Calm saving lives, paralyzed by a pasta recipe: ADHD and executive function (Jim Leitch’s story)

0:00Hi listeners, it's Laura from ADHDaha. Imagine this. What if when you were a kid, the adults around you could have actually stepped into your shoes and seen what it was like to live with ADHD, dyslexia, or dyscalculia. Now that's possible. It's called Through My Eyes, and it's a free interactive experience that lets you step into the world of real kids who learn and think differently. You'll hear their stories, feel their frustrations, and see the world from their point of view. Check out Through My Eyes using the link in the show notes. I was literally the only person in the hospital that could intubate this patient, so I had to be able to do it. You'd think with that stress, everything that's going on and the emotions behind it, that that would have been challenging. But if you would have taken my blood pressure at that point or my heart rate, it would have been the lowest it had been all day. I was the calmest in those situations, and I really couldn't figure out why. To the point where a friend of mine who was a nurse who commented at the end of one of these situations, Jim, why are you smiling?

1:05Hi everyone, and welcome back to ADHD Aha, the show where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. One of the things that has always fascinated me about ADHD is how for so many of us, because of our executive functioning difficulties, every day basic tasks can stress us out so much. But at the same time, when we get into emergency situations, we can feel so calm, cool, collected, as if we're in like the Zen flow state. Well my guest today is Jim Leach. He's a former critical care respiratory therapist, and he understands this dichotomy so well. Jim, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here, and thank you for writing in. Thanks so much for having me. This is a real pleasure. This is exciting for me. I've been a long time listener. Tell me when were you diagnosed with ADHD and what was going on? It's actually a bit of a slow burn. I had viral meningitis, and there was a lot of follow-up symptoms and things I had to work through, some pain involved as well. So I saw a psychologist to sort of kind of better deal with that, and then through that, I sort of rolled into my ADHD diagnosis.

2:12I always knew there was something going on with me in the way I sort of approached things, but I think that was when it really hit home, because when the psychologist was asking me lots of questions, and it was all litany of things that kind of goes, this is starting to kind of paint a picture. Interesting. Give me an example of some of the questions that were starting to paint that picture for you. A lot of it was around sort of the pressure I put on myself, even in that time, to kind of try to get back to work quicker. Then I really had to. So a lot of the questions were around what was driving that, the sort of this perfectionist attitude that I seemed to carry all the time, and then I had to kind of an anxious energy towards everything that I was trying to do. And then on the other side of that, it was this executive functioning challenge that I was dealing with. It was really good in an emergency situation, or if something kind of came at me and I could react to it, it was fantastic. But trying to work through a pasta recipe was like almost paralysis. It was like moving through molasses, I would say. Did you say a pasta recipe?

3:12I was going to say making toast or something, but I think I could actually do that. But pasta, you know, just sort of anything with steps. There was a good chance where I couldn't figure out where am I starting. How am I going to get to to the end, which I didn't deal with on the emergency side. Yeah. And I think the analogy used was like walking through molasses. That was the best way to explain it because everything just seemed to be heavier, harder. I was kind of dragging my ideas along with me, but I could never quite get to where I wanted to go. And I just didn't have a name for it kind of through my whole life. That was sort of the challenges. How am I going to get to where I want to go by kind of dragging myself? Do you have another example of, you know, how in your life the swapping through molasses was affecting you? Yeah. I mean, I think it kind of held me back from a lot of the things that I wanted to do because I just couldn't sort of properly plan for it. So anything that I had to kind of look into the future to achieve seem to sort of be the biggest challenge where I didn't know how to get started. I knew where I wanted to go. I knew, you know, that I had sort of maybe the creativity to do it or or or the ability to do it, but I just could never quite get there.

4:22Okay. Perfect example actually is is leadership in general and kind of where I find myself today. We finally got there after sort of a lot of the support that I've gotten, but I looked at it like, okay, this is a monumental shift from being a sales rep or working for a medical company, you know, in the past being a respiratory therapist. Now I'm supposed to lead a team of people. How am I going to do that? How am I going to organize myself around that? How am I going to get back to people on email and time? How are people going to rely on me when I feel like I can't rely on myself? So a lot of self-doubt sort of carrying me into this sort of idea of I don't know if I could do the day to day. I could think my way through it. The thoughts were there. The ideas were there. Yeah. I wasn't sure that I actually could deliver. That was one of the things throughout my life is if I can't deliver on something. Or if I feel like I'm not going to be the best that there ever was at doing that thing, then, you know, I wasn't going to attempt it. I do the same thing, Jim. Like I will mix up the kind of the higher level bigger grain size things with the lower level grain size things.

5:26Like you said in there, you had in the same sentence, how am I going to be a reliable leader, something like that? And how am I going to answer emails every day? And I think that that's a perfect encapsulation of how these things can get so jumbled up and almost feel like they're all of the same order when they're not really. And I think that's where a lot of us folks with ADHD can get tripped up. I think you're right. And looking back, working at a hospital, I was in situations where they're life or death, like some of the most challenging emotionally for people, but also just to kind of think your way through. In a very short period of time where you need to be on right now. And I actually found that less stressful than trying to figure out how I'm going to plan my way through my email and into your point that you just made. The email thing was a bigger deal in my head than actually the emergency room, you know, from just from a practicality standpoint.

6:31With the everyday tasks, the kind of executive function daily grind struggled, had this been a problem for a long time. I mean, my whole life, I think my earliest memory of, you know, something was in grade two. I was in a Christmas page and each kid had to say a poem. So I was super excited about that. And I remember getting my list of words and I memorized my poem, but I also memorized every other kid's poem. The night of the pageant, I step forward, I start saying my words and I'm saying the kid besides me, the his poem. He's outbuying me and saying, that's mine, that's mine. And I remember going, oh no. So I flipped into, you know, mine and kind of delivered it a pretty eloquent fashion, if I say so. But I remember hearing the family's kind of chuckle and laugh. And I get it now as a parent, you know, it's cute when that sort of thing happens. But I think at the time I was just mortified and now looking back, it's like sort of this, this kind of epitome of an ADHD moment where, you know, it wasn't enough to learn my part.

7:35I had to learn all of the parts. And then when it came to sort of deliver, you know, I said the wrong one. And it's funny because it was great to like, you know, who remembers grade two, but I remember that specifically. That's exactly what I was just going to say. Like those things stick with you because clearly, like even when you don't know what's going on, even at that young age, I truly believe, I don't know if they're science to back this up. But like those things leave a lasting impression when they are things that you particularly struggle with and they make a deeper groove in your brain that is not a scientific term. Nobody quote me on that. But I can just picture you as a kid getting so excited and really hyper focusing on the whole thing. And then when it came time to execute your step just going out of order, but it kind of got me thinking about that kid with ADHD. This is such a common thing for so many kids. They will actually get really excited about a particular subject in school and do all of their homework and do extra work and research. But then when it comes time to hand in the homework, they left it at home. Yeah. So they get a bad grade, but they did all the work.

8:37You know, it's one of those things where I remember I think it was grade four, grade three and they were doing phonics and you know, it was an example where I'm I'm reading. I think I'm fairly high level. I'm understanding the books. I'm trying to move my way through, but I think I was doing pretty good. I remember I was kind of moving through and but I wasn't quick at it. I remember sort of taking my time being contemplative reading, thinking. And I remember being judged for being a slow reader. And so I remember thinking back going, you know, no, I do understand, but, but sort of the judgment was, no, you don't. Like you're you're not keeping up. You're not able to do this to that sort of the, you know, the kind of the temples that we're setting. And for me, that was a big thing. And even at this point now, sort of how I handle, you know, leading people and or even just parenting my kids. I think about that a lot. Like what are the temples that are being laid out for them? And, you know, are they fair? Did they support them doing their best work? Yeah, I really feel that the just like if you didn't do it fast, then you didn't do it at all.

9:40Yeah, it wasn't good enough. Yeah, it wasn't good enough. Yeah, I think it sticks with you. And I think that's sort of where that perfectionist attitude comes from. I have to be good enough to be in the room. Yeah. Did you find yourself throughout your life with being hyper vigilance and almost starting to do things like too obsessively to avoid messing up? 100%. Like I actually kind of laughed because even just, you know, I was telling my wife doing doing this podcast. I'm thinking like, okay, I can't screw this up sort of, you know, I have to make sure I I enunciate properly. I do this. And then my wife looked at me goes, you're hyper focusing on the ADHD podcast. I just thought that was kind of kind of irrelevant, but I'm like, okay, yeah, that's a really good point. But I think, yeah, 100% playing conversations through your head could have had that conversation a little bit more effectively, you know, did I use the right words, especially when you're kind of leading people and you don't ever want to use the wrong words to kind of, you know, maybe take a moment that could have been a learning opportunity or a real positive, you know, moment for them and turn it into something else.

10:43So, you know, that's definitely something that I've kind of lived with. Tell folks what it is that you do. How am I vice president for a medical company? We do a human medical devices, anesthetic and difficult airway ventilation devices, but we also focus on the animal world. So I help a lot of, you know, animal rescues and aquariums and different things improve their skill set at ventilating their animals. Because surprisingly humans and animals are actually quite similar in that regard. So it's opened up sort of a whole new world for me. And then I have a team that that works underneath me that does the same. And I imagine that part of your ability to to climb and to be now in this leadership position was because you were so successful in like doing the actual work and executing work like this. Now I introduced you as a former critical care respiratory therapist. I know that you're in a different role now, but I was trying to make a point about how you are in emergency situations a lot.

11:45So let's talk about that. Tell me, how were you in an emergency? That was one of the most formative things I've ever done. Because I mean, it was my first career. So I went to school for it. What I really noticed was, and it was something that stuck with me and I didn't have a name for it. And I carried it with me for years. And then, and then finally was able to figure it out. But I would be in some of the worst situations. So I would be in a room where, you know, unfortunately somebody was dying in front of me or or not doing well. And then, you know, kind of being put in a position where I have to act. You know, one specifically, I was, was in a nice you in the middle of the night. And I was literally the only person in the hospital that could, could intubate this patient. Just because we were, you know, short staff. So I had to be able to do it. And you'd think with that stress and everything that's going on and the emotions behind it that that would have been challenging. But if you would have taken my blood pressure at that point or my heart rate, it would have been the lowest it had been all day. I was the calmest in those situations. And I really couldn't figure out why to the point where I had a friend of mine who was a nurse who commented at the end of one of these situations.

12:54Jim, why are you smiling? And I didn't realize in the middle of this stressful situation with this patient. I had a big smile on my face. And I think it was just sort of, you know, it was a place where I was at my calmest. I was able to react. Be in the moment, not have to sort of executive function my way through it. I could just do it. And what I found was those are the situations where I almost felt like a bit of a hate to use the term, but almost like a bit of a superpower in that place. Just because it was so stressful for so many people and it just just wasn't for me. Do you feel like you were hyper focusing? I guess hyper focusing in a reactionary state. Like it was coming at me and I was able to deal with it. And I think the great thing about that was I didn't have to plan for anything. I had my skill set. I knew what I needed to do and I just had to do it. And I didn't have a lot of time to think. And I think that was sort of a big part of it where contrasting that kind of doing my job. And doing my day to day normal, you know, planning to see patients, you know, I have to see these many patients in the day.

14:01The stress that went with planning and can I get to them all? What if I don't get to them all? Well, what if something happens and I can't see them and will they not, you know, get the treatment they need if I can't? Like so it was sort of the logistics would just get hung on bottom. It's just so interesting that contrast like one of the things that you just said is I didn't have time to think. ADHD is part of that puzzle, right? And it is fascinating to me the way our brains just trip us up with ADHD and to be able to somehow step out of that brain and to just go and just go and do something that has to be done in that moment. There's no decision making, right? You don't have to make a decision. Should I do this now or later? No, you have to do it now. And I think it's actually funny because you know, thinking even to what I'm doing now, it's carried through because anytime there's an emergency or a situation where somebody's having a hard time dealing with it and they come to me and say, Jim, I don't know what to do here. This is very stressful. It's almost like I snap into that type of Jim and I can kind of work through it with them in a very calm way, which has been helpful in this career as well.

15:08And again, in contrast to sort of having 8,000 emails and trying to find my way through them. So it's kind of a give and take. There's something even when the circumstances are dire or even scary. Again, take that decision making away from us. There is a relief in that. I am someone who has difficulty prioritizing what to do during the everyday average day. What do I do first? Sometimes I wish, even sometimes scary thoughts. I wish something would just happen that maybe not have to make that choice. So I was just forced to have to do one thing or the other thing. And what I found is I almost, and I think it's a trait that I've heard even on your show people describe. It's almost like you create your own sort of anxious moment in order to react to it. So it's something that I feel like I'm going to have a challenge with getting this project done or completing this. I'll create the emergency for myself. If it's doing it last minute, which is kind of normal, but even just within it, you know, where can I find an emergency? Where can I find a place to react and create some calm for myself?

16:20Totally. Yeah, wait, give me an example other than the, you know, just waiting to the last minute, which I think is what so many of us do. But do you have an example of another way you've created. We don't want people to create anxious situations, but I am fascinated by this. I learned this early on, especially when I became a manager is I, I, I would often put it out there. So if there was something that I thought was valuable to do, like a project that I wanted investment from a lot of my co managers would sort of be shy to sort of put it in front of executive for their input. I always did and I sometimes maybe even too, too quickly and to get by in. But what I liked is that I knew they were watching. And so now I had to deliver, you know, that had no choice. So I almost made it more challenging for myself, but, but at the same time because of that, I was able to find a way and deliver. And then I kind of became known for doing that, but going back it was that me trying to create some sort of anxious moment for myself.

17:21And creating a pressure cooker kind of just create that environment so that now I have to react in it. And, and it's likely maybe why I found my way into, you know, critical care, trying to find a place where, you know, I can operate under those circumstances. When you wrote in, you shared something about writing your grandfather's eulogy. And I'm wondering if you would share that with our audience and what that led to. That was, was interesting because, you know, it kind of was born out of my family weren't big. There were big on standing in front of crowds and giving eulogies or speeches or what have you. So it was one of those times where I thought I needed to do it because I wanted to make sure that my grandfather had his proper send off. So I wrote a eulogy for him. But what was amazing about that is, it came very easily to me, like just sort of the ability to kind of.

18:27See who he was, you know, what he meant to not just me to put other people and kind of put that into words in a way that kind of really got him. It just sort of flowed. And, and so I did it and, you know, family comment to done, you know, how well I had done at the time I was quite young. But also people surprised that I was able to do it because I was quite quiet shy kid. But in that moment, it gave me the ability sort of be the outgoing person that I wasn't able to be sort of 90% of the time. It's surprising in that you could do that public speaking and be in front of people or the active writing it or all of the above both. I think that that was the first time I realized like I could stand in front of people and deliver something emotional or or just just words in general because I was never was never my thing. And I think, you know, looking back, you're talking about Jim, give me an example of creating that anxious moment for yourself. So you deliver.

19:27That's a pretty good example of one. Once I got up in front of people and even now speaking front of two 300 people when I, you know, given educational session, I'm not nervous, which is insane. It's insane considering how introverted I've been in different parts of my life before you wrote that eulogy and delivered it. Why did you think that it wasn't something you were capable of doing? I mean, is it related at all to growing up with the sphere of making mistakes in front of people? Or am I reading too much into the other stories you've shared with me? No, I think it's exactly that I think. I think it's, you know, going back to create two in my. That poem really is a number on you. No, I'm just. You know, flash flashbacks and everything else. No, but I honestly, I think it, it's that where I avoided sort of coming out of outside of myself to kind of share things like that or to be sort of artistic or to kind of be outside of what I think the expectation is being able to express myself and something that was going on inside.

20:32And realizing I could do that fairly eloquently surprised me and then I, you know, kind of immediately knowing my brain. What does this mean? What do I need to do with this? How does this? How does this sort of work for me? And I do it again. And I actually took the opportunities after that to do it more and more and more and sort of enjoyed it. Found confidence in it, I think. It sounds like getting over some fears or working through some fears as well. I tell me if I'm taking too much of a leap here, Jim, but I just, I find that so many of us with ADHD, we grew up like, you know, some of us maybe went a different route. We were overly expressive class clowns kind of covering up mistakes. Others, you know, some of us have like gone into our shells because, you know, no matter how good we were at something, we would make so many little mistakes that would get us into trouble or make it so hard for us to be recognized for, you know, the knowledge and the intelligence that we have. I think it's exactly that. And I think, you know, when I was younger, I was always a great observer, kind of watching how people react to things and what makes them, you know, happy, what makes them upset.

21:40And even now as a leader, you know, sort of, I think one of the things that's made me, you know, good at this is I can see people, I think quite clearly. It's not a like X-ray vision. It's just that I care. So I'm kind of watching. And I think in leadership. In the past, I've seen a lot of leaders where, you know, I'm going to kind of create these assimilated, you know, cookie cutter robots, and they need to deliver on the thing we need them to deliver on. And if they're not doing it following these KPIs, and we need to sort of direct them into a better area. So my whole thing was trying to, you know, individually see people kind of understand where they're, they're strongest at with their gifts are and then kind of bring them to the needs of the company. But, but allowing them to be themselves while they're doing it. That's been the biggest part of kind of my leadership focus. And it's really worked well. Like the culture has always been positive from that. People feel like they're doing something meaningful. And I think that that maybe is and maybe you talk about reading into things, but it might be sort of my way of kind of writing the pageant, you know, seeing, you know, seeing people for sort of what they are and allowing them to be sort of themselves in their roles.

22:54And I've seen a real sort of shifting culture because of it. You know, throughout so much of what you've been saying today, Jim, there's just this ongoing thread of thoughtfulness and this genuine care for other people not only through your critical care work, but just how you want to interact with people and I find that really inspiring. So I'm grateful to you for that. Thank you. I mean, it's important to me because I think, you know, I knew how I felt when I was younger and I and through my life. And for me, it's like, how do I, you know, kind of be a part of that solution. Kind of help people sort of see themselves in their roles, make them feel like they can do it being themselves as opposed to trying to kind of effectively be something that they're not. If I can do that, then I feel like I've done something good for for the world around me. Is there anything else that you want to share before we sign off, Jim? I just want to thank you for for creating this platform because I think when I was younger, you know, there wasn't a lot around me that resembled me.

23:55At least I didn't know a lot of other kids that were kind of challenged the way I was challenged. So to kind of see the people that you bring on your show, you know, week after week and be able to relate and say, hey, that's, that's just like me. That's, that's something that I've been challenged with has been super helpful for me. So thank you for that. Thank you for listening and thank you for writing in. You did great. I know that you before said that you were a little bit nervous about coming out. Are you were a little perfectionist maybe, but I've been spending a lot of time writing. I've been writing on sub stack for my focus on the verb thing and focus on the verb meeting, focus on the action. Like what can I do to reduce the frustration of focusing on that point of time, but actually kind of doing something meaningful and inactive. And I think that's really helped being able to kind of get my thoughts out on digital and seeing them. And people can access that, right? That's on sub stack, focus on the verb on sets on sub stack. I write regularly there sort of my musings kind of like this, just to sort of try to make sense of my, my world and, you know, sort of how I'm interacting with it.

24:59It was lovely to connect with you today, Jim. Thanks for coming on. Yeah, thanks so much for your time. Appreciate it. Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own aha moment, email us at ADHDAHA at understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode. This show is brought to you by understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org slash give. ADHDAHA is produced and edited by Jessam and Molly. Say hi, Jessam and hi everyone and edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Kenney. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, production support provided by Andrew Rector.

26:00Brianna Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Kosher and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.