Gettin' Off Scot-Free

0:00On this episode of Risky, you'll hear Victor Ramirez. He took a tire iron from the garage where we grew the weed, and he put on the table and said this is what you're gonna do. And you'll hear Konamoris. It's a boob, and it's in his hand. And you'll hear Frank Trainor. I'm screaming so loud that I can't hear what anyone else is doing. We're saying at the moment. And me, Kevin Allison. On the show where people tell true stories, they never thought they'd dare to share. Folks, so many skincare products make huge promises they can't deliver. One skin was founded by four PhD longevity scientists, and they focused on one thing, skin aging. They tested over 900 novel peptides. They developed OS1, proven to address a leading driver of visible skin aging.

1:02It's the foundation of every product they make. So over time, you will see smoother skin, more tone and radiance, visibly fewer fine lines. I've noticed it. You know, the fine lines around the corners of the eyes, especially are so noticeable for me, much less so since I started using one skin. I've been getting compliments recently. People saying I don't look my age suddenly. Born from 10 years of longevity research, one skin is helping you unlock your healthiest skin now. And as you age, for a limited time, try one skin with 15% off using the code risk at oneskin.co. If you're a bad guy, you're not going to be able to find a skin aging. Please support risk and tell them we sent you.

2:05Fall never arrives all at once. Verse the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross. Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Or take off unwind in the Admiral's Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty vites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com Welcome back, Frickin' Frack. Welcome to the jungle. ABC Wednesdays. Abbott is back.

3:06It's going to be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. You don't think you run this school, but you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary. Anything can happen in the jungle, Frickus. All new Wednesdays on ABC and stream next day on Hulu. Alright, folks. This is Willow McKenna. Behind me now. And this is an episode we're calling Get Enough. Scott Free. Some pretty silly stories about absolutely appalling, baby. That everyone got away with. Now as you might know, at Risk Liveshows these days, we have a thing where we invite audience

4:10members to come up and improvise stories off the cuff for about five minutes. So in a little bit, we'll hear one of those from Victor Ramirez, who came up to share at the Risk Liveshows at the Philadelphia Fringe Bar in 2025. But first, we're going to hear a story by Konamora's that she shared at the It's Funny Now show in Los Angeles. This is a story that we call The Layover. So I had just gone to Japan and had the most incredible trip, but it was time to leave. So on my way back to the States, I opted to save a little money by having a four hour layover in China, which I was actually very excited about.

5:14I had never been and I was hoping to try some authentic Chinese food. So I land at Beijing International. It is the second busiest airport in the world. And I get off the plane. I'm still all zoned out from my trip, but immediately I noticed that the people there just feel very stressed out. Everybody is shoving and rushing and it just feels like chaos. However, I can get some food. I have to go through customs. So I get just herded into this enclosed, plexiglass security screening room where they order us to dump out our liquids. I did not have to wait for any checked bags. So I'm only like 15 people back. But we're just standing there. Nothing's happening. We're almost an hour.

6:15The line does not move at all. It finally starts just inching forward at a pace of like one person every 20 minutes. And all around me, people are growing anxious. And I can feel my zen leaving me. I can't see the front yet, but I hear this voice yell out. They're going through every inch of my bag. And the closer I get, the more I realize it's happening to everyone. Every backpack, purse, luggage is just being inspected. Peace by peace. So I start considering what's in my bag. Now first off, my backpack is just full of rocks. That's right. Both of the side pockets are just jammed full.

7:15While in Japan, I had went to the Thousand Tree Beach where I spent this magical day just collecting all these beautiful rocks to bring back for my collection. Because yes, I collect rocks. And my luggage is just brimming with gifts. I've got toys and food and sculptures. It took me hours to get everything to fit in this luggage. I had perfectly folded vintage kimonos. It was like the award-winning packing job. Okay. So I'm stressing out about them messing this up. There's a woman at the front who they order to take every coin from her change purse one at a time. And she's just losing it. She's like, but why every coin that's insane?

8:17And this woman has just become the asshole of the line. It's true. I realize that's what happens if you get to the front and make it take any longer. And ours are going by. It is just insane. People are freaking out that they're missing their flights. Children are crying and wetting themselves. This elderly woman collapses and says that they took her wheelchair. She's not supposed to be on her feet this long. And it is just a nightmare. I am hungry and thirsty and I have to pee so bad. And I finally make it to the front. It's my turn. The first thing they do is take my backpack, turn it upside down and just start shaking it. And I'm watching all of my carefully selected rocks just pouring out and most of them are falling onto the ground, just ricocheting around.

9:19So I'm very upset. I'm yelling, hey, those are special rocks. Please, pick them up. Pick them up. But they're ignoring me. And yes, I do realize that I am now the asshole of the line. So I'm still very upset about my rocks. And I'm trying to get somebody to help, but the entire security staff is just ignoring me. And they send my bag forward on the conveyor belt. When all of a sudden the alarm lights go off on the X-ray machine and the conveyor belt stops. And I feel all the anger of the entire line just focused on me. So the man looks at me, points at me and says, do you have a weapon? And I'm like, no, no. But the door's open and guards rush in holding assault rifles. Yes, the doors lock behind them and I just, the whole line just gasps with fear.

10:25And so he looks at me again and he turns the screen so that I can see it. And he says, and he's just getting angry and angry with me. And he says, is this an explosive? And he points to an object in the center of my luggage that looks exactly like Wiley Coyote's cartoon bomb. It's perfectly round with his little raised notch on top. And he's like, is this a bomb? And so I'm like, oh my god, oh my god. And I've realized what it is. You see, before I left on my trip, a friend had insisted that I go check out the largest sex store in the world, while in Tokyo. Yes. And he dared me to bring him back something weird. So now I'm trying to explain what that is. And I'm like, it's a, it's a, it's a press toy. It's just a press time like pointing to my own press.

11:28But nobody knows what I'm talking about. And he asks again, is it a bomb? And the guards are getting closer. So I'm freaking out and I start screaming, no, no. It's just a tit ball. It's a tit ball. It's, it's a weird tit ball from Japan. He opens my luggage and just starts taking handfuls out. Just all my perfectly packed stuff, the pristine kimonos just dropping them on the dirty conveyor belt until he finds it. And he pulls it up and it is a perfectly round silicone ball with a protruding red nipple. It's a boob. And it's in his hand. And I hear a couple people in the line shuckling, but his face just doesn't budge. He's just staring at me. So he drops it on top of my luggage. Just just, everything's destroyed and restarts the conveyor belt. So I have no time to process.

12:29I'm in shock, but I have to cram everything into my bag because my entire four hour layover is gone and my flight is leaving. So I'm running to the gate and I will admit that my bag feels much lighter without all the rocks, but I'm still very upset about those. So I get to the gate and the doors are closing. And I'm yelling out, wait, wait, please, wait. And I just barely get inside. And I get to my seat and I'm just trembling. And all I could think is I may be saved $100 to go through all that hell. Yeah. And I didn't even get to try authentic Chinese food. Okay. So I land at LAX. And my bag is flagged going through US customs this time. But I'm prepared. I'm like, oh, I'm starting to tell them about the tip ball, right? Like, yeah, so I have this tip ball in my bag.

13:32And the lady gives me a funny look and says, no, no, no, no, that's not it. She opens up my luggage and she starts going through, rifling through. And she says, no, no, no, we're looking for something long. And that's when I hear it, this very loud buzzing sound. Because you see when I was at the sex store in Tokyo, I may have gotten myself a present too. And I see her face realize what is in her as she's realizing what's in her hand. And this is no ordinary vibrator. This is the delorean of vibrators. It's got a rotating corkscrew shaft. It's like wobbly head, two pulsating, rabbit ear tentacles. And she just like her eyes open wide and she drops it. And she's like, turn it off, turn it off. So I'm trying to, but it's flopping around on the table.

14:34And there's too many buttons and it's all in Japanese. And I'm like wrestling with it. And people that are coming by and they're stopping and staring. And so I finally just rip it open and pull the batteries out. And she looks at me and shakes her head and just goes, girl. But she lets me go and I'm finally free. So since then, I have made a couple changes to how I travel. I stop opting for layovers. I stop bringing sex toys through customs, especially ones that are in the shape of a bomb or still have batteries inside. But I will never stop collecting rocks. Thank you. Thank you.

16:21All right. So this is odd first I have to say, this story's passed the statute of limitations. So anything that I talk about, like isn't really relevant anymore. So I grew up like a kid. My parents went around. My dad was like not around. My mom was an alcoholic. And then one of my good friends because I was 17 in the polka nose was a Helsingel biker who I helped grow weed. Weed was not legal. So you would go to jail for it. You would get in trouble all the time. So I was always messing around. But I was like a very entrepreneurial person. Now I'm an entrepreneur now and I do it the right way. I won't go to jail. But what happened was I had a lot of stupid friends too. We all just had, we're all dropouts, a lot of us emancipated, you know, drug problems. And this is like the polka nose. That's just how it was. We didn't have the internet yet so we couldn't find community. So one of my very good friends was an amazing shoplifter.

17:24And so he would always go and steal stuff and then try to sell it to us. So he would steal frying pans. He would steal like DVD players. He would steal makeup for his girlfriend. But then he would always get in trouble and go on probation. And I was like, dude, you got to stop stealing stupid stuff. And I wouldn't go to the Walmart or the big box stores with him because I would get very nervous because I don't want to go to jail. I don't mind doing stupid stuff, but I don't want to get caught for it. And I realized that if you were going to steal makeup, they would watch you. If you were going to go to the video game section, they would watch you. But at the time I was working in construction and I said, I need some new gloves and my friend, he brought me new gloves. He said, I stole these for you. They were really easy. And he said, these are the gloves you need. And I said, thank you. Why was it so easy? And he said, because no one watches the work wear section. And I said, oh, that's really cool. What else did they not watch? And he said they don't watch the belt buckles. They don't watch the country stuff because kids don't want that. And it doesn't have reso value. So I, as an entrepreneur, said, we have a great opportunity here.

18:27And so I grabbed my friends who all knew how to shop lift. And at the time, this is like odd to say 24 years ago, gift cards were still coming around. Credit cards were coming around. And one of the first companies were Walmart and Loes because Walmart and Loes had gas stations. And so I said, I know how we're not going to pay for gas for the entire summer. And so what I had my friend do was go and steal 100 pairs of work gloves from Walmart. And then we went to the other Walmart and returned them. Now that only worked three or four times. And let's say these gloves are $20 each. You know, we'd get, they would limit the cards to $500 each. So then again, being an entrepreneur person, I did the math. And I said, we need to get four cars with four people. And we need to go to different Walmart's over the day in the least amount of time to return these gloves. And that worked out. And as my business grew, my little group of friends grew as well.

19:33But the one thing you forget, and this is what they don't tell you in movies, but the Hell's Angel Guy did, was that when you're a criminal, like to succeed as a criminal, you have to be willing. And it's not like a regular job, right? Like you can't go to someone like, hey, you're fired. So I'm not going to pay you next week, right? And so what kept happening was the people that I would get to steal stuff with me for our group still did their side hustle of stealing makeup for their girlfriends and stealing frying pans for their parents and stealing things that didn't benefit the group. And so I went to my mentor, the Hell's Angel. And I said, what should I do? And he took a tire iron from the garage where we grew the weed. And he put it on the table and he said, this is what you're going to do. And at that point, I just was like, I don't want to do this. And so that summer, I think by like the 10th friend that got probation and went to jail. And by that time, the state police had been looking for us. And so I had a random phone call where a friend called me and said, ask me, and again,

20:35this is before the internet. So we weren't dumb enough to text these things at the time. But my friend was asking me very suspiciously, hey, can you get me some of those cards from that thing that you did? And I said, I watched a tough movie at that time. Movies did exist 24 years ago. And I said, I have no desire to discuss any of these things on the phone. I don't know what you're talking about. But my friends, they're all fine now. They went to jail. They got probation. We're all on rage. I didn't. So I'm still free. And I guess that's the story. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Folks, a big issue I keep in mind is just how important it is to be having high quality protein. The doctor I was seeing just the other day was telling me precisely that, with butcher box, you know you have got the highest quality protein. Eating in your freezer ready for you to prepare. Butcher box delivers 100% grass-fed beef, organic chicken, wild caught seafood, and more.

21:42It's like having the neighborhood butcher everyone wishes they still had. I love it at all. Stayed dinners. Chicken and rice. Shrimp pad Thai. It is so much easier when you've got the main event, the real deal, the protein. If you're looking for an easier way to get great meals on the table, give butcher box a try. Go to butcherbox.com slash risk. To get $20 off your first box, plus chicken breast in every box for life, or filet, or New York strips for a year with free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com slash risk. Again, that's butcherbox.com slash risk. Be sure to use our link so they know we sent you. I've been having a hard time trying to explain what Midnight Burger is. How about I let them give it a shot? Your podcast is amazing.

22:42There's such an amazing show altogether. There's a fact of Lee Ruin, all other audio dramas for me. You can't get people to understand the human being that happens in the Stam Show. Keep doing what you're doing because it's awesome. You might not think it, but you're far more important than you realize. Thank you. At the nexus of all things, there is a diner. Look for Midnight Burger on your favorite podcasting app, or just go to weopenat6.com. Fall never arrives all at once. Verse the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross. Hey Spotify listeners, when you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and

23:42convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admiral's Club lounge with curated self-serve offerings of party bites and refreshments. In flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi, sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com. This is Risk. This is Getkin Behind Me Now. And we just heard from Victor Ramirez, an audience member who volunteered to share about his wretchedly-sorted and reprehensible past. At the last risk live show we did in Philadelphia.

24:43But now Victor is working with an intimacy coach from sluddygirlproblems.com on launching a dating coach service at lorejo.com. And speaking of intimacy, before Victor, we heard a phonerably, erotic song called Tetboms by the one and only Taj-Eston loosely based on a story by Kona Morris, whose new solo show is also rather intimate. It's called How to Poop in an Outhouse at negative 72 degrees Fahrenheit, which received critical acclaim at the Edinburgh Fringe and the New York Fringe in 2026, winning multiple awards. Including an audience choice and staff choice. There are upcoming performances in New York and San Francisco.

25:44You can find Kona at Kona Morris.com. Folks, you know Risk is expensive to make and we struggle to break even so if you want to help keep the show alive, consider joining our Patreon. There's a new bonus story out for our Patreon members from Michael McFadden. On our Patreon, Michael McFadden who is now on the staff of the show. But he wasn't when he got up as an audience member to share this little story at a risk live show in New York. Sounds a little bit something like this. This group of teenagers on a slow night comes in and this one guy did not tell his friends that he happened to be definitely afraid of Dracula or vampires in general. And so I'm there. And then Dracula appears behind them and the guy immediately drops to the ground and starts crying. And all of his friends think it's the funniest thing ever. Meanwhile, I'm like, I'm not real a beetle juice. His friend is trying to talk Dracula.

26:45I see he hands him his keys to go hide in the car. And there are plenty more bonus stories over there on Patreon. Plus, free storytelling educational materials. You can watch our live shows from anywhere in the world. You can get an ad free feed of the podcast. But most importantly, you'll be making it possible for risk to continue to exist. By joining our Patreon or upping your current support level or you can make a one-time donation at riskstashshow.com slash support. Next up, a story from Frank Trainor Frank is the creator and host. Of the It's Funny Now show in Los Angeles. So here's Frank now with a story we call excited bad boy number three.

27:49When I was 14 years old, I was madly in love with my best friend, Clatta. And I was really ready to do whatever it took to show to her that I was ready to be promoted to boyfriend, of course. But here's the thing, girls, as you probably all know here, like bad boys. And that's not me. Back then I was very polite. I never got in trouble. I followed all the rules. I was basically a good boy. But even worse, there's nothing I could do because I was the type of boy that thought that wearing sandals with socks was a fashion statement. So there was not a lot that I could do. So one day I'm hanging out at the mall with Clatta and her friends and we're suddenly joined, I don't know, by these two bad boys from my school. And I know that I'm in trouble. These two kids figured out a way to sneak into the movie theater for free. And the girls are dying to do it.

28:51And I just want to die. I mean, the amount of authorities we're going to have to face if we get caught. More security, which if you don't know, it's terrifying people. It's really terrifying people. More security, they're really prepared. They're like, sweat people, but like with batons or something and better polish shoes. And then the cops, because of course we're going to call the cops because sneaking into the movie theater for free is stealing. It's a felony. So they're going to call the cops on us and it's going to be the worst. But what can I do? I have to say yes because I have no option. I'm a teenager. There's no way to have an individual independent thought on your teenager. We're a hive mind and I'm pretty sure we are out of our minds. So I'm going to have to go with it. So here's the thing. I then have to listen in complete fear to the plan from one of the bad boys. And he's like, so we're going to go through the emergency exit of the foot court. And then we're going to go to this staircase. And then we're going to go up two flights of tears. And then we're going to reach the emergency exit of the theater itself.

29:51So easy. And everyone is so excited. And I'm just giving these amazing Oscar worthy performance of this boy that I'm trying to be to seduce Clara, which is called excited bad boy number three, even though I'm not. But I got to do it. I got to do it. And so we go. We go through the emergency exit of the foot court. So far so good. We make it up one flight of tears. So far so good. We start making up the second flight of stairs. And that's when we hear a voice that says, what are you doing here? And we look up and we see this, this janitor lady that is coming down the stairs that sees us and everyone panics and screams. Maybe I'm just the only one who screams. I don't know because I'm screaming so loud that I can't hear what anyone else is doing or saying at the moment. All I know is that in the most George Costanza moment of my life, I start pushing out of the way. Everyone that I just referred to as a friend moments ago, including Clara, my best friend

30:54who I'm trying to show that I'm a bad boy worthy of her love. And it just run away through the emergency exit of the foot court all the way out to the street of them, out of them all and never looking back. And when I get there, I turn around and I'm all alone. And clearly everyone got caught. Everyone got caught. We're in so much trouble now. They're going to call the cops. And the cops are going to show up here. And I can't go in to see what happened to them because I'm going to get arrested too. And if I get arrested, then they're going to call my dad. And that's even worse. My dad is the most terrifying human being in the world. The cops ain't got nothing on my dad. My dad is a very serious man. His fairstreet, he allows for no mistakes. Once when I was seven years old, I was doing a magic trick for my family while we were having dinner and I was on the couch. And when I finished my magic trick, I went to get off the couch and I slipped and I fell on the coffee table that was made of glass with my hands first. And I broke it and I destroyed the glass and I cut my wrist really, really badly.

31:57But it was one of those cuts that like really don't hurt and you don't notice that you cut yourself. I'm going to realize that I cut myself when my dad got out from his chair to kick my ass for breaking the table. And I went and nothing happened because my dad saw that I cut myself and he stopped basically cutting my wrist, saved me from getting my head cut off. So that's who my dad was. So I'm terrified of my dad getting cut. So I'm just waiting there. I'm waiting for the cops to show up and run inside. And I'm thinking that like the cop cars are going to come from both sides of the street, like blocking the street, like in the movies. And all the cops are going to come to the cars like with their hands, guns in their hands and they're going to run in the mall and they're going to come outside with my friends and handcuffs and like with their heads covered and a swarm of reporters is going to attack them and harass them like, why did you do it? Was anyone else involved? And I'm going to watch everything from the side and then go home and watch it and then use with my dad who's going to be like, you better never hang out with those kids. And I'm going to be like denying them like Peter, denying Jesus three times on the side of the freeway by the way.

32:59But time goes by and no one shows up and I'm like, what's happening? What's going on? Oh, geez. Okay, I'm going to have to go in. I'm going to have to sacrifice myself. I'm going to see if I find my friends and see what happened to them and maybe I can call their parents in heaven or whatever. So I gather courage, I go in the mall and I look for them for a little while and I find them just hanging out, having fun, having a good time. I said, nothing had happened because clearly nothing happened. Nothing happened. Do you think that's when it dawns on me like, I'm the only one who freaked out and run away. All the show was decided to go, hey, what are you doing here? I'm going, ah, pushing everyone and running away. And they were like, what is going on with this guy? They probably just walked out and the lady didn't chase them. I mean, of course, what did I think that a janitor lady is going to be like, oh my god, no, those kids are trying to sneak into the movie theater. It's time to be a hero. This job deserves it and then chase them like, no, she was just cleaning sticky floor from the movie theater. She couldn't care less about this.

34:00She just want to go home and like continue hating her job. Normal person does. This all happened in my head because I'm trying to pretend to be something or not for a girl. So I stopped pretending like there's something that I have to prove to someone, particularly cladda and the bad boys. And that's how cladda eventually promoted me to boyfriend. And every time we went to the movie theater to watch a movie, I paid for the tickets. Because I'm a good boy. Thank you. This is risk. This is four walls behind me now and we just heard from Frank trainer. Frank is headlining the first night of comedic storytelling at the Hermosa Beach Community Center in LA on October 24th with a bunch of other folks who have been on risk. Learn more at his Instagram at Frank underscore trainer.

35:02Folks, people keep asking when's my next online workshop? When will it be? I'll tell you I have been so busy teaching workshops. It's just I haven't gotten around to scheduling the next one. But I decided while recording this episode, let me just set some dates here. Okay. So the next eight week online workshop that I will be teaching in storytelling. It'll be Wednesday evenings at 8 30 PM Eastern time starting on November 18th. We will take the last two weeks of December off for the holidays and then finish the workshop in the first three weeks of January. So email me at Kevin at wristesho.com to learn all about my eight week long online storytelling workshops. People love them. I love them. Let's do it.

36:02Let's do a November into January one with a little bit of break in the middle for the holidays. And folks, the next risk live show in New York is on Tuesday December 8th at 7 PM. You might be one of those audience members who gets up to volunteer to share a five minute story and end up on an episode like this. That is at caveat New York City December 8th 7 PM. You can all find all of you. I think I meant you can find out all about it at risk-show.com slash live. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk. I'm sure you'll find it right now. I'm sure you'll find it right now. I'm sure you'll find it right now.

37:03I'm sure you'll find it right now. I'm sure you'll find it right now. Fall never arrives all at once. Verse the air, then the light, and slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket needs a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross. Welcome back, Frick-a-freck. Welcome to the jungle, ABC Wednesdays. Abbott is back. It's going to be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up. And everyone's going wild. You don't think you run this school. But you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary.

38:04Anything can happen in the jungle. Frick-a-freck. All new Wednesdays on ABC and stream next day on Hulu.