Divided Kingdoms

In this chaotic tour through 1 Kings and 2 Kings, your favorite godless duo wraps up the Deuteronomistic history by time-lining Israel’s slow-motion trainwreck into exile. We’re talking Solomon’s “wisest man alive” era that still somehow ends in idolatry, dick-led decision-making, and a kingdom split because his son Rehoboam is a petty little tyrant. From Jerusalem to Samaria, golden calves to pop-up worship centers, they drag every bad leadership choice that supposedly made God big mad—while also side-eyeing how convenient it is that women and “foreign wives” get blamed for everything.

Then it’s on to 2 Kings, where the divided kingdoms of Israel and Judah take turns face-planting into history. Assyria sacks the north, Babylon finishes off the south, and a parade of prophets—Elijah, Elisha, Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, maybe even Obadiah if the timeline behaves—show up just in time to be ignored. The hosts roast the idea that God is “teaching lessons” through mass suffering, point out how wildly unjust it is to blame entire nations on one king’s theology, and land on the real thesis: God is a retrofitted explanation for whatever political disaster already happened—a literal plug-and-play tool.

📌 Topics Covered:

• Solomon the “wise” king who still manages to get led astray by wealth, wives, and weaponized misogyny
• Rehoboam and Jeroboam: how bad leadership and rival worship sites fracture the so-called united kingdom
• Elijah vs. Ahab and Jezebel on Mount Carmel—fire from heaven, Baal drama, and theological dick-measuring contests
• The rise and fall of Israel (north) to Assyria and Judah (south) to Babylon—aka “covenant loyalty” spin versus obvious political failure
• Minor prophets in their actual timeline: Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Jonah and more, shoved back into Second Kings where they belong
• Why blaming entire national collapses on one king’s “idolatry” is morally disgusting—and historically lazy
• The hosts’ take that God is basically a political post-it note slapped on events after the fact: “This is why terrible or wonderful things happen.”
• A final “hopeful” note with a half-free king in Babylon… that doesn’t really fix the centuries of divine abuse and exile

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“It almost feels like God is usually like almost an afterthought in their stories because they plug him in post whatever happened.”

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