Caller: “Why Is My Wife Unhappy?”

0:00My life and I have been married for 24 years. We have five kids. I think what's happened over the years is she's been meeting a lot of needs of a lot of people. It's almost like in meeting all these needs for so long, her ability to figure out what she desires or what she wants, those muscles of atrophy. Put up, put up, put up, put up. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A Houston kid dropped in the middle of Nashville, Tennessee taking your calls. Man, I wish I was still a kid. Being a kid when I grew up, man, Kelly, I had the last great American childhood. Yeah, I would love to be a kid when we grew up, not now. Not now. I'd rather set myself on fire. Right, back when we were kids and like literally no one knew where we were. Ever. And here's what's awesome. I don't think it was a care to where we were. No, I was a third kid. No, no one cared. The greatest gift I could give my appearance was going

1:04away, go away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not in a traumatic way, but in just not here. And just not here. Drinking sugary kool-aid that somebody's mom brought out. I like how you pause drinking sugary kool-aid and all, you know, like everybody's bikes being at one house. Bikes, dude. And that's how you knew you got left out. There's all the bikes for one house. Somewhere and like mom calling around from house to house trying to find you if they needed something. The best. Be home in the street lights are on. And we lived in a colisex. So when the street lights came on. Even more the best. Yeah. And then but even like after dinner during the summer, go back out. Oh, back out. Yes. And then one guy, I know exactly who he is. I'll just say Mr. Q. If that balls on my lawn, I'm going to pop your ball. That was a real guy on my street. It was so great. And anyway, pine cone war, the best, the best. But we're not there anymore. I'm an old man now. And we are in the 21st century. And it's chaos. And that's what the show is about is sitting in the middle of whatever storm you find yourself in with your relationships,

2:07your mental emotional health, your kids, whatever you got. And I'll sit here with you. And we'll figure out what's the next right move for you and your family. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. It's got to be a boy Z. Idaho and talk to Steve. What's up, Steve? Hey, Dr. John, thanks for letting me pull up the seat. You got it, brother. I'm glad you're here, man. What's up? Hey, my wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have five kids. The oldest is 22 and the youngest is 10. So we are in it. Yeah, dude. In it for a long time. After it early. And you all have been in it a long time. We did. We started early. And so my wife's been at stay at home mom the whole time. So she's really been in it. She's a fantastic mom. And so I think what's happened over the years is she's been meeting a lot of needs of a lot of people. You know what I mean? Yep. And so in our conversations as we've been talking, what we've kind of come to or what I've, as I've listened to what she's saying, it sounds like

3:11it's almost like in meeting all these needs of all these people for so long, her ability to figure out what she desires or what she wants is like those mutton muscles of atrophied. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I imagine to any, any mother listening to this episode to two guys going, yeah. And then this happened. And they're like, yes, yes. So the one of the hardest yet most beautiful, yet most painful things I've endured in my adulthood is having a woman and I've been ready 24 years too. My best friend on planet, like we're together till one of us is in the ground, right? And she's gone from like rockstar research to rockstar elementary school teacher to like renowned research professor to quit all of that to stay at home to author to code like, but the whole reason I tell you that is less about the jobs

4:19and more about the dramatic identity shifts she's experienced and how hard that is. And like the question, who am I now and who do I want to be and who am I going to be is such a powerful existential question that I've had the privilege to not have to deal with, right? Because I got to go to work, right? And there's not like a, I guess if she, man, God, if she made a million dollars, dude, that would be so awesome. That would be so awesome. But like, I haven't had to wrestle with who am I as a mother and the mother trying to take over the role, like try, in combat with the identity of a wife, right? And with the woman, right? And that being in conflict with the identity of professional and that being in conflict with the identity of just me, I'm me. What do I want? Who do I want to be right? What a nightmare man. And so is she, I mean, you got a 10 year old, so I imagine it's fourth or fifth grades. And so there's less, I mean, there's there's more time at home where there's just not humans that need you right now.

5:20Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Obviously, there's still the management of household. But is she starting to ask questions about like, who am I? Yeah, I think that's part of it. And there is more time now, right? So I think if we can facilitate the right, like, where do we, it's weird being an adult and not knowing what you want, right? And like, we're educated adults and it's like, how can you not know what you want? But that's where we are. And I totally get it because of what you've laid out beautifully. But like, where does she go or like, how should we help her start figuring out what do I want? Because she does have extra time now. The greatest gift. And I can only speak to this from my singular lived experience. Okay. Anytime, either one of a romantic partnership, right? Either one, I always want to put them in the driver's seat. But like you mentioned, she may look at you and say, I haven't driven in 20 years, in 22 years, I haven't driven. I want to drive. I don't even know

6:21like, right? And you as husband who loves her, it sounds like you all are pretty tight, right? You like, you all have good marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it can feel real, un, like, you could feel like a failure. Like, I can't, I can't fix this one. I can't help. I don't know what I can do here, right? And so what I would tell you from my lived experiences, I spend a lot of years trying to fix it as though she was somehow broken and I was wrong. And instead of where I'm at now and have been for probably the, you know, a better part of a decade is a constant reassurance that whoever she wants to be and whatever she wants to, wherever she wants to follow her nose and whatever she wants to get into, there will not be a bigger cheerleader on planet Earth than me. The only encouragement, the only like, come on. Like, like, I'm speaking this not, it's like you will not like that, but as buddies like, I challenge you to go do something wild.

7:22I challenge you to go take on this project. I challenge you to fill in the blank. And, and that might be all stunning for dance classes together. That might be you, you take her hand and lead her to new experiences, weird experience. Like, we're going to start going to Thursday night, late movie. We're both going to sleep through it. I'm making stuff up, but, um, I want you to, once a week, I want to encourage you once a week at dinner time. I want you to leave and want you to go do something fun just for you. And she might say, the funnest thing in the world for me is to have dinner with my family. Great. Awesome. But continually, um, hey, we've got money set aside. You want to go take, you want to go back to college? You want to take a class? Um, I'm thinking the last five years, my wife has taken a, she's like a licensed coach. Um, she got her master gardener certification here in Tennessee. She's done some wild cool stuff. And I'm watching her become this amazing person that there's no script for, right? There's a script for professional. There's a script for mom's a script for wife. She's much in her go and do it. It's so awesome. But it does take a lot of

8:24encouragement in that whatever you want to do, wherever you want to be, I got you. Right now, it sounds like what your wife needs is freedom. Like, freedom to go explore, but that freedom, often we think like we're just going to knock all the fences down and you're free. That can be overwhelming. So you're anchored to this amazing guy named Steve. And I got you go, go do crazy stuff. Join a book club. Go to stand up. Go learn the guitar. Like go begin to follow your nose. Like, who do you want to be? What do you want to be? A question that I often recommend folks ask is begin to ask, who don't want to help now? Right. Like who don't want to help? And don't want to help start a radio show. Do I want to help single moms? Do I want to help? Like, and that can tend to guide you. Do I want to help people get their plumbing fixed at their house? I don't care. But that might be a path that helps somebody at least get started in a direction. Right? Yeah.

9:24What when she's at home, like, how is this coming up? Is she getting concerned? Is she getting worried? Is she becoming hollow? How are you experiencing this? No, it's more like this, like, so I'll say, so I've been saying, how can I love you? Nice. Doing certain things. And what I almost always get back is to do usually for one of the kids, right? Tasks. Yeah. Yeah. The kid here, whatever. Yeah. And so I get that. But I just got the sense that that wasn't really connecting to her, you know what I mean? And so I would say, like, do you feel more connected? Do you feel more loved? And she's like, I don't even, she's like, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful. Like you took stuff off my list. But I don't necessarily feel more connected. And I'm like, well, maybe we're not getting to what you want. When I ask you that, she's like, well, I don't even know what I want. Like, I'm so into the day to day, the tasks of the Jews that I can't even, like, what I want is buried in there so deep. I don't even know how to connect to it. For me, much less tell you what I want. Gotcha. Gotcha. You know what I mean? And there's also,

10:25I think, for her, there was also a growing up where negative emotions were not allowed. Yeah. And so she either had to have go having somewhere else by herself or bury her. Yeah, had to be positive. And so this maybe actually, you know, 40, 43 years of, I just buried what I want or my raw natural emotion. Yeah. And I don't let anybody see him, you know, and so I feel for her like the again, the way you've laid it out plus, I just think the muscles there is just super entropy. And I don't know if she feels confident. Like, how do I work these muscles? How do I even ask this question? You know what I mean? A great path for you is like, appropriate yet over the top a little bit, curiosity. Okay. You may have heard me mention this on the show. I had this big revelation, I think two years ago now around New Year's when I took, I took a day or two, like a retreat for myself, like kind of guy were you last year. And who do you want to be this year? Right?

11:28And I usually do it after me. My wife, I've had our big. Who do we want to be as a married couple time away? And I had this big epiphany like, I know my wife. We like share a house, we share a bed, like we share kids, like I know her, I don't know her anymore. And we're both former college professors were nerds. And so I asked her to make me a syllabus of her. And she was like, what are you talking about? And I said, like, give me 10 podcasts you listen to and or like, give me the last five or 10 books that you like got something deep out of or you just liked or that were ridiculous, but they held your attention right? Three TV shows. What are some big questions about AI, about politics, about the direction of the world? What are things that scare you? I said, make me a syllabus of you because I want to spend some time like, re-getting to know you. And here was a, this is a powerful moment for us. Like one month went by, two months went by. And I was

12:29doing something I was like, I never got that syllabus. And so I texted her, hey, you know what I mean? It's still of us. And she texted back. I hope I was hoping you forgot. And I texted back why? That you were joking. Well, here's the, here's the, here's the kicker. She said, I said, I said, why did you have to forget? And she said, I'm suddenly afraid that if you really know, you won't like me anymore. And I was like, good. I give my, am I soul? I was like, do we been together 30 years between dating being married? Like, where, my ship has sailed, right? And that innate fear never leaves a person ever, ever, ever. And it was this light bulb for me like in the tiny stuff, in the hand holding, in the 60 second hugs, in the, how can I love you today? Those things are really important. But I only can know those things if I know her. And so it's this constant process. And we all change like, I'm married to like version 40 of her. And she's married to

13:32version 200 of me. Like, I married to a brand new woman. I'm not married to the same person I'm married 24 years ago. So I want to get to know her. But that syllabus exercise made it was awesome. I listened to all the podcasts. Some of them were pretty insightful. Some of them made me want to stab my ears, ear drums out. And like I read several of the books through a three of them were really impactful for me. Several of them I couldn't even get, I mean, I was like, this is drivel. Like, I don't even know what this is. But when we went to dinner, I was like, hey, tell me about this book that really impacted you in this way. And she's like, it meant this and it said this. But that was me less about the book, but getting to know how she's experiencing the world now. And man, that has made all the difference in the world. Not just that one time, but a constant regaining to know each other all the time. I love that. But yeah, the, that who am I question? What do I want question? And the toggling of identities, especially for women and wives and mothers and professionals or not professionals, it's just,

14:38it's impossible. You cannot win. And sort of the anchoring point, like, I'm going to hand you a machete and you're going to head off into the woods and you're going to have to carve your own path. But I'll be right here. I'll be with you the whole way cheering you on, taking dinners when you're gone, like doing breakfast, making lunches, whatever I got to do in laundry, whatever I got to do that have quote unquote traditionally been your job for the last 20 years. I got you because I want you to be in the process of rediscovery because then I want to get to know her. Right? No. I love that. Can I just tell you you're a man. You're like the model guy. Dude, it's awesome. Thank you. It's awesome. It's inspiring to hear her husband loves his wife, like this and wants to be a part of her world, right? That little secret world y'all created. That's awesome, dude. And I went on next 40 years to be playful and spontaneous and that kind of stuff and not this list of I have to, I should, you know, I should. Yes. You know what I mean. And you'll have five kids, right? Yeah. You just blow off the fifth when nobody cares. He didn't even care.

15:43Just like start doing fun stuff together. I'm not really, but, but, but, I agree. I agree. I agree. Yeah. And if there is, if you sense this fear, this, I don't even know where to start. I don't, I don't even know how to start. Man, sign up for dance classes once a week. You go first and she might go one to one class and be like, I hate this. But at least now she's knows not to go down that path and, and, and, and write and, and give her not permission. That's the wrong word. Give her such encouragement to begin to practice speaking her mind. What she wants, what she thinks is fun. I mean, do this great conversations for the bedroom. Hey, what, what are three or four things you used to be super into that we don't do anymore? What are three or four things that eat like when we first got married, we got into a routine and you're like, dude, if we never do that again, I'd be so happy. What are three or four or five things you want to try in the bedroom? Like, just begin this play together, right? This, this, like, this is

16:43our, we get to do whatever we want with it. And, man, what a magic trip y'all can go on, dude. My last, my last thing I'll say is this, and I know I'm talking a lot. This one's so fresh for me. Um, I know I'm trying to think off top of my head. One, two, three, four, I have four women in my life that I'm not related to who have been down this, who am I? What do I want to be? What do I want to back half of my life to be? What have, like, those questions, right? And they're with really encouraging partners. And they have been frustrated and almost heartbroken is probably too dramatic of a way to say it, but they've looped all the way around and they really like being homemakers. And there's almost a sense of disappointment in themselves that really what they love is making sure everyone's car has gas in it so that they can go do their crazy things out in the

17:49world. And if that's where y'all land, then even more amazing. And that will take another round of support cheerleading from, from your perspective, right? Okay, if that's where she lands, I really just love being here. And now that our kids 22, I'm going to start a weekly letter writing. I'm going to start visiting more. I'm going to start traveling to see him more. I'm going to be around like, like, that might be where she what she loves and where she lands. And if so, awesome. That's not a thing to hang your head about for her or for you. That's the thing to celebrate too. It's that sense of becoming. But man, you're a good, good man. Steve, I appreciate you calling. Yeah, and you happen to hit a striker core with me just because I've been walking alongside my writer, Daya, an amazing woman for years, like wrapping her head around. I got this responsibility, this task. I want to do this. I'm super skilled at these 50 things. She's more talented than me than anything. And also that sense from the world, right? Like you only have worth if it has a

18:54direct deposit attached to it or I can't believe you're letting other kids, other people raise your kids or I can't believe you're walking away from a generation of a century of women fighting for your opportunity to go out in the workplace. And it's just all these other people telling you what to do. And yeah, then it's just like, I just want to turtle up. And but man, my wife is such a great contributor to the world, to our home, to me, to her friends and colleagues and the people that she helps and supports. People who read her work, like it's just inspiring to be around. But it's a battle. It's a battle. And knowing you, Steve, are going to be right there, right? Or die with your wife, man. We'll give her the anchor point for her to just swan dive off the side of that bridge. So good for you brother. We come back. A woman asks if she and her husband should tell their kids about a past affair. And if so, win. We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a vinescent or tea bone steak,

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21:00internetty stuff makes a huge difference for everybody in the club. Let's go to Seattle, Washington and talk to Andrea. Hey, Andrea, what's up? Hi, how are you doing? Doing great. How about you? Doing well. It's a pleasure to talk with you today. You too. Thanks for calling. What's going on? I need help trying to figure out if we tell our kids about an affair that my husband had a couple years ago. Tell me what's going on. So he had an affair about two years ago and I call it the worst and best thing that ever happened. Kind of blew our marriage up. We did eight months of counseling and we are better than we've ever been and we're in a really great spot. But we've learned a ton and down the road, I don't know if we should tell our kids if we should tell them part of it, all of it. Wait for them to ask if we should come out and tell them together to solve kinds of

22:01questions. What's the what's the impetus for wanting to tell them? So my husband was wrongly diagnosed with major depressive disorder and come to find out after if there happened. He's actually bipolar. Okay. And so we just it was a struggle with his mental health for a decade. And he almost he had a suicide note written and was ready to end his life and all of this happened and it kind of blew us up in the best way possible and got him the right help and it's so cool to see him go through all of that and be courageous and be a man that I lost for a long time. And with our kids now just with what we've learned about mental health and relationships, what part of that should we tell them or should we tell them at all because I know once we tell them their views of us and him will change a lot. Yeah. The um how old are they now? Right now they're five, six, and seven.

23:06Okay. God no. No. Not now. I let me say this way. Absolutely no. You don't have to. That's y'all. That's you and your husband's story. I think it could be a powerful conversation down the road is as your kids get older when it as it becomes age appropriate, you begin to slowly um open the lid to your life too in an effort to become 360 degrees. You teach your kid I'm a whole person too. Right. And when there are six, and seven, and two, and four, or however old, that's a great time that they get to see mom or dad weep. And they're like, why are you crying? Because mommy's sad today because of because you lost a friend because you got just you know and you know I'm talking about here, you got one of the lightning bolts, one of the images from the old days and you it happened,

24:10you're sad and your kids are loving and they curl up on you and they're like, oh mommy don't cry and you say no, no, crying is okay when you're sad but thank you so much for your right and what you're doing in that lot tiny little glimpse is teaching them, oh my mom is a whole person. Right. And it's okay to cry when you're sad. It's okay to be upset when you're frustrated. And and here is a lived experience of what a emotionally mature adult does with it. Right. And so when your 19 year old comes home from college and is sobbing and says, I got cheated on and you all have a great relationship that you started working a decade and a half before. That might be a great moment to sit down and say I've been there. Right. And now you're opening that human experience or your husband may be able to sit down with your 19 year old and say, let me tell you, let me tell you part of our story.

25:16And here's what forgiveness looks like and here's the work I had to do to make it right and here's the work your mom had to do to like put both feet back in the boat again in this thing called our marriage. Like that's when those kind of stories can become really powerful. Otherwise it feels like y'all have this secret between you and it's y'all feel like it's too heavy to carry and you want to hand it to your kids and say y'all have to carry part of this too. And that's y'alls. And I would suggest as y'all continue to heal and you continue to rebuild this marriage y'all have that y'all begin to set it down. It's a part of your story. It will always be part of your story but it's not the destination of who y'all are going to be. Right. Yeah, I can still be heavy sometimes. Yeah, totally. And and I'll tell you, Andrea, like you're not broken because it's

26:16still heavy sometimes. And there's not something you're not a bad wife and you're not all in on rebuilding just because some days you can't get out of bed. Or you're doing something mindless in that picture pops into your head. Right. And that doesn't make you that makes you completely and totally human. And then you have a game plan on what do I do with that image? What do I do with what I do what am I going to do next? And your body continues to shift your default setting and be like we weren't safe then but we're safe now. Right. That's just healing. Because you because that a an unregulated person with bipolar that got misdiagnosed that the affair was not the only thing you were dealing with in that house. Yeah. Right. That was a chaotic time for y'all, wouldn't it? It was really hard. And chaotic is the nicest way I could say that. Right.

27:17Or a better word might be it was a scary time. Fair. Yeah, survival. Yeah, you got three really young kids or two young kids you find out you're pregnant and then all hell's breaking loose, right? Yeah, not a good time. And so your body remembers that puts a GPS pin in that and says, never forget this, Andrea, because it could happen again. And that's just your body trying to love you well. And what you have to say is I get it. Thank you for trying to care me but I'm good now. I'm working towards something different now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. So do you feel a pressure? Do you feel dishonest? What's the what's the what's the feeling behind the feeling you have? Yeah. I think just after all this happened really struggling with vulnerability and who to be vulnerable to, we were really careful who we told my family doesn't know. So it's like a one day if we decide to tell the kids are if it comes up, just kind of opening Pandora's box that way. But vulnerability feels amazing too. So yeah, yeah, yeah, just weighing weighing both of those. Yeah. And

28:25like there's a there's a biological cost to secrets, right? They'll kill you. And having people in your life that you can be fully whole with, fully real with, fully open with is is is is critical to species survival, right? You got to have that. And we live in a culture that thinks, you know, everybody has access to everybody's everything all the time. And that's just simply not true. It's probably very wise that you all have been told your family and may never tell your family because it's not their business. It's not there. It's not their marriage. And that doesn't make you deceptive or not a good person or whatever that makes you very protective of you and your husband's secret world. And that's the right thing for y'all. And maybe his parents are more supportive or willing to show up next to y'all like great. That's cool. Yeah. Every every every it's that's you being not dishonest that you being wise. Yeah. Can I tell you a thing that's sitting in the middle of my chest right now?

29:30Yes please. The more I listen the more we talk, more I talk I'm talking too much today. The more I talk and the more I hear you, the heavier this is still sitting on you. It feels like do you want to be further along than you are I tell me what you're experiencing. I think I hold this all still really really close. And even the people that feel safe to talk to you don't bring it up very often. So it's a it's an isolating feeling a lot of the time. What is what is not isolating look like for you? What would that look like? Being risky and to open up with people more. Okay. What does that mean though? I feel like there have been a couple opportunities like with my girlfriends that I could have shared but chose not to just for fear of I don't want them to view like my husband and I differently.

30:33And it would be such a shame if they because a lot of people don't view affairs very it's very well. So and I feel like we have a good people view us as a really strong couple. And that's what's going to kill you. That's what's going to kill you. Because you're not protecting him. And in some ways you're not protecting you. You're protecting the image you'll portray. And that's going to get real real exhausting carrying that. Yeah. That's the actor popping out from behind the curtain on stage in front of the audience. We're like it's all great. And there's a fire going on backstage. How much? This is just because I've had this conversation with so many men and women but especially women. Obviously there's the I don't want people to say bad things about my husband. How much do you carry and I hear this a lot and you may say I don't care that at all.

31:37That you had a story that had been in your head either consciously or unconsciously that if that ever happens to me I'm gone. And you might have even told stories to yourself about other women who stayed what a weak lady I can't believe she just stayed. And then now you're like oh I'm her. And I don't want any of my girlfriends to find out. I think for me I knew like my husband I have talked about it and this if there was 80% him and 20% our marriage. Like his mental health. And for me I felt like I stayed really strong through all of it and it wasn't my fault. But I think I'm at the point now where I want to make meaning out of this and I want to share kind of the grit of our story. And he still holds a lot of shame and embarrassment from everything. So I want to I want to be more open and he's still pretty protective. Okay. So is that where the conflict is? Is that you want to tell your girlfriends and your husband says don't tell anybody we're not allowed to tell anybody? Keep it a secret.

32:40Yeah I would say so. That to me is next level that you'll need to work through. Yeah. And there's a balance between like that. Yeah. I'll just leave it there. Like that's it. That's the next level thing because in a roundabout way he's asking you to hold his carry his shame, his embarrassment, his frustration, his image. And that's his to carry. That's y'all as a married couples to protect but that's his to carry. And in no way am I saying make a big Facebook post about it and not do an Instagram swipe thing with it. But yeah, you've got to have girlfriends that you can be honest with in exhale in front of and we weep with. And it's going to sound awful because I'm going to pile on you right now.

33:41You're also going to have to sit down with your closest girlfriends and say I've kept something big for me for two years. I'm sorry. Yeah. Right. And the longer that goes the bigger that conversation gets. But especially your kids don't need to be the outlet. Yeah, absolutely not. So what's this conversation look like with your husband? I think just that of I can't hold his shame and I'd love to talk about what it looks like to share our story with safe people. You can move forward and I don't know not feel so heavy with this anymore. Yeah. And I heard you say two things and so hold attention of these two things. There's something about I need some people to sit with me that I trust that fully know me.

34:46I do not have that I'm giving them backstage passes. They get to see me behind the curtain. Right. And there's what I think is a very modern temptation of the only way to make meaning about something is to make it famous. To get likes to get audiences to get nods to get tears out of it. And that's not always meaning making meaning. Making meaning may be you saying this is I found out I'm a way stronger woman than I thought I was. And here's what I'm going to use that strength moving forward. I may go back to and get a degree in therapy and I'm just I'm just going to focus on women who've been cheated on. I'm going to focus on wives of husbands with bipolar. I'm going to focus on who knows right. But making meaning and fame are two radically different things. Yeah. And I don't want you to put a dollar amount or a likes amount or shares amount or a book deal

35:48as part of like as a sign for yourself that I've made meaning of this. Yeah. I like the I've made meaning just I was waste or rather than I thought I ever could be pretty cool. Well, making me that that's a that's a recognition. That's a realization. But making meaning is what are you going to do with that strength? Yeah. Who are you going to love and honor and serve with that strength you have now? Which is funny. I'm all of this. I was going to school to get my therapy degree. But now I do couple therapy. Nice. So meaning right there. There you go. I mean, it's okay. So I'm talking to a fellow therapist like or I'm not a fellow therapist. I just I just fake it on on the internet. Like you what would you tell a client who came in to see you? Going through this. Yeah. Who to the woman in front of you saying I can't carry I've got to be able to share this and have some people in my life that I can talk to and husband says he's still

36:48too embarrassed and ashamed. And so I'm not allowed to tell anybody anything which I'm a strong woman now. That's my new identity. And I'm still being controlled by this guy's insecurities. What would you tell him? Gosh, I feel like validate everything. It's strong to be weak. It's it's all okay to feel all of it. It's okay to want to share. You need to share. It's okay to not share with people too. Like all of it's okay. That's the difference between a licensed therapist and me. You have to. I could just say what I think you have to follow the code of ethics. So that's awesome. But but maybe that's a fun exercise to do or a hard exercise is to do an empty chair exercise with yourself and put a picture of yourself on an empty chair in front of you. And let the chair be the therapist and you tell your story to you and then ask yourself what would

37:54I tell me? Like you got to get you got to get some women in your life that you trust some of your closest friends. You're becoming somebody you never wanted to be which is somebody who held secrets from those closest to her. You're becoming somebody that is not in congruent and there's not an alignment with this meaning you're making of what happened which is I'm strong and I'm going to do what's right for me for my marriage and for my kids. And I'm going to honor and love and support and be friends with my husband. And also he's got to carry what's his and I'll carry what's mine. And there has there has to be a coming together there. And so if you back all the way out two years lots of diagnostics lots of management of the true mental health disorder lots of like the storm is the storm itself has passed but man we still got a lot of rebuilding to do. And that's part of the new marriage after the storm is over right and then we're going to rebuild

38:59again. We're going to rebuild again but now you're at the next layer if you will the next level and that is I need some support now. I've been holding the same together for two years I need some support. And let's have that hard talk. Thanks for a call dude you're awesome and it's it's a it's inspiring to see two people go get the help they need do the work and to prioritize this thing called be a married and it's messy and ugly and gritty and like stub your toe skin need like it's it's painful and I'm it's it's amazing to watch um you walk through it Andrea. Thanks for the call. We come back a man asks how to stop missing his ex-in laws and feeling betrayed by their loyalty to their daughter we'll be right back. I know some of you out there are hurting and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time and you and your spouse both know it.

40:00You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy it's affecting every area of your life and you've tried everything you can do and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine and Root program from Capstone Wellness. These are three to five day on-site therapy intensives for couples families and individuals who need more than a standard 50 minute therapy session once a week. You'll work with your Capstone's team before you even arrive so the moment you get there the real work can begin. Once you're there you won't just talk about problems you'll start to get to the root and heal them. Every single day you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you. You'll do the deep work that leads to real change so that you leave with hope, a plan and the tools to keep moving forward. I know the people at Capstone personally. If someone I love needed this level of care Capstone would be my first call because I trust them and the work

41:02they do. If this is you don't wait go get help now. Go to capstonewellness.com slash Deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com slash Deloney or click the link in the description. Yo okay so listen I have heard you and I've started creating me and my team here. I've started creating tools that are free that are just for you and their tools that y'all are asking me for like what is this what is this weekly rundown what is this conflict framework like how do we have a hard car we're building them out and we're just giving them to you because you've been with us for so long you're trying to do the working house and I love you guys for it. So one of the things we've created is the weekly rundown. I'm always like man listen if you and your spouse you and your girlfriend you and your boyfriend will just get together at the beginning of a week and be honest about reality. Here's what's on our calendar. Here's what our work week is going to look like. Here's the expenses that are coming

42:04our way. We got a dentist appointment. We got an oil change. We got to get two kids to the doctor. We've got we've got like and hey what about us? We got to put us on the calendar whether we're going to put sex on the calendar twice this week or once this week or not this week or we're going to put this time after the kids go to bed we're just going to watch an old episode of the office where we're going to plan it now and even when we quote unquote don't feel like it we're going to walk through that thing together because we decided at the beginning of the week here's who we're going to be this week right. So we created the weekly rundown. It's very similar to what me and my wife do on a pretty regular basis. Here's a calendar. Here's the stuff going on. What's your work week look like for me? She'll ask me do you how many shows do you have? Do you have a lot of recordings? Do a lot of media? Are you traveling? I'll ask her like you got this thing you go what do you got going on? Are you writing a lot? And it just aligns us and then we are united before the chaos begins. So it's completely for free. Click the link in the show notes. It's my gift to you. Take this

43:10thing and use it for just a month. Just once a week any night of the week any morning of the week me and my wife usually do it on either Saturday mornings or Sunday evenings but just do it together and begin staring the week at the face in the face and commit to not letting the week happen to you but you and your spouse are happening to that week and it just reimagines your whole marriage united. So click the link in the show notes for the weekly rundown. Go check it out. It's got to Charlotte, North Carolina and let's talk to Thomas. What's up Thomas? Hey, and I've got a new one for you. I miss my ex-inlaws. No. Nice. Tell me about it. New territory here. Yeah. So I was really close with my ex-inlaws that like a second family. I mean I have a really good home life growing up. Great parents parents you could ever put for. So it's not like they were replacing like a bad situation for me or anything like you know from

44:13family growing up but I they're just really great people really just brought me right into their family you know from my ex father-in-law and ex mother-in-law to my ex brother-in-law sister-in-law there like brothers and sisters it was just a really good it was just great. My ex-wife ended up having at least two possibly three affairs with guys co-workers at work and it absolutely just wrecked me. Yeah. But I accepted the divorce was over or that the marriage was over and you know just went through with getting a divorce and it was just it was rough. They even her family was very just furious hurt by what she did after everything came out and I actually didn't tell them you know she did so it's like I was running the spread anything and to the point

45:18where they spoke to me personally just like hey we're really concerned about her what she did it just as I've seen this show so shocking and they even wrote my parents a letter just to apologize and for what their daughter did I mean it just they were just heartbroken but yeah so fast forward maybe about a year after our divorce was final um she ended up marrying one of the guys that she was saying when we were still married um her and this is what really just killed me man for a family even after being so supportive of me and the men and our kids and everybody what we had to get one through and they went halfway across the country to celebrate this huge wedding they had and just seeing pictures of all the stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff get out get out yeah get out you're killing yourself man you're killing yourself

46:19yeah like I'm heartbroken for you dude yeah but this is about missing them this is about but it's missing it's way more than that dude um I heard Ellen Langer she's a famous research um professor I want like one of the pioneers and she said um and I'm challenging your language on purpose because I want to get to the root okay she said yeah how much is uh one plus one and everyone's like well doc too and she said well sometimes uh to which I'm like oh here we go some little trickster and she said one pile of laundry plus one pile of laundry is one pile of laundry it's context right right so you didn't get a second family yeah you got an even bigger awesome one yeah and somebody blew it up yeah what was doesn't exist anymore

47:21and as heartbroken as you are and as mad as you've are and as you've run the scenarios and had the imagination of her with other guy like all of that what you really want is a teammate but think through it like not logically did nothing about this is logical it's just so powerful the motions and the feelings like did you want her dad to shun his daughter yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um okay okay it's there's zero consequences for what not only she did to me but to our kids are young kids you know and so you got kids too huh yeah young kids um and it's just like I just honestly I hate every holiday now yeah I drew it I I live for January 2nd where thanks given Christmas

48:22New Year's everything is done and I can just I just I just hate it and that was always one of the most favorite times a year for me and I just hate it now I don't think you hate it now I think you're grieving man there's a difference in like three years now you know all right well maybe but I but here's what I want you to do when you're planning like we're heading into the fall right now as you and our tick in this call right I want you as you begin to plan ahead because you're a single dad now part of the time and as you're planning ahead for what Halloween will look like and false school stuff and Thanksgiving and Christmas I want you to get a picture of your ex-wife in an eight and a half by 11 picture and frame it and put it down on your desk or on your table and before you start mapping out what this fall is going to look like I want you to look at that picture and be like you know what you ruined my life I want you to keep ruining it I want you to

49:27keep ruining my life make me hate what was one of my most favorite things ruin my precious limited time with my children and then hopefully you'll feel how ridiculous it is to allow her to continue to speak and poison your life yeah you know what I mean you she she's still in bed with you dude she's still at the kitchen table with you ruining your life she's already done it she walked away and I'm with you dude I would have hoped her dad would have been like no shun but he's not that's his daughter right yeah and this is going to sound like a like a real punch in the gut for you the greatest gift you for your kids now not before but now is that mom is regulated yeah right yeah because I like as healthy as a mom as they could possibly have in this crap show the better off

50:28they're gonna be right right right and I guess I realized that you know and this is the part of me that uh I just feel like I didn't do I didn't do anything wrong and all the consequences of it and I know there's given take on any relation all that but like I feel like um I suffer all the consequences and she and he are celebrated and can you change any of that no no okay that's all you need right there being being mad about it being frustrated about it being angry about it yelling to the heavens its own fair it's not right none of that changes the reality that you find yourself in and so all of the energy you're using in that type of I hate my life

51:31I'm alone I walked down the hall half half the month and it's silent and it shouldn't be silent I got little kids you shouldn't be silent here in this house yeah all that grief all that energy you can't man you can just keep you can put it in a giant um yeti and just chug it all day long yeah or you can put your head up against their door in the room that they're not sleeping in this particular week and sob your eyes out and then ask yourself what am I going to go do now with this time this energy what kind of man can I become so that when the truth of this thing slowly unfolds over the next by the way for about 20 years and your 25 year old son or your 25 year old daughters having breakfast with you one day that they will be able to go my dad is just a straight day badass that's the hope you know it's not no no no no no no what's the old saying a hope without a

52:40plan as a wish yeah at some point you have to decide I'm going to keep waking up every morning and drinking poison hoping something bad happens to her or I'm going to go drinking poison you've made yourself nuts brother yeah and honestly I don't know how to how to not be nuts what you're cause what well being nuts is it's part of it like give yourself some grouse gives yourself some grace I'm giving you grace like he should be somebody blew your life up and then just moved on right yeah and so there is consequence there's significant consequence it just doesn't look like it and if all the only access you have is whatever leveraged fancy car she pulls up into drop the kids off with whatever Instagram highlights or Facebook posts you see then you're gonna backfill what you see with stories about how great her life is and

53:47how bad your life is it is not as good as you think it is yeah and over the course of the next few years your kids eyes will begin to open up and hopefully they have an anchored rooted father whose house got blown to smithereens he wept in the front yard he spent a couple of years just dazed and confused and then he got work loves out and started cleaning the yard up and rebuilding the house how he wanted it built yeah and so bro what if I said your homework assignment is to go sign up for two things twice a week you got to go do it what would you sign up for pick anything you know um I already go to the gym right regularly that's that's that's that's for you you got to go do something that people will notice

54:52when you're not there what would that be because you go to the gym and you got headphones in you're you're just you're taking your isolation to a different environment but you're still all all alone you know honestly that's a that's a good question I don't know what I could do to go where people would miss me that I feel and I know this is not reality but it just feels like it just feels like I'm just checking the days off you know Monday check done Tuesday check done and I look back and years of past and it's like I'm still just checking days off of my life that's that you know what I've been having this conversation with folks for 20 years and that's the best picture I've ever been painted of that you're exactly right you're exactly right and you're at a fork in the road you can check the rest of your life off there's a hunt you can do that brother yeah or

56:04you cannot let your life happen to you but you can say I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm getting back in the game what game do I want to play yeah man it's tough it's it I can't even bro I can't even wrap my head around how hard it is I say this with all the love of my heart I wouldn't trade places with you for all of my world you know I mean like you're in hell and you've been there for a while don't bring a picture of her to the pit you're in to the edge of the pit and look up and let her lear over at you anymore yeah yeah that's a good point what's your custody arrangement uh 50 50 uh half a week are we calling me cough how does that work uh it's uh since we live in the same town it's uh I can we usually do uh three days with me three days with her

57:06okay um it's kind of it honestly it's just something we kind of came up with ourselves and the boys really like it that way so it's just been a good fit um are you are you all able to go to parent conferences together you're all able are your kids old enough for that kind of stuff yet yes yes are you all able to go to a little league practice or whatever together yeah there's no um also I just she doesn't really start drama with me and I don't I don't start with her so we can we we are fine to be in the same room together and then communicate about the kids and stuff like that it's not there's no tension in that okay I want to tell you I honor you for that brother and proud of you it's hard I mean I haven't been there but I can only imagine I would have gone to jail a few times so if I saw this other dude so like you're you're you're handling this externally really impressively and your kids are the direct beneficiary of it

58:15so what does it look like to I'm making this up but you get the kids there's you Friday Saturday what does it look like Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday to one night you sign up for whatever league another night you sign up for I'm did it again I'm did I'm making stuff up chest club jujitsu I don't care softball league I don't care but you're gonna start putting yourself back in this thing called life yeah I'm gonna get three dudes from work and we're gonna go hike every Wednesday night every Tuesday I'm gonna go like I'm just I'm just I'm gonna force myself especially when I don't feel like it can not miss yeah yeah right I do need to do more of that consistently I do change your language brother starting today change your language you're you're done needing yeah you get to now yeah you you get one lap around this crazy track called life

59:20she took four years from you that's it period of thinnest in it she gets no more days of your life yeah yeah and sign up and have it be ridiculous find yourself two weeks into a ceramics class being like what the hell am I doing here like find yourself find yourself laughing in the car like terrible yeah begin to feel emotions again other than anger and sadness yeah yeah that's it's tough but I have to do it oh you got you get to do it yeah yeah same as lift and heavy weights is hard but you get to yeah yeah and man you your life will transform and because you did the work to refill your pitcher you will have endless energy joy

1:00:22goofiness when your knucklehead a kid show up on Thursday Friday Saturday yeah and then you can be a laser beam for them and when they leave Saturday afternoon you can have that complete burnout I I'm sad I miss them or you might be like oh thank god right like whatever you feel and you can go to a movie you can just say Saturday nights are my get a pizza and watch nothing on TV yeah or every Saturday night I run five miles alone because I don't care right like well I don't care what you do but it's just you saying I'm happening to life not life is happening to me yeah that's yes I agree with everything all of that that there's no way to think or feel your way through it you have to go do it yeah proven that to myself the past four years okay we're we're we're gonna continue to think we're gonna continue to feel that's part of the human experience but

1:01:24we are gonna take number one priority is action yeah as my buddy my police sir says go do something doesn't matter what that is I'm gonna start living my life and you're gonna make friends you're gonna meet other you're gonna meet somebody you're gonna start to feel laughter again you're gonna start to feel nervous again you're gonna start to feel bored again and that's the human experience I hate this happened to you and I am super jazzed up to see what you do next we'll be right back hey all of you stay at home parents out there listen up there's a blind spot that could wreck your family's future thinking that only the one earning the paycheck in your life needs life insurance coverage here's the truth even if you don't have an income what you do for your home is priceless it's critically important 24 seven child care preparing two meals a day plus lunches

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1:03:30zander with a z dot com or click the link in the description all right Kelly we have a my am I the problem but I have a another question asked you before this this is a new segment that I just invented called is it me yes yes yes is it me or can we be done with portals oh like every doctor's office has a portal and every not only at my kids schools not only does the school have a portal does my kid have one every teacher has a portal inside the portal and from that portal if a certain check boxes checked I get email correspondence for all and then there's the doctor portal and there's the dentist portal oh you had to go to a different doctor will you have to have the HMO portal that then goes to the different doctor portals listen Kelly listen we had this badass invention called a file cabinet and an even more awesome invention called manila folders and it seemed to work

1:04:34great for a long time if I never see another portal I would be a happy guy you won't be a happy guy then I tell you so is it me you actually get over my portalness no it's not just you but also don't think there's a way around it like so my daughter has a doctor's appointment an online doctor's appointment in the morning just a check up for some medication stuff and she's going to be out of town with my husband and I keep all the poor I'm the one that has all the portals I have all that but he's going to be doing the doctor's appointment and we I so I had to we had to get in the portable portal get in the lock ins because he can't do the doctor's appointment with her without it well okay that's the other thing about freaking portals every like it seems like every nine minutes I'm sure it's a little bit longer than that maybe 18 minutes I get some update that I have my password is expired I have to change my password so I change it and they're like well that's what it was last time and so you can't use that one but don't use the one on your bank and don't use the one on your retirement account not your life insurance not your job I got portals it work I got

1:05:39portals everywhere and you what else you know what else I think I think we're like being rounded up by big portal I think big portals coming for us and I also think this there's another thing going on in this country that I'm really pissed off about and it's the attack on knobs there's no more knobs you know what I want in my car a volume knob I just want to turn it the other night I lost my Roku remote I I just you know I watched on YouTube like an hour and a half whatever was on the river because I it was no knob on it I just want to push a thing and say change and they're like sorry you have to have our magical little little freaking device you know what else there's no knobs on doors anymore now it's just like be dee be dee beep in it can we just can we just man that's why I have kids they can go change the channel for me we don't need all this other stuff and God help us we have I can't do I can't I can't if I have one more portal the login too

1:06:42if I get one more email from like a four years ago teacher who's got like theater practice and I'm like get me out of your portal all right so my the problem go for killing actually on that note I think we're just gonna end by me saying hey folks we need some more of my other problems um and we have a new way for you to do that so you can still if you tell them to go to a portal you're off the show we will hey I'm not my words there will never be a deloni portal ever ever I'll put my foot down I'll quit I'll just I will go back to the street corner yelling out like mental health advice where I used to be before they found y'all found me like we can't go I can't I can't do it I can't I want a button I want a knob and I want to file cabinet I don't know why that is how we've spent a trillion dollars solving that problem and it was never a freaking problem to be solved it wasn't a problem it wasn't a problem I don't need to talk into my remote

1:07:48I don't I don't need to tell it because you know why pushing a button isn't a big deal it's just not a big deal it's not what dude listen all right say what you're gonna say what are you gonna say I press the button like 10 times and then hit it turn it off and then turn it off doing great what I never noticed you seem fine I thought the worst thing in the world was a square a Kia just in it makes me crazy square Kia drivers it's not it's the portals that's taken over it's taken over all right I'm done go ahead by the way you have spouses of two people in this room that drive those I know but I now that's a now on the job like on the application because I will weed you out there's no way Alex you would have made it through if I didn't know that we weren't married yet so oh yeah it was just some cool zebra print Kia it's even worse okay yeah my husband's is just black and it was a your husband has one well it was

1:08:50a default because it was a car your husband's the coolest guy I know it was because we had a car that died and then so my son had it and it was kind of one of those like he ended up having to drive it for a little while so kind of a thing yeah because the car he had died so and my son bought a car so he ended up driving it and anyway so if you haven't admired the problem I'm speechless I doubt that very very seriously very seriously doubt it if you happen to mind the problem you can still email us in john at john de launie.com slash ask you can still fill out the form we will still 100% take those but you can also call us at but with two teas eight four four six nine three three two nine one leave us a voicemail 60 seconds say that number again eight four four

1:09:51six nine three three two nine one leave a voicemail keep try to keep it around a minute if you can and at the beginning say your name where you're calling for him or whatever name and the happy location you want to choose and tell us I'm calling with him by the problem that way we know immediately because I get a transcript of the voicemails that way I know immediately that's what this is for. Ask your question and it has to be a question that we can answer without any followup so it can't be something that requires 20 minutes of of back and forth can't be one of the questions we take on the show y'all have heard enough of these and my the problems to know it's got to be just like hey am I wrong is my mother-in-law bad or you know whatever just get to the ask the question and we might play your voicemail on the show and then john will respond to it so that'd be amazing and then you respond with the correct answer to my response with exactly with the same person answer yes so yes send in your um in my the problem voicemails but can't wait to get them it's gonna I can't wait and join me in the fight against big portal together we can bring back file cabinets

1:10:55and knobs love you guys bye