I Didn't Cry When My Mom Died

0:00when my mom died, you were out of the country. And I was with my siblings. I don't remember crying. And I don't remember any of my siblings crying either. Welcome to the Connection Codes podcast. I'm Phyllis Hill, and I'm here with my best friend, Dr. Glenn Hill, marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist. We are the founders of the Connection Codes, the guide to human connection. Yeah, we're the founders, not the inventors. And we're here to help you find the Connection Codes as well, to discover or perhaps rediscover the authentic, vulnerable, real, ethical you. And that will lead you to deep connection with yourself and with others in any situation, because humans connect through core emotions. Thank you for being here. Oh, let's get started. Hello, world. Hi, friends.

1:00Welcome to our new space. Yes. We moved this past weekend, and we are just five minutes from where we were. So we're still in Nashville. And we are actually sharing a house with our youngest daughter and her husband and our youngest grandchild. Yes. And who's growing up? Yes. Very fast. He reminds us of that. Yes, he really is. He's just got a big boy bit. That's true. It's a big deal. Yes. But he's got a big boy bit. But he's about to turn three. Yes. And his cousin just turned three. Right. So life is good. We are in town at the moment in our new space. And we want to talk about just really grief. I know that we actually had someone on the podcast recently that has written a book about grieving. And it's such that topic seems to come up a lot. And I just want to dig a little bit deeper in even just

2:02the way that we often as Christians want to bypass the emotion of grief. And I love the example of Jesus with Mary and Martha. So we kind of want to start there and just unpack that. And even share a little bit about our own story, grief. And let me add, Jack, you say we as Christians, which I think is true. I think we faith-based people really struggle with this a lot. But I don't think it's just a Christian religious thing at all. I'm, this is my theory, my opinion, just based on the science of it, we all have mirror neurons. And when we see someone else's experience, and this great research has been replicated so many times that we're pretty set now. I would pretty clear on it. But whenever I see you get injured, I feel pain. The pain region of my brain activates. Well, that's not based on a Bible verse or a faith positioning. That's just human. That's just how humans function. So when we see someone's emotional pain,

3:04the brain doesn't distinguish physical from emotional pain, the fundamental connection cause protocol. And when we see that, the message of pain is there's a problem. And we're trying to eliminate the problem. And what happens is we see someone else's pain. We see someone else suffering their struggle. And we want to fix it quickly. We want to eliminate it because we're experiencing it as well. Maybe at a lower level than they are. But whenever I see your pain, I want to eliminate the pain. So I want to smooth it out real quickly. So whatever the situation is, you say, oh, I lost my job. And I'm like, oh, we'll get another job. There we go. And that's another connection cause protocol slower is faster. Because what I just did is really fast. Like, oh, we would get another job. You're talented. You're gifted. Everything's going to be fine because I feel your pain. I hear it. I'm experiencing it. Again, not necessarily exactly the way you are. By any means, but I am experiencing it. And so inside of me is this deep craving

4:06to eliminate the pain source as quickly as possible so that I don't feel pain. Hmm. Yeah. And I think that, I mean, there is a process in it as far as getting slower with each other. And I know there's a lot of studies that even talk about like the power of crying and what tears do. And yet, I think for many of us, we have been taught from a young age almost like that is a sign of weakness to cry. And that kind of leaves us going, I hear this from people all the time, I don't cry. I don't ever cry. Almost like I don't know how anymore. It stopped a long time ago. And I think, wow, how do we acknowledge that, find that in ourselves, and then reignite it, what you say? Well, I mean, if we want to be trite about it, we can say the core motion wheel. Just do the core motion wheel endlessly. And you start tuning in. You start being aware of yourself.

5:08But the core motion wheel is a tool that we developed to accomplish that. Really, it's just relaxing into your authentic self. And we hear people all the time say, oh, well, I need to try harder with this, with a connection codes or whatever, with emotional intelligence or something. We don't need to try less, because you're actually trying hard whenever you're resisting. Because we know this, because if you stepped on a nail, you don't have to try hard to say out. It's like, well, I stepped on a nail. I was just really trying to focus. And so I said, oh, that's not true. You, your brain registers pain, and you verbalize immediately. So we know this is true for people. And if somebody doesn't say, oh, which we've met a few people, not very many, very few. But we met a few who are like, oh, no, no, I would go in the other room by myself. I wouldn't want to inconvenience to anybody else, or want to bother anybody else. Well, that's nonhuman. That's very unhealthy, dysfunctional.

6:08I'm not judging those people. I'm just saying that's just the human functioning, or disfunctioning, as the case may be. But we know that this is designed inside of us. We're supposed to convey what's happening. So our goal is to get people to relax into themselves, into their authentic self, and be able to convey what's happening for them. You know, I think we've had several on the podcast lately that talk about, I know, John Kilmer's shared about somatic. And I didn't even know what that word was. I don't know, maybe five years ago, maybe time flies. So maybe it was 10 years ago. But it's kind of that idea of feeling, like tuning into yourself. And that has been a real challenge for me to actually feel. And I hear what you're saying about the core emotion wheel. And maybe that's a lot of what helped me start the process of feeling. And that's the beauty kind of a somatic,

7:09is to learn to go a little deeper into not just the brain. Like, OK, the brain house is emotion. And so I've got those regions firing. Let me figure those out, but to feel. And this just happened to me the other day, being in the new house, having moved, if any of you have moved recently, you know that it's such an emotional experience, it's exhausting. It's like, you know, there's so many layers to moving. And so the other day, I was here, I think it was Monday morning, you left early for jury duty. And everyone left, like summer and Kurt went to work, and Little Malley went to the nannies. And so I'm here by myself for the first time in this house. And things were still pretty disordered, like as in lots of boxes, couldn't find things, lack of organization, like all the things that happened when you moved. So we moved over the weekend, and so this was Monday morning. And I felt it, like, and I felt something going on in my body.

8:13And so I'm like, OK, what's happening? And I always start with the wheel, because that's just where I know I can get somewhere. But then there was this really strong feeling of sad and lonely. And then I was like, oh, there it is, OK. And then I felt a feeling inside my body, and I said, do you need to cry? I asked myself, do you need to cry? Cry, let it out. And I began to cry. And it's just so interesting, because that is what my body needed. But I didn't even know that that's what my body needed. And so I had to find it, and then ask myself, do I need to cry? And then, wow, it was like this relief, right? And this almost release that happened for me. And then it was very quick, because my phone, in the moment that the tears, the few that fell, fell, my phone dinged. And I looked at it, and it was a dear friend who said, hey, I have some time, and I would love to come over

9:14and help unpack boxes, which actually made me cry more, because that was the need. I really needed some help. And I needed someone to come over with fresh energy, and be able to just dive in and not be like this lonely emotional thing that I was in the moment. And so I think that for many of us, we think, either you got it or you don't. You're either, yep, I cry or I don't cry. And instead of realizing how important it is, that we find that part of us, because that is the human condition. If you have a baby that doesn't cry, that is usually a sign that there's something really wrong. But we've been so conditioned. And I hear what you say, that it's not just faith-based people that have been conditioned this way. I would say as a society, tears are a sign of weakness. Boys don't cry. And just things that we grew up hearing, but I think that Jesus does such an incredible example

10:16with Mary and Martha. And I love that. Like he showed up at the scene with them already knowing that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. And he could have actually walked in and said, hey guys, it's okay. I'm here, and I'm going to raise him from the dead. I mean, that's true. He so could have said that. And yet he opted to cry with them. And I would just love for us to unpack that some. As far as... Well, just the power of slowing down, the power of that emotional experience for them all. And that he didn't opt out. And I kind of love what you say that. So often it's the mirror neurons. It's like, I walk into a situation and people are sad or people are unhappy. Well, that fires that in my brain. And I don't like that emotion or I don't like that feeling. And so I just want to get everybody back into the okay cat.

11:20And so we come up with these phrases that a lot of them are biblical. I mean, they're verses in the Bible. And so we repeat them. And all things work together for good. And I think, wow, but we use them almost like a bandaid. I want to really quickly put a bandaid on this so that you're not in pain, but also so I'm not in pain. Yeah, and obviously, Deskript was often used as a weapon. And we actually damage people. And the process of trying, I'm not even judging the intention. I'm not judging the heart behind it, but the process is trying to hurt people. We end up harming people. And I did this countless times for lots of guilt and shame. But as far as I know, I never did it maliciously. I did it from a good intention, good desire. I thought I was doing good in helping people and in reality.

12:21I wasn't. So to go back to your question, just the angle on the question. Well, just as far as like we want to bypass the pain, we don't want to slow down with each other. We want to fix the feeling or the emotion. And yet the damage that that does. And I think about that just even in my own story, like there's been times, you know, where it's almost like, I know who I can cry with. I know who I can be really authentic with. And then there's those people who I'm like, I know what that's going to look like. And I, you know, we have a connection codes blog post. And we have a great article about everything we're talking about today on the podcast. And it really brought me back to when my mom died. You were out of the country. And I was with my siblings. And the way I'm remembering it, it's been 12 years,

13:25almost 13. I think, wow, I don't remember crying. And I don't remember any of my siblings crying either. And so I think, wow, there was a lot going on in that. And I think, were we not safe enough with each other to cry? Was it more, you know, my mom was 90. And she had been suffering with cancer. And so there's the bad answers, right? She's in a better place. We are so, you know, we know she's in heaven. And which are all true statements, but it's like we bypassed just that, the crying and how important that was in that moment. And I think about like even the, the, the, the listening, like the, the power of the, and how people slow down with each other.

14:32Like, and I don't remember in that time that there was a lot of that or the question, what happens? What happens for you when you think about your mom being gone? I don't remember anybody asking me that for sure. 13, almost 13 years ago. And I don't remember almost being allowed to think about it. It was kind of like, okay, she's gone. We got to get the house cleaned out. We got to hurry. It was all much more than logistical. We just went into this huge logistical mode. And, you know, it, I think we've missed a huge, huge opportunity in that moment for just the connection, the deep connection that could have happened through the tears, through just allowing ourselves to what, what happens for me? What, what happens for me now? You know, what happens going forward? What happens with mom gone?

15:33And how much that relationship meant to me? And so, yeah, I look back over my own story. And I think, yeah, and, and even at the fact she was 90, I wasn't ready for her to be gone. I was in my 50s and I still really needed my mom. And so, the things that we say, it's almost like to understand, we often are trying to bypass just sitting with people in their pain. And I'm just so fascinated that Jesus was able to cry with Mary and Martha and the friends of Lazarus, knowing he was about to change the whole ending to the story. Like, how fascinating is that? Well, several things come to mind. The very first protocol that we cover in the connection is book is that I don't want to be vulnerable with you until I know that you're safe, but I'll never know that you're safe until I'm vulnerable. So it takes a risk.

16:35And, you know, there's some people that you know you're not safe with. So let's find, don't be vulnerable with them. But in a lot of scenarios, if we were vulnerable, we might find out that people are actually safe for us. But then I also think, and I have many, many weaknesses. So I want to make sure that's clear, because I have a few strengths that I'm good at. And one of those is, and I was kind of taught this, you know, I don't know exactly how it played out from the beginning, but I cry freely, and I just don't care anymore. And if you don't like me crying, if you're judging me in crying, well, you don't have to be around me, that's fine. And as a man in this culture, especially, and I always say that men are doubly cursed, because in this culture, we don't like crying. But even worse, we say, boys don't cry. We don't really say girls don't cry. We kind of, we stay wouldn't, or at least go to closet by themselves. But we actually have phrases, you know, man up, boy.

17:39And we just expect people, men, males, in particular, to not convey emotion, to not cry. And part of my evolution in this is simply becoming attuned with my own core self, which again, I'm a connection coder, which has facilitated all that for me. But to be able to convey, and I think a big part of that is, recognize that emotion is not good, but right, wrong, positive, negative. And that's probably the number one question we get. Why are there, you know, seven negative emotions on the wheel and only one positive? None of them are positive or negative. They just are, they just exist. And when we approach it that way, or experience it that way, I don't know if it's experienced, but when we just have that perspective, then the emotions are not nearly as daunting. If seven of the core emotions are negative, if fear is negative, if hurt is negative,

18:40if shame is negative, well, then we have a pre-establishment of resisting of their negative, they're bad. So, and I get it, they don't necessarily feel good, but they're actually trying to help us, you know, stopping and filling the car with gas, well, I guess that's negative. I mean, who wants to do that? I've never heard anybody go, hey, baby, we got a little extra time. You want to go fill the car with gas? Oh my gosh, that'd be so fun. Well, no, but we know that that's just part of the process. So we're not mad, and I assume not mad at our car. We're not mad at the gas stations. We're not mad at the gasoline. We're just like, well, this is just, this is what gets the car to function. This is what makes the car operational. Well, emotions are what make us operational. Processed emotion is very important to this thing, because I'm not talking about unprocessed emotion. That's what ruins us. Core emotions, build us or ruin us. They're either constructive or destructive. And you don't get to choose that they're not neutral,

19:43because a lot of people will be like, well, no, I just don't do emotion. I ignore them. That's not true. And I'm actually partnered with someone who thought that for a bunch of her life that she didn't do emotions. That's not true. They were there. She just tried to ignore them, step around them, suppress them. Whatever, not on purpose, she just didn't know. So I think the more in tune we become, again, start with the premise that emotion is not good, but it's not right or wrong. It just is. And if I felt hurt with Phyllis, I'm not blaming her for it. I'm not even saying she's bad, because I felt hurt by what she said. Was she involved? Well, yeah, by definition, she's the one that said the words that she contribute to my hurt. I mean, I guess. But I don't even know how much. Most of you know our dishwasher story. Philips to say thanks for learning the dishwasher. And I would feel hurt. So therefore, she's bad. No. Well, she must be wrong. No, not at all. Literally, she was 0% at fault in that. But I wasn't wrong either.

20:43I wasn't trying to feel hurt. Now my behavior afterwards, I was bad. It was wrong in the steps of middle. But the emotion itself just feeling pain in that. It's not right or wrong. It just was. So I would love for everybody to just breathe deeply and go, oh, OK, this is the three phrases we said all the time. You know, we go, what's happening for me? What am I missing? Why am I missing? Oh, I felt severe. Oh, I felt some shame. Oh, I felt some hurt. And if we think those are bad or wrong, we're going to pre-establish, we're going to resist it. And we're going to not want to recognize it. Oh, I felt some shame. Look at that. And to simply pick it up and examine it, look at it. You know, it's called the consultants. They're just tapping us on this order going, hey, Glenn, you were impatient with Phyllis earlier. And they go, oh, yeah, I feel some guilt about that. I missed with her on that. Tell me because I'm bad or evil. Not because I hate Phyllis. I just missed. I was busy. I was distracted. And whatever. I just missed with her. And I feel some guilt that I missed with her.

21:44But guilt is not negative. Again, if I think guilt is negative, well, I'm going to resist that. I don't like bad things in my life, in myself. But they're not. So just tuning in, allowing ourselves to relax back and to, because we did this well. When we were 12 months old, 15 months old, 18 months old, then somewhere along the way. For me, it was about the time I was five years old. Maybe four, I don't even know. But I had learned not to convey what was happening for me, what was authentic, what was real, what was at the core, and certainly not in the moment. So I just need to relax back and do my original coding, my original self, my original core. And the more I'm able to do that, I don't know, perfectly. I'm pretty good at it. But I'm just a pilgrim on the journey. The more I'm able to do that, the more I'm able to connect. And with myself, but also the other people and to be safe for myself and for other people.

22:47Are you familiar with the term spiritual bypass? Yeah. So it's a number of times. So tell me or explain to me just that idea, that concept, spiritual bypass. That's a new word for me. OK, yeah. I mean, again, what I was describing earlier that I did, someone would come and go, I lost my job, you know, kind of stressed, like, oh, God's got this. Let go and let God. And so I'm making a spiritual. And I'm bypassing their experience. I'm bypassing certainly their emotions, and this sort of reconnection goes. But even as a connection goder, I've done this way to many times. And so I'm just making a spiritual. And for faith, these people, it sure sound right. I mean, who's going to argue, let go and let God? Oh, wow, brilliant. No, actually it's not. And it sounds blasphemy. There are probably people in our community, even when I say that, they don't keep believing you said that. Let go and let God. That is so right. That is so spiritual. You know, that's just the, we're not walking through.

23:48You know, we often say the only way through it is through it. Well, we're not going through it. We're just skipping. We're, like, remember that gang canyland, one of the worst games in the history of the world? I've played it, I think, thousands of times. And I love my children, but oh, my goodness. And they always want to play gang land. And there's a bypass in it where, you know, if you land on this square, you get to skip, you know, a good portion of the board. To my knowledge, I never, ever landed on that square, ever. And my children always landed on it. And I'm not bitter when you say it's not fair. But I never got to bypass. So what people are trying to do is just throw something spiritual in there, and then we get to bypass all this stuff. And just like you shared, you know, your mom passes, which was so big for you, well, I'm just going to spiritually bypass it and bring it in there. Oh, she's with God now. And then that's the end of the conversation. There's no more discussion. What are you going to say? Well, then I'm mad at God.

24:49Well, you can't say that. Well, I think God made a poor choice because I needed my mom more than God did. God's already got plenty of, you know, souls or whatever around. Well, you're not allowed to say that because I spiritually bypassed it. And now it's spiritual. Now it's in the religious realm. So you can't say anything further. You need to show him stressed about the move. I'm like, well, God's in control. God's going to handle this. Well, what are you going to say? No, he isn't. I have to load the boxes. They're packed the boxes. They're in a load of the boxes. You know, I have a lot of responsibilities here. Well, that sounds blasphemous. I said that because now you're missing God. Now you're, now you're, what would you call that, disregarding God in it. Well, you know, faith, faith people don't want to do that. And so now we've actually shut down the whole process. And you know, that's connected to this protocol. That's the reason we say every emotion is an opportunity

25:51to connect or not most people do, be or not. And that's true with bi-emotions as well as anybody else's. So for Philips to come to me and say, oh, I'm so stressed about the move. Well, that's an opportunity. Now, stress is not a core emotion, but that's an emotion. There's an energy. There's emotion in that. And for me to follow that energy, go, oh, so what happens for you there? Well, that's a whole different approach than going, oh, it's going to be fine, babe. You know, God loves you. God's going to handle it. We're good. You know, God's in control. Let go, let God, whatever. So that's the spiritual bypass. So we just make it spiritual. And the problem is, I don't know if it's true or not, but I think spiritual bypassing always shuts people down. I don't like saying always about human behavior. I think it always stops the humanness, the human. I think we would be surprised how often, if not always,

26:54often it shuts people down. And you won't know that based on the other person's reaction. Because they're not at that point when you do the same. Right, when you do the spiritual bypass. And again, there's truth in what we say, right? There's truth in saying, God's got you. That is true. It's the bypass that means, hey, your emotion is not, your emotion, what your feeling is not valid, or not even right. Like we often put a judgment on it. Like you should not be feeling that. And so we, instead of sitting with people in whatever the situation is, that they're trying to share, we want to just quickly bypass it and fix it and put a scripture on it or prayer on it, which are beautiful things, but we've put it out of order. That's the thing, even going back to Jesus' sweat. So you think about, he's on the road, he's headed to the tomb.

27:55Lazarus has died, he's already in the tomb. And yet Jesus still weeps with them, mourns with them, cries, like it's not a quiet little cry. It's a very verbal, vocal, a very emotional experience. And he does that with them. And the way the bystanders, the way the scripture says, they go, look how much Jesus loved him. It was a sign of love. It was not a, oh my gosh, this is embarrassing. What is he doing? He just got here. No, the way the crowd responded was to say, look how much he loved Lazarus. And so Jesus went into the moment. He didn't bypass it to the part where he was going to raise him from the dead. He actually went through and sat in the emotion. He walked with them, he cried with them.

28:57And I think that is where we miss. And we avoid that part and we go to the other, which is also truth, like Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead. So there was truth in that. And the scriptures that we share with people, the prayer, there's truth in that. We just can't miss sitting with people in their story, sitting with people in their experience and their emotion. And getting, inviting them in, what happens for you when is such an invitation. Or like, let's say you've mentioned this a couple of times, as someone lost their job, what happens for you with losing your job? Like get them to share. I would think there would be fear. I mean, but that's my thinking. Maybe there's not fear. Maybe they are set up beautifully. Who knows? Maybe there's guilt for losing their job. I don't know. You don't know until you ask, right? So don't think, don't just assume you know,

29:58ask people and pull them into their story. What happens for you in this situation? And then, so don't bypass that. It's super important to hear people's story, to hear their experience, to sit with them, and then, to get to the part where you can possibly help, or give them the prayer or the scripture that could encourage. But if you bypass and you don't sit with them, like what you just said a minute ago, so often, that scripture doesn't encourage, or that prayer is not even felt, because you've totally missed their experience. Yeah, and that connection goes protocol there that I think is so significant is, you can be totally correct and absolutely wrong at the same time. You may be totally correct, content wise. You get a faith-based position, you're not. Somebody says, I lost my job. I was fired, or a company downsized, or whatever.

30:58And you say to them, oh my gosh, you're so talented, you're gonna get another job in a week. You may be totally correct. I'm not saying that's not true. Yeah, not based on a Bible verse, maybe true, these are super talented people, maybe a faith-based person, maybe not. They're plenty of employed, non-faith-based people who are doing great work. So you'd be totally correct and accurate in your information, but you're absolutely wrong relationship wise. So again, we've done this, we do this even with little kids. A little kid falls down, whatever, scrapes her knee, or things they scraped her knee, and they didn't stop bleeding or anything. And they're pretty overwhelmed. And we say to them, you're fine, you're fine, you're okay, you're okay. No, they're not fine. No, they're not okay. If they were fine, okay, they wouldn't be crying. They're crying again, whether it's a physical or an emotional pain, it's still, and I've watched our daughters, especially, do this with their kids, nice love it.

31:59When the little one will fall, and I always think of Star, and Star would go, wow, you must have thought you were gonna fall forever. And maybe they fell two steps or something, and it was on carpet, so we're not talking about major injuries here. But I loved the way Star would just get into their world, get into their experience, you go, oh my goodness. And this is when, you know, they're what, a year old, you know, 15 months old. And for them, when they're 15 month old self, it felt like a big, big deal. One of the things Echo says, what's that quote? I think so brilliant. She says, we'll be able to think of it. Give me the first two words. Don't know. If we're not present with them with their little problems when they're little, they won't come to us with their big problems when they're big. And that's a big thing that I experienced sitting with people with couples. They got, you know, our 15 year old won't open up to us.

33:01That's because you've been telling them for 12 years to shut up. You didn't say those words, you didn't say with that intention. But what you said to them over and over again, is you're fine, you're fine. Stop worrying about that. You know, you can't find the Lego Batman. Don't worry about it. We'll get another one. And so you've not been present with them and they're struggling with one of my pet peeve things that parents say is, oh, where do you have adult problems? And what you just told them was to shut up. What you just told them was their experience doesn't count. So guess what? They're not going to come to you in the future. And then I say with the parents and they're like, we don't know how to get our 15 year old to open up to us, to turn to us with their struggles. Yeah, that's a tough one. Because you have finally convinced them not to. And so they don't. And that was not the intention. And I'm not saying that was the plan, but that's exactly the way it plays out. So, okay, we should do the wheel. Wrap this baby up. Okay, well, so if you're listening for the first time,

34:01we kind of, you've mentioned the wheel already earlier, like how to find yourself, how to start this journey. Also, we talked about the ooh, just that audible listening when someone is trying to tell you what's happening for them, for you to be audible is super important. And then just the question, what happens for you? And I encourage you to try that this week. Don't ask why. Ask them on what happens and don't do the spiritual bypass. Like, wait, wait, share that after you've really heard them and they feel heard, which is super important. Yeah, so now I have to add this to it, since you brought that up. We say, you know, go to amazon.com, get an x-large box of booze, cause you're gonna need a lot of them, including for yourself. But if nothing else, the ooh buys you time. So if Philist may come and share something with me, and I don't even understand what she's talking about, and I sure as heck, don't understand how come she's bothered. Buy it. So I can tell her what that doesn't make any sense. That's silly. You shouldn't be worried. And that's, you know, that would be equivalent to a spiritual bypass, even though it's not necessarily from a spiritual perspective.

35:02And we do that with people all the time. Oh, you shouldn't feel fear about that. Oh, you shouldn't feel guilt about that. But if I o her and we're frequently, and there's no math equation on this, but we're frequently six, eight, 10 seconds away from connection, from safety. So if she shares something and we're like, oh, hmm, wow. Okay. So hold on. I think I might be missing something here. That's the third phrase. What happened for you? And those three phrases create that safety. I don't get it. I don't experience it the way she experiences it. I don't have to. I don't have her nerve ending. So by definition, I'm never going to be able to experience everything that she experiences. There are lots of things she experiences. I don't understand. Lots of things I experience that she doesn't understand. But the ooh provides that safety. And again, we call it audible listening, which is an oxymoron. It's not quite audible listening. But it's true, where I'm audible while I'm listening. And that provides the safety,

36:05which provides the presence with each other, which is what we all need, just the human condition. So that's you. And then the what happens just invites people into their story and their experience. I wish so much that back when my mom died, someone had said, so what happens for you? And the thought and the idea that she's not going to be here anymore. That would have really helped me. Maybe that would have cracked open and allowed the tears to flow up, because I really had no tears at that time. They were just shut off. And I didn't know how to find them at that moment in my life. And that would have been really good. And no, let me add again, keep bringing up all these fascinating things. To think that literally no one ever did those. We know a lot of people, first of all we're old, we've been around a while, and we've known a lot of people in a lot of settings. And literally no one asked her, hey, what happens for you with your mom passing? And they're wonderful people.

37:05I am not criticizing, I'm not judging. These are very, very, very good hearted people. But the vast majority of them are simply spiritual bypassing. And they just, you know, slower as faster, they're doing the opposite. They think faster is faster. And they're doing that out of a good intention. We comfort in such a weird way. Like instead of asking, like tell me more about your mom. Like what was her favorite things? We think let's not ever mention the mom again because that brings pain. And it's the opposite. Like it brings loneliness and isolation. Because it's not that I'm not thinking about her. It's that no one is asking. They're comforting by saying, I'm so sorry. Your mom died. I'm so thankful she's in a better place, which sounds beautiful. But it's not actually for me. It wasn't comforting. You know, there are a lot of sympathy cards, which is great. Very kind. But it wasn't that anyone wanted to know, like what's happening for you and all of this?

38:08And what was it like being with your siblings? And all those things, no one was pulling the story out of me. And also just asking about my mom, the things that I loved about her. So yeah, I think we have some big shifts to make in all of these things. So we bring up the core motion wheel. We want to do this on every podcast, but it's also what begins the journey. So we encourage you with the wheel because it begins our journey to finding ourselves and then finding each other. You mean, go first? Sure. OK, lots of joy in this new house that we're in, new setting. Definitely have had sad changes hard. So they're sad in that for me, loneliness and just the task of getting things organized, and unpacked, and finding new ways, and new places to put things. Hurt, my body has definitely been taxed with all of this move.

39:11So my body is telling me I've overdone it a bit. Fear, I think there is fear in change, like as in just, yeah, the unknowns, the unknowns of all the things. So there's some fear there. Let's see, I think some guilt in just not being as organized for this move. And then just some shame and how, when I become really task oriented, I lose connection with people. I lose connection with you. I lose connection with my kids and grandkids that have all pitched in and helped. But I'm so task oriented. I'm telling people what to do and where to go that I don't know that I slow down enough to give enough hugs and tune in. So some shame there. And anger, anger is always a tough one for me.

40:11I think just some anger in how I struggle a lot with routines. So just anger in how far off track I can get really quickly. And just anger about that. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you. For me, lots of sad and anger recently, just with people who are like, oh, the connection goes on work. And they don't connect you go. And I don't think it's very often, it's very tiny percentage. But I do hear that occasionally. And they're either weaponizing the connection goes or they use the connection goes once a week for five minutes. Which is the same as eating healthily. You know, it's like on Tuesday, I eat really healthy. I don't understand why my body's gone healthy. Well, you can't eat healthy. It's the, and then go, what's the matter? So lonely in that, it's like how can they better? How do we get the message clear? I think I probably feel hurt.

41:15Just that, it's just, it's like sharp stabbing pain. I guilt the shame and I miss things with people just knowing how to better, better presented, how to, because I don't know. It's like if I can just get them to do this in the moment, it would work and be powerful. And fear in that too, just a job, a miss on that. And of course tons of joy, just where we are, what we're doing, the move, this new home is just spectacular. Getting travel with you around the world is unbelievable. Very, very thankful, just through that we're getting to live. What is that? Wow. I think that's the will. I'm supposed to, are you getting close? Yeah. I didn't pay attention to the exact words. Wow, thank you guys for being here with us. We encourage you to join our community. Yes. You don't know what that is. Then reach out, we'll also put it in the show notes. Really want to engage with you guys as much as possible.

42:18And we do all of this because you deserve this. So let's do this. Thank you again for joining us on the Connection Coats Podcast. We want you to know this is for information and educational purposes. And we always encourage you to reach out for more support. And here's something we'd love for you to know. There's so much more waiting for you. We have a whole community around this, a place to practice these tools with real people who are on the same journey. Come join us. The link is right there in the description. We'd also love it if you'd share this episode with someone you care about. Somebody you think really needs to hear it. That's how connection spreads. And if you haven't yet, go ahead and subscribe to the podcast. It's actually free and it means you won't miss what's coming next. Email us your questions at info at connectioncoats.co. We love answering them right here on the podcast. So let's partner together on the Connection Coats journey.

43:21See you next time. Dance and sing music