter who's 10 elbowed me in the nose, it still hurts. Right? And I, I, I like to believe I'm a tough guy.

14:35Right? But it still hurts. But beyond that, what I'm looking for from the outside in is an adult who is completely emotionally dysregulated. And the unfortunate world I've grown up in or a professional world, not the world I grew up in at home, but my professional life has been sometimes there's a trend line to these things where it starts with a shove and then it starts with a punch on the arm and then it's an elbow to the face. And then it ends up real, real bad. Right? Because the next punch is with a knife. The next, the next altercation is with something that is not a, something you just brush off. And so whether you want, what, what I want to ask you to do is a step outside of this BS masculine thing that you and I were both taught, both of us were taught this thing.

15:36Right? Um, and like back up all the way because if she'll hit you, she'll hit your kid. If she'll hit you, um, she'll hit other people. If she's that emotionally dysregulated that she blacks out just when her husband says something in the wrong tone and then asks, hey, can I reset? Then she needs some serious, um, not emotional, but she needs some mental health support that you don't have the training or the psychopharmacology. You don't have the experience to help her with, but you do have a responsibility to keep yourself safe and to keep your son safe. And so abuse is, physical abuse is never okay, regardless of gender, regardless of which direction it's going. And I should have, I should have stopped the presses on that when we last talked. And so like, like you have this sense of, I'm letting myself down, um, which is a common

16:38thing that again, most of the time I talk to women who are being abused by men, but there's this common sense that, oh, I get it. It makes sense. My fault or I understand, let me say this, there is no understanding to an adult hitting another adult, especially in a romantic relationship ever. Okay. I'll show. If a, if a man attacks your wife in a Walmart parking lot, yes. Right? Game on. But it's not okay. It's never okay. And I would hope that you hear me and say, I don't want you walking around your house thinking you're crazy. Yeah, you're saying that. You're with an emotionally unregulated adult. And I don't care how small she is compared to you in physical stature. That's a scary thing to be around. It is. And then when I try to bring it up, she, she shuts down because it's hard for her to

17:40hear. And here's the thing that at this point, going back to like circling all the way back like to what Dr. Cloud says. I don't see. And this is a rare thing for me to say out loud on the show like this. Okay. I don't see any hope for change. Because you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you, if you come up with a plan from moving forward, then her response is that plans to overwhelm me. And it might get so overwhelming that I'm going to be violent in front of our child. If you don't come up with a plan, then you're left sitting there hoping for scraps of human decency and kindness and respect and loveability. Whenever you can get it, little sips of oxygen. And that's what you've been living on relationally for the last several years, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so I think if I'm you and I and you and I were sitting here, I would paint us a

18:43picture where we're going to back all the way up and look at this. Like how can we get 30,000 feet up in the air and look down on this situation? The same conversation. We know how that ends. So we're going to stop doing that. The threats. We're going to stop doing that because we've tried that too. Now the next step is I'm going to take responsibility for my safety, for my son's safety and do whatever the next right step is. And that might mean moving out for 30 days. That might mean she's got to find me a apartment until she can get well. And by the way, I've seen these relationships get restored, but it takes a long time. It takes, we're going to go on a date once every two weeks. And you're going to let me know that you're in therapy and you're going to let me know not only that you're in therapy, but what are practices that you're learning so that you can become a more emotionally mature, emotionally regulated adult. So that when things get big and by the way, things will always get big in all of our lives.

19:49Our job as adults is to do the work we got to do based on our childhood traumas based on our adult traumas so that we can stay emotionally regulated, especially around those that we love. Yeah. Right. So man, I missed it and I think I've cost you a month of your life. So I'm sorry. I appreciate you. I appreciate you coming back on and talking through with me. Every time you want to come on, we'll get you through and get you on the show. I'm grateful for you, man. Look forward to hearing what joys and successes are in your store for you down the road. There's a light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just got to start walking, man. We come back. A man asks if he should take his wife's last name, despite the stigma, we'll be right back. I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life and life is full of challenges and hardships.

20:50And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time and we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life. So why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis so I can feel better in my own skin. And this is why I'm a huge fan of joy and bloke. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms and joy and bloke is most excellent. I strongly encourage you to check them out. They start you with a very comprehensive blood test that will give you real data about what's going on in your body, why you're feeling how you're feeling, but it doesn't stop there. Joy and bloke pairs you with a clinician who reviews your results, helps you create a personalized plan. This is key. They walk alongside you while you take action, whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes or a supplement tweak or a much more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed

21:53and managed through joy and bloke's. Joy and bloke's is for men and women who want to take ownership of their health and live the best life possible. Go to joyandblocks.com, slash Deloney and get 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J-O-I-N-B-L-O-K-E-S. Joy and bloke's.com slash Deloney. Alright everyone, summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax because now we're back to real life. Full, overwhelming calendars, kids, school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is. Cozy Earth. Their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that. They're breathable. They're so good at regulating your temperature. No more kicking off the covers at 2 a.m. and Cozy Earth Tows make you feel like you're at

22:56the spa, except it's just an ordinary Tuesday. It's at your house. My house has Cozy Earth everywhere. They offer a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10 year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are going to be completely blown away and you're not going to return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney, use code Deloney. And don't forget to take their post purchase survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, let's go to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to Nate. What's up, Nate? Hey, Dr. Don, how's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you, man? I'm doing good. How's your day so far? Man, I am living like a glitch in the matrix, dude.

23:56I'm doing pretty dang good. How about you, man? I love it. I love it. Another day in paradise, as they say. In Jackson, Mississippi. I love it. Love it. So what's up, homie? Yeah, so my question for you is, how do I balance wanting one family name with the discomfort of changing my last name that's tied to my family and career? Tell me more. I feel like there's a story here. Yeah, just a little bit. I tiny bit. Essentially, when me and my wife, before we got married, she said that she wanted to keep her last name. And I completely respected that. I was totally respectful. I think it would be different if she told me afterwards, after we were married, but she brought it up before, which was absolutely great, and her communications went on point. Since we want kids in the future having one family name, and that sense of unity is really, really important to me. So I've considered taking her last name instead. But what I'm struggling with is to stick my around

24:59to husband taking, basically, his wife's name, along with the fact that my last name is tied to my identity, my personality, my career, my professional life. So changing it would personally, and professionally make me a little uncomfortable. I'm trying to figure out how to balance my identity and those feelings with my desire for our future family to share one name. You got it. Man, there's several different things popping in my mind here. Can I ask you a couple of real personal questions that you can just avoid if you don't want to answer them. It's all good. But it will help me have a track here, because there's actually some research on this. Okay. And by the way, it's uncomfortable research to say out loud, because everyone will gasp and then all get a bunch of mean comments, but I don't care. So is there something wrong with your wrong? That sounds maybe sound like an ass. If my last name was Butt Hammer, and my wife was like,

25:59okay, I'd rather keep my name. And so is there something with your last name that she's like, I want to keep my name, or is this like a feminist principle? And I don't mean feminist in the negative, like in some sort of, not like that. But like, is it a, I like, I want to double down on my family's heritage, and this is a line in the sand I'm drawing. I would feel, I feel like it would have to lean more towards the first one. Oh, no kidding. I was kind of just throwing that out there. Because, you're not seeing Butt Hammer, is it? No, no, no, no. Okay. Even though it might be a cool last name for somebody. That would be incredible if someone's last name was Butt Hammer. No, but for me, my last name kind of, it's not the best sounding last name. Of course, it means blocked me, because it's my last name. Oh, what does that mean? Is it like a, like ethnically or culturally, or it rhymes, and again, don't, Yeah, it would rhyme with something

27:01that isn't appealing to most people, especially when they're talking about a, a, a, a last name. Okay, let me ask you this. And this is a guy whose name rhymes with a not great lunch meat. Was your childhood pretty rough? I got a lot of, I got a lot of nicknames. I got a lot of nicknames. And a lot of, a lot of people, you know, rhyming it with things. And also, there's, there's also, you know, characters in, in, in novels that are, kind of, that sound like my last name. So it's also, you know, it also has some, you know, there's, there's that addition to it also. So it's not the most appealing last name. So that, that would give you a little bit more context. Yes, that, that, in a million years,

28:01I didn't expect to go down this road, but that's, this is awesome. So, so we're taking it. So when you all sat down, the conversation that she's had with you is, I, I don't want to live the rest of my life with people making fun of my last name, rhyming it with things. I don't want our kids having that experience. So I'd rather keep my last name. Yeah, for the most part, also, you know, kind of like we were saying earlier, you know, her last name is very important to her, of course, and also with her heritage. So she, she really, really loves her last name. You know, it's got like, her name's got like a nice flow to it. My, my, mine does not have the best flow to it. So she really, really enjoys that. Do you not hear it? I love it right in the right this second. Everyone listening is dying to know. And I'm not going to ask you to tell them. But we're not going to tell them. I, I wish, I, I wish I could have had really cute. No, I'm glad that we're not, because I want people just to guess.

29:01Yeah. And maybe we'll, in the show, Kelly and I will guess, we'll just make up names that we guess. That would be super fun. I love it. Okay, so I'm going to ask you a real hard question, okay? Yep. Um. Is there a part of you that would like to be done with the fun making and the jokes? And like, there's, there's a part of you that's like, dude, this would be an, an easy path for me. Yes. Okay. Absolutely. I would, I wouldn't be 100% honest with you if I, if I didn't say absolutely 100% yet. Okay. And then there's part of you, obviously, that's hung up on, this was my great-grandfather's name. So my granddad's name is my dad's name. And who am I to? Exit out of our family name, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, that's a tough one, man. That's real tough, because I totally get that. Yeah. Yeah. And I would be lying if I didn't say, oh, you know, I don't care what people say. Of course you do. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, that would not be fair in honest to me to say, so I can't say that.

30:01But at the same time, I'm like, if I want, if I want to take her less than, you know, I'll definitely, I'll definitely, I'll do whatever I want. But then it's going to, it's going to make me think, and it's going to make me think of what others are thinking. Yeah. So it's a kind of, it's a wild one. I've tried to do research on myself, and there's not much out there. So I would love your take on it. Well, there is from a, more from absent the situation. I don't know of any research on this particular situation. I know, I'm not going to say that, I don't know any research on this particular situation. I know of literature, actually somebody sent me a study just a month or two ago, about, there is long-term relationship prospects when somebody demands, when somebody won't take each other's name. Mm. Okay. And it's gender specific, right? So when a, when a heterosexual couple,

31:01when a man is marrying a woman, and she won't take his last name, there is, like, if you, I can't say it's causal, one doesn't cause the other. But there is a sense out of the gate. There's a sense out of the gate. We're not coming together on a thing. I'm not me and you're you. Gotcha. Right. And so, that does exist. I don't know any research that talks about what your experiencing right now. Other than, here's what I would, here's the thoughts coming to my mind, okay? Okay. Number one, you've lived a life of carrying a name that you were given. Mm-hmm. And because of how it rhymes with other things, and because people in fiction stories named characters somewhat similar to it, I guess. Like, yeah. You've, you've carried, and I hate to say this, you've carried the blessing of that last name, and you've carried the burden of that last name. By no choice of your own.

32:01Yeah, correct. So, if you choose to discard that name and take your wife's name, moving forward, then you get to take whatever comes your way, via a decision you made. You get to take ownership of this. Okay. Which is a new principle for you. Yep. Right? And I only have my wife's experience to flip-flop it, right? But she was, like, just watching her go through the, like, she was a writer, like, like, an academic writer and so her publications that ones that had her maiden name on it, versus my, like, when she took my last name on it, driver's license, like, it's a pain in the butt, man, professionally. So, you've been in the butt. Absolutely. Right? Absolutely. I get licenses and certifications and... Yeah. And I'll say, it's a huge pain in the butt,

33:01and it's some emails, and probably, you know, a driver's license. It's, it's, say, it's logistics. Yeah. So, it's a pain in the butt, not, like, I gotta go get tattoo removed, but it's a pain in the butt, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll have to send a bunch of paperwork and you'll have to get on the phone and call people and you'll have to, like, I thought your name was, you changed your name, like, you'd have to deal with all that, right? Absolutely. And if you're a big deal at work, it will be like, oh, so you don't want to be whatever time. Like, yes, you're attractive. And that's exactly what my, my, my brain goes to. That's exactly what it, it, it goes to. And so, my, my next thought is, is there a way to have your cake and eat it too, which is, um, I'm thinking of somebody right now that I've walked alongside who got divorced, but has a very established professional career. And she did not change her, what I would say her professional name. Gotcha.

34:02But her, but her driver's license is different. Um, her, um, in fact, well, actually, she may have kept her driver's license, actually. Okay. Um, that's, that's still the same. Um, yeah. But so there's ways to go about shifting and changing that kind of stuff. Yeah. And, and we were also talking about, you know, possibly hyphenating, but I have a long left name. And she also has a long left name. So it just, oh, dude, please. Like filling out forms. No, listen, they will hit that. Just for me, do it. Just for me. It would be like 30 characters. It's like, okay, this is, this, I can't wait, can't be doing this. Um, like, no, dude, if you, no, listen, man, this is so awesome. If you go to like the, the passport office and you're like, hi, my name is Nate, uh, Nate, Shumelamadindong, hyphen, who let the dogs out. That would be so great. That would be fantastic. But we were fantastic. Just for a random guy like me standing behind you in line, you'll make my day.

35:03Like, that's awesome. Absolutely. My name is with lunch meat. That guy, he's got. Right. Now, I mean, I don't know, here's the thing. I don't know that there is a comfortable way through this. Yes. Actually, I wanted to get your thoughts on, on something. So I thought about it. It's, it's been in my head. My wife and me have been married for almost two years now. Oh, so you already did it. So you're, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So did you take her name? No, no, no, no. I haven't done anything yet. So it's still, we're still like name wise. We're still individuals. Of course, we signed a, you know, marriage certificate and all that good stuff. Okay. Um, but we've been married for almost two years. We just haven't had kids yet. So in the future, we're looking to have kids. We want that family unity. We, we, we strive for that. And we think it's very important. Um, one idea that I did think of, that I told my wife and she's actually pretty open to,

36:04is, is for her middle name and for my middle name, we would use my last name. And then for our last name, we would take her last name. The big thing here is this. Is. That the big thing here is this is. That when I don't want to have happened, and if you all have avoided this, this is me taking the call dark for a second. Okay. If you all have avoided this. But I don't want to have happen. Is that at some point, somebody draws in either or line. Hmm. Right. Like she finds out her pregnant and and you sit down with your dad and say, dad, this name has haunted me. I've been made fun of. I got beat up for it. I've whatever and I recognize your name, but this is an opportunity that I can change this for my son I'm going to and your father sits down and gives you a history lesson on this name and here's the like The legacy of this name and you come away from that and I'm making something totally up right now, right? Yeah, but you come away from that conversation and you're like I am so proud to wear that name

37:06Yeah, right. Yeah, and I'm proud forget the what it rhymes with. I'm proud to be one of them Yeah, and then your wife says, well, you can go to hell because my my kid's not gonna be named that Yeah, now y'all've got a real big issue that all of y'all kind of just danced around because you could Yes, absolutely and so do you believe in your guts? And I'm doing something that I would never recommend somebody do but okay if you just if you said I'm holding the line If we're to have a child it will have my like he or she will have my last name Would your wife say I'm out then No, no, absolutely not no, oh, yeah, we are very communication wise. We are always Mostly we're on the same page and of course we have disagreements who doesn't but Most of the time a man we have a we have a great marriage and I'm blessed I'm totally lost our communications on point

38:08And we make compromises because we feel each other and we compromise smartly and and and we compromise To the best of our abilities and and usually we're always on the same page so that that's something my heart A hard side. I would know that she she would not she would not do I'm gonna say it this way because it sounds like you are doing it perfectly, which is I love Marital compromise towards something not away from something I don't like compromise in avoidance of love compromise towards We want what's best for us which sometimes means I'm not gonna get the dinner I want but you know what I get I get a wife who's super gonna feel great tonight and a wife who's gonna have ton of joy I win more than any stupid meal right or Compromise on the TV show and watch something really scary and crazy and she wants to watch a hallmark move We're gonna compromise something more towards the hallmark movie, right? Or you know what? Let's just watch TV But like you're we're compromising towards a thing that furthers our relationship not that one of us gets buried in one of us wins, right?

39:15Absolutely. Yep So I don't have to not I thank you for letting me talk in circles. I don't have a great answer for you Other than I want you if you choose to not take your last name. I think Again, take my opinion for what it is and let me just say I'm a For generation Texan and I'm Tennessee in which is If you read history as Texas granddad if I'm gonna make something that's that big of a move I feel like I would oh it to sit down my father and have that hard conversation that way Okay, it wouldn't be something that I would feel right about just kind of trying to skirt under the table Yeah, and if my grandfather was still alive I'd probably feel that however brutal that conversation would be I feel like I need to sit down and and look him in the eye and say I'm about to make a grown-ass man decision and I'm not doing it as a sign of disrespect to you. I'm doing it as a making a personal choice

40:20Yeah for something different Yeah, I see what you're saying You know, unfortunately, I don't have any grandparents that are that are still alive and unfortunate about five years ago my father passed away. I'm so sorry. So my my last name You're it, you know, that's where it gets jumbled up, you know, that's where it gets there It adds more to you know layers to it. Yeah, I guess at the end of the day The when you started this call it the way you framed it was my wife really wants to keep her last name I would love for you to wrap your head around ownership of what happens with your name Mm-hmm, okay, and so I'm not gonna sacrifice it in the name of peace just so somebody didn't get their feelings or whatever I Carried this thing my dad got made fun of my mom and sisters got made fun of I got made fun of yeah I'm gonna end this with my son Yeah, and yeah rightly or wrongly whatever but I'm gonna make this choice and

41:21Thank goodness. I've got an awesome wife and her last name's rad and we're gonna take that one and run run with it Thank you so much for the call brother of preach H and man you and your wife you all keep Working together compromising towards Making the best marriage possible. It's awesome and best of luck to you dude with whatever you do This show is sponsored by better health. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time You show up to work you pay the bills you smile at the right times But then no one sees you snap at your spouse Then I'll see you sitting awake at 2 a.m. Running through everything you wish you done differently that day Listen just because your functioning doesn't mean you're okay Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges That's where better health comes in better help will match you with one of their 30,000 license therapists Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying they can help you get perspective and see the other side of your

42:24situations and Help you with a plan for moving forward Better help therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit You can switch for no extra cost Listen asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness It's wisdom and strength if you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together Trust a better help therapist to help you carry the load go to better help dot com slash Deloney for 10% off That's better help H.E. LP dot com slash Deloney All right, let's go to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Lynn. Hey Lynn what's going on? Hey, John. How is it going? I'm doing ridiculous having a great time. How are you? I'm good. I'm kind of star-star talking to you over the phone lines But I'm really excited. Oh, if we were hanging out in person you would not be star-struck. I'm pretty lame So I'm glad I do appreciate you calling. What's up? Yeah, so My question was Should I be upset about my husband's porn news after

43:29Recently finding nude photos of women on his phone I was kind of curious if this is like a normal behavior or if this is I don't know if I should relax And I don't know. I don't know it's normal So my big question for you is this What is it about your Inate gut feeling that something discussed you or makes you uncomfortable is your Your immediate first response is I'm probably just overreacting Yeah, I feel like he doesn't tell me everything in life. You think? I know I mean in this aspect yes, but but if you have a story that you're telling yourself that that You can't handle if he told you everything or you're not worth him telling you everything or

44:29Everybody's got secrets and I'll just need to keep my mouth shut Yeah, if that's the story that you were peeing your mind over and over I think that is I think I'd rather not know than know. Okay. What is it about knowing? What is it about knowing that? Because you're gonna have to deal with that reality Yeah Definitely so let me tell you this your body is dealing with that reality on a daily basis Yeah, your body's anxious Your stomach always hurts Your back's always tense you're dealing with it. You have headaches. You're dealing with it Yes, exactly and the challenge your body's trying to get your attention and you keep blaming yourself for it Yeah, and so let me say I don't know. Yeah, go ahead. Let me say this as bold as I can't you are loud To be upset about what ever in the world you want to be upset about And And let me ask you this I want to delineate

45:33rightly or wrongly there's a difference for me of Running to grab something on your husband's laptop and he didn't clear a search history and you stumble on a pornography site that he was on And then hat him having pictures of women on his phone Especially if they're women that he knows or women from Facebook marketplace or you know you get what I'm saying Yeah, so tell me about that So We have you know like a fire sick TV and your daily memories can put like play on the screen Like your screensaver You know as pictures of our family and vacations and also and there's a nude woman on our screen oh Good god Yeah, it was actually our bedroom. Oh, we're getting ready to go out And I looked at it and I was like should I say anything? Yeah, yeah I just like I was done like I was like Why and he did not he's like that's not my picture. I'm like all the other pictures

46:38What in nine year old not mine dude not mine Yeah, he's like it had to come off someone else's phone. I'm like like no How is all those other pictures are memories and then this comes up and it's not yours So I was like okay, so and it's not like I'm parsing here because there's two different tracks that we need to walk down Depending on how you answer this Was it a pornographic image Or and what I mean by that was like was it from a website or is it somebody that he knows Well, I didn't recognize her, but it was like a selfie in the mirror like completely Yeah, I'm nude Like to where it's almost like that got sent to him. Yeah So I think you've got a bigger problem on your hands Mm-hmm Yeah, and your response just then Tells me that doesn't surprise you Yeah, I've always had questions, but okay, I try I try to I know you try to shove it down and pretend it's not happened. Yeah

47:43Yeah, okay For whatever it's worth I think you're worth more than that Thank you I also know that calling it out for what it is and going through credit card receipts and going through histories and going through cloud eye clouds Might well, that's where like I don't have access to anything We don't like share anything And yeah, that's where I'm like is there's got to be more than Yeah, I hate this for you I just don't believe it. I know Look at it. I know But it literally it found you Yeah, I know and then through his lie he looked at you and said I think she's so stupid. I'm gonna say this

48:48I know Now I asked him like just tell me the truth. I'm like just be honest Like I can get over just tell me and he's like he was more mad at me for seeing it than yeah, I was at him for finding it It's not funny Lynn. I'm I'm heartbroken for you My nervous life. No, I know I do too. I laugh at the worst possible moments. I get it, but um If your husband was looking at anonymous people on the internet and pornography. Yes, you're you're Perfectly right to be disgusted by that and be grusted out feel less than have all the feelings in the world you want Yeah, you're also I'll I'll tell you this you're grown up you can also be like I'm bothered me at all Yeah, exactly I think the what you have settled for And that you call a marriage that you've settled for Mm-hmm, where we're so disconnected and I get it can I ask you a scary question?

49:52Er are you safe? Yes He's a he's a safe man He's safe, though. Okay Because I often hear this level of distant Language from somebody who's had it is is unsafe So I'll say this if you're not safe. I'm gonna implore you To get safe Okay, and I know that will come at an extreme cost No, but your words being safe, okay? Yeah Yeah, and You've buried yourself in sheds and have tos and need tos And And for whatever it's worth I think you I think everybody is worth but I'm talking to you Your worth sit now with the yellow pad and saying here's what I want Okay, I want a husband that's not receiving sending Newt photos to other women he works with or women around the corner

50:55Mm-hmm. I don't want to know whether I have an STI every time Every every night Right I don't want if do you have kids? We are blended family we have six kids. Okay Yeah, so they're absorbing in real time. Oh, this is how couples Who call themselves married? This is how they live One person does whatever the body hell he wants to do the other person just goes along with it Yeah, that's basically it. Yeah I Put it all on the table I think you I think you have to be clear about what you want Yeah I have said things You know about like all the other stuff he doesn't tell me But I guess here's the honest to god truth

51:56And I've said this to more than a few men and women in my life The divorce attorney gets access to everything. Yes every text message you've ever sent every email every iCloud photo Even the ones you think you delete they go get them Every bank record every credit card state. I went through a bad divorce before and I know that Okay, so this illusion of no one's gonna find out Yeah, you want to take it far enough? So I'm gonna go find out They're gonna read it publicly Yeah, I have somebody that I know that I won't talk about that. I've I've seen and especially heard of some wild depositions in divorce hearings And so if you want to it the old saying is like you want dance. Well dance brother Because you got nothing to hide then dude You know saying Yeah

52:58I get it but I'm assuming you don't share a checking account with him We have one account together, but he also has like five other accounts. Yeah, that's right. That's right Yeah And I'm assuming you don't have his code to his pass code to his phone Nope, I never want to look at it like I just I never want to know it It just happened to come on TV one day Like Yeah, I just I guess I've always just lived like I don't know I was with my happy life behind like pretending like nothing's wrong I don't know why here's a deal you're grown up and you get to do whatever you want to do Yeah, I'm just telling you I would not wish that on my worst enemy Because that's a very lonely lonely life Yeah Fair

54:01Sorry, I wish I could have more positive ending on this thing That's okay. I appreciate you talking to me about it. Sometimes it's just nice to hear Yeah, you're not you're not crazy. I think having uh here's what I want and most importantly well not most importantly equally important Here's what I want Um here's what must be true and then this is important. Here's my or what statement Or me and my biological kids leave And if you don't want to do that that's never gonna be on the table then okay um Then everything that you want as you've stated it before whether directly or sort of you know kind of like hinted at it or whatever He's been like downcare not doing that Yeah Let me ask you at like a heart breaking question If you said I'm leaving would he fight for you?

55:01No I don't think he would I think I need like well, but I feel I need him more than he needs me Is that a story you're making up or does he pretty clear about that arrangement? I mean He provides for me. I feel like I would have nothing without him If I left I would have to start from scratch I think he'd be fine without me And yeah, I don't know that he would fight Because he'll let me like go cry on the other room without ever talking to me. Oh Oh Yeah, it's like deciding like Stay in this life like because we have a good life. Oh you do a lot well material life Maybe not an emotional life Hey, good god. How about you? Do you what you're saying? I Know I know it's horrible. I know I always like imagine if it was switched

56:08I probably would leave if I was the one with everything You know like go ahead. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the that's the evil deal with the devil that I hear often from especially from stay-at-home moms. Yeah Is like cool to Lonnie. Yeah, sure. I'm gonna go and then what then where do I go? Yeah, I've been out of the workforce for 10 years I've got three kids. We've nowhere to live. I got no family So it sounds like so there's definitely without question of cost Yes No question No question. No Is basically my boss too, so I guess I'd have to leave everything So let me rephrase that for you. Okay, okay, you have nothing That's how I feel. It's true without him. Yeah, no, no, no, no

57:08You had nothing Yeah Yeah, you're right That's scary. Yeah If you're a friend of mine, it'll be very scared for you No It makes me scared even more Well, it's just you're so exposed your kids are so exposed Yeah Because now it's not now it gets to a place of desperation. I can't ask I can't I can't say what I want My voice can't be heard Because I'm in such a fragile situation emotionally Relationally spiritually psychologically financially Right I just accept it Everyday

58:12So I'll tell you man you can do what you want to do Well, yeah And I'll sit here with you regardless of the decisions you make Thank you, but I'll tell you I think you're worth more than this I appreciate that like a whole lot more Thank you So no, you're not you're not wrong for feeling hurt Okay, okay All right You're not wrong for feeling hurt You're not crazy, okay Thanks. All right All right, thanks for the call sister. Be right back What's up, Dr. John Delone here when was the last time you and your spouse got away Just the two of you no kids no work no distractions just time to reconnect most couples can't remember That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the money and marriage getaway It's three days in Nashville to laugh together learn and grow with your spouse

59:16We have a weekend on sale right now October 22nd through 24th 2026 get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events or by clicking the link in the show notes All right, we're back. Hey, I want to take this time to tell you if you will click the link in the show notes I will send you a PDF. It's simple It's direct and it is the play-by-play for you and your spouse even you and your romantic partner if you're dating somebody Seriously a way to sit at the table and plan the upcoming week Talks about calendar stuff money stuff intimacy stuff like putting things on the calendar But it's just the it's a version of what me and my wife have done for years Which is to sit down and say what's coming at us this week and who are we going to be in the face of all this stuff And it can feel overwhelming and it can also feel kind of like I should not do this. This should be so easy But then life comes at us a thousand miles an hour and it gets sideways real fast So click the link in the show notes. I'll send it to you a free charge or nothing

1:00:18Just want to begin to get some of these tools out that people ask me about all the time and the weekly run down tools when I get all the time So check it out love you guys and I'll see you next time around