Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners-John Bunyan

0:00If your dog treats dinner like it needs a better chef, check this out. Sunday's for dogs is the food that gets tails wagging at meal time. Sundays for dogs combines real meat with a gentle air drying process that locks in flavor and nutrition. It looks like food, not kibble. In an independent taste test, all 39 dogs preferred Sundays chicken recipe to a premium kibble. Make the switch today at sundaysfordogs.com and get 30% off your first order. Treat your best friend right and make it Sundays for dogs. Publishers forward and preface of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers. This is a LibraVox recording. All LibraVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibraVox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan. Publishers forward and preface. Publishers forward. John Bunyan was born at Elstow near Bedford, England,

1:02sometime in the fall of 1628, the first of three children born to Thomas and Margaret Bunyan. The Paris Register indicates that he was baptized on November 30, 1628. In Grace Abounding, Bunyan describes his descent as of a low and inconsiderable generation. He had particular disdain for his father's house. To him, it was of a rank that is meanest and most despised of all the families in the land. Sir Walter Scott thought John Bunyan was a gypsy descent because his father was a traveling tinker, a mender of pots and pans. But historians view the occupation as somewhat like that of village blacksmith. The Bunyan's were not homeless, they were landowners, but of peasant stock. Bunyan's schooling was of brief duration, and it wasn't long before he was assisting his father and learning the trade himself. On his 16th birthday, Bunyan joined Cromwell's new model army, introducing him to the Puritan movement. After this military stint, he settled down as a tinker, brazier, and married at the age of 20.

2:07In 1653, Bunyan joined the Puritan Free Church in Bedford, and in 1657, he took on his first assignment as a field preacher. At this time there were scores of men, most with little education, who were preaching to non-conformist audiences throughout England. With the restoration of Charles II to the throne, these preachers were suspect and subject to arrest. Refusing to refrain from preaching, Bunyan was arrested in 1660 and imprisoned for more than 11 years. Grace abounding to the chief of centers, written during this imprisonment, is the spiritual autobiography of Bunyan, the traveling tinker who became the imminent preacher and author. It is in the genre of Augustine's confessions and Thomas the campus's imitation of Christ. It is not a detailed account of Bunyan's early life, for it tells us very little of his youth, education, military experiences, and marriages. Written in 1666, Grace abounding chronicles Bunyan's spiritual journey from a profane life filled with cursing, blasphemy, and Sabbath desecration to

3:10a new creation in Christ Jesus. Some commentators on Bunyan's life and work are of the opinion that Bunyan wrote to disparagingly of his early life. George offer, editor of a three volume compilation of Bunyan's works, observes, a great difference of opinion has been expressed by learn men as to whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally as it respects his bad conduct before his conversion, or whether he views himself through a glass by which his evil habits are magnified. No one can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrates his bad as well as his redeeming qualities nor does his narrative appear to be exaggerated. Grace abounding is an autobiography that begins with guilt and despair and ends with a heart full of comfort, a thankful heart for grace abounding. Those who have read both grace abounding and the Pilgrims progress will realize that the Pilgrims progress in substantial measure is the same life as that described in grace abounding, but in allegory rather than straightforward narrative. George offer makes this point when

4:11he quotes a Dr. Chiever. As you read the grace abounding you are ready to say at every step, here is the future author of the Pilgrims progress. It is as if you stood beside some great sculpture and watched every movement of the chisel, having seen his design so that at every blow some new trait of beauty in the future comes clearly into view. Ernest W. Bacon in a recent biography based on the latest historical research makes the same point. The experiences he records in grace abounding are seen in the characters of the Pilgrims progress, and there is little doubt that he could not have written the great allegory had he not experienced God's saving mercy recounted in the autobiography. It has an undying vitality and perpetual youth about it is a record of pure to an experienced unsurpassed and a spiritual stimulus of great value. The importance of grace abounding is summed up by Hugh Martin. Grace abounding is among the greatest stories of God's dealings with the human soul to be put on the shelf beside such treasures as Augustine's

5:11Confessions, Law's Serious Call, Baxter's autobiography, and Wesley's account of his own spiritual travail. A preface, or brief account of the publishing of this work, written by the author thereof and dedicated to those whom God have counted him worthy to beget to faith by his ministry in the word. Children, grace be with you. Amen. I have been taken from you in presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie upon me to you word, for your further edifying and building up in faith and holiness, etc. Yet that you may see my soul have fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare. I now once again, as before, from the top of Shanaire and Hermann, so now from the lion's den's from the mountains of the leperds, Song of Solomon 4.8. Do look yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into the desired haven. I thank God upon every remembrance of you, and rejoice, even while I

6:12stick between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace and mercy and knowledge of Christ our Savior, which God hath bestowed upon you with abundance of faith and love. Your hungrings and thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father and His Son, your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also before both God and men, is great refreshment to me. For ye are my glory and joy, 1 Thessalonians 2.20. I have since you here enclosed a drop of that honey that I have taken out of the carcass of a lion, judges 14, 5 through 9. I have eaten thereof myself also, and am much refreshed thereby. Temptations when we meet them at first are as the lion that roared upon Samson, but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey within them. The Philistines understand me not. It is something of a relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very first till now, wherein you may perceive my castings down and raising up.

7:16For he woundeth and his hands make whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isaiah 38, 19, The Father to the children shall make known the truth of God. Ye it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai, Deuteronomy 4, 10, and 11, To see the fire and the cloud and the darkness that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of his wondrous works to my children, Psalm 78, 3 through 5. Moses, Numbers 33, 1 and 2, Rit of the Journeys of the Children of Israel from Egypt to the land of Canaan, and commanded also that they did remember their forty years travel in the wilderness. Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee, these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments or no, Deuteronomy 8, 10. Wherefore this I have endeavored to do, and not only so, but to publish it also, that if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what he have done for

8:20their souls by reading his work upon me. It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to be much observed unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in their generations, Exodus 1242. Oh my God, sayeth, David, Psalm 42-6, my soul is cast down within me. Therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan and of the Hermonites from the Hill-Mazar. He remembered also the lion and the bearer when he went to fight with the giant of Gath, 1 Samuel 1736 and 37. It was Paul's accustom manner, Acts 22, and that when tried for his life, Acts 24, ever to open before his judges the manner of his conversion, he would think of that day and that hour in the which he first did meet with grace, for he found its support unto him. When God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the wilderness,

9:23yet they must turn quite about further again to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numbers 1425. For though they sang his praise before, yet they soon forget his works, Psalm 106-11-13. In this discourse of mine you may see much, much I say of the grace of God towards me. I thank God I can count it much, for it was above my sins and Satan's temptations, too. I can remember my fears and doubts and sad months with comfort. They are as the head of Goliath in my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliath's sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels, for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God's deliverance to him. O the remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, of my great fears of perishing forever. They bring a fresh end to my mind the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven and the great grace that God extended to such a wretched eye. My dear children call to mind the former days

10:26and the years of ancient times. Remember also your songs in the night and commune with your own heart, Psalm 77-5-12. Yay, look diligently and leave no corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you. Remember your tears of conscience and fear of death and hell. Remember also your tears and prayers to God. Yay how you sighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill, Mazar, to remember? Have you forgot the close, the milkhouse, the stable, the barn, and the like where God did visit your soul? Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned against light, if you are tempted the blaspheme, if you are down and despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes, remember it was thus with your Father, but out of them all,

11:28the Lord delivered me. I could have enlarged much in this my discourse of my temptations and troubles for sin, as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my soul. I could also have stepped into a style much higher than this in which I have here discourseed, and could have adorned all things more than here I have seen to do, but I dare not. God did not play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me, neither did I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me. Wherefore I may not play in my relating of them, but be plain and simple and lay down the thing as it was. He that likeeth it, let him receive it, and he that does not, letting produce a better, farewell. My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to you and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land. End of Publishers, Forward and Preface. Part 1 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers. This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox

12:46recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org Recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan. Part 1 Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers or a brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor servant John Bunyan. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will not be a miss if in the first place I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedigree and manner of upbringing that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men. For my descent then it was as is well known by many of a low and inconsiderable generation. My Father's house being of that rank that is meanest and most despised of all the families in the land. Wherefore I have not here as others to boast of noble blood or of a high-born state according to the flesh. Though all things considered,

13:49I magnify the heavenly majesty. For that by this door he brought me into this world to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel. But yet notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to read and write. The which I also attained according to the rate of other poor men's children, though to my shame I confess I did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon my soul. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it was indeed according to the course of this world, and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience, Ephesians 2, 2 and 3. It was my delight to be taken captive by the devil at his will, 2 Timothy 2.26. Being filled with all unrighteousness, the which did also so strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child that I had but few

14:52equals, especially considering my years, which were tender, being few both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God. Ye so settled and rooted was I in these things that they became as a second nature to me, the which, as I also have with soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrifying me with dreadful visions. For often, after I had spent this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, labored to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid. Also, I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that, both night and day, and should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torment of hellfire, still fearing that it would be my lock to be found at last amongst those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of eternal darkness,

15:56unto the judgment of the great day. These things, I say, when I was but a child but nine or ten years old, did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins. Yeah, I was also then so overcome with despair of life in heaven that I should often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil, supposing they were only tormentors, that if it must needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor than be tormented myself. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot, for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them as if they had never been. Therefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to my lust, and delighted an all-transgression against the law of God, so that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that

16:59kept me company, and to all manner of vice and ungodliness. Ye such prevenancy had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world. In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me. I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should, so that, when I have seen some read in those books that concern Christian Piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God, depart from me, for I desired not the knowledge of thy ways, Job 2114. I was now void of all good consideration. Heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind, and as for saving and damning, they released in my thoughts. O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from thee. Yet this I will remember, that though I

18:00could myself sin with the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions, yet even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit that it made my heart to ache. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now, with convictions, but judgments, yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford River, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field with one of my companions, it chanced that an ador passed over the highway, so I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back, and having sonner, I forced open her mouth with my stick and plugged her sting out with my fingers, by which act had not God and merciful, I might, by my desperateness,

19:04have brought myself to my end. This also, have I taken notice of, with thanksgiving, when I was a soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it. But when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in my room, to which, when I had considered, he took my place, and coming to the siege as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with a musket bullet and died. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awake in my soul to righteousness. Wherefore I send still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation. Presently after this I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was to lie upon a wife whose father was counted godly. This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish, or spoon be twixed as both, yet this she had for her part, the plain man's pathway to heaven, and the practice of piety, which her father had left her when he died. In these two books, I should

20:09sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me, but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how he would reproof and correct vice both in his house and amongst his neighbors, what a strict and holy life he lived in his day, both in word and deed. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did begin within me some desires to religion, so that because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times, to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost, and there should very devoutly both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my wicked life. But with all I was so overrun with a spirit of superstition that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to the church. Counting all things holy that were

21:11therein contained, and especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt greatly blessed because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God and were principle in the holy temple, to do his work therein. This conceit grew so strong and little time upon my spirit that had I but seen a priest, though never so sorted and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him. Yay, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God I could have lain down at their feet and have been trampled upon by them, their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my mind, and that was whether we were of the Israelites or no. For finding in the scriptures that they were once the peculiar people of God thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should.

22:14At last I asked my father of it, who told me, no, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained. But all this while I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin, I was kept from considering that sin would damn me what religion so ever I followed unless I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of him nor whether there was one or no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearyeth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the city of God, ecclesiastes 10-15. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parsing made, his subject was to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labor, sports, or otherwise. Now I was not withstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith. Wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was,

23:19though never before that I can remember, but then I was, for the present greatly loaded therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended with a great burden upon my spirit. This, for that instant, did be numb the sinews of my best delights, and did embitter my former pleasures to me, but behold it lasted not. For before I had well-dined, the trouble began to go off my mind and my heart returned to his old course. But oh, how glad was I that this trouble was gone for me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without control. Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind into my old custom of sports and gaming I returned with great delight. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cap, and having struck at one blow from the hull, just as I was about to strike at the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul which said, will thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to

24:20an exceeding maze. Wherefore, leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for those and other mayon godly practices. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was fastened upon my spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had been at great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven, for Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to musing upon this also, and while I was thinking on it, and fairing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink and despair, concluding it was too late, and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin, for thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely amissable, miserable if I leave my sins,

25:20and but miserable if I follow them. I can but be damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins as to be damned for a few. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present, but yet I told them nothing, but I say, I having made this conclusion, I return desperately to my sport again, and I will remember that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort, than what I should get in sin. For heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think. Wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was set to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it, and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire. For that I feared greatly. In these things I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I offend this sort of speech. These were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires. The good Lord, whose mercy is

26:23unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions. And I am very confident that this temptation of the devil is more than usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slightly supplyeth with such despair that, though not much guilt attendeth this soul, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them that there is no hope for them, for they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go. Jeremiah 225 and 18 verse 12. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mine, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me about a month or more. But one day, as I was standing at a neighbor's shop window, and there cursing and swearing and playing the madman, after my wanted manner, there sat within the woman of the house, and heard me, who though she was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate that she was made

27:27to tremble to hear me and told me further that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she heard in all her life, and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in a whole town if they came but in my company. At this reproof I was silenced and put to secret shame, and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven. Wherefore, while I stood there and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn to speak without this wicked way of swearing. For, thought I, I am so accustomed to it that it is invained for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could never be. But how it came to pass, I know not, I did, from this time forward, so leave my swearing that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it. And whereas before I knew not how to speak, unless I put a note before and another behind, to make my words have authority, now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before. All this, while I knew not, Jesus Christ, neither did I leave

28:30my sports and plays. But quickly after this I fell in company with one poor man that made profession of religion, who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion. Wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical part thereof. For, as for paulsy pistols and scriptures of that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven, which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort. Yet now and then should break one and so afflict my conscience. But then I should repent and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again. For then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England. Thus I continued about a year, all which time our neighbors did

29:35take me to be a very godly man, and knew and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life in matters. And indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope, and truly, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful. Well, this I say continued about a twelve-month or more. But I say my neighbors were amazed at this migrate conversion, from prodigious profaneness to something like a moral life, and truly so they well might, for this my conversion was as great as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to praise to come in and to speak well of me, both to my face and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly, now I was become a right honest man. But oh, when I understood that these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly, I was proud of my godliness,

30:41and I did all I did either to be seen of or to be well spoken of by man, and thus I continued for about a twelve-month or more. Now you must know that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered, wherefore I should go to the steeple house and look on it, though I dursed not ring. But I thought this did not become religion either, yet I forced myself and would look on still. But quickly after I began to think, how if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam that lay over thwart the steeple from side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then rebounded upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the steeple door, and now thought I am safe enough. For if a bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls and so be preserved notwithstanding.

31:45So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go farther than the steeple door, but then it came into my head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought, it may fall for all I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I dursed not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head. Another thing was my dancing. I was a full year before I could quite leave that, but all this while when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or dead by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose but me now pleased with me. Ye to relate it in my own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I. But poor, wretched I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness, and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state of nature. But upon a day the good providence of God

32:47did cast me to Bedford, to work on my calling, and in one of the streets of that town I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door on the sun, and talking about the things of God, and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said. For I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say I heard, but I understood not, for they were far above, out of my reach, for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature. They talked how God had visited their souls with his love and the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular, and told to each other by which they had been afflicted and how they were born up under his assaults. They also discourseed of their own richness of heart, of their unbelief, and did contempt, slight and uphore their own righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do

33:48them any good. And, me thought, they spake as if joy did make them speak. They spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of grace, and all they said, that they were to me as if they had found a new world, as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbors, numbers 23-9. At this I felt my own heart being into shake, as mistrusting my condition to be not, for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts I took no notice of them, neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, etc. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them and went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me. Also, my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of

34:52a truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one. End of Part 1 Part 2 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan. Part 2. Therefore, I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away, and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition. And as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what a blind,

35:56ignorant, sorted, and ungodly wretched, but just before I was. The one was a great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual medicine on it, and all other good things which at any time I heard or read of. By these things, my mind was now so turned that at lay like a horse-leach at the vein, still crying out, give, give, Proverbs 30-15. Ye it was so fixed on eternity and on the things about the kingdom of heaven that is so far as I knew, though as yet God knows I knew but little, that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats could loosen it, or make it let go his hold. And though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I often found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven. One thing I may not omit, there was a young man in our town, to whom my heart was knit more than

37:01to any other, but he, being a most wicked creature for cursing and swearing, and horing, I now shook him off and forsook his company. But about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane and asked him how he did. He, after his old swearing and mad way, answered he was well. But Harry said, I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become of you if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chaff. What would the devil do for company if it were not for such as I am? About this time I met with some rancher's books that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteemed by several old professors, some of these I read, but was not able to make a judgment about them. Wherefore, as I read in them and sought upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should be taken myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am a fool and not able to know the truth from error. Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn this doctrine. If it be of God, let me not despise it.

38:05If it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter, only at thy foot. Let me not be deceived, I humbly besieged thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before. But about this time he also turned a most devilish ranter and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleaness. He would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit, and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I labored to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more and pretend that he had gone through all religions and could never light on the right till now. He told me also that in a little time, we should see all professors turn to the ways of the rancors. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith and became to him as great a stranger as I had been before a familiar. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling, lying in the country, I happened to lighten to several people's company, who, those strict and religion formerly,

39:09yet were also swept away by these rancors. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark, pretending that they had only attained to perfection that could do what they would and not sin. Oh, these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I be in but a young man in my nature in its prime. But God, who had, I hope, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to accept us such principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom, for I have since seen even the effect of that prayer in his preserving me not only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up sense. The Bible was precious to me in those days. And now, me thought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the Apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me, and indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation, still crying out to God that I might know the truth and

40:12way to heaven and glory. And as I went on and read, I lighten on that passage, to one is given by the Spirit the Word of Wisdom, to another the Word of Knowledge by the same Spirit, and to another Faith, etc. 1 Corinthians 12, 8 and 9. And though as I have since seen that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends in special things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word, I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this word Faith put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question whether I had any faith or no, for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that other good people had given them of God, but I was loathed to conclude I had no faith in my soul, for if I do so thought I, then I shall count myself a very castaway indeed. No, said I within myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sought, and that I want those

41:13blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have, yet at a venture I will conclude I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was showed me, and that too as I have since seen by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state had neither rest nor quiet in their souls, and I was loathed to fall quite into despair. Wherefore by the suggestion I was, for a while made afraid to see my want of faith, but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually against this my blind and sad conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, and so much that I might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no. This always running in my mind, but how if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell if you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain if I had not, I was to perish forever. So that, though I endeavored at the first to look over the business of faith,

42:17yet in a little time, I better considering the matter was willing to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But a last poor wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more how to do it, that I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art which I never yet saw nor considered. Wherefore, while I was thus considering and being put to my plunge about it, for you must know that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did here and consider the tempter came in with his delusion, that there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle, urging those scriptures that seemed to look that way for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was betwixt Elsto in Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had faith by doing of some miracle, which miracle at that time was this? I must say to the puddles that were in the horse pads, be dry, into the dry places, be you the puddles. And truly, one time I was going to say so,

43:18indeed, but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind. But go under yonder hedge and pray first that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me, that if I prayed and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith, but was a castaway and lost. Nay thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little longer. So I continued at a great loss, for I thought if they only had faith which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded that for the present I neither had nor yet for time to come were ever liked to have it. Thus I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance and so perplexed, especially at some times that I could not tell what to do. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus in a dream or vision represented to me. I saw as if they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, their refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in

44:23the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. Me thought also, betweenxed me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain. Now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass, concluding that if I could, I would go even into the very midst of them, and they are also comfort myself with the heat of their sun. About this wall I thought myself to go again and again, still prying as I went to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein, but none could I find for some time. At the last I saw as it were a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to pass, but the passage being very straight and narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-might quite beat out by striving to get in. At last, with great striving, me thought I at first did get in my head, and after that by sidelining, striving, my shoulders and my whole body, then I was exceeding glad and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

45:28Now this mountain and wall, etc, was thus made out to me, the mountains signify the church of the living God, the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were therein. The wall, I thought, was the word that did make separation between the Christians and the world, and the gap which was in this wall I thought was Jesus Christ, who was the way to God the Father. John 146, Matthew 714. But for as much as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty enter in their act, it showed me that none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless they left this wicked world behind them, for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days, all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home more broad

46:32in house or field, and should also often with lifting up of hearts sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress, for as yet I knew not where I was. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ, but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness, especially with such as these, whether I was elected. But how, if the day of grace should now be passed and gone? By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted, sometimes by one and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time that, though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me that I was, especially at sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires.

47:36It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runeth, but of God that showeth mercy. Romans 9-16. With this scripture I could not tell what to do, for I evidently saw that, unless the great God of his infinite grace and bounty had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire and long and labor until my heart did break, no good could come of it. Therefore, this would still stick with me. How can you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How then? Oh, Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you are not, said the tempter. It may be so indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had as good leave often strive no further. For if indeed you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved. For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that runeth, but of God that showeth mercy. By these things I was driven to my wits in, not knowing what to say or how to

48:36answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the question. For that the elect only attained eternal life, that I, without scruple, did hardly close with all, but that myself was one of them, there lay all the question. Thus, therefore, for several days I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was often when I had been walking ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind. But one day after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit. Look at the generations of old and sea. Did ever any trust in the Lord and was confounded? At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul. For thus, at that very instant it was expounded to me, begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the revelations, and see if you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord and was confounded. So, coming home,

49:41I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying, not doubting, but to find it presently, for it was so fresh and with such strength and comfort on my spirit that I was as if it talked with me. Well, I looked, but I found it not. Only in a boat upon me. Then I did ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly end with such comfort and strength, seasoned abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not, but it was in holy scripture. Thus I continued above a year and could not find the place. But at last, casting my eye into the apocrypha books, I found it in ecclesiasticus 2.10. This at the first did somewhat daunt me, but because by this time I had gotten more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet for as much as this sentence was the sum and substance

50:44of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it, and I blessed God for that word, for it was of God to me, that word doth still at times shine before my face. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me. But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you oversteered the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this. But how if the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford and suggested thus unto me, that these beings converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so, wherefore I went up and down be moaning my sad condition, counting myself far worse than the thousand fools, for standing off thus long and spending so many years in sin as I had done. Still crying out, oh that I had turned sooner,

51:50oh that I had turned seven years ago. It made me also angry with myself to think that I should have no more wit, but to try to flow away my time till my soul and heaven were lost. But when I had been long vexed with this fear and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind. Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled, and yet there is room. Luke 14, 22, and 23. These words, but especially them, and yet there is room, were sweet words to me. For truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me, and moreover that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me, and that He, knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then barely believed.

52:52In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while, and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak these words on purpose for my sake. For I did then think, verily, that He did on purpose speak them, to encourage me with all. But I was not without my temptations to go back again. Temptations, I say, both from Satan, my own heart, and carnal acquaintance. But I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode as it were continually in my view. I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said, he had given him all the kingdoms of the earth, Daniel 5.19. Yet I thought, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hellfire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me? I was almost made about this time to see something concerning the beast that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of men, the clean, types of them that were the

53:54people of God. But the unclean types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read that the clean beasts chewed the cudd. That is, thought I, they showed us we must feed upon the word of God. They also parted the hoof. I thought that signified we must part if we would be saved with the ways of ungodly men. And also in further reading about them, I found that though we did chew the cudd as the hair, yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we did not chew the cudd as the sheep, we were still for all that but unclean. For I thought the hair to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin, and that the swine was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout due to the ronomy 14. After this I found by reading the word that those that must be glorified with Christ and another world must be called by Him here, called to the partaking of a share in his

54:57word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit, and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed forfeit the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above. Here again I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called, for thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good. None but those who are affectionately called and heareth the kingdom of heaven, but oh how I now love those words that speak of a Christian's calling, as when the Lord said to one, follow me, and to another, come after me, and oh thought I that he would say so to me too, how gladly would I run after him. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ, and did also see at that day such glory in a converted state that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold could have been gotten for gold what could I have

56:01given for it. Had I a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this that my soul might have been in a converted state. How lovely now was everyone in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage, Psalm 166. But that which made me sick was that of Christ in Mark. He went up into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they came unto him, Mark 313. This scripture made me faint and fear yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he called whom he would. But oh the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished would I have been in their clothes, would I have been born Peter, would I

57:04have been born John, or would I have been by and heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, oh Lord call me also, but oh I feared he would not call me. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed me nothing, either that I was already or should be called here after. But at last after much time spent and many groanings to God that I might be partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that word came in upon me. I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion, Joel 321. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God, and signify unto me that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted to Christ. End of Part 2 Part 3 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers

58:05This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, Recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan, Part 3 About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition which, when they heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think but from little grounds. But he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others about the dealings of God with the soul, from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart. For as yet I knew no great matter therein, but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly put forth

59:06themselves within me, and wicked thoughts and desires which I did not regard before, my desires for heaven and life began to fail. I found also that whereas my soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity. Yame my heart would not be moved to mind that that was good, it began to be careless both of my soul and heaven. It would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty, and was as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying. Nay thought I, now I grow worse and worse, now my farther from conversion than ever I was before. Therefore I began to sink greatly in my soul and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a stake, I could not believe that Christ had loved for me. Alas, I could neither hear him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savor any of his things. I was driven as with the tempest, my heart would be unclean that canonites would dwell in the land. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people

1:00:12of God, which, when they heard, they would pity me and would tell me of the promises. But they had as good have told me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise, and as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against me, and I saw I had a heart that would sin and that lay under a law that would condemn. These things have often made me think of that child which the Father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed foaming, loop nine forty-two, mark nine twenty. Further in these days, I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord and against his holy word. I have found my unbelief to set as it were the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that too, even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, good Lord, break it open, Lord break these gates of brass and cut these bars of iron asunder, Psalm 107-16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a

1:01:16peaceable pause, I girded thee, though thou hast not known me, Isaiah 45-5. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now. I dirt not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch. I could not now tell how to speak my words for I fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said? I found myself as on a myri bog that shook if I did but stir, and was there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me, only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ because I had been a sinner. I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found but in the person of Jesus Christ. But my original and interpollution,

1:02:22that, that was my plague and my affliction, that I say at a dreadful rate always putting forth itself within me, that I had the guilt of to amazement. By reason of that I was more loathes him in my own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too. Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart as water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that everyone had a better heart than I had. I could have changed heart with anybody. I thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vioness deeply into despair, for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure thought I, I am forsaken of God, sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind, and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder. The one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they

1:03:27should live here always. The other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord thought I, what a do is hear about such little things as these, what seeking after carnal things by some and what grief in others for the loss of them. If they so much labor after and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitted and prayed for? My soul is dying, my soul is damning, where my soul but in a good condition, and where I but sure of it, oh how rich I should esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water. I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens, a wounded spirit who can bear. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind, for I found that, unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is by the blood of

1:04:29Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind than better. Therefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off, and if it was going off without it, for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away. Then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin and hellfire upon my spirits, and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the blood of Christ and by the application of I mercy through him to my soul. For that scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood, is no remission. He brews 922. And that which made me the more afraid of this was because I had seen some who, though when they were under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray, but they seeking rather present ease from their trouble than pardon for their sin cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind, and therefore having it got off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them, but they grew harder and blinder and more wicked after

1:05:34their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more that it might not be so with me. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a reprobate. I counted man as unconverted, the most doful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition I counted myself alone and above the most of men unblessed. Yeah, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation of all creatures in the visible world, but by sin he has made himself the most ignitable. The beast, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition for they had not a sinful nature. They were not obnoxious in the sight of God. They were not to go to hell fire after death. I could therefore have rejoiced had my condition been as any of theirs. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was come I heard one preach a

1:06:34sermon upon those words in the song, four-one. Behold, thou art fair my love. Behold, thou art fair. But at that time he made these two words my love, his chief and subject matter, from which after he had a little open the text he observed these several conclusions. One, that the church and so every saved soul is Christ's love when loveless. Two, Christ's love without a cause. Three, Christ's love when hated of the world. Four, Christ's love when under temptation and under desertion. Five, Christ's love from first to last. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to the application of the fourth particular. This was the word he said. If it be so that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and desertion, then poor tempted soul when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation and the hiding of God's face yet think on these two words, my love still. So as I was a going home these words came

1:07:42again into my thoughts, and I will remember as I came in I said thus in my heart. What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my spirit. Thou art my love. Thou art my love. Twenty times together, and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up. But being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, but is it true? But is it true? At which that sentence fell in upon me. He, wisdom not that it was true which was done by the angel, X-129. Then I began to give place to the word, which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul. Thou art my love. Thou art my love. And nothing shall separate thee from my love. And with that Romans 839 came into my mind. Now as my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me. Ye I was now so taken with the love and

1:08:47mercy of God that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home. I thought I could have spoken of his love and of his mercy to me even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed land before me. Had they been capable to have understood me? Wherefore I said in my soul with much gladness, well I would I had a pen and ink here. I would write this down before I go any farther, for surely I will not forget this forty years hence. But alas, within less than forty days, I began to question all again, which made me begin to question all still. Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savor of it. Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much followed by this scripture. Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you. Luke 2231. And sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yay, and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some

1:09:52man had behind me called to me, being at a great distance me thought he called so loud. It came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer and to watchfulness. It came to acquaint me that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not. Also as I remember that time that it called to me so loud was the last time that it sounded in my near, but me thinks I hear it still with what allowed voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in my ears. I thought verily as I had told you that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me, and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud meant me. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound, which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming. Only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind to think what should be the reason that this scripture and that at this rate so often and so

1:10:53loud should still be sounding and rattling in my ears. But, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before. It came stealing upon me now by one piece, then by another. First all my comfort was taken from me. Then darkness seized upon me, after which whole floods of blasphemies both against God, Christ, and the scriptures were poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his only beloved son, as whether there were in truth a God, or Christ, or no, and whether the Holy Scriptures were not rather a fable and cunning story than the Holy and pure Word of God. The Tempter would also much assault me with this. How can you tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their Muhammad the Savior as we have to prove our Jesus is? And could I think that so many ten

1:11:59thousands in so many countries and kingdoms should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven? If there were indeed a heaven in that we only who live in a corner of the earth should alone be blessed therewith. Everyone does think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors and pagans, and how, if all our faith and Christ and scriptures should be, but I think so too. Sometimes I have endeavour to argue against these suggestions and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them, but alas, I quickly felt when I thus did such arguments as these would return again upon me. Though we made so great a matter of Paul and of his words, yet how could I tell him, but that in very deed he, being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions and also take both that pains and travail to undo and destroy his fellows? These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit and it so overweigh my heart, both with their number,

1:13:02continuance and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me, and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else, and also concluded that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind. Only by the distaste they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them, but this consideration I then only had when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise and strength and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were berry, all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his son and of the Scriptures. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil. At other times again I thought I should be bereft of my wits, for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him spoken of, presently some

1:14:06most horrible blasphemous thought, or other, would bolt out of my heart against him, so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there were no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me. These things did sink me into very deep despair, for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations have been with force upon me, did compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gypsy half by force took up under her apron and is carrying from friend and country, kick sometimes I did and also scream and cry, but yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul and of the evil spirit that did possess him, and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his, for Samuel 1614. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempers so provoke me to desire to sin that sin that I was as if I could not,

1:15:09must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed that. Now no sin would serve, but that, if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no, and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me that often I have been ready to clack my hand under my chin to hold my mouth from opening, and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some muck-hill hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking. Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad and counted the estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mind, and such as my companions was. Ye gladly would I have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.

1:16:13That scripture did also tear and rid my soul in the midst of these distractions. The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up myer and dirt. There is no peace, sayeth my God, to the wicked, Isaiah 57, 20, 21. And now my heart was at times exceeding hard, if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear I could not shed one. No, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin, and others again could rejoice and bless God for Christ, and others again could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God, while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone. I should therefore much be whale my hard half, but get out of, or get rid of, these things I could not. While the stemptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with soar and great

1:17:16affliction. Ye then was I most distressed with blasphemies. If I have been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair would hold me as captives there. If I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read. Sometimes again my mind would be so strangely snatched away and possessed with other things that I hadn't either known nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time. Sometimes I have thought I should see the devil. Nay thought I have felt him behind me, pull my clothes. He would be also continually at me in the time of prayer to have done. Break off, make haste, you have prayed enough and stay no longer, still join my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these that I must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that fall down, or if thou wilt fall down and worship me, Matthew 4 or 9. Also when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty,

1:18:23I have labored to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then with great force hath the tempter labored to distract me and confound me, and to turn away my mind by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a bull, or bessum, or the like, as if I should pray to those. To these he would also at sometimes, especially, so hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God and the reality of the truth of his gospel, but oh, how would my heart at such times put forth itself with inexpressible grunnings? My whole soul was then in every word. I should cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me, but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these. I should think that God didn't mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the Holy Angels, this poor, simple wretch does hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy,

1:19:24but to bestow it on such as he, alas, poor fool, how art thou deceived? It is not for such as thee to have favor with the highest. Then hath the tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these. You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you. This frame shall not last always. Many have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal, and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before my eyes. Then I should be afraid that I should do so too, but thought I am glad this comes into my mind. Well, I will watch and take what he'd I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you, I will cool you insensibly by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith ye, though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last. Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will plight close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet if I can pull you from

1:20:28this fire, I shall have you cold before long. End of Part 3 Part 4 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers. This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers, by John Bunyan, Part 4. These things brought me into great straits. For as I had present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit. For time would make me forget all, and where even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of my mind and thought. But I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crime, but rather did put me more upon it,

1:21:28like her who met with the adulterer, Deuteronomy 22, 27. In which days that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while. I am persuaded that neither height nor depth nor life, etc., shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus, Romans 8.38, and now I hope long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of heaven. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me. That in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter. That though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, my Father thou art the guide of my youth and should return unto him. I had also once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 521, for he have made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him. I remember also that one day,

1:22:29as I was sitting in a neighbor's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind, what ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word came suddenly upon me, what shall we then say to these things, if God before us, who can be against us? Romans 8.31. That also wasn't help unto me, because I live, ye shall live also, John 14.19. But these were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present, only they lasted not, but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me to heaven again, Acts 10.16. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me, and indeed did quite not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof, for the temptation was removed, and I was put into

1:23:31my right mind again, as other Christians were. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came in my mind, he hath made peace through the blood of his cross, Colossians 1-20, by which I was made to see, both again and again and again, that day that God and my soul were friends by this blood. Ye I saw that the justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this blood. This was a good day to me, I hope I shall not forget it. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house and musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me. For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same, that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver them, who, through fear of

1:24:31death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage. Hebrews 2, 14, and 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as I sat, yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace. At this time also, I sat under the ministry of Holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those faults and unsound rest, that by nature we are prone to take and make to our souls. He pressed us up to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust, as from this or that or any other man or men, but to cry mildly to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own spirit in the Holy Word. For, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if strongly you not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strengthen now to resist as once you thought you had. This was as seasonable to my soul

1:25:38as the former and latter reign in their season. For I had found, and that, by sat experience, the truth of these his words, for I had felt what no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost. Therefore, I found my soul through grace very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertain to God's glory and mine own eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven. For now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference between the notions of flesh and blood and the revelations of God in heaven. Also a great difference between that faith that is fain, and according to man's wisdom, and of that which comes by a man's being born there too of God, Matthew 16, 15 through 17, and 1 John 5-1. But oh now how was my soul led from truth to truth by God, even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second coming from heaven to judge the world? Truly I then found upon this account the great God

1:26:43was very good unto me. For to my remembrance there was not anything that I then cried up to God to make known and reveal unto me, but he was pleased to do it for me. I mean not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Me thought I saw with great evidence from the relation of the four evangelists the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgment. Me thought I was as if I had seen him born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk through this world from the cradle to his cross, to which also when he came I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this his progress that dropped on my spirit he was ordained for the slaughter, 1 Peter 1, 19 and 20. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection and have remembered that word touch me not Mary, etc. I have seen as if

1:27:44he leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that he was risen again and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes, John 20, 17. I have also in the spirit seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world with glory and have been confirmed in these things by the Scriptures following. Acts 1, 9 and 10, Acts 7, 56, Acts 10, 42, Hebrews 7, 24, Hebrews 8, 3, Revelation 1, 18, 1 Thessalonians 4, 17, and 18. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as God and God as well as man, and truly in those days let men say what they would unless I had it with evidence from heaven all was as nothing to me. I counted not myself set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point and could not tell how to be resolved. At last,

1:28:45that in the fifth of the revelations came into my mind, and I beheld and low in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders stood a lamb. In the midst of the throne thought I there is his Godhead. In the midst of the elders there is his manhood, but oh, me thought this did glister. It was a goodly touch and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other Scripture also did help me much in this. To us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be on his shoulder, and his name shall be called wonderful, counselor, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, etc., Isaiah 9, 6. Also besides these teachings of God and his word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm in me these things. The one was the error of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin. For as the Quakers did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the Scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.

1:29:48The errors that this people then maintained were, one, that the Holy Scriptures were not the Word of God, two, that every man in the world had the Spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc., three, that Christ Jesus, as crucified and died 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people. Four, that Christ's flesh and blood was within the saints. Five, that the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church are, shall not rise again. Six, that the resurrection is passed, was good men already. Seven, that that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary and the land of Canaan by Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry heavens. Eight, that he should not, even the same Jesus, that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day, and as man judge all nations, etc. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures and was,

1:30:52through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth. And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much. For still, as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again and again and again, and that too sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends, cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you, there is none teacheth like Him. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you, in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ and how He did, that He might do so, lead me into His words. Yay, and also how He did open them unto me, make them shine before me and comfort me over and over, both of his own being and the being of his Son and Spirit and Word and Gospel. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, He was pleased to take this course with me, first to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to me, as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to

1:31:57the ground therewith. And then the Lord would show me the death of Christ. Yay, and so sprink of my conscience with His blood that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience where, but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God through Christ. Now, had I an evidence, as I thought of my salvation from heaven, with many golden seals thereon all hanging in my sight, now could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace with comfort, and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might forever be inflamed with the sight, enjoy and communion with Him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spin on and body broken, and soul made in offering for my sins. For, whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now me thought I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discerned, and oh thought I, that I were forescore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

1:33:02But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had written some hundreds of years before I was born. For those who had written in our days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had written only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the god in whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand one day a book of Martin Luther. It was his comment on the Galatians. It also was so old that it was ready to fall peace from peace if I did, but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hands, the witch, when I had, but a little way perused, I found my condition, in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel, for thus thought I.

1:34:04This man could not know anything of the state of Christians now, but must needs right and speak the experience of former days. Besides, he death most gravely also in that book debate of the rise of these temptations, namely blasphemy, desperation and the like, showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death and hell, hath a very great hand therein, the witch at first was very strange to me. But considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing. Only this, me thinks, I must let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, except in the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly. Oh, me thought, my soul cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him, I felt love unto him as hot as fire. And now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest, but I did quickly find that

1:35:05my great love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle. God can tell how to obey us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this, my love was tried to purpose. For after the Lord had in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his Holy Gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in his love through Christ. The tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before. And that was to sell in part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep. And though in

1:36:05my judgment I was persuaded that those who were once effectually in Christ, as I hoped through his grace, I had seen myself, could never lose him forever, for the land shall not be sold forever, for the land is mine, say of God. Leviticus 25-23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus that had done for me as he had done, and yet then I had almost none others but such blasphemous ones. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavor to resist it, then in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strengthen thereof. For it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermixed itself therewith, and such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast my eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come. Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that. Sell him, sell him. Sometimes it would run in my

1:37:10thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together. Sell him, sell him, sell him. Against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest happily before I were aware some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent thereto, and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together. This temptation did put me to such scares lest I should at sometimes I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind and laboring to gain say and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows. Still answering as fast as the destroyer said, sell him, I will not. I will not, I will not, I will not, no not for thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults set too

1:38:10low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was or how to be composed again. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet, but for sooth when I was set at the table at my meat I must go hints to pray, I must leave my food now and just now so counterfeit holy also with this double-be. When I was thus tempted I should say in myself, now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now or you will displease God and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things, and because of the sinfulness of my nature imagining that these things were impulses from God I should deny to do it as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty because I did not obey a temptation of the devil as if I had broken the law of God indeed. But to be brief, one morning as I did lie in my bed I was at other times most fiercely assaulted with this temptation to sell and part with Christ. The wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him as fast as a man could speak

1:39:17against which also in my mind as at other times I answered no, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. But at last after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath I felt this thought pass through my heart. Let him go, if he will. And I thought also that I felt my heart freely consent there too. Oh, the diligence of Satan, oh, the desperateness of man's heart. Now was the battle one, and down I felt as a bird that it shocked from the top of a tree into great guilt and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed I went moping into the field. But God knows with as heavy a heart as mortal man I think could bear, where for the space of two hours I was like a man bereft of life and has now passed all recovery and bound over to eternal punishment. And with all that scripture did seize upon my soul, or profane person as he saw who for one more syllable of meat sold his birthright. For he

1:40:20know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected. For he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Hebrews 12, 16, and 17. Now was I as one bound. I felt myself shut up onto the judgment to come. Nothing now for two years together would abide with me but damnation and an expectation of damnation. I say nothing now would abide with me but this saves some few moments for relief as in the sequel you will see. These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock one day as I was walking under a hedge full of sorrow and guilt God knows and bemoaning myself for this hard hap that such a thought should arise within me. Suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me. The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit with that this word took hold upon me. The blood of Jesus

1:41:22Christ his son cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John 1, 7. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul and me thought I saw as if the temperature did lear and steal away from me as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin and the blood of Christ thus represented to me that my sin when compared to the blood of Christ was no more to it than this little clot or stone before me is to this vast and wild field that I see here. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours in which time also me thought I saw by faith the Son of God as suffering for my sins but because it tarried not I therefore sunk in my spirit under exceeding guilt again. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau selling of his birthright, for that scripture would lie all day long all the week long, ye all the year long in my mind and hold me down so that I could by no means lift up myself. For when I would strive to turn

1:42:23me to this scripture or that for relief still that sentence would be sounding in me. For you know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears. Sometimes also I should have a touch from that in Luke 2232. I have prayed for thee that thy faith failed not, but it would not abide upon me, neither could I indeed when I considered my state find ground to conceive in the least that there should be the root of that grace within me having sinned as I had done. Now was I torn and rent in heavy case for many days together. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin and to search in the word of God if I could in any place as spy a word of promise or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Therefore I began to consider that third of mark all manner of sins and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto the sons of men

1:43:24wherewithsoever they shall blaspheme. Which place me thought at a blush did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offenses. But considering the place more fully I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had while in a natural state committed such things as there are mentioned. But not to me who had not only received light and mercy but that had both after and also contrary to that so slided Christ as I had done. End of Part 4 Part 5 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan. Part 5

1:44:26I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable of which he there thus speaketh, but he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiven us, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark 329 And I did the rather give credit to this because of that sentence in the Hebrews, for ye know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected, for he found no place ever repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And this stuck always with me. And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know as now what it was to be weary of my life and yet afraid to die. Oh how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself, anything but a man, and in any condition but my own, for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression and to be saved from wrath to come.

1:45:27And now began I to labor to call again time that was past, wishing a thousand times twice told that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin, concluding with great indignation both against my heart and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces than found a consentor there too. But alas, these thoughts and wishes and resolvings were now too late to help me. The thought had passed my heart. God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh thought I, that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me, Job 29 too. Then again, being low than unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery and murder and found them most heinous crimes and those two committed after light and grace received. But yet by considering, I perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent

1:46:32of his word, deliver him. But mine was against the gospel, yay against the mediator thereof, I had sold my Savior. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered that besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What thought I must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression, Psalm 1913? Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John 518? Oh, what stings did I find in all these sentences? What thought I is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy and must I be guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins for which there is no forgiveness and must I commit this? Oh, unhappiest sin, oh, unhappiest man, these things would so break and confound my spirit that I could not tell what to

1:47:35do. I thought at times they would have broke my wits and still to aggravate my misery that would run in my mind, ye know how that afterward when he would have inherited the blessing he was rejected. Oh, none knows the terrors of those days but myself. After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his master, and indeed this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his savior as I, and that after light and mercy received. Ye and that too after warning given him. I also considered that he did it both once and twice, and that after time to consider be tweaked. But though I put all these circumstances together that if possible I might find help, yet I considered again that his was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my savior. Wherefore I thought with myself that I came nearer to Judas than either to David or Peter. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me. Ye it would grind me as it

1:48:41were to powder, to discern the preservation of God towards others while I fell into the snare, for in my thus considering of other men's sins and comparing of them with my own I could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them as he had let me to become a son of perdition. But oh, how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about his people? Ah, how safely did I see them walk whom God had hedged in. They were within his care, protection and special providence, though they were full as bad as I by nature, yet because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy. But as for me, I was gone, I had done it, he would not preserve me nor keep me, but suffered me because I was a reprobate to fall as I had done. Now, to those blessed places that spake of God's keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show me the blessed state and

1:49:42heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed. Now I saw that as God had his hand in all providences and dispensation that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against him, not to animate them unto wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them, and also to leave them for a time to such sins only as might not destroy, but humble them, as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what kindness and mercy that I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to his people. He would let David, as a caya, Solomon, Peter and others fall, but he would not let them fall and to sin unpartenable, nor into hell for sin. Oh, thought I, these be the men that God hath loved, these be the men that God, though he chastise with them, keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he makes to abide under the shadow of the

1:50:44Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, that was killing to me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me. As all things rot together for the best and to do good to them that were the called according to his purpose, so I thought that all things rot for my damage and for my eternal overthrow. Then again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which in truth is unpartenable. But oh, thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in. And by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings. Besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine and a fearful hurry on a sudden. All this while I was tossed, too, and fro, like the locust,

1:51:47and driven from trouble to sorrow, hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of the dreadful consequences thereof. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was for a while some little relief unto me. For I saw I had not as to the circumstances transgressed so fouly as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself there might be more ways than one to commit the unpartenable sin. Also, I thought that there might be degrees of them, as well as of other transgressions. Wherefore, for ought I yet could perceive this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas. I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment, in so much that now I could scare see a good man that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him while I was in his presence. Oh, now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before him.

1:52:52I was much about this time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion, as that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such grievous thing. The tempter suggested thus, for if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand. Drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that atheists and ranchers do use to help themselves with all. But oh, when such thoughts have led through my heart, how as it were within a step hath death and judgment been in my view, me thought the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already, so that such things could have no entertainment. But me thinks I see by this that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ. He loved us not in a waken frame of spirit. Security, blindness, darkness, and error is the very

1:53:52kingdom and habitation of the wicked one. I found it hard working out to pray to God because despair was swallowing me up. I thought I was, as with a tempest driven away from God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in. It is too late. I am lost. God hath let me fall. Not to my correction, but condemnation. My sin is unpardonable. And I know concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright he would have received the blessing but was rejected. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable moral Francis Spira, a book that was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound. Every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dollars, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his ringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives and

1:54:53daggers in my soul. Especially that sentence of his was frightful to me. Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof. Then with that former sentence as the conclusion of all fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience. For you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, and so much that at some times I could, for whole days together, feel my very body as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sined that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach by reason of this my terror that I was, especially at some times, as if my breastbone would have split in sunder. Then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by his fallen headlong, burst a sunder and all his bowels gushed out, Acts 1-18.

1:55:57I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on cane, even continued fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother able. Thus did I wind and twine and shrink under the burden that was upon me, which burden also did so oppress me that I could neither stand nor go nor lie, either at rest or quiet. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, he hath received gifts for the rebellious, Psalm 68-18. The rebellious thought I, why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their prints, even those who, after they have sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him. And this thought I is my very condition. Once I loved him, feared him, served him, but now I am a rebel. I have sold him, I have said, let him go, if he will. But yet he has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me? This sometimes I thought on and should labor to take hold thereof, that some, though small,

1:57:02refreshment might have been conceived by me. But in this also I am mist of my desire. I was driven with force beyond it. I was like a man that has gone to the place of execution, even by that place where he would feign creep in and hide himself, but may not. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself. Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, should but be equal to all, then there is hopes, for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, hath also virtue in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big if no bigger than all theirs. Here again I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasse, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders, and should also labor what I might with fairness to aggravate and

1:58:03heighten their sins by several circumstances, but alas, it was all in vain. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon, a work that could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me. Ah, but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them, but yours is a sin against the Savior, and who shall save you from that? Then I thought on Solomon and how he sinned in loving strange women, and falling away to their idols, and building them temples, and doing this after light in his old age, after great mercy received. But the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this, namely that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy. But I had sold my Savior, and there now remained no more sacrifice for sin. I would add to those men's sins the sins of Manasseh, how that he built altars

1:59:10for idols in the house of the Lord. He also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire and sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, I thought, are great sins, sins of a bloody color. Yay, it would turn again upon me. They are none of them of the nature of yours. You have parted with Jesus. You have sold your Savior. This one consideration would always kill my heart. My sin was point blank against my Savior, and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart set of him, let him go, if you will. Oh, me thought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one partenable, nor all of them together was able to equal mine. Mine outwent them everyone. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the

2:00:10face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment. I could not escape his hand. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, Hebrews 10, 31. But blessed be his grace, that scripture, in these flying sins, would call as running after me. I have blotted out as a thick cloud by transgressions, and as a cloud by sins return unto me, for I have redeemed thee, Isaiah 44, 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind when I was fleeing from the face of God, for I did flee from his face, that is, my mind and spirit fled before him. By reason of his highness I could not endure, then with the text cry, return unto me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in his hand. But I could know soon or do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence. For you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited

2:01:17the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Therefore I could not return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried, return, return, as if it did hello after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God, for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, for you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself and my sad and dovel state, afflicting myself with self-apporance for this wicked and ungodly thought, lamenting also this hard half of mine, for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing I would not be pardoned, praying also in my heart that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me,

2:02:17but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, this ever refused to be justified by the blood of Christ. And with all my whole life and profession past was in a moment open to me, wherein I was made to see that, designately, I had not, so my heart answered groaningly, no, then fell with power, that word of God upon me, see that he refused not him that speaketh, Hebrews 12, 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit, it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless hellhounds, to roar and bellow and make a hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that he had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul. Yay, this was a kind of chide for my pronest to desperation, a kind of a threatening me, if I did not, not withstanding my sins and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the

2:03:22Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was I knew not, from whence it came I knew not, I had not yet, in twenty years time, been able to make a judgment of it. I thought then what here I shall be loath to speak, but verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me, but both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of judgment. Only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul. It persuaded me, there might be hope. It showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation, I know not what yet to say into it, which was also in truth the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the book. I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise. Yet, seen I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexperient

2:04:27to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savor of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust and to despair again. Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip. Only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace by prayer and supplication. But oh, it was hard for me now to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thused most vilely sinned. It was hard work, I say, to offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned, and indeed I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer after backsliding from him as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did now attend me, especially when I thought I am now are going to pray to him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before. I was ashamed, yay, even confounded, because this villainy had been

2:05:29committed by me. I saw there was but one way with me. I must go to him and humble myself unto him and beg that he, of his wonderful mercy, would show pity to me and have mercy upon my wretched, sinful soul. Which, when the time to proceed, he strongly suggested to me that I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case, neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the mediator by whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore now to pray is but to add sin to sin. Yeah, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before. For God, sayeth he, hath been weary of you for these several years already, because you are none of his. Your ballings and his ears have been no pleasant voice to him, and therefore he let you sin this sin that you might be quite cut off, and will you pray still? This, the devil, urged,

2:06:33and set forth that, in numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel, that because they would not go up to possess the land when God would have them, therefore, forever after, God did bar them out from fence, though they prayed they might, with tears, numbers 14, 36, and 37, etc. As it is said in another place, Exodus 21-14, the man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar that he may die, even as Joab was by King Solomon when he thought to find shelter there, first kings to 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore, yet in my case being desperate, I thought with myself I can but die, and if it must be so, it shall once be said that such in one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did but with great difficulty, God, doth know, and that, because together with this, still that saying about Isal would set at my heart, even like a flaming sword to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should taste their oven live.

2:07:37Oh, who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer. End of Part 5 Part 6 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan, Part 6. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it. Yay, I trembled in my soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me that God had said those words to them that he once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel. Pray thou not for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah 1114. So pray not for him, for I have rejected him.

2:08:42Yay, I thought that he had whispered this to some of them already. Only they dirt not tell me so, neither dirt I asked them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself. Man knows the beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the issues thereof. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian and told him all my case. I told him also that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost, and he told me he thought so too. Here, therefore, I had but cold comfort, but talking a little more with him I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I went to God again, as well as I could for mercy still. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying that seen I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked him to displeasure, who would have stood between my soul and the flaming of devouring fire, there was now but one way, and that was to pray that God the

2:09:43Father would be the mediator, be tweaked his son and me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit in him, that his blessed saints enjoyed. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, he is of one mind, and who can turn him? Oh, I saw it was as easy to persuade him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade him that what he had done already was mere falling, and persuade with him to alter, yay, to disanel the whole way of salvation, and then would that same rim my soul asunder. Neither is there salvation in any other, for there is none other name under heaven, given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts 4-12 Now the most free and full and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torment to me. Yay, nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Savior, because I had cast him off, brought forth the villainy of my sin, and my loss by it to mind.

2:10:47Nothing did twinge my conscience like this. Every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of his grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword. For still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart. I, this is the Jesus, the loving Savior, the Son of God whom thou hast parted with, whom you slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Savior, the only Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners as to wash them from their sins in his own most precious blood. But you have no part nor lot in this Jesus. You have put him away from you. You have said in your heart, let him go, if he will. Now therefore you are severed from him. You have severed yourself from him. Behold, then, his goodness, but you yourself be no partaker of it. Oh, thought I what have I lost?

2:11:52What have I parted with? What have I disinherited my poor soul of? Oh, it is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God, to have the lamb, the Savior, turn, lion, and destroyer, revelation six. I also tremble, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved him, and that made it their business to walk continually with him in this world. For they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Savior, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I tremble that God's sámules, for sámules sixteen four. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul in another way, saying that Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my lost. But for as much as I had sinned and transgressed,

2:12:53as I had done, he could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared, for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died, neither was it counted with those that relayed to his charge when he hanged on the tree. Therefore, unless he should come down from heaven and die anew for this sin, though indeed he did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations. Every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me when he could not help me. Nor did I think that the reason why he could not help me was because his merits were weak, or his grace and salvation spent on them already, but because his faithfulness to his threatening would not let him extend his mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that was wrapped up in a promise,

2:13:53and if not, then I knew assuredly that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life, so that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief that I had of the stability of the Holy Word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin. But oh, how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith that I knew not what to do, but oh, I thought that he would come down again, oh, that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ. How would I pray him and entreat him to count and reckon this sin amongst the rest for which he died? But this scripture would strike me down as dead. Christ, being raised from the dead, dieeth no more. Death hath no more dominion over him. Romans 6.9 Thus by the strange and unusual assaults of the

2:14:54temptor was my soul like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds and tossed sometimes head long into despair, sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant and the conditions thereof might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way and changed. But in all these I was but as those that jussle against the rocks, more broken, scattered and rent. Oh, the unthought of imaginations, frights, fears and tears that are affected by a thorough application of guilt, yielded to desperation. This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead, that is always crying out and cutting himself with stones, Mark 5, 2 through 5. But I say all in vain, desperation will not comfort him. The old covenant will not save him. Nay, heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or tidal of the word and law of grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned,

2:16:00yet this advantage I got thereby, namely a further confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation, and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh, I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation. What was done could not be undone, added to nor altered. I saw indeed that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable, but woe to him that was so driven for the word would shut him out. Thus was I always thinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighboring town and sat down upon a settle in the street and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to, and after long musing I lifted up my head. But me thought I saw as if the sun that shyness in the heavens did grudge to give light, and as if the very stones in the street and tiles upon the houses did bend themselves against me. Me thought that they all combined together

2:17:00to banish me out of the world. I was a port of them and unfit to dwell among them or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Savior. Oh, how happy now was every creature over what I was, for they stood fast and kept their station, but I was gone and lost. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul I said to myself with a grievous sigh, how can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me as an echo, doth answer a voice. This sin is not unto death, at which I was as if I had been raised out of a grave and cried out again, Lord, how could this now find out such a word as this, for I was filled with admiration at the fitness and also at the unexpectedness of the sentence, the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it, the power and sweetness and light, and glory that came with it was marvelous to me to find. I was now for the time out of doubt, as to that about which I so

2:18:04much was endowed before. My fears before were that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that if I did it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable. Therefore, from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This, therefore, was a great easement to my mind, to wit that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death, first John 5, 16, and 17. None but those that know what my trouble by their own experience was can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration. It was a release to me from my former bonds and a shelter from my former storm. I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of them. Now I say I was in hopes that my sin

2:19:06was not un pardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh, how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again. But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this sentence stood like a mill posted my back, yet toward the evening of the next day. I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and heavishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair, nor could my faith now longer retain this word. But the next day, at evening, being under many fears I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to him in these words, with strong cries, oh Lord, I beseech the show me that thou hast loved me with an everlasting love, Jeremiah 31 and 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me as an echo or sounding again. I have loved thee with an

2:20:08everlasting love. Now I went to bed at quiet, also when I awakened the next morning it was fresh upon my soul, and I believed it. But yet the tempter left me not, for it could not be so little as in hundred times that he that day did labor to break my peace. Oh, the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold upon this word, that of Esau would fly in my face like to lightning. I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour, yet God did bear me up and keep my heart upon this world, from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of pardon. For thus it was made out to me. I loved thee whilst thou was committing this sin. I loved thee before, I loved thee still, and I will love thee forever. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous and a filthy crime and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment that I had horribly abused the Holy Son of God. Therefore I felt my soul

2:21:13greatly to love and pity him, and my bowels to yearn towards him. For I saw he was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil. Ye the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself. For the abuse I had done unto him, that to speak as I then thought had I a thousand gallons of blood within my veins I could freely then have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord and Savior. And as I was thus in musing and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord and to express my love to him, that same came in upon me. If thou Lord shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord who shall stand. But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayst be feared, Psalm 130, 1st, 3, and 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof, to wit that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that he might be feared, that is, as then I understood

2:22:16it, that he might be loved and had in reverence, for it was thus made out to me that the great God did set so high and esteem upon the love of his poor creatures, that rather than he would go without their love, he would pardon their transgressions. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it, then shall they be ashamed and confounded, and never open their mouth any more because of their shame when I am pacified towards them for all that they have done, sayeth the Lord Ezekiel 1663. Thus was my soul at this time, and as I then did think, forever, set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement. But before many weeks were over, I began to despond again, fearing last, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be deceived and destroyed at the last. For this consideration came strong into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the Word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found

2:23:18in my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end, for the scripture cannot be broken. John 1035. Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with disappointment at the last, wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings to my mind, for it is impossible for those who were once enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost and have tasted the good Word of God and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away to renew them again unto repentance. Habers 6, 4 through 6. For if we sin willfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful looking

2:24:23for of judgment and fiery indignation which shall devour the adversaries. Habers 10, 26 and 27. Even as Esau, who for one more soul of meat sold his birthright, for you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Habers 12, 16 and 17. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me, and now with that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, rejoice not O Israel, for joy as other people, Hosea 9.1. For I saw indeed there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus, but as for me I had cut myself off by my transgressions and left myself neither foothold nor handhold amongst all the stays and props in the precious Word of life. And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf as in house whose foundation is destroyed.

2:25:25I did like in myself in this condition unto the case of a child that was fallen into a milpit, who, though it could make some shift to scrabble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for foot nor hand, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul that scripture came into my heart, this is for many days, Daniel 10.14. And indeed I found it was so, for I could not be delivered nor brought to peace again until well-nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at sometimes as in help and refreshment to me. For, thought I, many days are not forever, many days will have an end. Therefore, seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus I say I could recall myself sometimes and give myself

2:26:29a help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did. Now while these scriptures lay before me and laid sin anew at my door, that saying in the 18th of Luke with others, did encourage me to prayer. Then the tempter again laid at me very sore, suggesting that neither the mercy of God nor yet the blood of Christ did at all concern me nor could they help me for my sin, therefore it was in vain to pray. Yet thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot, sayethy, yet said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God, and while I was that prayer I uttered words to this effect. Lord Satan tells me that neither thy mercy nor Christ blood is sufficient to save my soul. Lord shall I honor thee most by believing thou wilt and

2:27:33can'ts, or him by believing thou neither wilt nor can'ts. Lord I would feign honor thee by believing thou wilt and can'ts. And as I was thus before the Lord that scripture fastened on my heart, O woman, great is thy faith, Matthew 1528, even as if one had clapped me on the back as I was on my knees before God. Yet I was not able to believe this that this was a prayer of faith till almost six months after, for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on. Therefore I should still be as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went morning up and down in a sad condition crying, is his mercy clean gone? Is his mercy clean gone forever? And I thought sometimes even when I was groaning in these expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or no, yet I greatly feared it was. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know

2:28:38if there was indeed hopes for me, these words came rolling into my mind. Will the Lord cast off forever, and will he be favorable no more? Is his mercy clean gone forever? Doth his promise fail forever hath God forgotten to be graces? Hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Psalm 77, 7 through 9. And all the while they run in my mind, me thought I had this still as the answer. It is a question whether he had or no, it may be he hath not. Ye the interrogatories seem to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed he had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favorable, that his promise doth not fail, and that he had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would an anger shut up his tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I now cannot call to mind, which with this text did sweeten my heart and made me conclude that his mercy might not quite be gone, nor clean gone forever. At another time I remember I was again much under the question,

2:29:45whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul. In which doubt I continued from morning till about seven or eight at night, and at last when I was as it were quite worn out with fear lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart. He is able. But me thought this word able was spoke so loud unto me, it showed such a great word, it seemed to be written in great letters, and gave such a justle to my fear and doubt. I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day, as I never had from that all my life, either before or after that, Hebrews 7.25. But one morning when I was again at prayer and trembling under the fear of this, that no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me. My grace is sufficient. At this me thought I felt some stay as if there might be hope, but oh how good a thing it is for God to send his word. For about a fortnight before I was

2:30:46looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet. Then I thought it was not large enough for me. No, not large enough. But now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not only enclose me, but many more besides. By these words I was sustained yet not without exceeding conflicts for the space of seven or eight weeks. For my peace would be in and out, sometimes twenty times a day, comfort now and trouble presently, peace now, and before I could go a furlong as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks experience. For this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's parting with his birthright would be like a pair of scales within my mind. Sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other, according to which would be my peace or trouble. End of Part 6

2:31:53Part 7 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers This is a Libravox Recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. From more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan, Part 7 Therefore I still did pray to God that he would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart, to wit that he would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not. That he gave, I gathered, but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope that it might be mercy for me. My grace is sufficient, and though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit that there was hope. Yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore one day, as I was in a meeting of God's people, full of sadness and terror, for my fears again were strong upon me, and as I was now thinking my soul was never the

2:32:58better, but my case most sad and fearful. These words did, with great power, suddenly break in upon me. My grace is sufficient for thee. My grace is sufficient for thee. My grace is sufficient for thee. Three times together, and oh, me thought that every word was a mighty word unto me. As my, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee, they were then, and sometimes are still far bigger than others be. At which time my understanding was so enlightened that I was, as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the tiles upon me, and direct those words unto me. This sent me morning home. It broke my heart and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust. Only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks and did encourage me to hope. But so soon as that powerful operation of it was taken off my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before. So my soul did hang as

2:34:04in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down, now in peace, and a non again in terror. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented, and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews would be set before me as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I should begin to repent that ever that thought went through me. I should also think thus with myself, why, how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three or four, and cannot God miss them and save me for all of them? Sometimes again I should think, oh, if it were not for these three or four words, now how I might be comforted, and I could hardly forebear at sometimes to wish them out of the book. Then be thought I should see as if both Peter and Paul and John, and all the writers did look with scorn upon me and hold me in derision, and as if they said unto me, all our words are truth, one of as much force as another. It is not that we have cut you off,

2:35:10but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these, and such as these, it is impossible. There remains no more sacrifice for sin, Hebrews chapter 6. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God than after they have known it to turn from the Holy Commandment delivered unto them, 2nd Peter 221, for the scriptures cannot be broken. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance, also with a thousand fears and mistrust, I doubted that they would shut me out forever, Joshua 20, 3 and 4. Thus was I confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be satisfied in this question. Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul, I quaked that the apostles I knew their words were true, and that they must stand forever. And I remember one day, as I was in diverse

2:36:15frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were still according to the nature of the several scriptures that came in upon my mind, if this of grace, then was I quiet, but if that of Esau, then tormented. Lord thought I, if both these scriptures would meet in my heart at once, I would which of them would get the better of me. So me thought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me. Yay, I desired of God they might. Well, about two or three days after so they did, indeed. They bolted both upon me at a time and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while. At last, that about Esau's birthright began to wax weak and withdraw, and vanish, and this about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in amuse about this thing, that scripture came home upon me. Mercy rejoiced against judgment. James 2, 13. This was a wonderment to me. Yet truly, I am apt to think it was of

2:37:18God, for the word of the law and wrath must give place to the word of life and grace, because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth forexceed in glory. Second Corinthians 3, 8 through 12, and Mark 9, 5 through 7. Also, that Moses and Elias must both vanish and leave Christ and his saints alone. This scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, and him that comeeth to me, I will in no wise cast out. John 6, 37. Oh, the comfort that I have had from this word, in no wise, as who should say by no means, for no thing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labor to pull this promise from me, telling of me that Christ did not mean me, and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank that had not done, as I had done. But I should answer him again. Satan, here is in this word, no such exception, but him that comeeth,

2:38:19him any him, him that comeeth to me, I will in no wise cast out. And this I will remember still that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, but do you come a right? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming a right was, for I saw that to come a right was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ, he at one end, and I at the other. Oh, what a work did we make. It was for this, in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled. But God be praised, I got the better of him, I got some sweetness from it. But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esauce's selling of his birthright would still at times distress my conscience,

2:39:21for though I had been most sweetly comforted in that but just before, yet when that came into my mind it would make me fear again, I could not be quite rid thereof, it would every day be with me. Wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought. I mean, if I should take the words at the largest and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word they're in. So when I had thus considered, I found that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this, that I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Savior or no, for the wicked words were these, let Him go if He will. Then that Scripture gave me hope, I will never leave the Norfer's Sexy, Hebrews 13.5. Oh, Lord, said I, but I have left thee, then an answer to ye, but I will not leave thee. For this I thank God also. Yet I was grievously afraid He should and founded exceedingly hard to trust

2:40:25Him, seeing I had so offended Him. I could have been exceedingly glad that this thought had never befallen, for then I thought I could, with more ease and freedom and abundance, have leaned upon His grace. I see it was with me as it was with Joseph's brother, the guilt of their own wickedness, did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them, Genesis 50, 15 through 17. But above all the Scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in the 20th of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge. And if the Avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then, sayeth Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hand, because he smote his neighbor unwittingly and hated him not a foretime. Oh, blessed be God for this word, I was convinced that I was the slayer, and that the Avenger of blood pursued me, that I felt with great terror. Only now it remained that I inquire whether

2:41:26I have right to enter the city of refuge. So I found that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood. It was not the will for murder, but he who unwittingly did it. He who did unaware shed blood. Not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly. Even he who did not hate his neighbor before. Wherefore I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbor unwittingly and hated him not a foretime. I hated him not a foretime. No, I prayed unto him, was tender of sinning against him, yay, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for twelve months before. Yay, and also when it did pass through my heart it did in spite of my teeth. Wherefore I thought I had right to enter the city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This, therefore, was a great comfort to me, and to give me much ground of hope. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure

2:42:27enough to bear me. I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about, and that was, whether it be possible for any soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least true spiritual comfort from God through Christ. The witch, after I had much considered, I found the answer was no, they could not, and that for these reasons. First, because those that have sinned that sinned, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort, for to such there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, Hebrews 10, 26. Secondly, because they are denied a share in the promise of life, they shall never be forgiven, neither in this world, neither in that which is to come. Matthew 12, 32. Thirdly, the Son of God excludes them also from a share in his blessed intercession,

2:43:27being forever ashamed to own them before his Holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven, Mark 8, 38. When I had, with much deliberation, considered of this matter, and could not, but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too, after this my wicked sin, then, me thought, I dersed venture to come nigh into those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which, indeed, before I dersed scarce cast my eye, ye had much ado and hundred times to forbid wishing them out of the Bible. For I thought they would destroy me, but now I say I began to take some measure of encouragement to come close to them, to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency. The which, when I began to do, I found their visits changed, for they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did. And, first, I came to the sixth of Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me,

2:44:29which, when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended was a falling quite away, that is, as I conceived, a falling from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins by Christ, for from them the apostle begins his argument, versus one through three. Secondly, I found that this falling away must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found that those he there intended were forever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency. It is impossible that they should be renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars I found to God's everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended. First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame. I did not deny him before men,

2:45:32nor condemn him as their fruitless one before the world. Thirdly, nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come, though I found it hard work indeed to come to him by sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for unsurczable grace. Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews and found that the willful sin there mentioned is not every willful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then his commandments too. Secondly, that must also be done openly before two or three witnesses to answer that of the law, verse 28. Thirdly, this sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the spirit of grace, despising both the dissuations from that sin and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these. And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews about Esauce selling his birthright, though this was that which killed me and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did

2:46:35consider, first, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labor of his mind, but a thought consented to and put in practice likewise, and that too after some deliberation, Genesis 25. Secondly, it was a public and open action even before his brother, if not before many more. This made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, he continued to slight his birthright. He did eat and drink and win his way. Thus Esauce despised his birthright, verse 34. Yay twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esauce said, I have enough my brother, keep that thou hast unto thyself. Genesis 33.9 Now as touching this that Esauce sought a place of repentance, thus I thought, first, this was not for the birthright, but for the blessing. This is clear from the apostle and is distinguished by Esauce himself. He took away my birthright, that is, formally, and behold,

2:47:39now he have taken away my blessing, Genesis 27.36. Secondly, now this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God in a New Testament style and sense concerning Esauce sin. And so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified regeneration and the blessing, the eternal inheritance. For so the apostle seems to hint, lest there be any profane person as Esauce, who for one more soul of meat sold his birthright, as if he should say, lest there be any person amongst you that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new birth, lest they become as Esauce even be rejected afterwards when they would inherit the blessing. For many there are, who in the day of grace and mercy despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when the deciding day appears, will cry as loud as Esau,

2:48:40Lord, Lord, open to us. But then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, l have blessed these, ye they shall be blessed. But as for you, depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. Genesis 27, 33, Luke 13, 25, through 27. When I had thus considered these scriptures and found that thus to understand them was not against, but according to other scriptures, this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to it that the scripture could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone behind me, only some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me. But because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it did often fall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scarred with fire, I thought every voice was fire, fire, every little touch would hurt my tender conscience. But one day, as I was passing in the field,

2:49:47and that too, with some dashes on my conscience, fearing, lest yet all was not right, suddenly, this sentence fell upon my soul. Thy righteousness is in heaven. And, me thought with all, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God's right hand. There, I say, is my righteousness. So that, wherever I was, or whatever I was, a doing, God could not say of me, he wants my righteousness, for that was just before him. I also saw more over it, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better. Nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse. For my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, the same yesterday, and today, and forever. Hebrews 13.8 Now did my chains fall off my legs, indeed. I was loosed from my affliction and irons. My temptations had fled away, so that, from that time, those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me now. Now when I also home rejoicing for the grace and love of God. So when I came

2:50:52home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence. Thy righteousness is in heaven. But could not find such a saying. Wherefore, my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance. He, of God, is made unto us wisdom and righteousness and sanctification and redemption. By this word, I saw the other sentence true, 1 Corinthians 130. For by this scripture, I saw that the man Christ Jesus, as he is distinct from us, as touching his bodily presence so he is our righteousness and sanctification before God. Here, therefore, I lived for some time very sweetly at peace with God through Christ. Oh, me thought, Christ, Christ, there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes. I was not only for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of as blood, burial or resurrection, but considered him as a whole Christ, as he in whom all these,

2:51:52and all other His virtues, relations, offices, and operations met together, and that as He sat on the right hand of God in heaven. It was glorious to me to see His exaltation and the worth and prevenancy of all His benefits, and that because of this. Now I could look from myself to Him, and should reckon that all those graces of God that now were green in me were yet but like those cracked grotes and four-pence-half pennies that rich men carry in their purses when their gold is in their trunks at home. Oh, I saw my gold was in my trunk at home. In Christ, my Lord and Savior, now Christ was all, all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God, that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh and bone of His bone, and now was that a sweet word to me in Ephesians 5.30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more

2:52:55confirmed to me, for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits, mine, His victory also, mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once, in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness in life, though on earth my body or person. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God and should also be looked on by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned, that we fulfilled the law by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell by Him. When He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body, shall they arise, sayeth He, Isaiah 26.19, and again, after two days will He revive us, in the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live in His sight, Hosea 6 too, which is now

2:53:58fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of man on the right hand of the majesty in the heavens, according to that of the Ephesians. He hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, Ephesians 2.6. Ah, these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of a like nature, were in those days made to spangle in my eyes, so that I have caused to say, Praise ye the Lord, praise God in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power, praise Him for His mighty acts, praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Psalm 151 and 2. Having thus, in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under, and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelve month with my heart to my unspeakable

2:54:58admiration. I will now, God willing, before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation, and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul. End of Part 7 Part 8 of Grace Abounding to the Chief of sinners This is a Libravox recording. All Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace Abounding to the Chief of sinners, by John Bunyan. Part 8 For the causes, I conceived there were principally two. Of which two, I also was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still prayed to God to keep me from temptations that were to come.

2:56:01For though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most, principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of his love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do. I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come. Of this, I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of Holy David, who, when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come. Then, sayeth he, shall I be upright, I shall be innocent from the great transgression, Psalm 1913. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty, Hebrews 4, 16. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

2:57:04This, I—then, sayeth he, shall I be upright, I shall be innocent from the great transgression, Psalm 1913. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty, Hebrews 4, 16. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. This, I had not done, and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall, according to what is written, pray they eat in or not into temptation. And truly, this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go off my knees until I entreat him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come. And I do besiege thee, reader, that thou learned to beware of my negligence, by the affliction that for this thing I did for days and months and years with sorrow undergo.

2:58:11Another cause of this temptation was that I had tempted God, and on this manner did I do it. Upon a time, my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as she would have immediately fallen in labor and been delivered of an untimely birth. Now at this very time, it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God, wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou wilt now remove this satafliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night, and now were her pangs just upon her, then I shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so she continued till morning. At this, I greatly marveled,

2:59:13not knowing what to think, but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell to sleeping also. So when I waked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked, sinful thought of which I have spoken before went through my wicked heart, even this thought, let Christ go, if He will. So when I was fallen under guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it. Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord and His servant Gideon fell upon my spirit. How, because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon his words, therefore the Lord did

3:00:19afterwards so try him as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance without any strength or help, judges six and seven. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also gained by this temptation. And first, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense, both of the being and glory of God and of His beloved Son. In the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and certainty of the world to come. I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism. But now the case was otherwise. Now was God and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror.

3:01:23The glory of the holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces, and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel, for I could not consider Him but as it lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which was as the continual breaking of my bones. The scriptures now also were wonderful things to me. I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven. Those that the scriptures favor, they must inherit bliss, but those that oppose and condemn must perish evermore. Oh, this word, for the scriptures cannot be broken, would render the call of my heart, and so would that other, whose so ever sins you remit, they are remitted unto them, and whose so ever sins you retain, they are retained. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge, Joshua 20, verse 4. Those that they were to receive in were received to life, but those that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

3:02:24Oh, one sentence of the scripture did more flicked and terrifying my mind. I mean those sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I thought they every one did, more I say than an army of 40,000 men that might have come against me. Woe be to Him against whom the scriptures been themselves. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before. For I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of his justice. This made me with careful heart and watchful eye, with great seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling to consider every sentence, to gather with its natural force and latitude. By this temptation also I was greatly beaten off my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when it came into my mind. For now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had done at other

3:03:25times, ye like to a man a sinking I should catch at all I saw. Formally I thought I might not meddle with the promises unless I felt as comfort, but now it was no time thus to do. The avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me. Now therefore I was glad to catch it that word, which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own, and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labor to take the word as God had laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. Oh, what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John, and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out, verse 37. Now I began to consider with myself that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had a heart to conceive with. I thought also with myself that he spaked not his words in haste or in unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness.

3:04:27I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flouts towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire, concluding, though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear. On this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh, many a pool hath my heart had with Satan for that sixth of John. I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort, though, oh, how welcome would it have been unto me. But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon that I might not sink forever. It was that I hunted for. Yay, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul forever. I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition the King contrary to the law, Esther 416. I thought also have been

3:05:29Haydad servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy, first King's 2031. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matthew 15, 21 through 28. And the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke 11, 5 through 8, were great encouragement unto me. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love and mercy, as I saw after this temptation. Great sins to draw out great grace, and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high in mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before, Job 42 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might hear make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them, and deprae God that my harms

3:06:30may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did. I had two or three times at about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it. It was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's leadings with me, of his dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet with all. I shall begin with what I met when I first did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the church that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them and was also admitted by them, while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples before his death, that Scripture, this do in remembrance of me, Luke 2219, was made a very

3:07:33precious word unto me. For by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death or my sins, and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times they were in, both the blasphemy the ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof. That, lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies, and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation I have thought since was because I did not, with that reverence as became me, at first approach to partake thereof. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease, but at last the Lord came in upon my soul,

3:08:33with that same Scripture by which my soul was visited before, and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discern the Lord's body as broken for my sins, and that his precious blood have been shed for my transgressions. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption wherewith, about the spring, I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man, in so much that I thought I could not live. Now began I afreshed to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come. For it hath, I blessed the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavor to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before my eye. But I had no sooner began to recall to mine my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions,

3:09:37amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely my deadness, doneness and coldness and holy duties, my wanderings of heart, of my worrisome and all good things, my want of love to God, his ways and people, with this at the end of all. Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these the tokens of a blessed man? At the apprehension of these things, my sickness was doubled upon me, for now was I sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt. Now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if it had never been nor seen. Now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations. Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit and was giving up all for lost, but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart. He are justified freely by his grace through the redemption

3:10:42that is in Christ Jesus, Romans 3, 24. But oh what a turn it made upon me. Now was I as one awakened out of some trouble, some sleep and dream, and listening to this heavenly sentence I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me. Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins and affirmities I cannot save thy soul. But behold my son is by me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and I will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time. It was but his looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done. And as I was thus in amuse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, et cetera, Titus 3.5, 2 Timothy 1.9. Now was I God on high. I saw myself within the arms of

3:11:49grace and mercy, and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now I cried, let me die. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world. O me thought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above. At this time also I saw more in those words, heirs of God, Romans 8.17, then ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. Heirs of God, God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did be set me strongly, for I find he is much for assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity, laboring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness. Also setting before me the terrors of death and the judgment of

3:12:50God, in so much that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying forever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit. Me thought I said there was no way but to hell I must, but behold just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angels carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, so it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This disseweekly revived my spirit and helped me to hope in God, which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? 1 Corinthians 1555. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortly in my work for God again. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savory in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of

3:13:55darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life, was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ. I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also, I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart. I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, wife said I, is there ever such a scripture I must go to Jesus? She said she could not tell, therefore I sat

3:14:58musing still to see if I could remember such a place. I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, and to an innumerable company of angels, and with all, Hebrews the twelfth about the Mount Sin was set before my eyes, verses 22 to 24. Then with joy I told my wife, oh now I know, I know, but that night was a good night to me. I never had but few better. I longed for the company of some of God's people that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night. I could scarce lie in my bed for joy and peace and triumph through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet that twelfth of the author of Hebrews twelve twenty-two to twenty-four was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this. The words are these, ye are come unto Mount Zion, and unto the city of the living God,

3:15:59the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the first warn, which are written in heaven, and to God the judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better than things than that available. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that, and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since this time been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God in having mercy on me. End of Part 8 Part 9 of grace abounding to the chief of sinners. This is a Libravox recording. All the Libravox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit

3:16:59Libravox.org, recording by Stephen Escalera. Grace abounding to the chief of sinners by John Bunyan. Part 9 A brief account of the author's call to the work of the ministry. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon him, some of the most able among the saints with us, I say the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his will in his holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance and some measure to express what I saw to others for edification. Therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at some times, to take in hand in one of the meetings to speak a word of exhortation unto them.

3:18:05The witch, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies, but in private, though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them, at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted, and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me. After this sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with them, where, though as yet I did not, nor durs not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately still as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also, the witch they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to meward, professing their souls were edified thereby. Wherefore, to be brief, at last, being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to

3:19:07the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the Word, not only to, and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof, about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward there too, though I bless God not for desire of vain glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil concerning my eternal state. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift unto which I was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians. I beseech you, brethren, ye know the household of Steffanus, that it is the first fruits of a Kayi, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints, that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to everyone that help with us, and laboreth, 1 Corinthians 16, 15, and 16. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that

3:20:12men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did command those that were apt and ready so to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints. This scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to encourage me and strengthen me in this work for God. I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word and other ancient histories. Acts 8, 4, 18, 24, 25, 1 Peter, 4, 10, Romans, 12, 6, Foxes, Acts, and Monuments. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy, yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift and the proportion of my faith, preached that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth, which, when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds,

3:21:13and that from all parts, though upon sundry and diverse accounts. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labor with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a word as might, if God would bless it, lay hold of and awaken the conscience, in which the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant. For I had not preached long before some began to be touched by the word, and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin and of their need of Jesus Christ. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy, yet those who were thus touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me, and though I did put it from me that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it and affirm it before the saints of God. They would also bless God for me, unworthy wretch that I am, and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

3:22:15Wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts, so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were, then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I, and then came that word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment. The blessing of Him that was ready to perish came upon me, and I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy, Job 29 13. At this, therefore, I rejoiced, ye the tears of those who God did awakened by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me, for I thought on those sayings, who is He that makeeth me glad, but the same which has made sorry by me, second Corinthians 2,2? And again, though I be not an apostle to others, yet doubtless I am to you, for the seal of my Apostleship are ye in the Lord, 1 Corinthians 9,2. These things, therefore,

3:23:16were as another argument unto me that God had called me to and stood by me in this work. In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely that the Lord did lead me to begin where His Word begins with sinners, that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and the ledge that the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to and lay hold on all men as they come into the world because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense, for the tears of the law and guilt for my transgressions lay heavy on my conscience. I preached what I felt, what I smartenly did feel, even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead, I went myself in chains to preach to them in chains, and carried that fire in my own conscience that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly say in that without dissembling that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door, and there it has

3:24:19been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work, and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before, yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work. Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against men's sins and their fearful state because of them, after which the Lord came in upon my own soul with some stayed peace and comfort through Christ, for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him. Therefore now I altered in my preaching, for still I preached what I saw and felt. Now therefore I did much labor to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world, and it strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I stayed as long as on the other. After this God led me into

3:25:23something of the mystery of union with Christ, wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also, and when I had traveled through these three chief points of the Word of God, about the space of five years and more, I was caught in my present practice and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again, to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before and testifying of it according to the scriptures in a way of preaching. When I have been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise with great earnestness, cried to God that He would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the soul. Still being grieved, lest the enemy should take the Word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful. Wherefore I did labor so to speak the Word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and the person guilty might be particularized by it. Also, when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to think the Word should now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing from my heart, oh that they who have heard me speak this day did but see as I do what

3:26:29sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is, and also what the grace and love and mercy of God is through Christ to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord that if to be hanged up presently before their eyes would be a means to awaken them and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ without works, as if an angel of God had stood by it my back to encourage me. O it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul while I have been laboring to unfold it, to demonstrate it and to fascinate upon the consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying I believe and am sure. Me thought I was more than sure if it be lawful so to express myself that those things which I then asserted were true. When I went first to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open

3:27:31wide against me, but I was persuaded of this not to render railing for railing, but to see how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law and of the want and worth of Christ. For, thought I, this shall answer for me in time to come when they shall be for my hire before their faces, Genesis 30, 33. I never cared to metal with things that were contraverted and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature. Yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus. But I say as to other things I should let them alone, because I saw the engendered strife, and because that they neither in doing nor in leaving undone did commend us to God to be his. Besides, I saw my work before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening word. To that, therefore, did I stick and adhere. I never endeavored to, nor dursed make use of other men's lines, Romans 15-18,

3:28:36though I condemn not all that do, for I have verily thought and found by experience that what was taught me by the word and spirit of Christ could be spoken, maintained and stood to by the soundest and best-established conscience. And though I will not now speak all that I know in this manner, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of Scripture than many amongst men or where, Col. 11 and 12. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that fall back as sometimes too many did, I can truly say their loss hath been more to me than if any one of my own children be gotten of my body had been going to its grave. I think verily I may speak it without an offense to the Lord. Nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I hath counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born. My heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work that I counted myself more blessed and honored of God by this, then if he had made

3:29:41me the Emperor of the Christian world or the Lord of all the glory of the earth without it. O these words, he which converted the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, James 5-20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he that wineth souls is wise, Proverbs 11-30. They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever, Daniel 12-3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing, are not even ye and the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming, for ye are our glory and joy, 1 Thessalonians 2, 19-20. These, I say, with many others of a light nature have been great refreshments to me. I have observed that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire I might preach there. I have also observed that such and such souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart,

3:30:46and I stirred up to wish for their salvation, and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have also observed that a word cast in by the by have done more execution in a sermon than all that was spoken besides. Sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all, and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing. I have also observed that where there have been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil has begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants. Ye oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there have been souls awakened by the word, I could instance particulars, but I forbear. My great desire in fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession, yet not because I could not endure the light, for I feared not to show my gospel to any, but because I found my spirit lean most after awakening and converting work,

3:31:51and the word that I carried did lead itself most that way also. Ye so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another man's foundation, Romans 15-20. In my preaching I have really been in pain and have, as it were, to prevail to bring forth children to God, neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless it mattered not who commended me, but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that, he that wheneth souls is wise, Proverbs 11-30. And again, low children are a heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward, as arrows in the hand of a mighty man so are children of the youth. Happy as the man that hath filled his quiver full of them, they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm 127 verses 3-5. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if

3:32:51they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and the heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathing after a truly sanctified soul. That it was that delighted me, those were the souls I counted blessed. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of diverse kinds, as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak the word at all to edification. Nay that I should not be able to speak since unto the people, at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seized upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise. Sometimes again, what I have been preaching, I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also, at sometimes, even when I have begun to speak the word with much

3:33:52clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending of that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have also been so straightened in my speech as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known or remembered what I have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise. Again, when at sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and scorching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, what, will you preach this? This condemns yourself. Of this your own soul is guilty. Wherefore, preach not of it at all, or if you do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape. Lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will never get from under. But I thank the Lord I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have, rather, as Samson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression wherever I found it. Ye, though therein also I did bring guilt

3:34:56upon my own conscience. Let me die, thought I with the Philistines, judges 162930, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teaches another, teaches not thou by self. It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly to others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth and unrighteousness. Blessed be God for his help, also, in this. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and lifting up of heart, and though I dare not say I have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord of his precious mercy has so carried it towards me that, for the most part, I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing. For it have been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments. I have felt this thorn in the flesh, the very mercy of God to me, second Corinthians 12, 7 through 9.

3:36:04I have had also, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts, as, for instance, that hath been of great use unto me, though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass and a tinkling symbol, first Corinthians 13, 1 and 2. A tinkling symbol is an instrument of music, with which a scuffle player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear in play can scarcely hold from dancing, and yet behold the symbol half not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith, so then the instrument at last may come to not and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it. Just thus I saw it was, and will be with them who have gifts, but want saving grace,

3:37:05they are in the hand of Christ as the symbol in the hand of David, and as David could, with the symbol make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the worshipers, so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the souls of his people in his church, yet when he hath done all, hang them by as lifeless those sounding symbols. This consideration, therefore, together with some others, were for the most part as a mall on the head of pride and desire of vain glory. What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? Hath not the least creature that hath life more of God in it than these? Besides, I knew it was love should never die, but these must cease and vanish, so I concluded a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all these gifts. Yay, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for a soul that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method. I say it is possible for them to have a thousand

3:38:09times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favor of the Lord than some who, by virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels. Thus, therefore, I came to perceive that those gifts in themselves were good to the thing for which they were designed to it, the edification of others, yet empty and without power to have the soul of him that hath them if they be alone. Neither are they, as so any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some of whose improvement, or not improvement, they must, when a little love more is over, given account to him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead. This showed me, too, that gifts being alone were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them to it, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all of which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian to the endagering of a poor creature to

3:39:09fall into the condemnation of the devil. I saw, therefore, that he that hath gifts had need to be let into a sight of the nature of them to it that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them and so fall short of the grace of God. He hath also caused to walk humbly with God and be little in his own eyes, and to remember with all that his gifts are not his own, but the churches, and that by them he has made a servant to the church, and that he must give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord, gifts indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It does not say the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory, and blessed is such in one to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a certain

3:40:10forerunner of glory. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me would not answer his design to it to overthrow my ministry and make it ineffectual as to the ends thereof, then he tried another way, which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to load me with slanders and reproaches. Now therefore I may say that what the devil could devise and his instruments invent was world up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned. It began therefore to be rumored up and down among the people that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like. To all which I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent, but as for my accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for these things, with all the rest of their iniquities, unless God shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my heart. But that which was reported with

3:41:12the boldest confidence was that I had my misses, my horrors, my bastard's, ye, two wives at once, and the like. Now these slanders, with the other, I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or naivish lies, and falsehood cast upon me by the devil and his seed. And should I not be dealt with, thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint and the child of God. Blessed are ye, said the Lord Jesus, when men shall revalue and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake. Rejoice in be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you, Matthew 5-11. These things, therefore, upon my own account, trouble me not, no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ. So then what shall I say to those that have thus bespattered me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I

3:42:16chide them? Shall I flatter them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I, were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and the betters, I would say unto them, report it, because it will increase my glory. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament, it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached, and reviled. And since all this is nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ's sake. I also calling all those fools or naves that have thus made it anything of their business to affirm any of the things a forenamed of me, namely that I have been not with other women or the like. When they have used to the utmost of their endeavors and made the fullest inquiry that they can to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven or earth or hell, that can say I have at any time in any place by day or night so much as attempted

3:43:18to be not with them. And speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I, I will in this big relief of no man, believe or disbelieve me in this all is a case to me. My foes have missed their mark in this they're shooting at me, I am not the man. I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the forercators and adulterers in England were hanged by the neck till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy would be still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the coaps of the whole heaven but by their apparel, their children or by common fame except my wife. And in this I admire the wisdom of God that he made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. Those know and can also bear me witness with whom I have been most intimately concerned that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman, the common salutation of a woman I have wore. It is odious to me and whosoever I see it.

3:44:23Their company alone I cannot away with. I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand, for I think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it. And when they have answered that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them it is not a commonly sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss, but then I have asked why they made box, why did they salute the most handsome and let the ill-favored go. Thus how laudable so ever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unsamely in my sight. And now for a wind up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife. Nor am I afraid to do it a second time, knowing that I cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me,

3:45:24more than any other, but God has been merciful to me and has kept me, to whom I pray that he will keep me still, not only from this, but from every evil way in work, and preserve me to his heavenly kingdom. Amen. Now I have satan labored by reproaches and slanders to make me vile among my countrymen, that if possible my preaching might be made of none effect, so there was added here to a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frited from my service for Christ, and the world terrified and made afraid to hear me preach, of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account. A brief account of the authors in imprisonment. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long time and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country, among whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a justice, who, after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would not

3:46:28consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people. The conclusion Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God and the truth of his gospel is the worst, and the worst to be born. When this temptation comes it takes away my girdle from me and removeeth the foundations from under me. Oh, I have often thought of that word, have your lorins girt about with truth, and of that, when the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do? Sometimes, when, after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from him have been the discovery of his grace. Sometimes, when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so-syncing under trouble, and then, again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise to give such way to comfort, with such strength and weight have both these been upon me. I have wandered much at this one thing,

3:47:30that though God does visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of himself, yet I have found again that such hours have attended me afterwards that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible than I could well tell how to stand under, and yet, at another time, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick. Or rather, my heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least dram of refreshment, though I have looked at all over. Of all tears, they are the best that are made by the blood of Christ, and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with morning over Christ. Oh, it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms before God. I hope I know something of these things. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart,

3:48:31one in clinings to unbelief, two suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth, three a leaning to the works of the law, four wanderings and coldness in prayer, five to forget to watch for that I pray for. Six, apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have. Seven, I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with me. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good. One, they make me uphore myself. Two, they keep me from trusting my heart. Three, they convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness. Four, they show me the necessity of flying to Jesus. Five, they

3:49:34press me to pray unto God. Six, they show me the need I have to watch and be sober. Seven, and provoke me to look to God through Christ, to help me and carry me through this world. Amen. End of Part 9 End of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Centers by John Bunyan.