Jack Benny - Christmas Shopping

0:00Tyler Reddick here from 2311 Racing. Victory Lane? Yeah, it's even better with Chamba by my side. Race to chambacacino.com, let's Chamba. No purchase necessary, BTW Group, Boyd, we're prohibited by law, CTNCs, 21 Plus, sponsored by ChambaCacino. Finding great candidates to hire can be like, well, trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure, you can post your job to some job board, but then all you can do is hope the right person comes along, which is why you should try Zip Recruiter for free. Add ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's powerful technology identifies people with the right experience and actively invites them to apply to your job. You get qualified candidates fast. So while other companies might deliver a lot of, hey, Zip Recruiter, find you what you're looking for. The needle in the haystack. See why four out of five employers who post a job on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day? Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire.

1:02And right now, you can try Zip Recruiter for free. That's right, free. Add ziprecruiter.com slash zip. That ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Warning, the following Zip Recruiter radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words. When you're hiring, we at Zip Recruiter know you can feel frustrated for Lauren even. Like your efforts are futile. And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine. F**k. Fortunately, Zip Recruiter figured out how to fix all that. And right now, you can try Zip Recruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com slash zip. With Zip Recruiter, you can forget your frustrations because we find the right people for your roles fast, which is our absolute favorite F word. In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Fantastic. So whether you need to hire four, 40, or 400 people,

2:02get ready to meet first rate talent. Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash zip to try Zip Recruiter for free. Don't forget that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Finally, that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. The Jack Belly Program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yeah, it's the toasted cigarette. This is Don Wilson. The song you just heard has an important message for everyone who smokes. The sure way to get better taste from your cigarette is to make sure you get lucky strike. It's toasted to taste better. Of course, the better taste of a lucky begins with fine tobacco. And then that fine tobacco is toasted. It's toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process tones up this naturally mild, good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better.

3:04Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, a lucky taste better because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. So be happy. Go lucky. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Daybob, Crosby News, truly Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the middle of the Christmas shopping season and as usual, Jack is going to his favorite department store to purchase gifts for his gang. But before we go Christmas shopping, I'd like to take you to a modest little home in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The home belongs to a department store salesman and his wife. It's five o'clock in the morning.

4:15You were having a bad dream. Oh yeah. That same nightmare. I always have it this time of year, beepers. About that blue idle man that comes to the store for his Christmas shopping. Yeah, only this dream was voice. I looked at his hands and instead of fingers, he had shoelaces. On one hand, the fingernails were plastic tips and on the other hand, was metal tips. But why do I always have to dream about him? No, mal, control yourself. Maybe he won't come into the store this year. Oh, he'll come, he'll come. He's been coming in and driving me nuts for over 15 years.

5:17Well, don't worry about it. Maybe he's maloed. Maybe he'll be kinder now that he's getting old. He was old 15 years ago. Look, mal, look, you go to the store and during my lunch hour, I'll come down to your department and if you've had any trouble, I'll relieve you. Anyway, there's very little chance of seeing him now that you're in the art department. Yeah, I guess that's right, bittersy. You don't look like the kind of guy who would go in for painting. He ate the autistic type. Mr. Bennie, you still got quite a few more names on your Christmas list. Yeah, I still have to get something from my producer and mislivings to now so you can do your personal shopping. Thank you. It will be all right if I charge my things to your account. Charge it. What happened to the Christmas bonus I gave you?

6:17I lost it. Lost your bonus? Gambling? Oh, no. I had a hole in my pocket and rolled down the sewer. I'll wait a minute, Ross. Stop making up jokes. I gave you a $25 check for a Christmas bonus. I know, Mr. Bennie, but I can't cash that check until after next Monday. Why not? Me and the check are appearing on you ass for it. Oh, yes. We'll show them. I'll meet you here later, Rochester. Okay. Yeah, I still haven't gotten anything from Mary. I know what I'll do. I'll buy her a negligee. Now, where's the negligee department? Well, that must be the floor walker over there that man striped trousers from the cutaway coat. Oh, Mr. Mr. Yeah! Are you the floor walker?

7:18No, I'm a pole bearer, but my handle broke. I didn't come here for corny conversation. All I want to know is where I can buy a negligee. On the third floor, but I don't think they have anything in your side. Don't be so smart, it's not for me. Oh, for you, why? No, I'm not married. You don't tell me you got to look that way all by yourself. Now, cut that out. Anyway, I don't need you, I'll find it. The store is so crowded, I don't think I'll ever finish them. Yeah, it looks like my orchestra arranger, Mary and Mary. Hi, Mary. Hey, Ellen. Oh, hello, Jack. Doing your Christmas shopping, eh? Yes, I'm getting some gifts for the boys in the band. Gee, it's a nuisance, isn't it, trying to get... On your bun. Long time no see. Oh, oh, hello, hello. So long bun, see you around.

8:22Yeah, yeah, goodbye. Jack, Jack, who is that, fellow? Oh, he's a racetracked tout. He's always trying to talk me out of everything. I've got to finish my shopping, so long, Melan. Oh, just a minute, Jack. Yes. I'm having a big party on New Year's Eve. I know, I know, you've already invited me. Yes. And I thought that since you've given so many parties, you could help me out a bit. You see, I've already hired a caterer and I thought you might recommend a good bartender. Well, now that's the silliest thing, Mel, spending good money on a bartender. Why does he get one of the boys in your band? I mean, get Frank Remley. Nobody knows more about Grinks than he does. No, I wouldn't try that again, Jack. He was the bartender at the last party I gave. Well, what happened? Well, the first guest to arrive walked up in order to Scotch and soda. Uh-huh. Remley bent down, got the Scotch, never came up again. No, kidding. Well, thanks for inviting me. I'll see you in New Year's. Good. And Jack, if you run into Don Wilson,

9:23see if you can persuade him to come to the party, too. Persuade, Don Wilson? Yes, he never wants to go anywhere since he's taking up painting as a hobby. Painting as a hobby? Say, I'm glad you mentioned that, Melan. I was worried what to get done for Don last year. I got him a box of dates with nuts in them and everything. Now I'll get him some paints. I'm going to the art department. I'll see you later. Tyler Reddick here from 2311 Racing. Another checkered flag for the books. Time to celebrate with Chamba. Jump in at ChambaCasino.com. Let's Chamba. No purchase necessary. BTW Group. Boy, we're prohibited by law. CCNC. 21 Plus. Sponsored by Chamba Casino. Finding great candidates to hire can be like, well, trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure, you can post your job to some job board. But then, all you can do is hope the right person comes along. Which is why you should try Zip Recruiter for free. At ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you.

10:25It finds them for you. It's powerful technology identifies people with the right experience and actively invites them to apply to your job. You get qualified candidates fast. So, while other companies might deliver a lot of hay, Zip Recruiter finds you what you're looking for. The needle in the haystack. See why four out of five employers who post a job on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. And right now, you can try Zip Recruiter for free. That's right. Free at ziprecruiter.com slash zip. That ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Warning, the following Zip Recruiter radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words. When you're hiring, we at Zip Recruiter know you can feel frustrated. For Lauren, even, like your efforts are futile. And you can spend a fortune trying to find fabulous people. Only to get flooded with candidates who are just fine. Fortunately, Zip Recruiter figured out how to fix all that.

11:26And right now, you can try Zip Recruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com slash zip. With Zip Recruiter, you can forget your frustrations. Because we find the right people for your roles fast. Which is our absolute favorite F word. In fact, four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Fantastic. So whether you need to hire four, 40, or 400 people, get ready to meet first rate talent. Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash zip to try Zip Recruiter for free. Don't forget that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Finally, that ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Hey, sure have everything for them. The artist here. Where's the salesman? Oh, there he is. Oh, clerk. Clerk. Yes, sir. What can I do? Oh. It's you again. Huh? How do you find me every year? You got radar or something? What are you talking about?

12:28Gee, he doesn't recognize me. Maybe everything's going to be okay. What are you mumbling about, clerk? Oh, nothing. Nothing. What can I do for you, sir? Well, a friend of mine has taken up painting as a hobby. And I'd like to get him a nice set of paints. Oh, very good, sir. Now, here's a set that's very popular and reasonable, too. It's only $9.95. Well, gee, those tubes of paint seem very small. Well, that's right, sir, but they're the best paints. In addition to the primary colors, it also contains such exotic colors as vermilion, chattrules, toycoids, saris, heliotropes, citron, type of fuchsia, cornal red, white orange, and my blue, and shocking prank. There it has a lot. See, that's a beautiful color right there. That's the most beautiful color I've ever seen. What do you call it? Money green. Well, I'll take it. I'd like a gift wrap. Yes, sir. I'll be back in a second with it. Gee, he doesn't even recognize me. And he didn't give me the least bit of trouble.

13:28In fact, he was real sweet. Oh, boy, I'm lucky. I'll say I'm lucky. This is my lucky day. There. There, that looks pretty. Here you are, sir. That'll be ten and a quarter, including tax. Ten and a quarter? Yes, seems like a lot to pay for just a few paints. Well, not when you consider what you're getting. Most people don't mind paying the extra money for oil paints. They last so much longer than the watercolors. Oh. You have watercolors, too? Me and my big stupid mouth. I had to tell him yet. I couldn't let well enough alone. I had to tell him. Clarke, how much is the watercolors, sir? The $3.95 put you in. They're not nearest nicest bees on. I don't care. I want to see the watercolors, sir. Okay. Okay. I'll have to climb this ladder to get it. It's on the top shelf.

14:30I had to tell him. I had to tell him. I wish I could paint red spots. I might face how he'd think I had smallpox. And he'd go away. I wish I had smallpox. I wouldn't do any good. This guy's lived so long. He must be immune to everything. What is my own fault? Is the watercolors set, mister? Look at it. Say, this looks okay. But it's only got five colors. Grey, blue, black, red, and 30 brown. I don't care. It's $3.95, and I'll take it. And I'll give it to you. And I'll be back. I know you will. I know you will. I know what. Now let's see. What else do I have to get? Gee, I still haven't gone to the Langerie Department for Mary's gift. Yes, what can I do for you, young man? I'd like to buy a Christmas gift for my mother. Well, in Eglige, he's always a very smart girl. I'd like to buy a Christmas gift for my mother.

15:31I'd like to buy a Christmas gift for my mother. Jay's always a very suitable gift. Now, here's a lovely one that I'm sure would please your mother. No, she wouldn't like that one. She never wears anything with a low neckline. Oh, is she modest? No, she's tattooed. Well, here's something that might suit your mother more. Gee, that looks nice. Only I'd like it in a brighter color. You see, my father is always depressed and bright colors cheer him up. Oh, well, we have a large selection of colors. But tell me, what size does your mother wear? Well, gee, I don't know, but she's about as tall as you are. Oh, does she have my build? If she did, my father wouldn't need cheering up. Well, now, how does this one seem? Oh, that looks about the right size. I think she'll like it very much. Will you wrap it up and charge it, please? Yes, sir. Now, who shall I charge this, too? To me, my name is Dennis Day.

16:31Dennis Day? Uh-huh. The singer? Yes, ma'am. Oh, gee, Mr. Day, I'm one of your most ardent fans. I buy all your records and everything. Well, when I hear you sing, I just quiver and shake all over. Three coins in the fountain. There they lie in the fountain, which one will the fountain die? I'm not joking. No, I'm really a great admirer of yours. Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. Dennis, oh, Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Yeah, I heard you singing. I was weighing the other side of the store, but I thought it was a record. Maybe that's because I've got a hole in my head. Well, I gotta run along, Mr. Benny. I still have lots of shopping to do. Same here. So long, kid. Oh, miss. Miss. I'd like to get a gift for a girlfriend. Well, just a moment, sir. That man at the end of the counter was here first. That's quite all right.

17:33Oh, there you are, Mr. Benny. Yeah, Roger, did you finish your shopping? Uh-huh. I even got a present for you. Oh, that's nice. What is it? Oh, now wait till Christmas. Oh, come on, tell me, Roger. You know, I hate waiting. Is this something I can wear? Uh-huh. Is this something I'd wear above the waist? Uh-huh. A shirt. Nope. Nope. Hmm. Is this something I wear above the shoulders? Uh-huh. I've got it. It's a hat. No, but it's right under it. Well, that's a strange gift to give me. Why should you get me that? Well, I run one of your good wins. I threw it in the bendings, and all the curls came out of it. Well, don't throw it away. You save it in case I ever get the part of an Indian in a picture. Okay. Are you done with your shopping, Mr. Benning? Not quite, but you know, I always have trouble getting something for Don Wilson.

18:35And this time, I think I got him a gift he liked. A set of paints. Oh, he should like that, boss. Wherever he sees me, he talks to me about painting. He's really crazy about that, Avi. I know, and I got him a lovely set of watercolors. Watercolors? Oh, he's way beyond that. For the past few months, he's been painting with nothing but oils. Oil? Are you sure? I'm positive. So, Don only uses oil paints. Excuse me, Rochester. I'll see you later. Don't worry, there's no sun. I've been disguised for a minute. I've heard. I've heard. Oh, it's you again. Here's your watercolors. I'll gift wrap them everything. Well, I've changed my mind. I want the oils.

19:35No, no. This can't be happening to me. I leave a good life. I'm kind to my mother. It can't be happening. You just can't. Look, look, control yourself. Okay. Okay. I'm getting calmer. I'll control myself. Good, good. Only Mr. Don, don't, don't be a favor. And tell me something, will you? Certainly. What business are you in? I'm a comedian. Well, what funnily about fans? Look, I... Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not trying to be funny. I just made a simple request. I want the watercolors changed to oils. Now, please gift wrap them and I'll be back to pick them up later.

20:39Well, let's see, I've got to get Mary's gift and then... Oh, darn it, I'm out of cigarettes. I wonder where I can get some. Oh, there's a cigarette machine at the end of the aisle. There it is. You have a fancy cigarette machine. Let's see. Oh, that's some change. I have fun. Fun. Huh? Come here a minute. For me? Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? I'm getting a package of cigarettes. What kind? Lucky strikes. Oh, lucky strike, eh? Smart boy. Huh? You're putting your dough on the favorite? I know, I know. And it's a great bet across the board. Win place in show? No, cleaner, fresher, smoother.

21:43Oh, and another thing. What? Come here a minute. Huh? Look at the breeding. The breeding? It's by sold American out of golds borough not Carolina. Thanks, thanks very much. Is it going to get a pack of luckies? Yeah. Come here a minute. Huh? I'm going to get two packs. Two? I'm trying for the daily double. Smart boy. So long and merry Christmas. Same to you. Same to you.

22:47You want better taste in your cigarette? Lucky strike is the brand to get. It's toasted, does he? Yeah, I got the cigarettes. Now, I've got to go. Hello, Mr. Penny. Why, Mr. Gibson? Oh, look who's here. Mr. Gibson. Hey, how you come along with your Christmas shopping? Practically finished. Did you buy some nice presents? Wonderful. Especially for my magnificent mother-in-law. Oh, your mother-in-law? Yeah, this year I'm giving to my mother-in-law, such a gift. I'm proud I thought of it. A trip to Hawaii. Well, I'm Mr. Gibson. What a wonderful thing to give a mother-in-law. A round trip to Hawaii. Who shared anything about a round trip? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, I better run along. Goodbye, Mr. Penny. Okay, well, Merry Christmas, Mr. Kitzel. Happy you, tight to you all.

23:56Here you are, sir. And I assure you it's a lovely gift. Well, thank you. And I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and do come back again. I don't even know if I'm going to leave. You know, you're one of the most attractive sailors. Miss, can you please? Oh, hold on. Why, Jack? Hey, hey, I'll bet I know something you don't know. What's that? I ran into Bagby, the piano player, and now I know what the boys in the band are going to give you for Christmas. What, what, what? Beautiful set of golf clubs. Oh, isn't that wonderful? I can use a new set. I can hardly wait till Christmas. Well, you may even get them before Christmas with the paint dries. Paint what paint? Where they scratched off the owner's name. Well, they should have left the name on. I'd know who not to play with. What characters they are. By the way, Don, how's your wife? Oh, she's fine now. Now? Yeah, just a few weeks ago. She broke out in hives, and her eyes were always watering.

24:56And the doctors didn't know what it was until they found out she had an allergy. Gosh, what was she allergic to? The oil in oil paints. Oh, no. Yeah, so now I'm going to have to go back to watercolors. You use only watercolors now, Don? That's right. Excuse me, Don. I've got to go somewhere. Now, Melville, control yourself. I can't control myself, Beatrice. I'm going to quit. No, no, no, no. It can't be that bad. It can't be that bad. Look, in a place place. How he finds me, I'll never know. But first, he buys oil.

25:57Then he changes them to watercolors. Then back to oils. Then watercolors. Then oils. He keeps coming back like a bummer, right? Me? I'm going to the office right now, Quinn. Now, look, Melville, I'll tell you what to do. You go and take a nice long lunch hour and lie down, and I'll take your place at the counter. Well, OK. OK, when he comes, that's his package of oil paints right there. I'll see you later. Poor Mel gets upset so easily. I can't let him quit. Now it'll ruin all our plans. We worked in the store together so long. We met in the store. He even proposed to me in the store, and now we're married. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, yeah, yes, sir. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you. Excuse me. Yes, sir. What can I do for you? Well, uh, where's the clerk who's usually here?

26:58Well, he's gone to lunch, but perhaps I can help you. Well, I'm supposed to have a package of oil paints ready for me. Yes, sir. Wait a minute. This must be the man who's been driving Mel crazy. Yet it can't be. This guy couldn't bother anybody. Maybe he's such a kindly looking old shnav. Now, I hear you are, sir, a package of gift wrapped oil paints. 1025, sir. Look, miss, I, I change my mind. I'd like to get a box of watercolors instead. But, sir, you, sss. All right, I'll gift wrap the watercolors. The customers always write. I'll get some watercolors and wrap them and I'll be right back. See, while she's gone, I'd better write out a card for Don. Let's see, I wanted to be something clever. Oh, I've got it. To Don Wilson. Here's lots of colors for portraits to paint.

27:58But don't paint yourself, because that much there ain't. Say that's cute, and people say I need writers. Let's sign a Jack Benny. Oh, miss, miss. Here are your watercolors. Isn't that a pretty package? Yes, it is. Now, will you please unwrap it and put this card inside? Unwrap it? Card inside? Miss, I want you a lot of trouble unwrapping the other one and get wrapping this one. A couple of them consideration, will you? Don't be so mean and so selfish. Well, you're just as bad as that idiot clerk who went to London. Idiot! Listen, you jerk. You're talking about my Melville. I don't care who I'm talking about. Now, unwrap that package and put the card inside. Oh, no, not me. I know all about you. Melville warned me. First, you wanted oil paints, then watercolors, then oil paints, then dates with nuts, and then plain dates.

29:01Dates! Then plastic chips, then metal chips, then plastic chips, then metal dates, then water chips. Then dates with oil, then plastic water, then shoelaces with nuts. Let's miss. Oh, I'm wise to you. You drove my husband crazy, but you're not going to do it to me. Ah, for heaven's sake, I'll just send down the card this year. Just before Jack comes back again, here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette. If you want a bad taste from your cigarette, like this guy gives the man to get his toasted. To give you the best fate yet is the toast to your dear cigarettes.

30:01They take five to back home. It's light, it's mild, to back home too, and it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted. Cause the toasting brings out flavor like you. All you have to do is look at a pack of Lucky's friends and you'll see the reasons for Lucky's better taste, printed right on it. L.S.M.F.T., Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco, and it's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up Lucky's fine tobacco, bringing it to its peak of flavor, making it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So be happy, go lucky, and say a wonderful way to say Merry Christmas to your friends is to give them Lucky's in the beautiful Christmas cartons.

31:02These special Lucky cartons are handsomely decorated in keeping with the gay spirit of the untyed season. They're so nice to give, so wonderful to get. This Christmas give Lucky Strike in Christmas gift cartons. Well boss, have you got everything? Yes I have. Say that's your pretty package. It looks so Christmasy with all that red paper. That's not red paper, that's blood. Blood. I never thought she'd punch me in the nose. Good night folks. The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milk Joseph Burke, George Ballsor, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marx. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous tarot and quantity.

32:02There are yours when you smoke filter tip tarot and filter tip tarot and give you all the full rich taste of tarot and quality tobacco and real filtration too. Because filter tip tarot and incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration, look for the red white and blue stripes on the package. They identify filter tip tarot and the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer and ultra direct.

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