If Your Partner Does This, RUN

0:00When it comes to love these days, we like to think that we've got it all figured out. We have this false sense of, I have control over this, I can filter for someone who's over six feet tall, I can filter for this religion, but I'm not a filter to turn on to say, how kind am I, how loyal am I? This Valentine season, the Happiness Lab is digging into what really shapes our closest connections, with smart, practical insights from experts on love, intimacy, and belonging. Listen to the Happiness Lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos, wherever you get your podcasts having strong self-worth is the foundation of healthy relationships without believing that you are deserving of love and of the kind of love that you dream of. There's just no way to actually get it if you don't believe that you deserve it, which is why I created a 23 page downloadable PDF workbook that is going into your inbox

1:01literally today, the moment that you pre-order my new book, rewrite your story, how to step into your power and get the love you deserve. All you have to do is go to jilliantrekkie.com slash book, you'll scroll down and then you will be able to pre-order this book, submit your receipt, and then you will immediately get this downloadable PDF, 23 pages to your inbox, no questions asked. It is my special way of saying thank you for pre-ordering my new book, and it also gives you something very important and foundational to work on before you get this in your hands. So don't forget go to jilliantrekkie.com slash book and get your free workbook, reclaim yourself worth to your inbox today. Hey everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love.

2:05So I am going to address some pretty important questions today, and one of them is going to be someone who doesn't even realize just how much she is in something that is incredibly unhealthy and potentially dangerous. And I'm just going to get right into it and read this question because I think it's going to help, no I know, it's going to help so many of you. Dear Jillian, I'm at or I'm even past a breaking point. I'm here on Instagram looking for answers despite all of the years of counseling, self-help, and journaling. I've been with my partner for about 10 months. He's the most present loving partner I've had in my entire life. I've never met a man that adheres to a moral code the same way he does.

3:08However, he has major trust issues and anxiety. He's accused me of cheating more times than I can count. He's gone through my phone to read every message I've ever sent. He even read through two years worth of text for a relationship that ended three years ago and started arguments over it. He seeks reassurance through proof. He has to prove loyalty by searching for any sign of betrayal and infidelity. I'm nervous every time my phone rings that the telemarketers name might be a man's and I have to explain myself. He's not violent but his anxiety gives me anxiety. We've talked over in couples counseling, countless times. He minimizes his anxiety in those sessions and tries to

4:11make it sound like I'm unreasonable. At the same time, he says he's focused on his growth and he recognizes that this is an issue, not just in this relationship but in his past relationships as well. He journals and listens to podcasts and seeing he's doing the work on himself, at least that's what he says. We broke up about a week ago and he's been heartbroken and desperate to make things work and repair this. However, yesterday I was out with a long time co-worker who I've had never had the slightest flirtation with but happens to be a man. My partner showed up, you mean ex-partner, right? Because you broke up. He showed up somehow miraculously despite living two hours away at the exact restaurant I was at. It's not so miraculous actually. I welcomed him over and didn't tell my co-worker we had broken up.

5:14We all chatted and he was embraced with love and respect from both of us. That didn't stop him from accusing me of doing something unfaithful by being out with a man and not telling him. He said that within only a few days of us breaking up, I was out at a bar with a man. I was so furious I walked away from the conversation. He promptly apologized but I'm at a loss. There's a thousand other similar incidents. I'm writing because I appreciate what you've shared but I'm hurt by things like you won't feel insecure with a loving partner or if they're causing your nervous system to send wording signs because I am a loving understanding partner. And that's just not fair. I can't keep being the punching bag for someone's insecurity and certainly I am not the cause. Right, but you're with someone who's sending your nervous system into complete chaos and that is why I give that message so often and why it's so important because it's exactly for people like you. This is not someone who is jealous and insecure and has anxiety.

6:21This is someone who's got full-blown paranoia. There is no amount of journaling or podcasting that is ever going to help him. He needs serious help and he is potentially dangerous to you. I would make sure that you block him everywhere. I would make sure that if he shows up anywhere where he's not invited to like he did when you were with your coworker that you tell him calmly that if he does that again you're going to get a restraining order. I would also really watch the story that you tell others and that you tell yourself. You're saying this is the most loving, present man you've ever been with but nothing that he's doing is actually loving. This is not what it means to love someone. You don't constantly accuse them. You don't show up unannounced. You don't, I mean everything that he has done that you shared in this letter is completely

7:28disrespectful and not love and it's certainly not someone who adheres to a strong moral code because some would argue that some of his behavior would be unethical. This episode is sponsored by Babel. Learning a new language is an important thing especially if you want to travel and here's a real travel hack. Don't wait until you land to start learning the language instead try Babel. Even just 10 minutes a day with Babel can help you start having real conversations in as little as three weeks. What I like about it is that it's built for real life. There's no like vocabulary list. There's no verb charts. It's just like real conversation practice. Lessons are quick, practical and built by more than 200 language experts and their award-winning episode over 25 million subscriptions and is backed by a 14-day money back guarantee. If you've got

8:30some end of summer or fall travel coming up now is the time to start so you can actually use what you learn on the trip right now. Babel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to Babel.com slash Gillian. That's Babel. B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash Gillian for up to 60% off. Wools and restrictions may apply. So my big is concern for you and for anyone who's listening or watching is that if I had a dime for how many times someone has said I'm with the most amazing person but and then they start to list these things where it proves that the person is anything but amazing and look I understand and have lots of compassion for the fact that there might be parts of him that are wonderful and that trying to reconcile how someone can be like amazing in some ways but horrific because what you're describing is actually horrific. In other ways I know how hard

9:34it is to reconcile that but the reality is that the most unhealthy people that we could be in a relationship with often have other parts of them that are loving you know it doesn't mean that he's evil to the core or anything like that but this is this is actually emotional abuse but it's coming from an extreme paranoia and again I want to really emphasize there is a difference between having some insecurities having some jealousies having some a little bit of paranoia because your last relationship ended in infidelity and then there is complete paranoia that compels a person to go through your phone to constantly accuse you to show up unannounced after especially after you've broken up and a lot of cases suggest in these types of paranoia

10:34that there is eventually violence that happens it's not a guarantee it's not a guarantee but it can he could and even if he's not violent towards you he could be violent against another man who thinks there's a threat to him and so you're right no you can't be a punching bag and in fact like I said you need to block him absolutely everywhere if he continues to show up unannounced you have to get a restraining order this is such an important question and I'm sure that I and I'm so happy that I found it because abuse when it is not um physical violence when it is not this sort of overt aggressive verbal violence can be very very tricky to identify especially when there is also other things that are about their relationship and about the person that um is loving and kind you have to trust and now I'm going to really

11:41drive my home my point home because yeah you do have to pay attention when you are with someone and your nervous system is completely indissire because you feel like you're a punching bag and because you're being accused of things that you haven't done repeatedly and um and and your boundaries are being violated repeatedly him going through your phone unacceptable him um you know going past two years is a sign of mental illness he needs help that is so that is so deep and you need to stay as far away from him as possible so I hope this helps and I hope says I hope this helps anyone who um thinks that they may be in something that that is potentially abusive or you think that maybe a friend is in something that's potentially abusive because this is really important this episode of Jillian on Love is brought to you by alloy health

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13:45use the code on love to get 20% off your first order your menopause and perimenopause specialized doctor will help you build a skincare plan for your needs plus you get zero dollar unlimited messaging with your doctor head to nyall.com and use code on love to get 20% off your first order this code is valid on products only these are compounded products not subject to FDA approval so this is another question but it's gonna be my advice is gonna be very different this is really about when the problem is actually you so dear hi jillian I find myself consistently breaking up my relationships with different partners when there's a difficult argument I do it because I want to feel seen but they don't see me in that moment so I choose quote-unquote peace by saying I'm no longer interested in the heat of the moment and then when I feel better after about

14:4724 hours I want to talk to them again but most of them would prefer to move on am I the drama that they even love me at all so um yeah you are the drama I mean look I'm I'm sure that you know the people who you're arguing with are no saints and this habit you're you know you're actually very self-aware and very wise because you are I always find it just so amazing when someone is finally just getting to that that realization that that they have a pattern that's not serving them and that's not um that's not good for them arguing and and difficult conversations are a part of being in a relationship because you're with someone who has their own mind and you're someone with your own mind and look sometimes arguing is good it's like if we can open up our minds and be like oh this person has a different point of view than me maybe I should listen you know this habit of

15:53I don't like what's going on right now it's very uncomfortable my peace is disrupted so I just don't want to be with you that is the habit that you want to break and of course they've already moved on because who wants to be in a relationship with someone who um is constantly every time there's an argument saying that they're out so what you want to do is increase your capacity for discomfort everyone's peace is disrupted when there's an argument a relationship like peace is not the goal of a relationship love is and we have to have the hard conversations in service of that love peace is important but this you know there's this whole like you know it's so zikai'sty right now it's so in the pop psychology zikai's if it disturbs my peace I don't want it well sometimes your peace is going to be disturbed that's not the same as having chronic nervous system

16:56dysregulation in a relationship it means that like our our our like we cannot have peace we're never going to have peace all the time in early in just life in general there are going to be things every day that disturb our peace there are going to be things every week that we would rather not deal with in our lives that's going to be disruptive to our peace and it is our ability to be able to face the inevitable inconveniences and stress and stressors of our life that actually determines the quality of our lives this episode is sponsored by better help if I could wake up tomorrow and be better at one thing what would it be honestly there's a lot of things but the first thing that came to my mind is like keeping plants alive like I really want to have a green thumb and like be able to have like a lot of plants and and make them live

18:00for like 20 years and like honestly better is a feeling it's it's defined by you and for better help it's a better help therapist who really gets you it's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over a hundred countries it's progress and it's getting better at I don't know like making your home beautiful with plants and developing a green thumb so sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash on love that's better help.com slash on love we can't have total there's no control you can't have control over your peace all the time and if you're going to be in a relationship you are signing up for moments not all the time but moments where there's going to be some disharmony where there's going to be an

19:01interruption to the harmonious flow of your relationship and that is only evidence of the fact that you are a person and the other person is a person and sometimes there's going to be a little friction and to be able to handle that discomfort to be able to say things are getting heated up it's becoming overwhelming why don't we take an hour two hours or a day max to just reflect and get calm and then talk about it at seven o'clock tonight or talk about it tomorrow you can even say I'm getting heated I'm afraid that I'm going to say something that I'm going to regret I'm totally dysregulated I feel like I feel all this tension in my chest and my belly I'm feeling myself getting angry and I care too much about you and us to say something that I'm

20:01going to regret give me give me a couple hours so that I can reflect and become and then maybe in that couple hours you journal you go for a walk you call a friend you just give yourself some time to find a little bit more homeostasis and then you come back but this is quite literally one of the most important skills that you could ever practice and develop and cultivate within yourself if you want to have good relationships romantic and otherwise with others this is sort of your way of bringing the drama and I believe in you and your ability to to practice this so I hope this helps hi jillian I am battling with excessive rumination related to revenge in the context of a breakup it I hate it it consumes my thoughts I'm borderline obsessed with making things fair and

21:05just I hate that he gets away without consequence in fidelity lies I am also aware that life is not fair and I am not the arbiter whether he suffers or has suffered enough I just cannot stop this cycle I've had lots of therapy I've been told it's trauma now in EMDR I'm at my wit's end you know you're not alone it can be you know on someone when you're in a relationship with someone you find out that there's lying and cheating it's like you know you can get just super super angry it's um it's not uncommon to have thoughts of just wanting to get back at the person um it's part of being human but where it consumes your thoughts to the point where you can't move on is almost always because of a story that you're telling yourself and part of the story that you're telling yourself is that they're going to get away with it and it's and based on what you said it's like it's being

22:05consumed with the fact that they get to live their lives and be happy while you're left with the wreckage of what they did to you and that is so incredibly unfair but no one really gets away with anything you know the lying the cheating the subconscious always remembers so anyone who is going to repeatedly lie to and betray the people who they care about I promise you that they are not at peace with themselves I promise you that even if they repress it they lie to themselves they tell them they tell themselves a story that has them justify everything everyone at some point has to face themselves and it will show up in their back pain that repressed emotion it'll show up in their next relationships because you think that they're just going to

23:09lie and cheat to you and then jump into another relationship and have this incredibly healthy relationship no at some point in this person's life they're going to have to look in the mirror and and see the pain in their face and feel the pain in their body because they just are not getting the love that they want and they may or may not ever have the awareness or the courage to say maybe the problem is me you know maybe I have some patterns that I need to look at but they'll never actually escape their conscience this episode is sponsored by Quince I am wearing a Quince T-shirt right now I am wearing Quince pajama pant bottoms right now as I record these and on my bed are Quince sheets I love Quince I've been talking about Quince with all my friends everyone I talk to they're like oh my god I love their I love their stuff I mean they're just everywhere

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25:11quince.com slash on love get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too that's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash on love I hope this gives anyone who is in the throes of that anger and wanting revenge and that and that despair that comes with hey this person really betrayed me and now they just get to like live this amazing life it just doesn't work like that it really truly doesn't it somehow will catch up to them and what I would say is that I in in when we are overcoming any sort of betrayal or even just a breakup where there isn't any specific betrayal when we're going through any kind of loss like that we will go through a stage of anger and it's actually one of the stages of grief and anger can be very very productive if we

26:12channel it so all that rage that you're feeling yes watch the story that you're telling yourself about all this but all that rage see if you can channel it into something I don't know channel it into something that's going to make you really like your life or love your life you know they say the best revenge is just moving on and there's some truth to that there's some truth to just channeling that anger into picking up that project that you've been procrastinating on or start or writing that book or whatever that thing that you've been wanting to do that you just kind of haven't motivated to do anger can be an incredible motivator for change so let it be a motivator for you and every time you slip into the habit of repeating that you know I want I want him or I want

27:13them to just to have pain to get hurt to to to really feel the consequences and face the consequences of their behavior rest assured that in some way that is in a completely unknown timeline it'll happen the subconscious the psyche it keeps going for all of us so I hope that this helps I want to hear from you I want to hear from you in the comments you have any questions about this please do not hesitate to reach out to me and my team at hello at julianonlove.com if there's something that I said today that you know that someone in your life has to hear please do not hesitate to share this episode with them because you just never know whose life you could be changing just by clicking share

28:16and until next time thanks for being here julianonlove is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson produced and edited by Travis Howe music by Will Tendi