Jack Benny - Carmichael the Polar Bear

0:00The general program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with, it's all yours. The other day one of those inquiring reporters stopped me on the street with this question. Do you believe that men know as much about cooking as women? Well, I had the answer to that when I said no, but they know plenty about good things to eat. And that I told him is why they all like jello. And ladies all bet your own experience is showing you how true that is. Why everybody likes jello and no wonder. That delicious, extra rich fruit flavor makes every jello dessert a brand new and exciting treat. It's a fruit flavor that's rich and full-bodied and supremely satisfying, right from your first tempting spoonfuls to the very last. And jello is really doubly satisfying because it looks so delicious.

1:01So gain, cheerful, and appetizing. It's a swell dessert. The dessert you can serve as often as you like, for the family will always enjoy it. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell jello, and jello spells a treat. And that was all yours, played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, next Thursday evening, February of the 23rd, the winners of the annual Academy Award for Distinguished Achievements and Motion Pictures will be announced. That's right. The recipients of this great honor for outstanding performances on the sport. And the winners of the annual award for Distinguished Achievements and Motion Pictures will be announced. That's right. The recipients of this great honor for outstanding performances on the sport. Will receive gold statues symbolic of their impressed invability. Yes, sir. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who hasn't a channel and can't jack Benny!

2:01Well, you'll all get this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was very funny, but uncalled for. So, what's the point of the award? Well, you'll all get this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was very funny, but uncalled for. Far were you, Mr Wilson? I wouldn't be so sure about mine not winning the Academy Award for the best actor. Well, Jack, you'll have to admit that your name hasn't been mentioned in that connection. Well, that doesn't mean anything. I can always be a dark horse, you know. Can I feel not with that gray mane? Now, wait a minute, Phil, don't jump at conclusions. You just see my last picture, artisan models abroad. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. You'll see my last picture, artisan models abroad. No, I didn't. Go ahead and fire me. I'm not gonna fire you, Phil, I'm just trying to bring out a point, that's all. Don, do you see artisan models abroad? Well, it's definitely the truth. Jack, I didn't. However, it was raining one night, and I intended to go. What happened? It stopped raining.

3:02Well, it's too bad because you sure missed a real tree. Hello, Jack? Hello, Kenny. Say Kenny. Did you see artists models abroad? Oh sure, I was the very first week and I took my girl along. Oh, well what did you kid think of it? No, that's not. We were neck and neck 60. That's fine. You two always neck when you go to a picture, Kenny. No, during the good earth we made mudfights. Well, you were younger then. I'm going to find somebody who saw my picture if I have to start a contest. Anyway, some of my performance and artists models abroad is deserving of some recognition. I don't say that I'm positive of getting the Academy Award, but if I don't it's a premile. Listen, Jack, I don't want to shout at your hopes. But there's a rumor that Clark Gable has an excellent chance of winning the award. Who? Clark Gable. Gable.

4:02Who? The fine cantis, God. And not only that I hear that Jimmy Cagney's level just stepped right up and caught the prize. Cagney, yes, Cagney. That little guy per what? Or what? Did you see him in angels with dirty faces? Yes, I did. You call that a performance? I certainly do. Oh, why you take that fee where he was electrocuted? He didn't get one last. Some performance. Well, for heaven's sake, you don't expect the guy to get a laugh when he's going to be electrocuted, do you? Yeah, I did got a laugh. You did got a prize. Well, Phil, if you're going to make a joke out of it, there's no use discussing it any further. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. What are you all excited about? Twenty. Phil here doesn't think I have a chance in the world of winning the Academy Award. He does, and how does John feel about it? Well, John agrees with Phil. Oh, move over, fellas. Here's this game, talk. You think I was a flop as an actor. Oh, Jack, you always get so upset when these awards are being given out.

5:03Last year you were jealous because Santa Tracy won it. Me jealous of Tracy? I was wrong. You weren't, and tell him what you did to a picture on the billboards all over town. All right, so I grew a few muck sacks at you. Is that a crime? Me jealous of Tracy. Yes, and the thing you said about him. I wait a minute, Mary. All I said was, I wish I had my ability, and here's luck. That's all. Why, Jack, Benny, what are you talking about? Spencer Tracy's one of the greatest actors on the screen today or any other day. Oh, he is. Why, certainly. Of course he is. That goes for me, too. John was Benny. Kenny, this isn't a revolution. We're just having a little discussion. Well, I don't care. Don is right. Listen, Kenny, I'm just as good as Spencer Tracy any day. All I need is a break. All I can't stand this. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you go to your neighborhood, folks are asking for a package of yellow. It comes with six of his favorite strawberry raspberry cherry orange lemon and lime. I'm going off for it's more.

6:06Well, how do you like that? First time I've ever seen Don so upset. Jack, even his favorite dessert didn't come in Don. Mary, do you think he was really mad? Yes, his chin was up, clever. I'm sorry. There he was, it's getting so a guy can't even express an opinion around here. I don't see why Don should jump on me. After all I've done for him, what did you ever do for Don? What did I ever do? Well, for one thing I just subred him. That's what I did. Discovered him? Yes. When I first met Don Wilson, he was a barter in front of a side show. Valley, who he's for a lot of free. That's what he was. How'd you have an amazing? Jack was a wild man for more kegans. Now, Mary, I haven't been around a freak show since I broke up with Princess Zaza, the snake charmer. So there. No kidding, Jack, did you really go around with the snake charmer? Yes, Kenny, she was a lovely girl, but I couldn't stand that fissing all the time. And now if you've got a song ready, we'd like to hear it. Okay. Just a minute. Come in. Now I go in for Jack, Benny.

7:07Right here, boy, take it, Mary. Okay. Here, buddy, here's a nickel for you. Thanks, Mr. Nodding, get married. Fresh guy, who's a telegram from, Mary? It's from your father, Miami Beach Florida. Oh, from Dad, hey, what does it say? It says, my dear boy, everybody, Miami, seems to think you're going to win the Academy Award. Well. But the sound is very hot down here. Oh, good old man. Always thinking about the weather. Things, Danny, see, Mary, do you think Don is really offended? No. Boy dreaming, baby, in my heart, there's no way I'll fall off the melody

8:07from memory of love, refrain. I know that the best of time I've seen, the best of the meadows of my heart. I have seen the title of the stars flying, always reminding me that we are far. You want the common age and the world, in the air, so that we're not far. Love is now the start of our yesterday, the musical day gone by. Sometimes I wonder why, and the lonely night,

9:14dreaming of a song, so lonely, so lonely, and I am once again with you. When I love for you, and it can't be seen. The best of my love, no my consolation, is in the heart of the star. This letter, garden, when I love you, my heart, is in my hands, I'll give you a day, a spell by swear words in full. No, I dream in vain, in my heart is in vain.

10:15I know that the best of time I've seen, the best of the meadows of my heart. I know that the best of time I've seen, the world, I dream in vain. That was Star Dust, an old favorite sung by Kenny Baker, and very good Kenny, but what made you sing such an old number? Oh, I don't know, Derek, I just sang a mandal. You know, a song like that brings back a lot of memories, believe me, memories. Boy, those sure were happy days, and I was just a kid and didn't know what it was all about. Well, well. Happy days in here again. Now, Mary, Kenny has just as much right to reminisce as anybody else.

11:17He can have his memories too. And how, brother? Kenny, don't be such a devil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, to get out with the program, I'd like to announce that next week we are... Yes, he's done. Oh, yes, our trim Madonna has returned. Hello, Don, did you have a nice smoke? Yes, Jack, and I'm sorry, I lost my temper. Oh, that's all right, Don, we can all make the same. I didn't make any mistake. Oh, but when you say that you're a better active and Spencer Tracy Clark Gable or Jimmy Cagney, just nod you at me, that's all. Oh, it does. Did you hear that, Phil? Well, Don's right, you sound eagophysical. Oh, I do. Guys, I'm not the least bit jealous of Paul Whitman, Mr. Kowski. But you would be if you were a musician. You're a fine leader, Phil. You have yet to conduct a number where you didn't finish a minute ahead of the boy. Well, that's a trouble with him. They're no good in the stretch.

12:19Well, anyway, Phil, Don and I are talking about an entirely different thing. Now, in my picture, artists and models abroad. You're a picture. You're a picture. That's all you talk about. Well, for Alan was right when he said he saw you in form, you can't ask at all. Oh, he did. Well, let me ask you something. He's juicy Alan in that last picture he made. His photo finished. Yes, I saw. Oh, boy, how he tried to hog the camera. What do you mean? Well, any man that will put a false face on the back of his head so he can appear in every scene. Well, and the way he photographs, what they have to go through to make up that panic is. Try to job, huh? A job that's a government project. I'll ever understand why Universal Studios spend thousands of dollars to make a Boris carloft when they can use Alan in the role. Boy, will he burn up when I win the Academy Award next week? How do you know you're going to win it? Because I deserve it. I'm an actor, first, last and all wings.

13:19You're a ham, baked boiled or fried. Listen, Mary, there's nothing Hammy about speaking the truth. Why, in my picture, artists and models of all this is disgusting. You said it. I'm going out for a smoke. Well, Mr. Baker has joined the ranks of the shelters around here. You see down the bad example, yourself? And now ladies and gentlemen, that Kenny is in the other room and it might be a little quieter in here. I'd like to make the announcement that I started five minutes ago. Next week is a special attraction where I'm going to present... ...now what? Come in. Well, hello, Andy. Hi, you buck! Well, Andy, we haven't seen you for some time now. I was hoping you'd drop in last week for my birthday. Well, better rates than never, but here's a little present moment for you. Well, thanks, Andy. Thanks very much. Here you are, buck! I hope you like it. Well, gosh, look, fellas. Just what I needed.

14:19A hand-cated sofa pillow. Great. That'll come in lighty handy. Yeah, you can put it on your pants in case you meet Spencer Tracy. Never mind that. You get so nice and soft. Be sure to thank your law for me, Andy. Well, you better thank Paul, too. He's got an awful cold in his chest on the counter that, Bill. He did? Yeah, Marlstoff did with his beard. Oh, so he cut Paul's beard off, hey? What was the big idea? Well, Marlstoff, he was making faces out her and she wanted to find out. Nice, he was a surprise. Your Paul let her do it. Is he better looking without it? Oh, he's handsome now. He is, huh? Yeah, when Marl was shaving him, she took a dip in his chin. Well, do you hear that, stuff? It's too bad about him losing his Adam's apple, though. Well, well, all that trouble for this little pillow. Anyway, thanks again, Andy. I'm going to keep this in the living room right next to my melodian. And now, Paul. What's that? Can he just say that? Oh, yeah. Well, Mr. Baker, did you have a nice smoke?

15:19Yeah. That's good. Boy, my duty. Now, the third you're right. And now, Paul, once more, I'd like to announce that very bug. What are you laughing at? Did you hear Fred Allen limping tonight? Oh, him again. Why? He said you were so cheap, you put your long underwear away, soaking wet. So the mouth would catch cold. Oh, he said that. Hey, well, how would you like to know that Allen doesn't wear any underwear at all? He said it? No, when it gets real cold, he just pins his shirt tail around him and lets the rest of the world go by. So he better shut up. Well, Allen can say anything you want to about it because you called him a rap. Well, I'm Mary Livingston. I call him nothing of a kind. You didn't say he was a rap? Definitely not. All I said was that the pipe pipe or ever came to New York and walked down the street, Allen would join the parade. That's what I said. Well, then you didn't refer to him as a robin.

16:19No, and the fact that he's partial to food of broccoli is just a coincidence. And now, ladies and gentlemen, now that I've put this for A in his place, we will have a number by the orchestra. What are you going to play, Phil? Yes. Yes, to me now or after the number's over. And he's sick around, Phil's going to rip into a selection for us. Okay, I can stand it if you can. Hit it, Micro. Ready, boys? One for the money, two for the show. Not for Benny and here we go. Outfield. Outfield.

18:00Outfield. That was either a Geeper Shreeper or this can't be loved, played by Phil Harrison as Orkus. Did I guess right, Phil? No, the name of that was Cold type, but you were close. Thanks. You know, Phil, I've been wondering for some time, why do you have two piano players in your band? Two, I only have one. Who's that little guy with a mustache at the other piano? Oh, he's lost. He thinks I'm Guy Lombardo. Oh, he's good at having gold teller.

19:04You know, Phil, one thing I've noticed lately. He's partly for interrupts and bucks, but I think I'll be running along now. I got work to do. Okay, Andy, see you later. So long, old safe buck. I'm not to ask you, did you really get a pull at Berifer for a safe rest of last week? Or was that just a gag? See what we low on there. I wish I were a little bit more. I wish it was a gag, Andy. Believe me, I've had plenty of trouble with that puller bear having a Larry. Yeah. So what happened when you were training in the other afternoon? Oh, that. Say that could happen to anybody. Training him. What are you training the bear for? Jack wants to be ready in case Bob comes back. That's not the only reason. Andy, I'll let's forget about that puller bear. Oh no, what happened when Jack was training the Mary's? So I had a little cattle tail. I dropped in a jacks house the other day and there was all dressed up in a leopard skin, a beanie and a wick at a sound. Is that so? Or a bird? Well, when the bear stopped laughing.

20:05He wasn't laughing. I had him scared to death. Anyway, Jack cracked the weapon, made him sit up and said, night fair, give me your paw. And what happened? Jack got it right in the kitchen. Well, like a Harley-Feeler. Anyway, I got him tame now and he knows who his master is. Jack, do you think you know who sent it up there? I don't know down the first. I thought it might be Fred Allen, but I'm positive now that he's walking. Why? Well, I had Allen's program on last Wednesday and the bear turned it off. So he's a pretty intelligent animal, you know? Hey, Jack, what are you going to do with that bear anyway? Are you going to keep him? Well, I'd like to, Kenny, but it's so expensive. He's fish like mad. And he's so fluffy, he won't eat what I give him. No wonder, Jack's put tails on carrots until they were golden. I know what's the difference. They're good for him. Hey, Barrett, I got a doughnut. See you later. It's so long. So long, Andy, and thanks again for the present. Well, you're welcome. I hope you get the Academy Awards, but...

21:12I don't know why that should be so funny. It might all be surprised. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce for many times this evening, next week is our feature attraction. We are going to present the year supreme effort by the Benny overestimated art group. None other than our version of Daryl Zennich, 20th Century Fox production, that dynamic screen classic, that gripping melodrama, that thrilling and sensational triumph, Jesse James. Thank you. Now, owing to the importance of this great feature, tonight we are going to present a few of the highlights from this tremendous attraction. First... Pardon me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rob Justice. Look, the Alachic army back later, right? So I'm right in the middle of an important announcement. Okay, Barrett, I'll just leave my resignation on the gizzards. Yes, do that. Your resignation. What are you talking about? Now, look, Barrett, I don't mind opening doors, running air, driving your car and cleaning the house. But when you expect me to be waiting waiting for that North Pole,

22:14I'll get in spot quick. I don't get excited, Rockets. If you're in the first place, you can't quit this minute. I haven't paid you yet. That's all right. I'll just take some spoons. We'll do nothing of the kind. Now, tell me what's the matter with Carmichael? Carmichael? That's the bear. What's wrong with him, Rockets? Where are they from? I'm meeting the warster rumble with me. Oh, he's just being playful. Why don't you dance with him? I did this morning and then we got through the applause. The applause? I'll say that was cute. Cute nothing my head was between his balls. Oh, that's too bad. I'm all scratched up like a mere Sonic bear in his head. Well, look, Rockets, you should have done what I told you to. I told you to put that polar bear in the garage. I did that a half hour ago. That's no good. Why not?

23:14I looked out the window just now and he was driving behind the car. Rockets, are you sure with him? I'm positive. He raised that man. Then at what car, Michael? My goodness, Rockets, how are you going to get him back? No worry, boy. He can't go for it. Why not? The car's nearly out of gas and he didn't take any money with him. Well, I'll be home pretty soon. We'll go out looking for him. Okay, so long. So long. I'll say both. Yes. If you win the Academy Award, will you give me a raise? I certainly will. You'll get a nice substantial increase. Man, I sure will you as a better actor? Now, wait a minute, Rockets. There's just for the actors. I'm going to get her. What's that? We'll blow me down here. Come, Carmichael, let the drive leave. I'll bet he's got a ticket. A ticket. How do you know? He's got a poor league winning his mouth. So long. So long. Say, you know what, fellas? I got a regular goldmine in that berry. You can dance, drive a car, and everything.

24:15See if he can leave an arc and see if the shoes fill her. Oh, there's an idea. I'll get him a baton tomorrow. Oh, yes. Our half hour is nearly up. So right now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to give you a preview of some of the highlights from next week's attraction. Jesse James. Gala, now listen, Mrs. James, we're going to run a railroad through your land so I'm giving you just 10 minutes to pack your debts and get off. I mean, I get the love. Oh, Jesse! Jesse! Yes, Maul. This man is trying to take our farm away from us. Oh, he is, eh? Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Nothing to know, but you wait till next Sunday night. Action! Oh, hey you! What? I've got your hands. Take him up. Quick! Okay, but you wait for your time. I haven't got any money. You haven't, eh? Well, I'll do you just seven days to get some. Well, Maul, I was a ralda. A ralda. Will you marry me? No, Jesse, I can't. You have no sex with you. Well, I'll get some by next week. No! Not sure, I'm guessing. Don't, don't, don't, don't! Why not, right? Oh, he said to count six before he approached the campers.

25:16Okay, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and rice. These are just a few of the thrills that will come to you next Sunday night. So be cool and tune in, right there. You know, our holiday is a grand excuse to have company for dinner. And I think everybody enjoys that. So here's a swell idea for a Washington birthday dinner. A delicious new fruit salad made with cherry jello. You can serve it as your salad and dessert course all in one, and it's easy. Here's how to make it. There's all one package of cherry jello in the plant of hot water and it's a great idea.

26:16You can make it with a lot of water. You can make it with a lot of water. Here's how to make it. There's all one package of cherry jello in the plant of hot water and chill until slightly thickening. Then fold in one half cup of seated canned white cherries, cutting quarters, and one half cup of diced canned pineapple. Serve on crisp lettuce with plenty of real golden mayonnaise and believe me, you've got something. Or cherry jello has a deep-blowing crimson color that's mighty tempting, and a delicious extra rich fruit flavor that just can't be chopped. Combined with white cherries and tangy pineapple, you get a colorful shimmering salad that really affects you, and tastes just as good as it looks. So ask your girls for some cherry jello and try this delicious new salad.

27:18The last number of the 21st program in the new Jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. So be sure and listen in folks. Jesse James will be our future attraction. See, Mary, remind me to stop on the market on the way home. I want to get a can of sardines for Carmichael. One can for that big day? Yes, and one sandwich out of it for me. Good night, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah. For all the world's best. Penny Baker prepares on the Jello program for critically immoralized production. In Tundum's day's program with River Blends, you'll never know when. It's all yours from stars in your eyes. This is the National Broadcasting Company.