Prosecutors After Dark: Costco

0:00will be called So much an awesome song. Really? Yes. The fact that the captain is now a part of our podcast because he did the song for after the art is like the coolest thing ever I have to say. Roll tide, Alice. Roll tide. Welcome to F. Roll tide. Well, then after dark, and you know why? You know, there is no rhyme or reason to when we do an after dark.

1:02Really, the spirit just has to move you. And it moved me tonight because I'm in mourning. I'm in mourning because yes, I had to leave Brett behind when I moved and I left. That's not why she's in there. No, that's not why. I had to leave the house that I loved in all the three closets I used in that house for podcast studios. I had to leave all my friends. I have zero friends now. If you ever wanted to be my friend now is the time to strike because I have zero friends had to take my kids out of school. But you know, all of those things I can overcome. All of those things just put one foot in front of the other. Do you know what I can't get over and what I am mourning? Pay. Five months in. In comparison. I left Costco. I can't even say it in a normal voice because you guys, if you have followed me, you know that Costco is my gym. Costco is my social outing. Costco is my date night. It is where I take my kids on a rainy day for entertainment.

2:04It is my therapy and now I don't have Costco. That's what I'm mourning. Can I, you know Costco, if you think about it, basically solves the problem of poverty. Because if you go to Costco, you can get that $1.50 hot dog in a drink and that hot dog is not even small. $1.50. You know the story about that, right? Well, you tell it. You tell it. This is everything I love about Costco. So the CEO of Costco was like, no, we're never raising the price of the hot dog. It's $1.50 because that's what it was when we opened Costco and that's what it will be today because that's where people expect. Anticoke. Anticoke. Anticoke. Anticoke. Anticoke. Anticoke. Everything else, by the way, like a cookie is like $6.00 so like it's totally disproportionate. But he was adamant and if you remember like in the age of COVID, meat prices were soaring because of supply, issues, demand issues, all the things, a lot of things. You know, cost has gone up for everything and they were like, we're losing money on the hot dogs and Costco was like, no, we will never raise the price of a coke and a hot dog and they still haven't to this day.

3:05They have not and it's actually incredibly heartwarming to see all these families like on a Sunday after church and they have like a ton of kids because guess what, it costs a lot to go out to eat when you have a lot of kids and they'll be sitting there with their like six kids and everyone has a hot dog and a coke and you're like, yes, you can bring your family out for a nice meal for just $10 and also buy $6.00 that's just about self control. I think when an executive suggested they've raised the price, he actually literally said, I will murder you if you raise the price. I thought he said I will kill you. Never expect that. But same thing. He made acts to say that I will effing you may have said that if we want to be specific and I'm really not kidding. No, this is not a Costco ad. Costco has never sponsored us. Costco.com slash processing. I wish I would cross this cow. No, this is actually a fact.

4:05Every one of my kids since we moved to Alabama. So he moved with one child who was one at the time. So take away that one cake, every one of my four kids. How many, how one can do the math at some point? Every cake for every baptism, every birthday of all four of my kids minus my oldest first birthday when we lived where there was no Costco has been a Costco cake. So I assume when you came back because she now comes back for serious event, did you get a Costco cake? Yeah. Well, we were in town two weeks ago. We had a friend pick up a Costco because I don't have a membership anymore. We had a friend pick up a Costco cake for us that I paid her for. But yeah, when we had the party at our favorite outdoor bar, definitely a Costco cake was there. The only thing, this is like just the sacrifice of being a mom, they have the best cakes. This is actually true. This is like, I'm not the only one who says that they have delicious cakes. I love their chocolate cake, but my kids want the white cake. So I almost never eat the chocolate cake because I get the cake they want because

5:08you know, selfless love, whatever. So that's, that's it. They're texito cake. This is not one of their like birthday cakes. Have you ever had their texito cake? It's my mom's favorite. I love it. When my mom comes to visit, I show up at the airport waiting for her with a texito cake from Costco and a fork that she just eats straight cake when we're in the car. That's how I express my love to my mom. I love that. I love that. Look, I love Costco as well. Look at her mom as much as she do. I will say this. So, you know, my mom, she now listens to the podcast and love you mom. She really enjoys it. It's great because, you know, I can talk to my mom as much as I wish I did. So it's always now she listens to the podcast. I'm sure she's listening to this episode whenever it comes out. But she doesn't like when I talk about drinking. Which you do a lot of, by the way. Which I do a lot of. I do a lot. I'm talking about it, you know, which I get, you know, kids. Don't get drunk. It's bad. Shouldn't do it. Right?

6:08But nevertheless, I'm going to add my thoughts on Costco because one of the things about Costco is they do have a liquor store. And it is a great liquor store. I don't know if you're going to say I'm not going to, you can say this. But what you're about to say about their liquor carries over to their other produce and products, which is why I love them. And that's the thing. Costco's Kirkland branded stuff is as good as the best. He is the name brand. You'll get any of those. That's amazing. That's so surprising. Now is something about that without alcohol. So for instance, if you go to Costco and you get Kirkland vodka, it's triple distilled vodka, American vodka, it's the same as Tito's. So if you like Tito's, it's Tito's but a lot cheaper and you can get it. Tito's is better than Patron. I don't know what it is.

7:09I don't know what brand it is. Maybe it's Don Hulio, I'm not sure. It's better than Patron. It's better than Don Hulio. What if you come to my house and I make you margarita, I will pour it out of a Patron bottle because I'm a classic. But the reality is the Tiquila in the Patron bottle. This is legal if you have a bar. It's Kirkland Tiquila because it is so good. I mean, it's mind-blowingly good. So if you want to buy alcohol, but you don't want to spend a lot of money on it, the Kirkland brand, whatever it is, is... It's the top of the line. Yes. So like, for example, their vanilla ice cream is, and I forget, it's not coming to mind, but it's a Vermont creamery that is very bespoke. And the reason is, also marketing, these factories turn off their factories. You don't want to have a million bottles of Patron out there because then the price actually goes down, supply and demand.

8:10So they turn off their factory, but that's lost revenue there, right, when their factories aren't running. So what they do is they license it out. It's the exact same product. They just slap a different label on it. I don't know how Kirkland got all these deals to do this because it's, again, it's like ice cream. It's vodka. It's Tiquila. It's a bunch of their other products. And that's why their products are such high quality because they didn't even develop it. They just went and found the best that they know consumers love and they slapped their own brand on it by cutting a deal with the factory. I think part of this is modern economics. So you're 100% right. So many products are expensive because of artificial scarcity. So all like Louis Vuitton. Exactly. Diamonds. I mean, a diamond is common. It's like rock. It's a common rock. But because the beers has a monopoly on it and releases only so many diamonds, it manages to keep the price high.

9:11And because they've sold you on the idea that a diamond is, if you love your wife, you have to get her a diamond. You don't get your diamond. You don't love your wife. It's all advertising. It's not actually that rare, right? So I think like you said, with Patron or your various liquors, mostly they're catering to people who go to liquor stores. They keep the price artificially high because higher price also conveys quality. So when you go to a liquor store, if you buy a $5 bottle of Tiquila, you assume that's rot gut. It's going to be terrible. And you're probably right. So they do that in liquor stores, but then they're also able to take advantage of the mass market by getting into Costco and they sell it under the Kirkland brand. And unless you really look, you don't necessarily know that. So you have to be a pretty engaged consumer to know that. So they benefit from it while still being able to maintain the higher cost outside of it. So I think it's sort of a win-win for everybody.

10:11Totally. But the most hilarious thing, I think I talked about this before. Look, I love Costco, but I'm showing you that I don't just blindly love them recently in the last year. They changed. So they used to have the Kirkland brand diapers be huggies. And about a year ago, I know. I know. 1000% on this. I'm showing you that I am an eyes wide open consumer. I love Costco. They could do no wrong in my eyes until they do wrong. So about a year ago, I think it was huggies who ended their contract with them. So huggies is no longer the manufacturer of the Kirkland diapers. The Kirkland diapers were awesome. They also sell huggies. I always bought Kirkland because they worked well. They got you, babe. They got you, babe. I love huggies. But that's why they were so good because the Kirkland diapers were huggies. But huggies was like no more. So they had to change whoever they used now. I don't know who they used now, but there was an uproar on the interwebs. Probably only my slice of the internet because I'm pretty sure this is not a wise slice.

11:12I tweeted about it. I didn't know where it was horrible. I used it too because the problem is when you buy Costco diapers, you buy 500 of them. You don't buy five, right? So you're stuck with like 500 of them. They all leaked. They physically were thinner. People were doing these comparisons. It was horrible. The funniest part about this though, uproar across the board is when, and I have a picture of this because I sent it to you, Brett, because I thought it was so funny. The signs, you know what a Costco sign looks like if you've ever built it. And it said, you know, it said like $5 off. Kirkland diapers. And it said asterisk at the bottom, like, based on complaints tests were run. And the quality is to say it was so defensive. I saw that. I laughed so hard and I was like, surely this is not really a real sign. Someone like spoofed a sign and stuck it in here. It was the real sign. It was the most defensive sign I've ever seen. Costco does test too much. You should have just like leaned into it and been like, yeah, we changed our formulation.

12:13It's better and we got you. We heard you complain. We heard you complain, you know, we're still free returns for life, you know, bring your used diapers or return them. So I don't use Kirkland diapers anymore. I'll be talking about Costco. My daughter, the youngest one, the baby, obsessed with Costco's salmon. You ever get the salmon that's like the salmon fillet and it's like the butter on it or whatever. You just stick it in the oven. Oh yeah. She will eat an adult sized portion. No, we taught her the more side, the sign language. Yeah. And it's just like when she sees it, when she's like, she starts doing more and I'm like, no, I'm going to get it for you. And then she just like shovels it into her mouth. It's crazy. They have the best Alaska, like I now shop at Sam's. We're going to talk about Sam. The fish is not, it's just not the same. The fish at Costco. Definitely not a Sam's ad. Not a Sam's ad. The fish, like the fresh fish that you're talking about, that's delicious, but I can't

13:16always keep fresh fish around because it'll go bad, whatever. So the frozen, individually packed wild caught Alaskan salmon. Mmm. I've been to Alaska. I've caught salmon. Not say it's exactly like it because when it's a fresh out of the ocean, nothing beats that, but it's about as close as you can get. And I don't know who they have a deal with. What Alaska salmon fishing boats, they are like just tearing off and freeze packing them and sending them down to my Costco. But man, those are some good things. So I wonder about this. Are they like, when you do that, Alaskan wild caught salmon. Is it a fishing boat? It's not just some dude with a fly, right? Oh no, no. So you know, Alaska fishing boats is the most dangerous job in America, right? Why do the crab boats work? Multiple. So the king crabs as well as the fishing boats? No, I don't think it's one dude, like fishing. They're these massive boats. They're running through the top thing. Not that peaceful. And certainly not at the rate at which I eat salmon. Well, that's the thing I didn't know.

14:17He's just going. He's just going. No, no. I think they are catching them with like massive nets. That's why it's so dangerous because they are these massive, massive nets that they're catching them in. And salmon are huge. Did you know how big salmon are? Yes. They're very dangerous. I mean, it depends on the breed, right? Yes, but Alaska and salmon is pretty large. I think the Atlantic coast salmon tend to be smaller because it's smaller. And they don't taste as flavorful either to me. I'm a big cod fan. The cod is great. Cod has like 40 grams of protein per serving now and I'm like dang. This is a run. This is like a protein chip. I love fish and chips. So whenever I go to England or Wales, because both have great fish and chips, it's like my wife and I just go on fish and chips searches. You go to the best chippery every little town we go to, the fish and chips, love fish and chips. Really, I mean, English cuisine, I mean, I want to offend everybody in England, but you

15:17know what I want to say. Here's a crazy thing about England. This is completely the side. I had no idea what Costco. England, Empire of the world. Sun never said Sun English Empire, right? I mean, they were in China. They were in India. They were in Africa. They were in the Americas everywhere. You would think that when you went to England, you would have the greatest food ever. All these flavors from every corner of the earth coming together to create English cuisine. It's like Italy, right? Like the Italians, they didn't invent pasta. They got that from the Chinese. They didn't invent tomatoes. They got that from the new world, but they took it and they perfected it and they made it amazing, right? And you would think the English, which is the English cuisine would be the greatest cuisine in all the world. And yet, when you go to England, it's horrible.

16:18It's horrible. It's horrible. I basically, I basically go to the grocery store and just eat bars of chocolate. I know. Like, even they're like curry. They talk about curry all the time. And you're like, this isn't curry. What are you talking about? This is disgusting. Like tomato sauce, right? Fish and chips, though. Very good. But anyways, to return to what Alice was talking about with Costco. So the town that, you know, Alice left me. She moved away from it. I did. I'm very sad about it. She did. I'm trying to get her back, but we'll see. It all depends on the winds of... Just build another Costco. There you go. And I'll be back. But Alice has sams now. So that's where she has to get sams. And when I was in college, I had a sams member. Is it the same sams that I go to? So it's been there? Sams, you know. Why is it in the scariest part of town? Yeah, it's not a great hotel. So you know, I never physically go there because I will say, and Costco doesn't need to have it because people going to Costco is the experience of itself.

17:21Sams, wonderful quality, is the delivery. So they delivered to my house, but which also means I never stepped store in a sams. Because when I stepped store in a sams, it was sad. Well, and it's also mom stopped listening. So the thing I remember I was saying, when I was in college, when I was a freshman, I loved black and milds. I don't know why. Do you know the black and mild is? No, I don't. So black and mild is like, it's a cigar-ish top of smoking instrument. And it's like, it's got like a, it's long. It kind of looks like a cigar, but it has like a plastic end element. I can't do what, I didn't know that's what it was called, but I know what you're talking about. That's what it's called. Isn't that what Cruella did? You know, you use sams. Kind of, but less classy. Sams sold 25 packs of black and milds. So you could get a box. So normally you get a pack of black and milds.

18:21It's got five, man, it's basically one half black. So you get like a five pack of black and milds. Yeah, don't smoke kids. It's bad. But we could get 25 packs at sams. And I've never been a cigarette smoker, but man, I loved black and milds. And so when my friends would go smoke cigarettes, obviously you couldn't smoke in the dorms, but there was a smoking air right outside the dorm. So people would come by my dorm and be like, hey, you want to go smoke? And I was like, sure, so I'd go down and smoke a black and mild. It's fine, I'd great for him. If I ever die of lung cancer, this will be fine. Man, I love those things. I can still smell them. And the thing is, your right, sams is the type of place that would sell that. And I don't really, so for example, like, I'm not, well, maybe I am. But like, I just don't understand why they don't, okay, there isn't, I watched Bama Rush Talk. There are a lot of people who go to Alabama, who live a much fancier life than I ever had at the age of 18 or even live now.

19:22So I think, like you said, this town would totally support a Costco. And by that, I mean, like, sams doesn't sell anything that's organic. For example, that's so weird. Like, why? Costco has your regular apples, but they also have organic apples. But like, the way they drive all of us, like middle-aged moms in there, are the organic berries. Because we're all told that the part of the dirty doesn't, and all our kids are going to die if they eat non-organic berries. And we all know kids eat berries like it's their job. My kids go through a pint, like, in a sitting. So I go to Costco really just for the berries, and then I buy everything else. And they don't have any organic foods. And I find that so interesting. You only do organic where you're smoking black and moths. They like smoking black mouths, eating those nice pesticide-covered fruits, which you want. I don't know. It's totally bizarre. I don't understand what they have at Costco. It does make me sense. So, whether organic produce is BS or not, marketing-wise, you can certainly sell them for

20:25more. And there's clearly a market for it because people are flocking to Costco to buy their organic produce. So I'm just talking about it as like a marketing thing. Why wouldn't they have it? So whatever you believe about organic produce, if it's BS, sure. But we know there's an actual market for it, and you'll pay like twice as much for it, and they don't do it. That I don't get. I'm with you. I don't know. I don't know what to say. I think the solution is Costco, if you're listening, Costco.com slash crosscage. You need to start a Costco in Tuscalo. You really do. And I- The University of Alabama cries out for Costco. Have you seen all of like, have you seen sorority, Ro? You would just crush it. You know what they would crush Costco? I will personally commit to signing up 100 individuals. Put it north, board. Reach out to us. We'll be part owners. We'll go and- I will manage this store. I will wear- Alice will manage the Costco.

21:27I will manage the food bar. I will sell those pizzas. I will sell the hot dogs. I will. Yes, my kids. Will you so many of the dollar 50 hot dogs? Like I was in Costco after my massage. And I was gonna get a hot dog, but there were so many people lined up to get a hot dog. I was like, I don't have time to wait. That's how many people were buying a hot dog. So just say- I love it. Anyways. My washer and dryer from there. My freezer is from there. Oh, I buy everything from there. All my appliances are from there because I trusted our- Allitions, computers. Our Macbooks are from there because I trust them with my life. Yeah. Yeah, the Macbook, we are recording this own right now. It's Costco. This podcast is brought to you by Costco literally. Exactly. Whether, even though they don't actually sponsor us, it is brought to you by Costco. So there you go. Anyways, thank you for listening to my Costco. I really do. I'm kind of joking, but I'm not. That is what I miss most.

22:27I mean, talking about Costco all the time. So I don't need to think anyone thinks you're joking. If I could have bought- Well. If I could have bought my hot-a-see there, I would have bought it there, but I got my tires there. Which is that? I get my tires there. Of course. When I go on a trip, I use Costco to do the trips. I feel like my- I'm thinking- I'm thinking- Or my air there because they have a free air, whatever it's called, for your tires. It's great. So you know, Sonic, which I'm a big fan of, we talked about them all the time. They send us like a box for the goodness. They're awesome. So Costco, someone out there is- I don't want your produce. I want you to steal the store here. Exactly. The podcast has gotten big enough that there is someone out there from the Costco executive channel- We've heard Kerklyn Washington. Listening to this podcast. Is that where it's from? Kerklyn, Kerklyn, Kerklyn. Is that where it comes from? Kerklyn. Kerklyn- No, I think it's Kerklyn Washington. It is Washington. Yes.

23:27Whether you're in Washington, Oregon, listening to this podcast, reach out to us, prosecutor's pot, and gmo.com. I will buy all my stuff. You don't have to give me anything for free. Just come to my town. You got a Costco and Montgomery. Trust me. That place is covered up. You will make more money in Tuscalisa. You only be able to get in to that place. It's true. Reach out to us. Let's do it. Let's work something. This is all I want. Come on, Costco. You have asked what has changed about my life? If we are able to be at Costco here, my life has changed. This podcast was worth it. There you go. What? Make it happen. Make it happen. All right. Well, we did this whole after dark. Just so Alice could talk about Costco. I know this is so light. She loves that much. You guys, I would go get my nails done with Mrs. Brett, and then we would go with our toes in those little disposable flip flops, and we'd walk around Costco together. That was our mom date.

24:27Did the snacks? That was so great. It was so great. I missed that so much. They're dried mangoes. Oh, there's no dried mango at Sam's. Seriously? They have the sugary ones, which I tried to eat, but there's so much sugar in it that it actually makes me feel sick. Say what, Costco? They got the dried mango. It's just mango. You don't need extra sugar. It's already so sweet. It's mango. They're dried mango. Oh, I'm really missed that. I forgot how much I missed it. I'll bring you some mango next time. Yeah, forget the seaweed. Forget my child. I want mango. We'll do. Oh, I want his bag of mangoes. The Kirkland Blackbag of dried mango. Blackbag of mango. All right, guys. Well, this has been fun. This has been real. This has been real fun. Hopefully you're listening out there, Costco. This is after dark because nothing good happens after dark.

25:31Unless it's a Costco coming to my town. Unless it's a late night Costco run. There you go. Throw it out of Costco. Throw it out. I still have the Costco app on my phone because I like to scroll. I just can't let it go out. I don't want to let it go. Never let go. Never let go. You're like Rose on that door holding on to Costco. Is it sinks into the cold? I see Atlantic. I know all of the people who work there by name. They know my kids by name. It's like family.